 lying is one of the myths associated with narcissism and the reason there are so many nonsensical myths about narcissism is that people came online and without any qualifications and any relevant credentials declared themselves to be experts on narcissism and so they propagated unmitigated trash and rubbish and so let's let's inspect eight or so of the myths first of all unambiguous physical or sexual abuse rarely results in adult secondary narcissism to be afflicted with narcissistic personality disorder one needs to be pedestalized idolized hampered instrumentalized or parentified as a child and then abruptly and cruelly discarded by the parent the adult narcissist spends a lifetime trying to recapture those lost moments of parental idealization myth number two narcissists do have emotions but they have access to an experience only negative affectivity rage envy hatred and the like so they do have emotions number three narcissists do have empathy they they have a truncated form of empathy called empathy which allows them to sport and leverage the vulnerabilities in their targets next narcissists dread abandonment they have separation in security or separation anxiety they dread abandonment exactly like borderlines do narcissists are often dysphoric often depressed especially when they fail to secure narcissistic supply number five grandiosity is about being unique grandiosity is not about being the best it's not about being the greatest it's not be about being the most it's about being unique special suing enemies one of a kind so the narcissists can brag for example about being the perfect loser the uninterrupted failure the quintessential victim being a loser a failure and a victim that's doesn't strike people as grandiosity but it is if you are the ultimate victim the peak of losership etc so you need just the grandiosity is about being special next some narcissists are pro-social communal these narcissists are morally upright altruistic and charitable they are ostentatious and grandiose about it all but they still are friendly and integrated in society sometimes as pillars of a community next narcissists cheat romantically cheat I mean extramarital affairs narcissists cheat less often than psychopaths because they're prone to abandonment anxiety they're terrified of losing their partners narcissists are less faithful during the bargaining and devaluation phases of the shared fantasy but in all the other phases they're actually unusually faithful we missed a trick we miss attribute to narcissists traits and behaviors because most of you are misled especially by people online and few of you bothered to read scholarly literature including these self-styled experts but misattribution is a general problem there is something called misattribution error or attribution error or attribution bias that is when we attribute to other people motivations that reflect on who they are rather than analyzing the decision-making process of other people we say well that's the way they are and this is called attribution error we miss and we miss attribute the most likely motivations to our actions and to other people's choices and behaviors often the picture is much more complex and involves layers upon layers of occult hidden reasons and causes I'll give you three examples take for example toxic relationships when you ask people why why do you stay in a toxic relationship some of them will say well trauma bonding or some such phrase which they have little idea what it means but sometimes people remain trapped for decades in toxic relationships not because they pity the part not because they love the part not because they're bonded with the part but because they seek to continue to punish their mates for past transgressions real transgressions perceived transgressions or imagined transgression there's a dynamic of vengeance going on in many toxic relationships I recommend that you watch the movie who is afraid of Virginia Woolf take another example sunk costs people make new decisions or persevere with all wise because they had already invested resources however minimally in a certain course of action they chose a course of action and they had met me they had made investments minimal investments any investment however small yields commitment and this is regardless of outcomes the outcomes could be negative the person can even foresee correctly that the outcomes may be negative but the fact that he had invested in the course of action means is going to continue to the bitter end and finally let's connect as example celibacy some narcissists or opt for lifelong celibacy because they are incapable of either sustaining a sexually active long-term relationship and they are also incapable of having casual sex because it undermines the sense of uniqueness and grandiosity so these narcissists are in a bind they're a catch-22 they can't have sex in long-term relationships and they have abandonment anxiety they're afraid to lose the partner so they don't cheat and they can't have casual sex so they end up being celibate as you see nothing is a is as it looks very often when you come across a lie or a deception or a confabulation you should ask yourself how does the other person perceive it if it is someone with borderline narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder they may not they may well not realize that they're lying their world is constructed on falsity what is the false self it's false the world is is founded on fantasy the world of people from people with cluster B personality disorders is founded on a fantasy defense gun or I malignant fantasy and so they have great difficulty to tell the difference between reality and alternative reality reality and fantasy it's all blurred it's all fuzzy it's all dream dreaming dreamlike and so don't be too harsh on these people a psychopath is the only one who uses lying and confabulation and prevarication to obtain goals but even with the psychopath even with the psychopath often there is comorbidity for example with borderline it's pretty or with narcissism it's pretty common so be more understanding try to go to the roots of the lie try to see what function the lie had fulfilled do you remember the classification the eight roles of lies the eight functions of lies try to understand why you are being lied to and then create the environment in the circumstances where the person with cluster B may feel safe enough to tell you the truth