 So Marie, how important is trust in a relationship? To me, trust, respect. Yeah. Honesty. Honesty, that's a big one. Yeah. Well, don't honesty and trust go together? No, not necessarily. Well, because I think trust is when a part, okay, you're in relationship with someone. I think trust is not just about fidelity, does this person have my best interest at heart? Like to me, that's a demonstration of trust. Honesty, look at how, have you ever lied? Everybody has. Okay, have you ever lied to me? I don't know. I can't think of anything. Well, what I mean to say is white lies, things like omission. I think it's natural in the scheme of the fact that sometimes we might fear speaking our truth to someone, so we might budge a little bit. Now, I don't think either one of us has had a downright lie to one another. Does that feel true? Absolutely. Okay, but what about in the early stages of dating? Have you ever, well, do you feel like you, okay, when you first meet someone, do you trust them? Well, look, I trust them to the point where if they do something, then all trust is broken. But you're also cautious at who you're gonna trust with your heart, with your feelings. Exactly, so you don't necessarily trust someone right from the get go. You're not gonna give your deepest, darkest secret to a total stranger. We're gonna interview them first. Exactly. Well, whoa, whoa, she just said something critical. Interview, wait a minute, you're adopting my philosophy. So here's the thing, in a world of strangers, the fact is in the dating realm these days we're meeting total strangers. I think what's truly important is not basing your choice in a relationship based on attraction. I think it's important to recognize compatibility, character, communication, and the topic we're gonna talk about today, which is trust. So we're gonna lean into this conversation. So I wanna be candid with everyone watching. I actually saw this title on one of my contemporary pages. His name is R.C. Blakes and he listed the seven signs a man is safe. And I read them and I really liked them. So I thought I'd unpack it from my perspective, get your perspective and share it with our group and then we'll see what kind of rabbit holes this takes us. So the first thing that he outlined on his channel for trust is, and this is trusting a man of course, but I do believe this goes both ways. He says, he puts himself on your schedule. A healthy man moves at the pace of a woman, he will not rush you. Have you ever had a man push the relationship much faster than what you wanted? Not really. Really? I can't think of any. Well, didn't getting married seem rushed. No, but you know, when you're young and you think you know it all, it doesn't feel rushed. Okay, but I mean, I'm certainly sure men have come on strong. They've only pursued you from a physical perspective. I'm sure that's happened one or two times in your life. Okay, so they weren't moving at your pace. Okay, now I'm going to suspect that you would answer the following question with, I moved at your pace with this relationship, with our relationship. You moved at my pace. Yeah, I think so. Actually, now that I think about it. We both kind of just moved with it. Yeah, I think we both went. Well, actually in the beginning, I was very slow at the pace you were going at. Well, when we first met, no, that doesn't really count. Yeah, that doesn't count. I'm talking about when we first, when Maria initiated contact with me, my pace was actually kind of slow. But I think there's a nugget there. I didn't know you well enough to want to pursue anything with you, nor did I act like so many people do in the virtual world, in the online world where they chase someone with incessant communication. They dump their problems. They treat you like a therapist. I wasn't involved in that. I was just uncertain if I even liked you because I'd never met you, you know? However, when a man meets a woman that he likes, like I did when I met you, I felt it was important to go at your pace. So that's the first sign a man, he's safe and that you can trust him, okay? Number two, he's comfortable talking about heart issues. He's emotionally vulnerable and in tune. I think we know I speak that in spades. But what about the guy who said, what about the guy who said, let's take it slow? Was he even really attuned to where you were at? You know, I know we talk about that a lot, but he just wasn't my person. I don't even know how else to say it, a nice person. You know what, I have to give myself a pet on the back. I've really gone out with some really nice people. And I'm talking about going out. I don't mean meet and greets, because the meet and greets- Yeah, you don't know who you're gonna get. And then you get the guy that puts my picture on his refrigerator, that was creepy. But you've gone out with good men, or at least you've gone on a meet and great with a good guy and for a few of them, you explored at least a couple of dates with them. But again, you haven't really spent, you've only gone out with someone more than a month, just a few times since your significant relationship ended six or seven years ago. So I think part of that is, I wanna share something with everyone. Most of you know I'm a dating or relationship coach and one of my area of expertise is teaching women how to vet men, particularly in the area of compatibility and more importantly, emotional maturity. What's interesting about Marie is you intuitively do what I teach. Like when I think of my coaching practice, you did this or you learned through your own experiences how to vet someone so you didn't invest time in someone who wasn't a good fit for you. Well, you know, when I ended my relationship six years ago, seven years ago, I don't remember now. I already got to see all the mistakes my friends made. And I would be coaching them when I was still in a relationship. And then when I was out of a relationship and I found myself out there, I just didn't wanna waste time with people that were not gonna be somebody that I would wanna pursue a relationship. I wanna come back to something you just said. So you witnessed how your friends operated. Yes. You did the opposite. The opposite, okay? This is one of the reasons why I'm very reluctant for women to give advice to other women in dating. I think women give each other terrible advice. Well, it depends from what perspective. So, you know, I had friends that were, they were single for 20 years. So that's all they did was date. And I saw one mistake after another and I tried to coach them into finding a real guy. And fortunately, one of them has a great, great relationship and they've been together for six or seven years now. So Mike, well, you're the exception, not the rule. And the only reason why I say that about women is women oftentimes give advice to other women under what I call the Prince Charming caveat. You know, like every man has to be perfect. Otherwise, you know, they throw the guy under the bus. And I'm like, no perfect guy exists, you know? So I think you're a pragmatic person. That's the reason why. But coming back to, he's comfortable talking about heart issues. He's emotionally vulnerable and tuned in. This is, ladies, this is a critically important piece to building trust with another human being. Now, we have to recognize that in the early states of dating where oftentimes we men operate from lust or limerence. And folks, if you're not familiar with the word limerence or lust, go to Google, type it out, read about it. But limerence is extreme infatuation