 We invite you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard. I'm starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash, with Alan Reed as Miss Wally. Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America. He promised his mother that he would write and tell her about his adventures. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. Since I'm in America, I'm becoming more and more like a real American. But a Pasquale, my countryman, he's telling me nobody is a real 100% a 14-carat American unless he's a takeout of life insurance about it. But I'm going to understand about the life insurance. What for a man wants a life insurance when he's a no-get-to-paid until he's a die? I wasn't think he's a better to have a die insurance so you get a pay-to when you lie. But now I'm here more than a year and I'm realize how foolish I was. Life insurance is a very important. When a man dies, an insurance company is a give-as-a-wife enough for money so she can afford a new husband. Here in America, they got all kinds of insurance for people. There is a life insurance, a hospital insurance, accident insurance, a fire insurance. Mama me, no matter what the trouble happens to the American, he must get the rich. Maybe Pasquale's right, I should have a life insurance policy. Well, I'm going to go to my night school to class now and ask my teacher Miss Pauling what is she's a takeout. Quiet class, quiet, all right, let's come to attention. Now I'll call the roll. Mr. Basco. Here. Mr. Harwood. Here. Mr. Olson. Here. Mr. Schultz. Here. Ms. Party. Here. I love that. I figure as long as you are calling the roll, let's go wholeheartedly. Thank you, fellow boobers. Now class, let's get on with our history lesson. We'll begin with famous rivers. Now who can tell me the discoverer of the Hudson? Anybody? I know Miss Pauling. I know Miss Pauling. I know Miss Pauling. I know Miss Pauling. You know what? We all know Miss Pauling but we don't make such a fuss about it. We've got a show off. Disregard him, Mr. Olson. Please give us the answer. There's a pleasure, Miss Pauling. Henry Hudson discovered the Hudson River. Good. Now will somebody tell me when the Hudson was discovered? Mr. Basco? 1949. Oh no. Where did you get that idea? I may hear everybody talk about a 1949 Hudson. The correct answer is Henry Hudson discovered the Hudson River in 1619. That's excellent, Mr. Olson. Quick as a flash. Yeah, he's a real jerk in the box. Mr. Schultz. Now Mr. Basco, I'll give you a chance to redeem yourself. A very simple question. Who discovered America? Columbus. What year? 1942. How many ships? Three. What were their names? Remember, she's giving him the third degree for something Columbus Day. The show's forgotten into you today. I don't know. It must be the Jekyll coming out of my hide. Mr. Basco, why couldn't you answer that simple question? Did Mr. Schultz confuse you? Oh no, Mr. Pauling. I was thinking about something else. Pasquale tells me every good American has got a life insurance policy. Is that the true? True. True is the day you're born. LaVigia fellas got to have insurance to protect his family. That's right, Mr. Basco. Life insurance is very important. Yeah, I carry $10,000 insurance, LaVigia. My wife collects all that money if something happens to me and I go. Well, what are you waiting for? Go! Mr. Schultz, I've got a family here in America. I'm adjusting to my mom in Italy. Well, LaVigia, you don't need such a big policy. Take out for a thousand, two thousand maybe. Yes, and you make your mother the beneficiary. That means that she collects the money. Well, this policy, is it going to cost me a lot of money? No, no, no, LaVigia. I just took mine out. Your policy, they shouldn't cost more than $30 or $40. Oh, well, thank you, class, for this information. I think I'm going to let the Pasquale help me take out a policy. That's right, LaVigia. Yeah, and do it now. Like we say when we are making hamburgers, don't put off for tomorrow what you can shop in today. LaVigia, my friend. I love LaVigia, I love, I love. I love Pasquale. LaVigia, I wanted you to meet Mr. Bighton, my insurance man. He's the older friend of the family. Mr. Bighton, this is the fella I was telling you about. He's the older friend of the family. Mr. Bighton, this is the fella I was telling you about. Mr. Bighton, this is the fella I was telling you about, the Luigi Basko. Ah, it's a great pleasure to meet you, Mr. Basko. I handle all of Mr. Pasquale's insurance, health, life, accent, auto, fire, burglary. Pasquale, what before you want to show a burglary? You see, Mr. Bighton is like I tell you, he's nothing about insurance. Yes. Well, that's what I'm here for, to clear up any questions you may