 Good morning, my beautiful internet friends. So I wanted to talk to you guys about something that's happening tomorrow. It's something I really wish wasn't affecting me. So YouTube is not my only job by any means. Before surgery, I was working full-time and then after all of this stuff I've kind of been working from home mostly doing support work for other people. And earlier this week someone I work with asked me to go to an appointment with them. I'll actually be seeing a client in person and I said sure, but as it's gotten closer I realized like how much that freaks me out and I hate saying that because like all those shoulds come up in my head Like I should be confident. I should be fine. Like this shouldn't be an issue, but I legitimately really worry about them Judging me like I don't have a leg at all Right now and I'm either going to be on crutches or in an eye walk which is effective But looks funny and in insecure moments I feel like I look funny and like this is a serious appointment where you have to present yourself Professionally and I don't want any conversation to be about this like to be about the fact that I'm missing a leg. I Well, like I can totally spin it to be a conversation point. That's fine That's you know upbeat light and then while I dive into the important stuff of the meeting But I have been waffling all morning between Canceling because I really don't feel up to it or just sucking it up and going and by recording this video I feel like I should probably suck it up and go, but I'll be entirely honest with you I'm not sure if I will or not because I feel so much like Discomfort and weirdly shame. I don't know why about showing up there Like I'm somehow less less just less because of this like I don't want to show my face in public with work until I'm walking Well on a leg which is funny because I've like gotten over that when it comes to social situations But when it comes to work it totally switches over and I'm like nope like I have not gone to the office at all Since this happened I've barely talked to people and that probably shows insecurity that I need to work on I wanted to record this today to talk it out with myself and to tell you guys where I was and And I'll let you know. I honestly don't know what I'm gonna do It's weird to feel this way. I don't want to feel this way, but I guess I will update you on what happens So as my printer does printer things. Let's talk. You guys ever seen this room? I don't think you have This is our bedroom. There's the way to blanket from the video a little while ago Which I still use all the time the printer isn't printing. Hold on. Please don't do this this morning Oh god So for this meeting that I'm super nervous for I have to print documents out and it looks like my printer isn't working Please don't do this today Restarting usually works You want to work you can do this. This is a dumb problem to have This is why I'm not ready for this four letter words are running through my head on repeat We'll just round to a print store Safe to a FedEx. Let's see if we can get this done $18 later. I have 26 pages printed out dear god. That is highway robbery. So there's a few changes after he made I'm gonna chat with you guys while I fix this before I rush off to this appointment We're gonna move that where's my lens cap. I am losing my mind this morning swear to god It's gone, but I'm in the car so it can't be gone It's not like I'm gonna die from stress just because I'm freaking out. Maybe I will Got it. All right, just prop you up on the lens cap like so. So here's the situation I'm so nervous and I had a whole uh like block of time this morning set aside To chat with you guys about like how I was feeling about this meeting and everything because like I said yesterday I do not feel okay But maybe this like rushing and having to get stuff done real quick That wasn't expected kind of helps because I don't have a lot of time to think and I just have to do it Do you notice how fast I'm talking? This is like a legit panicked joe that you are seeing right now So I was talking to brian yesterday about kind of my feelings about this whole thing And he was doing a great job of trying to help me and was just saying that like you know He was meeting with someone and they were missing a leg Like he wouldn't think they were less capable But the miss you want to cry because like I feel less capable even though I'm not this is just gonna be like a Super emotional anxious all over the place video. I don't know what this is tapping into that is so upsetting to me that is like so crushing that just makes me feel so inadequate and Not worthless, but worth Less than I was before in my profession I mean, I have some experience in faking it till you make it and like pretending to be there pretending to be okay when you're not And so here's what we're gonna do We're gonna go And we're gonna do this and I'm gonna face this fear that I have been Ridiculously avoiding like I haven't gone to my office like walked in the doors just to say hi to people People who really care about me people who have been super sweet sent me super nice emails And cards and flowers because I am so scared of something. I feel like I'm gonna throw out now I'm just rambling. This is fun for all of us, isn't it? All right. Well, it's time to go So now let's remember that yellow card song that's like everything's gonna be all right No, just me. I'd be able to listen to that on the way over I was listening to the greatest showman track driving here. First of all, I love that movie second of all Has anyone listened to the alternate like the alternate soundtrack that has like panic on the disco and pink singing on it So like that's pretty cool. You should check it out if you haven't already. All right. I'm gonna go do this Wish me luck even though by the time you see this I will have already done this I just lost my lens cap down my seat today is not my day You guys I did it I feel like sometimes just like blindly doing something is better than trying to figure out how you're gonna do it If that makes sense So what I'm saying is the printer fiasco is a blessing in disguise because I just had to rush around and get things done And then get there yesterday. I was like 90 percent sure I was gonna skip Which would not have been a good thing for a number of reasons. I just really felt like I couldn't there's this song called liability I'm referencing a lot of songs and soundtracks today, but by lord That's what I felt like Like I feel like a liability where I go right now Like