and being in tune. You know, so we might emote emotionally in the beginning but to truly dig deeper than the surface. You know, it's kind of like when we did radical honesty laying the cards on the table, unpacking, all those things are demonstrating a level of vulnerability beyond the surface. So when a man can comfortably talk about your heart issues and his heart issues, that's a good sign. He's trustworthy. You agree with that? I would, but sometimes that takes time. Oh, sure. You know, some people, especially I don't think men open up that easily unless they feel that they can trust you as well. There's no doubt about it. So the real question is, are you having a surface dating experience or a deeper dating experience? We shared with my audience that our second, the third time we physically were together, we did three days of unpacking. You know, like that was real intense. We did three straight days of unpacking our lives, you know, face to face, connecting with each other. I think in those moments by being vulnerable, authentic and transparent, we were building trust with one another. Yeah, and even though we were living in different states, we needed that time to see if we were gonna move forward. Yeah, I think by doing it accelerated, that was like a should or get off the pot kind of thing. Look, and if we're gonna do this, then let's cut through the bullshit, let's get to the nitty gritty, and then we can go have fun. Oh, it's all about having fun, let's have a good time. And then we can talk about how's your day going. But see, you know, so a lot of men aren't gonna shy away from that at first. They really, they're looking to see what you're like as well, if it's a man that really wants to build a relationship with you. Okay, so let me bring this up. You don't believe in my dating vows. I, you really wanna go into it? I'm gonna go there. Okay, I think it's really corny. Okay. And there's other ways of saying those things without making it sound like you're signing a contract. I get that, but at the same time, the motivation behind it is to have real conversations about things before you get physically intimate with someone versus surface conversations. Again, it's just, and by the way folks, if you're not familiar with my dating vows here, I'll put this up right here. Where is it? This is a link to get my dating vows. My point in bringing this up is it's to spark the conversation beyond the surface. I'm not suggesting it's the end all be all, but and if, is a man going to agree to it? Probably not, but let me just say this. Most men, you've got to decipher which is the guy who's a looky loo. I want something casual versus the person who's real serious. That's the intent of the dating. What I would do is I would just come right out and say, this is what I'm looking for in a relationship. But if you're going to engage in sex with someone, then you've got to get, you've got to extract from him what he's looking for. Cause when a guy just says, oh, I want the same things as you, he's just maybe appeasing you. Well, then you say, okay, what does that look like? Exactly. Okay. That's what I don't know. By the way, Murray doesn't always agree with me. So, and I don't always agree with you. And I think in that space of differences we can explore, I wrote my, an invitation for everyone to explore how you want to operate in the dating mating or relating realm. Okay. Number three sign. He's a safe man and you can trust him. He discerns things about you that you never told him. A man who loves you learns about you. So I think it was the other day, you just intuitively did something for me. I can't think of what it is, but I think we habitually do that for one another. In other words, we've invested enough time getting to know one another that we can actually figure out what the other person's going to say. It happens a lot. Okay. So say that one more time for everyone. It happens a lot. Yeah. Okay. So it happens a lot. We are literally so in tune. Doesn't that to some degree, when you recognize that I get you, that you feel safe? Yeah. There's safety and comfort and it's just feeling, yeah, comfortable. So, okay. Well, let's dive into comfort for a little bit. I was having an interesting conversation with my friend Tammy today. We are differentiating between those couples who have highs and lows versus ours is just like this, which I sometimes, No, you know, maybe we get a little bleep here. Okay. Enough where there's a heartbeat. Okay. My point is we don't have extreme highs, but nor do we have extreme lows. Okay. I just think we're well suited in that we're both emotional grownups. Okay. There's, I think I'm not about drama. Some people thrive on drama. I would say there's an addiction to drama here in the United States. I think most of, by the way, some people are saying how pretty your blouse is. Some people do. I think good communication is the key to our lack of highs and lows is, you know, in other words, there isn't these insane highs. Well, there isn't insane lows is what I'm thinking because we're able to communicate. In fact, yesterday we were having lunch and all of a sudden something came up that needed unpacking and it was in the moment. I was just going to say, and we unpacked it. And we unpacked it, but we did it in a very calm way in a way where we heard we, you know, I'm a big believer when you communicate, it's important to hear what the other person says, acknowledge what the other person says, validate what the other person says is being true for them. And I think in that dialogue, we did that and we don't want to share the particulars, but the point is, you know, listening is acknowledging what the other person says and I'm validating that person's truth to what they, or is true for them. Okay. All right, the fourth thing, and again, this is according to R.C. Blake's, he is comfortable answering to the men in your life. He's comfortable. Now he outlines, you know, your dad, your pastor, your brother, that sort of thing. Okay, now in your case, your dad is passed away and you don't have it, you don't have a right. Oh, my kids. Yeah. So, it's recognizing that the men in your life are important to you and he's not one to, I think what R.C. was stating, at least I agree with this, is that they respect the men in your life and they want to honor those men, especially how those men can be protective of you. So, lady, as what R.C. was saying, and again, I agree with, he's comfortable answering to the men, not from an authoritative place, but out of a place of respect. In fact, I did meet your brother. Yeah. Yeah, that was kind of interesting and he's a good guy. But you met all my kids. I met your kids, but your other siblings don't live nearby, so, okay. But to the extent that Marie has three men in her life or three sons, you know, I think to the extent that I've wanted their blessing with you as well. I have three sons and three brothers. Oh yeah, three sons, three brothers. And a daughter. She's only girl, so it's kind of an interesting combination. Number five, he provides an energy that gives emotional comfort of being seen and valued, allowing you to feel safe to tell him your secrets. Okay, so building trust, feeling safe. When a man energetically, this is ladies, this is really critically important because I think you have to be careful not to allow lust, limerence, love bombers, that sort of thing to give you a false sense of intimacy. And let me just say this, all communication via text messaging oftentimes creates artificial intimacy. Intimacy means into me you see. In other words, they actually energetically see inside you, create a safe space for you. So while I'm not here to encourage telling a secret on the very first, second, or third date, when trust has been built, you can share more intimate things to another person. I agree. And text messaging, it's small talk. It's just small talk. I mean, you can't have really deep conversations via text because you have to be able to look at how they're saying it. It's just so easy to misinterpret things via text. Do you remember that show we briefly watched called Love Prison? Okay, so real quickly, there's a show, you have to Google it, it's called Love Prison, but it's about couples who have been engaging in a long distance relationship, mostly via text messaging for either six months to two years, and finally, they're thrust in an environment to be together. 