 Good day my lovely listeners, you are listening to the 40 Autie podcast tune in every week to explore inspiring stories and Insightful information that dive headfirst into the world of autism and mental health With all those tantalizing tongue twisters out of the way. Let's get into the show Hello everybody and welcome back to another episode of the 40 Autie podcast It has been a long time my friends, and I'm sorry that I have not been uploading to my little podcast stream as usual For anybody who's joining me for the first time. My name is Thomas Henley from the Asperger's growth channel I make videos on autism and mental health and Today we are doing a podcast on autism at Christmas time I am joined with a very popular and very cool social media influencer adults Adult autistic But you may call her Tyler yeah, that's cool How are you doing? I'm all right. Thanks. How are you? pretty good still Recharging from the the Christmas experience It has been a little bit stressy over these Christmas times, you know having to go about and Meet taught to family and constantly be surrounded by people. Absolutely mad one. What did you go up to over Christmas? It mostly just preparing for Christmas day and a little bit of Christmas party with my family My Nana is currently at home Because she has dementia and she we've just said we decided this year to bring her back Back home, and I sort of watched watched over her for the day and she was she did a lot better than I thought and So that made me very happy, but Yeah, what did you go up to? I went around to my nana's for Christmas dinner and then I Just chilled with the fun then got dropped back here had work to do the next day. So Wasn't really like a massive break for me Straight back into work. Yeah, fully I'm a special needs teacher. So I have I can wait until January. Oh, that seems to be a nice break Yeah, no, I've been in any day. That's not a bank holiday. Oh A lot of them love work to do them Yeah, I bet Okay, so Do you want to give everybody a little bit of an introduction into who you are in your channel? Not your channel your Instagram page. Yeah, no worries. So I'm Tyler. I'm 22 from Manchester in the UK. I recently I say recently was like six months ago now graduated uni Um What else do I do? So basically I started what is now adult and autistic because as I was coming to the end of my final year of uni I was doing my decision in social media because that's kind of what I have like a massive interest in community building and just the power of social Media and also the damages that it can cause but I wanted to Get into blogging in general because I liked it but then I also wanted to not just put out a Load of trash content and just be under the person posting for the sake of posting There is a lot of power in social media And I wanted to use it to address what I saw as a need because when I was finishing my final year of uni and Transitioning to like finding a flat finding a job like how do you add all water bills? Like how do you sell like all these questions? I'm just like mate. I've got no idea and also jobs and interviews and all this stuff so That's where adult and autistic came from I Started the Instagram account at first on the back of my personal blog which I'd put up a couple of posts on about But kind of myself and just rambling and not ranting but just like chatting a bit and talking about my experience in like educate in the education system Silly me. I deleted my blog and delete all those posts, but They went down quite well, but the ones that banged Were the ones that talked about autism and then obviously with my own struggles I decided to bring the two together and started out as an autistic the aim of it at the minute is to just Generate conversation around autism for people who are like in that I should be an adult But I don't know how kind of phase so when yeah, yeah So anyone who's probably from like I don't 16 to 18 all the way up until like 30 Like I can't relate to the troubles that a 30 year old has like you probably have a mortgage I can just about make my rent at the minute. So Anyone who can apply like see my content and it applies to them or they can see themselves in it somehow And then that's who it's for really So you sort of giving people Some someone relatable and someone who's trying to sort it out and yeah fully like there are a load of like think back to YouTube in like two thousand other let's do it. Let's do a decade jump back 2009 it's that they're watching Alfie Days and Zoella and all them lot and it's like that's cool But like I can just about leave my house. So how am I supposed to imagine myself living this amazing life in Brighton like? To where is I like to think I'm more relatable to some people especially those who are autistic because I'm autistic and I'm still trying to not live a normal life Because it's obviously like in my opinion know such things are normal life But just try and live my best life and I do want to be social But it's just a case of like finding the ways to be social I do want to have a job, but it's not about finding the right job for me given Autistic traits and like all these little things and I've also got like a massive interest in productivity and Like my develop type content and like I just love that kind of stuff So again marry in that with be an autistic and just living life It's kind of what I'm trying to do at the minute and then I want to create more autistic safe spaces So literally like the legit in-person meet-ups not just online Get to connect with all the people who are going through the things that you are and obviously my thought process at the minute is that because You know that you're going to meet another like a whole bunch of people who have had the same challenges to get out of the house As you have that you're just gonna be a lot more willing to attend Yeah, definitely, and I think there there is a lot of lack in the In the amount of like services and the support available for Any anybody with Asper just anybody with like typically high-functioning autism There isn't much Post-16 like yeah, fully like at all especially uni like it's really difficult I found out towards the end of my time at uni that there is actually a service in my university for autistic two students but Again, it's the whole thing. I because I met up with a lady. It's funny and on My second to last day for uni I met up with the woman who runs a service and told her about the whole plan I had for Adelson Autistic She was like totally on board really loved it And she's like I'm surprised I haven't met you before but given the way you communicate and even the way you emailed me I can tell that the service wouldn't have been right for you. I was like, well, then who is it right for and where am I supposed