have. Now, Mr. Basko, I want you to know that my life insurance company ensures only the highest types of risks, what we call class A. Now, from what Mr. Pasquale has told me about you, I think we can put you in that category. See, Luigi, I'm a big shot see with these people. Thank you, Mr. Pasquale. And a thank you, Mr. Bighton. Quite all right. Have a cigar. No thanks, I'm a no smoke. Take, Luigi, take. While you're still alive, take everything. Well, all right. Lied? Thank you. By the way, I got this lighter as a gift from my company. Sold $100,000 worth of life insurance, 1943. Well, that's a very... Nice. Luigi, don't die yet. Wait until you sigh. Yes, those 15 cents in Port of Levanas are pretty strong. Now, Mr. Basko, if you don't mind, I'd like to get a little idea of what you were thinking about in the line of insurance. Well, my friends are advising me I should take out $1,000 policy. What's the matter, Mr. Bighton? You're not the smoke and the cigar. Luigi, you insulted Mr. Bighton. He's a high class insurance man. You're talking with a cheaper $1,000 policy. Maybe you'd better explain it to him, Mr. Bighton. Glad to. Now, Mr. Basko, there's nothing really complicated about it. Take the cheapest kind. For instance, term life insurance. You pay for a certain number of years. The premium is very small, but, of course, if you're alive at the end of that time, you get nothing back from the company. You mean that the company's angry with me because I'm a still-levener? No, the company likes you. The company wants you to live long. The longer, the better. Oh, thank you, Mr. Bighton. Thank you, Mr. Basko. Thank you, Mr. Bighton. And a good health to you, too, Mr. Bighton. Thank you, Mr. Basko. Thank you, Mr. Basko. Thank you, Mr. Bighton. And a good health to you, too, Mr. Basko. Thank you, Mr. Luigi. Thank you, Mr. Basko. This is a cigar. It's making me feel pretty good. A little dizzy. Mr. Basko, how's about us some beer? That's a nice, slow-brewed acme. Thank you, Mr. Basko. Thank you, Mr. Bighton. Oh, don't thank me. Thank you, Mr. Basko. Thank you, Mr. Luigi. Mr. Luigi, stop the coughing like that. You're making Mr. Bighton a nervous. Yeah, that's quite all right. Now, term insurance, Mr. Basko, has its advantages, but it is a rather limited kind of policy. Rather more in line with your needs would be the Ordinary Life, or Straight Life Plan, which gives the advantages of full protection without the expensive burden of high premiums associated with a limited payment or endowment type of insurance program. You understand that? Huh? You've got to talk as slow to him, Mr. Bighton. He's a far and a born alien. He doesn't know how to stand. I've got to explain to him. You see, Luigi, there's four kinds of insurance, but they all got one thing in common. You've got to die at the end. Well, uh... Not exactly, Mr. Basko. What do you mean exactly? You've got a new type of policy that'll pay a man when he's a half-dead? No, no, Mr. Basko. However, the sincerity behind your questions makes me wonder how a man of your caliber can be satisfied with a mere $1,000 policy. Well, uh... $2,000? $2,000? A big business, a man like you has got to have a $5,000 or $10,000. What do you think, Mr. Bighton? Let me light your cigar again, Mr. Basko. Now the insurance I have in mind for you is one which combines the best elements of saving, security, and... Luigi, I'm certainly proud of you. You are a really big business, a man. Thank you, Mr. Bighton. Hey, that's Mr. Bighton. He's a very nice man. Imagine, he's gonna give me two cigars for nothing. Well, it's not every day you meet a man like you who's gonna take out a $50,000 policy. I'ma got you to thank Mr. Bighton. He'll give me such a good recommendation. It's all right, Luigi. Uh, by the way, you know how much of the premium is it gonna cost you on this policy? Well, I didn't ask. But all soon as you tell me, in the class, it's about $30, $40 a year. $30, $40 a year? Uh-huh. Sit down, a little punk in the head. I've got a news for you. News? The premium on your policy is close to $2,000 a year. $2,000? I'ma not gonna pay this money. That's impossible. You gotta pay. You signed a contract with insurance. The companies are like a marriage contract. What do you say? What they can do to me if I'm gonna pay? Companies sue you for non-support. And worse than that, when you signed the papers, was a carbon in the back is a mean of two copies. So what if it was a two copies? Luigi, you're guilty of a double indemnity. Come on, my man. Pascuale, why are you letting me take out of such a big policy? Luigi, once some milk is a spelt, there's no trying to push it back in the bottle. Luigi, what would you say if I was to tell you the name