24-7. 24-7, in kind of harsh conditions. Okay, what's fascinating is when you read the text messages, every text message for all the couples started like this in the morning, hey, beautiful, hey, handsome, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. And they did this repetitively over and over and there was always sexual innuendos and flirting and kissing and all this stuff for six months to two years. One of the couples looked in the camera, okay, they're in this Petri dish for a week. And he looked at her and he says, I have no idea who you are as a person. And I'm like, you've been talking to this person for two years. You know, building this safe space requires getting into the nooks and crannies of a human being instead of the surface level conversation most people have. Okay, number six is he has a spiritual effect that motivates the best in you. What are your thoughts on that one? What comes up? Do I have a spiritual effect? You do, you do, you're very different than most men that I've known. It's hard to find someone that is in touch with their spirituality. Yeah. I have a cousin that she's very Christian and she only dates Christian men. But even in that environment, she does Christian mingle and all that, you still get a lot of them that they don't even know how to... I think there's a difference, I'm sorry to interrupt. I think there's a difference that from people who have a religious side to them versus a spiritual side. I mean, there are a lot of people that are religious per se. They've got a Bible on their nightstand, but it's never been open. No pages have been highlighted or anything like that. So it's one thing to go to church and think you're connecting. But to me, spiritual side is connecting with your divine self. Spirituality means connecting to your higher self. Spirituality means being introspective. In other words, your actions towards others matter. Those are all aspects of spiritual side. Integrity. Integrity is a real big one for me. That's, you don't have to be spiritual to have integrity though. But I mean, some of the people I've met are people of high integrity. They may not be spiritual, but they're doing the right thing even when nobody's looking, which is to definition. And certainly there's a lot of hypocrites out in the world. We were watching the Duggery family and that cult, yeah, the Duggers or whatever, that 19 and counting show, but we were watching the cult they were involved in all under the guise of religiosity. And yet how they treat people is very much one up, one down, particularly that men are in charge and women are subordinate and children are subordinate to men. Not that to some degree, we do have authority over our under 18 children. But to this extent, I don't believe that is a true reflection of spirituality. Take it or leave it. You can disagree with me. That's my perception. And number seven, again, this was according to R.C. Blake. So I have a great deal of respect for it. He says he redefines manhood to you. He redefines manhood to you. So traditional man, okay, what's a traditional Colombian man? Oh, I don't know. Well, yeah, there are machistas, a lot of them. I don't know, because I was raised in the state, so I don't really know, but I can tell you that I was married to a Colombian-American and he was very much traditional in that he's the head of the household and... His way or the highway kind of thing. And so having three boys and then I had a daughter, it was really tough because he wanted the boys to be tough and men don't cry and all that stuff. So it was a tug of war at times, but now my two oldest kids are married and they have great partners and they are equal partners. My oldest son just had another baby this past week and to see him caring for the newborn and it's just, oh, it's so heartwarming. So would you say your sons are a reflection of manhood different than what you grew up with? And what about yours truly? Oh, absolutely. I mean, you wouldn't be doing what you do. Okay, okay. And you're good at it. But my point is there's this kind of alpha expectation of what men look like. And I think those narratives are actually can be very unhealthy and in some cases toxic to the world. This one up, one down type of, I have authority over you type of the male persona for hundreds of thousands of years. Relationships nowadays are partnerships. Let's say most, well, and yes, women are out there working, making just as much if not more than men. And when you get two great people that come together and see it as a partnership, it really works well. I see it in my two kids. I love it. So really they redefine manhood but it's more redefining the gender roles in the perspective of partnership and not necessarily the stereotype. Does that feel true for you? It feels absolutely true. And that's what to the extent that I absolutely agree with all these seven signs. I think ladies, we have to be very careful of chemistry is not an indicator of relationship success. I've said this before, I'll say it a hundred thousand times and again and again and again, shared values, blendable lifestyles and more importantly, emotional maturity are the building blocks to creating a healthy, happy relationship where you feel safe with someone in your life because without trust, without feeling safe, you can't surrender to true commitment with another human being. And so I think we did a great job of outlining that. Thank you for that, I appreciate it. All right, so for those know, it's time for Q and A. If you have a question in the chat box, those live, write the word question then post the question there after or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley, that's a picture of him right there. He's my son who passed away a few years, or gosh, we're going on five years ago and his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Seeds of Love. Seeds of Love is an orphanage for children with cancer that have been abandoned by their parents. And my cousin, she collects, actually she's going to have a mission trip there in October, I might consider going. Well, we got to give her some more money. So everyone donate to the cause, to Seeds of Love Hoffman Process Insight Institute by all the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes that. And if you're watching the replay right now, please give a super thanks if you found value in what we're about to share. Okay, it's time for questions. Let's see what we have here. Barbie Jean writes, when is the best time to share? Well, it depends on what you want to share. I think when is, when did you feel safe to open up to me? Well, it was, I told you, this is where I am in