 As-salamu alaikum wa rahmatullah, Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim, Alhamdulillah, As-salamu alaikum As-salam. Absolutely my pleasure and honor to be with you today. So me and my wife who had the pleasure of working with many traumatized families, individuals, and also communities throughout the world. We built a number of models. One of them is called Untangled, to try to break the cycle of family trauma. One called the Wounded Healer and is taking care of the caregivers, but I'm very passionate about talking about how to break the cycle also for the Muslim community using the Qur'an and Sunnah. So I'm going to give a few examples of how the Qur'an and also the Prophet, alaihi s-salam, how did they use the trauma story to be a source of inspiration and healing for people rather than for people to be stuck in that dysfunction, subhanAllah, because many, many people their trauma can destroy their household. I have seen it with individuals, I have seen trauma can break the family unit. I can even see that happening to communities. When trauma happens in a community, many times the community might divide. So inshaAllah, that does not happen in the Muslim Ummah, but it is happening and it's happening with the Muslim youth. The youth are going through some of the struggles that I never imagined anybody would go through and we need to support them inshaAllah. So there is something called the transgenerational trauma. Some people they call it intergenerational trauma, but I also want to not ignore something called intragenerational trauma, which means our generation, the generation of people who are in the middle, especially if you are an immigrant, maybe you have family back home and you have a new family here and now you don't know where home is and your children are struggling with their identity. I want to just honor that we also are having a difficult time trying to figure who we are and try to work through our own struggles. So this is called the intergenerational trauma and I have found something to be very beautiful when we did dialogue between people who maybe are fighting for and against certain ideology. So I come from a country called Libya, North Africa. Libya went through a very bloody civil war in 2011. Unfortunately, people died on both sides of the conflict, including family members, unfortunately. And I decided not to take sides because there is trauma and pain on both sides of the conflict. So we sat down with people who are fought for and against the government and subhanAllah they had very similar stories and both of them, they said we do it because we love our country. And eventually you have to sit down on the same table and work through whatever it is, can be transitional justice, can be reconciliation, can be forgiveness. It happened in other countries have been Rwanda and Bosnia, South Africa. Alhamdulillah, it did finally lead to some closure, not 100% closure and healing, but at least the government and the country can move forward rather than be stuck in just the cycle of bloodshed and destruction. So I believe these cycles are worth breaking, and I believe they are worth breaking for our children. The best thing you can do as a father or a mother is not to pass your trauma story to your children. You can give them your money, they can inherit anything that you leave when it comes to property. I hope they don't inherit your distorted trauma story. So if you're going to pass the wisdom of what happened to you, that's wonderful. That means you have to work through your own trauma, try to make meaning out of it. SubhanAllah, humans are programmed by Allah SWT to try to make meaning out of a confusing situation. And trauma can be very confusing to the psyche, to the mind, and also to the heart and soul. So unless we try to make meaning out of it, it will be very confusing because SubhanAllah, Allah SWT wants us to take care of the children and for the children to develop as healthy adults, they need two things. One, they need to believe that the world is a safe place. And the second, they need to believe that adults can be trusted to take care of them. When the world is no longer safe and when adults are the cause of the trauma for the children, it can be extremely confusing. It can shatter their core beliefs, can lead them to maybe even hate themselves and question their identity and even engage in self-destruction. We have seen children walk away from their religion, walk away from their community, walk away from their families, and even walk away from life by ending their life through suicide. And this is something that happens even in the Muslim community, unfortunately. So InshaAllah, I'm going to talk about some stuff that can be a little heavy. The intention is to just open a dialogue. So make sure that you take care of yourself. If the material is getting heavy, make sure that you practice self-care. That can mean you need to pause, you go outside, walk, have a fresh air, whatever it takes for you to take care of yourself. But the trauma is very real. It is here to stay, unfortunately. When people ask me, what's your dream? I say my dream is to lose my job. Because as a quote-unquote trauma expert, that means, Alhamdulillah, there is no more trauma in the world. I know that's not going to happen in my lifetime. Unfortunately, it's not going to happen in my children's lifetime, because my daughters, they have three, and daughters, InshaAllah, they even, despite their young age, they have already been through traumatic experiences because of their hijab, because of their religion, the way that they decided to practice, and so on. So these are some examples of how our interpersonal spaces can be very unsafe. There is slavery that's very real in this country, colonization, oppression, genocide. There are lots of people who will hate you regardless. And SubhanAllah, they even hated the Prophet, alaihi s-salam. They didn't hate Muhammad, the human. They hated Muhammad, the prophet, because now he's challenging their ideology. And SubhanAllah, they continue to call him al-Sadiq al-Amin, even though they wanted to kill him. They say he's trustworthy, he's honest, but we don't want to believe in him. SubhanAllah, very confusing. Even on the day he left from Mecca to Medina, he left Ali and his cousin behind, so Ali can return the items that they entrusted him with. So they entrusted him with their own belonging and property, but they wanted to kill him. So it's a very, very interesting dynamic how people will hate you even if you are Rasulullah, alaihi s-salam. So try your best to do your best with the best intention for the sake of Allah SWT. But know that somebody will hate you and try to let you down and try to stab you in the back. And that's okay. They did it to the Prophet, alaihi s-salatu wa s-salam. We have seen it with the refugee brothers and sisters, forced migration and displacement and experience that really heavily affected me. So I did not, alhamdulillah, have much of a childhood