 Welcome back to my channel in today's video It's gonna be my first like just sit down chatty video that I have filmed in Quite quick quite some time. I always want my channel to be a place. That's like a very fun positive like happy escape But actually that's not even true I want to actually just like connect and relate with you guys for the most part obviously I want it to be like a happy place. It is a lot of my life But I also want it to be able to relate with you guys and I feel like I've become Really like closed off almost in the recent year and I don't share as much Which I think is fine and there's like boundaries and whatever but I am honestly like just going through it right now and I I shared last year so this time last year must be the August time of year for me This time last year. Sorry the dogs are eating. It is their breakfast time And I about to get me to front of like 20 minutes, but this time last year I was really really going through it and then probably from like January to July was just really good Like I was a much better space like more myself And I just felt really good and then August came and while I've like been doing fun things I've just been feeling like really really often really down. I think I've like a Lot of stuff's just been going on my personal life for things that I'd like made Realizations about my life, but I'm just like I Don't know I can't really just things that like I'm working through now that I Feel like I just ignored a lot of my life. Like I don't know I don't really know how to describe it. This is the recent thing eventually when I have like better things to say They'll talk about it, but I just have been in this like weird Slump that's really down like I don't want to say depressed even though I have struggled with anxiety depression like my entire life on and off But I didn't even get out of bed one day this week, which is like so so so not me Like I've also been like really hesitant to like open up and share things because like I know that I really do have like a Great life, and I really am so grateful for it, but I feel like that I Am like overly aware of the internet over the past year and because of that I don't open up as much and that really upsets me because I want you guys to like get something from this channel and like Relate like I know when I'm going through it, and I see someone on the internet Opening up or talking about something that I'm also going through it just like makes me feel so Comforted because like I know that I'm not alone Which is why I wanted to just film this video and kind of talk to you guys just about random things and thoughts that I've been Having I think your 20s are hard was just something I say all the time. It's not this revolutionary concept I think everyone knows that but it's just been a really really weird time and I think where I've had times where I Haven't really dealt with like like in security or comparison or whatever honestly until the recent months That I've never dealt with it Obviously, I just mean like to the scale that I've been dealing with it I think I've kind of actually really gotten past that normally I feel like I know who I am I know what I want and all of a sudden in the past year, especially a lot of that has changed and That's normal like you grow up and that stuff is going to change It actually should you should be more worried if you still want you one in when you're 17 But I don't know I think it's kind of like rocked my boat a little bit So like when August hit and then a bunch of other stuff happened in my life like I I don't know I feel like I will feel bad I'll feel really down for like two weeks and then I'll get up and I'll feel better and like the next week It's so much worse and then I'll like hit down again It's like I'm drowning and I like can't get up and that sounds so dramatic But like I don't know how to describe it like I literally like oh my god. I feel so good today I'm totally fine in the next day. It's just like nope never mind. I'm just kidding, you know And like therapy is also a really really really great thing But it's also really really hard like I think I've had months in therapy where it's been pretty easy I feel good But then like the more I think you heal and go back to the more you realize you have to heal and go back to So there's a lot of things Recently for myself that I'm like I think I just lied to myself about that like because I really truly like in my heart of Hearts believed what I was saying, but it wasn't the truth like but I convinced myself That that was true as like a defense mechanism like and I'm trying like childhood like forever ago But I'm just now like oh that actually is a problem or oh that actually did bother me or like certain things like that We're like I for so long would have told you like oh no This is the best thing ever this is so great And I truly truly believe that but like I just at that age didn't have the tools to deal with it So I think I just like put it aside and then like convince myself and like as you get older And you develop the tools to go through things and like handle things are you just gonna come up? But I really thought nope not true at all like I guess I'm just a liar I guess I'm just a liar That's kind of what it's come to and also like healing isn't linear Which is something I've always said and talked about but like I think you can deal with a certain incident in your life And not that like one incident you're gonna be dealing with for the rest of your life But I think that like a big traumatic event for me I have noticed that I will deal with it at that age at a year years later Whatever and then like at 24 I deal with it in a different way not that I'm not like fully healed or moving on I mean, maybe I'm not