to? Like I just it's like when when you are what they would say is high-functioning you fall into this gap of We know you're not neurotypical But you can kind of get by yeah, but you're not diverse enough for us to really care enough And it's like I completely get the NHS is strapped and there's not enough funding And that's why I think peer-to-peer support and making use of so like social media and that all the opportunities We've got now like podcasting YouTube and like Instagram like think of there are all these influencers that can help or online experts for like everything at the minute like and that type of Approach can be applied to like filling the gap that there is in services for autistic people Yeah, definitely, and I think you know kind of coming on and and having a chat about these issues does does a lot to raise awareness for them and by raising awareness the the You know the sort of the myth around autism there's all the myths and stuff are dispelled and When is like who do you think benefits when awareness is raised? I think What the what one of the problems is is that people don't really understand That there are a lot of autistic people struggling. I think a lot of people group the fact that they are autistic into the reason why they're struggling rather than The Support that's put in place or the mental health and Isolation and bullying that inevitably comes along with it in a lot of cases and it it can be I Think I think it'd be quite it could be quite beneficial to give people a more personal angle so that they understand that Just because we are our autistic, you know, it doesn't mean that we Are having a worse life. It just means that we need some some help in adjusting to A society that really isn't built for us. Yeah, right that why is it like I think My issue with the word awareness is that like once you've raised awareness what then because like yeah take take rent Like extreme example, but take grandfile Like everyone was aware of the failings of like that cladding should not have been on that building But then just look at what happened in Bolton the other day Like a uni with the exact same cladding on it that everyone was aware is like flammable and problematic The exact same cladding also went up in fire. So like awareness means nothing if action is not taken Yeah, I do completely agree with that is I think one of the difficulties is trying to find a way of Get get getting that awareness into action. Like I think There is there is a lot of difficulty in approaching things like that because you know, like I think even even with all of the like Companies and organizations that try and push for things some sometimes there needs to be sort of a mass support of certain ideals and there needs to be a focus on autism so that Actions can be raised and sort of criticisms of policies and Support systems can be you know put out there and It's it is a very difficult thing and I honestly it's really hard to know What way to take it but you know, hopefully just Trying to to push for things and trying to get in contact with Organizations and try to put your messages out as much as possible is the best way of doing that Yes, it's one way No one really knows what the best way the most efficient way is but yeah, it's definitely one way it can happen so Yeah, so we talked a little bit about Why you've chosen to be an influencer and what drives you What do you believe are the main reasons why Autistic individuals struggle with mental health like because it is it is a really big issue in the autistic community I definitely like they're all the I mean, I don't know if they're tough my head But there are how the stats out there that you can go easily you all but I'd say one of the reasons you struggle with mental health is because well Two reasons I can think of like immediately Processing emotions is hard enough as it is by time you realize that you're sad you depressed and That then what do you do? So I guess like the a of that would be processing emotions and then the point being leading on to that is CBT doesn't actually fit for a lot of us because it's not for me personally like it's not logical enough Like there's a lot of what why is and there's only so many why is a therapist is willing to hear There's only so many why is like a counselor will hear until they're like right. I've got to go and see someone else I've only got an hour with me today So that'd be one thing a solution to that for me, I've really taken to stoicism and Just a different mindset and stoicism is quite linked to CBT but so cognitive behavioral therapy, but it It's I don't know. There's something that I can relate to a bit more with that. It's a bit more logical. It's I've known that like all the successful Roman like emperors like they used it like and it's It's a lot less wishy-washy to me then Someone trying to like someone's that they're trying to understand me and tell me how I should live my life And so then another thing is just jet like a lot of the causes of depression are also like traits and Like traits of being autistic or not traits, but just like something that all autistic people experience a lot So like you mentioned before loneliness feelings of isolation Not being able to connect and communicate well with others if you don't have anything in your life That's like stimulating or interesting to you obviously quite a few of us have What people call special interests? I just like to call them hobbies because that's really what they are, but Which is very good at them or I have a really good Some people nor a typical people are really good at their hobbies like I just don't think there's a need for a word that says we have hobbies Mm-hmm, because what does special what like to you what does special interest mean? Well, it is I think like it's characterizes abnormal fixation on why it's abnormal though like if say if I came to you and I had And really good in-depth knowledge about how to make I don't know protein powder Yeah and I then Launched a product That sold millions no one would then come along and say oh she had a special interest I Do I completely get I completely get that I think it's just um I get I get the way of Explaining it for parents just so that they don't feel I completely get that it can offer comfort to some artistic people like when someone comes up to you like oh My god, why do you care so much about this? And it's like I bet you know the lives of the Kardashians inside out Let me sit here with my let's use a stereotypical example. Let me sit here with my trains like It's not that deep Everyone has a hobby. It just so happens that we go all in with ours And just because we can commit to something in a way that you can't don't give it a label Just it makes you feel better about it. I that's just