 I was asked or tasked to speak on the topic of spirituality within our families. And from the audience that I see here today, I see there are many families, many mothers with young children and also women who are in the process, and young women as well, and I'm sure the same on the left side. So it sounds like it's a very relevant discussion in Charlotte, Idaho. It's a two-part discussion, so I'll begin with some of the foundational parts of this talk, and Jeff Romney will take on from there on a more, he'll also point out theoretical, mostly more on the practical, although I will try to implement some of the practical in our talk today too. Any time we speak about spirituality within the family or for the purpose, really, of having family and sound, we have to first of all put out and see what it is that will also kind of add an intended force. If relationships within families are going to go smoothly according to how a sound intended them to be, then we have to look at our original sources, our primary sources, which of course would begin with just what Anne and the husband would be. So help me, share with me what you think in terms of the sisters here in the audience. Here are some of the names I have that speak about the purpose of us as human beings on Earth in the first place. What is our purpose? What I have in mind? Yes. Exactly. Thank you. So the sister mentioned that I am, and I'll translate, that Allah says that He has only created the humans, right, except the only reason is to worship Him. So that's what I call a million-dollar question, and not this is what I'm trying to figure out. What's the purpose of life on Earth? What's our purpose as humans? You have the ayah immediately and we'll put on answer here. It's clear. You are here for the purpose of worship. But Allah says that Allah does not intend that any of the scholars just need to explain the ayah to the break of the blessing. It's not a limit that worship just to your five daily prayers, or just to the month of Allah, or just to the Hajj that a child will perform, or how to perform for this act if it's intended for you to do it. In fact, everything that a Muslim does is right, or should be right. Or should be Him. Right? So Allah says that Allah is singing to us that at the central, the central focus of our point, the point of us being here on Earth, is to worship Him in everything you do, in everyone you know, everything you say, in any part and stage of your life. And women have multiple stages of life. Right? The before marriage, the before kids, being a daughter primarily, a sister primarily, and then later, should marriage come into the picture of life, and should children come into the picture of a mother. And perhaps later, a grandmother, and later, right, as children, and the older, the wealth from the home, and the grandchildren perhaps fill some of that void. And perhaps not. But the central focus always is that you are hafidah, a prayer meant, a habit, of the word, if you're not defined by the very people around you, rather you're defined by your purpose in life, which is what Allah has taught us in whatever stage of life. Does that make sense? Alright, so that's one of the foundational principles where we begin this conversation. What else comes to mind? What does Allah say about the purpose of having children? Does He have a life of dunya? What else? What is the purpose of having, of appropriating, of having another generation? So if the sister refers to a hafid, which will come to later after that word, alright? What else? Sing a hafidah. What's that? What is the meaning of that? Does this bring about for anybody? from the brother side, they said to continue the legacy. All right. So when Allah says in His glorious book, I will place a hadith on earth, who is He referring to? To the believers. He's speaking to us, how is us the believers? Right? And for this reason, we don't understand that Islamic nurture or spiritual unraveling has everything to do with comes back to this point of prayer, right? Of the purpose Allah put us on earth to worship Him, as we understand now. And also the next generation to bring them, what is the translation of hadith? The sister says successor. Right? Yes, very good. Yes, that's a different translation, perfect. So here, we're talking about then the person, people that are going to be able to cultivate this worship of Allah. So then we understand now our purpose and the purpose of the other people within our family and what the primary goal is according to Allah. This is the point we're moving into in this session. Not the point of discussion of opening up a marriage and having kids and this is my husband, my sister, this is my wife, and now how do I do it? This is too late in the conversation. The conversations are all over here, right? Where should you be over here? We need to start from the very beginning of the conversation of what was the point in the first phase of the masakah that I'm attended. Then, as we continue talking about nurturing or dedicated sound, then we start to understand that this is something you have to be preoccupied with from the very beginning. We should shape and color everything that you do and all the choices that you make in your life. The choices that are about the domino clap that affect everything else, and if there is a gap somewhere, you're going to feel that gap even in your home of the lack of balance and the difficulty in spirituality. The sister mentioned a hadith where the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam was talking about having children. And what was that hadith, sister? Was the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam? Yes, great, great, exactly. So the Prophet, I'll try to hear the hadith, thank you for sharing it. But the Prophet Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam says, get married and have many children. For I will boast about you to other nations. So on the other hand, what is your hadith? Have more of our children and much of our communities endowed with children. We tend to have a lot and we usually go back to this hadith and point to it and say that the Prophet said Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam right? The community will bow to him right? I'm going to boast about you on the Day of Judgment. True? But you see this hadith is also balanced out by another hadith. This hadith, the first one that we just mentioned, is one about quantity. Quantity. There is another discussion, another hadith that talks about a different concept and a too confidently balanced. This is a hadith where the Prophet said Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam and he foretells about the end of time and he says to his companions and says how worried he is about the Muslims who are going to be later coming with him. Right? And so the companions ask the weakness of their faith. So the companions ask him what? Is it for the fact that they are going to be literally numbered? Because when the Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam started they were little numbered. So maybe that's why it's not this week that they were numbered. Will it then become little in number again? And what does the Prophet say about what he was saying? He says no. Very good. Exactly, sister. He says they will be many. They will be so many. What is the comparison between the two? They will be like what? Yes, what's that? Very good. They will be like the foam on the crest of the wave. You know on the beach, do you see the foam? I'm going to try the water. But the foam, right? You see this on top where you were right on the Pacific Ocean there. So as you see, we see the water quite a bit and if you see the foam coming through on the crest, all this white bubble thing. Does it have any substance