RAY Ricketts Reviews back at ya! What movies are we doing today, Brenda? BRENDA None. Ain't in the mood. RAY Why? BRENDA I'm all upset about Herman Cain. RAY Herman Cain?? BRENDA Yes. RAY That's old news, honey. Why you upset about him? BRENDA He was my favorite. Now I don't have anyone to vote for. RAY What about Mitt Romney? BRENDA I'm not voting for anybody named after a baseball glove. It ain't presidential. RAY I think his real name is Willard. BRENDA Hell, that ain't leader-like. Less your leading a buncha rats.
RAY Well, we already had a president with that name. BRENDA Who? RAY Willard Fillmore. Beat. Brenda's heard the name, she's not impressed. RAY I don't know if he was Mormon or not. BRENDA Well, this Willard is. And I tell ya something... if Magic Underwear is his idea of national defence, we're in deep shit when we go up against the Russians. RAY You right about that. They got real long johns over there. Brenda looks at him. RAY Ok, Mitt's off the list. How about Bachmann? BRENDA Michele Bachmann? RAY Yeah. BRENDA She can't pick a husband. How's she gonna pick a cabinet? RAY She's a woman. BRENDA So is Snooki. That don't mean I'm voting for her for president. RAY You're right. Snooki wouldn't be too good on the budget. What about Huntsman? BRENDA Never heard of him. RAY He's the other one. BRENDA The other what? RAY (whispering) Mormon. BRENDA What are you whispering for? RAY I don't know. I thought maybe you didn't want me to say it out loud. BRENDA I don't give shit. Moving on. RAY Rick Perry? BRENDA Texan. We had eight years a that with bad results. Besides, Perry's got them beady eyes and I don't like a man with beady eyes. RAY Ron Paul? BRENDA Too old and crotchety. Don't believe in Social Security or Medicare. Hell, this is West Virginia. If he got in, the whole state'd be dead in six weeks! RAY (thinking) That's pretty much it, except for the one his name sounds like a nut house. BRENDA Rick Santorum? RAY Yeah. Brenda looks at him. RAY You know who else has got a funny name? Brenda doesn't bite. RAY John Boehner. BRENDA Speaker a the house, what's funny about that? RAY Because when you say it, you say 'Bayner', but when you spell it out, it says 'Boner'. His name is Boner. Brenda rolls her eyes. RAY Guy cries a lot. I guess if you were named after a dick, you might do that. BRENDA Moving on. RAY Hey, we forgot Newt. What about Newt? He's got the experience? BRENDA Not the kind I'm voting for. Two things I can't abide in a candidate: second wife and third wife. RAY I mean he's been there and done that... in Washington. BRENDA And in cars and parking lots, Ray. I ain't voting for anybody shares a name with a lizard. Specially one can't keep it in his pants. RAY What about Herman Cain? Even if he's out of the race, you gotta cross him off, too. BRENDA What in hell for? RAY For doing to those women what they said he did. BRENDA Lying Harlots... RAY What I heard was he made offers. BRENDA Offers... RAY Yep. Offered up his plan. BRENDA What plan? RAY His 999 plan. Brenda stares blankly. RAY He offered them 9 inches... for 9 minutes... at 9 o'clock in the morning. Trying to process it... BRENDA Nine o'clock in the morning?? RAY Oh, yeah. Any later than that, his flat plan would get too flat and you couldn't raise any Cain. Brenda shakes her head in disgust. BRENDA I got my skillet, Ray. It's sitting here right by the chair. I hope you know that. Ray looks over. It's there, alright. RAY Okay. That'll do it. The Republican Field. How many pigs do we give it? They hold them up and drop them. BOTH Not a one! BRENDA You don't wanna watch this election. RAY It's gonna be painful! (then) Well, that's it for today. BOTH We're Ricketts Reviews... And we'll see y'all at the Polls... And on the You Tube!! They wave goodbye. RAY And watch out for those "flying chads!"