oh, that's just one thing that gets like terminology It's just unnecessary sometimes and I think that when we start using terminology that Different to the rest of society it then creates this other ring and Yeah, we are different But when you look down to the root cause of what a special interest is it's just a hobby But that's the original question on depression Yeah, so a lot of the trait the things that autistic experiences autistic people describe having are also general Symptoms of depression even anxiety like overthinking It's just a thing that we naturally do like if you give me an exam question I will think about the five different ways you could have meant that because I don't play your language game. So, yeah What was I saying? Yeah, I don't like don't play your language game. So then that that leads to overthinking in that sense translates to other areas of your life and just makes your own curves again another symptom of depression is having a poor diet and Not saying that all autistic people have poor diets But just we have food preferences and if the only thing you eat are the things that you prefer that aren't necessarily the most Nutritious doesn't or they could be nutritious But if you're just eating the same thing you're not getting a wide variety of everything that you need to function You need to find other ways to make your diet one that you can, you know Thrive off like and there are so many little things that go into living a good or balanced life and It just takes one of those things to be off for us to focus on them Stuck on them and fix on them and obsess over them That it's not surprising that we end up with like higher rates of other mental health issues So you're So you highlighted like something to do the you know CBT Yeah So I in my youth in my youth in the old days I used to I think I did CBD CBT for about five six years I honestly just I found it absolutely useless As you said we need like a logical Because we need like a logical explanation and here I've got this person trying to give me coping mechanism was your Counselor therapist whatever the call I don't actually know were they expected the specializing awesome No, because yeah Really just isn't anybody There we can find that But that does that kind of thing and even if they do it would be private and would have to travel somewhere like London or something exactly But yeah, I found it very difficult and You know as you said you highlighted the thing about was it so stoicism. Yeah What is that like so to my very limited knowledge it is a Philosophical I don't know. I don't I don't think so it's isn't itself's Philosophical concept, but it's something within the area of philosophy and it's just about the way you approach Life in general So like Seneca is one of the big stoics. I think there's another there's like a couple of them and The general vibe is let me try and find the post that I made that like Resonated with me It's just very much Internal Look at you like control what you could control and make the best of anything outside of your control type thing. Yes so when it comes to waking up in the morning you got a bed and It's raining outside You do not control the weather and that weather has very limited impact on your day really like do you not have a coat and an umbrella? Like you can prepare for that. There's no sir in I kind of feel like in my head now There's no such thing as bad weather It's rain Rain is good for some people and if you plan to be outside all day prepare for that You can't control the weather. So plan for good for plan for what people call good or bad weather and and so it's like sort of Trying to take take taking control of things that you are able to deal with. Yeah, and then anything beyond that I'm just trying to leave it In terms of communicating with other people as well like I But I often find that my tone isn't appropriate for what I'm saying So like My nan told my girlfriend. It does. Yeah Even my friends I have to tell them like listen to what I'm saying not how I'm saying it. Yeah, um so when like the other day my nan told me that my Step-granddad had like fallen down the stairs and I was like, oh, that's a shame and she's like Oh Tyler, that's not very nice. I was like, what do you mean? She's like you've been sarcastic. I wasn't being sarcastic I wasn't being sarcastic. She's like that was I feel your pain. That was a very nice thing to say and I was like, well, what would you have wrong for me said and she's like Well, you should have said oh, oh, that's a shame Why am I putting all that fake pretence at the start of the year and like the words are the same and I know at My core I am a nice person So anything I then say no matter how it's said is said with the intention of Like at the core being a nice person. So however you take it that's on you. What I say is what I meant And that's something that I've taken Obviously, there are certain times when you can't be that black and white and you can't say well I said what I meant and that's how it is because there are times when it'll work in your favor to essentially play the game So like if you go into a job interview and you're just sat there Monetoned to people who don't understand you don't know you well enough yet to know that how you communicate Just mirror them. I mean, that's what I do not saying other people should but If it gets you where you need to be and get you what you know And then just do it and then later on take the time to explain what you need like even the way I present myself online There are because I do also want neurotypicals to see my content and think oh She's Autistic I and then look further. I don't present in the same way although autistic people choose to present themselves online I present myself in the way I choose to but also there are similarities in the way to other neurotypical people present themselves online, and I'm not trying to shy away from that Mm-hmm. So you're just presenting you I am yeah, I'm just presenting me but then there is because I am on Like one end of the of the spectrum. There are people who are at the other end who Can't relate to me or think that I'm not worthy or not the right person to Speak on autism and it's like well if I'm not the right person for you Then that's it. I'm not right for you But there are other people who I'll be right for and even if I'm not right for anyone I'm right for myself and that's all I can control like I'm not doing this to I'm not doing this for the sake of it I have an intention behind it and my intention is to create these autistic safe spaces and How I get I obviously want to get there being as true to me as possible and I know I know my goal and I know what what my like what my intentions are So I'm going to keep going and until it doesn't work So so yeah