to it? Is it worth anything? Nothing. Nothing. It comes and it recedes again and nothing. It's done nothing and it's given nothing. Right? And it disappears. So the Prophet said it's not because there's not going to be enough Muslims in the future. Rather, there's going to be so many that they will be as weak as the foam on the crest of the ocean. Right? So from this, the scholars and the teachers told us about the difference of quality. There is a discussion of quantity. We've also got onto the discussion of quality. Right? But investing in each and every one of the children, to make sure that they're going to be Khomei Ha'ab, right? And which, of course, are also called Al-A'ab, as intended by Al-A'ab Jalal. So here, we continue then and say the scholars and we talked about the Hadith literature and now the scholars are going to let us tell us about spirituality in our homes. So the first thing they start with, they say, what do you talk about the topic of spirituality? It is incredibly important that you take this discussion from Muslim scholars. You take many things, many things from other points of view, from other forms of scholarship. But when it comes to spirituality, you must take this from Islamic scholarship only and let me explain why. You see, the Muslim scholars of old understood our normal processes, understood something that only now in modern society are people finally starting to understand. The concept of the holistic understanding of a child or of a person. Right? Only now, our psychologists and cognitive scientists and behavior scientists finally understanding that all of this relates to how the brain is a child. True? However, if you look at the scholars our normal processes yesterday, I was at NYU, I spent a good deal of time talking about the first hospitals in the South. And did you know that the first mental health hospitals in the world have been where and when? Where and when? The first psychiatric mental health hospitals? What's that? Not right now, but somebody got no history and when in history? When? At what stage of history are we talking about? I'll help you up. The 8th century. We're talking very early. Right? Not too long after with the advent of the sun. And yesterday I won't believe where this is today's different discussion, but the important that you understand this is when you see what the scholars of older democracy that when they looked at the ill person and they wanted to treat the person they did not just send them the doctor. Rather, today the hospital ride train at Stanford they fired themselves and as too many modern hospitals fired themselves on something called the interdisciplinarity. Who's what? Who's in this team? The people that care for you if you want to fit into the hospital. Who are they? The doctor, the psychologist, and those who also work a good as a nurse and if you need medications and there's a pharmacist involved you're going to learn about how you don't see them if they're involved, yes. So you see all these different people make up what they today call the interdisciplinarity. Would you use the parts that they told you about the hospital? This was the model that they had the interdisciplinarity in the 8th, 9th, and 10th centuries onwards when only modern medicine now has come up with this concept and implement it and find himself on it. And if you look at where the hospitals were set up, I just mentioned about Arazi yesterday and said that he was tasked with finding out the best place to put the hospital that he would take raw meat and put it to different parts of the land to see where the moths and bugs would come first and the ones where the moths did not come for some time and the air quality was cleaner in that area, so they could build the hospitals there. Way forward and the greenery and the types of treatment that was very holistic and the person on the other side of the team was serious. So that each grade understand the intermovement of the machine concepts but it needs to be holistic. These were our smart tips. This is one of our Islamic heritage that we don't know much about in these times. We put all our faith into modern medicine and all our faith into western concepts and say, aha, they got it. But in reality, we figured it out. We were letting out the money for them. Do you understand? Nevertheless, there are concepts and theories that you might read a book on child racism or you may read a book on human development or you may read a book on psychology and say, oh, that makes a lot of sense. A lot of all these major books and Dr. So-and-so and whoever so-and-so and this book was recommended by over on that and everywhere. You may read these books and say hey, this makes a lot of sense. We need physical knowledge, cognitive knowledge, even emotional knowledge. We can take from other sources. When it comes to spirituality we can only from Islamic sources because non-Muslim spirituality and understanding of God and spirituality is different from our understanding and it does not match. Also, there is a problem of maybe taking the money and giving some of the funds. What is some of the funds? Where is some of the funds? Good. Fantastic. And what is the story of some of the funds in the Islamic history books? Okay, tell me the story then. What is your understanding of what is now spread? Spread is now. And the Muslim armies and Muslims and Darul, spread into other countries. They used to give the people of those countries who were not Muslim three choices. Either they accept the stop and the slide becomes a Muslim hand or they pay the distance to start shop or they don't accept the, they accept the rule of, it's basically they accept the rule of the stop and they give the Muslims a say or they don't but they're going to pay they're going to retain their own religion but they will be ruled by the Muslims and they pay the distance. Or what? Jihad. Jihad. Jihad. Jihad. Jihad. Jihad. Jihad. Jihad. However, even that had rules to it. So they had to give the people that are living in those lands some time to prepare and they're going to go to war. Yes. And how much time do they need? Do they need to fight them? No. How much time do they need? Some of the history wasn't here. No. Just a matter of days. How many days? Three. So they think of three days to prepare themselves. And so in the history books this was you know they'd say such and such country came into Islam, such as the country decided to have war. Well some of the people of some of the countries did not accept the rule by the Muslim mortgages yet they said they were going to go to war. The history books, the Muslim history books are written as such and they actually consider the story of some of the five discussions of history and Islam justice. Okay? Because the people of some of them can't imagine 75 years later how long has the longest person been in this community lived here? How long have you lived here? 30 years. So this is 30 years. So you lived here longer than 30 years? Anybody longer than 30? We have been 40, 50, 60 years. Yep. Not quite. So the Muslim community of America is still relatively young. We're being here still relatively young. Some of the problems the five people have lived in a certain place longer. Imagine 75 years. What does that mean? It means your children have grown up and your grandchildren have grown up and your great grandchildren have grown up in those lands. And the civilization of some sorts and the intermarriage of some sorts and other opportunities become part of that country. Partly parcel of that country. Imagine 75 years later the people of some other country go to the Khamifah at the time who is Harouma Rashid and they complain to him and say when the Muslim army came and gave us our three choices and we chose to have they only that