trauma, but most of my trauma happened as an adult. So I had to leave Libya in 1999, live in the United Kingdom as an asylum seeker. And SubhanAllah, when I applied for asylum, the immigration judge, he said, Omar, I cannot grant you asylum. I'm going to deny your case because there is no torture on your body. So there's no physical wounds. And SubhanAllah, I told him, you cannot see my mind and my soul, and you fail to see my psychosocial invisible wounds. And that's something, unfortunately, immigration judges are not very sympathetic with. And this is something that even the Muslim community does not believe much in. The psychosocial needs and the emotional health and mental illness and all of these terminology. Even though Muhammad was the best psychotherapist, I would argue. He loved to sit down with the Sahaba who are struggling, make sure that he's mending their broken hearts, making sure that he's taking care of the children, taking care of tender souls with tenderness. He was the most compassionate human ever created. Systemic racism is very, very, very common and prevalent still even until this day and age. Many institutions engage in discrimination and racist policies, procedures, practices against their employees because of their skin color, because of their race, because of their gender. Many of our sisters are going through discrimination. Sometimes even because of your religion and so on. Family violence can lead to lots of secrets within the Muslim community. Many Muslim families are keeping the secret and there is lots of unfortunate dysfunction in family dynamics. And this is usually if there is violence in the household, domestic violence, unfortunately, including sometimes sexual trauma. It's not uncommon to happen in the Muslim household. So the systemic trauma will tell people that I'm going to push you to the edge and then I'm going to blame you for falling. So I'm going to push you until the edge of a cliff and if you fall, it's your fault, subhan Allah. These are the discriminatory and racist practices and procedures that we have seen with many communities. And some people they argue hurt people, hurt people. I can see that point at the same time. I'm a big fan of we need to heal our wounds because healed people will heal people. So in order for you to not be source of hurt for others, you need to heal your own wounds. Because subhan Allah, sometimes fathers, they come very exhausted from their places of work. They are depleted. They are completely burned out. They have nothing, no leftover energy for their loved ones. So they either shut down or lash out at their spouses and their children. And the Muslim family continues to walk on actuals around each other. And that's not how Rasulullah, peace be upon him, was. She said every time he enters the house, he's a source of smiling safety. And this should be the case. If a father walks into the house, his family should breathe easier. They should not run out of breath. And this is something, guys, we created a survey and the survey talking about the relationship between Muslim fathers and their daughters, especially teenage daughters of ages 13 to 18 or so. And we gave the survey to multiple communities in the United States and Canada. And some of the answers were extremely heartbreaking. So the exact same questions, 10 questions we asked the fathers, we asked also the children. So are you a safe father? Do you think your dad is a safe and available father? Are you emotionally available for your family? Do you think that your daughter will look up at you when she's looking for a husband? And the same questions we asked the children and it is really a struggle, not because dads are bad fathers, not because parents are bad parents. I'm sure if we did the same survey with moms, we will have similar results. So we started with the fathers because I am a father of three daughters. They don't have any sons, but some of the answers are, you know, I don't feel safe around him. We don't talk. He only lectures me. And one of them, she said, because of my dad, I know exactly everything I don't want. I don't want a husband. Subhan Allah, this extremely heartbreaking to hear. And when we you share this results with with the brothers, they are extremely shocked. And Alhamdulillah, we tell them there are tools. It's not we are not assigning blame, but actually trying to start a discussion. That's why we created a YouTube channel for giving tips and tools for Muslim fathers, how to, inshallah, bond better with their children using the example of Rasul Allah, especially he has four daughters. We know the relationship between him and all of them was extremely safe and healthy. But we know in very detailed descriptions his relationship with Sayyid al-Fatima. So Alhamdulillah, we have a curriculum. Some people, they say Muslims don't have curriculum. I disagree. I think we have the best of curriculums when we study the Seerah. And also we have the Quran. Alhamdulillah, the stories of the NBA, the companions, we can develop beautiful, beautiful curriculars. We don't have to replicate or borrow from any other culture or religion. So trauma is more than PTSD. Unfortunately, the field of psychiatry, you have to diagnose people in order to give them the right services and resources. But the post-traumatic stress disorder is not the only consequence of trauma from many, many other bad outcomes that happen when people are traumatized. It's usually a relational rupture. So many people, they rupture their relationships with their loved ones because of their own trauma story. And sometimes I know that trauma did not start with you. Maybe you inherit your dads or moms or ancestors trauma story. But I really encourage you to that the trauma story should end with you. So don't start with you. Your parents may be past it to you. Try your best not to pass it to your children. So these are some of the triggers that maybe when trauma happens, people will maybe engage in self-destructive habits. At one point, these habits were protective. But now they are no longer protective. And we have seen it with people and unfortunately we give them names. We say this child is oppositional defined. This adult is borderline. We give them names, unfortunately. And if you give somebody a name, they're going to play the game. If you say my son is difficult, they're going to be difficult. If you say my daughter is lazy, she's not going to work that hard. So, inshallah, try your best not to be the source of labelling for especially the youth, but also the adults around you. And remember words can really kill the spirit. They even did an experiment with the flowers. So they brought two sets of flowers and they were talking to one set in a very nice way. You're so beautiful. I love you. I'm going to give you water. You're going to grow to blossom. And the other one, you're such an ugly flower. You're never going to make it. And this is exactly what happened to the flowers. Even the flowers and the animals can actually be