 breaking up gracefully. So, this is a lesson. I've never done a teaching on this in the church, but I believe that this lesson will help some people. Though we desire through courtship for our relationship to go into marriage, there are cases and there are situations where a relationship does not work out. And today you're going to learn on how to identify that relationship and what to do with that relationship. Signs that you might need to break up. Number one, when a person does not share your faith, your values and your vision. Number two, when those in authority do not support your relationship. Number three, when you're trying to change that person. Number four, when you're being abused, controlled and manipulated in a relationship. Number five, there is no attraction. Number six, your gut says you're making a mistake. Number seven, a person is lying to you and is cheating on you. And number eight, you guys are always fighting. If you're dating or in courtship and these signs are present, especially more than one or two. No matter how difficult it is for you to listen to the next few minutes, you already know what you must do. And what I want to share with you is how to do it properly. Before you break up, know the difference between preferences and deal breakers. Now, every relationship will have preferences. Certain things that maybe you had an expectation. And someone said the person that you're going to marry most likely will meet 80% of your expectations. And there is going to be 20 that they are not going to meet. Because sometimes our expectations are a little bit crazy. And so there are preferences that we would have and expectations that we will have and not all of them will be met. Even if you are in that stage right now where you feel like this person is exactly what I wanted, 100%, that's not true. Because nobody can be that person. There's going to be always something that this person could change or do better. Even in the perfect relationship, 80% is really what you are looking for. And then 20% is what they're going to be missing. It's the reality of life. But the difference between deal breakers, things like abuse, things like a person is doing drugs, things like a person is lying to you, things like nobody in your mentorship, parents or even friends support that relationship. Things like, you know, there's red flags, this person doesn't follow and does not have your convictions and does not have your vision. Things like you're always fighting. These are not preferences. These are deal breakers. So know the difference between these two. It's a funny story about when I met my wife, you know, at first it seemed like, man, she's 100% and she is what I wanted. Great blessing and beautiful and godly, graceful woman. But my wife did not have a straight teeth. Now I understand what I'm about to tell you. This is just my story. So take it with a grain of salt. And when she would smile, you know, like her side teeth would kind of really, really stand out. And they kind of, like, I don't know, just a little bit bother me when I was dating. But, you know, I looked in the mirror and I looked at myself and how not so handsome I was. So I was like, you know what, I think I can live with that. That's not a deal breaker for me. And never once I mentioned that to her. Never once. In fact, when we were married, I never once brought it out. Once in a while I would notice it, but it wasn't a deal breaker for me. Until about a few months into our marriage, my wife noticed and mentioned that she's like, you know, I wanted to straighten my teeth and, you know, take what the race is on. But, you know, I never had the money and, you know, it's our young marriage. We don't have the money right now. I was like, well, we can find money. And I'm like, I used to be very stingy. She's like, really? And I was like, yeah, for you, anything. It was like 5,000 US dollars. It's a lot of money. And because, you know, it's something that bothered me a little bit, I was willing to pay any price for that. And it made me very happy to know that, you know, it bothered her. But that's a preference. I could have lived with it with no problem whatsoever and never once brought it up because I was happy and I was satisfied. And preferences should not be deal breakers. But deal breakers should never be treated as preferences. So before you break up, know the difference between a preference and a deal breaker. Number two, talk to God. Pray about it. Before you go and ask other people what they think. Ask God what he thinks about this. Number three, have an honest conversation with the person you are courting or dating but say that you have deal breakers. Have an honest conversation with them about this issue or that issue. Don't break up until you have a conversation. Talk with them. Bring it up. Maybe there's a misunderstanding. Maybe there's something about their past you don't know. Maybe there's something you're missing. So having an honest conversation. A lot of people don't have honest conversations because they're expecting the other person to read their mind. The person you are in relationship with is not a mind reader and they're not a prophet. They're a person and you have to have an honest conversation with them. Next one, get advice from mentors you trust. After having a conversation you notice maybe things are not changing or maybe things are changing. Bring your mentors along. Let them speak some wisdom. Let them speak from their experience, things into your life that whether this is a deal breaker or not, whether you are overthinking, whether