 Hi, how's everyone doing? Hello, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna address it immediately. Yes, my mother did have a sexual affair with a disco ball and I was the byproduct. My father was devastated, but it's okay. He's now happily married to a smoke machine. So, it's happy stories. Okay, I'm gonna address it immediately. It is ridiculous that I'm doing comedy in the Lewin Hall and I haven't graduated from this hall yet. So, everybody, I think we've got to change the vibe up a little bit. We've just got to, because you're not, in the next 20 minutes, you're not gonna learn a damn thing, all right? We can all relax, all right? Because I know our brains have been very much switched on. Ooh, let's get into the comfy seat because nothing's gonna happen here of importance. So, I want everybody on the count of three to take a big breath in, one, two, three. And a big breath out, one, two, three. Okay, we're gonna change the mood a little bit because I want us to sort of get into the vibe of a dingy, dirty comedy club so that the ghosts of this beautiful hall don't haunt me for the words I'm about to say. All right, so we're gonna do that because really, guys, I'm just a very, very attractive distraction for the next 20 minutes while the judges make their deliberation. Originally, actually, we were going to get a massive mirror, a huge mirror about the size of this stage so that you could be distracted by your own reflections. You know, just like a very complicated cockatiel in a cage situation, but we crunched the numbers and that is extremely expensive, extremely expensive. So, here I am. So, exciting. Undergrads, cheap labor, A-N-U, I'm gonna get kicked out. Okay, but I do want us to feel like this is a support group, okay, for the next 20 minutes. If you wanna laugh, because we don't have time limits now. I mean, we do, but like, they'll wait. So, if you wanna laugh, laugh. If you wanna cheer, you can cheer for me. If you wanna, thank you. Oh, what, stop it, no, me, no, stop it. Keep going, though. If you wanna cry, take that shit outside because it's bumming the rest of us out. I'm kidding, no, cry, cry. This is a big support group except I'm gonna be the only one who talks. No one's gonna hug each other and I will leave here tonight with a large sum of money. So, okay, I guess we'll just get started. We'll just get started. All right, so, as you can already see, I'm a very attractive, fat lady. Yes, we exist. Lizzo is our current head of state. If you haven't heard of her, look her up. But I've gone to the age of 26, guys. And my body's starting to betray me. It has really started to betray me because I'm in the generation and there was a generation before us where we were having kids later in life, right? We were sort of moving along. We were doing the things. We were sort of having babies later or not even having them at all. And I liked that because as you can tell, I have a little bit of growing up to do. I've gotta stop making very large sequin purchases before children come on the scene. But my body, evolutionary-wise, hasn't caught up. Hasn't. It's gotten really out of hand, guys. Every time I see a baby on the street, my uterus is just like, steal the baby! Woo! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Okay, not your baby, so leave it alone. Become a mummy blogger! All right, I think those things do more harm than good. I don't think we should, you know, be making motherhood into a comfort... Become an anti-vaxer! Okay! Woo! Lot going on. And I've started to... Guys, is this... I've started to dress to impress babies. Seriously. Not men, not women, not even myself! I am not dressing to get an hourglass figure. No, I am dressing for the moment that a baby will clock me on the street and just go, mm, I wanna put my little empanada legs on that perch! On that squidge, right there, right there. Look at the squidge, look at the cushion. It's too much. It's too much. And if you don't think babies look at you and think that, grow up. Grow the hell up, because they do, all right? I come from... I think the medical term is a big old titted family. And that means that my nieces and my nephews have very unrealistic expectations when it comes to women's bodies, okay? So I was holding my one-and-a-half-year-old niece, Maeve, love her very, very much. I was holding her, having a moment. And then suddenly she just lifts my shirt and lifts it out and looks down and looks back up and just goes, I was like, bitch! You don't have to tell me, Flat Earth Society's already given me a ring, all right? And that one gets you right here because that body-shaming is a whole new level. Because I can't be like to her, you know what, you've got your own issues and you're projecting them onto me, okay? So it's a real, she's one-and-a-half. She doesn't even know she has a body. Okay, so you know it's just the objective truth. It's a struggle. It is a struggle, guys. Also, just on family, do your parents gaslight you about your own childhood memories to make themselves seem like less shitty parents? This is not just me, right? Don't make me seem like I'm up here on my own. I mean, I am up here on my own, but you get the gist, all right? My mum's been doing this recently to me, right? I mean, she's been doing this my entire childhood, but she's really honed in in the last five years or so. And the constant one at the moment is, my mum's a smoker, right? It's like a witch's cottage on the edge of a cliff to sort of give a dramatic effect. Her smoking is constant and foreboding, all right? And she has smoked my entire life. So when I think of my mother, when I conjure an image, it's always her on these old leather couches, just sitting there, just... Laura? Laura, bargain hunts on. Yeah, bargain hunts on, yeah. Oh, Tim Wannacott, he can pull off a bow tie in a spectacle combo, can he? Yeah, chuck the kettle on, yeah. That should give you an idea of how Bogue in my childhood was, right? So when I was back