What God I'm just trying to think this is definitely gonna be edited out Maybe no, I'm gonna leave it and let people see my struggles I did that in a couple of my episodes. There was one that I put in the first two I'd edited But it took me forever because I I'd done them after work when I was burnt out and Just I had questions pre-written But even reading was a challenge and then I was stumbling over my words So I'd edited the first two and I was like, you know what third one I'm just gonna put it up and I explained it like I think I explained at the beginning that I'm a mumbling today and you can hear what I'm saying, but I'm just repeating myself I don't just tripping over my words, but this is life like this is the only time I could fit in the recording and You probably experienced the same things at the end of your day, and I just rolled with it like But yeah Would So to talk about Christmas and festivities Are there any like Outstanding problems that you that you see the Autistic struggle with in festive times or holidays or Christmas individually. It's just so loud like It's like not unnecessary because some people like it and I right it sounds mad when I say this because I Go to like massive warehouse Techno raves and I organize events and I go to nightclubs I used to work in nightclubs like when I say loud It's just a different kind of loud like Lots of different noises Different noises loads and also this like Expectation that you need to do something with someone just because it's Christmas like any other month of the year You don't want to talk to me to leave me alone in December as well It just does not make sense So you don't you don't conscribe to the whole social norm constructed Idea of a holiday. I know I agree to the I get the idea of the whole day I am actually like Catholic so the whole Christmas side of Christmas. I back that my issue is Like I also like the coming together of family and like the doing things together, but it's because to some extent it's the commercialization of that so That with the whole again leaking back to intention if the whole point of us going out for this meal is to spend time together Then why can't we just go round to someone's house order food in in a setting where I'll be more comfortable where we'll spend less money and Everyone can just you know Relax and just fully be themselves rather than have to like sit up proper and not talk too loudly And God forbid you laugh too loudly because another table over there or look over like and It's just this whole and oh and then you've got see this sound This is gonna sound a bit funny because I do use Instagram and I do post What someone say a lot on social media, but yeah, I can spend time with you and do something with you and Do you not show that online? Like did you did you know that are you aware like? You put your Instagram story away. Do you want to be here with me? Do you want to be here with your followers because? You just want to show people that you with someone Yeah, with someone and at somewhere that's like a cool like place to be and that's not just like specific to Christmas Like all year round like there'll be times I go out my friends and but I've got on your phone I'm like, no, it's in my bag And it but those people like I say friends that I try to distance myself from them because I can't I can't get that mindset Like I don't understand it like Yeah Yeah, I understand I understand with the whole Because I was trying to think about Why why Christmas is is so difficult and I posted a a video about Christmas Um, and I got a lot. I got a lot of comments and it's sort of I had I had the idea that Christmas For autistic people would be very difficult. Yeah, because there is a lot of loneliness. There's a lot of Add even in adulthood. There is a lot of isolation. There is a lot of negative views of holidays for autistic people and You know also also with all the festivities and all the the happy commercial stuff going on tv and and going on everywhere and Oh, you got to buy this buy this got to meet together. It's everything's great. Everything's fun Let's listen to Christmas songs and in the backgrounds. You've got Really poor rate really high rates of you know things like suicide and really high high rates of people feeling bad because they're mourning and You know, there's a lot of expectations just because it's Christmas like everything else that happens on any other day of the year Still happens around Christmas time So all the other things that you've already mentioned and then there's also the things of like just general life Like if you if say I don't know people just say oh, you should be happy. It's Christmas. Why? Like why just because it's this one specific day It's the same with birthdays as well. They're like It's and I guess it's the kind of the same Oh, it would be it's like Jesus's birthday. So you kind of did the same thing Yeah, but like the expectation is like what you should do because it's your birthday Where you should go because it's your birthday what you should wear what you should eat all these things You've got to drink. Yeah, because it's because it's Christmas because it's your birthday. It's like Do you really need a day to be happy? Like do you need a specific day to tell you that you should be happy because I'm of the opinion that like your whole life you should attempt to be happy Yeah, definitely. So Yeah, and then with the loneliness it's I think it's exacerbated For those who experience the feeling of like feeling alone even when you're in a room full of people So If you're in a room full of people you can even be having a conversation with someone like not that you've been left out or anything like that It's just that You don't feel Any sort of connection with anyone. So don't feel like you're like you're a part of anything. Yeah. You're just There Yeah Being seen there existing Just another just another table cart like placeholder at the table like all this stuff It's a mad one And I think like just because it takes so much effort for us to be social and so much energy to be able to to do social occasions And even if even if we put all of our energy into These festivities and we put all our energy into communicating with people Some sometimes it it doesn't come across in a way that they like or some, you know, they don't yes And I guess it's like upon the differences and they don't pick upon the fact that you're there and you're trying to talk to them. Yeah It's for a lot of autistic people It's just really difficult Especially when they feel like they're expected to to do it on a time of year where they feel pretty terrible Yeah But it's um So, so, yeah, those so are those though like then the main things that you think Christmas, you know, it can be so so bad. I think