 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Becky Miller, Canal Winchester, Ohio. Eighty years and more, Chapter 1. Childhood The psychical growth of a child is not influenced by days and years, but by the impressions passing events make on its mind. What may prove a sudden awakening to one, giving an impulse in a certain direction that may last for years, may make no impression on another. People wonder why the children of the same family differ so widely, though they have had the same domestic discipline, the same school and church teaching, and have grown up under the same influences and with the same environments. As well, wonder why lilies and lilacs in the same latitude are not all alike in color and equally fragrant. Children differ as widely as these in the primal elements of their physical and psychical life. Who can estimate the power of antenatal influences or the child's surroundings in its earliest years, the effect of some passing word or sight on one that makes no impression on another? The unhappiness of one child under a certain home discipline is not inconsistent with the content of another under this same discipline. One yearning for broader freedom is in a chronic condition of rebellion. The other, more easily satisfied, quietly accepts the situation. Everything is seen from a different standpoint. Everything takes its color from the mind of the beholder. I am moved to recall what I can of my early days, what I thought and felt that grown people may have a better understanding of children and do more for their happiness and development. I see so much tyranny exercised over children, even by well-disposed parents and in so many varied forms, a tyranny to which these parents are themselves insensible, that I desire to paint my joys and sorrows in as vivid colors as possible in the hope that I may do something to defend the weak from the strong. People never dream of all that is going on in the little heads of the young, for few adults are given to introspection, and those who are incapable of recalling their own feelings under restraint and disappointment can have no appreciation of the sufferings of children who can neither describe nor analyze what they feel. In defending themselves against injustice, they are as helpless as dumb animals. What is insignificant to their elders is often to them a source of great joy or sorrow. With several generations of vigorous, enterprising ancestors behind me, I commenced the struggle of life under favorable circumstances on the 12th day of November, 1815, the same year that my father, Daniel Cady, a distinguished lawyer and judge in the state of New York was elected to Congress. Perhaps the excitement of a political campaign in which my mother took the deepest interest may have had an influence on my prenatal life and given me the strong desire that I have always felt to participate in the rights and duties of government. My father was a man of firm character and unimpeachable integrity and yet sensitive and modest to a painful degree. There were but two places in which he felt at ease, in the courthouse and at his own fireside. Though gentle and tender, he had such a dignified repose and reserve of manner that as children we regarded him with fear rather than affection. My mother, Margaret Livingston, a tall, queenly-looking woman was courageous, self-reliant and at her ease under all circumstances and in all places. She was the daughter of Colonel James Livingston who took an active part in the War of the Revolution. Colonel Livingston was stationed at West Point when Arnold made the attempt to betray that stronghold into the hands of the enemy. In the absence of General Washington and his superior officer, he took the responsibility of firing into the vulture, a suspicious-looking British vessel that lay at anchor near the opposite bank of the Hudson River. It was a fatal shot for Andre, the British spy with whom Arnold was then consummating his treason. Hit between wind and water, the vessel spread her sails and hastened down the river, leaving Andre with his papers to be captured while Arnold made his escape through the lines before his treason was suspected. On General Washington's return to West Point, he sent for my grandfather and reprimanded him for acting in so important a matter without orders, thereby making himself liable to court-martial. But after fully impressing the young officer with the danger of such self-sufficiency on ordinary occasions, he admitted that a most fortunate shot had been sent into the vulture. For, he said, we are in no condition just now to defend ourselves against the British forces in New York, and the capture of this spy has saved us. My mother had the military idea of government, but her children, like their grandfather, were disposed to assume the responsibility of their own actions. Thus the ancestral traits in mother and children modified in a measure the dangerous tendencies in each. Our parents were as kind, indulgent, and considerate as the Puritan ideals of those days permitted, but fear rather than love of God and parents alike predominated. Add to this our timidity in our intercourse with servants and teachers, our dread of the ever-present devil, and the reader will see that under such conditions nothing but strong self-will and a good share of hope and mirthfulness could have saved an ordinary child from becoming a mere nullity. The first event engraved on my memory was the birth of a sister when I was four years old. It was a cold morning in January when the brawny Scotch nurse carried me to see the little stranger, whose advent was a matter of intense interest to me for many weeks after. The large pleasant room with the white curtains and bright wood fire on the hearth, where panada, catnip, and all kinds of little messes which we were allowed to taste were kept warm, was the center of attraction for the older children. I heard so many friends remark, What a pity it is she's a girl that I felt a kind of compassion for the little baby. True, our family consisted of five girls and only one boy, but I did not understand at that time that girls were considered an inferior order of beings. To form some idea of my surroundings at this time, imagine a two-story white frame house with a hall through the middle, rooms on either side, and a large back building with grounds on the side and rear which joined the garden of our good Presbyterian minister, the Reverend Simon Tossack, of whom I shall have more to say in another chapter. Our favorite resorts in the house were the garret and cellar. In the former were barrels of hickory nuts, and on a long shelf, large cakes of maple sugar and all kinds of dried herbs and sweet flag. Spinning wheels, a number of small white cotton bags filled with bundles marked in ink, silk, cotton, flannel, calico, etc., as well as ancient masculine and feminine costumes. Here we would crack the nuts, nibble the sharp edges of the maple sugar, chew some favorite herb, play ball with the bags, whirl the old spinning wheels, dress up in our ancestors' clothes, and take a bird's eye view of the surrounding country from an enticing scuttle-hole. This was forbidden ground, but nevertheless we often went there on the sly, which only made the little escapades more enjoyable. The cellar of our house was filled in winter with barrels of apples, vegetables, salt meats, cider, butter, pounding barrels, wash tubs, etc., offering admirable nooks for playing hide-and-seek. Two tallow candles threw a faint light over the scene on certain occasions. This cellar was on a level with a large kitchen where we played blind man's boff in other games when the day's work was done. These two rooms are the center of many of the merriest memories of my childhood days. I can recall three colored men, Abraham, Peter, and Jacob, who acted as men's servants in our youth. In turn, they would sometimes play on the banjo for us to dance, taking real enjoyment in our games. They are all at rest now, quote, with old Uncle Ned in the place where the good-niggers go, unquote. Our nurses, Lockie Danford, Polly Bell, Mary Dunn, and Cornelia Nicoloy, pieced to their ashes, were the only shadows on the gaiety of these winter evenings. For their chief delight was to hurry us off to bed, that they might receive their bow, or make short calls in the neighborhood. My memory of them is mingled with no sentiment of gratitude or affection. In expressing their opinion of us in after years, they said we were a very troublesome, obstinate disobedient set of children. I have no doubt we were in constant rebellion against their petty tyranny. Abraham, Peter, and Jacob viewed us in a different light, and I have the most pleasant recollections of their kind services. In the winter outside the house, we had the snow with which to build statues and make forts, and huge piles of wood covered with ice, which we called the Alps, so difficult were they of ascent and descent. There we would climb up and down by the hour, if not interrupted, which however was generally the case. It always seemed to me that in the height of our enthusiasm we were invariably summoned to some disagreeable duty, which would appear to show that thus early I keenly enjoyed outdoor life. Theodore Tilton has thus described the place where I was born, quote, Birthplace is secondary parentage and transmits character. Johnstown was more famous half a century ago than since. For then, though small, it was a marked intellectual center. And now, though large, it is an unmarked manufacturing town. Before the birth of Elizabeth Cady, it was the vice-dukel seat of Sir William Johnson, the famous English negotiator with the Indians. During her girlhood, it was an arena for the intellectual wrestlings of Kent, Tompkins, Spencer, Elisha Williams, and Abraham Van Vecten, who as lawyers were amongst the chiefest of their time. It is now devoted mainly to the fabrication of steel springs and buckskin gloves. So like Wordsworth's early star, it has faded into the light