life. Yeah. And because I didn't ask you questions, we've discussed that. Yeah. You just didn't think I was interested, but that was my way of putting the cards on the table. Okay, now it's your turn. So you start, well, okay. So you started with sharing. However, you didn't share the, you didn't go into deeper intimate things right away. So there's, so we have to differentiate sharing, right? There's the basic sharing of who am I, where was I, why am I here kind of thing, right? Who am I, where was I, and why am I here? Okay, I think when we get to more intimate things about our personality, our behaviors, our persona, again, trust needs to be built in this particular case, Barbie Jean, Barbie Jean. So there is no specific time, but just remember, be careful of the deception of chemistry. We oftentimes believe chemistry equals trust. And let me just say, that's the furthest thing from the truth. Trust, as Marie said, right from the very beginning is something, I mean, you can, you know, you can start maybe with open trust and someone can lose your trust, but trust is built over time and it's built through. Let me be clear about this. Social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends and opening up about your past and where you want to go in the future. That is how trust is built, all right? Okay. By the way, Kimberly wants to give you congrats on your grandchild, she had a girl, a boy. I am. Not that you had a boy, they had a boy. I have three boys and a girl and now I have four boys and a girl, grandchildren. Oh, that's, wait, wait, wait. So really quickly, Marie is of, there's four children. There's three boys, one girl. In her marriage, there was three boys, one girl. Now there's four boys and one girl of the grandchildren. That is fascinating. Okay. Miss Ashley writes, what can we do as women to make men feel comfortable enough to open up and share when you're starting out in a new relationship? You have a thought? No. In all fairness, Marie even says, sometimes I ask her a question, she feels like a deer in the headlights. It is only because she doesn't live this stuff day in, day out. I mean, you hear me through osmosis many of the time, but it's not like you study this stuff as much as I do. So, wait, let me come back to this question. When is the time, okay, to open up or how do you make a man open up? I'm a big believer of women leading by example in the area of being vulnerable, being authentic, being transparent, asking deeper questions than the surface. And by doing so, a man who genuinely wants to explore a more committed relationship with you, just like my dating vows, which you disagree with, I believe when you ask these deeper questions, it reveals his character, it reveals his capacity to be a partner. I know I was watching a video from some very famous coach. She was talking about how you have to speak to men in logical terms, you have to talk to men and how they think rather than how they feel. However, R.C. Blake's clearly states, he's comfortable talking about heart issues, like, okay. Okay, so what if he's not comfortable? How do you- Well, what happened to that guy before you met me? He wasn't comfortable talking about his heart, and look what happened. Well, I wasn't that interested. Partially because he was incapable of opening his heart. If he opened his heart, you might have been more interested. Ladies, okay, so what could Mary have done in that particular case? I think you weren't that into him, but what you did with me is once I shared a truth to you in the very beginning, you started to recognize who I was and you started to be more, what's the word I'm looking for? Curious. I think when a woman is curious about a man, when you operate from a place of being inquisitive and curious, it either creates the door for him to walk in to open his heart or he could go the other way. Most likely if he goes the other way, he's an avoidant attachment style and he's most likely not capable of it. Well, you're, okay, your second most significant relationship. He was very easy. He easily opened his heart to you, right? Right. Okay. He wasn't one of these mochi's moment that would have been turned off if you asked him deeper questions. Yeah, I mean, look, I just like to cut through the BS. Can you say that one more time for everybody? I just like to cut through the BS. And if you allow them to keep talking in their BS mode, then you're never gonna get anywhere. Yeah. Okay, I'm a big agreement. By the way, Margaret just gave us a $7.99 Super Sticker, big brugs and fun. Thanks for that. All right, Gigi writes, a neighbor keeps asking me out. I know how he operates in relationship. It's not for me. We are not compatible. I told him I'm not interested, but he's doubling down. What do I do? All right, this is your area of expertise. Okay. So let me think. I might just to get him off my case. In fact, I do remember this Dennis guy that I went out with. He just insisted, insisted. And so finally I went out with him. Nice guy, but it wasn't for me. Maybe that's the way you do it. You go out and you say, hey, let's get to know each other. Let's, I don't wanna say no to you for a relationship, but I don't mind getting to know who you are as a person and then it might change for you or you might decide, hey, you know what? You were a lot of fun, but this isn't for me. So you again, you cut through the BS. Yeah. You've hurt. Now here's the thing. I know how he operates in relationship. Do you know that from personal experience? And if you did, how did you learn that? Or did you hear it from other people? Sometimes other people give false information. Well, but who knows? Maybe she's been watching the revolving door. Okay. You know, it's got chicks coming and going. I wouldn't want that either. Well, I had chicks coming and going in the early stages after my divorce. But here I am. You're in a different place in life. That is true. So you don't know whether or not he's in a different place. Now if the door was revolving just a couple of weeks ago, that's probably not a good sign. By the way, self-worth is a revolving door. No, something Marie said at a camp. All right, let's go here. Candra says, Jonathan, how'd you become a relationship coach? Why and how long are you doing this job? What was your previous job? So really quickly, I was in corporate sales some 20 years ago now, I think, or 18 years ago. Then I went through a divorce and found myself out in the dating marketplace. And through hours and hours of conversation with women, I decided to explore what it meant to really be in relationship and how to be a better person myself. And through these experiences, actually through my serial dating, women used to call me up asking for advice on how to improve their dating profiles. This was about 15, 16 years ago. And I thought, wow, I had a knack at helping women improve their dating profiles. But along the way, I went started to go to workshops and trainings. In fact, in the last 15 years, I've amassed over 20,000 hours of coaching. That includes, in addition, I have over 3,000 hours of personal development workshops, training, spiritual retreats. I mean, you name it, the books I've read, the videos I've watched. So- And you wrote two books. And I wrote two books. So that's a little bit of the Cliff Note version. And my previous job was corporate sales. Okay, thanks so much for that question. Jeannie from our Facebook group writes, is it bad to ask a man a lot of questions to try to get to know him before you meet him? You have to do that. Because how