destroyed by our tongue. That's why Rasul As Salaam, he said, if you are a true believer, people should feel safe around your tongue, your words and around your hand, your actions. So let us try our best, inshallah. I think the best thing, inshallah, and we meet Allah with no blood or honor on our hands, which means I'm not going to engage in hurting people in any way, not physically, not verbally, not emotionally. You know, one of the Sahaba, he was walking and Rasul As Salaam, he said, if you want to see somebody from people of Jannah, look at this brother. And they were confused because he was not Abu Bakr or Omar. And so one of the Sahaba, he followed him and he said, can I be your guest for three days? He invited him over and there was nothing special about him. He did not pray at night. He was just doing the minimum. And he said, you know, Rasul As Salaam, you told us you are guaranteed Jannah. What is it about you? He said, by Allah, the only thing that I can think of, when I go to bed, I say, oh Allah, I forgive everybody. And I want you to forgive me for the mistakes I caused anyone. And he said, this is exactly what guaranteed you Jannah. There is no hatred in his heart. He is not holding grudges. And I know forgiveness can be difficult for folks. I'm asking you to forgive yourself. Even if people forgive you, you can just say, oh Allah, I'm giving you this case. I'm going to transfer my file from the court of Dunya to the court of Akhirah. Sometimes I mean, this is the best you can do. If your predator or your abuser is not willing to acknowledge what they did, I have a sister, Subhan Allah, and Qatar, I did a workshop there. She was extremely tearful when we talked about this, because she said, unfortunately, her father engaged in a sexual relationship with her when she was a child. And unfortunately, she had to cut relationship and sit boundaries with him. And when he was on his deathbed, he said, can I talk to my daughter? I want to apologize. I want to meet Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala after I make amends. And she said, no, she said, I'm not ready. And he died when she did not forgive him. And now she's living with all of this guilt. She said, I was if I just said, I forgive you for the sake of Allah. It's not for you. It's for Allah. And I'm going to send my case to Allah. He's going to deal with you. But she said she didn't, she was not ready for healing and closure at that time. He was ready because he was about to meet Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala. So you can see how trauma can really, really lead to very difficult situations. And you know, Muslims are not immune. This happens everywhere. So and remember, I mean, if people fall into sin, Allah Subhanahu wa ta'ala is the one who, inshallah, can repair the family unit. But people have really to own their mistakes and try their best to apologize and make amends as much as possible. You cannot leave it on the shoulder of the quote unquote victim. The survivors, they have enough to go through. But Subhan Allah, sometimes especially Muslims, we have that added guilt. Can I be disrespectful to my parents? Can I not forgive them and stuff like that? Because our religion talks about parents in very high status. There are many things that, you know, can trigger trauma or activate trauma. We don't like the word trigger because it's associated with certain, you know, things that activate the topic of suicide. But anyway, and we may and Nora, we run and children camp. And this is a trauma informed camp usually most of the children we take are refugee children. And Subhan Allah, you have to be very careful when it comes to people trauma story. And even though sometimes you don't know what activated it. So we had immigrant children who become the counselors. So they're taking care of the refugee children because they are much older than them. Maybe they're 19 to 21. So now they are becoming a counselor. So one of the counselors came very angry. He said, how dare you bring these blankets to the camp? And we didn't know what he was talking about because children bring their own blankets. So when we went to this group of Syrian refugees, we found that they had the United Nation blanket. And this, you know, boy from Somalia, who was their counselor, he was so stressed out by it. And I asked him, I said, were you born in this country? He said, no, I was born in the refugee camp, but I don't remember anything about my childhood. He came to this country very, very young. So he never thought about it until he saw the United Nation blanket. Subhan Allah, so sometimes trauma can be triggered in very subtle ways. I had a patient one day, she told me, hey, Dr. Rita, you have different perfume you're wearing today. And they said, yeah, what does that have to do with our session? And she said, this is the exact perfume my abuser was wearing when he was sexually assaulting me. So Subhan Allah, sometimes you don't know until the big elephant walks into the room and start destroying the relationships. So I'm a big fan of talking about the elephant, about talking about the trauma story, not to cause anybody any more pain, but actually to try to remove some of the pain and start repairing the relationships. Some people will hate you, I said, regardless, so especially Muslims, they go through Islamophobia and there is an ideology of hate. Some people they call it psychology of hate. I don't like that. Psychology of hate sometimes means that they don't have control over it. It has to do with the subconscious. I think hate is very conscious and calculated and premeditated act. So make sure that any people that are saying that we hate Muslims because we don't know them. It's only ignorance. Or we had a bad experience with the Muslim in the past or but I believe many people they engage in bullying and even hate because they have their own fragile self identity. So many of people who abuse others, they have the worst self-esteem. They try to push people down so they can feel better about themselves. Sometimes it's a unresolved trauma, but I believe that your trauma story will explain but does not excuse what you do to others. So yes, I can understand you're going through a difficult time, but that difficult time does not justify you giving me or especially children difficult time. Sometimes hate if it's chronic can lead to actually changes within the brain. So there are cortical and sub cortical areas in the brain that can cloud your judgment can lead you to actually be impulsive around people of different ethnicities and identities and backgrounds. SubhanAllah, I had a colleague who used to serve in Iraq and Afghanistan and now he works as a healthcare provider. So one day one Muslim patient was going through a psychotic break. So he was quite agitated. So he went to the staff and started to be in their personal space. And the staff immediately thought he's back in Afghanistan. So he assaulted the patient. So we have a staff who assaulted the patient because