 There's kind of two main kind of conversations that we tend to have in most relationships. And this is true in the business world and your friendships, but it's really useful in romantic relationships. So we wanna separate out these two kind of conversations. One is problem solving, right? But the second kind of conversation is called a discussion. Researchers have looked into like what are red flags that even the items that fall under this like red flag category, which would be things like substance abuse or high levels of neuroticism or attachment avoidance, even those red flags actually only predict a small variance of relationship outcomes. In other words, there are lots of different ways that we can overcome what looks like a red flag so long as you find somebody who's willing to work through it with you. I mean, as a couples therapist, this is sort of my bread and butter and my private practice. I'm always hopeful, regardless of the circumstance, like I see people with substance abuse who come in after affairs, who have sexual problems, who don't see eye to eye on parenting. Regardless of the situation, as long as I have two people who want to work with each other and who are willing to kind of look at their own stuff, look at their contributions and try to come in with some benefit of the doubt for their partner, anything is possible. Really, anything positive is possible. I've seen people come back from really traumatic situations and build a stronger relationship because they're willing to do the work. So I think it's important not to sort of toss out a relationship because you see something that is imperfect, but to see, again, that flag in context, like, okay, this person has a quirk or a neurotic feature, but can we work together? Can we see each other? And I know that you guys talk a lot on this podcast about John Gottman's work and what he finds is that in conflict, the predictor of happy couples over time is that the couples are willing to kind of work it through, that there's some humor, there's kind of a settling down from the height of the conflict, there's a lack of stonewalling, of really pervasive criticism, and that even if it comes up, that people are able to kind of roll forward and come back together. So even when you see things that look concerning or not what your ideal hope would be for a partner, that isn't the end of the story so long as you can work together with that person to kind of come to another side to sort of develop a relationship with the problem or the difference that you have between the two of you and to sort of grow together. That idea of benefit of the doubt or positive sentiment around the other person is so key here. When one or both parties start to have negative sentiment towards the other person, feel that these are insurmountable, feel that they can't change, that's when we start to tilt towards resentment and that is toxic to any healthy relationship when one or both partners resent one another. And the key here that I think we sort of dance around that I wanna highlight is this propensity that we have or this need we have to help and change others. And we will often enter into relationships having a sunny disposition, now realizing that okay, maybe things weren't as great as I thought, but thinking I'm gonna be able to change this person. I'm gonna be able to turn them into Prince Charming, kiss the frog and turn them into my prince. And what ends up happening inevitably is change is hard and it's even harder when you're trying to change someone else. When you're trying to affect change in someone else, but that's often a trap that we can find ourselves in with these rosy dispositions and looking beyond red flags. Giving somebody an ultimatum of the relationship ending if they don't change is certainly not the motivation that you want somebody to be to want to change for. Certainly they wanna maintain the relationship, but that need for change has to be inside to be a better person for their partner and for themselves. One of the red flags for me as a couple's therapist is when somebody comes in and the way that I do my intake evaluation is I do a joint session and then I do a split session. And in that split session, if one or both people say, my hope is that you'll get my partner to change. That's always like, okay, hold on. Let me sort of regroup and explain to you a little bit about how therapy works. My business is not changing you. It's to sort of guide you in the changes that you're trying to make to teach you the science, to teach you the skills, but the motivation has to come from the person themselves to change. And if they wanna change, then anything is possible, but if you want them to change, then that's just a big question about what's possible. And I do think that that's sort of an internal red flag. If you say to yourself, I like this partner because I think that I can mold them into what I want them to be, then that might be a cue for you to kind of take a step back. And one of my favorite lines from the field of psychology is that acceptance paves the way for change. If you can love somebody for who they are, change is much more possible because there's this idea of psychological reactance. When we try to push change on our partner, what we typically find is they resist. They dig their heels in and they become a lot less likely to change. And so when you push for change, you'll actually find the opposite happening often in romantic relationships. And so what I'm constantly counseling people on in couples therapy is, what you're going for is influence, not control. And the way that we get influences by saying, I love you for who you are. And hopefully you mean it because if you don't, your partner will be able to detect that. But here's something that I want us to be working on. If it's us versus the problem, and I'm a part of, and I'm hoping that you kind of join me, then that's gonna set us up for change much more effectively than if I sort of say, I'm good where I am, but I need you to do it differently. Then we're gonna encounter a lot of resistance. So much better us versus the problem compared to me versus you. You bring up a key point that I've experienced myself in couples therapy is, it's less about the therapist impacting or bringing the change to the couple. And it's more about creating the communication the couple needs to recognize patterns to make the adjustments and make the choice to impact the change in their own life. I think it really is self-defeating if you're looking constantly to a third party to come in and change this person for you or to impact the relationship in a way that's gonna allow not you to change but your partner to show up in a different way. When in a lot of situations, it's communication that's not happening whether it's through patterns or beliefs or the way that we were brought up, that's leading to these issues that communication impasse and often talking with the therapist can allow both sides to see a different perspective that could create the change but it's certainly not the expectation of, oh, this couples therapist is gonna change this relationship or change my partner. Yeah, one of the things that I focus on heavily in couples therapy is in my Communication 101 mini lecture that I give people is, I explained that there's kind of two main kind of conversations that we tend to have in most relationships and this is true in the business world and your friendships, but it's really useful in romantic relationships. So we wanna separate out these two kind of conversations. One is problem solving, right? Either a problem that I have with you or a problem that we have or a problem that our kid has. So there's problem solving and the goal of problem solving is to solve a problem. Now, most people are pretty good at that because that's what we're trained to do in our society but the second kind of conversation is called a discussion and the goal of a discussion is so that I can understand you better and that you can understand me better. It's a deepening of understanding and it's really leads to an ability to kind of see the world from your partner's perspective. And in therapy, I say we always start with discussion because the danger if we drop too quickly into problem solving is that we're solving a problem that we don't fully understand. In relationships, problems tend to be very complex that usually by the time a couple comes into therapy for sure, there's a lot of history, there's a lot of emotional scarring, there's a lot of repeated habits that have really, have deep grooves that we default into very quickly. And so if we try to solve a problem too quickly without understanding it, it's like your doctor giving you Pepto-Bismol when you say you have a stomach ache but not doing a thorough assessment of like, what's the pain like? How long has it been happening? Is it sharp? Is it dull? Are you having difficulty keeping food down? And if you don't understand the nature of the problem and you just give it Pepto-Bismol then you're overlooking something, you're applying a band aid to something that you don't fully understand and inevitably that solution isn't gonna work. So if you sort of start with, let me understand how you see this, let me have you understand how I see it, let's sort of develop a shared narrative of what happens between the two of us before we try to attempt to solve it to come up with a management strategy.