were they came to fight us for two and a half days. They think it was about 30 days. Two and a half days. So what in Harouma that achieved rule what would you think this rule was? After 75 years of Muslims living here from being in charge. Anybody have a guess? What's that? One of the brothers says take all the army out. Exactly. Can you imagine can you imagine that somebody comes to you now after you've been established here and you've raised your families and your grandchildren and they say now you must go. The Khalif, your Khalif that says you must leave. Imagine. And that's what they do. And the Muslims start to pack up and they're starting to leave and the people of Sabat Kandah watching this happening are they really going to listen to the Khalifah when they leave? They have to. They're bound by it. The people of Sabat Kandah say no, no, don't go. We actually want you to stay we actually have prospered under your rule. And it said that on that day having seen the justice of the Khalifah and the justice of the Muslims seven years later after all that time because they missed a half day that the rulers of the time should have paid better attention to it didn't that the justice of the Muslims saw that so many people of Sabat Kandah came into Sabat Kandah so the Muslim history books we can consider that a biased story of the history of Muslim justice. Now, same story but you look at it from the western or the non-Muslim perspective How is it written? The Muslims enter some of them and comfort them and then the story about 75 years later the ruler told them to leave because it wasn't the right thing they didn't know about the right proper ways the Muslims got up and started to talk and they duped the poor people of some of them and tricked them into staying there longer as a story of the Muslim injustice. And this I think I'm going to do a bit out of the ministry because this is actually how it's written. This explains to me the difference of understanding what we call the issue of the of verifying the of the sources of understanding the sources that are coming from. People often joke that the work history is his story. It is the story of the talker the one who has the upper hand and today Muslims by and large do not have the upper hand. So things are written about us that it's not coming from us but rather outside of us do see them say. It is important that when you look at sources and knowledge that you don't get so excited and inferior to new conceptors and offer and not make sure and do this issue up to a peak verifying that it fits with the sound and it actually goes hand in hand with what our beliefs are. I deal with this all the time in my own field. I'm a psychiatrist and I deal with psychology as you know. There's all kinds of trash that does not apply to these things. But there's a lot of fantastic concepts and important concepts and so much of what I publish today is one of these same concepts our scholars have all kind of written so often about us. It means three medical journals and things that they publish for the issues of citation so that scholars that come after can't just ignore our Muslim contribution even to a field that is considered to be not a lot of people feel that psychology especially is kind of separate from stuff but my theory is actually how to deal with it. Our scholars are protective that we're just not knowledgeable about the topic. But back to our discussion here of the issue of the peak because the topic today is all spirituality and spirituality in the family and you can go into any text and any books out there and all these self-help and new age books that talk about having a peaceful home and having a happy home but the reality is that once you're rich in spirituality you must cut and actually only turn to the Islamic sources of what our teachers and scholars have said about this topic. Otherwise you'll end up with an issue like that right? Well you'll be confused by some of the topics that are there but I'm not capable to do the same. So I wanted to make sure that that was understood here. Now we'll shift our attention to another topic where the prophets of the law are speaking about children and we experience a very important work and we have to spend some time with it if we're going to do this topic justice. It's Hadid Huma where the prophets of the law he says that every child is born out of need but that's it. Right? And so the scholars and then Hadid goes on what does the Hadid say? And then what? That huh? Perfect. And I'll translate what you said there that every child is born out of need until he can speak and then his parents turn him into a Jew a Christian or a Zoroastrian. This topic of speak is really important we'll get to it really later. We're also the topic of fits up every human being is born out of fits up and what does the Quran mean? What does it mean? So once in nature what else? Sister says the love of God one of the brothers said Filtra is Islam. So you know it's been it's one of those very difficult words in fact it's really funny when you look up this word and even Arabic dictionaries like they're famous ones like and it says the word Filtra it goes by the definition it says a Filtra it's considered to be so like it's a word that we should all just understand it's not worth defying We probably one of the best translations that I've heard for fits up is a natural inclination a natural inclination into what? To whom? To the Divinity to Allah and it's very important and it stems from the scholars say the time before we were even born and what did I refer to? before humans were born before the pledge yes the pledge perfect and what did Allah say and what did you saw? not good yes very good it's almost like a memory that is reflected from the time before we were even born Allah asks us souls yes Allah said very good are you decent? and what do we as humans respond? Allah yes we are so there is an understanding that this is already a natural inclination of every human being born but later they are potentially moving away from this problem and our systems in order to convert to Islam many times they prefer to be called a rework rather than a convert because they say I was already born on this system I was just in a delay and then came back to a level out of this problem with the best terminology there is but absolutely this idea of fits up almost like this memory of Allah calling to his progeny to witness that he is our Lord so here we are with this understanding of the spiritual state where the spiritual point that the human being begins from and in terms of spiritual states the topic people always ask about the topic of the soul or the ruh and what is Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala saying about this what is Allah saying? soul soul from the command of my Lord exactly so it says they ask you about the soul or the spirit say it is from my Lord the knowledge of it is from Allah meaning that even though it is human beings we don't have all of the knowledge of Allah hasn't been built to us all of the secret about this topic however what we do understand is all of the foundation from the sound fitra is essentially the foundation from which the spirit was born so here we are now seeing the beginnings of the foundation of this topic where the job then of us with each other in a home and working together comes back to the topic of Kederdia and what does Kederdia mean? someone said discipline no? break down the Arabic for me upbringing is an answer from the brother side that's another great translation break down the Arabic root does anybody know the Arabic root? no, very good so it's the Arabic root you break down you break down to the very root you end up with the words of Allah and what does Allah mean? your Lord exactly and when