of common day. But Johnstown retains one of its ancient splendors, a glory still fresh as at the foundation of the world. Standing on its hills, one looks off upon a country of enameled meadowlands that melt away southward toward the Mohawk and northward to the base of those grand mountains, which are God's monument over the grave of John Brown, unquote. Harold Frederick's novel, In the Valley, contains many descriptions of this region that are true to nature, as I remember the Mohawk Valley, for I first knew it not so many years after the scenes which he lays there. Before I was old enough to take in the glory of this scenery and its classic associations, Johnstown was to me a gloomy-looking town. The middle of the streets was paved with large cobblestones over which the farmer's wagons rattled from morning till night, while the sidewalks were paved with very small cobblestones over which we carefully picked our way so that free and graceful walking was out of the question. The streets were lined with solemn poplar trees, from which small yellow worms were continually dangling down. Next to the prints of darkness I feared these worms. They were harmless, but the sight of one made me tremble. So many people shared in this feeling that the poplars were all cut down and elms planted in their stead. The Johnstown Academy and churches were large square buildings, painted white, surrounded by these same somber poplars, each edifice having a doleful bell which seemed to be ever tolling for school, funerals, church, or prayer meetings. Next to the worms those clanging bells filled me with the utmost dread. They seemed like so many warnings of an eternal future. Visions of the inferno were strongly impressed on my childish imagination. It was thought in those days that firm faith in hell and the devil was the greatest help to virtue. It certainly made me very unhappy whenever my mind welled on such teachings, and I have always had my doubts of the virtue that is based on the fear of punishment. Perhaps I may be pardoned a word devoted to my appearance in those days. I have been told that I was a plump little girl with very fair skin, rosy cheeks, good features, dark brown hair, and laughing blue eyes. A student in my father's office, the late Henry Bayard of Delaware, an uncle of our recent ambassador to the court of St. James's Thomas F. Bayard, told me one day after conning my features carefully that I had one defect which he could remedy. Your eyebrows should be darker and heavier, said he, and if you will let me shave them once or twice you will be much improved. I consented, and slight as my eyebrows were, they seemed to have had some impression, for the loss of them had a most singular effect on my appearance. Everybody, including even the operator, laughed at my odd-looking face, and I was in the depths of humiliation during the period while my eyebrows were growing out again. It is scarcely necessary for me to add that I never allowed the young man to repeat the experiment, although strongly urged to do so. I cannot recall how or when I conquered the alphabet, words in three letters, the multiplication tables, the points of the compass, the chickenpox, whooping cough, measles, and scarlet fever. All these unhappy incidents of childhood left but little impression on my mind. I have, however, most pleasant memories of the good-spinster Maria Yoast, who patiently taught three generations of children the rudiments of the English language, and introduced us to the pictures in Murray's spelling book, where old father Time with his scythe and the farmer stoning the boys in his apple trees gave rise in my mind to many serious reflections. Miss Yoast was plump and rosy with fair hair, and had a merry twinkle in her blue eyes, and she took us by very easy stages through the old-fashioned school books. The interesting readers children now have were unknown sixty years ago. We did not reach the temple of knowledge by the flowery paths of ease in which our descendants now walk. I still have a perfect vision of myself and sisters, as we stood up in the classes, with our toes at the cracks in the floor, all dressed alike in bright red flannel, black alpaca aprons, and around the neck a starched ruffle that, through a lack of skill on the part of either the laundress or the nurse who sewed them in, proved a constant source of discomfort to us. I have since seen full-grown men under slighter provocation than we endured, jerk off a collar, tear it into and throw it to the winds, chased by the most soul-heroing expletives. But we were sternly rebuked for complaining, and if we ventured to introduce our little fingers between the delicate skin and the irritating linen, our hands were slapped, and the ruffle readjusted a degree closer. Our Sunday dresses were relieved with a black sprig and white aprons. We had red cloaks, red hoods, red mittens and red stockings. For oneself to be all in red six months of the year was bad enough, but to have this costume multiplied by three was indeed monotonous. I had such an aversion to that color that I used to rebel regularly at the beginning of each season when new dresses were purchased, until we finally passed into an exquisite shade of blue. No words could do justice to my dislike of those red dresses. My grandfather's detestation of the British redcoats must have descended to me. My childhood's antipathy to wearing red enabled me later to comprehend the feelings of a little niece who hated everything pea-green, because she had once heard the saying, neat but not gaudy, as the devil said when he painted his tail pea-green. So when a friend brought her a cravet of that color, she threw it on the floor and burst into tears saying, I could not wear that, for it is the color of the devil's tail. I sympathized with the child and had it changed for the hue she liked. Although we cannot always understand the ground for children's preferences, it is often well to heed them. I am told that I was pensively looking out of the nursery window one day when Mary Dunn, the Scotch nurse who was something of a philosopher, in a stern presbyterian said, Child, what are you thinking about? Are you planning some new form of mischief? No, Mary I replied. I was wondering why it was that everything we like to do is a sin and that everything we dislike is commanded by God or someone on earth. I am so tired of that everlasting, no, no, no. At school, at home, everywhere it is no. Even at church all the commandments begin, thou shalt not. I suppose God will say no to all we like in the next world just as you do here. Mary was dreadfully shocked at my dissatisfaction with the things of time and prospective eternity and exhorted me to cultivate the virtues of obedience and humility. I well remember the despair I felt in those days as I took in the whole situation over the constant cribbing and crippling of a child's life. I suppose I found fit language in which to express my thoughts for Mary Dunn told me years after how our discussion roused my sister Margaret who was an attentive listener. I must have set forth our wrongs in clear, unmistakable terms for Margaret exclaimed one day. I tell you what to do. Hereafter, let us act as we choose without asking. Then I said we shall be punished. Suppose we are, said she. We shall have had our fun at any rate and that is better than to mind the everlasting no we may not have any fun at all. Her logic seemed unanswerable so together we gradually acted on her suggestions. Having less imagination than I she took a common sense view of life and suffered nothing from anticipation of troubles while my sorrows were intensified fourfold by innumerable apprehensions of possible exigencies. Our nursery, a large room over a back building had three barred windows reaching nearly to the floor. The door opened on a gently slanting roof over a veranda. In our night robes, on warm summer evenings we could, by dint of skillful twisting and compressing, get out between the bars and there snugly braced against the house we would sit and enjoy the moon and stars and what sounds might reach us from the streets while the nurse, gossiping at the back door, imagined we were safely asleep. I have a confused memory of being often under punishment for what in those days were called tantrums. I suppose they were really justifiable acts of rebellion against the tyranny of those in authority. I have often listened since with real satisfaction to what some of our friends had to say of the high-handed manner in which Sister Margaret and I defied all the transient orders and strict rules laid down for our guidance. If we had observed them we might as well have been embalmed as mummies for all the pleasure and freedom we should have had in our childhood. As very little was then done for the amusement of children happy were those who conscientiously took the liberty of amusing themselves. One charming feature of our village was a stream of water called the Cayedetta which ran through the north end and in which it was our delight to walk on the broad slate stones when the water was low in order to pick up pretty pebbles. These joys were also forbidden though indulged in as opportunity afforded especially as Sister Margaret's philosophy was found to work successfully and we had finally risen above our infantile fear of punishment. Much of my freedom at this time was due to this sister who afterward became the wife of Colonel Duncan McMartin of Iowa. I can see her now hat in hand, her long curls flying in the wind, her nose slightly retro-say, her large dark eyes flashing with glee and her small straight mouth so expressive of determination. Though two years my junior she was larger and stronger than I and more fearless and self-reliant. She was always ready to start when any pleasure offered and if I hesitated she would give me a jerk and say emphatically I'll come along and away we went. About this time we entered the Johnstown Academy where we made the acquaintance of the daughters of the hotelkeeper