I felt like if I go people are just gonna have to like accommodate for me and Slow down for me and all of that But actually that wasn't the case like most things I built this up in my head to be so much worse than it was I think what we project out is often how people respond to us What I mean by that is I acted like I was really confident today and people responded to me Like I was like they weren't asking me if I was okay or if I need anything or did I need, you know A special way to sit or did I need an extra chair or whatever which Has been the case before and I kind of hate that only in certain settings like professional settings Like I want to be competent. I want to be confident I want to have everything put together and it was good to go today because I think I realized that I Built up a lot of fears and worries and anxieties in my head to be a little bit more than they actually are And like I can do this face to face with people not just Working behind a computer screen, but it also makes me realize how shaky I feel about all of this sometimes When I was talking to Ryan about all of this yesterday He was saying that like no, I think like it'll if anything like your lack of a leg will work in your favor because If I was meeting with someone and they were late or if they hadn't done something right And then I was like frustrated and they showed up and they were missing a leg Like I would be less frustrated because you know, they're obviously dealing with stuff And while that's a really kind comment to make That comes from a good place. I don't want that like no, I want to be respected and People will be pissed off. I mean just the same as if I was a normal person because I am a normal person People see me differently and that's okay Because I also am different But do you get what I'm saying? Like I just I don't want to be treated differently in certain aspects of my life I realize that there will always be like questions or whatever But if I don't feel like talking about it and like once I walk well and all of that like I can wear a full-length pants or you know, like, you know boots and People won't necessarily know anything and so I can avoid the conversation. I can't avoid the conversation now Sometimes it gets overwhelming Whenever you go it ends up being about the fact that I'm an amputee That's not what this conversation was about. It only came up like twice, which was cool. It was a good meeting Again, I'm really glad I went but just gets a little overwhelming sometimes the moral of the story is I'm Really glad I went today. It would have been crappy if I had not gone and left my partner hanging And that would have been wrong and rooted in a lot of fear and insecurity And so I'm glad I faced it But now I need something to eat and by something to eat. I mean coffee because I'm healthy Just kidding today. I'm not today. I'm not making super healthy choices I'm I'm gonna go get some coffee and something to eat food in hand I feel so much better already. It's important to eat when you're super anxious I wanted to tell you guys something um words words are not working I wanted to tell you guys about something really excited to happen this weekend But it's something exciting that happened this weekend. I really am just not working well at all with words today Am I the poppies came home? Sadie monkey You guys it's saturday night and we just got back from picking up all the puppies They are oh, where's the other one they're home for just a test run for the weekend And I don't think we could be happier. It's so awesome to have them back We're gonna kind of just give it a weekend test and see how I do with my legs See how I do kind of taking care of them. I want to make sure we can do a good job But got so good to have them home. We missed you guys so much. Sadie. I know you ate already. You can't lie to me You can't lie to me Monkey Welcome home I'm a little Sophie is scouring everybody else's bowl She's a little fatty at heart, huh? You're being overrun got you welcome home presents. What was it? One for you. Oh, you are just the sweetest. Can I have this? I'm so sorry Sadie It was amazing It was so so so so so good to wake up with them and spend the day with them and bring them home on thursday Again, I'm gonna try to test a like alone with them on friday I realized that a lot of people who are new amputees have dogs at home The issue is that like with the stairs in our house was trying to navigate with my legs still Hurting with pressure because like they jumped on it a number of times and it hurt totally worth it They're adorable and perfect, but I just don't want to mess it up and they're they're big dogs They have a lot of energy. They're very well behaved, but they kind of can't help themselves Sometimes it's challenging for me to try to handle them at home while staying safe and and working and getting everything done I need to get done So they've been hanging out grandma and grandpa's house in the forest with like five acres to run on so they've not been Suffering for months, but we've just been dying at home without them because they are just the loves of our little live All right, I'm gonna eat this sandwich. I'm gonna go get some more work done But thank you for sticking with me through an anxiety ridden morning. Yeah, I kind of freaked out a little bit I'll be honest. I am still a little bit freaked out facing a fear today was really hard to do I feel like it's easy to like think about making a video or watch videos about like facing fears I was thinking about making this video a couple days before and I was like, oh, okay, cool Like I know this is something I'm anxious about and so I'll make a video about it But in the process of doing this I was like, I don't even think I'm gonna make it there Like there's so many stories and like videos and inspirational motivational stuff out there about like facing your fears And I feel like it looks so easy on screen, but it doesn't feel easy in real life And so I guess I just wanted to say that if you're struggling with facing a fear I get that it's really hard and today it was worth it for me to do I think the payoff is usually worth it But man, it takes a lot out of you and it's really hard. So whatever you're facing today I wish you courage and strength For the day and hope that you're hanging in there. I love you guys. I'm thinking about you I'm gonna eat a sandwich, head home, keep working, and I'll see you in the next video. Bye, guys Just lost my lens cap again. You will not escape me again little lens cap. Bye, guys