you say somebody is not bad what do you refer to as? ah good, yes and when you say Allah fi what does that mean? educator okay, masha'Allah also we may use the word nurturer somebody who nurtures the murafi is the one who grows the love or the understanding of the murafi of Allah in a person's life right, the murafi and in this modern history the role of the murafi was much more defined and very clear we have essentially lost the concept of the murafi in some respects though for some people still maintain the relationship with a teacher they shape in some instances they shape them but the murafi seems to by and large be gone which is unfortunate because when we talk about spiritual upbringing of families and of children you need the murafi figure but who is that? ah it's not quite the mother they do tend to be they are asked by a mother and requested by Allah to do spiritual upbringing but they are not the murafi you need a separate person who is going to do what? who is going to emphasize the same rules and regulations and concepts that their parents are doing and re-emphasizes them separate from the parents helps the parenting here you might have the word something like a mentor of some sort the murafi, the nurturer it's really their goal is to keep the fitza as pure as possible as the child grows right? and really the desire that to have an understanding of what's caught on and reason why we are used to speak about the needs in this is being from when they were younger they were never felt connected in the first place you see they are born on the fitza and if you continue to nurture and nurture the spirituality it will get lost along the way and you know this whole I should tell you this topic that I'm speaking on right now is usually a very long course that I do over a series of months or weekly classes over a series of months it's a long discussion in fact it goes through the stages of a child's development all the way from birth actually pre-birth all the way to adulthood and broken down into stages and milestones and this is actually my teacher's work some are actually her work that I'm teaching from but here she goes through the physical behavior behavioral milestones, cognitive milestones and then what often misses the emotional milestones of children at each stage and with definitely not the stress spiritual milestones of kids children in different stages and maybe this will often be almost like a teaser we'll kind of share this video maybe we'll come back in the future maybe people will invite us back to do the full course but it's a beautiful, beautiful discussion of really understanding how to influence spiritual knowledge and this and her discussion in relation to children but really we cannot even begin to talk about children until we talk about who yes, the parents and you can't even begin to talk about mom and dad, the parents until you talk about their the relationship as parents until you talk about their relationship as what as husband and wife and you can't seem to have their relationship as husband and wife until you first talk about who they were before they originally married you see this topic of spirituality in the homily it's not about the right now it actually starts from literally preconception literally from who you chose as a spouse because people then get married, have children and then sort of have this realization of oh my goodness I have no idea how I actually can influence spirituality in the homily when around the discussions that this is why there's a young woman in the audience who works sort of up and coming hopefully get to be there to really think about these topics before this action happens do you see what I'm saying? it's a common one so here let's also say that just kind of being mindful of time we'll have to take some certain things but you really cannot understand what's the problem to Ada and stick the spiritual connection between you and him without having certain aspects and traits but what's the problem that's being that's our intellect our senses, our experiences we see that as the heart to have the desire and connection with him and we set the topic up where the heart is already already if it's in a pure state already you can find it to be there in that mutual relationship you find also you have to have another worship and muhammadah which comes from a refined mass so here now we start to talk about the spiritual side and so really quickly I'm going to open a quick synopsis of what this looks like before Shaframi speaks in more detail if we talk about children like we said you can't talk about them even from a conception people say let's start from like age 0 you can't even start from pregnancy you can't even start from conception or even the marriage of your parents but all the way from choosing this that's where the conversation actually melts the start because the proper understanding of life begins with the parents proper understanding of understanding because the child was a fruit of that marriage should have a lot of hands less than the children right? and it's not the only reason why a person gets married because marriage is also the protection of a partner to help them be benefitting this life and the care after and if he lessens on the children and also to have children and kind of continue that freedom what's important here to know is that in order to produce this righteous people that will benefit society there is no room in their hearts to seek out marriage other than these reasons protection from marriage and if you're blessed with children to continue on with having children when you look at non-Muslim marriages you might want to say these concepts that are non-Muslim setting don't you think I was crazy? not really there are some who fall into the same categorical system and they're typically people of faith right? God centered people but for many that's not the purpose of marriage often it has a lot to do with money or not it has a lot to do with which is what lineage it has a lot to do with just companionship and traveling and coming and going and status and society and the rest which unfortunately a lot of our Islamic marriages are succumbing to such things as well where in reality it should be much blocked to your goals and black people even go into a union together here we also say that having the selfish idea and I had met and obviously I counseled woman after woman in my office unfortunately where they have the feel that children came as a burden to them and that could be for many reasons maybe they were not quite psychologically cared for motherhood nobody sat them down and actually slain many of those too and then they found themselves with these crying young children and who are whining and crying it wasn't worth to do with them there was no instruction in place and then they sort of went to this depressed state of I don't even know who are doing this I don't even know if I want them and then other people say I wouldn't be good enough don't say such a thing but that's not going to help her and that's how it was actually taught me through the crying people before they hit the signage and here then we also say that there has to be an understanding of why this marriage and why these children in the first place are nurturing and really growing this virtuality in the hearts of the people at our family and in order to have an optimal as I was describing you really have to understand it in red and you study the sign and it's history what the point is of all of this and also to know that when the couple marries each other that there may very well be one who is super spiritual from the other and this is a very common common common scenario in our families it's it's not it's it's rare let's say that the two aren't exactly the same way