in certain cases, but like it's Like I'm older and it affects me as a 24 year old different than it affected me as like a 15 year old You know what I mean, and then I have to deal with it like as a 24 year old And like what I think now what I want now and how this affects my life And how I view my perspective and whatever and also I feel like there's been so much has happened at once my therapist always says like You just have like a gray lens right now like your perspective on things is everything So there will be a time or something really really bad will happen But I'm healthy and in a good place and I'm able to deal with it better But now look when everything bad happens and then I'm in this more vulnerable place where I'm feeling down Then obviously like I'm gonna be wearing my gray tinted sunglasses and I'm gonna see things differently Also like another thing is that I just been feeling so lonely, which I feel like I feel so stupid saying for Multi-reasons one. I kind of feel like an asshole saying that because I really really good friends and I have a good amount of them I will say one of the things that I'm going through right now is like Re-evaluating who I'm around and spending time with and I thought so normal like I think everyone should do that And it's not really anyone you super close to me But it is just like social outings and I'm like when I leave that I don't feel good Like I those people do not make me feel good And it's honestly probably nothing personal to them But like there's something about it and I don't know what it is But it doesn't make me feel good and I don't really want to be a part anymore like and because I know it doesn't make me feel Good, I'm actually like okay. I'm not doing that anymore But for so long I was doing it because I was like, oh no like it's my fault or like I don't know Why I feel that way or whatever and it's like at the end of the day I think it doesn't even matter who's fault it is like there's just something about it that makes me not feel great This is such a small majority of the people that I spend time with but That in itself. I'm like I end up feeling Awful and I don't know why but I just know it doesn't make me feel good and I Hope I don't make people feel that way But if I did I would hope those people would like distance themselves for me, you know But anyways on the topic of feeling lonely like I just I Don't know I have so many good friends and I feel like this is something I've always dealt with in life and it makes me sound so Stupid and like I feel like almost like stuck up saying this because I have great friends So I feel like in my head when I feel that way I don't even want to voice it because then I feel like it discredits the people around me even though it's not a them thing It's a me thing and I'm of course system research apparently I did read and this is what I'm always going back to are your 20s Harder is this just how I deal with things and want to like blame something, you know But it did say that your 20s you're loneliest years of your life. So Just saying it's not just me Anyways, I don't know that's just been like really weird because I'm also it's not even like I'm just like surrounded by people that make me feel lonely It's like I'm surrounded by really good people that I really love like there's a lot about My friendships and things that I am changing but I do have like solid people who I adore And I spend like a lot of my time with them So maybe it's just the fact that like there have been other people who have been like not Making me feel that way if any of you guys have felt that way I can explain it better Like please do I don't know why I feel this way I have such good friends everywhere too. Like it's not just in Dallas It's not just in LA It's not just in New York like and I have so many people that I can call on the phone and just like cry to you Which I do and I have been doing a lot this week as I said I literally I don't think I've cried like I have cried in the past few weeks so so so so much and Literally just laid a bed for like I can't even tell you and I don't There I mean I definitely know a lot of the reasons why but like it still sucks You know also another thing that I normally like don't do like on one end I am hard on myself and I do expect a lot but on the other I think like maybe that's more like socially like personal growth But on the other I don't feel like I beat myself up Like if I make a mistake or if I can embarrass myself my oh whatever like I do let those things roll off my back But for some reason like I have just been like hating myself almost like beating myself up for things like why would I love This person treat me this way or why would I get into the situation or why did I react that way? I why did I even do that in the first place like things like that that are really honestly not that big of a deal like Things happen people make mistakes you move on you grow and it was honestly like not even all mistakes that I've made like It's just when you're in a situation. You're like why? Did I let myself get treated like that? I don't know just being so hard on myself Which normally I can consciously be like hey, it's okay. It wasn't your fault or even if it was your fault You know like take responsibility move on grow like that's not you but first high fence But for some reason it's just been a lot harder for me to do that. Hey, can you get out of the frame bud? Thank you For some reason it's just okay, dude Hi, and then I will spiral which I feel like what it what it's been is that normally I'm able to get myself out of the Spiral before but I think I'm just too far into this thing There's just too much happening at once that then I'm like, oh my god I hate myself and the choices that I've