of their unresolved trauma. And of course, you can lose your license if you do that. So we had to do some mediation work and give him some training because he had PTSD that he didn't know he had. SubhanAllah, PTSD is very real. I remember when one day it was March 19, 2011. I remember that day very vividly. So the government in Libya decided that on that day, we're going to send our troops to the city of Benghazi and everybody going to die. So there was a genocide that's going to happen to my hometown, including all of my family members. So I remember trying very frantically to reach to my mom and eventually after a long time I was able to reach her cell phone. And she said, yes, that's true. I love you. I'm going to see you in Jannah, inshallah. So her voice started to really haunt me for many, many nights. I had my own PTSD and Nora told me I was waking up screaming in my sleep and so on. But Alhamdulillah, she survived. The genocide did not happen. It was just a psychological war. But still, I mean, it's not easy to hear the last words of a loved one. And Alhamdulillah, I was able, when she died in 2016, to be next to her. And it was a different but still difficult experience, subhanAllah. So the hate cycles can really lead to people discriminating. And that's why I'm a big fan of the field of psychology and the field of technology working together. So right now, many veterans, when they go to Iraq and Afghanistan, they show them pictures of the enemy. And the enemy will look exactly like me and you, unfortunately. So now we are asking people to actually maybe show humanity and, you know, in order for the soldiers to engage in constructive, rather than destructive work with the local community. And the problem with the hate, especially when you direct your hate towards the children, it can very heavily affect their psyche. So children will struggle with their self-esteem. They might engage in a suicidal and non-suicide self-harm. Some of them, they start to doubt their own beauty. They lose their voice. Literally, they lose their voice. I remember one day, my youngest, she was, she didn't know what to do with her trauma. So she was acting it out. And children who don't express their trauma through words, they will express it through behavior. And then we punish the behavior and we repeat the cycle and that doesn't go anywhere. And that's why many children, they don't feel safe to come and talk to us. Because when they talk to us, we either dismiss them or punish them. So many children learned, I'm going to just find my solution on my own. And this is very sad because if children don't feel seen, they become invisible. If children don't feel heard, they become voiceless. And if children, they feel that their needs are not important for their parents, they will either neglect their needs or try to fulfill them on their own. It's very dangerous for a child to try to fulfill their basic needs on their own. They might go to, you know, bad websites. They might find their own crowd. They might seek their own consultation and so on. So be like Sayyidina A'ub. He had a relationship with Prophet Yusuf, alayhim as-salam, both of them. And when Prophet Yusuf had a difficult dream, he went to his father because his father was available, was safe, was ready to listen to him. So try your best, inshallah. You know, many of us are busy. We have many emails. We catch up on work and sometimes we are addicted to our social media. But when it comes to that beautiful child of yours, just look them in the eye and take the time to inshallah, just give them the attention that they need. So some children, as I said, they will act out in their trauma. Some of them they shut down. Some of them they believe in that trauma story that was dictated on them. I remember after coming to the United States in 2002, every time I hear a terrorist attack, I say, Ya Rab, please, not another Muslim. So this is called internalized racism. I believe the story that was dictated on me by the news. But then, Alhamdulillah, after, you know, knowing more about my religion and about my beautiful Prophet, alayhissalam, that really changed. I don't believe in a story that dictated on me anymore. We need to claim the podium and write our own story. That makes sense to us. That's authentic to us. It gives us meaning and closure and healing, inshallah. And the problem with a few dismiss somebody and if you show them hate, you might miss out on their beauty, the beauty that they can contribute to your life. So earlier I asked you to take a piece of candy. And many of you, you took a piece of candy. Maybe that was familiar to you. I noticed that almost everybody took Snickers. So maybe because this is something that you have tasted before, it is safe. Many times I use the same airline when I travel because it's safe. It's reliable and predictable. I had a positive experience with it. But none of you asked me, okay Omar, what about, we don't see Kit Kat. We don't see some of the candies that I really love, especially this one. So this happens to be my favorite candies of all times. But because nobody asked me where is the Ferrero Rocher, you guys missed out on the beauty and the deliciousness and the flavor and that she can provide for you. So make sure if you don't see somebody at the table, ask why they are not at the table. If they are at the table, but you have not tasted them before, maybe reach out and get to know them. Maybe you'll find out that they can add lots of beauty to your life. So unfortunately when we dismiss refugees because they don't speak the language because we don't feel comfortable around them because I need to only socialize with my own ethnic background, we miss out on lots of beauty. Subhanallah. The best days when me and Noura and the girls, we go and visit one of the refugee families. We have the best food, the best time, and masha'Allah you'll feel lots of gratitude and appreciation for the things that you have. And you feel such humbled because they are very happy. Despite all the destruction and the trauma that they have seen, they are very pleased with Allah SWT, that they have arriba. It's not necessarily sa'adah, it's not happiness. But it is ridah. They are very pleased with Allah. You say Allah, I'm very happy with your decision, what you are choosing for me. Justice is something we need to bring to the discussion about healing. There is no healing without justice, especially if there is racial trauma, there is discrimination if there is hate. And some of the tips that can help you when it comes to justice. I don't laugh when people start to engage in racist jokes. Make sure that you expose your children to different backgrounds and maybe they can support different causes, make them involved, and be yourself a role model. So most of the children, they follow what they see, not what they hear. So this is something I came up with. If you are the perpetrator of the trauma, if you are the cause of somebody's trauma, you can still do something about it. So use