but if I were to fully use survey all of your children and ask me how many you feel like you're exactly the same spiritual level as your husband or vice versa I would probably not get more than one or two hands if that because it is not the case when you don't marry your twin they're marrying somebody completely separate it's a common one so that means that your boy is going to be a natural weakness or a natural struggle to face this difference bridge the gap between the two but to do so with gentleness and with love and with understanding before the children come into the picture is essential think about the wisdom of the boss out of how he created us that as soon as we get married that a woman immediately can birth like the next week to a child if he could have if he could have done whatever he wished but even if that couple was going to be less than a child immediately in the beginning of their marriage how long does it take for the child to turn to have a lease to my mother unless there's a great care for her but there's at least a number of months between what is the wisdom of the boss of how it's out of you exactly to give us as women now to speak to the women here to give us as women the chance to go from the stage of pre-marriage to the stage of wifehood and get that down and interact with the cell stone correctly and the spirituality that needs to happen between the children correctly before bringing a third party into the picture with our child before she takes up another world called mother do you see what I'm saying there is a wisdom I think of because how do you wish you didn't have to do my months we know that there's some type of seed on the birth of Steve Nysa but his mother married William and that was actually a full nine months so how do you wish you couldn't have like this decided that we have our babies but there is a wisdom and I think for the time to allow us to adjust and this is a very important point that I think sometimes in our communities rush, rush, rush, rush with the stage the next day the little marriage don't kiss there isn't the time up adjusting and really understanding the purpose of that point in our life so that stage in our life is here we have to know and understand about this purpose and because so many of the problems encountered later in marriage start in the very beginning of marriage that we're never adults the Khalil center that brother came up with speaking of one of the many, many things that they offer they offer for marriage therapy but the time you come in for marriage therapy it's been too late you shouldn't script it for some time people come in and they're literally telling us you're our last resort before divorce and we're saying we're working tenders and do you know what I mean and even more importantly the Khalil center offers something very beautiful which is called the pre-marital pre-marriage counseling for sessions where the two are in a room with a trained therapist who's able to then figure out the piece between them in communication because almost 80% of marriage is communication communication between the two I can't tell you how many times I have I usually work with all the women but eventually after some period of time that I work with the women I'll ask her to break on the stage and not for their marriage therapy but for helping the counseling process and I ask them and I observe them speaking to each other and their way of interacting and often I'll get complaints like I don't know what I personally can or what I personally heard she was so different I don't know what happened or he was so different on the comment she's changed always this complaint but in reality you know what it is almost always it's not so much sometimes there is a real change sometimes you know the technical specifications but in the back the change to the worst the change to the better is what you want but often it's not that there was this huge change that happened in fact what happened was there was already a major difference or major issues between them but one or the two of them stayed silent and just let it go and let it go and let it go silently until the gap widened and widened and widened between them and then finally let it go and hit the roof and then said I can't take this anymore right and then the wife said let's say this is the husband who was silent and silent and silent and then suddenly you know and other expenses going what in our company knew she was always bothered from the beginning they never said anything the differences were so stark and they could not figure out this communication issue between them from the very beginning so then it seemed like there was this seems like there was this very huge gap between them but it was always there right when the children came in lots of family and so on and it sort of you know confused the situation and nothing was ever going to sort of gap between them but you see again a lot of the products out there does things with immense treatment where there is the time naturally built in to make sure beforehand right and this is one of the main points of what the wedding is supposed to do to check the personnel and make sure this is going to synchronize well right in the marriage and also then the time period of one of our first marriages before then I just think it's when we should have a funeral and constantly figure out that there's so many times this doesn't even happen yeah good job with status with family and there isn't even enough discussion of whether this is going to be the best of points then let's say it is let's say we got past that stage but there should be this communication between them but there's all this you know there's a lot of shyness and a lot of inhibitions that it should be there all the modesty should be there but there should still be this communication process ahead of time to figure out sometimes we got couples that come who literally the first thing they say to us is they're on cloud nine they're on cloud nine it's paradise up here we're fine we're fine everything's great but there they start talking and all of a sudden these they couldn't even they had a problem and they realized oh this is not much we need to take a minute to figure this out thankfully they've done that before they're living under my roof because it can very much exclude it right so premiere and by the way this is very much part of our tradition as well and I could speak about that for a very very long time but since that's not exactly the topic today we'll say that by another day then even within that it's very helpful and helpful as needed and so much our community there is this we'll just deal with it amongst ourselves with amongst our family amongst ourselves and it doesn't quite work that way there's a loss there's losing sight of both the whole purpose of spirituality and the whole purpose of marriage and the first place hence my earlier discussion of my earlier discussion of our teachers the earlier discussion of even the counselors for example if you come from a place of knowledge and you actually help directly strongly okay I think we said for a good deal of time I'm not going to shift a little bit of an discussion further on and say that really having this having an understanding that marriage is a door of your spouse is a door to either heaven or hell this is a very important point of understanding and either this spouse is going to take you by the hand into heaven or into heaven and has a degree to do just a degree ahead of time that lets you know you're married and you've been married now you have to look at it in the eyes of this person is either going to pull me down or bring me up which is going to be and the child will be working on bringing each other up bringing each other up is over to pull each