made and then I like spiral which is everyone hate me like Or like one person will say something and then it's like oh my god Everyone hates me which one is obviously not true like that's an extreme But also like it just like spirals and then I'm like what's wrong with me And then I get like really it's cure like I compare myself and like that is not me like I know myself I don't know why I'm right now. I'm a little bit confused about that But that is not me like I don't do that. I don't think that way I normally am like no like that's just not me You know so it's like I'm doing things that are just not me and I don't like it at all I think a lot of people go through this But like realizing a lot of things that you thought growing up We're just like not true and then just like working through that I think that's been like a really big one like I feel like a kind of good constant headache because I'm just like I don't even know How to deal with this or how to work through this and then just feeling like really anxious and honestly like kind of depressed like I really Hate I really hate using the word, but I've just been really down with that being said There are definitely times where I'm in a better mood or if I'm happier I'm with my friends like not everything that you see is like fake by any means But it's like I think at the end of the day like you really never know what someone is going through Honestly another thing that I've realized is that like I think a lot of people will relate to this But when you grow up in like a very tumultuous home like when your childhood is really all over the place So your parents get divorced you're back and forth. There's a lot of family drama family conflict Whatever it is. I just want something consistent and stable like that is all I want in my life and I Am now realizing that more than ever I'm like I just that's why I think I love a lot of the friendships of people who I've known for years and even if we like grew apart at certain points you've come back or people that I have kept for years like I think I Don't want to like let go of certain things because to me that brings me stability Even if like the healthy thing is to just kind of like move on from that So I think it's hard for me to let go of things that in my eyes have brought me some sort of stability Even though maybe it's like necessary. I don't know guys like I just think I Don't feel like myself right now. I don't really like how I'm like Reacting or responding to things like I almost don't recognize myself I think that's the thing and I think this happened like very dramatically and very overnight and This could be a hormonal thing like I have a lot of hormonal issues that we've been talking about that I'm still working through But I just don't feel like myself and that's another thing like I will feel weird I'll feel really down for a day and kind of like catastrophize and thinking and be like oh my god Like instead of just letting my emotions like pass and sitting with them and letting them like flow or pastor or whatever they say I don't know. But yeah, I don't know. I think at least in the past month regardless though I've just been feeling off and I haven't been feeling like myself and I It's not that I don't like who I've become but like I Don't know I just feel like even like my view of myself has changed and that is what really scares me the most because that is the One thing that I feel like I've always had like I've always had a very strong sense of myself And I've liked myself like it's not that I don't like myself I just don't feel like myself and that's what stresses me out and also I think another thing is like there's so many things that I want to do in life and I've gotten so far like I have gotten really far into what I want to do But obviously there's always gonna be more and that itself like almost paralyzes me because I'm just like oh my god How am I gonna get there? But then I'm like I've already gotten here like I didn't just get here to stay here Like there's going to be other things like I'm going to get there and it's not gonna be an overnight thing but that in itself like has just been really almost like intimidating and like Stressing me out too, which is kind of weird because normally I have this like very naive like I can do it I'll be fine and like I figure it out and I do it and it works out But I I don't know guys like I've just been I've just been feeling weird. So I love you guys I am so grateful for you guys and I am grateful for my life Obviously, but I did just want to talk about some things that I've been like going through my mind because I know like a lot of you I'm I hope at least one of you will relate to this video But if you're going through a bad time look, I am I always talk about the six month rule and this time last year Dom and I kept saying in six months life is gonna be so much better and things will change or whatever And in less than six months It was so it was like the best that it had ever been and so I just keep thinking about that Like there are good things that are happening like Jess will be here so soon. I've made new friends that I really love I love my friends right now currently and just like the plans that we have for the fall And I do know that this is something that I will get through and I will get out of and I'll be stronger because of it And I'll probably like myself even more after I get through it Well listen to the case this new album that came out this morning Wow breadwinner Casey Musgraves if I have up something a year ago I would have been a monster like thank God it came out when it did God's timing, you know, but anyways, I really hope you guys enjoyed today's video. I love you guys so much And I will talk to you soon. Okay. Bye