and the county sheriff. They were a few years my senior but as I was ahead of them in all my studies the difference of age was somewhat equalized and we became fast friends. This acquaintance opened to us two new sources of enjoyment the freedom of the hotel during court week a great event in village life and the exploration of the county jail. Our Scotch nurse had told us so many thrilling tales of castles, prisons and dungeons in the old world that to see the great keys and iron doors the handcuffs and chains and the prisoners and their cells seemed like a veritable visit to Mary's native land. We made frequent visits to the jail and became deeply concerned about the fate of the prisoners who are greatly pleased with our expressions of sympathy and our gifts of cake and candy. In time we became interested in the trials and sentences of prisoners and would go to the courthouse and listen to the proceedings. Sometimes we would slip into the hotel where the judges and lawyers dined and help our little friend wait on table. The rushing of servants to and fro the calling of guests the scolding of servants in the kitchen the banging of doors the general hubbub the noise and platter were all idealized by me into one of those royal festivals Mary so often described. To be allowed to carry plates of bread and butter pie and cheese I counted a high privilege but more especially I enjoyed listening to the conversations in regard to the probable fate of our friends the prisoners in the jail. On one occasion I projected a few remarks into a conversation between two lawyers when one of them turned abruptly to me and said child you'd better attend to your business bring me a glass of water. I replied indignantly I am not a servant I am here for fun. In all these escapades we were followed by Peter black as coal and six feet in height. It seems to me now that his chief business was to discover our whereabouts get us home to dinner and take us back to school. Fortunately he was overflowing with curiosity and not averse to lingering a while where anything of interest was to be seen or heard and as we were deemed perfectly safe under his care no questions were asked when we got to the house if we had been with him. He had a long head and through his diplomacy we escaped much disagreeable surveillance. Peter was very fond of attending court. All the lawyers knew him and wherever Peter went the three little girls in his charge went too. Thus with constant visits to the jail courthouse and my father's office I gleaned some idea of the danger of violating the law. The great events of the year were the Christmas holidays the 4th of July and general training as the review of the county militia was then called. The winter gala days are associated in my memory with hanging up stockings and with turkeys mince pies, sweet cider and sleigh rides by moonlight. My earliest recollections of those happy days when schools were closed, books laid aside and unusual liberties allowed center in that large cellar kitchen to which I have already referred. There we spent many winter evenings in uninterrupted enjoyment. A large fireplace with huge logs shed warmth and cheerfulness around. In one corner sat Peter sawing his violin while our youthful neighbors danced with us and played blind man's buff almost every evening during the vacation. The most interesting character in this game was a black boy called Jacob, Peter's lieutenant who made things lively for us by always keeping one eye open a wise precaution to guard himself from danger and to keep us on the jump. Hickory nuts, sweet cider and olecokes a Dutch name for a fried cake with raisins inside were our refreshments when there came a lull in the fun. As St. Nicholas was supposed to come down the chimney our stockings were pinned on a broomstick only across two chairs in front of the fireplace. We retired on Christmas Eve with the most pleasing anticipations of what would be in our stockings next morning. The thermometer in that latitude was often 20 degrees below zero yet bright and early we would run downstairs in our bare feet over the cold floors to carry stockings, broom, etc. to the nursery. The gorgeous presents that St. Nicholas now distributes show that he too has been growing up with the country. The boys and girls of 1897 will laugh when they hear of the contents of our stockings in 1823. There was a little paper of candy one of raisins, another of nuts a red apple, an olecoke and a bright silver quarter of a dollar in the toe. If a child had been guilty of any erratic performances during the year, which was often my case a long stick would protrude from the stocking. If particularly good an illustrated catechism or the New Testament would appear showing that the St. Nicholas of that time held decided views on discipline and ethics. During the day we would take a drive over the snow-clad hills and valleys in a long red lumber sleigh. All the children it could hold made the forests echo with their songs and laughter. The sleigh bells and Peter's fine tenor voice added to the chorus seemed to chant as we passed Merry Christmas to the farmer's children and to all we met on the highway. Returning home we were allowed as a great Christmas treat to watch all Peter's preparations for dinner a tired in a white apron and turban holding in his hand a tin candlestick the size of a dinner plate containing a tallow candle with stately step he marched into the spacious cellar with Jacob and three little girls dressed in red flannel at his heels. As the farmers paid the interest on their mortgages in barrels of pork, head cheese, poultry, eggs and cider the cellars were well crowded for the winter making the master of an establishment quite indifferent to all questions of finance. We heard nothing in those days of greenbacks silver coinage or a gold basis laden with vegetables, butter, eggs and a magnificent turkey Peter and his followers returned to the kitchen there seated on a big ironing table we watched the dressing and roasting of the bird in a tin oven in front of the fire. Jacob peeled the vegetables we all sang and Peter told us marvelous stories for tea he made flapjacks baked in a pan with a long handle which he turned by throwing the cake up and skillfully catching it descending. Peter was a devout Episcopalian and took great pleasure in helping the young people decorate the church he would take us with him and show us how to make evergreen wreaths like Mary's lamb wherever he went we were sure to go his love for us was unbounded and fully returned he was the only being visible or invisible of whom we had no fear we would go to divine service with Peter Christmas morning and sit with him by the door in what was called the negro pew he was the only colored member of the church and after all the other communicans had taken the sacrament he went alone to the altar dressed in a new suit of blue with gilt buttons he looked like a prince as with head erect he walked up the aisle the grandest specimen of manhood in the whole congregation and yet so strong was prejudiced against color in 1823 that no one would kneel beside him on leaving us on one of these occasions Peter told us all to sit still until he returned but no sooner had he started than the youngest of us slowly followed after him and seated herself close beside him as he came back holding the child by the hand what a lesson it must have been to that prejudiced congregation the first time we entered the church together the sexton opened a white man's pew for us telling Peter to leave the judge's children there oh he said they will not stay there without me but as he could not enter we instinctively followed him to the negro pew our next great fet was on the anniversary of the birthday of our republic the festivities were numerous and protracted beginning then as now at midnight with bonfires and cannon while the day was ushered in with the ringing of bells a tremendous cannon aiding and a continuous popping of firecrackers and torpedoes then a procession of soldiers and citizens marched through the town an oration was delivered the declaration of independence read and a great dinner given in the open air under the trees in the grounds of the old courthouse each toast was announced with the booming of cannon on these occasions Peter was in his element and showed us whatever he considered worth seeing but I cannot say that I enjoyed very much either general training or the fourth of July for in addition to my fear of cannon and torpedoes my sympathies were deeply touched by the sadness of our cook whose drunken father always cut antics in the streets on gala days the central figure in all the sports of the boys much to the mortification of his worthy daughter she wept bitterly over her father's public exhibition of himself and told me in what a condition he would come home to his family at night I would gladly have stayed in with her all day but the fear of being called a coward compelled me to go through those trying ordeals as my nerves were all on the surface no words can describe what I suffered with those explosions great and small and my fears less King George and his minions should reappear among us I thought that if he had done all the dreadful things stated in the declaration of 76 he might come again burn our houses and drive us all into the street Sir William Johnson's mansion of solid masonry gloomy and threatening still stood in our neighborhood I had seen the marks of the Indians tomahawk on the balustrades and heard of the bloody deems there and acted for all the calamities of the nation I believed King George responsible at home and at school we were educated to hate the English when we remember that every fourth of July the declaration was read with emphasis and the orator of the day rounded all his glowing periods with denunciations of the mother country we need not wonder at the national hatred of everything English our patriotism in those days was measured by our dislike of Great Britain in September occurred