other into heaven and a whole new world this is if you have this outlook in life then it affects every one of you to your interactions with your own home interactions between you your interactions with your children and your interactions with your family and community you want if you have this proper understanding what the point is of you ever and what the point is of children ever and what the point is of having a whole new together Again, the topic of non-spirituality in my home, so relating the framework and the foundation. Now there's so much more that we can talk about and, like I said, we can go into a series of kind of our own marriage to free conception and what the point of having children is and how a mother, what she finds out that she is not expecting, she's pregnant, how to actually spiritually ready herself and psychologically ready herself for this growing fetus in her body that is going to be out each time they baby and what that means in those stages, in those months of pregnancy, so much is a pregnancy I find when we're doing a complaining of the nausea, complaining of the morning sickness and I hear you in the stock, I speak as another of children, okay? I'm sitting up, I get it. Been there, done that as well. It is difficult. However, there's also a very important spiritual part of marriage and a lot of that is the psychological part of what is relevant here and my teachers of spirituality ensured so many stories, amazing stories, I could probably spend them all that time, maybe talking about the stories of pregnant women and had their connection with their baby that starts when they're, when the baby's actually in gestation, right? So kind of all. And the woman who we could add and then their children come out later to be comforted by the silence, the sound of put out because they heard that in the room, right? Nowadays they have these machines that babies are resting things of white noise and jungle noise and I don't know what noise and that's like what happened to the put out? Had they heard you see, had they heard the recitation of put out in the room, they would be comforted by that when they're outside of the room. Again, I think I could quote all kinds of different medical studies but talk about the connection between the two and I will point the baby which is very early on, actually starts to cure. It is very early in gestation, right? And continues onward to the end. So kind of all, all of these things in kind of being ready with pregnancies and also if we talk about that, we could spend a whole time talking about the delivery process itself and how that is a time of connectedness of spirituality but also kind of to add on. And as soon as the baby is born, there was a reason that I think Malay the very first sound of the baby cures is the let. Yes, right? The name of Allah, there's a reason for such things. Yeah, the very first thing the baby tastes is let. Yeah, the tenkiah, exactly, right? All of these things are so important there is a kind of understanding of connecting it again with spirituality and connecting it to Allah. From literally the moments of conception and even before as you mentioned. Right? Now it's going to be born and it's going to go from shape of age zero, first week, right? And then we bring up the stages of spirituality going through the very until they're making adults. So I'll close with one example, case example of what I mean by this because like I said, this is a much, much bigger discussion than we have time for today and Sheikh Rahmi is going to continue the discussion a little bit. Let's give one practical example of what I'm talking about. Let's use prayer as an example of this. You know and I know that the hadith says what about prayer? Teach your children prayer. But what does it say? Now, the sister said that the hadith of the son says, teach your children to pray. Seven and what? What comes after? We'll use the word it's a two discipline them by ten. Okay, seven and ten. How many of you have kids who are just about seven? How many of your kids just about ten? How many of your kids that are older than ten? Oh, a lot. How many of your kids pray regularly? That's a lot of people. All right, so this is how we use this as an example because the hadith is here and the hadith is clear. Yeah, we could be even more clear than this and the scholars then take from this hadith and explain things about some and explain other kinds of a bound that based on this hadith as well. But let's just use prayer since it's exactly the wording of the hadith. How are you going to teach your child to pray by seven? If they don't know the basics of prayer itself or the prerequisites to prayer, which are what? Wadoop, tahada. Okay, so we're mentioning fifth based things. How many of you have thought to sign up your seven-year-old for fifth classes? That's one, a lot of you. Two, are there fifth classes for children in your community? A lot of them, but now since there is, my sister says very broadly, since there are, why are there only two kids there? I don't know your community and I don't know what's happening. I'm an outsider. I'm an outsider coming in, but I don't mean to instigate any trouble. But what I need to say is it's a very, it's a very practical and important thing. We just spent this whole last 40-some minutes talking about, I think it's phenomenal, talking about what? Surgery at home and children at home and the point of being on earth and the point of caring and some points of children. And they could have such a clear hadith of teach your children to pray by seven. How on earth are your children going to pray if they don't know the different parts of prayer and how are they going to stand in prayer if they haven't figured out how to do the duty? And how are you going to teach your duty if you haven't spoken about the heart of, what is an edges in pure and what is pure? Four children. Now you don't need to give them a huge advanced book of fifth and say here, that doesn't work for them. But you need to have somebody who's dynamic and able to engage with them and explain to them that they see something they need to know. True? Now, that's seven. How young is seven? What grade is seven? Aha! Yes, that's my favorite. Eight, nine, seven, eight and nine. But the children little by little are brought into the understanding and the beginnings of prayer. Because the simple part is actually teaching them how to make a duty. That's the simple part. The more difficult part is setting them to do what? To do this regularly. And every child's upon a lot, every child is different. Some children, like this. Okay, mom, ready to pray? Let's go. Many children, what's going on with them? Gone, prayer, gone, gone. I mean it is sometimes, and for some children, it really feels like they're plenty. And then there's a question that, am I causing them to hate the prayer? Right? I mean, these are very real questions. Yeah? This is why I really think in everything that the mother and father do, assuming they're actually doing this in the first place, you need to have the little feet or the mentor who's re-emphasizing what you're trying to emphasize, but separate from you. And is doing so in a cool and fit manner. I'm very serious about this, right? I work a lot with youth and run, I've been running youth groups for over a decade now, working with young people. Right? You need those mentors. You need these young people to really be excited and excite the children about such essentially routine actions like prayer. Now, some of your children do very well if you reward them. People point this down, they get on rewards of some sort of gifts they need at the end or let at the end. And other times, some of your children, the reward doesn't work and it's more punishment although I