I think it can be really difficult There are two like loads of things. I'm not like I would be a forever fuck up at all. But The top of my head. Yeah, they're the two I would mention all right So, uh That begs the question What can autistic individuals do to make the Christmas holidays easier? Oh my god, just stop like How do I how do I word this and not swear? Um, yeah, it would be go back into Uh, how do I how do I word it? What do I what do I want to say? Let me let me think before I speak for once Select your first. Yeah, that's your thoughts It's all this that um I've even forgotten what I wanted to say now Bloody hell so it can be it can be any like personal advice. Oh, no, it is Oh, right. Yeah, so um, the way to have the best Christmas It's to have the best Christmas for you like Do what you want spend time how you want with who you want and beyond that just not avoid like this is the social pressure because it's going to be there but Let it take it in and let it go like understand that cool. That's how you want me to do my Christmas But you can take that you can listen to that and you can do your Christmas that way I'm going to do mine this way in the same way that Some people choose to eat meat and some people choose to be vegan You can choose to do your Christmas in the way you want to do it Like there are some people who don't even celebrate Christmas Like that's the thing You could be one of them like it doesn't especially I guess if you're in a family that is heavy on traditions and like is like very What do I want to say they're very like pushy trying to get you Not even pushy just that this is how it's done. This is what we do um We all like wear Christmas jumpers and wake up at 9 a.m. on Christmas day and have this breakfast and like it's all that stuff in it Try to understand why they like doing that Just ask maybe not in the kind of general way of like yy yy but just in a What do you get from this? Or see flip it on its head and say what can you get from this? All right, so maybe you'll be having this big Christmas breakfast when all you really want is toast But there's like a million things on the table But if you all sat there as a family together, what could you get from that experience? Like you could learn something new about a family member You could try a new food if that's what you wanted to do Like just make the best of every situation you're going to be in that you feel like you have to but don't want to be and My my first piece of advice would just not put yourself in those situations But if you're not at that point yet, then just Find one thing that you can get out of those situations And focus on that achieve that and then next time or the next part of the day when you've got another thing that you need to do that's Christmassy then Just take it step by step But then also the word like Christmassy like what does that mean for you like Christmassy for me is See my brother and we make like we bake something And this year that didn't happen. So I don't feel like I had a Christmas Even though I went to my nans. We had this massive Christmas dinner and I saw all the members of my family I didn't see the person that I see and makes it Christmassy for me And I didn't do that one thing that makes Christmas Christmas for me. So This year I didn't have a good Christmas. They're one paper. It would look to other people like I did Yeah, so it's all it's all it's all about Yeah, the end of the day if you're like you're upset. You're the only one he's got to deal with it You're the only one who can like make yourself happy. So Yeah, and I think um, there there's a lot of like usefulness and Being able to Just assert what you want to do like maybe you just want to lie in with Some somebody or I'll go to the cinema or you just want to go for a walk in the car Yeah, if that is what you want to do and If that's what you want to do Try and tell those around you that that's what you want to do and More often than not they'll probably be quite accepting of it or you can come to some sort of compromise and be like, well We'll do your your kind of Christmas this year. We'll do our kind of Christmas next year or mix the two types of things together Have moments where you can um collect like not collect your thoughts. What's the word just like if deal with sensory overload prevent yourself from burning out and Give yourself some time just to chill out and socially recharge so that you can Not melt down in front of your entire family Yeah, like usually I don't know from what I heard like most people have the mornings We're just their immediate family and then later on in the day is when the whole family come around So maybe in between those two things you take some time for you and do what makes Christmas Christmassy for you or you just do what you enjoy doing on every other day because Christmas Day is just another day Yeah, and if you do if you struggle with like Social interaction you do need to take a break and you know a lot of the times I feel because I feel like I've worked on my social skills and worked on everything that I can do Sometimes I feel like I can just go for the whole day just constantly socializing but You know like I think on on Christmas Day I think I lasted till about 7 p.m. Which is quite good. I think because it was from early morning throughout the day As he said, yeah, it was immediate family in the morning some presents then Christmas dinner and a lot of people and and stuff and I did need a break. So I just went up. I said Guys, I need to have a little bit of a social break I'm going to go upstairs for an hour or so and they were like, all right because they were just watching the movie So I was just like, you know, I'm gonna Yeah, like it's not really important that you're there because everyone's stopped just watching a screen. Anyway It's monging out. Yeah But that's that you know that that's a lot of a lot of tips for a lot of people I think for for a large majority of people that would really help hope so What but there is there's still the issue of People on their own because I I have you know, I when I put on my video I had a lot of Comments, but um, aren't people just not having Anyone to spend it with and wanted wanting to be around people Right feeling alone and it's something that I've been trying to think of and there's There's a few things, but there's nothing like definitive that I can You know say because it is it is very difficult thing I think my solution with that would be If you're alone and don't want to be alone Then right first of all if you're alone And don't know what to make of it. There's nothing wrong with being alone Um, if you want to spend your time alone, then you can continue to do so and again make your own Christmas Have your own Christmas. I'm going