 The other day, a prominent dating coach for men who helps men who are basically in their 20s and 30s learn the confidence to connect with women. He has over a million subscribers on his YouTube channel, reached out to me to ask my perspective on the idea of women who claim that men are emotionally unavailable and he wanted to know, what did that really mean? And I said to him, I think women have one perception of what it means, but this is what it actually means to them is what I said. I said, it's when a man isn't progressing the relationship forward, he usually gets labeled emotionally unavailable. Okay, let me repeat that. When a man isn't progressing the relationship forward, he's usually labeled emotionally unavailable. Now, the other reason why I think women label men this way is that when a man isn't speaking a woman's love language, he gets labeled emotionally unavailable. Now, if you're not familiar with the five love languages, I highly recommend checking out the book, Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Now, my suspicion is that most men's love language, I'll share with you the five love language, it's words of affirmation, or in my case, I'm a Leo, so it's words of adoration, acts of service, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. Those are the five primary love languages according to Gary Chapman. Now, I think what happens is women tend to be more words oriented and men tend to be more actions oriented. So when a man is doing things for a woman, it's not being received in the same way because a woman is, I was about to say expecting, but desiring the words of affection, a words of affirmation, a words of adoration, when men oftentimes don't use words to demonstrate love. They might do things like opening a car door. That's a demonstration of love by a man. Making sure your tires have enough air in them, that's a demonstration of love for a man. It might not be the words, it might be the actions. So I think in this particular case when he asked the question, he goes, wow, that really helps because I think there's some real confusion around emotional intimacy and I'm going to lean into this a moment talking about emotional intimacy. Now I was watching another video the other day by Rabbi Friedman. If you haven't been following his work, I highly recommend checking it out just because it's kind of ancient wisdom applied to today's dating marketplace. One of the things he said in his video is that a man knows within 90 days if he genuinely wants to be serious with someone. That's right. A man knows within 90 days. And what's interesting is I've interviewed hundreds and hundreds of men in happy relationships and they all seem to claim the same thing. I knew relatively early that I wanted a serious relationship with this person. I can speak for myself. There's a picture of my sweetheart and I right behind me. I can tell you that very early on after meeting her, I knew I wanted to explore a significant relationship. Well, remember I said coming back to earlier where a man gets labeled emotionally unavailable if he's not progressing the relationship. See a lot of men will be happy just receiving occasional companionship, occasional connection and occasional sex and they will stonewall the progression of the relationship. So what's the benefit of knowing this? Well, I think the benefit of knowing this, and by the way, I will say this, I will get into how to make a man emotionally open up in a moment. So I just want you to recognize I will get there in a moment. If a man isn't progressing the relationship forward within 90 days, then it's probably he's not either capable of a significant relationship. He's not capable of opening up emotionally or he just doesn't desire it with you. If he is stonewalling, he's just happy receiving the benefits of occasional companionship, occasional sex, occasional connection without really investing much into the relationship. This is why I'm a big proponent of two people looking at the dating process with mutual effort and basically I appreciate what Matthew Hussie says, invest in tests. In other words, invest, make some effort into the relationship and see if this person is also meeting you with effort and are they making effort towards you and are you investing as well? Those are just some of the signs that the relationship is progressing forward. All right, so I talked about emotional intimacy for a moment. I think this is where a lot of women get hung up on this area of relationship. And quite frankly, this is where men get hung up as well. See, ladies, you need to understand that we do have a hard time opening up emotionally because as little boys, we were taught to stuff our emotions, not show emotions, be a man, be stoic. We were literally raised with that dynamic if you're a baby boomer or a late baby boomer or a Gen Xer. That's what we were raised with. So expressing ourselves emotionally isn't something that comes easy for us. Now, ladies, you actually have an easier time with this because many young girls were encouraged to be open up emotionally with their girlfriends. So you have an easier time with this. So in some ways, when I know you all love that narrative that you can just sit back in your feminine energy and let a man lead. Well, yes, men will lead in the structural areas of the relationship because we were raised to be that at least we were biologically instinctually raised to be a provider protector. We weren't necessarily biologically or culturally taught to be the emotional communicators of the relationship. This is why I continually say to you, ladies, you are the emotional leaders of the relationship. If you want this to progress forward, then it's incumbent upon you to learn the skills to actually dive into emotional intimacy with your partner