the great event the review of the county militia popularly called training day then everybody went to the race course to see the troops and buy what the farmers had brought in their wagons there was a peculiar kind of gingerbread and molasses candy to which we retreated on those occasions associated in my mind to this day with military reviews and standing armies other pleasures were roaming in the forest and sailing on the mill pond one day when there were no boys at hand and several girls were impatiently waiting for a sale on a raft my sister and I volunteered to mend the expedition we always acted on the assumption that what we had seen done we could do accordingly we all jumped on the raft loosened it from its moorings in a way we went with the current navigation on that mill pond was performed with long poles but unfortunately we could not lift the poles and we soon saw we were drifting toward the dam but we had the presence of mind to sit down and hold fast to the raft fortunately we went over right side up and gracefully glided down the stream until rescued by the ever watchful Peter I did not hear the last of that voyage for a long time I was called the captain of the expedition and one of the boys wrote a composition which he read in school describing the adventure and emphasizing the ignorance of the laws of navigation shown by the officers in command I shed tears many times over that performance End of chapter one This recording is in the public domain This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Becky Miller, Canal Winchester, Ohio Eighty years and more by Elizabeth Cady Stanton Chapter 2 School Days When I was eleven years old two events occurred which changed considerably the current of my life My only brother who had just graduated from Union College came home to die A young man of great talent and promise he was the pride of my father's heart We early felt that this son filled a larger place in our father's affections and future plans than the five daughters together Well do I remember how tenderly he watched my brother in his last illness the size and tears he gave vent to as he slowly walked up and down the hall and when the last sad moment came and we were all assembled to say farewell in the silent chamber of death how broken were his utterances as he knelt and prayed for comfort and support I so recall too going into the large darkened parlor to see my brother and finding the casket mirrors and pictures all draped in white and my father seated by his side pale and immovable as he took no notice of me after standing a long while I climbed upon his knee when he mechanically put his arm about me and with my head resting against his beating heart we both sat in silence he thinking of the wreck of all his hopes in the loss of a dear son and I wondering what could be said or done to fill the void in his breast At length he heaved a deep sigh and said oh my daughter I wish you were a boy throwing my arms about his neck I replied I will try to be all my brother was then and there I resolved that I would not give so much time as here to for to play but would study and strive to be at the head of all my classes and thus delight my father's heart all that day and far into the night I pondered the problem of boyhood I thought that the chief thing to be done in order to equal boys was to be learned and courageous so I decided to study Greek and learn to manage a horse having formed this conclusion I fell asleep my resolutions unlike many such made at night did not vanish with the coming light I arose early and hastened to put them into execution they were resolutions never to be forgotten destined to mold my character anew as soon as I was dressed I hastened to our good pastor Reverend Simon Hossack who was always early at work in his garden doctor I said which do you like best boys or girls why girls to be sure I would not give you for all the boys in Christendom my father I replied prefers boys he wishes I was one and I intend to be as near like one as possible I'm going to ride on horseback and study Greek will you give me a Greek lesson now doctor I want to begin at once yes child said he throwing down his hoe come into my library and we will begin without delay he entered fully into the feeling of suffering and sorrow which took possession of me when I discovered that a girl weighed less in the scale of being than a boy and he praised my determination to prove the contrary the old grammar which he had studied in the University of Glasgow was soon in my hands and the Greek article was learned before breakfast then came the sad pageantry of death the weeping of friends the dark rooms the ghostly stillness the exhortation to the living to prepare for death the solemn prayer the mournful chant the funeral cortege the solemn tolling bell the burial how I suffered during those sad days what strange undefined fears of the unknown took possession of me for months afterward at the twilight hour I went with my father to the new maid grave near it stood two tall poplar trees against one of which I leaned while my father threw himself on the grave with outstretched arms as if to embrace his child at last the frosts and storms of November came and threw a chilling barrier between the living and the dead and we went there no more during all this time I kept up my lessons at the parsonage and made rapid progress I surprised even my teacher who thought me capable of doing anything I learned to drive and to leap a fence and ditch on horseback I taxed every power hoping some day to hear my father say well a girl is as good as a boy after all but he never said it when the doctor came over to spend the evening with us I would whisper in his ear tell my father how fast I get on and he would tell him and was lavish in his praises but my father only paced the room, sighed and showed that he wished I were a boy and I, not knowing why he felt thus would hide my tears of vexation on the doctor's shoulder soon after this I began to study Latin, Greek and mathematics with the class of boys in the academy many of whom were much older than I for three years one boy kept his place at the head of the class and I always stood next two prizes were offered in Greek I strove for one and took the second how well I remember my joy in receiving that prize there was no sentiment of ambition, rivalry or triumph over my companions nor feeling of satisfaction in receiving this honor in the presence of those assembled on the day of the exhibition one thought alone filled my mind now said I, my father will be satisfied with me so as soon as we were dismissed I ran down the hill, rushed breathless into his office laid the new Greek testament which was my prize on his table and exclaimed there, I got it! he took up the book asked me some questions about the class the teachers, the spectators and evidently pleased handed it back to me then while I stood looking and waiting for him to say something which would show that he recognized the equality of the daughter with the son he kissed me on the forehead and exclaimed with a sigh ah, you should have been a boy my joy was turned to sadness I ran to my good doctor he chased my bitter tears away and soothed me with unbounded praises and visions of future success he was then confined to the house with his last illness he asked me that day if I would like to have when he was gone the old lexicon, testament and grammar that we had so often thumbed together yes, but I would rather have you stay I replied for what can I do when you were gone? oh, he said tenderly I shall not be gone my spirit will still be with you watching you in all life struggles noble generous friend he had but little on earth to bequeath to anyone but when the last scene in his life was ended and his will was opened sure enough there was a clause saying my Greek lexicon, testament and grammar and four volumes of Scott's commentaries I will to Elizabeth Cady I never look at these books without a feeling of thankfulness that in childhood I was blessed with such a friend and teacher I can truly say after an experience of 70 years that all the cares and anxieties the trials and disappointments of my whole life are light when balanced with my sufferings in childhood and youth from the theological dogmas which I sincerely believed and the gloom connected with everything associated with the name of religion the church, the parsonage, the graveyard and the solemn tolling bell everything connected with death was then rendered inexpressibly dolerous the body covered with a black paw was born on the shoulders of men the mourners were in crepe and walked with bowed heads the neighbors who had tears to shed did so copiously and summoned up their saddest facial expressions at the grave came the sober warnings to the living and sometimes frightful prophecies as to the state of the dead all this pageantry of woe and visions of the unknown land beyond the tomb often haunted my midnight dreams and shadowed the sunshine of my days the parsonage with its bare walls and floors its shriveled mistress and her blind sister more like ghostly shadows than human flesh and blood the two black servants racked with rheumatism and odoriferous with a pungent oil they used in the vain hope of making their weary limbs more supple the aged parson buried in his library in the midst of musty books and papers all this only added to the gloom of my surroundings the church which was bare with no furnace to warm us no organ to gladden our hearts no choir to lead our songs of praise and harmony was sadly lacking in all attractions for the youthful mind the preacher shut up in an octagonal box high above our heads gave us sermons over an hour long and the chorister in a similar box below him intoned line after line of David's Psalms while like a flock of sheep at the heels of their shepherd the congregation without regard to time or tune straggled after their leader years later the introduction of stoves a violin cello, Wesley's hymns and a choir split the