to spend Christmas on my own next year after the experience I had this year Um, yeah, just splash out a little bit not even splash out Have a complete indulgent day like it doesn't have to cost anything It just just focus on you like I want to this this is how I envisage my Christmas next year In the morning. I'm going to wake up. I'm going to have my general breakfast, which is porridge Which is nice and then I'm gonna Golden syrup. No, I just go for sugar Porridge sugar and then whatever seeds I'm on at the minute because I like I do seed cycling So whichever seeds I'm going to have as a topping and pop them on and then I'm going to Probably get dressed go for a walk just around wherever I'm living at the minute nowhere exotic just around the block Then come in and have a shower put on some super comfortable clothes read for a little bit And then have lunch and then spend the rest of the day like I don't know probably painting my nails probably working on the blog. I'm not gonna lie and then Yeah, I've Found it really difficult not to do any work Yeah, I really wanted to like make a video or something. I felt Yeah, I don't yeah first appeared in in that sense is hard for me. Why didn't you? I just didn't have any time because my my computer is downstairs and everyone is Downstairs. Oh, okay So I can't just be like, right guys. I'm gonna go off for about three or four hours May I say we would like the only one who has control over your time if that's how you want to spend it Do it? Yeah. Yeah. Um then Yeah, so that's what my my Chris was gonna look like I'm gonna have a fantastic time on my own um, but if you're on your own and If you're on your own and feel alone, which is very different to being on your own Um, like the feeling of alone you want to be around other people Then there are loads of people probably in your community around you that actually want to That either want to be with people and aren't or um Need your help so you can always volunteer down a like a homeless shelter or Like a place where they serve food to people who live on the streets Like you can volunteer on those days. Like they need help And a lot of the volunteers just go there for a couple of hours But if you're free all day, they would love to have you down there all day Look around see what's in your area. See who you can help with like i'm assuming that you want to be around people um And maybe a lot of people isn't what's going to work well for you But go to them speak with them let them know you're autistic and see if there's any ways you can help out and be around A smaller group of people rather than hundreds Maybe you could be in the kitchen wash it like cleaning some pots Maybe you could be behind a counter so there's a bit of a barrier between you and the other people So you feel a little bit safer there are People out there that could benefit from your existence on that day Definitely So if you are Fully on your hands, but want to spend time with your friends on christmas day Like a closed mouth doesn't get fed just ask them Raise yourself for rejection because they might say no spending with my family or they might give some reason Or if they say no just don't take it to heart because like it is christmas and you are inviting yourself around But just give it a go Like reach out to people Yeah Like force yourself upon them. Just just make it happen Like you are the only one who can make yourself happy and if There's no point sitting there and be like, oh, I wish so-and-so invited me around Ask them. They probably think you have christmas plans Like a lot of yeah, definitely a lot of my friends Um or people that I knew didn't realize that I was doing something for one of my birthdays Like oh, you should have said something. I was like, well, I didn't know like I didn't know but now If you want something to happen make it happen Yeah, and I think everybody everybody appreciates effort whether it just be Offering to spend time with them. Yeah You don't have to spend time with them. You just need to make sure that You just need to make sure that they know you're there and Well, even if it's the other way around and you're the one who Is on their own and you know that they're going to be spending time with other people Just like oh kind of not I'm like It's like all kind of come around for a bit. Maybe not for the full day Maybe not for dinner, but like in the morning like just Propose a time when you can go around and see them and so that you don't feel alone all of Christmas day Yeah, just open up and and express You know how you feel and how and that you You're worrying about what's on Christmas day and you need a bit of help and Yeah, just put it all out there. I'm going to be on my own on Christmas day Can I come around to yours? It's not as simple as it needs to be straight to the point. Um And it's highly unlikely they're gonna say no to that and if they do you need to like just Ask a couple of more questions about them as a person, but yeah Community centers events. I don't think I don't know Yeah, you're gonna have to have a look. I'm not a clue. I don't even live near a community center I think it'll like vary from region to region. Yeah, I'm a city kid You know some some autistic societies if you have one that's local You know, they put on stuff. Yeah, maybe getting contacts if they don't have anything that's going on for next Christmas Getting contacts say hey, this might be a good idea Lot of autistic people feel a bit isolated and alone at this time. Let's just all get together and chat If anything right and there's a lot of things that you can do you just need to just need to get over that first hurdle of asking and inquiring and It's it can be very difficult, especially if you feel You know in the slumps of Isolation and depression and you feel like nobody wants you around You gotta stay there if you don't take any action Like if you don't do anything about it, it's gonna keep on perpetuating itself like you know, you some about it Definitely and it is really difficult and But obviously like sympathies go out to anybody who feels like that and it's it's horrible that you have to feel like that when You're just getting pounded constantly by all these commercials and Spotify adverts and Yeah, I It's difficult, isn't it? um So, yeah, we sort of we sort of talked about What can the individual do? um Anything that others in wider society or people that know autistic people What can they do? Right? What can they do to help? I think this is a bit of a hard question for me to answer because I am very much of the opinion if you want help go and Find it But it is a lot easier if people do reach out to you, but then at the same time you don't be overbearing So I guess if you know someone and know they're autistic or even you