very early on. Now, one of the fundamental principles of emotional intimacy is developing a strong friendship with your partner. That's right, a strong friendship. You know, I've been a member. I said I interviewed hundreds and hundreds of men and also women who are in happy relationship and they all seem to say the same thing. I'm in relationship with my best friend. Now, it didn't necessarily mean they started as best friends. It means that as the relationship developed, what that really meant was what the word best friend really means is we have emotional intimacy with one another. Now, emotional intimacy means intimacy means into me you see, into me you see. Now, I didn't coin that. I heard that from a therapist one day and I really like this concept of emotional intimacy. And yet many of you ladies think you know emotional intimacy, but quite frankly, you don't. This is why I highly recommend reading the book Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters. And let's just open the book for a moment. There's a chapter called Four Steps for Developing Emotional Intimacy. By the way, all the books I recommend are in the link below in the description of this video under Jonathan recommend books. But the four steps for developing emotional intimacy, the first step in developing emotional intimacy to identify what are you feeling? You know, it's interesting to me when people express feelings these days, it seems like they express a thought and they say, I'm feeling this thought. See, feelings are things like happiness, sadness, joy, frustration, confusion, contempt. You know, these are all feelings, they're not thoughts. You know, I feel like going to the store, that's not a feeling. I would feel happy if we went to the store. That is a feeling. Actually, in ladies' case, going shopping for clothes, I'm just kidding. Because you don't need to get in your car to go shopping for clothes. You can simply do that on Amazon. So first, identify what you're feeling with respects to the relationship and within the dynamics of the relationship. That would be number one. Number two, according to Robert Masters, is, oops, the second step, let me find that. Well, where did this page go? That's kind of funny. I'm having a hard time. Oh, the second step is directly state what you're feeling. First, identify the feeling, then state the feeling, just like I would feel happy going to the store. The third step is to make sure the other person is really hearing you. So make sure that you're connecting with one another to make sure you're heard. And the fourth step is to get into the details without losing touch. Get into the details without losing touch. So I invite you to check out the book Emotional Intimacy to help a man emotionally open up. And you might want to get the book, The Five Love Languages, as well, so you can determine what is his love language. Most men tend to be acts of service and physical touch. Women tend to be words and quality time, for the most part. And this isn't true across the board. This is just some speculation here on my part. So I want to dive into today why our dating turns out to be this way where we're emotionally disconnected with one another. I think one of the things that isn't happening today for so many people is they spend more time talking on their devices, connecting in a very superficial way, very artificial intimacy, and not really connecting face-to-face intimacy through the experiences of social activities, hobbies, mutual interest in spending time with family and friends. That's how you build intimacy with a partner is in the doing of things and not in the talking of things. That's where friendships are built. And I think today many women do a terrible job at doing this in the dating process and it's no wonder it fizzles out within 90 days because there isn't a true connection, especially for those of you that spend so much time in the cyber world of your dynamic and not in the physical world of your dynamic. In other words, you're spending years and months and months, if not years, just talking through text messaging and not through the physical building of intimacy. So I said earlier how men are rather stoic when it comes to expressing themselves or even progressing the relationship forward. And I want to share a story with you in a moment about the TV show called The Good Doctor where there's a man on the spectrum who becomes a doctor and some of the challenges he has at becoming a doctor because he is like an emotional child. He's like an emotional child. See that's the way many men are. They're emotional children. And I don't mean that they act like children in the world of responsibility. I'm talking about in the area of relationship intimacy. And a lot of men are somewhat stifled in this area. So I want you to think of every man as if they're on the spectrum in this way, this case. And just like in the TV show, one of the fundamental pieces of every character is to recognize who this person is and their personality and accepting that this person's personality struggles with emotional intimacy, emotional connection with other people. And they treat them like a child, not from, again, the physical world, but from the emotional world and they have something called patience. That's right, patience. One of the things you must understand is if you're going to progress, if you want a relationship that progresses forward, then you must have patience when it comes to the emotional expressing for men who have been taught to be very stoic. Again, that's not all men, vast majority of men. Have a bit of patience. In a moment, I'm going to give you some tools to use, but I want you to understand that change for men and women happens four different ways. Change happens in four different ways. The first way is