church in twain these old Scotch Presbyterians were opposed to all innovations that would afford their people paths of flowery ease on the road to heaven so when the thermometer was twenty degrees below zero on the Johnstown Hills four hundred feet above the Mohawk Valley we trudged along through the snow foot stoves in hand to the cold hospitalities of the Lord's House there to be chilled to the very core by listening to sermons on predestination justification by faith and eternal damnation to be restless or to fall asleep under such solemn circumstances was a sure evidence of total depravity and of the mechanisms of the devil striving to turn one's heart from God in his ordinances as I was guilty of these shortcomings and many more I early believed myself a veritable child of the evil one and suffered endless fears lest he should come some night and claim me as his own to me he was a personal ever-present reality sitting in a dark corner of the nursery ah how many times have I stolen out of bed and sat shivering on the stairs where the hall lamp and the sound of voices from the parlor would in a measure mitigate my terror thanks to a vigorous constitution and overflowing animal spirits I was able to endure for years the strain of these depressing influences until my reasoning powers and common sense triumphed at last over my imagination the memory of my own suffering has prevented me from ever shadowing one young soul with any of the superstitions of the Christian religion but there have been many changes even in my native town since those dark days our old church was turned into a mitten factory and the pleasant home of machinery and the glad faces of men and women have chased the evil spirits to their hiding places one finds at Johnstown now beautiful churches ornamented cemeteries and cheerful men and women quite emancipated from the nonsense and terrors of the old theologies an important event in our family circle was the marriage of my oldest sister Trefina to Edward Bayard of Wilmington, Delaware he was a graduate of Union College a classmate of my brother and frequently visited my father's house at the end of his college course he came with his brother Henry to study law in Johnstown a quiet retired little village was thought to be a good place in which to sequester young men bent on completing their education as they were there safe from the temptations and distracting influences of large cities in addition to this consideration my father's reputation made his office a desirable resort for students who furthermore not only improved their opportunities by reading Blackstone Kent and Story but also by making love to the judges' daughters we thus had the advantage of many pleasant acquaintances from the leading families in the country and in this way it was that four of the sisters eventually selected most worthy husbands though only 21 years of age when married Edward Bayard was a tall, fully developed man remarkably fine looking with cultivated literary taste and a profound knowledge of human nature and affectionate generous to a fault in giving and serving he was soon a great favorite in the family and gradually filled the void made in all our hearts by the loss of the brother and son my father was so fully occupied with the duties of his profession which often called him from home and my mother so weary with the cares of a large family having had ten children though only five survived at this time but they were quite willing to shift their burdens to younger shoulders our eldest sister and her husband therefore soon became our counselors and advisors they selected our clothing, books, schools, acquaintances and directed our reading and amusements thus the reigns of domestic government little by little passed into their hands and the family arrangements were in a manner greatly improved in favor of greater liberty for the children the advent of Edward and Henry Bayard was an inestimable blessing to us with them came an era of picnics, birthday parties and endless amusements the buying of pictures, fairy books musical instruments and ponies and frequent excursions with parties on horseback fresh from college they made our lessons in Latin, Greek and mathematics so easy that we studied with real pleasure and had more leisure for play Henry Bayard's chief pleasures were walking, riding and playing all manner of games from jack straws to chess with the three younger sisters and we have often said that the three years he passed in Johnstown were the most delightful of our girlhood immediately after the death of my brother a journey was planned to visit our grandmother Katie who lived in Canaan, Columbia County about twenty miles from Albany my two younger sisters and myself had never been outside of our own county before and the very thought of a journey roused our enthusiasm to the highest pitch on a bright day in September we started packed in two carriages we were wild with delight as we drove down the Mohawk Valley with its beautiful river and its many bridges and ferry boats when we reached Shenectady the first city we had ever seen we stopped to dine at the old Givens Hotel where we broke loose from all the moorings of propriety on beholding the paper on the dining room wall illustrating in brilliant colors the great events and sacred history there were the patriarchs with flowing beards and in gorgeous attire Abraham offering up Isaac Joseph with his coat of many colors thrown into a pit by his brethren Noah's ark on an ocean of waters Pharaoh and his host in the Red Sea Rebecca at the well Moses in the bull rushes all these distinguished personages were familiar to us and to see them here for the first time in living color made silence and eating impossible we dashed around the room calling to each other oh Kate look here oh Madge look there see little Moses see the angels on Jacob's ladder our exclamations could not be kept within bounds the guests were amused beyond description all my mother and elder sisters were equally mortified but Mr. Bayard who appreciated our childish surprise and delight smiled and said I'll take them around and show them the pictures and then they will be able to dine which we finally did on our way to Albany we were forced to listen to no end of dissertations on manners and severe criticisms on our behavior at the hotel but we were too happy and astonished with all we saw to take a subjective view of ourselves even Peter in his new livery who had not seen much more than we had while looking out of the corners of his eyes maintained a quiet dignity and conjured us not to act as if we had just come out of the woods and had never seen anything before however there are conditions in the child's soul in which repression is impossible when the mind takes in nothing but its own enjoyment and when even the sense of hearing is lost in that of sight the whole party awoke to that fact at last children are not actors we never had experienced anything like this journey and how could we help being surprised and delighted when we drove into Albany the first large city we had ever visited we exclaimed why it's general training here we had acquired our ideas of crowds from our country militia reviews fortunately there was no pictorial wallpaper in the old city hotel but the decree had gone forth that on the remainder of the journey our meals would be served in a private room with Peter to wait on us this seemed like going back to the nursery days and was very humiliating but eating even there was difficult as we could hear the band from the old museum and as our windows opened on the street the continual panorama of people and carriages passing by was quite as enticing as the Bible scenes in Shenectady in the evening we walked around to see the city lighted to look into the shop windows and to visit the museum the next morning we started for Canaan our enthusiasm still unabated though strong hopes were expressed that we would be toned down with the fatigues of the first day's journey the large farm with its cattle sheep, hens, ducks, turkeys and geese its creamery looms and spinning wheel its fruits and vegetables the drives among the grand old hills the blessed old grandmother and the many aunts, uncles and cousins to kiss all this kept us in a whirlpool of excitement our joy bubbled over of itself it was beyond our control after spending a delightful week at Canaan we departed with an addition to our party much to Peter's disgust of a bright, cold black boy of fifteen summers Peter kept grumbling that he had children enough to look after already but as the boy was handsome and intelligent could read, write, play on the juice harp and banjo, sing, dance and stand on his head we were charmed with this newfound treasure who proved later to be a great family blessing we were less vivacious on the return trip whether this was due to Peter's untiring efforts to keep us within bounds or whether the novelty of the journey was in a measure gone it is difficult to determine but we evidently were not so buoyant and were duly complimented on our good behavior when we reached home and told our village companions what we had seen in our extensive travels just seventy miles from home they were filled with wonder and we became heroines in their estimation after this we took frequent journeys to Saratoga the northern lakes, Utica and Peterborough but were never again so entirely swept from our feet as with the biblical illustrations in the dining room of the old Givens Hotel as my father's office joined the house I spent there much of my time when out of school listening to the clients stating their cases talking with the students and reading the laws in regard to women in our Scotch neighborhood many men still retained the old feudal ideas of women and property fathers that their death would will the bulk of their property to the eldest son with the proviso that the mother was to have a home with him hence it was not unusual for the mother who had brought all the property into the family to