 gentlemen, the Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Here on your mind, he thought of Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. In college, that is, in the town of Ivy, USA. To judge by the heap of unfinished business on the desk of Dr. William Carpenter Hall, browsed into Ivy, college is in going concern. Mrs. Hall, the former Victoria Cromwell of the London stage, tactfully interrupts him at his desk, which is buried under an enormous pile of miscellaneous papers. Haven't you gone yet, Toddy? Your appointment at two? Yes, I know, Ricky. But at the moment, I'm not sure whether I'm on the edge of order or the brink of chaos. Give me another hour and you won't recognize this desk. Well, how could I recognize it? I've never seen it. You've never unveiled it. It's one of the grosser untruths that a man's mind is necessarily as cluttered as his desk. Tidy thinking leaves little time to deal with the enormous accumulations in any busy man's normal day. Composites, you never know what interesting tidbits may emerge from the debris. But look at this memo I discovered under the blotter. Five on Prince D in a third. But Toddy, you're a secret gambler. How fascinating. And how did Prince D do in a third? That's what puzzles me. I haven't the slightest idea. I'm not much of a gambling man, as you know. I don't remember a thing about this memo. Whose handwriting is it, may I ask? Mine. Incubatively mine. That is what is so battling. Where did I get the tip? Did I make the bet? And when was it? We went to the Races of Minute Askers in England and you loved it, do you remember? It was because I was with you that I loved it, my darling. One because this sport of kings had aroused any fever in my blood. Besides, if college professors are seldom equipped financially to cope with the vagaries of the tote-board. Five on Prince D in the third. In the third? Where? Well, there are ways and ways of getting tips here. And one of them is in Doc Fish's father chair and it's getting fairly late for your appointment. Oh, yes. Yes, and I'll ask Doc if he ever heard of a horse named Prince D. Yeah, and if he doesn't know, you invent the information complete with fast performances, jockey changes, and the condition of the track. On your way, horse player. Now as I see it, Dr. Hall, there's nothing wrong with your curriculum, except it's emotionally a lot of stuff that nobody will ever use. How much you went off the top. There you go. Just enough to make it appear that it hasn't been cut. I guess you didn't know what you were letting yourself in for when you hired this new English professor of yours. This hotly fella. What beats me is what do they say in it? He's not even good looking. Professors are not, as a rule, judged by their masculine puncture suit. Ivy has never expected that any member of its faculty need to qualify for Mr. America. Well, what those are on the campus is your job, I suppose. I've been called a gossip just once too much. So from now on, I'm going to keep my mouth shut. But if I wanted to talk, I could tell you stuff about this professor hotly that'd make your hair stand on him. It might be easier to cut that way, but I'd prefer that you try it out on someone else. All right, all right, I made up my mind not to say a word anyway. Never get any thanks for it. After all, if hotly wants to make love to all the girls in town, that's none of my affairs. Regarding this university, I know what I'd do. I envy you, Doc. You can run both your own job and mine too. I only know my own. Darling, you have a visitor. Oh, good afternoon, Mr. Wellman. Sorry I kept you waiting. That's all right. I have other things to do, but this couldn't wait. It's critical, Doc. All these criticals will then, by all means, let's hear about it at one of the lovely briefs. Do you know about Professor Hotly? I know that you and I both had haircuts today. Well, what's that? Well, what's that got to do with that? I mean, who told you? No one told me. But I don't know whether you told Doc Fish or he told you what you're going to tell me about Professor Hotly. This is a serious matter, Doc. I want to be avoided at any cost, at any cost. I'd be astrecked by a real scandal. Are you sure you don't mean scandal among us? I mean scandal. I know what I mean. I mean that Professor Hotly has been going out with a girl. Excuse me, Mr. Wellman, but just as a layman on such things, do they hang men in this country for that? In England, fraternizing between the sexes has been approved for some time. This is a very young girl, Mrs. Hall, a freshman. It will develop, or has already, into a nasty scandal. And worse, part of it. Oh yes, her name is Linda Matthews, freshman. You must be quite convinced that all this is true. Naturally, you wouldn't be so concerned if you'd only heard a rumour. I'll ignore that, Dr. Hall. I am not a complete idiot. That is... Mr. Wellman, you would present proof of the allegation with the proper time. I would suggest that you direct your investigation to the people involved. It's your responsibility to keep the good name of Ivy above reproach. I've been merely trying to save you from any embarrassment that would result from your innocence or a ignorance about what had come and knowledge. Good day, Dr. Hall, Mrs. Hall. I'll see you to the door. I know my way down. On his way out, he also knows his way in. You