when someone is hurting enough, they have to change. When someone is in a lot of pain, wherever it is in their life, they might be struggling financially. They might be struggling with their health. They might be struggling with their emotional capacity to be expressive. If they're hurting enough and they feel like they have to make a change, that's one of the first ways a person will change. The second way a person will change is when they see enough to be inspired. They see enough, this is where role models come in in our world, where we see good role models and we go, God, I see so many beautiful couples out there that that's what I want. I'm inspired for that. See, sadly, today we don't have too many role models in this case, so we don't see enough to want to make a change. The third way we make change is that we learn enough that we want to. Many of you know that after my divorce and over 100 internet dates in one year, and I realized there was a consistent problem, I'd meet a nice gal, we'd have a really good time, something wasn't right. I'd meet another gal, we'd have a great time and something wasn't right, and in one year I had over 100 first dates, or meet and greets, I should say. They weren't really dates, they were meet and greets. Well, I learned that the problem was me, so the problem wasn't them. When I kept thinking it was them, I learned the problem was me, and that's when I began doing a deep dive into personal development, self-opened spiritual work. I went to Tony Robbins, I went to the Hoffman process, I did Insight Institute, I went to a therapist to really get to know I learned enough in this experience that I wanted to change. Last but not least, when a person receives enough, they're able to change. When they receive enough, they're able to change. This is where a lot of women you get stuck is because you can give, give, give, hoping the person can receive. That's why you have to do little tests along the way, a little drip marketing, a little bit seed planting along the way to see if they're capable of making a shift. I said earlier, I want to give you some tools because a man isn't going to open up unless these four things happen to make a person change. They're hurting enough, they see enough, they learn enough, and they receive enough. That's when a person is capable of making a change. Some of the things you can do to help along the way is set an example, lead by example, without compromising your boundaries. That's right, lead by example, without compromising your boundaries, without giving your power away. Giving your power away means being dependent on this person for your joy, your happiness. Sadly here in the United States, we are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. When you feel good about yourself, you're capable of receiving love. This is why I wrote my book, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help, and Spiritual Work. By the way, a link below to get a copy of my book. Why do I recommend this? It's not a dating book, it's an invitation to really learn to stand in your power and to love yourself so you don't need someone else to love you to feel good about yourself. One thing I said earlier is don't force a relationship. When you're forcing a relationship, it will push a man away. Remember I said earlier about mutual investment. I think of it as two cars traveling down a two-way street or a two-lane street. At the same pace, are you mutually investing with one another? That's how to begin the early stages of a relationship because remember I said it only takes men about 90 days to know whether or not he wants to fully invest with someone. I feel like that's a fair statement. Ask feeling questions. How did you feel about the ending of your last relationship? How do you think your partner felt about the ending of your last relationship? Those are really powerful questions. What do you feel you learned about yourself? What positive things did you learn about yourself with each relationship? Start diving into feeling questions and remember feeling questions aren't thought answers. Feeling questions are asking happiness, joy, sadness, confusion, frustration. Those are actual feelings. I think many of you, many human beings confuse thoughts with feelings and no wonder there's a lack of emotional intimacy in a relationship. The other thing is you can do is find time to talk when you're spending time in the car if you're traveling. My sweetheart and I took a trip up to wine country and we were in the car for three and a half hours. Great time to connect and talk with one another. We're both captive audiences. And remember you have to take a man's personality into equation. If he, see to gauge a man's emotional maturity, by the way, here's a link to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. To gauge a man's emotional maturity, it requires understanding where he came from as a child. And if he had significant abandonment, significant abuse in his life, he may be incapable of going beyond the surface without, and every man is, okay, every man is capable of emotional opening up emotional emotionally speaking to develop emotional intimacy. Some men have it tougher than others and it can be based on their childhood. I said we were boys were taught to stuff our emotions and feelings. Just remember that if you want a man to open up emotionally, you must be patient with them. You must recognize what his love language is and start to be able to receive his love language as well as guiding them along the way through leading by example. And it doesn't mean bombarding him with your feelings. It means encouraging one another to develop emotional intimacy through the methods I've just outlined in this video. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell. And again, in the description below are a variety of ways to connect with me through my group and through coaching. All right, I think we've got enough for today. It's time for Q&A. For those who are on the live stream right now, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a super sticker, super chats, a little dollar sign in the chat box. All of the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt. He's my son who passed away almost five years ago in his honor. We donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and the Seeds of Love, which is an organization to help children who have been abandoned by their parents because they have a terminally ill disease in Colombia. And we donate to that cause as well. So please purchase those super stickers today. Oh, and if you're watching the replay, hit the super thanks. Thanks so much. All right, let's see what kind of questions we have. Desert says, I don't have patience for that. Well, patience is a virtue from what I understand. And I do believe that I have to recognize that if you're choosing to invest in a man, recognize that his capacity to be emotionally available may not be, or excuse me, to be as emotionally expressive as you may not be at your level. But then again, ladies, I think many of you aren't really certain what that is as well. That's why I recommend checking out these books. All right. Thanks so much for that. Michelle says, thank you for addressing this. I don't text with men incessantly. And I still find it difficult to move beyond the surface because, yes, men tend to be stoic and don't like training people. Actually, men actually do appreciate being trained when we know what makes you happy, when we genuinely want you and like you and want you in our lives. We want to do the things that make you happy. All you need is a little bit of guidance along the way. Lead by example. You'd be surprised how easily men can be trained. There's a book about how to train men, or I think it's something about a book related to men are like dogs. They can easily be trained. So, Michelle, thank you for that. Laura says, you and Marie are good role models. Well, you know what? I don't know if we are. Thank you so much. I appreciate that. But I will say this. The reason why I brought Marie on my channel is to illustrate that first off, for those of us that are late baby boomers or Gen Xers, we can find love in the third or fourth chapter of our lives, first and foremost. Secondly, I want you to know that online dating is a place where you can meet people. That's where she and I met. It's not a cesspool as many people believe. And most importantly, that hopefully we demonstrate through our communication skills that good communication requires being a good communicator first. What I appreciate most about Marie is she's an amazing communicator. I think she could have been a diplomat in her previous life because she is so very, she's very diplomatic. And I say this in a positive sense. She practices nonviolent communication. If you're not familiar with the work of Marshall Rosenberg, I highly recommend checking out the book, Nonviolent Communication, which should have been titled Compassionate Communication. I love this book because this is something Marie does so eloquently. She's able to express herself in a non-confrontational way, in a non-demanding way, just a very simplistic way. Just like what I talk about in my book, Speak Your Truth. Just do it in a kind way. Yet so few humans know how to do that. That's why you must practice this stuff. If you want to be good at anything, you have to practice it. By the way, if you practice for 18 minutes a day for one solid year being a better communicator, you know what? You'll be better than 95% of the people on the planet. All right, Jennifer is in the house. And she says, I recently had a date with a man who was traumatized as a child, went to boarding school and doesn't have much of a relationship with his parents. Yeah, we are a byproduct of what we learn in childhood. Remember, our brains are so absorbent for the first 12 years of our life. It's no wonder this person might have some issues if they were significantly traumatized as a child. So thank you for bringing that up. I appreciate it. Tima says, I'm 23 and love watching your videos. Just wrote my non-negotiables, told them to the guy yesterday and he agreed and now we are in a committed relationship. I felt powerful for stating them. Tima, it wasn't a question but I do appreciate you sharing this for everyone. Folks, I do have a lot of 20 and 30 year olds watching my channel. That would be the best time to get involved with my channel so you can set the stage early on because it's much harder for us than folks in our 50s, 60s or even 70s. So thank you, Tima. And I appreciate the thank you. All right, the body electric supplement writes, why do some men use insulting humor towards a woman he is courting and partnered with? Great question. You know, I am guilty of being sarcastic and sometimes I dig because most of the time it's when I'm not feeling loved, the way I was taught to feel loved or let me reframe it. Yeah, my mother, you know, sadly my mother, beautiful woman, she was borderline narcissistic. I shouldn't be diagnosing her, I know, but there was a certain self-centricness to my mom. And she had a very negative way of enforcing love. It was always from a negative perspective. In fact, the irony was she called me the negative person. I realized that when I'm hurting emotionally, I use sarcasm as a way to mask what's really going on in the inside. I don't mean it to do it in a destructive way. I just realized that that's my coping mechanism when I'm not feeling loved, but it's usually the disconnect of my own love for myself and by insulting the other person, there's this bizarre subconscious mechanism that makes me think that I'll get love if I've insulted them. Maybe this was because that's how my mom gave me love. She insulted me hoping to get love. And of course I was in this position where I just want craved love from my mom. So I got used to a sarcastic insulting way to experiencing love and the body electric supplement. It's quite possible that's what's going on with this man. Doesn't make him a bad man. And just remember, you have to kind of outweigh the good with the bad. And most likely when something is insulting, it's because he's hurting on the inside. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Krishja says, I was able to help my best, great. I was able to help my best guy friend get into therapy. I was surprised that he was open to this. He's been growing a lot. Yeah, therapy, personal development, self-help and spiritual work are great venues for growing and changing in one's life. So it's good to hear that you helped a friend out. Lisa wants to ask a question. Didn't you say you and Marie were friends first? Yes, so just to be clear, we had connected through an online dating site one year prior to meeting. And in that year, we spoke to each other, I think six, seven, eight times in that year, we became Facebook friends, we interacted with each other just far sleep, sparingly on social media. Maybe it might be liking a post, might be sharing a meme that one of us had posted. And so by the time we met, we had a little sense of familiarity. Actually, when we talked to each other on the phone, we were talking about our current dating experiences. And we bonded in that way just very slightly. So by the time we met, we didn't feel like total strangers. And that's kind of, I don't consider us friends first per se. I mean, on a social level, she was a friend, but not necessarily at a true deep intimate level. It wasn't like, I think a friend is someone where you can call them up at the last minute and say, hey, I need a ride to the airport. You can call someone at the last minute and say, I'm really hurting. Well, you talk to me, we didn't reach that level of friendship. Certainly as our relationship progressed, we've developed a very, I think what we appreciate most in each other is that we're really good friends with one another. And when you have friendship coupled with physical intimacy, I think that's kind of the best relationship to have. And it's not this explosive off the charts, wanna rip each other's clothes off every 30 seconds, kind of feeling. It's more a deep sense of trust with one another. And trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is this person genuinely care about my best interest. That's what I appreciate most in our relationship is we operate from a place of we're looking out for each other continually. It's one of the things I appreciate about her. I hope she appreciates the same thing about me. We're looking out for each other. I think that's, hopefully we can role model that for everyone else. So thank you so much. BodyElectric goes on to ask, how can a woman deal with a man who's using insulting humor? That's a good question. I should ask Marie that one. Jennifer says sarcasm is a form of trauma. I read this from a life coach. I'm sarcastic and always working on it. I think recognizing, come back, I want you to weigh the relationship. If it is emotionally draining, if it's emotionally stifling for you and there isn't 80% of the relationship should feel great. And if it's an occasional insulting here or there, he might simply say is, what's going on? Are you hurting right now? Might want to ask the question, where is his temperature at that moment? That's causing that. It feels uncomfortable. And I feel sad when you've insulted me. And I'm wondering if something is going on inside of you that is causing that, because it doesn't feel good. I don't feel happy when I'm insulted. BodyElectric, try that and see how that works. Jamie said, how did you become so self aware? Just like that old story, how does someone get to Carnegie Hall? Practice, practice, practice. I've done a deep dive into studying human behavior. I've done a deep dive into studying my own emotions. I have over 20,000 hours of coaching women over the years. I have over 3,000 hours of personal development, workshops, trainings, and I continually do things together. In fact, even my sweetheart and I once a month, we do something that helps build our emotional intimacy with one another. And we reserve an entire day for this opportunity to connect with one another. I was the instigator of this. Yeah, a woman can be an instigator of this. It doesn't have to be the man leading the charge per se. But I recognize that if we want to co-create something beautiful, it requires at least on a regular basis devoting to the conscious co-creating of a relationship. Because what I don't want to end up is like so many couples that lose touch of emotional intimacy. And then they just find out that they're with a roommate and then they've lost connection with one another. So my hope is that we do, so my point is I do a lot of work in this area. By the way, you can check out, by the way, schedule a discovery call with me, work with me as a coach. One of the things I help you is almost as a life coach be so ready prepared for that right relationship that even if it isn't where you want it to be, there's an opportunity to grow it to that kind of relationship, okay? Thanks so much for that question, Jamie. All right, Ashley writes, can you give an example of giving your power away when you think that you might be being patient and waiting for the man to open up? Yeah, I actually have a list of ways women give their power away. So, seven ways women give their power away, right? Here, when the relationship is