the stop method, which means immediately stop what you're doing, if it's abuse, if it's bullying, and just take a deep breath and think of your options and pick the options that aligns with your best moral values. That means we need to use our frontal lobe, our critical brain in order not to hurt others. So we need to be very careful and I have, this is intentional, this is deliberate, this is something that needs work because many times we think it's funny to make fun of others and it's not funny to make fun of others. If you are with a bystander, and we have many, many bystanders in the Muslim community that are passive, I invite you to be more of an upstander. Upstander means you stand up for justice. When you see something happens in front of you, it can lead to violence, it can lead to people losing their lives. So make sure you don't lose your life in the process of defending others. At the same time, you can use the ACT technique, which is assist safety and then connect with others, cause a distraction and then take an active stand. If you are the quote unquote victim, I like to call it the survivor, then rise, rise stands for raising your voice, speaking up and then involve others around you, examine safe options and sometimes it's okay to exit with dignity. There's nothing dignified about losing your life. So some people, during the war in Libya, they say, you know, namutu, namutu wa yahya al-wadan, we're going to die, so Libya can live. They told them, why don't you live so Libya can blossom and thrive. But people think dying for a cause is the only dignified solution. It is noble to be a Shahid. At the same time, it's even more noble to actually be part of healing and building your community. And the power of justice continues like there is no healing without justice, as I said, because justice is something that people really, especially when it comes to humiliation, many people in positions of power, they humiliate their communities. And Allah said in Surat Quraish, He said, people who use fear and starvation as tactics, they will make sure that their communities don't reach their full potential as worshippers of Allah, if your needs are satisfied, most likely now you are open to examine your spiritual needs. But many, many of our brothers and sisters are chasing their basic needs. Many of them, they're working long hours, they work two jobs, they try to provide for their children, and they lose the American dream of chasing the American dream. They're working long hours because they want to take care of their children, but they're neglecting their children because they're working long hours. So it's like catch 22 and encourage you, inshallah, to try to find the balance because your children, they will remember the memories you created together. They're not going to remember the gifts that you brought them. So yes, provide materialistically for them, but also provide also emotionally. So subhanallah, this is an Italian artist who, you know, he said this is the exact description of ideal city. And people were confused. They said, you know, it's a beautiful building, but we don't see any humans. And he said, this is the exact definition of ideal city. And ideal city should have no humans because the humans are only capable of destruction, corruption and bloodshed. And subhanallah, I disagree with him because, you know, it can be beautiful place like this with beautiful people like you, inshallah, who are not engaging and hurting others. So try your best to be intentional about, I'm not going to hurt anyone. When I go to bed today, I, inshallah, inshallah, nobody is angry at me. They haven't caused anybody any heartache. And how can you be part of the solution? Try to reduce aggression in your small cycle. So don't be angry with your wife and children and your spouse and your relatives and so on. Work on restoring a human dignity as much as you can, even if you are working with children, if you are a teacher, if you're an adult, remember we are equal in dignity. Maybe you are not equal in power. Maybe I am an adult and you are a child, I'm a teacher, you're a student, but we are still equal in dignity. Everybody should feel dignified in our relationships. Engage beauty as much as you can and always choose compassion. Use a language that will lift people up, not put them down. That means you need to really examine your own trauma story. So go through your own honest self-inventory. Get educated, refuse to hate, not sugarcoat anything you see in front of you. Many times we don't get involved in things and subhan Allah. We try to make our relationship very pleasant and we try to not get into people business. Sometimes it's very important to get into people business. Sometimes if somebody is walking into a dark cave and he says, nobody follows me. This is the last time they walk into the cave. They already decided to end their life by self-neglect or self-harm. And many times this is the right time. You check on your brother and sister. Don't be too intrusive at the same time. Don't be neglectful. And alhamdulillah there are many resources for the Muslim community. There is a mental health first aid course that I encourage you to take. It teaches you exactly what to do in case of somebody going through distress and how to know your boundaries and what's the mechanism. It's more than what you can handle. And alhamdulillah there are other resources. Like nasiha is a hotline that talks about the emotional needs of the Muslim youth. There is like stones to bridges, which is also private and confidential service for the Muslim children. There is a Yaqeen institute. There is a Khalil center. There is a family and youth institute. Many, many resources that are opening in the Muslim community, including digital ones like Ruh. There's another app that recently was started. So alhamdulillah I use as many resources within and outside the Muslim community as you can. And remember never, never engage in hate or hateful relationship. Because subhanAllah we have seen the impact of hate on communities. So the African American community, the native community, the Hispanic community, the refugee community, many of them they leave in poverty. They end up going through the correctional and the juvenile justice system. Because this is a very well-calculated racist system unfortunately that we live in. People might end up with low education, employment rate. Some people will end up in the foster care system and state agencies like children protective services and so on. But please don't forget about you. So all of you are caregivers in one capacity or another. You don't have to be a physician or a nurse to be a caregiver. You can be a teacher, you can be a parent, you can be a social worker, you can be an Imam. Whatever it is that you are doing, most likely many of you are wearing different hats. That's why you are here today on a Saturday morning because you care about this cause. So some people they say I was not part of the ugly history. Unfortunately