be made an unhappy dependent on the bounty of an uncongenial daughter-in-law and a dissipated son the tears and complaints of the women who came to my father for legal advice touched my heart and early drew my attention to the injustice and cruelty of the laws as the practice of the law was my father's business I could not exactly understand why he could not alleviate the sufferings of these women so in order to enlighten me he would take down his books and show me the inexorable statutes the students observing my interest would amuse themselves by reading to me all the worst laws they could find over which I would laugh and cry by turns one Christmas morning I went into the office to show them among other of my presence a new coral necklace and bracelets they all admired the jewelry and then began to tease me with hypothetical cases of future ownership now said Henry Bayard if in due time you should be my wife those ornaments would be mine I could take them and lock them up and you could never wear them except with my permission I could even exchange them for a box of cigars and you could watch them evaporate in smoke with this constant bantering from students and the sad complaints of the women my mind was sorely perplexed so when from time to time my attention was called to these odious laws I would mark them with a pencil becoming more and more convinced of the necessity of taking some active measures against these unjust provisions I resolved to seize the first opportunity when alone in the office to cut every one of them out of the books supposing my father and his library were the beginning and end of the law however this mutilation of his volumes was never accomplished for dear old Flora Campbell to whom I confided my plan the humiliation of the wrongs of my unhappy sex warned my father of what I proposed to do without letting me know that he had discovered my secret he explained to me one evening how laws were made the large number of lawyers and libraries that were all over the state and that if his library should burn up it would make no difference in women's condition when you were grown up and able to prepare a speech said he you must go down to Albany and talk to the legislators tell them all you have seen in this office the sufferings of these scotch women robbed of their inheritance and left dependent on their unworthy sons and if you can persuade them to pass new laws the old ones will be a dead letter thus was the future object of my life foreshadowed and my duty plainly outlined by him who was most opposed to my public career when in due time I entered upon it until I was sixteen years old I was a faithful student in the Johnstown Academy with a class of boys though I was the only girl in the higher classes of mathematics and languages yet in our plays all the girls and boys mingled freely together in running races, sliding downhill and snowballing we made no distinction of sex true the boys would carry the school books and pull the sleighs up hill for their favorite girls but equality was the general basis of our school relations I daresay the boys did not make their snowballs quite so hard when pelting the girls nor wash their faces with the same vehemence as they did each others but there was no public evidence of partiality however if any boy was too rough or took advantage of a girl smaller than himself he was promptly thrashed by his fellows there was an unwritten law and public sentiment in that little academy world that enabled us to study and play together the greatest freedom and harmony from the academy the boys of my class went to union college at Schenectady when those with whom I had studied and contended for prizes for five years came to bid me goodbye and I learned of the barrier that prevented me from following in their footsteps no girls admitted here my vexation and mortification knew no bounds I remember now how proud and handsome the boys looked in their new clothes as they jumped into the old stagecoach and drove off and how lonely I felt when they were gone and I had nothing to do for the plans for my future were yet undetermined again I felt more keenly than ever the humiliation of the distinctions made on the ground of sex my time was now occupied with riding on horseback studying the game of chess and continually squabbling with the law students over the rights of women something was always coming up in the experiences of everyday life or in the books we were reading to give us fresh topics for argument they would read passages from the British classics quite as aggravating as the laws they delighted in extracts from Shakespeare especially from the taming of the shrew an admirable satire in itself on the old common law of England I hated Petrucchio as if he were a real man young Baird would recite with unction the famous reply of Milton's ideal woman to Adam God thy law, thou mine the bible too was brought into requisition in fact it seemed to me that every book taught the divinely ordained headship of man but my mind never yielded to this popular heresy end of chapter 2 this recording is in the public domain this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Becky Miller Canal Winchester, Ohio eighty years and more by Elizabeth Cady Stanton Chapter 3 Girlhood Mrs. Willard's Seminary at Troy was the fashionable school in my girlhood and in the winter of 1830 with upward of a hundred other girls I found myself an active participant in all the joys and sorrows of that institution when in family council it was decided to send me to that intellectual Mecca I did not receive the announcement with unmixed satisfaction as I had fixed my mind on Union College the thought of a school without boys who had been to me such a stimulus both in study and play seemed to my imagination dreary and profitless the one remarkable feature of my journey to Troy was the railroad from Shenectady to Albany the first ever laid in this country the manner of ascending a high hill going out of the city would now strike engineers as stupid to the last degree the passenger cars were pulled up by a train loaded with stones descending the hill the more rational way of tunneling through the hill the ground it had not yet dawned on our Dutch ancestors at every step of my journey to Troy I felt that I was treading on my pride and thus in a hopeless frame of mind I began my boarding school career I had already studied everything that was taught there except French music and dancing so I devoted myself to these accomplishments as I had a good voice I enjoyed singing with a guitar accompaniment and having a good ear for time harmony and music and motion and took great delight in dancing the large house the society of so many girls the walks about the city the novelty of everything made the new life more enjoyable than I had anticipated to be sure I missed the boys with whom I had grown up played with for years and later measured my intellectual powers with but as they became a novelty there was a new zest in occasionally seeing them after I had been there a short time I heard a call one day heads out! I ran with the rest and exclaimed what is it? expecting to see a giraffe or some other wonder from Barnum's museum why don't you see those boys said one oh I replied is that all I have seen boys all my life when visiting family friends in the city we were in the way of making the acquaintance of their sons and as all social relations were strictly forbidden there was a new interest in seeing them as they were not allowed to call upon us or write notes unless they were brothers or cousins we had in time a large number of kinsmen there was an intense interest to me now in writing notes receiving calls and joining the young men in the streets for a walk such as I had never known when in constant association with them at school and in our daily amusements shut up with girls most of them older than myself I heard many subjects discussed of which I had never thought before and in a manner it were better I had never heard the healthful restraint always existing between boys and girls in conversation is apt to be relaxed with either sex alone in all my intimate association with boys up to that period I cannot recall one word or act for criticism but I cannot say the same of the girls during the three years I passed at the seminary in Troy my own experience proves to me that it is a grave mistake to send boys and girls to separate institutions of learning especially at the most impressible age the stimulus of sex promotes a like healthy condition of the intellectual and the moral faculties and gives to both a development they never can acquire alone Mrs. Willard having spent several months in Europe did not return until I had been at seminary some time I well remember her arrival and the joy with which she was greeted by the teachers and pupils who had known her before she was a splendid looking woman then in her prime and fully realized my idea of a queen I doubt whether any royal personage in the old world could have received her worshippers with more grace and dignity than did this far famed daughter of the Republic she was one of the remarkable women of that period and did a great educational work for her sex she gave free scholarships to a large number of promising girls fitting them for teachers with a proviso that when the opportunity arose they should in turn educate others I shall never forget one incident that occasioned me much unhappiness I had written a very amusing composition describing my room a friend came in to see me just as I had finished it and as she asked me to read it to her I did so she enjoyed it very much and proposed an exchange she said the rooms were also nearly alike that with a little alteration she could use it being very susceptible to flattery her praise of my production won a ready ascent but when I read her platitudes I was sorry I had changed and still more so in the denoment those selected to prepare compositions read them before the whole school my friends was received