really, really suggest, personal suggestion, that punishment isn't implemented until the hadith, like the hadith says, what? Yeah, by ten and that's clear, that there is a consequence for not praying. How old, what grade is a ten-year-old in? Yeah, about fifth grade roughly. Fifth grade. Now take a moment, we don't say out loud when you started to pray. For those who pray regularly. For those who pray regularly. All right, we have somebody who's willing to say, because it was early, a lot of us, sixth grade, most people are saying silent because they know that it was not, maybe we're not in fifth and sixth grade when they first started praying regularly. Because again, the hadith, as much and as genuine as your parents, wonderful as they probably were, this was not a sexual part, potentially, of raising you. But we hope that you'll have a different experience and your children, especially in this country, will have a different experience. Because to have children in this country who are going to stop, drop and pray five times a day, it's going to be almost miraculous and really it's not going to happen unless you put that effort in. And so what did the teacher say? They say, this is the hadith. So my teacher, for example, the one who wrote the manual on raising a spiritual child, she gives recommendations at every single stage of what to do with prayer. So she talks about the two and three and four year olds and how when they get really curious and they're kind of looking at you and they start to help kids and start doing the actions of prayer they don't really know what you're doing and they get to the very bottom of the requirements to do it and they start doing like, you know, cartwheels and they start doing somersaults. She says, let them be, bring them into the prayer space. This concept of children should be seen but not heard is not okay in our team. They have to be part and parcel of the prayer space and process, even if they're doing somersaults. Right? But they love being there with the family and there should be jama'a, a congregational prayer between the husband and wife. Okay? And there should be children and whoever, by the way, whoever's in the household, there should be prayer together and the children should see this. And then when they get a little bit older and can stand, even if they don't know the correct wording, they're just excited to put down their little kid's prayer rug and you should invest in looking for a little kid's prayer rug or perhaps make one or make them together. I felt her in the craft store together. Right? And they're a little koofy if they're a boy or a little prayer outfit if they're a girl and have their prayer items and they're so excited about them and you put nice smell also, right? Nice smell in them. And you have them and there's excitement because why? Because children start to connect things. You pray together and afterward, even though they don't know all of its parts, this is all before seven. Yeah? We're talking about four, five, six, zero. Yeah? They don't know all the parts of prayer, but what they do know is that every time they stand next to them, they pray that as soon as you finish your salams, the first thing you do is hug them and I'm so proud of them, I'm so happy, I'm so excited. They see this joy and excitement of the parents and they connect in their minds prayer with something good, something exciting, something I want to do consistently because a lot of the times what children want from you as parents is your attention. And our attention and I'm absolutely serious is divided in all kinds of other distractions. They want our attention and so when they get positive attention and they in their little brains, they're connecting that to prayer and that's what prayer starts to mean to them. So we're not talking to parents always asking, I'm a 14 year old and you're actually crazy because you won't fit up for a salam, it's like, what were you doing with the one who was four? Silence. Do you see what I'm saying? The story starts early on, very, very early on, because how about 14 years when he was four and five and six connected to positive and I mean, I'll do this and I'm just for disclosure, sitting with my own parents and my own children rather, and the hug afterwards, even the big kid, even the tasbih that you do after prayer, the 33s, yeah? Even that, I'll say, instead of doing the whole thing of mustahas, the prairies, I'll have to say, give me your hand and I'll have to do it on her or his hand. So they feel the closeness and connection and they're excited or they put out their hand and they feel that connection, right? Prayer becomes an exciting thing. Why? Because eventually they're going to reach the age that they have to now start learning the proper fifth of it, the seven, the eight and the nine and here's where you have your chance to slowly but surely start to go from one to two to three to four to five prayers. By ten? And I'm like, I have to tell you I'm like sweating, telling you this because I have one that's about to turn ten. Just sweating easier. Which all realizing the importance and the gravity of what it means that when she is ten, has to pray all five prayers. Do you see what I'm saying? But to know that as much as it has hard as a routine to build in, I know for my own childhood and this by the way I thank my father for this because although I was a girl and although I had brothers, I always was brought to the prayer with him. He said, let's go pray to him. Let's go pray. Let's go all the way side by side with him. Always. And I can't tell you who the psyche of for me as a girl or the little kid, what that did to me because it was my exciting time to be with my father. Do you see what I'm saying? And although he was a very busy person doing a lot of important things out there and didn't have a ton of time, the time that was there was a quality time. Do you see what I'm saying? People complain all the time about their small state of business and so on. But the time that is there is quality and is spiritual in nature. And I know a lot of God out of it there's a direct correlation between that as a child and later being excited to study guiding them forward, right? So I recommend that this happen and then I have mothers who say that my husband doesn't pray or doesn't pray regularly. Mothers who should know parents, parents in general, men and women here because sometimes they get the opposite complaint too. The husband prays that the life doesn't. So look, for children, for children, they take at least one preferably to, granted, preferably to. But even when I can't tell you the number of people who have said I only have one person who prays. Maybe it's a mother, maybe it's a father, maybe it's a grant grant. But because of that one person they came out praying regularly. Do you see? And it was something they're fond of, they're excited about, they're happy with. Look, for anybody, a routine is hard. Five times a day is a routine and it takes a lot of pre-planning and a lot of effort. We know that. Look, I'll give you a very small and almost excuse the example. But here in a message to go make and do, it's set up for you to make and do. To go and to use a restroom or offline, it's set up for you to do so. But you go outside the shopping mall or to your soccer game or kids soccer game and now it's prayer time, what will you do? You literally have to pre-plan it. In your person, I should hope all of you are carrying your little look around offline. Perfect? Because American bathrooms don't have such things for cleansing yourself. True? And then there's initial making we'll do in public protection. I hope everybody's not uncomfortable enough to put their foot in the sink by this point in time. Yes? And make proper redo. And then