 This is the rhythm of Will Augsburg at his orchestra, the great song styles of Connie Haynes and Bob Matthews. And that humpy-dumpy little daddy's boy, who went and asked what he'd like to give his father next to him, quickly replied. Castella, you've got mine, lady! Castella, you've got the wackiest family I've ever saw. Yesterday they were all walking around the house, all walking around the house carrying stimes. Well, we've got to do that, Abbott. We're picketing the kitchen. Picketing the kitchen? Of course. Shorter hours between meals and longer spaghetti. And another thing, Castella, I noticed that you've got three police dogs sleeping in your parlor. When did you buy them? We didn't. Them police dogs, they don't belong to us, Abbott. Then what are they doing in your parlor? They'll finance, cutely, put them down to watch the furniture. Castella, look here. All right, look, please. How can you have all your relatives living with you? We put bleachers in our guest rooms. Oh, please. What a bunch. I noticed your Uncle Audie Stevens has a very bad cold. How does that happen? Well, you see, Uncle Audie sleeps with his pet skunk. And at two o'clock in the morning, the skunk got up and opened the window. No, that's great, Ziggy. Ah, yes. Ah, yes, yes, yes. That's very dangerous. Tell me, Castella. Will you listen to me, please? Is your Uncle Mike still living with you? I beg your pardon? Is your Uncle Mike still living with you? Oh, my Uncle Mike. You know, I was lost for a second? Oh, you sure? Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's great. And he's very helpful around the house. He is. Last week, he connected the radio up to the washing machine. What good is that? Now, every time my mother washes topspread flannels, Frank Sinatra sings, Supersod, Supersod, lots of more Supersod. What's the matter with you? Supersod? Yeah, you said that. We get a taste of Supersod. All right. All right, we get it. But that's not the point. Your father should ask him to move. Oh, he will when he finds out that Uncle Mike hung the shower curtains in the living room. He hung the shower curtains in the living room? What happened? What happened? Well, my Aunt May went to take a bath. She slipped off her bathrobe, grabbed the soap, pulled back the shower curtains, and stepped right out on the front porch. And she sang, Supersod! Look, Castella, what became of your cousin, Tilly? Doesn't she live at your house anymore? Oh, no, we had to get rid of Tilly, Abbot. She was ruining our front hall. Tilly was ruining your front hall? Yeah, she's so bullied, she scraped all the paper off the wall. Tell me, Castella, how did your cousin, Tilly, get so bullied? That was caused by the chips she took coming from Paterson to Hollywood. Oh, no, no, no. How could Tilly's trip from New Jersey to California make her bully? She hitch-piked a ride on an air truck. Castella, why did your family ever come to California in the first place? Well, my Uncle Mike came out here to sell his invention. He invented magnetized cheese for catching rats. Magnetized cheese for catching rats? Yes. And this cheese is so powerful that any rat will stick to it like glue. Well, why does your Uncle Mike sell it? He can't get it out of his hands. Oh, that's preposterous. All your Uncle Mike does around here is go to the racetrack. I saw him out there Saturday. He had to go to the racetrack, had he? To work on his new experiment. He's crossing a horse with a fish. Now, wait a minute, Castella. That's impossible. Nobody can cross a horse with a fish. Well, I heard him tell my aunt May that he put a fin on a horse's nose. All right, look. Castella, you're a nimble soul. Why do you continually insist on showing your ignorance? What's the good of having ignorance if you can't show it? You are even dumber than your Uncle Mike. Why did your aunt May ever marry him? She married Uncle Mike because she reminded her of her first seven husbands. Your aunt May had seven husbands, and they were all like your Uncle Mike. What a gamble she took with love. Yeah, she finally hit the jerk pot. The judge. Castella, I said, I was with your father, living with a bunch of parasites. What did you say? I said, you're relatives of parasites. That's a lie. They are not parasites. They're Americans just like you and me. Castella, why don't you do something to make your father happy with you? Look, why don't you go out and get a job? I'll do that, Abbott, because I promised my mother I would never hurt anybody's feelings. You're getting a job that couldn't hurt anybody's feelings. It could hurt mine. Besides, I tried to get a job in the Air Force as a bombardier, but they turned me down. Yeah, I don't believe that. Okay, I'll read you this Friday they sent me. Here it says, right here. Dear Luc Costello, we cannot use you in the Air Force as a bombardier. The general listened to your program last Thursday night, and he said Costello may be all right on the radio, but how do we know he can raise those eggs from 10,000 feet? God, get them out of here! Romantic Bob Matthews, with Will Osborn and the Ark is for Bob Singh. There is no use. There is sadness, people. There's no reason cause summer is dying. That in my heart, there's no gladness, people. How long can we see each other before? Throw me clouds, cover, cover. Our favorite mix, in the water. And we capture that summer time rapture. And from that day, nevermore. Well, Costello, there's a taxi, call him. Call a taxi? Yeah, call him. Oh, taxi, taxi! Hey, hey, Kevin, are you okay? No, but I'm going steady. Okay, okay, hop in! Hop in! I'll take you down to the department, so you can get a present for your father. How did you know we were going there? I got a script, too. If