you are and now it's your responsibility to say this history will stop with me. Many of us we don't acknowledge our privilege. So I have to acknowledge that I am a physician, I am a male. So I have lots of privilege over people who maybe have a quote-unquote less education than me. And I try my best to use my privilege to help my community as much as I can and be an ally and support any healing practices based on the culture and the religion and make sure that you nurse your own wounds. If you are a wounded healer but you don't take care of your wounds, you might end up wounding others. So these are some of the resources that I told you about but the wounded healer is a model that Alhamdulillah we created and in the words of Rumi he said the wound doesn't have to be the source of only trauma. It can be the source of light and inspiration and wisdom and growth and even transformation. And this is how Muhammad alaihi salam was. Every experience he experienced he made it a source of healing for others. He was an orphan, he took care of the orphans. He was a refugee, he took care of the refugees. He was a survivor of hate, he refused to hate alaihi salam. So remember where you are coming from, your roots. Make sure that you focus on your moral and core values and try to contribute to your community. Maybe through acts of kindness but also through self-care. So in 2011 we built a model called Untangled to break the cycle of trauma. Alhamdulillah it has transformed into the trauma institute since then. So HDI is our website Healing Trauma Institute.org. Everything that we do is under that umbrella. So what we do is we do parenting workshops. So we talk to parents how to work with their children. So we don't see each other as enemies anymore. Alhamdulillah I had the privilege of flying to Bangladesh and working with Rohingya refugees in Cox Bazar. It was a very beautiful 10 days that I spent with these beautiful people. They have nothing but they are very happy with Allah. Sometimes we do marriage seminars. So in order to honor the sacred contract and strengthen bonds between spouses. And SubhanAllah you can see the names we choose for the workshops. Like today's workshop, Transgenerational Trauma. You know this one we called it Will You Remarry Me and SubhanAllah. We asked the brothers at the end of the workshop to repropose to their wives. And inshaAllah all of them they said yes Alhamdulillah. Including the lady in the back. She said yes Alhamdulillah. She took her time. She said I need to think about it first. But Alhamdulillah the best thing we do is actually youth retreats and camps. So far we built three camps. Camp Silla which is Arabic for connection. We connect children to each other to a high power which is Allah swt. To nature and also to themselves. And the second camp we built during the pandemics called Cam Mahara which is Arabic for skill building. So we used the traumatized rehabilitated horses to work with traumatized children that we are trying to rehabilitate. Very recently in the state of Colorado we just moved from Oregon to Colorado to take care of our families. We built camp Ihsan. Ihsan using different stories of different prophets to see the maqam of Ihsan which is the best status in our religion to be graceful. Whatever you go through choose grace. And these are some of the resources some of the communities will ask us to build a hotline or crisis intervention team or actual clinic. So we did that Alhamdulillah. And throughout this journey I wrote a number of books. One is called On the Shoulders of the Prophet alaihi salam which is how Muhammad alaihi salam was a safe role model. The Sahaba felt so safe they came and climbed his shoulder. And he did not kick them. He did not rebremend them. He continued to validate and make sure that they are respected, valued, safe and so on. If we don't have Muhammad alaihi salam we might find belonging somewhere else. So there are children who join dark ideologies and even extremist groups. So that was my second book, Generation of ISIS. And then I was invited to write chapters in the books about Islamophobia and psychiatry. Anti-Semitism and psychiatry and also psychiatry and the Eastern religions. That's currently under publication. Untangled is also a book that talks about how to break the cycle of family trauma. So you can see this lady walking away from Syria with all the destruction behind her. All of the bodies she's carrying on her shoulders. But she managed to take some flowers. So maybe I can plant new seeds in my new home. You don't have to go to a refugee camp to find healing and trauma is all over. It is in your own community, in your own masjid, maybe sometimes in your own home. So please make sure that you take an active stand to break the cycle for your loved ones. You are a wounded healer. Your wounds might look like this. You might be completely numb. I mean people ask you, how are you feeling? You say, I don't feel, I don't have any feelings. And that's okay. That's a sign of burnout that's inviting you to take care of yourself. So take care of your body because burnout can be fatal. This is a cartoon that talks about how sometimes we neglect our biological needs and we need a reminder from somebody. So make sure that you know what makes your body sink and sink. In my case, if I am sleep deprived, I don't function very well. So sleep can be very important for your body. This is another cartoon many people know of Finding Nemo. And this is about generational trauma. How trauma of a father can lead trauma of a son. He became overprotective. So he tried to take away all of the rights of a child to become a child, including jumping into the ocean. So every time Nemo wants to jump into the ocean, his father says, Nemo, you're impulsive. The ocean is dangerous. And Nemo said, my father is crazy. The ocean is safe. And eventually they had very intense moment where Nemo said, dad, I hate you. And subhan Allah, sometimes you hear it from your children, even though you're doing your best to be the best mom or dad. So remember that what makes your mind sink and sink? Don't engage in self-negative talk. You are a good parent regardless. You are doing your best given your circumstances. Maybe you just need extra tools and skills. And sometimes trauma can affect the whole system, including grandparents and our ancestors and can lead to destruction of the family unit. So we talk about our heart, what makes our heart sink and sink, which in my case, it will be important for me to build social support network, my family, my in-laws, my masjid, my community, and so on. What makes your soul also sink and sink? Alhamdulillah, we have Allah SWT, we have the beautiful Quran and Sunnah to ground us. So this was another cartoon that talks about children, might have many strong emotions that they struggled through. And Alhamdulillah, for me what healed my trauma was leaning on my faith, loving my family, engaging in gratitude and practicing lots of acts of service. So whenever I have some