do you know if you even want to meet him if you don't ask him questions? That's why I believe in phone calls or Zoom calls or FaceTime. I always say the first phone call is the first date. Our first phone call lasted an hour. I wasn't all that excited about it. Yeah, I did all the talking. Yeah, she did all the talking. She didn't ask me questions. So I shared that with her the next time we spoke because you initiated that phone call. And we ended up having a four hour conversation. She gave me about 10% of airtime on that one and I'm only kidding. Okay, so my point is is in that conversation, I actually shared my questions that I asked. This is something I teach in my private coaching. By the way, if you need some support and help, check out the link below to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. I gave you my 16 questions I need or I prefer to have answered before I invest in someone. Do you remember that conversation? Oh, I do. Okay. Now, we didn't see eye to eye on everything. We did on most of the things. The majority, I just remember. I don't want to say the specific. But we talked about politics. We talked about religion. We talked about vaccines. We talked about COVID. Of course, we met during that in the midst of COVID. Okay, so here's the thing, ladies. I always say the first phone call is the first date. That's your chance to simply get as many questions out of the way because you've got nothing to lose. That way, when you actually meet like what we did, we'd already built up all this rapport and friendship. So by the time we met, it was like we could have a good time. We felt like we knew each other, even though we really didn't. We just knew the basics. Wait, wait, wait. We went way deeper than most any guy has ever gone with you. Yeah, but it was almost like a year. Yeah, that's true. So, okay. A lot of people will say men don't like questions. Yes, men who are not serious, hate questions. Men who have avoidant love attachment style, hate questions. Men who are emotionally constipated, hate questions. Men who are emotionally unavailable, hate questions. Men who are only capable of casual relationships, hate questions. Hate phone calls too. Hate phone calls, okay. All the men you're trying to avoid, hate questions. Let me tell you about the men like Rob, Bennett, Dion, David, you know. I mean, the list goes on of men who you've met in my life. These are men who welcome questions because these are men of depth. You want to. Right, and you know what I noticed with, you know, cause I met some of the ones I had met them but I spent time with them a couple of weeks ago. And when you're talking to them, it's very different than your average guy. They're looking at you and you know they are present and they're listening to every word you're saying. I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you just said. Can you repeat that for our audience? Can you say exactly what these men do? They listen to you. They want to know what it means when you say something. They look you in the eye and they are. They're present. Present, yeah. Not presence, not president, present. Folks, when you're actually in the space of them, and I think you noticed that with me as well, when you're in the space of a man who's present, who's actually paying attention to you, that's one of the fundamental. I talked about, what did I say? He provides an energy that gives you emotional comfort. That is being present. He's not thinking about the future. He's not thinking about getting you laid. He's not trying to manipulate the situation. He is focused on actually wanting to get to know you. How do you do that? Ask deeper questions. Then you know if he's legit or not. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. All right, I'm done ranting. Did I find the next question? Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. Jeannie says, congrats, Marie. Marie, thank you so much. What is emotional maturity? I like this question. So I'm gonna go with this one. Go ahead, go ahead. All right, to me, emotional maturity, number one is their actions match their words. Their actions match their words. Consistently, I mean, there's gonna be times, hey, I'm running, you know, I'm late, or I say I'm gonna be somewhere, I actually, I was late for a client call today, which by the way, folks, when I work with a client, I am ridiculously punctual. I'm waiting, like Marie knows this, I'm waiting one minute before to press the button. Okay, and my phone zapped out on me. I mean, or like the internet, the connection went bad. So I had to turn off my phone and turn it back on. I was two minutes late for this client call and she didn't even know the difference. But to me, I was irritating. So again, consistently actions match words. Number two, they have victor consciousness, not victim consciousness. Okay, we are swimming in a sea of victim consciousness here in the United States. In fact, we are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness, especially with all the woke conversation, but that's just my personal opinion on things. Okay, they have a victor mentality. They don't operate from a place of victimhood. Number three, they know how to do what I call fight fare. Fighting fare means listening to your partners or person's point of view, accepting that that person's point of view, or first, excuse me, acknowledging their point of view and accepting that that person's point of view is true for them. Conflict resolution skills is one of the most fundamental components of relationship success. And people who are good at actually listening to you are demonstrating strong emotional maturity. Number three, they have empathy. Now, empathy isn't just I can feel your feelings. Empathy is I genuinely care about your feelings and more importantly, I care about my own feelings. Self-love, like what I wrote in my book, Everyone, What the Heck Is Self-Love? Any Way, A Journey, A Personal Development, Self-Often, Spiritual Work, there's a link below to get my book. Empathy isn't just caring about other people, it's also caring about your own feelings as well. And last and most important, not most important, but equally important is transparency. If something is material to the relationship, then it's important to be transparent with one another. I think in the beginning of our relationship, we shared some things that we knew could affect one another, can affect the other person. And it's important to be transparent. So, let me give you an example of not being transparent. You're still married to someone and you're telling another person otherwise. That's lying, okay? But transparency is about if it's going to affect another human being, then it's important to disclose it. Now, does that mean you disclose you have an STD on the first date? No, but if you're going to engage in a relationship, then you're going to disclose an STD as an example early on because that demonstrates emotional maturity. Is this sinking in? You agree with that? I do. Did you like how those five bullet points already just able to come out like that? Yeah, I've been doing this for a little while. No, but emotional maturity to me is just someone that you know that you're speaking on the same level, that they're into the conversation, they're willing to be open, back to you're cutting through the bullshit. Well, but okay, I would agree with that. And there are people that can do that, but yet they have terrible relationship skills. So one of the fundamentals I think includes that piece of conflict resolution