of a place that would give you all of the money to pay off your insurance previously? Pascuale, what's the name of this place? The Rosa Finance Company. Nothing at all. I'ma not gonna marry a finance company. I'm asking you to marry my daughter, Rosa. She's a bigger than a finance company. You're stupid. You're a green-hawned boob. I didn't want to tell you this, but you know what you started, you signed your mom as a name, as a beneficiary? What? Well, when she's gonna pay that amount, he is ascent her across the ocean, eh? That's a violation of the Atlantic Charter. Pascuale, wait. How am I gonna tell him to stop with the insurance? It's too late. Don't you know what it's mean when an immigrant does a stop at his insurance? They export you. Why? Because the Congress has spent all these years making a fire and a policy, and are you cancelers? Of course not. All right. Then what's to happen? Right away, Washington is a call its ambassador in Italy. He's a pack-up with a little briefcase. Italy is a beg-of-the-stay. He's a say, no, that's the end of the marshal of plans. Pascuale, all of this is because I'ma take out an insurance policy. That's all right. Are you traitor? Traitor. Pascuale, what's gonna happen to me? Everything. Besides that, when you get your citizenship papers, FBI is gonna stamp on the bottom. Traitor can't get a library card. Luigi, my fellow pooper. Well, how did you make it out with insurance? Schultz, I'ma just to take out a policy for a $50,000. $50,000? Him and who's gonna pay it? Is Rita Haverz gonna introduce you to the Alicanza store? Schultz, sir. Schultz, the place is an attempted joke. Pascuale is gonna tell me how much an insurance is it gonna cost. He's gonna tell insurance a man I'm a bigger man. And insurance a man is gonna give me a cigar, so I'ma sit there and I'ma end up with a bigger policy. Oh, that scheming Pascuale. Like, always he's got you all for shimmel. Luigi, why, why, why do you listen to everything Pascuale does? I'ma no listen. You're always believing that big faker. You believed him once when he told you lifesavers had holes in the middle so the tongue could have a place to rest between legs. Schultz, and you believed him when he told you he could get you a jar of Milani's 1890 French dressing for 1885. No, Luigi, you better stop taking short haircuts. I think the barber is snipping off your brains. I wish I knew what kind of a contract you signed so I could maybe help you out of it. I should, sir, I'ma feel it terrible. Now I'ma gotta go to the insurance doctor for the examination. The doctor? The doctor? The doctor raised Luigi into my head. An idea just pooped. What is yours? Luigi, Luigi, no matter, no matter what kind of policy you signed for, if you fail the doctor's examination, then they don't want you. But, Schultz, you mean I should tell the doctor I'ma sick? Sure, sure, and I got a wonderful way to convince the doctor. How? When you go into his office, walk in lying down. But, Schultz, so what I can say to the doctor to make him think I'ma sick? You don't know what to say? Stop any fella on the street and ask him what he told his draft board. Come on, on the way down, I'm gonna coach. Thanks, Schultz. Oh, he's all the way the trouble. Oh, no, what, Luigi, be like me. Smile! Everybody's got trouble. You know what they say, don't you? Everything in life meets with disaster. Today's blue jay is tomorrow's corn plaster. Oh, my rheumatism is killing me. Don't be nervous. Whatever the doctor asks you for diseases, you got it. Schultz, I'ma never tell a lie. This time you gotta tell a lie. Besides, you ain't lying. I'm not remembering what I told you. Right, Schultz? And if you act a little crazy, that don't hurt either. Please, please, let me hear you cough. No, Luigi, you are coughing too healthily. Put a little hack into it. All right, Mr. Basko, doctor will see you now. How do you do, Mr. Basko? Hello, doctor. Sounds like a nasty cough. Have you always coughed like that? No, only when I'm a breathing. I woke up in this weather, it's quite garbage. I woke up this morning with a lulu myself. Listen to this. It then again coughing and sneezing may be due to an allergy like hay fever. That's what I'ma got there. You have hay fever? Sure, every time I'ma eat the hay I'ma get a fever. Mr. Basko, you're a charm. Now, if you don't mind, I'll fill out this insurance form while I examine you. Doctor, there's no use to examine it. Believe in me, I'm a sick man. Now, let doctor find out for himself. You stick out your tongue. After you? Of course. Oh, now, I'ma got too much respect for the doctor. Oh, come now. Let's have your tongue. How am I going to take it off? Just open your mouth. That's right. Doctor, what are