you're just being emotional, whether this is just a drama queen in you that is stirring that up, maybe you're super hyper spiritual and pays attention to too many prophetic words and it messes you up and you're not thinking straight. So bring mentors in who can help you to think more clearly and see this from a more of a balanced view. And last one, if there was something that the person committed that you see that they need forgiveness for, forgive them. Now, if they cheated or they continuously lie or they abuse drugs or this and that, you know forgiving someone also does not mean that you trust them and it does not mean that you cover it under the carpet and go and get married. Just because they webbed, cried, you feel sorry for them and because they promised they'll never do it again. Forgiveness and trust are not the same. Forgiveness does not mean restoration and reconciliation. Sometimes forgiveness leads to that but there are cases and many of them where forgiveness is just forgiveness. You forgive that person but it doesn't mean that you have a future with that person. Now, how to break up? You might say, well, I know how to break up. You just break up. Not really. That's not really how it's done. Number one, don't do it over a text message or email. One of the worst things that you can do if you already know someone you've had a relationship with them is to break up over a text message. You owe that person to see your feelings, to hear your words and your presence. It's a cowardly act to break up over an email and over a text message. It's disrespectful. It's really hurting and it doesn't give that person a chance for a proper closure. Number two, avoid saying things that are hurtful or diminishing to that person. Avoid destroying the person. Remember, you're ending a relationship, not a person. Your goal is to kill the horse, not the rider. So you don't attack the person even if it was their fault. Even if what they did, you forgave but you cannot move on. Do not destroy the person in the process. They are made in the image and likeness of God. They're God's creation. And just because this relationship doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you have to destroy and wreck a person's identity and sense of worth. Number three, don't be friends with your ex. Create a distance. Now, it doesn't mean that you don't have to be friendly. It doesn't mean that you have to hate them. Meaning, you can't continue friendship, close friendship with your ex, especially if you're going to get married to someone else. It will create friction in your relationship. Creating distance is better. Even if you're mature enough, they are mature. But being close friends and being people who go out, have a good time and everything, will create problems for you in the future and in the beginning, when you break up, you will have a difficult time getting over if you keep the relationship close and alive. Don't over-spiritualize the reasons for your breakup. Be honest and speak the truth in love. If I'm going to hear one more person who's going to say, well, God told me we're not supposed to be together or use some kind of a dream or prophetic thing, if that happens to a person like that, drop them, run away from them. People who over-spiritualize things all the time and they're always led by prophecies. They are not stable and they're not mature. You should not build your relationship on prophecies. You should build it on love, on mutual respect and on the word of God. Because if a person is moved constantly by dreams and visions, prophetic things and how they feel in their heart and everything, that person will be unstable in their ways. Mention not live a bread alone but by every word. Live by God's word instead of your feelings. So don't spiritualize things. Say the truth. Be honest and speak the truth in love. Number five, grieve. Take time to heal and emotionally disconnect. Just because relationship ended, it does not mean you were disconnected. When the person stops playing guitar, it does not mean the strings are detached. A lot of times you can still be emotionally connected to that person for a few months. They recommend it takes from six to twelve months from dating after you break up, especially if you had a serious relationship for your heart to get free from that person. And so when you go into the next relationship, you won't be doing it trying to punish your ex or trying to get a healing from your ex by trying to connect to someone who's next. Number six, get support from a counselor, life group, close friends and family. Don't do this alone. Don't walk alone. If you are the one who broke up, if you're the one that somebody broke up with you, you will be hurting. You will be painful. But you can get through this with someone around you. If you will isolate yourself from other people, the devil will present temptations that will be difficult to resist, like alcohol, drugs, immorality, pornography, binge watching, TV shows, depression, anxiety and nightmares. And then it will go into overeating or it could go into anorexia and other things. You can grieve properly by allowing people to come into your life and by allowing God's presence to heal the wounds that maybe this breakup has created. Number seven, take a break from dating from six to twelve months. Pause. Get yourself back. Figure yourself out. Find out why and what went wrong. Where did you miss the red flags? Get yourself healed. Get yourself home. Don't jump into the next relationship without first being healed and restored from the previous one.