know that was a very modest statement he made, that he was not a complete idiot. I thought the job had been finished for some time. As chairman of the Board of Governors, Mr. Wellman is a delicate tuning fork for wind-borne crises. To me, there is no more joyful sound than the hollow reverberation of an idea striking a brass hat. Is this talk about Professor Huntley Dockfish's doing? Well, he intimated darkly that Huntley was a danger to Ivy womanhood and was about to lose a flood of scandal when I stopped him. I could discount fish for the longer he is, but Wellman... As public defender, unappointed, of course, even Wellman wouldn't pick on a freshman just to take a smack at you, dear. Darling, I'm responsible for Huntley. I recommended him for the English department. Wellman opposed it. Poor Huntley will be the scapegoat, just because he happens to be popular with the students. Darling, many of your students ever have a crush on you. The question is irrelevant, immaterial, and very interesting. If I'd been in your class, I'd have fallen in love with you. You are very naturally dear, darling, yes. But I'm not Professor Huntley, and sure I'm not Linda Matthews. And I must find a solution for this business. It'll save both their faces and confound Mr. Wellman. That's what I say. Confound, Mr. Wellman. Come in, Professor Huntley. Dr. Hall will be down in a minute. Thanks, Mrs. Hall. I'd be wanting to talk to you ever since the registration ball. Oh, really? Yes, I tried my best to cut in for a dance, but the competition was too key. Especially from Dr. Hall. He, in fact, he made a monopoly. Well, he called it a holding company, Professor. He's right. Next time I'll have more courage and petition a stockholder's protest meeting. Oh, hello, Dr. Hall. Professor Huntley, nice to see you. And thank you for coming over. Always glad to see you, Doctor. You wanted to talk to me? Yes, yes, sit down. Thank you. Professor, I've never gone along with the theory that a teacher's ability can be measured by his unpopularity. Nor with Calper that a teacher should be a sparing of his smile. I see no harm in any member of the faculty being on the most pleasant terms with his students. And now that I've made that unnecessary little speech, I'll come to the point. Have you heard the rumor that you were in love with a girl a freshman year at IB? What? Or vice versa? Oh, you're kidding. Both of you. Both of you? Aren't you? No, no, we're not. I just thought you should know that a couple of energetic gossip mongers are tossing your reputation above Robert Wiggleslith. And who is supposed to be the object of my sinister affection in the rumor so far limits itself to your, I think they call it, going out with a student by the name of Linda Matthews. Linda Matthews. Oh, poor Linda. I'm sorry, Dr. Gore, but I can't believe this. Do you mean that somebody seriously thinks that? I'd never go so far as to imply that my informants in this matter have any great capacity for serious thinking. Dr. Linda Matthews is one of the best students I have in English. She's attentive, she's eager, and she has imagination. I'm very much interested in her. Why, I've even learned that some of my books have given her a lift a couple of times in my car. But how could anybody make anything out of that? She died for scandal grabs for the smallest muscle and confattant on crumbs. But then you teach a course in fiction, Professor, you know how stories are developed. Yes. Does Linda know about this? Oh, I hope not for her sake. Then I have one favor to ask Dr. Hall. Don't tell her unless it's necessary. She's a pretty sensitive girl. If there's anything I can do, anything that's commonplace is kicking somebody around the campus, let me know. I will. If I'm not able to disabuse minds myself. Well, thanks for coming over, Professor. Have a tour. Bye, Doctor. Good day. Oh, oh, by the way. Yes? Have you played horses, Huntley? No, no horses. That's not an official question, Professor, just that loud information. Well, I can be at a little penny ante almost any evening, but otherwise my gambling instinct seems a little stunted. Well, they wouldn't have heard of a horse named Prince D. No, I'm afraid not. Sorry, Doctor. Bye, Mrs. Hall. Goodbye. Nice. It's very nice. I wouldn't blame Linda Meltings if she did have a small crush on him. I will say I admire his restraint, none of the circumstances. But as far as I'm suspected, it's nothing more than a small breeze stirred up by a couple of old windbags. It seems that Mr. Wellman is not a tycoon, he's a typhoon. It's a typographical error. Do you realise the basic difference between me and Mr. Wellman? Well, starting alphabetically, hey, you are admirable as he's ashenine. You are bright, he's bombish. No, no, no. Not a complete character analysis, darling. It's just the basic difference. But what do you think it is? I think it's just that I can't help liking people and Mr. Wellman can't like helping people. Oh, that's well true, Doctor. But to go on, D, your direction is devious. D, you are easy, it's frustrating. If you're a fan, you're speaking in a turtle head. The grump is starting. Wellman told me he'd discussed this for face-to-huntly nonsense with you. No, he didn't discuss, Mr. Middleweather. He charged, like Teddy Roosevelt, going up San Juan Hill. We're happy to hear you classify it as nonsense. In due