on his terms, in other words, the entire relationship predicate on whether he's giving, giving, giving on the relationship and most importantly, you've abandoned your standards of what you seek in a relationship and you have little or no boundaries. That's one way of giving your power away. When you give your power away is when you're afraid to speak your truth with him. Ladies, so many of you have duct tape over your mouth that you don't speak up, but Jonathan, I'm afraid if I say something, they'll break up with me. I want you to think of how ludicrous that is. If your feelings, if expressing yourself might cause a person to break up with you, then you're not in the right relationship. Just simply remember two chapters from my book, speak your truth, do it with kindness and chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Another way you give your power away when the relationship ends, all the focus is on him, him, him. You do no focusing on yourself. When you're waiting for him to initiate context so you can feel a level of validation, remember I said earlier, human beings are suckling on the nipple of I need you to give to me so I can feel good about myself. When you're constantly waiting for him to initiate, be mutual initiators of communication. When you stop doing your pre-relationship routine and you devote all your time to him, when you feel like you can't live without him, that's giving your power away. And when you think that this person is the only person on the universe that you'll ever feel joyful with. And yet the irony is you feel miserable with a person that you think you've had this great chemistry with. Just remember, sexual chemistry is not an indicator of relationship success. So Ashley, I hope that helps in answering your question about some examples of way women give their power away. Lisa, why are some guys only into short-term fun in midlife? Oh, that's a great question. You know, a significant percentage of men have gone through, of men over 45, roughly about 75% of men in the dating marketplace, women as well. This is anecdotal on my part, are divorced. What do you think about divorce? Divorce is the unraveling of the tapestry of an old life you might have. And in that unraveling, all the experiences that were negative in this relationship, if not healed through time and work, might cause a man to be gun shy. So the reason why men seek short-term fun is they want that occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex. And the fact is because it's so easy with the swipe of a phone, you can go, all right, I had to, you see, a lot of men do have a short-term mating strategy because a lot of women will have sex with little or no commitment or little or no building trust with one another. And we can just go on our phones, go to Bumble or Tinder or Hinge and go, I can just get a new person in a few minutes. See, it used to be we lived in scarcity. Just to get laid, it was like you had to practically beg for it, I'm sorry, I'm saying it that way. It might be offensive to some of you. I might have triggered some of you for that one. But the reality is, is now we don't have to beg for it, there's an abundance of people that will have sex with little or no barrier to entry. And so it's easier to have short-term fun because it requires no real need to invest. If every woman put a chastity belt on themselves right now, every woman on the planet did it, every non-married person, you will see men step up really quickly. But there's no need to. That's the old expression, I know you're gonna get triggered by this, why buy the cow if the milk can get there for free? That's why. I'm not saying it's right, just happens to be. And yet there is a significant percentage of men just like myself that we're looking to grow with somebody. When I say significant percentage, it might only be 20% of the male population out there of the over 45 crowd. So you have to do a better job of vetting, that's where my work comes in. I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity and more importantly, how to vet for compatibility so you can weed out the wrong people sooner so you're not finding yourself in short-lived relationships. Lisa, thank you so much for that question. Tima goes, my ex would say that if I didn't exercise and gained weight after giving birth, he'd walk away or cut off my hair perhaps. He wouldn't like it or like it and leave. He always said I was sensitive, thoughts. You know, that's a very cruel thing to say. I think what he was trying to say is I'm afraid that I won't be attracted to you if you gained weight. And so I'm gonna say some insulting things. So you feel so much pressure that you won't, that you will do some sort of exercise to maintain the figure that I fell in love with. Okay, I think that's what's going on on the inside. It's very, that's not very sweet on his part. It's very condescending on his part. And it destroys trust in a relationship, I get that. But why? I think that's the why. What can you do about it? Just talk to him about it. Have a dialogue about how you feel about your physical body after giving birth and how you feel about his physical body as well and have conversations about this. That's my suggestion anyway. All right, good luck with that one, I appreciate it. All right, let's keep going. Jennifer says, I won't have sex with anyone unless we're in a modern monogamous relationship. That's a good start. Just remember, monogamy and exclusivity. Monogamy and exclusivity aren't the same. Monogamy is I won't have sex with other people while we are engaged in having regular sex together. Exclusivity means I will not engage in connecting with new people while we're in this relationship where we're having regular sex together. That's monogamy and exclusivity. And people can make