your father wasn't my landlord, I'd fire you off this show tonight, brother. Oh, yeah? And if I wasn't bigger than you, I'd punch you right in the nose. It so happens that I am bigger than you. That's a better reason. Oh, come on, Costello, let's go, before the store closes. My goodness, Costello, this department store is certainly crowded. Oh, this is nothing. You should have been here with me Saturday. They had a sale on men's trousers. What a mob. How them women were grabbing the stuff. One little short woman in back of me kept powering. I got to get some trousers for my husband. I got to get some trousers for my husband. Did you get them? He must have. I went home without my pants. Now, beg your pardon, Patty Boy. Aren't you Lucas Colo? Yeah, that's me. Well, I've been following you all around the store. I got a very important message for you. It's a special delivery. A special delivery? No, a telegraph. And it's a 50 cents collect. Okay, here's a 50 cents. Oh, thanks. I'll bring them to you. Happy Father's Day to you. Happy Father's Day to you. Happy Father's Day to you. Lucas the hill, Lucas the hill, Lucas the hill, Lucas Colo. No, but never. Well, who shut that telegraph? I did. You did. Well, in the first place, this isn't Father's Day. And in the second place, you don't even know me. That's right. But can you think of a better way to make a half a buck? Not so long yet, chubby little rascal. That's what you get for talking to strangers, Gus Colo. But come on. We've got to find a present for your father. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. There's the undies department and I need some. Hey, Clark. What's on your mind? Wrap round and repulsive. I'd like to see some underwear that would fit me. Who wouldn't? Lucas, what are you lying to me? Who's your information, chubby? This is a lady's land savings department. And I am a model three. A model three? You look more like a model three. Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh. Young man, be careful how you talk to that lady. She may be a woman. Boy, this girl is suffering. This girl is suffering from too much health. They have a problem. We can't. The manpower commission froze him to this job. Yeah, well, remind me to defrost him in the morning. Hey, Colo. There's the notion counter over there. Maybe we could get something there, huh? Oh, look at that girl behind the counter. She'd be beautiful. Woo! Gorgeous. Have you got any notions? No. And if you all got any, you'd better get rid of them. Oh, the tacky. Then he's 65 and it's all the way 200. Oh, the tacky. Then he's 65 and it's all the way 270 pounds. And yesterday, a fresh guy like you flirted with me and my daddy bashed his head in. Now, what do you want? Gloves, socks, or handcuffs? I'll take an aspirin. Hey, look, Crisella. Now, there's something that would be very nice for your father. A nice soft pillow filled up with down. Up with down. Oh, friendly. You see that pillow up there? That's down. How can it be down if it's up there? You tell me, I'm not talking about where it is. I'm talking about what it is. The pillow is up, but it's down. It's up, but it's down. Abbott, are we both looking at the same pillow? Of course, of course. That pillow up there. Then you admit that the pillow is up. Certainly it's up, but it's down. Look, I've been watching that pillow and it ain't moved yet. It's still up there. That's right. You just said it was down. How did it get down? It didn't get down. It is down. It's always been down. That pillow is down even when it's up. One of us is next. Right up. That pillow is down, Castella. You get down off a duck's back. That's a lie. I never even got up on a duck's back. Nice. I didn't say you got up on a duck's back. I said you get down off a duck's back. How can I get down off a duck if I never got on a duck's back? You don't get off a duck's back if you don't get on it. Now listen here, dummy. When I say the pillow is down, I don't mean down like in the direction down. I mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck's back. And that kind of down can be up or down and it's still down. Oh, when you say the pillow is down, you don't mean down like the direction down. You mean down like the kind of down you get when you get down off a duck's back. And that kind of down can be up or down, and it's still down. Now you've got it. Oh, I got it. I don't even know what I'm talking about. Get him out of here. Ladies, hold on now. Here's lovely Connie Haynes with a kiss. A kiss? Good night. A kiss, good night, is all right. But remember this, that a kiss, good night, never kiss. Well, the whole real time is nothing short of bliss. And a kiss, good night, leads to another and some complete lies are keeping. A three or four goes a kiss. You kiss me once, you kiss me twice, oh baby, how you kiss me so nice. I will suggest your name. You kiss me again. A kiss, good night. Well, Castella, we've been all through this on you still haven't bought your father's present. I don't know what to get him out of it. Every time I get him a present, he loses it. Last year I bought him a watch. He lost it. You bought him a watch and he lost it. Yeah. How did he lose it? He couldn't keep up the payment. All right. Oh, talk to him, Castella. Well, look, hey, there's your Aunt Eva in the sporting goods department. Now I wonder what she's shopping for. Oh, she's going to buy my Uncle Tom a shotgun. Did your Uncle Tom tell her what kind of a shotgun to get? No. He don't even know she's going to shoot him. And Eva is very mean to your Uncle Tom. He is not. Two years ago she made him a sponge cake. A sponge cake? Yep. He still uses it every time he takes a bath. Well, now that's silly, Castella. Look, why