 So, hi guys. I used to do this series on my channel where I read diary entries. Well, I thought we could do the fun thing of reading a diary entry. Trigger warning. If you're watching this video, this video is about to be really deep, dark and ongoing. There is a suicide note, there's very, very negative thoughts, depression, PTSD, everything. Self-hatred, absolutely everything. If you think anything in this video may trigger you, then please click off the video now. Maybe check out some of my other videos or the funny cat video that I've linked to in the description down below. So, I've got one here from 2015. Look at my handwriting, back then. For her right now, it was... My handwriting now is worse than Doc. Let's get on with the video of reading my diary. This one's called Feelings. This was on the 27th of April, 2015, so I still lived at my mom's at this point. Oh god, the great first lion. I don't want to be here anymore. Nobody knows what I'm really feeling. Nobody has noticed how on edge I am. How close I am to giving up. Why am I so poetic in this? All I think about all the time is all the possible ways I can hurt myself and how bad my self-image is. What is my life? I'm sick of feeling like this. I'm hurt, I'm dying inside, I'm tired. Kind of all the drama, tired of not being good enough. I don't want to look dramatic, weak or attention-seeking, so I try to keep it on the inside. But I always cry every night. This is fucking dark. It always brings me to tears, to my eyes, when I think about how hard I'm trying just to be happy. I'm sick of questioning my own existence. I feel so alone. I'm so wanted in this world right now. It's starting to affect me more than it ever has before. I'm sick of not being enough for anybody. I just don't know anymore. That's actually depressing though, like I didn't know it was going to be that dark. I don't want to be here anymore. I can't handle the pain right now and it's slowly killing me. Fucking everything. I'm fucking done. That was to the point. I'm fine really means I'm dying inside. There's no point telling you because if I had told you, you wouldn't believe me. If it was for attention, I wouldn't hide it. I would do it in front of your face. I wouldn't barricade my bedroom door, cover it up with long sleeves. It just happened to you found out. So no, it's not for attention. My mind is slowly killing me. I can't cope anymore. I just want to give up on myself. I am done. Dear all, I actually know I've been a fuck up for a large amount of my life. And I guess there are two reasons you are reading this. Either I'm dead or I showed it to you. I did this at a time at a time in need. At one of my lowest points I did this because I didn't know what else to do. I can only say that my thoughts have finally got the rest of me and you can finally have a stress-free life. I hate who I am. Every thought I have is a pain in myself. And well, because you're reading this, I'm guessing thoughts have become too much for me to live with and become a reality. I gave up and I can only say I knew it was coming for a long time. Lydia, I hope you're all happy. Hopefully you feel less alone if you're struggling. That's a good day. Love that. If you want more general reading videos, let me know in the comments down below or by hitting the like button. And if you know, maybe hit the subscribe button. I promise all my content is not this depressing. Just to clarify, all these were back in 2015. Not recent. And that's all I've got for this video. Thank you for watching. And yeah, I'll see you guys soon with a new video. I have a job now. I have to work, but I also have to pay rent as well.