you looking for? That's so bad. Well, we look to see if your tongue has a coat. Oh, doctor, my tongue has always got a coat, but I'ma take it off for the summer. Well, the tongue looks fine. It does? Yes. Now, let's listen to the old ticker. I'm sorry, doctor, you can't. Why not? I'ma leave my watch at home. Yeah, just pull off your shirt and I'll apply the stethoscope. Oh, he's a tickler. Perfect, perfect. Why, I'd insure that hard for a million dollars. Now, how are your lungs and liver? I'm going to eat that, doctor. I'ma rather have a lamb chop. Oh, you big executives are great kidders. How's your blood pressure? Very high, doctor, very high. Really? Yesterday I was in a gas station and I had a 50 pounds in my right arm. Yeah. Ever have neuralgia? Oh, no, doctor. Well, that's good. I'ma still suffer from a diolgalgia. And, uh, how about varicose vein? Oh, yes, sir, doctor. My veins are very close. Hey, look, are you fooling or do you mean it? I'ma try to tell you, doctor. I'm a very sick man. Well, let me test your hearing and stand back there and turn around. Now, uh, do you hear this sound? Is that the sound? Yeah. I'ma not hear it. How about this one? No, no, I hear it, king. Then how about this? I'ma not hear it. Doctor, I'ma not hear it. Well, you'll have to shout louder. That whistle almost blew my brains out. Doctor, I'ma tell you. There's no use of doing this on me. Yes, yes. Well, I'll be the judge of that. Have you ever had any surgery? What, a re? Surgery. Operations. Ever had your appendix out? Oh, yes. When I was a little boy, I'ma have my appendix out and my tonsils out and my adenoids out and I'ma go all the bladder out. All that? That's right, doctor. I was the emptiest kid on the block. Eh, Mr. Basko, did you ever hear of a hypochondriac? I'ma have that taken out too, doctor. Mr. Basko, I happen to think you're one of the healthiest specimens I've seen in a long time, but it may be that you're suffering from hallucination. That's right, doctor. Everything in me is a loose. Now look, let me do the talking. Lie down. What a doctor. Lie down and stick out your arm. I just want to take a specimen of your blood. Yeah. Then I'll tie this around your arm. Oh! Air must stop a closer scatter to faces of pale eyes of bloodshot. Or you look bad enough to be on the television. Mr. Basko, I don't make you fun. I was a just thinker as I'm gonna buy an assurance to doctor. First to his a bang on my nose with a hammer. Then he's a sticker printer's enemy. He's a take out of some of blood to put a drops into my eyes. He's a shoot the water into my ears. When he's a get through it to me, then I'ma really need a doctor. Luigi, all of the doctors are there the same way? Not to this, Dr. Baskoale. He's a tell me he used to give physicals into the army. That's a terrible... What's the part of all of Baskoale? The doctor is a pronounce me living. I'm a pastor policy. Now I'm gonna have to pay for it. Luigi, you're trapped. There's a no doubts about it. Only way out of for you is to make a successful marriage. Baskoale. Don't talk, I accept your proposal. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! Come here, my little pussy willow. Hello to Luigi. Wonderful a couple of together. You're gonna be happy like a two little lovebirds. Rosa, what do you say to your little lovebirds? The insurance and troubles is all over. I've been so happy. So Mr. Baskoale. Well, am I insurance a man? Mr. Baskoale, I've got something to tell you. And I've got something to tell you. I'm gonna have the pleasure of being with these young fellows of previous. What? Yes, he's coming into my family, marrying my daughter. He's gonna be my son-in-law. Stop, stop, I've heard enough. Mr. Baskoale, I'm an old friend of the family. Don't let this man marry your daughter. What? I looked him up and he's an imposter. Mr. Baskoale's got you believing he's a successful businessman, like you told me, but he's broke, he's a bum. Yeah, wait. I won't stay here one minute with him. I'm an old friend of the family, so I canceled the policy. But... Cost you nothing. Bye, Mr. Baskoale. What's to happen? Mr. Baskoale, Luigi, where are you going? Back into my sofa, squally. I'm gonna lie down after the examination. But Luigi, what about Rosa? I was gonna pay you premium. Maybe you're gonna get married? No, Papa. I don't want to be your son. Just to take on me as an old friend of the family. Life with Luigi is a Sy Howard production, and is written by Mac Benhoff and Lou Dermanin, directed by Mac Benhoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basko with Alan Reed as Pasquale. Hans Conrader Schultz, Mary Shipp as Miss Balding, and Jody Gilbert as Rosa. Music is under the direction of Lynn Murray.