time off, I love to fly to a refugee camp so I can find meaning in what people are going through. This is the YouTube channel I told you about called the Daughter-Father Bonding Project. We have 60 videos, me and my three daughters, to talk about how Muslim fathers should really bond with their children, try to create memories. If this is the only thing they remember about me after I am gone, I'll be very happy, inshallah. Alhamdulillah, this is very heavy work, it's not easy to do, but I do it in order to celebrate the legacy of many loved ones that died. My sister, she died when she was 14, I was only six, she died of brain cancer, and I decided to be a physician because of my sister. I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but subhanallah, every time I go to the OR, I faint. So if you faint, you are not going to be a good brain surgeon most likely. So I became a psychiatrist, alhamdulillah, and I love psychiatry. I think mental health is the best field of medicine I really do. And then my nephew, Allah alhamdulillah, was executed by ISIS in 2014 when they took over the city of Benghazi. Alhamdulillah, they are no longer there, but subhanallah, it was a very, very dark and difficult moment. And he left behind a very little child. And then my mom, and subhanallah, if you know my mom, I mean she died in 2016, but every time you see mom, she is somewhere taken care of a family, a family of somebody who just died or somebody in the hospital. And these are random people, total strangers. And I said, mom, you don't know them. And she said, but I know that they are struggling. If I bear witness, if I show up, maybe, inshallah, it can take away some of their pain and suffering. So I really want you to, inshallah, take care of people under your care, including your family. Make sure that you engage in service, be committed parent, and be committed a community member. It takes courage to do that. So that means you have to also look within and take care of yourself. If you have any questions, this is my email, my website, healingtraumainstitute.org. But I think we have time, inshallah, for discussion. Thank you. Thank you so much, first of all. My question is, when the trauma is passed down to you, say from a parent, how do you maintain a healthy distance to take care of yourself, but at the same time, still do your duty to your parent and not fail them? Yes, very common question. And the excellent one for Muslim community we struggle with that. Non-Muslims, they can easily cut ties with their parents. And inshallah, how to make sure that you assert your boundaries and have healthy boundaries, so you can take care of your own needs. At the same time, don't neglect your parents, especially if they're getting a little older. Because the older they get, the most likely more soft they become. And do you notice they're becoming more gentle with your younger siblings or with your own children than with you? And you say, is this the same parent that was very harsh with me? And inshallah, if it's not severe damage, try your best to find room for forgiveness. And as I said, forgiveness most of the times for you is to take away the heavy burden of trauma from your shoulders. It's very heavy to carry that burden every single day. It's going to affect you in every way. It's going to affect your immune system, your body, your mind, your heart, your soul. At the same time, I hope, like this father, even though he did it maybe for quote unquote selfish reasons because he was meeting Allah SWT, he reached out. He said, I'm ready for forgiveness and making amends. And she was not ready, which is okay. We don't force people who are not ready to share their trauma story. So if they are ready, if they reach out, try your best to, you know, it's not necessarily ego if you are severely wounded. But some of us, we actually cut ties out of very silly things. I asked brothers and sisters, when was the last time you spoke with a sibling or a cousin? They say, oh, it has been three years. We just grew distant. That doesn't work in the Muslim community. We have, alhamdulillah, you know, Salat al-Rahm. We are encouraged to be very close to our parents. So try your best to take care of all of your needs so you can establish a little bit of healthy boundaries because if you are running through burnout, if you're not taking care of you, anything will take you off. So take care of yourself and your small family as much as you can. At least keep some kind of connection. Allah SWT said, you cannot abandon your brother or sister. This is in Islam. So imagine your own parents more than three days. He said, khairuhumalladiyabdaubassalam. Then the best of you, the one who says salam first, at least keep the very bare minimum. There should be some kind of relationship, even if they have stabbed you multiple times because most of their stab wounds, they were for your own protection. They wanted to do what's best for you, but maybe this is the best they could have done given their circumstances. Many of our parents, they come from different cultural backgrounds and they are very confused. They are very scared. There is very common say in the refugee community that first generation loses their language. And we see it very common because children, they go to high schools and public schools and learn the English language very quickly. And that will shift the power dynamics within the family. And second generation, they will lose their culture. And we see that children might be questioning their eid and Ramadan and they rather go to birthday parties and Christmas. And then the third generation might lose their religion. And this is what the immigrants are very scared of, especially the Muslim community. We always say, Ya Rabbi, I just want to meet you with my children, still Muslims. And do you think even about their children if they become kafir, am I going to be blamed for it? And so you cannot control all of these circumstances. Allah said, take care of your small family and do your best in the here and now. And the outcome is up to Allah SWT. Prophet Noah did everything he can and his son did not believe in him. But hopefully, I mean, it was a long way of answering your question that take care of yourself and if there is room for forgiveness, maybe they are too looking for that forgiveness. Yes, Allah, that phone call or that intimate one-to-one conversation, they might be looking for healing more than you do. So this is my wife, Noura Mashallah, my bitter half. I would also add that a lot of us children of immigrants are afraid to speak to our parents about topics that hurt us. And I shared a story yesterday about Subhanallah when I'd say I love you to my father. He never said I love you back. And tell when I was in my 40s, I asked my father, Baba, why don't you say I love you back? And he said, because you know I love you. You know. I said, Baba, I need to hear it. I want to hear it. And since then, Subhanallah, he never stopped saying I love you. And he also became more