know what just in general in life Like if you've got a friend and you're not quite sure what they're doing for christmas have not really mentioned anything ask It's like what if you got planned Or even if you don't want to ask what they're doing Um, because you don't want to make them feel bad for having nothing Or you think they might lie because some people would do that just to cover up and fit in um, just be like, oh Do you want to come around to mine on christmas day around this time or just say or if you oh, you know what? Some people might have a full house on christmas day. Totally cool. Totally fine Find some time across this so-called festive period to do something with that person just be like Oh, do you want to do something for a starbucks? Go for a little Something that you know, they enjoy Or just say would um, or put it on them to decide what you do just feel like well Um Look, I've got some time on this day. What would you like to do? Awesome. Yeah um So, yeah, that that's I feel like with we've covered pretty much all that I want to Uh cover and now comes the the most probably one of the most difficult questions that people struggle with Which is the summary? Which three things that we've mentioned do you think are most important to take away from this episode? I'll give you a minute. No, I think I've got I've got one I've got one so the first one would be Just to take action In general and everything but especially when it comes to this whole stuff about christmas If you're going to be alone don't want to be alone take action sort it out um Then what else have you talked about? Um Have a look into stoicism see if it's for you if cbt's not and The third one would be There's a difference between being alone No, there's a difference between What is it? What's it? There's a difference between being being on your own and feeling alone And to being on your own and no, this is there's just a difference between being on your own and feeling alone Like feeling alone is not the same as being on your own You could be in a room full of people and you can still feel alone You could be on your own and be Content like I come in from work and I live on my own. So I'm on my own, but I don't feel alone Like the feeling the feeling of being alone is very different to being physically on your own and Once you realize that and can separate the two and then can take action to Make sure you don't feel alone when you're on your own You can start exploring a lot more things in life Because that's something that I've worked through this year and it's helped me a lot Especially now that I do live on my own completely like I've kind of phased where I've lived. So I think a year two years ago I lived in a house with four three other people Yeah, yeah uni house. So I had it was in a house before the people then Um, so that was a lot more communal like we had actually in the living room kitchen was really small Then the year after that I was in halls with eight other people But because we all had our own rooms or had their own locks and the kitchen got cleaned by someone else It was a little bit more You just we just share a kitchen. That's the only engagement really had and I rarely saw them because I know when they use the kitchen I don't avoid them at those times So and then now I live completely Alone like not alone. I mean on my own Messing up by myself. I look completely on my own um, so the growth that I've done over those couple of years to realize the difference between Being on your own and feeling alone um, just brings a lot of like peace and frees up you Freeze up your mind to think about all the things and just not focus on that one feeling because think about your hobbies Think about your hobbies or you can like do just try new things or learn different parts about yourself, but what you like what you don't like or Like yeah You can just like you can and if you want to talk to people You can reach out and you can stagger it and you can you're a lot less dependent on other people Yeah happiness once you realize that being on your own doesn't mean that you like doesn't have to be synonymous with being alone And it's not bad It's not a bad thing Yeah, if you if you feel if you feel alone do some about it same way Same way when you feel happy you want to do more things that make you feel happy Is the same way that when you're sad you should stop doing things that make you feel sad or avoid things that make you feel sad Or work out how to process like if it's a negative emotion do something to make yourself get back to base or get happy Is my thoughts definitely Very good, um Did well on those summary questions. I usually have to have a few people usually have to do a few takes of that um, maybe jot some jot something down on the old ios notes page um We got the last question is which is one that I ask to everyone that comes on here This is completely open just a little bit of fun. So there's no right or wrong answer. All right What does autism mean to you? Very broad. I know it is very broad. Um, I would say Autumn means different and I want to stick with that because different doesn't mean bad So autism to me means different I think differently do things differently and I actually kind of love it like I was I had this massive It was a massive It was just like a bit of a funny moment in the car with my friend on the way to like an event And he I brought a can in his car But when I drank I'd eaten in his car another time He got really like he was watching me because he didn't want me to drop anything Like he's really protective of the pressure so for his car. So he'd moved the can From the chair because I just thrown it. I hadn't thrown it I'd like put it in the car had to run back in the house to get something got back to the car And he moved it from the chair into the cup holder But it was the cup holder nearer to him So I'd thought that meant he didn't want me to drink in his car Yeah, because otherwise why would you move it? I planned on drinking it when I got in Turns out he'd just put it there to help And I brought it up with him a couple of weeks later and he was like no I just moved it so you could so you could have it but it had somewhere to go and I was like Oh, and then I explained the whole thing and he was like actually laughing I was like I I can laugh at those moments now myself. Um But then What was the point in me telling that story? Your difference. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So I was like and he was like and I was like I was like, oh gosh, I'm so autistic and he's like Yeah, but you wouldn't change it. I was like, I actually wouldn't because like Because that situation happening between two artists you broke the drift would probably be understood the drift that the you're probably be on the same wavelength and you probably You know, you wouldn't have those little strange moments where you don't know what each other's doing and thinking and No, I mean that was just just that like my My like, I guess some people would call them quirks and autistic tendencies like like A lot of the the only time they're actually a problem is when I come into contact with people who are Ignorant Yeah, and they don't like the problem the differences They got a handle it It's not yeah, like they have a can't handle it or just don't they're just ignorant They're not open-minded. They're not willing to hear what I have to say my explanations for the way I do things I've learned to be a lot more willing to listen to where all the people see I've gone wrong And then explain my reasoning for my actions to make them see why I did what I did so I Have also realized that a lot of blow-ups or just like massive negative interactions can be avoided if I'm not On the verge of a burnout So then that's a lot of that comes on me and it's like I need to look after myself for the sake of my relationships with a lot of other people mm-hmm not spend too much time around people constantly Make sure that you do things that you enjoy and make you relax then I think it's like it's just it's not having about spending time around people It's about how you spend that time with people like if you're with someone who couldn't like I had a friend stay over for a couple of like for a whole weekend And if they completely knew that if I'm not talking to you, it's not because I've got a problem It's just because I don't want to talk right now Yeah, like don't fill my time and fill the space with like small talk if you've got nothing to say Don't say anything So it's just being around people who understand you And not having like on a deep deep level but just willing to listen Yeah, I just willing to get it and and and if and if you take the time to explain and they're not willing then move on them There's people out there who are Because it's not it's if you are a good person Getting back to this thing about intentions if down at your core. You're a good person Whatever you do is done with good intentions Then how you present yourself will be in a good way and like you're just giving off good vibes and people can accept that even if You do things differently because different doesn't mean bad I like that um, my my my mom's uh, like a big like um, special needs coordinator um, we've sort we've sort of cut coin the term Is that a disability we call it a disability? Oh, right. Oh, it's it's cool. I mean The I think there are Again, I don't see there's a I kind of don't think there's There's a stigma attached to the word disability Yeah, and I'm still not sure myself whether I'm Whether I think or to them to difference or is a disability I think there are some times where you're disadvantaged because you Present differently to other people and then it's not being received Well, or there's an extra barrier and you do have to explain yourself Like it's another step that people don't need to take so is that then a disability? I'm not too sure where I stand on that So I don't think I would mix the two words together because I do think they are too Distinctively different things, but is it like a play on words jokie thing? Yeah, it's cool We're very good at different things Um specific different things. We're not so good at other things That's kind of like I don't think you can even then like you can't really generalize to that extent because Is that like I can smash organize in a 1,000 ticket event Whereas another statistics organization levels wouldn't suit that social setting So it's Yeah, like on the whole general term. Yeah on the on the whole you can say stuff like that Won't you give it a bit more thought it comes a bit problematic? I think Okay, um, so yeah, we've we've we talked a few things about Um christmas a little bit about What autism means a little bit about what you can do and what other people can do um Yeah, I think That that is all rounded up and all good. Um Shall we talk talk through some of your social media links anything that you want to put out there Obviously, I'll put them in descriptions. So um Yeah, just shoot. So we have Obviously instagram that's where I kind of like started off. That is adult in autistic then youtube is Well, you can just search adults in autistic might come up probably won't so wouldn't do that yet But other than that as a way to find me on every other platform Just head over to the blog which will probably be up by time this episode out, which is adult in autistic Dot I want to say dot com. I think I bought the dot com Let's go with dot com adult in autistic dot com Uh Um, it's not live yet. It's not live yet Dog it's a different that's that's a different URL Is that yeah, that's adult in with autism. Yeah, that's the old one Um, so the new one. I think I've got the dot com. Uh, there was Then twitter I just honestly chat the most rubbish on twitter, but it's jokes and who doesn't live a good meme every now and then so that's tyl grnt and Yeah, I don't you know what I just say, you know for now just go to instagram until I sort everything else out Just go there. That's where the most consistency is and where you can get me look at their description Most days we'll put we'll put them down Um Yeah, so, um Oh wait. Oh my god. I forgot about my podcast The adult in autistic podcast. There's a couple of episodes up there already and I spoke with ask me now who if you're on Instagram you'll probably see in some of her posts you post like ask me tips every day pretty cool really helpful girl Um, and has mad into bts or like kpop band or whatever Um, then I did one about medication and autism and antipsychotics and then I've got Another one and I can't remember who I did it with or what it's about. So you're gonna have to go and find out for yourself But yeah, that's the adult in adult in autistic podcast Right. Well, I'll make sure to link all that stuff down and the Yeah, uh I know it's um sometimes if you even if you have a good Christmas You can have you can have a few lows after you know with all the build up If they'll have a few lows if Christmas has been bad, just try to be easy on yourself Um, thank you so much for listening to this um podcast episode Let's um, let's let's say our goodbyes. Thank you. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast Um, I hope to talk to you soon and um, I hope that you know, we can do some something further in the future Yeah, it'll be sick to work with you again. Uh, probably get you on my podcast. Not gonna lie. Yeah, thanks for having me on and Yeah, chat to you soon See you later peeps Do you want to say goodbye? Oh, I didn't realize I had to. Bye See you later