time Mrs. Old usage will make Wellman synonymous with nonsense. He says if you don't take punitive action right away, Doctor, he's going to call a board of governors meeting and throw the book at hunt play. Mr. Wellman naturally wouldn't know of any other use for a book. Now, Doctor, this thing can really get pretty messy if we don't clear it up before Clarence makes it worse than it is. And he can. You know, Clarence, he thinks Whistler's mother wears that white bonnet because she's smuggling opium in her hair net. Did you just have your hair cut, Mr. Middleweather? No, I didn't hear this from him. I got it straight from the horse's mouth. If you'll excuse that reference to Mrs. Maryweather. Ruth has told her and has always been a pretty honest kid. Ruth? She lives on our block. She's a fresh friend of this Linda Matthews. I shut her up, but I think you ought to talk to her, Doctor. Can you see her this afternoon? Of course I'll see her. Thank you for telling me. Incidentally, Mr. Middleweather, do you believe this story? As a member of the Board of Governors, Doctor, I view the matter with great trepidation. But as Charlie Maryweather, taxpayer and self-made old, I think it's a lot of whale oil. Mr. Middleweather, gossip is a virus and a virus is infectious. Even if you are immune, we must do what we can to stop an epidemic. Yes, I did tell Mrs. Maryweather, Dr. Hall, but if I thought I'd be making any trouble for Linda, I'd never have opened my mouth. I like Linda. Of course, she's not exactly a close friend. Well, then perhaps you will tell us why you think Professor Huntley has any more than an academic interest in that. Because I saw her get out of his car one afternoon, and then I know he gave her his own copy of Montaigne's essay. You need to say you saw all that. But his name was right there in the flyleaf, Mrs. Hall. Miss Jessica, I still don't understand why you've spread this story. I didn't spread any story, Dr. Hall. Linda told me or it was herself. Linda told you. Of course. It's all she talks about, how wonderful he is, what a smooth dancer he is, and the swell places he's taken her. In the beginning, I thought she was just bragging. But Linda's an awfully smart girl, Dr. Hall. I guess she's the kind of a girl a professor would go for. But what about the college boys, Ruth? Do they feel the same way about her? Oh, no. I don't think so, Mrs. Hall. Linda's not very... well, she's the quiet type. For a quiet type, she seems to be quite garrulous. I don't like to disenchant you, Miss Jessica, but Professor Huntley gave Linda Matthews his copy of Montaigne's essay for only one reason. He wanted it all of them. He gave her her automobile ride, perhaps a couple of them, for only one reason, to see that she's back to school. Now, as prosaic as these facts are, they are facts. The only facts. Thank you for coming over, Miss Jessica. That's all right, Dr. Hall. I guess I'd better go now. I've got a lot of collateral reading to do. Answer you to the door. See, Mrs. Hall, I hope Dr. Hall isn't mad at me. I hate to get the president sore at me right at the start. Four years is a long time. And don't worry, I don't think you'll stay mad that long. Goodbye, Mrs. Hall. Tutty, I'm sorry for that girl, Linda Matthews. Yes, I am too. On the one hand, Ruth makes her out to be a giddy adolescent. But according to Huntley, she's a budding intellectual. On the other hand, I can't let her get away with this. And yet, you never know what you might do to a girl like that. Do you mind if I jump into this debate you're having with yourself, darling? Not at all. Pick a side. I never could understand about debating. It doesn't matter what you believe in. You just take sides. Anyway, this is not a question of sides. It's simply a matter of approach. In my official capacity, I must severely censure Linda Matthews, notwithstanding any personal sympathy I might have for her. I have it too, and nobody's ever called me official. Do you mind if I go and see her, Tutty? In my official capacity, I have no jurisdiction over your information, Mrs. Hall. And personally, it'll take a big load off my mind, which will leave me with only one cruel mental burden. When did I bet $5 on Christmas Eve? And ladies and gentlemen, I could come up if you're not busy with matters, may I come in for a moment? I'm Victoria Hall. Oh, Mrs. Hall. Of course. Please come in. I'm sorry the place is such a mess, but I wasn't expecting company. I didn't know your telephone number and I wanted to see you. Professor Huntley spoke so highly of you, I wondered why you hadn't entered into any of the freshman activities. Oh, well, I'm not very good at that sort of thing, and there's so much work to do. That's a popular complaint. Honestly, I don't know how any freshman ever gets to be a sophomore. Oh, I'm not complaining, Mrs. Hall. I love it here. Yes, I love it too. Of course, when I first came, I was scared to hear you. It's funny too, because I'd opened up in so many new shows before new audiences, but this time I wasn't going to play a part. I was just going to be myself, and I wanted to be a hit. You know something, Linda? Audiences are much easier to please than people. Yes, I suppose so. When you come from a big city like London, it's hard to believe that Professor X's wife is quoting publicly it's something you said privately to Professor Q's wife. I