 The narcissist doesn't want you to figure this out. When you first met the narcissist, it seemed like you had so much in common. You had similar interests and characteristics. You liked the same food or music. You liked the same TV shows or movies. The same hobbies or interests. You agreed on a lot of things. You shared the same perspectives and that is why you rarely argued. You rarely expressed a virgin or opposite views because it seemed like they agreed with everything you said. They were idealizing you. It's like they saw you as this perfect person who couldn't do anything wrong. They weren't interacting with who you really are. When they first met you, they took a mental snapshot of everything good about you. Everything they wanted you to be and that is what made them want to be involved with you because in that moment you were perfect. You couldn't do anything wrong. You were everything they needed at that time but of course it wasn't real. No one's perfect. We all have flaws and imperfections. We all make faults and mistakes but the narcissist lives in his fantasy world where everything is either good or bad and when they first met you, you were perfect to them but this was just the image they had of you in their minds and they weren't being real either. They mirrored you. They told you what they thought you wanted to hear. They showed you what they thought you wanted to see even though they weren't about any of that. They acted as though they liked the same things as you. They pretended to agree with everything you said and believed in even if they secretly had opposing views which made it seem like you had a lot in common. When really you were just interacting with that mirror image of yourself. You were falling in love with yourself because that's all that they were presenting back to you. Different parts of yourself, things that you like, things that you're about but they were never about any of that. Just remember all of the things they said they liked, things that you were supposed to have in common. Why aren't they engaged in any of those things now? Why aren't they involved in those activities or interests with you anymore? Why does every conversation you have with them end in an argument? When one of the main reasons why you got together was because you shared the same perspectives or views. What changed? The truth is the character the narcissist displayed to you in the beginning wasn't even real. They weren't really interested in any of those things but they knew that you were. They didn't really agree with anything you said or believed in but they knew that if they were to argue or disagree with you back then it's unlikely you would have stuck around. You can't really build anything with someone who has opposing views because they're constantly going to be going in a different direction to where you're going so they have to create the illusion that you have things in common. They have to create the illusion that you share the same perspectives so that you then think you're building something with them when in reality you're building on a weak foundation, something that was never real and that's why you're seeing now that the narcissist seems to like the opposite of everything that you like. They seem to argue or disagree with everything you say because when they first met you they lied to you. They displayed a false deceptive character who they thought was everything you wanted. Someone who had a lot of things in common with you. Someone who shared the same interests and characteristics. Someone who liked the same things and naturally this is someone that you would gravitate towards. It's someone you would want to be involved with because you seem so alike but you don't realize at the time that it's all fake. You don't realize that it's all a lie. When the narcissist first met you they took a mental snapshot of you of everything that was good about you and everything that they wanted you to be. This image of perfection. Something that no one could ever live up to but this is how they have to see people in order to function. They have to be either all good or all bad. It's like a child. They can only think in extremes. They cannot bring together the positive and negative qualities of themselves or other people into a cohesive, realistic whole. You're either perfect or either completely flawed. And when they first met you, they saw you as being perfect. You were everything they had been looking for. You couldn't do anything wrong. If you look back, you may even remember situations where you did make a fault or mistake. And the narcissist wasn't really bothered. They didn't make a big deal out of it. But if you were to make that mistake now, it would be a completely different story because now they are devaluing you. They are seeing you as being completely flawed. They have to see you in this way because it's clear that there's something wrong in your relationship. You're not getting on. They have to see you in this way to function. If they considered your positive qualities and characteristics, it would only trigger them to reflect and have there's something wrong with them. They have to see you as all bad to see themselves as all good. And they look at it as though you've changed. As though you're different than when they first met you. When in reality, they idealized you. They saw you as this perfect person, a stand in an expectation that no one could live up to. Because we all have flaws. We all make mistakes. But this is something that the narcissist cannot tolerate because they engage in black or white thinking. They see things in extremes. They turn molehills into mountains. And they have to point out any little thing that you're doing wrong. With a real or imagined to take the focus off themselves. You will find that you spend most of your time focusing on what you're meant to be doing wrong. Rather than their behavior. Rather than how they're constantly putting you down. This is the game they play. They want to keep you questioning yourself and doubting your own abilities. Instead of looking at how they're constantly criticizing you and not bringing anything to the table. And yet, when you first met them, it seemed like you had so much in common. It seemed like you liked a lot of the same things and you agreed on everything. But this is just something the narcissist doesn't want you to figure out. How they only pretended to like what you like. They pretended to be on the same page. And even if you questioned and confronted them on this, it wouldn't solve anything. They would gas like you and tell you that they told you they didn't like something or they would shift the blame onto you and say that you changed. They're not going to come out and say that they married you and presented a false character to you. Narcissists only focus and get what they want. And they're not going to entertain anything that might be an obstacle to that. But they will exploit you and lie to you. Whatever it takes, if it means that they can get their needs met and when you question or confront them about it, they'll just deny it. They'll act like it never happened or they'll say that it's your fault but they're never going to own up to anything that they've done. There's always someone to blame. There's always something that someone else should have done when really they manipulated you. They took advantage of you. They made you believe in something that wasn't even real, just so they could get something out of you. And even though in the end they may get what they wanted from you, they're still going to lie about everything that happened up until that point. They framed you. It was a setup. They planted false evidence and witnesses. They tampered with the true evidence and made it appear as though you were to blame while they ran off with the goods and they knew exactly what they were doing the entire time. Thank you for watching. I hope this video resonated with you. Please like, comment, share and subscribe. Click the bell icon to receive notifications. For my future videos, check out the new Narc Survival website at www.narcsurvivor.co.uk Where you can read my blog posts, book coaching sessions and join our support forum. If you would like to donate, my PayPal link is in the video description. Coaching Inquiries. You can email me at coachingatnarcsurvivor.co.uk. Thank you for watching and I'll talk to you soon.