because a person. So I'm not disagreeing with you. I agree with you. You got to cut through the bullshit at the same time. Ladies, you've got be willing to calm in out on shit. Chapter one in my book, chapter one in my book, speak your truth, do it with kindness. Many of you have duct tape over your mouth. You are so afraid to speak your truth or you do things like any windows without really discussing what's really bothering you. Now, I'm going to tell you all humans do this. I'm guilty of doing this, but at the end of the day, speaking your truth to your right person is not going to scare them away. Yeah, I also have noticed something that it's up to you to teach people how to treat you, to treat the relationship. And there are some men that they're with their friends, whatever, I'm assuming you meet somebody because I did meet people at bars. I didn't really go out with any, but I would meet them and they would be just trying to be like, hey, a guy's guy and stuff. And then when they see they're not getting anywhere and they start asking questions, then some of them will be really good guys. They're just playing a role and they think that that's the way to get someone. That's a good point. I think guys will oftentimes act very much cheese moe in the beginning, because that's the way we act with our male friends and then when they actually get with you, they can act softer, but they might start with that persona to begin with. Stuck on that word. Okay, so I hope Yadiyadas that we answered your question on that one. Wanda says, I've been dating a guy and he seems to become distant sometimes. I've tried to break up with him multiple times and he gets upset. Why? He seems to not be investing much. Well, have you told him what you really want from him? Sometimes men don't know what. Well, you have to articulate what it is that you're looking for. So it's not uncommon for avoidant love attachment styles. Where's the book here? Hold on a second. If you're not familiar with the book attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, Wanda, I highly recommend checking it out, the book below. A significant percentage of men happen to be what's called avoidant love attachment styles. So they can oftentimes go quiet or they're not as expressive with their emotions. Doesn't necessarily mean that they're not feeling emotions inside of them. They just have a hard time expressing it. Okay, so let's put that in a box for a second. You've said I've tried to break up with him multiple times and he gets upset. Okay, I know when my wife asked for a divorce, I was really upset, even though it was the right thing to do. My point is, is men oftentimes, once they're in a relationship, they nest in a relationship, they nest. In other words, once they're comfortable, they're not going anywhere. Your ex-husband was the same way, right? He didn't want you to leave. So that's not uncommon for men do this. What I really want to ask you is why do you want to break up with him so much? If it's he's not investing that much, then it's time to have deeper conversation of like, what's the purpose? Look at folks, I'm a big proponent. What's the purpose of relationship to either move in together or get married? That's the way I operate partnership, okay? We decided very early on, if this relationship was gonna work, we'd have to live together to see if it was gonna work. Otherwise, dating to me, I don't know if you feel this way, but dating to me these days for people that follow my channel, it's just a long strung out version of friends with benefits. It's casual. If you're not investing in long term, then what's the point? So why are you wanting to break up with him? If it's just because he's distant sometimes, that's not a cool reason to break up with him. And certainly you have an opportunity through radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and what I call the rules of engagement to either enhance the relationship or not. By the way, we're doing a couples workshop this weekend from the Eden Group. It's posted in my community page on YouTube here. There's a photograph of us, you can find it. This is an opportunity for couples to improve their communication together. What you might wanna consider is a couples workshop together, maybe counseling together. These are ways not everybody is good at communicating. You went to couples counseling, right? Not that it was overly effective, but it was an opportunity for two people to hear, see and value each other. Not every person is capable of that. However, I recommend you try. Do you have a thought? Yeah, well, not all men know how to communicate. And then when something uncomfortable comes in front of them, they get defensive. Do you not agree? Oh, I totally agree. But by the way, there is a great show on showtime called couples therapy. It's actual couples therapy sessions with like hidden cameras. Oh, I've never seen that. By the way, we have to start watching. We don't have showtime, we'll have to get done. We don't have enough. Yeah, we don't have enough things. We just binged watch the Duggers, the 19 and counting group. Oh my God, is that a story on Netflix? It's disturbing. Okay, or whether it was Netflix or HBO. Amazon Prime. Okay, so, oh, Amazon Prime. Okay, so let me go back. Couple, what's, it's funny. The therapist starts season two by saying the following. Each partner goes in and says to the therapist, you need to fix my partner. And the other person is saying, you need to fix my partner. Number one, each person is going in not recognizing that they have to grow and improve. It's always the other person. What's fascinating to me at the show is in the season one, a lot of times men are thrown under the bus as not being good communicators. And it's actually the women in season one that are just, they're vomiting their emotions and feelings in such a chaotic way that even the therapist's going, what the fuck are you saying? Women aren't necessarily, just because you have the capacity to emote doesn't necessarily mean you're good at expressing your feelings. This is why you wanna check out the book. This goes back to emotional maturity. Read this book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. If you folks wanna learn what intimacy is, maybe you should, if you wanna understand it, maybe you should learn about it because ladies, I'm not throwing you under the bus here. I'm here to say just because you have a propensity to vomit your feelings, doesn't necessarily mean you're doing it in a way that can be seen, heard and understood. You're laughing at me. No, I'm just thinking of something. Are you have girlfriends like that? Yeah, well, I have a good friend of mine, male friend said this to me a long time ago because as women, we get emotional and sometimes it's like, how could you think this way? And we just make stories up in our heads. And he always said, if emotions are high, your intellect is low. So in order to communicate, you get to keep the emotions down and think about what you're gonna say because I think a lot of... Did Bill say this? He did. Oh my God. He did. Mr. Player had actually had some wisdom here. Yeah, he did. Okay, wait, emotions are high, intellect is low. If you're gonna be in a therapist's office, it's better to be both heart-centered but mind-centered as well, not just vomiting your anger towards your partner because that's not gonna get anywhere. Because then the other person's gonna get defensive. Exactly. If you wanna get somewhere, you really have to speak with your heart and your