know, Mrs. Hall, I come from a town that's smaller than I do. Then you know that anybody's business somehow becomes everybody's. Linda, I really came to see you because a couple of old boozy bodies are talking about you. What are they saying? Well, what they're saying isn't really important. It's what can happen to you and Professor Huntley. Has he heard about it? Yes, yes. Oh, Mrs. Hall, how can I... It isn't true, it isn't true. I'm sorry, Mrs. Hall. I know you didn't mean... I mean, I can't think you're all going to class. I did get her to talk, Toddy, but I just cleared her off. I was a complete flop. Didn't she have anything at all to say? Oh, she didn't have to, darling. It was all there, the shabby boarding house, long way from the campus, the dark little back room, one snapshot of a boy inscribed to Sitch. She's a very lonely girl. How simple it would be to deal with this if it were just a mischievous gossip. It would be more wonderful if the whole story were true when Linda and the Professor Huntley ran away and got married and lived happily ever after. Let a good English professor get away from Ivy? That's a dreadful thought. And Vicki, I think I'll take a short walk. Now wear your hat, darling. Don't forget you just had your hair cut. I'll be back in a minute. Do you need Dr. Hall? Oh, yes. I was just coming to see you. I'm Linda Matthews. Oh, hello, Linda. I don't want to bother you. Bother me? I've just been talking to myself and it's much more pleasant to talk to someone else. Come on with me. I suppose you know that Mrs. Hall came to see me this afternoon. Yes, I do. She was so nice to me. I didn't want to see you. I went all the pieces. I found that sometimes the best way to straighten things out is to walk in the circle and wind up when you started. Oh, Dr. Hall. I missed a minute of everything. I didn't understand what I'd done. You know, Mrs. Hall told me what everybody was talking about. I don't know why I didn't realize that they would talk about it because I started it. I made it a silly story about Professor Huntley and me. Huntley was just showing off. Nobody had anything to do with it except me. But that's all there is to it. I lied. Linda, I know it wasn't easy for you to come and tell me this, but I'm afraid it's going to be much, much harder to repeat your story to the man who must hear it. Professor Huntley? Oh, I can't say anything. Dr. Hall, I just died. So did the gossip. I didn't mean Professor Huntley. Oh, it's much worse than that. Now, listen carefully. I know that you'll be well fortified for the ordeal. Now, Mr. Wellman is a very important man, especially in his own estimation, but he does his very best. My fault, Mr. Wellman. I made up the whole story. Nobody else had anything to do with it. Miss Matthews, you admit that you made up his story. How am I to know that you haven't made up another one for my benefit? After all, it wouldn't be the first time to cover for somebody else. If you mean Professor Huntley, Mr. Wellman, he had nothing to do with this at all. You really mean to tell me that you invented this whole thing out of your own head? Oh, let's say out of her own heart, Mr. Wellman, it's a lonely one. But why? Can you tell me that? Why, Miss Matthews? Oh, I don't believe it's necessary for Miss Matthews to answer that, Mr. Wellman. More than it would be to you if I should ask you why you had that dream last night. I'm afraid to see what dreams have to do with this matter. A great deal, I believe. But Miss Matthews is fully confessed to her responsibility. I think that's all that has to be considered. Well, Dr. Wellman, I shall expect you to take proper action. And maybe I can condone what you've done, but I must admire your courage and admit it. Good day, Dr. Huntley. Good day, Mrs. Huntley. Good day, Mrs. Huntley. I think that the Wellman felt cheated. Yet his fire has got all loaded and waiting for sunrise. Linda, you were splendid. I don't know how you managed it. I don't know why, Mrs. Huntley. I'm starting to blush now. Well, that's only natural, Linda. Somehow we give him courage in a crisis and then often collapse the moment it's over. But that's the trouble. It's not all over. How can I ever face Professor Huntley? It's always harder to face friends than strangers. And after all, you want to see your friends again. So talk to Professor Huntley and if he should offer you a lift, no need to refuse. And if he wishes to know a book by all means, good heavens. Charlie, what's the matter? It was Professor Huntley, his book on Hamlet, Prince of Denmark. The memos have slipped out of it. What memos? Five on Prince Ding in the third. I was to give his class a five-minute talk on Hamlet, with particular reference to the third act. See, in a third, oh, dear, how disillusioning. I thought it's Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. Now, here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Good night, everybody. Good night. The other players were Herbert Butterfield, Gail Gordon, Barbara Whiting, Gloria McMillan, Earl Ross and Charles Davis. Tonight's script was written by Milton, Barbara Merlin and Don Quinn. The music was composed and conducted by Henry Russell. The halls of Ivy was created by Don Quinn, directed by Matt Woldt, and presented by the Joseph Schlitz throwing company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking.