 Things Heat Up, as a movie based on a TV series, goes head-to-head with a soft sequel to that movie based on a TV series. It's 2000's Charlie's Angels vs. the 2019, whatever thing, on movie feuds. Near 2000, Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu, and Drew Barrymore were top of mind for movie goers everywhere and for those young boys who had a solid internet connection at home. These ladies would be filling in some pretty large stilettos as the film was based on a popular TV show featuring the likes of Farrah Fawcett, Jacqueline Smith, and Kate Jackson, amongst many others. The film, which hit about 20 years after the TV series run, featured our three new angels, Diaz as Natalie Cook, Liu as Alex Monday, and Barrymore as Dylan Sanders. The film introduces these unique personalities with a simple but effective way, with a good old-fashioned montage, which showcases their smarts, their skills, and of course their physical attributes. There is a good chunk of time dedicated to Cameron Diaz shaking her ass right at the audience, and she couldn't look happier, and neither could I. In contrast, 2019's angels are still incredibly attractive, but they don't strike me as the type that would have a slow-motion pillow fight just for the hell of it. They still have plenty of fun, though, especially Kristen Stewart as Sabina Wilson. Stewart has gotten herself a bit of a bad rap over the years in due because of the garbage twilight films. To me, it was a bit of a shock seeing her smile, laugh, joke, and just emoting in general. She was easily the strongest aspect of this new movie. I wasn't familiar with Ella Balinsky's previous work, I think she's still pretty fresh in the industry, but out of all the angels over the years, her character Jane really fits the mold of a badass spy. She towers over the other girls, and she's a believable force of nature in this line of work. Granted, believability isn't really what the audience is looking for out of these movies. It's Jasmine, Naomi Scott is the weakest of this new group, but she's so damn attractive that I'm willing to forgive her pathetic character. Much like Ocean's Eight, the 2019 Charlie's Angels pretends it's in the same universe as the previous installments by femme-splaining to the audience, that's a new word I'm making up, that there are multiple Bosleys, and not just one or two. This is a full-blown industry. All these different people that kind of handle the ladies and find the new recruits, they're all Bosleys. Bill Murray took on that role in the 2000 film Bernie Mac and the sequel, and Elizabeth Banks in the most recent version. Banks is her typical sharp, witty self, while Bill Murray is just doing his thing, at one point whittling a bar of soap into a gun for absolutely no reason at all. The original Charlie himself, actor John Forsythe, reprises his voice in 2000, and the new film naturally reveals, spoiler, that Charlie is a woman after all. He's just using a voice modulator to sound like a man. Welcome to Hollywood, everyone! Outside of the beautiful women, these flicks are also known for the cameos that show up. 2000 throws them out like candy every few minutes, it seems. Matthew LeBlanc, Tom Green, LL Cool J, Alex Trebek, and even Melissa McCarthy are present. Plus you have the villains, Tim Curry, Kelly Lynch, Sam Rockwell, and George McFly himself, Crispin Glover as the memorable thin man. This new sequel does its own take on the character with minimal effect, I just didn't care about this guy. Granted, we do get Patrick Stewart, which can go a very long way to class things up. Then again, he also voiced a literal piece of shit in the Emoji movie, so not even John Luke Picard can always save the day. Most of the cameos in 2019 are loaded into the credits, and judging by the box office number is only 8 people have seen this so far, so I'm going to avoid spoilers. I will just say they are very underwhelming. And speaking of underwhelming, let's head over to story. I just rewatched the 2000 Charlie's Angels film, and I have absolutely no idea what it was about. Director MCG, yes, that's what he goes by, shoots the entire picture like a Mountain Dew commercial. It has something to do with bad guys stealing voice ID spying software that threatens individual privacy. Could you imagine if this happened in real life? If corporate fat cats got their hands on this sort of tech, it would be bedlam. It'd be insane. They could spy on our every waking thought. They could listen in on private conversations. They could see order history and shopping patterns. They could track us wherever we go through some sort of a GPS. And then the biggest ruse of all would be if they could get the consumer to purchase it. So some sort of a device they could just set right in their own house that would be on 24-7 learning, adapting, yeah, that would be a grim future indeed. Which reminds me, Alexa, order me another Echo Dot for the basement. Thanks doll. The 2019 installment is a bit more bonkers. A giant company develops a new type of energy which contains a fatal bug. This fatal glitch emits an EMP burst which kills anybody in its range. Naturally the bad guy wants to weaponize this tech as all men do. Oh yes, I almost forgot, the new Charlie's Angels film is woke as the kids say. In Hollywood's latest attempt to educate audiences on how great women are, Charlie's Angels goes all in. You see, just simply having a bunch of awesome ladies kicking ass while looking great isn't enough anymore. Now you need to bluntly state the case. As this film does multiple times, that women aren't just great, but men are the worst. As dumb as a box of rocks as the old film was, at least it was just having fun. Really the goal of any Angels film is to get our leading ladies into situations where they look hot and execute ridiculous missions. And thankfully in that respect, there's no shortage in either. With around 23 wardrobe changes ranging from a slutty pit crew to a Swiss yodeling band, it's a little bit of something for everyone. There are a few memorable outfits in the new film as well, but nothing compares to the previous entries. Which is probably why 2019 leans so heavily into the nostalgia here, having the three ladies go into a closet of greatest hits wardrobes. Kristen Stewart as a jockey has moments and her workout ensemble is criminally underutilized. I've spent more time talking about the outfits than I have the plot, so that tells you where my priorities are in the right place. Let's head to production. Charlie's Angels 2000 is essentially the kids bop version of the Matrix and Mission Impossible slam jammed into one film. Everyone involved seems to realize this, which is why the whole affair is kind of enjoyable. It's like having a decent meal at McDonald's and then not going home and getting sick all night. So you chalk it up as a win. The runtime is around an hour and a half, but 20 minutes of that are probably slow motion. The director can't not use it in every scene. The bizarre part is there is some great fight choreography in this, but it's mostly ruined by the red bull approach to filmmaking. Since this thing is shot like it has an appointment it's late for, nothing sticks around more than a few minutes. There are roughly 70,000 songs in this. A lot of really awesome ones too, but Jesus, it's a bit out of control. MCG makes movies like I did in middle school. He picks all of his favorite songs and then tries to work scenes around them. The best thing to come out of this movie, besides Lucy Liu in general, is Destiny's Child's masterpiece, Independent Women. It's fire. It's pure, uncut, fire. Elizabeth Banks pulls a triple threat on this picture, writing, directing and acting in the thing. I'm not really a producer too, but I don't really know what producers do anymore outside of just tag their name onto things. I feel bad that the picture is bombing so hard because she's a truly talented individual. On the other hand, I'm sick of all these remakes, reboots, and supposed sequels that have been made lately, instead of doing something unique and original. From a production standpoint, Elizabeth Banks directs a mostly slick, yet uninspired picture. There are a few cool shots here and there, but for the most part it's just nothing special. Since I'm completely out of touch with music these days, it all just kind of sounded like Ariana Grande making sound effects in the background. The one thing I did like was that there was some scale to the agency this time. In the past, it seemed like a pretty rinky-dink operation with Charlie at the helm, Bosley, and then these three ladies, nothing else. The action isn't very noteworthy either. Sure, 2000 is nothing more than a nonsensical string of crouching tiger hidden b**** while you're foo, but at least it had style. Production in the Banks picture is lazy, close combat shaky cam that makes choreographers weep. Let's say goodbye to Charlie. As always, I pulled my audience on the YouTube community tab, and this one wasn't even close, Glenn. 2019 only picks up 20% of the votes, making 2000 the easy winner at 80%. And it's also quite possibly the only thing that movie has ever won. Thanks for watching, and remember, this is more than just reviews. This is Movie Feuds. And perhaps next time they decide to reboot the Angels, we can do an all-male version. Really spice things up. Get the three Chris's. Hemsworth, Evans, and Pratt. We could have Will Smith as Bosley, you know, because movies aren't about being good anymore, well-made pictures. They're about stunt castings.