to have the comfort of praying in public. Which whether it's in the mall, that's easy because you find a store that has a fitting room and you pray. But if not, then you find any quieter corner and you pray there. Or if in your soccer field you find a corner there, you pray on the grass. Well what has made the birth a mystery for Muslims? Do you see what I'm saying? It takes pre-planning though to remember your five day prayers. And when your children do see you do that, then they will do so too. But don't say later why does my child not pray. And yet they'll be out with you shopping, grocery shopping or regular shopping at the mall and they'll see the hood coming in and out, awesome coming in and out, melody coming in and out and you've done nothing. And then you're going to wonder why they're not praying. Allahu Akbar. Right? So here's what we're saying. Like this takes effort. It takes real heart. It takes real pre-planning. It takes understanding. What the point of Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala how they put us on earth has been. So that one may reach the age of 10 and now Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala says discipline. I know the word in Arabic is what? Yes, love, right? To hit, often translated as such. Some children that works. Some children it doesn't matter what you do. That doesn't work. So what does work? And why I've heard my teachers often say, forgive those who agree with this translation, but have said to discipline. Because for some taking away all their legos or portion of them, like in our family, works. For others taking away some sort of privilege, they'll feel the pinch because they can't go over and spend the night at their cousins or they can't have their cousin over or whatever the case may be, or they can't go to such and such place or they can't go to soccer practice. Ouch. But this did nothing to them. Do you see what I'm saying? So there's a consequence for having gone that further by then. And then if you go further and continue that in mind, if that's happening and you're serious about that from when they're little kids all the way from 10, as it goes into their teens, right? 12, 13, 14, right onto their teen years, now we're talking just about a matter of habit. And one of the main things, and I will close with this for giving Shabam a gun a little further, but one of the main things that I'll close with here is that people often complain about teens. And our teachers of scripture always explain to us that teenagers, this concept in this age called teenagers is a western construct that did not exist in Islamic societies. You went from before puberty, you were a child, and after you're considered an adult, now granted you're not ready to maybe, you know, balance a checkbook and all the rest perhaps. But in terms of the, on the site of Allah you mean our teens, meaning puberty time, right? In the site of Allah, they are ready to take on the same spiritual responsibilities as adults of prayer and fasting. So what does that mean? That means that following into this idea that all of our teenagers therefore they are supposed to rebel, they're supposed to yell, they're supposed to slam doors, they're supposed to beat a respectful garbage. It has no essence in our deen. The grantor there might be a little bit of trying to figure out their identity, but you know what the teachers of spirituality say about this stage, they say this is the peak, the peak of spirituality among them. That mid teens into about the mid 20s, that is they call it the peak of spirituality. Why? Because this is the stage before responsibilities. Often children are going to be married at 15 and 16, I'm excited, this is exciting right now. They don't have the responsibility of caring, most of the time, of caring for others that's coming still, right? They don't have that espouse in their right children, they don't have elderly parents perhaps that they have to not take care of. They're in a different stage of life where and they're not children anymore, they are actually wiser and a little more responsible and can understand more. So when they're in this middle stage and now they have both time and intellect, what do teenagers usually fill their time with? Not tell me, what do they usually fill their time with? Social media, what else? TV, yes, what else? Drama, music, yes, actors, musicians, so on, top star, whatever, these people that are now that role models and so on, right? Dividing themselves. But if you're just buying yourself with these aspects and you put things with your time and intellect and you're just explaining the teaching of spirituality, this is the peak of spirituality, this is the stage of life, then if you get it right, you have the time to have what they call the taste of Eman, to really experience the connection between you and Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and you're saying to me, what at 15 and 16 year old are you serious? Well, I'm speaking from personal experience and I'm speaking from experience of the young people like myself who have studied early on and come to me that's a lot of and I'll tell you something, this is the stage, because you don't have the responsibilities of children waking up in the middle of the night crying and you have to go deal with them and work the next day and such and such and other things, you can get up for Tahajjud without any problem, you can get up and call to Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala, you can get up and pray or you can teach him, you can get up and do as many of God as you wish and as much put on as you wish and as much learning and how to master it, to master it in place, the place to learn and massage it and so on and speakers and scholars and the rest. Either you will fill that void or that that part of your life, the peak of spirituality with a connection of Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala and literally live off of it for the rest of your life going forward and only stay back to those days or you will fill that void with boys, with singers, with actors, with drama, with rubbish, teenage rubbish and also nothing means nothing in that way and it will do nothing for you except for potential heartache in the future. So the hard to forgive the words here, I know we have some younger people audience, I'm careful with the words I'm choosing, but either you're going to lean towards spirituality or you're going to lean to what this society promotes intensely, somebody said it in the audience, yes and I won't say because we have young people on the room but I'll use a similar word, promise you, right? Either you're going to lean this way or you're going to lean that way and that's what those spirituality is going to be filled with. Does that make sense? So now we really start to understand what Allah Subhanahu wa Ta'ala wanted from us on earth but the point when he says he's only created us except to worship him at every stage of life and this now is a foundation for interacting together, right? For when you interact with your family members, when the spouses interact together and when you interact with your children, this is the foundation which I hope that shalt Allah we leave that foundation for now so for me to take from from here and pick up from here on some more practical discussion on this so we'll just let you know we're taking a five minute stretch break, we'll just stand up and stretch and shalt Allah to Allah and sit right back down to listen to him Alhamdulillah, Lord of the worlds and may the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you Sayyidina Muhammad and his family and his companions and his companions and may the peace, mercy, and blessings of Allah be upon you Thank you so much, and peace be upon you