with great laughter and applause the one I read not only fell flat but nearly prostrated me also as soon as I had finished one of the young ladies left the room and returning in a few moments with her composition book laid it before the teacher who presided that day showing her the same composition I had just read I was called up at once to explain but was so amazed and confounded that I could not speak and I looked to the personification of guilt I saw at a glance the contemptible position I occupied and felt as if the last day had come that I stood before the judgment seat and had heard the awful sentence pronounced depart ye wicked into everlasting punishment how I escaped from that scene to my own room I do not know I was too wretched for tears I sat alone for a long time when a gentle tap announced my betrayer she put her arms around me affectionately and kissed me again and again oh she said you're a hero you went through that trying ordeal like a soldier I was so afraid when you were pressed with questions that the whole truth would come out and I'd be forced to stand in your place I am not so brave as you I could not endure it now that you were through it and know how bitter a trial it is promise that you will save me from the same experience you are so good and noble I know you will not betray me in this supreme moment of misery and disgrace her loving words and warm embrace were like balm to my bruised soul and I readily promised all she asked the girl had penetrated the weak point in my character I loved flattery through that means she got my composition in the first place pledged me to silence in the second place and so confused my moral perceptions that I really thought it praiseworthy to shelter her from what I had suffered however without betrayal on my part the trick came to light through the very means she took to make concealment sure after compositions were read they were handed over to a certain teacher for criticism Miss X had copied mine and returned to me the original I had not copied hers so the two were in the same handwriting one with my name outside and one with Miss X's as I stood well in school both for scholarship and behavior my sudden fall from grace occasioned no end of discussion so as soon as the teacher discovered the two compositions in Miss X's writing she came to me to inquire how I got one of Miss X's compositions she said where is yours you wrote for that day taking it from my portfolio I replied here it is she then asked did you copy it from her book I replied no I wrote it myself then why did you not read your own we agreed to change said I did you know that Miss X had copied that from the book of another young lady no not until I was accused of doing it myself before the whole school why did not you defend yourself on the spot I could not speak neither did I know what to say why have you allowed yourself to remain in such a false position for a whole week I did not know suppose I had not found this out did you intend to keep silent yes I replied did Miss X ask you to do so yes I had been a great favourite with this teacher but she was so disgusted with my stupidity as she called my timidity that she said really my child you have not acted in this matter as if you had ordinary common sense so little do grown people in familiar surroundings appreciate the confusion of a child's faculties under new and trying experiences when poor Miss X's turn came to stand up before the whole school to take the burden on her own shoulders she had so cunningly laid on mine I readily shed the tears for her I could not summon for myself this was my first sad lesson in human duplicity this episode unfortunately destroyed in a measure my confidence in my companions and made me suspicious even of those who came to me with appreciative words up to this time I had accepted all things as they seemed on the surface now I began to wonder what lay behind the visible conditions about me perhaps the experience was beneficial as it is quite necessary for a young girl thrown wholly on herself for the first time among strangers to learn caution in all she says and does the atmosphere of home life where all disguises and pretensions are thrown off is quite different from a large school of girls with the petty jealousies and antagonisms that arise in daily competition in their dress studies, accomplishments, and amusements the next happening in Troy that seriously influenced my character was the advent of the Reverend Charles G. Finney a pulpit orator who as a terrifier of human souls proved himself the equal of Savanarola he held a protracted meeting in the Reverend Dr. Beeman's church which many of my schoolmates attended the result of six weeks of untiring effort on the part of Mr. Finney and his confreres was one of those intense revival seasons that swept over the city and through the seminary like an epidemic attacking in its worst form the most susceptible owing to my gloomy Calvinistic training in the old Scotch Presbyterian church and my vivid imagination I was one of the first victims we attended all the public services beside the daily prayer and experience meetings held in the seminary our studies for the time held a subordinate place to the more important duty of saving our souls to state the idea of conversion and salvation as then understood one can readily see from our present standpoint that nothing could be more puzzling and harrowing to the young mind the revival fairly started the most excitable were soon on the anxious seat there we learned the total depravity of human nature and the sinner's awful danger of everlasting punishment this was enlarged upon until the most innocent girl believed herself a monster of iniquity and felt certain of eternal damnation then God's hatred of sin was emphasized and his irreconcilable position toward the sinner so justified that one felt like a miserable, helpless, forsaken worm of the dust in trying to approach him even in prayer having brought you into a condition of profound humility the only cardinal virtue for one under conviction in the depths of your despair you were told that it required no herculean effort on your part to be transformed into an angel to be reconciled to God to escape endless perdition the way to salvation was short and simple we had not to do but to repent and believe and give our hearts to Jesus who was ever ready to receive them how to do all this was the puzzling question talking with Dr. Finney one day I said I cannot understand what I am to do if you should tell me to go to the top of the church steeple and jump off I would readily do it if thereby I could save my soul but I do not know how to go to Jesus repent and believe said he that is all you have to do to be happy here and hereafter I am very sorry I replied for all the evil I have done and I believe all you tell me and the more sincerely I believe the more unhappy I am with the natural reaction from despair to hope many of us imagined ourselves converted prayed and gave our experiences in the meetings and at times rejoiced in the thought that we were Christians chosen children of God rather than sinners and outcasts but Dr. Finney's terrible anathemas on the depravity and deceitfulness of the human heart soon shorten our newborn hopes his appearance in the pulpit on his memorable occasions is indelibly impressed on my mind I can see him now his great eyes rolling around the congregation and his arms flying about in the air like those of a windmill one evening he described hell and the devil and the long profession of sinners being swept down the rapids about to make the awful plunge into the burning depths of liquid fire below and the rejoicing hosts in the inferno coming up to meet them with the shouts of the devils echoing through the vaulted arches he suddenly halted and pointing his index finger at the supposed procession he exclaimed there do you not see them I was brought up to such a pitch that I actually jumped up and gazed in the direction to which he pointed while the picture glowed before my eyes and remained with me for months afterward I cannot forbear saying that although high respect is due to the intellectual moral and spiritual gifts of the venerable ex-president of Oberlin College such preaching worked in calculable harm to the very souls he sought to save fear of the judgment seized my soul visions of the lost haunted my dreams mental anguish prostrated my health the dethronement of my reason was apprehended by friends but he was sincere so peace to his ashes returning home I often at night roused my father from his slumbers to pray for me lest I should be cast into the bottomless pit before morning to change the current of my thoughts a trip was planned to Niagara and it was decided that the subject of religion was to be tabooed all together interestingly our party consisting of my sister her husband my father and myself started in our private carriage and for six weeks I heard nothing on the subject about this time Gaul and Spurtzheim published their works on phrenology followed by Combe's Constitution of Man his moral philosophy and many other liberal works also rational and opposed to the old theologies that they produced a profound impression on my brother-in-law's mind as we had these books with us reading and discussing by the way we all became deeply interested in the new ideas thus after many months of weary wandering in the intellectual labyrinth of the fall of man original sin total depravity God's wrath Satan's triumph the crucifixion the atonement and salvation by faith I found my way out of the darkness into the clear sunlight of truth my religious superstitions gave place to rational ideas based on scientific facts and in proportion as I looked at everything from a new standpoint I grew more and more happy day by day thus with a delightful journey in the month of June an entire change in my course of reading and the current of my thoughts my mind was restored to its normal condition I view it as one of the greatest crimes