don't you get your father a book or something to amuse him? I couldn't do that, Abbot. Last Christmas I got him an electric train to play with and he had a terrible accident. Oh, now, come, come. How did your father have an accident with a toy train? He was running it in the living room and when the train went by, he thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it. All right. He thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it. He's dead. Well, I've got to figure out the second time. All right. Say it again, then. I don't care. He thought he saw an empty seat and he jumped for it. All right. You know seats are plastic, Abbot. Yeah, all right. Hold on. I've got an idea. Why don't you get him something to wear? Hey, how about a full dress suit? Oh, you know my father in a fancy dresser? Your mother should make him dress up. Dress up? Why, my mother has to sprinkle text around the house to get him to wear shoes. Castella, there must be something that your father needs. I got it. I know exactly what he needs. What is it? I'll get him a vest with rubber pocket. What does your father need a vest with rubber pocket for? Because when he eats up, he always likes to take home the wet teabags. All right. All right. Stop it, Joker. Anything. Anything you get it, settle. Go ahead. Buy him the vest. And now, Castella, if you're going to step out with your father, you should get yourself a new seat. All your clothes look terrible. I can't help it. I wish I had somebody to pick up my clothes for me. Now, you know, I'm glad you said that, Castello. Because right here in this stall, they have the world's greatest authority on men's clothes. Ah, greetings, gentlemen. I am the world's greatest authority on men's styles, Professor Mellonhead. Better known as fashion place Mellonhead. Fashion what, Mellonhead? Fashion place. Place. Place. Your head looks more like a soup bowl. Hey, get away that shiny dome. I've seen more hair on a sense of toothbrush. Hello? Wherever I go, my head arouses admiration. Your head would arouse the mother instinct in an ostrich. And it would get results. Now, Castella, you should knock the professor's head. I've knocked better-looking things than that with a croquet mallet. Hey, Mellonhead, if you can get two more guys with heads like yours, hang your job. Doing what? Hanging out in front of a pawn shop. With a skull like yours, I'll bet you don't get any girls. No, for your information, Castello, I get more girls than I can shake a stick at. Yeah, but who wants to go around shaking sticks at girls? Oh, come, come, Castella. We're wasting time. Professor Mellonhead, you think you could make a well-dressed man out of Castella? Have it. I could make two well-dressed men out of him and have enough left over to make an overstuffed midget. Now, Castella, the trouble with you, Mr. Luke Castella, is that you're all in a shape. Look at you. Instead of your shoulders being square, your stomach is square. Well, I can't help it, Mellonhead. That's because I eat Wheaties. Wheaties? Eating Wheaties makes your stomach square? I eat the boxes, too. Now, Castella, look. To correct the slope in your shoulders, I will have to pad them up. What are you going to pad them up with? Down. Up with down? Down with up. Yeah. Get up! Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who's up first? Who's up first? All right, don't mind that, please. All right. Hold on. I'm sure there's anything in the crying. Shut up, Castella. The professor is only trying to help you. Of course, Mr. Abbott. No, I'm lost again. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Go right ahead, Professor. Thank you. Thank you. Right ahead, Professor. All right. All right. All right. All right. Who talks? Who talks? I do. Mr. Abbott is right. Mr. Abbott is right, Castella. You look like an embryo. You look like a embryo. Mr. You look like a embryo. You look like a embryo. You look like an embryonic warfress. Now look, what's the idea of wearing that locket around your neck? You shouldn't have mentioned that, Melonhead. I wear this locket as a remembrance to my old girlfriend, poor Ruby. In here is a locket of her hair. Oh, I'm sorry. Is Ruby gone? Nope. But her hair is old. Why are you irritating him, but still, if I were your father, I'd give you a Mickey. If you was my father, I'd take it. Come, come, Professor. All this is not getting Costello dressed up now. You're right, Abbott. Costello, how about your clothes? Do you have flannel? Yes. Do you have gabardine? Yes. Do you have twills? What? I said, do you have twills? Only when I go out with dirt. Good, good. All right. Now, Costello, I will repair your entire sortarial ensemble. First, I will put a zipper on your steersucker. I'll cut the braid edges off your cashmere. I will twist your tweed, shorten your shit. I'll take a sharp needle, put a few stitches in your wisted, and then I will run a hot iron over your herringbone. You wouldn't dare. You haven't got the nerve. Costello, don't cut me, Mellonhead. This time you have gone too far. I didn't say nothing when you took me for a sucker with that zipper. I kept my mouth shut when you put twisted tweed in my Chevrolet. I didn't squeal when you took that sharp needle and put stitches in that innocent cashier. When you took that hot iron and deliberately burned that poor herringbone, you not only appeared on my good name, but you have passed aspiration on Hart Shaffner and Groucho Mark. Oh, get her out of here. We've been listening to the Abbot and Costello show with Will Osburn and his orchestra, Ken Niles, and with songs by Bob Matthews and Cunninghane. In the time that remains, we present music by Harry Soznik and his orchestra, chorus and piano soloists.