mind. I would fully agree. Hey, listen, one of our... Let's see, I just saw a question bear with me. Someone asked, what are the 16 questions you two asked each other? Let me just say that is part of my private coaching. Check out the link below. This is, it's not that you use my 16 questions. We actually craft based on your personality the 15 most important questions you wanna ask before you ever have sex with a man. You have to design that for yourself. So again, I'm not gonna share my top five. You have to schedule a coaching call with me. Okay, let's see, let's keep swimming here. Let's keep going, let's keep going. A lot of comments. Jane says, yes, you teach people how to treat you. Men should not swear at you or even joking swearing at first time. Well, I failed that one because I curse all. Actually, I don't curse during the day. I curse. No. You would curse on videos and I told you, I'm like, that makes me uncomfortable. Okay. But he thinks that's the way he delivers the message. Well, for me, they're exclamation points when I throw an F-bomb out there, but I've been better. Yeah, you are. Only when you're on my typical self. So, okay, thanks, Jane. Let's keep going. Gloria writes a question. The men you mentioned by name are good listeners and welcome questions. Are they single or in committed relationships? Gloria, I've got bad news for you. These are happily married men. Yeah. You know, I think you appreciate that I've introduced you to a group of people who are very, not just heart-centered, but they're couples that are in really good, healthy, happy relationships because of good communication skills. So it's not just that they do things together and get drunk together and party together. They're actually communicating from a heart-centered space. So yes, these men do exist and there are single. Actually, there is a single man in our group. You haven't met, well, you met Jeff. I mean, if you live in Los Angeles, I'll hook you up with Jeff. So write me a private message and I'll hook you up with Jeff. He is a really great, he's the guy that he's gonna be in Columbia when you're in Columbia. He's in the coffee industry. So that's why he goes to Columbia. Yeah. So anyway, ask me about Jeff if you live in Los Angeles. Yes, I should. All right. I've been in a relationship where I'm told, where I told them I couldn't deal with the BS and they all agreed the same thing. But in the end, they all gave me nothing but BS. Why do men do this? I've been in a relationship where I told them I couldn't deal with BS and they all agreed to the same thing. Okay. So at the end, they gave me nothing but BS. So I have a reaction to this. Okay, first, it comes back to when a woman shared, it goes back to something you said earlier. You might tell them what they want and a man might just regurgitate what you want. Okay. This is why ladies, I'm always recommending, ask a man, what does commitment look like for you? What does a relationship like for you before you ever share your side of the story? You wanna hear what they have to say first. With respects to BS, what is BS? Bullshit, lying. He gave you nothing but lies. Well, my suspicion is you guys developed a relationship based on chemistry without really laying your cards on the table, being radically honest with one another and establishing the rules of engagement. Why do men do this? Sadly, we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality, of artificial intimacy and quite frankly, we're in a hookup culture. It saddens me how many young people will engage in easy sex. In other words, sex with someone they barely know only to find that person to disappear. I remember growing up, I had to beg to have sex. Well, that's the way it felt, okay, but I'm kidding. But you remember back when we were growing up, there was a virtue to not having a high body count, not having a high body count. In other words, having a lot of men you slept with. I was a goody two shoes. Yeah, you're a goody two shoes. So why am I bringing this up? Is because these, and by the way, this is true for men, women in midlife as well. I think why we give BS, because women will buy it. I'm sorry, but isn't it fascinating that women are attracted to assholes? Like why wouldn't a woman be attracted to an asshole? Oh, because she's gonna convert them because she's special. Wait, say that one more time. Because you're gonna convert him because you are so special and you're gonna get him. You're gonna be the one that's gonna get him. You're gonna change the player. You're gonna change the bad boy. What is it with the incessant attraction to assholes and bad boys? Maybe they're charming in the very beginning. Maybe they have lots of money. Maybe they're six foot two or taller. Maybe they have a nice car, but there's this attraction to the bad boy and those people can give, by the way, these days men don't have to say much to have sex with a woman. So my question for you is, how high are your standards? Because guess what? If you've established strong standards from the beginning, the BSers, they fall by the wayside very quickly. Do you agree? I agree. Okay. All right, let's keep going. You have to be patient. Jamie says, what do you think of that? Why do conservative men treat women more chivalry? I have a belief, whether it's a conservative man or a liberal man, men are dysfunctional across the board. They might temporarily act chivalrous, but let me just tell you a conservative, by the way, there are a lot of conservative politicians that cheat on their wives habitually. They might be repressed people. So I don't think it's based on their politics or their ideologies. I think most human beings, there's conservative men that can be chivalrous, liberal men that can be chivalrous. You can have conservative men or assholes and liberal men who are assholes. I raise my boys really well. I'm very happy with how they treat their women. Yeah, it's how their mom raised them has a lot to do with it as well. Well, okay, my mom didn't raise me as a bad guy, but I was still a player for a while. Okay. Okay. All right, let's keep going. Donna has a question. My ex-husband is a Jekyll and Hyde. He fired, wait, he fired five marriage counselors. He constantly said, they all side with you. How do you get a man to realize they play a serious role in good and bad behavior? Oh. Marie shared something with me. Personality, wait, how's it go? Personnel, wait, behaviors can change, personnel. That's a therapist said that to me. Okay, what'd they say? They said, behaviors can be modified, but personality traits cannot. So this is a person who's probably, their personality is so walled up, so possibly narcissistic, so incapable of actually being introspective that they deflect, they gaslight. So, did you have an actual question? How do you get a man to realize they play a serious role? Those men you're not going to be able to. No, that has to come from within. Just like anyone getting divorced, that was one of my red flags. If all they did was trash the ex-wife, then you go, well, wait a minute. So you were an angel? Well, no, but she did. She did, yeah. And by the way, women do the same thing. It's all the ex-husband's fault. By the way, there's a saying, full me once, shame on you. Full me twice, shame on me. Five times, listen, you're dealing with a person who isn't gonna change. You have to accept this fact. And Ariana Grande had a great song for this. It's called Next. Thank you, Next. Move on. By the way, he is an ex-husband by the way. What a therapist said to me. What? She