home, we've adopted, my sharehouses adopted these couches, right? And so when I look at them, it's weird to not see my mother there just bargain hunt, right? And I was talking to her at a family gathering and I was telling her about this, because, you know, in my defence, family gatherings are when you get drunk and bring up grievances from 10 years ago and fight about them, right? Family bonding. And so we're talking about it. And she goes, Laura, I didn't smoke in the house. And I was like, yes, you did. And she was like, you know what, Laura? I'm sick of this. I'm sick of you making up these stories about how I'm the worst mother in the world. Well, excuse me, I'm sorry you got stuck with me. And I was like, excuse you, all right? You being the worst mother in the world is an entirely separate topic that I do not have the facilities here at a public prestigious speaking event to host with my three hour PowerPoint and interpretive dance. So let's get back to the main topic, which is you smoking. And we're going along and we're going back and forth and she goes, you know what, Laura? You were a child. How can you remember? And I was like, bitch, I was a child, not a head trauma victim. I have memories. I can remember things. This stone cold killer didn't flinch, didn't flinch. She just stuck to a story. She goes, I did not smoke in the vicinity of that house. And now, guys, I'm starting to doubt myself. Did I make this whole story up? Did I create this vivid conjuring of a memory towards my mother with the resentment in the background haunting me to make this idea cloud my reality? I mean, I was just a child. Maybe I turned a vivid dream into a concrete memory by constantly retelling myself. I mean, what is memory anyway? But just sensory expectations and experiences that we just keep retelling ourselves until it becomes seared within us. I mean, what is anything but the present now? I mean, we are just floating in an abstract pool of reality. What is reality? Is my memory any more important than a dream? Important that a core is important than the world we live in today or the present now? And as I'm sitting here, Dad chimes in and goes, Brenda, you smoked in the damn house. And I'm like, this bitch, too much. Thank you. I think my mother is watching this via live stream, so this is gonna be a conversation when we get home. But things are happening. I did just recently have a very exciting new part of my life happen. I just had a hip replacement. Plot twist, she's 60. Ah! And yes, I look fantastic. No, I did get a hip replacement. I'm Benjamin Buttney myself with moisturizer as we speak. If the routine goes to plan, I will be a baby in three months. But I know I did. I did have a hip replacement. And for those who are worried, very routine. Very, very routine procedure. It's like putting the washing out or burning down a post office to feel alive. It's a very Tuesday to do list sort of thing, you know? It's very routine. But there is something like, the most exciting thing that happens is you're given a roommate named Ethel and she is filthy. She is filthy. Her life, she's like 82 and her life is just a pornographic parody of Forrest Gump. I'm not joking. She was just grinding her way through moments in history. Just World War II, the assassination of JFK, the disappearance of Harold Holt. Where were you on 9-11? Because according to Ethel, she was on Tyrone. It's a lot. But there is one thing that does happen and I wanna talk to you guys about it because it will change you if you ever go through this. It changes you emotionally. It changes you physically. It changes you spiritually. I was put on hospital grade ketamine for seven days straight. Now, how do I explain this? Have you ever tried proper weed for the first time? And it's Canberra, so let's not lie to each other, okay? None of this like drier shit could have been cut with oregano in a glove box, proper hydro, made by some white hippy witch named Shay who had a proper dream just to get you high, okay? And if this doesn't apply to you, how would I put it? You know when you go down to the soda pop with Annie to get a soda pop and the bubbles go up your nose and then bad boy Johnny comes in with a reefer and then you smoke it because everyone smoked weed, guys. Everyone smoked weed, okay? It's Canberra. So you figure out that you level up on drugs, right? Well, with ketamine, I not only did that with narcotics but I did that with reality. Let me explain. When you start on the drugs, they give you a lot of like, how would I put it? Side effects. They say, okay, you go into field dizziness, nausea, you're gonna feel like a god. And the last one that they really hone in on is hallucinations. They say, look, if you start to see something, you have to tell us immediately if you think it's real or not. See something, say something. See something, say something. And I was like, yep. But in my head, I was like, nope. I was like, I'm here for seven days, bought a shit and want to make caramella koala. Find a vein, Susan! I was ready, I was ripe, make me into banana bread. So we begin. And guys, I saw some truly mystifying, weird, slightly arousing things, but it got very weird at the end. When I started to not so much hallucinate but feel people's spiritual energies. And if you didn't know, spiritual energies come in the form of 2D shapes. Weird concept, let me explain. So like, circle, rectangle, rhombus. Rhombus. Didn't think I'd see another one of you in my lifetime. So, not happy you're here. But the climax came, the real climax came, when I berated my beautiful nurse, Susan, for 20 minutes straight, because she was giving my roommate Ethel square oxygen when she should have been giving her circle oxygen because she's spiritually identified as a circle. And when I think about it now, it was a real bullshit triangle move by Susan. But guys, you can't come back from that. I mean, I can walk now, but at what cost? All right guys, that's all from me. Have a good night.