to shadow the minds of the young with these gloomy superstitions and with fears of the unknown and the unknowable to poison all their joy in life after the restraints of childhood at home and in school what a period of irrepressible joy and freedom comes to us in girlhood with the first taste of liberty then as our individuality in a measure recognized and our feelings and opinions consulted then we decide where and when we will come and go what we will eat drink where and do to suit one's own fancy in clothes to buy what one likes and where what one chooses is a great privilege to most young people to go out at pleasure to walk to ride to drive with no one to say us nay or question our right to liberty this is indeed like a birth into a new world of happiness and freedom this is the period too when the emotions rule us and we idealize everything in life when love and hope make the present an ecstasy and the future bright with anticipation then comes that dream of bliss that for weeks and months throws a halo of glory round the most ordinary characters in everyday life holding the strongest and most common sense young men and women in a thralldom from which few mortals escape the period when love in soft silver tones whispers his first words of adoration painting our graces and virtues day by day in living colors in poetry and prose stealthily punctuated ever and anon with a kiss or fond embrace what dignity it adds to a young girl's estimate of herself when some strong man makes her feel that in her hands rest his future peace and happiness though these seasons of intoxication may come once to all yet they are seldom repeated how often in afterlife we long for one more such rapturous dream of bliss one more season of supreme human love and passion after leaving school until my marriage I had the most pleasant years of my girlhood with frequent visits to a large circle of friends and relatives in various towns and cities the monotony of home life was sufficiently broken to make our simple country pleasures always delightful and enjoyable an entirely new life now opened to me the old bondage of fear of the visible and the invisible was broken and no longer subject to absolute authority I rejoiced in the dawn of a new day of freedom in thought and action my brother-in-law Edward Bayard ten years my senior was an inestimable blessing to me at this time especially as my mind was just then opening to the consideration of all the varied problems of life to me and my sisters he was a companion in all our amusements a teacher in the higher departments of knowledge and a counselor in all our youthful trials and disappointments he was of a metaphysical turn of mind and in the pursuit of truth was in no way trampled by popular superstitions he took nothing for granted and like Socrates went about asking questions nothing pleased him more than to get a bevy of bright young girls about him and teach them how to think clearly and reason logically one great advantage of the years my sisters and myself spent at the Troy Seminary was the large number of pleasant acquaintances we made there many of which ripened into lifelong friendships from time to time many of our classmates visited us and all alike enjoyed the intellectual fencing in which my brother-in-law drilled them he discoursed with us on law, philosophy, political economy, history, and poetry and together we read novels without number the long winter evenings thus passed pleasantly Mr. Bayard alternately talking and reading aloud Scott, Bolwer, James, Cooper, and Dickens whose works were just then coming out in numbers from week to week always leaving us in suspense at the most critical point of the story our readings were varied with recitations, music, dancing, and games as we all enjoyed brisk exercise even with the thermometer below zero we took long walks and sleigh rides during the day and thus the winter months glided quickly by the glorious summer on those blue hills was a period of unmixed enjoyment at this season we arose at five in the morning for a long ride on horseback through the beautiful Mohawk Valley and over the surrounding hills every road and lane in that region was as familiar to us and our ponies as were the trees to the squirrels we frightened as we cantered by their favorite resorts part of the time Margaret Christie, a young girl of Scotch descent was a member of our family circle she taught us French music and dancing our days were too short for all we had to do for our time was not wholly given to pleasure we were required to keep our rooms in order mend and make our clothes and do our own ironing the latter was one of mother's politic requirements to make our laundry lists as short as possible ironing on hot days in summer was a sore trial to all of us but Miss Christie being of an inventive turn of mind soon taught us a short way out of it she folded and smoothed her undergarments with her hands and then sat on them for a specified time we all followed her example and thus utilized the hours devoted to our French lessons and while reading Corrine and Telemac in this primitive style we ironed our clothes but for dresses, collars and cuffs and pocket handkerchiefs we were compelled to wield the hot iron hence with these articles we used all due economy and my mother's objects was thus accomplished as I had become sufficiently philosophical to talk over my religious experiences calmly with my classmates who had been with me through the Finney revival meetings we all came to the same conclusion that we had passed through no remarkable change and that we had not been born again as they say they found our tastes and enjoyments the same as ever my brother-in-law explained to us the nature of the delusion we had all experienced the physical conditions, the mental processes the church machinery by which such excitements are worked up and the impositions to which credulous minds are necessarily subjected as we had all been through that period of depression and humiliation and had been oppressed at times with the feeling that all our professions were errant hypocrisy and that our last state was worse than our first he helped us to understand these workings of the human mind and reconciled us to the more rational condition in which we've now found ourselves he never grew weary of expounding principles to us and dissipating the fogs and mists that gather over young minds educated in an atmosphere of superstition we had a constant source of amusement and vexation in the students in my father's office a succession of them was always coming fresh from college and full of conceit aching to try their powers of debate on graduates from the Troy Seminary they politely questioned all our theories and assertions however with my brother-in-law's training in analysis and logic we were a match for any of them nothing pleased me better than a long argument with them on women's equality which I tried to prove by a diligent study of the books they read and the games they played I confess that I did not study so much for a love of the truth or my own development in those days as to make those young men recognize my equality I soon noticed that after losing a few games of chess my opponent talked less of masculine superiority Sister Madd would occasionally rush to the defense with an emphatic fudge for these laws all made by man I'll never obey one of them and as to the students with their impertinent talk of superiority all they need is such a shaking up as I gave the most disagreeable one yesterday I invited him to take a ride on horseback he accepted promptly and said he would be most happy to go accordingly I told Peter to saddle the toughest mouthed hardest trotting carriage horse in the stable mounted on my swift pony I took a ten-mile candor as fast as I could go with that superior being at my heels calling as he found breath for me to stop which I did at last and left him in the hands of Peter half dead at his hotel where he will be laid out with all his marvelous masculine virtues for a week at least now do not waste your arguments on these prigs from Union College take each in turn the ten-mile circuit on old Boney and they'll have no breath left to parade of woman's inferiority you might argue with them all day and you could not make them feel so small as I made that Pop and Jay feel in one hour I knew old Boney would keep up with me if he died for it and that my escort would neither stop nor dismount except by throwing himself from the saddle Oh, Madd I exclaimed, what will you say when he meets you again? if he complains I will say the next time you ride see that you have a curb bit before starting surely a man ought to know what is necessary to manage a horse and not expect a woman to tell him our lives were still further varied and intensified by the usual number of flirtations so-called more or less lasting or evanescent from all of which I emerged as from my religious experiences in a more rational frame of mind we had been too much in the society of boys and young gentlemen and knew too well their real character to idealize the sex in general in addition to our own observations we had the advantage of our brother-in-law's wisdom wishing to save us as long as possible from all matrimonial entanglements he was continually unveiling those with whom he associated and so critically portraying their intellectual and moral condition that it was quite impossible in our most worshipful moods to make gods of any of the sons of Adam however in spite of all our own experiences and of all the warning words of wisdom from those who had seen life in its many phases we entered the charmed circle at last all but one marrying into the legal profession with its odious statute laws and infamous decisions and this after reading Blackstone, Kent and Story and thoroughly understanding the status of the wife under the old common law of England which was in force at that time in most of the states of the Union End of Chapter 3 This recording is in the public domain