said, you have to examine yourself at some point and you have to either, someone like that, you have to either resign yourself to a life of heartbreak or you move on because he's not gonna change. That's who he is. That's just the way it's gonna be. You can bring him 100 therapists and he could find a therapist and if it doesn't fit his narrative in his mind, he's not gonna like that one either. By the way, can I say something? I'm looking at you in their picture. You look really gorgeous tonight. Oh, thank you. You really do. Let me see myself. Well, not that close up. You're putting on my glasses. All right. I can't see this far. All right, Camille writes, we're gonna be taking off soon. We're going out for cocktails tonight. Question, how do you know if a relationship is truly a perfect match? What are the actual signs of a perfect match? And yes, assholes are better than doggies. Babe. What? And yes, asshole are better than doggies? Assholes are better than doggies? I don't understand that. I don't get that piece. Well, okay. What you've said this before, I don't think our relationship was built on intense chemistry. Does that feel true? Okay. What's the theme of what we've experienced in the very beginning and even today? Well, we're consistency and how we behave towards each other. Well, I'm gonna put words in your mouth because I'm gonna say. Okay, put words in my mouth. These are your words, okay? They're my words. Yeah, these are your words. You said that this relationship feels calm. It does. Yeah, calm. I think that's what you mean by consistent. It's calm. Camille, how do you know you're in the right relationship? It feels good. It feels comfortable. It doesn't feel intense. You don't, did you ever feel like you second guessed how I felt about you? No, but I'll tell you what feels awful is when you just don't understand why this isn't going right with someone. Like my previous relationship, it's like you get to the point where, wait a minute, I didn't say that. Oh, but you thought it. Well, how do you know what I thought? Wait, I wanna unpack that later. So let me remind that one. I haven't heard that particular story. But the point is you're not second guessing yourself. You're not feeling on eggshells. You're not also feeling anxiety. Now, believe it or not, butterflies in our stomach can be a reflection of anxiety. Well, it's good to feel excitement and looking forward to seeing someone. If it's actually creating such a visceral feeling where you're practically climbing the walls, those butterflies might be the sign of something else. A healthy relationship, you feel calm. You feel at ease. You're not on eggshells. You don't put the person up on a pedestal. That's how you know, Camille. All right, let's go down to the bottom. We're gonna go to the end. Wow. Wait, Camille, this is, okay, we're gonna wrap up with this one. You said women are attracted to assholes. I just saying that assholes are better than submissive men, doggies, oh, puppies. Well, all right, I- I don't think either one- I don't think either one of them is healthy. You know, look it. I'm not in favor of men who are, look it, I am guilty of putting a woman up on a pedestal and being rather feeling like I walked on eggshells. I've done that in my life. And that wasn't healthy for her and that wasn't healthy for me. I've also been an asshole at times. I've been very egomaniac. I have been an egomaniac at times in my life. This is where growth, you know, behaviors can be modified. This wasn't my personality. My point is neither one of them is healthy, okay? So they're not to piggyback on what you said, Camille. I don't think one is better than the other. I just think they're different than one another, okay? So I appreciate you share that. Right, Shelly says women are only attracted to bad boys when they're young. That ain't true. In fact, as you age, you are more attracted to the wounded person than ever before. Many women and men, after they've gone through a significant ending in their lives, find themselves very attracted to emotionally wounded people, okay? They can find themselves very attracted to the bad boys and players in the beginning. I don't think it's for the young. I think middle life women can equally be attracted to those guys as well. Any thought? Okay, all right, you're fine. All right, listen, we just laid out the seven signs of man as he's a safe man and you can trust him. I'm just gonna repeat that for everyone. Again, this was from R.C. Blake's who posted a video on it. I recommend checking out his video as well, but these were my thoughts on the following. Oh, well, we have one more question then we'll go from there. I haven't dated, or this is from Barbie Jean. I haven't dated or seen anyone in four years. What's the best way of starting to look, starting or looking to find someone? You're a woman, what's the answer to that? I'm a higher dating coach, I just happen to know one. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery called, I'm sorry, I didn't hear what you said, what should they do? This is the man that will teach you how to vet and how to get clear on what it is that you want in a relationship. Oh, well, thank you, I appreciate that, vote of confidence. Also, Barbie Jean, yes, you can try, we met through match.com and millionaire match. These were two dating sites that we both recommend, Bumble, Hinge or others, but just remember, when you're doing the online connecting, it's still a rather disingenuous, not disingenuous, but artificial way to meet someone. This is why you have to do a better job of vetting, that's what Marie was just talking about right now. So I invite you to try those sites but be very discerning, be intentional and exercise good judgment because a lot of people don't. Okay, we're gonna wrap up this video, I wanna just repeat those seven signs, he's safe and you can trust him, he puts himself on your schedule, he's comfortable talking about heart issues, he discerns things about you that you never told him, in other words, he actually is starting to feel your feelings, he's comfortable answering to the men in your life, he provides energy of emotional support, he's present when you're connecting with one another, he has a spiritual effect that motivates the best in you, in other words, he's operating from the place of four agreements, which is always be impeccable with your word, do your best, remember that people's projection of you is just their issue and don't make assumptions. And lastly, he redefines what manhood is to you, what that means is the traditional stereotype of men is I think can be very toxic, he actually demonstrates manhood in a way that you feel safe, seen, heard and understood. Those are the seven signs he's a safe man to be with and you can trust him. I'm really grateful that you joined in tonight as you do every week, thank you so much. I'm happy to be here. Well, I wanna wrap up this, I'm happy to thank, I'm grateful that you come on. We're gonna wrap up this videos I always do, first off, give them my belovedest, big gigantic John the bear hug of self love. Can I get one back? Thank you so much. I wanna give Gloria, McCoy, Rose, Elena, Margaret, Jane, Camille, Barbara Jean, Autumn, Shelly, let's see, Kimberly, Jamie, Jennifer, Jane, Priya, Priya's in the house, how you doing? Cassandra, Donna, everyone, thanks so much, wishing you a fab evening. We're going out for cocktails tonight, it's happy hour. So take care, everyone. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Actually, we missed half.