those agreements. Just remember they can break them at any time but it's certainly better to get some level of commitment than no commitment whatsoever. Good job, Jennifer. So once again, putting a man's inability and unwillingness to have self-discipline and respect and accountability on a woman. Well, I'm just going by this premise. I think most men aren't looking out for your best interest. So what I'm simply suggesting, it's not putting the accountability on the woman, I'm suggesting you putting out your best interest if men have a propensity to have a short term mating strategy and you have a long term mating strategy then my suggestion for your benefit, for your discipline to have your own respect, to have your own accountability is have your long term mating strategy in place recognizing that many men have a short term mating strategy. I'm not putting the accountability on the woman. I'm inviting every woman to take charge of their life not give their power away to men. I find when my words are twisted and then it's making an accusation, I'll be candid with you, I don't appreciate that. That doesn't feel good. I'm not here to suggest women are bad. I'm here or men are bad. I'm here to say human beings are rather screwed up. They're rather emotionally dysfunctional. They're emotionally a mess. I'm simply here to invite women in particular to take power of their life because oftentimes women give their power away to men and I'm here to encourage you and a lot of rhetoric out there is fueling this especially with the expectation of a traditional approach in relationships. If the traditional approach was so great why are we so messed up today? I'm here to encourage human beings to take charge of their life, not be in the gender role dynamic but they're in own individual empowerment. Is this sinking and is this resonating? Please let me know. Hey, Leafs is in the house. Sorry about the funeral Leafs. All right, Laura, why question then why do men not respect a woman when she wants to wait for sex? I don't think it's about respect. I think not enough trust was built or not enough friendship was built, not enough connection was built to appreciate that woman's desire. I don't think enough connection was built, not friendship was built, enough trust was built to that point. It's not about respect. I know you see it as respecting it's more about he has a short-term mating strategy. See men with a long-term mating strategy recognize that living with someone or being married to someone is the goal. Especially for those of us in late baby boomers and Gen Xers. The goal is to live with someone or get married. So when you have a long-term mating strategy you're viewing it from a different lens. People that have a short-term mating strategy it's not about respect. It's just they there in it for the short run. Does that help? I hope it does. Tima says, yes, he made me lose trust when he said that like he could have said it in a nicer way. Yes, it's hard to trust people that insult us. It's hard to trust people that have digs. Now just recognize there's the occasional insulting the occasional digs, the occasional tit for tat if you will versus the habitualness of it. And we all humans are just, you know the reality is we're all just little kids that wanna be loved and we were taught in such dysfunctional ways what love was from our childhood. If you're not familiar with the book the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. I highly recommend reading this book so you can understand how our childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas cause us to have negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our life. Do the work in this book. It might take you six months to do it but you'll find yourself being in such a position that you are like super, you know, Wonder Woman, Superman when it comes to understanding and being better prepared to be in a healthy happy relationship. Is this sinking in? Please let me know. All right, do we have any other questions in the house? Let's see. Ah, let's see if we have any more questions. Leap says, thank you. Jonathan, my brother, you're very welcome. You know, I recognize that none of this is easy. We all wished, you know, there's this delusion I believe that was predicated by Disney and television and movies that relationships are easy. That should just be easy to find a life mate. Why is that? Why aren't I saying it's easy to become an Olympic athlete? It should just be easy that I should just win the gold medal. Should just be easy. Should be, you know, I wanna be a piano player. I think it should just be easy. I should just be able to take one lesson and know how to play the piano. It should just be easy. See, there's this expectation and illusion that we deserve to have a life partner that we have to make no effort to attract a good partner in our life. It should just be easy. And that every human being we meet is emotionally healthy and emotionally have relationship skills. That should just be easy. See, that's the fantasy. That's the delusion. See, I'm here to help everyone recognize that we're swimming in a sea of human dysfunctionality. Now that women are no longer dependent upon men for their survival, thankfully because we live in a relatively safe world here in the United States anyway, and women have a capacity to financially support themselves, that it requires spending more time in the building of emotional intimacy because what's the damn point of being in a relationship if it's not about feeling good? If you have your base needs, your base Maslow hierarchy of needs, Matt, food, water, shelter, then it's time to explore the deeper connections human beings can have. The other day I was at my chiropractor's office, I think he's been married 33 years and I asked him, you know, how he met his wife. She happened to be working with him that day. So they were sharing the story. And he said, I learned, I knew very early on she was the one, by the way, they met in a parking lot at a restaurant. And you know what I see between the two of them is that they're best friends with one another. They work together. They actually help each other in each other's lives. They operate as partners. See, I want you to think of it this way. If you want a partnership with someone that you have to show up as a whole sovereign human being with the emotional skills to grow a relationship. And yes, the man also has to be in that place or at least capable of it. And simply leading by example is a way to build that emotional connection, that emotional intimacy with someone so you can actually have a truly juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship as I always talk about. Michelle says, I feel like I need a PhD in relationships to make it work and I have friends who make it seem so easy. You know, certainly I don't think I could be in the place I am at if it wasn't for a lot of education on my part. Not everybody is in this space that needs that. I certainly need that because I was deeply wounded as a child. The more wounded a person is, the more work they need to be able to lean into a healthy, happy relationship. Hey, one of our Facebook member groups. By the way, if you'd like to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery, there's a link in the description below. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and the questions posted in the group are ones that I answer regularly so you can have access to me there. All right, check out the link to Midlife Love Mastery. One of our member says, what do you think my best friend of three years with Drew when I cut off sex? Know him and his family my whole life. Wait, why do you think my best friend of three years with Drew when I cut off sex? Know him and his family my whole life. I realize he's emotionally immature. He will not kiss or cuddle and he told me he does not want a girlfriend. I realize I was falling in love and giving my power. I realized I was being used and he's not healed from his ex-girlfriend. Well, sex is an important component of a healthy, happy relationship. As I was sharing earlier about Rabbi Freeman, he says that is something that is a necessity to continue a healthy, happy relationship with someone. So when someone cuts off physical intimacy, that's not uncommon for someone to withdraw. Now you claim that he's emotionally immature. He will not cuddle and kiss and he told me he does not want a girlfriend. Well, why would you spend three years with someone who doesn't want a girlfriend? That's a question I have. I realized I was falling in love and giving him my power. So it wasn't the two of you mutually falling in love with one another. And I realized I was being used. He's not healed from his ex-girlfriend. Well, my invitation for you in this particular case is it sounds like he's not the right partner for you. So what's the best thing to do? N-E-X-T, next. If you're giving your power away to someone, that's not his responsibility, that's on you. So my invitation for you, if it's not the right relationship for you, then move on. Oh, and I appreciate, Jonathan, I appreciate your counsel, my sweet big bro, God, thank you so much. All right. Team assist, thank you for answering my questions. Ah-ha, I hope you and Marie grow together and have many good memories. I do too. We've got a trip planned in a month and a half. I'm looking forward to that next memory in our lives as well. All right, I think you get a gist of why men over 40 have a hard time opening up. And I hope I've given you an opportunity to shift this narrative. Oh, by the way, we have one more question. I'll take one more. Should you open up and tell your truth if a guy talks about marriage after a year and a half of committed relationship? But the truth is, but the truth is psychiatric diagnosis stable with medication. Well, I'm not sure. Is it you that have a psychiatric diagnosis and you're on medication? What truth is it that you need to tell? It's beautiful that he wants marriage after a year and a half of committed relationship. So yes, you should, by the way, if it's, okay, folks, if something is material to the relationship and the longevity of the relationship, then it's imperative that you speak up about it. If something is going to affect a relationship long-term, then do not, just remember, it's like holding onto a secret. It's gonna come out at some point. So better address it sooner rather than later so you can actually talk about it from a non-confrontational way, hopefully from a loving place to build a healthy, happy relationship. My invitation for you, Sarah, if it's material to the relationship, whatever it is, you bring it up with one another. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on all that I've shared today. As always, if you find value in my videos, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And if you need some support, they're in the description below as a way to connect with me through my group. You can schedule a discovery call with me. You can follow me on Instagram and all my other social media platforms. And check out all the books I recommend as well. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic John the bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone. Pat, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Leaves and Sarah and my Facebook friends and Camille and Michelle and Jennifer and Tima and Desert and Funky Chick and Laura and Lua and Parisian Streets and Lisa and Lisa and Ashley and Jamie and the body electric supplement everyone. Thanks so much. Have a fab day. Be well. Bye now.