emotional, showing more affection towards me. And the reason was Subhanallah, I gave him permission. You know, many of our immigrant parents are so tough and strong because they survive so much. They think emotion is weakness. They don't want to show emotion. But when we give them permission as their children, it's okay to tell me, to talk to me, to tell me your story, to share your pain. You can trust me. Subhanallah, it makes a world of difference. And it really did a lot to repair my relationship with my father. Alhamdulillah. Any other question about a transgenerational trauma or how to heal according to the Quran and Sunnah? Because a healing, I believe, self-care I strongly believe is Sunnah. So it's not only luxury. It's not something that we do when we have free time. We make time for self-care. And I would argue it's a Sunnah because every time the Rasul, peace be upon him, took over things that he, Allah swt, thought are too much. He asked him to take care of himself. He said, If you finish taking care of the community, then take care of yourself. He said, We know that they are, when they disbelieve in you or Muhammad, you feel very stressed out. So I want you to take care of yourself through tazbiah, through istighfar, through sujud, sujud wa qtarib. So Allah swt mentioned it in many Ayat in the Quran. And the Rasul, peace be upon him, himself, he said, He said, Practice self-care. He said, Sometimes you come to me and some of the Sahaba, they said, you know, we went to the house of Rasul, peace be upon him, and we asked about his worship. And his wives, they said, He fasted this much and he sleep this much. And so they said, They said, This is a, we can't do better than that. But they said, His Rasul, Allah, he's already forgiven his sins. So we're going to do more so we can be forgiven. One of them, he said, I'm going to fast, never break my fast. When he said, I'm going to pray all night, never sleep. One of them, he said, I'm going to stay single all of my life so I can become only involved in Ibadah. Rasul, peace be upon him, was very angry with them. He said, By Allah, I am fearing Allah more than you. I love you to Allah and I fear you to Him. He said, But I still, when I go to sleep and I wake up for Salah, I fast and I break my fast. And it's a sunnah to get married. So Subhan Allah, He gave them the balance between dunya and between Akhir, between self-care and between taking care of the community. So as community leaders, community members, if you are active in your community, make sure that inshallah you take care of yourself because there is always needs. There is more needs than your resources and if you don't go to sleep because you worry about people, you're not going to serve people tomorrow because you are sleep deprived. There are people who will continue to need you every day. So do your best, then go and say, Ya Allah, I forgive everybody for your sake. Please forgive me if I hurt anyone and go to sleep, take care of your loved ones and focus on your small family. If everybody focus only on their small family and clean the mess in front of their house, the whole Muslim house would be very clean. I had a question. I think some of the trauma that we may, that may have been passed down is obvious. But for that, for those that are not obvious, like is there an exercise that we can do to begin to reflect and understand some of the trauma that we may be dealing with are been, that has been passed down from families. Yeah, that's a beautiful question. Sometimes we have a trauma that we are unaware of and SubhanAllah, that trauma usually will come and manifest in one of two ways. Either you are acting opposite to your core beliefs, your core values. If you are not putting your values into action, then question, why not? If you are a teacher in your case, an educator and now you are snapping at a child, even though that child may be the same behavior yesterday did not affect you. As strongly as today, that means today you are missing a basic need. Maybe you had a fight with your wife, maybe you ran out from the house, sleep deprived or you didn't have your cup of coffee or whatever it is. So take care of yourself if you don't act according to your core values or you're not putting your values into action. And the second one is making sure that if you, that the basic needs that you are missing, for example somebody is sleep deprived, they might actually be more impulsive and more reckless. And in my case, SubhanAllah, it can even lead the physician and nurses to medical errors. There are many errors that happen because somebody was asleep deprived and there are even car accidents that happen when you neglect basic needs. The second thing is the skills. We need to learn skills. If you are not learning skills that can align with your core beliefs, make sure that you do that. Sometimes I shut down in front of the children because I did not take care of something. I did not practice even though I give lectures about coping skills and social skills. Sometimes I shut down in front of my children. Maybe it's a better thing to do is say a Baba. Right now, I don't have capacity for compassion. My window of tolerance is so small. Let me just go to the Masjid and after Aisha, and we can sit down. Let me go and walk. I have a fresh air. Let me take a small nap. And SubhanAllah, we try our best to work things together me and my wife because when she's tired, it's my responsibility to take care of the children so she can have some time to practice self-care. And the same happens when I am feeling exhausted. So SubhanAllah, if you are noticing subtle changes in your core values or your body of language or your tone of voice or your core beliefs, it might be a trauma that you are unaware of. But another one I really want people to try their best is to build support system around them because many times I am unaware of this. So I need somebody who becomes my sounding board. You say, Omar, you are not acting yourself today. Is there something? And I need to be open to feedback. And we use one another because tomorrow they might need me and I give them feedback and hopefully they will be receptive to it. So this is called community of care. Hopefully the Muslim community is going to deeply care about one another authentically. So when I see you, I say, SubhanAllah, what's going on there? I am here for you. If you want to talk, inshaAllah, anytime my door is open for you and you do the same when you see me in distress. And so on. That will be a beautiful thing. This is how Muhammad used to do when he sees a Sahabi at the corner of the masjid. Somebody invisible, somebody sitting on the edge of society. He will go to them and say, I'm here for you. Imagine if Muhammad himself is saying, I'm here for you. Okay, jazakum lakhi. It has been pleasure coming to California and this beautiful community and as Allah SWT that as we gather his house, we gather inshaAllah at the river of Rasulullah alaihi s-salam, the highest jannah. Jazakum lakhi.