 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be shooting this short video for you today. Our topic we're going to talk about the three, or is it three, or three stages men need to fully commit to love. So, or commit to you. Before we begin, if this content resonates with you and you feel like you're ready to take that next step and you want to schedule the discovery call with me, check out the link below to schedule a one-on-one session with me to see if coaching works for you. Alright, let's talk about those three, three, three stages. Alright, I'm just kind of excited right now. So, let's first off, let's be real with one another for a second because in the dating process we human beings are driven by biology. We are driven by chemistry. We're driven by the chemical drip. And what I mean by chemical drip is when we feel really connected with another human being, brain chemicals are released in our brain that go out throughout our body. Chemicals like testosterone and estrogen and oxytocin and dopamine, the love drug, you know, the lust drug if you will. So, the first stage is we step into that place of lust and honestly whether it's man or woman but mostly men because we're driven from that biological perspective of we need to spread our seed, we need to be excited to get the erection going and that sort of thing. We are highly driven by lust in the early stages and and that's certainly true for men but you know men who are more emotionally mature and emotionally grown up aren't necessarily highly focused on that but for the vast majority of men we're driven that way. I mean when we get excited about someone we want to see them, I mean you hear this time and time again we we go from point A to point B to point C and when we like a girl we're gonna put effort into it. And there's no doubt about it, we're going to do that. The more the high quality man is also looking for a woman who puts in effort as well but not but and I just want to be clear but that first stage is actually just lust driven, it's limerence driven, it's driven by our biology and that's just a natural phase of getting to commitment. And so the next phase, phase two or stage if you will, is building trust with one another, building trust with one another and this is where a lot of people fail in relation. You know this is where there's a lot of struggle in building trust. Now at first it starts off with things like familiarity. Like I kind of repeat myself sometimes but you know you like sushi? Me too! You like snowboarding? My favorite thing to do or paddleboarding, let's go with that one because I live at the beach. Or you like Tears for Fears? My favorite band. Actually it's not my favorite band. My favorite band happens to be Joe Jackson. I'm a big Joe Jackson fan going back to the Look Sharp album in 1979. But anyway so for those women who like Joe Jackson, woohoo! Anyway but building trust first starts off with familiarity but then trust is built over time doing activities together, shared activities, hobbies, mutual interest. Start investing into each other's lives by supporting one another. That's what builds trust is being there for your partner. It's saying, hey I need a ride to the airport. Will you take me? Absolutely! You're my partner and I can count on you and it takes time to build trust. In fact this is the stage where most relationships suffer. Is that they just haven't built that level of trust and it's not just physical trust, it's emotional trust. Can I trust my feelings with this other person? And ladies you know this because your greatest fear is centered around feeling safe to be vulnerable with a man. And just like women, we men need to feel safe to be vulnerable as well. And men struggle in this particular area because we've been so conditioned to stuff our feelings. This is one of the reasons why the term emotionally unavailable is thrown around all the time. But it takes time to build trust and it first starts with that phase of familiarity. Doing things together, building the roots. And I talk about the roots in a much greater context in my private coaching program. But when you develop the roots that to sustain a relationship, you're gonna go to that third phase of commitment. And I want to lean into commitment in a different way today because ultimately when you've made that full commitment, I'm here, you matter, we are important, I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere, I only want you. That's really building the roots to commitment. So Dr. John Gottman talks about these three phases and he talks about first in the development of a relationship we start off focusing on our own needs. Is my needs getting met in fact, this is the struggle with a lot of relationships because both men and women are hyper focused on their own needs being met and not reaching that second stage of going, can I meet my partner's needs? Can I meet my partner's needs? So let me give you an example of that. So let's say, are you familiar with the five love languages? I talk about it all the time, but if you're not familiar, go Google it. But the five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, access service and gifts. So let's say the man you're dating is an access service person and you're a words person and you've done the test online. In fact, I highly recommend in the early stage of the dating is to go online, do the five love languages test. But let's say for example, your words and he's access service. Well, when when you're with a person that's actually leaning into deeper commitment, they go, wow, this is your love language. I want to meet that need. So first, it's I want you to be my need. Okay, I want you to meet my need of of access service. But I know your need is word. So I'm going to meet that need. That's going to the second step of the one of the routes that build commitment is I'm going to meet your need. And then the third and final is your needs become my needs. In other words, your needs of words actually becomes my needs as well. That's the real deeper route to love and full commitment when you actually make your partner's needs your own needs. I'll give you an example. You like to go to the opera, but your partner doesn't. But they know how important it is for you to go to the opera. By the way, I don't know anybody who goes to the opera, but I'm trying to figures, think of something like so obscure. But you love the opera, your partner could care less. But they go, you know what? It's important to you. I want to meet that need for you. And I'm going to enjoy it because it's important to you. Now, let me just say this, you don't have to be attached to the hip on everything. Okay, this isn't about every single need is being met by your partner. But those important ones are really leaning into the deeper levels of commitment. So men and women need these three things together. And one of the stumbling blocks to these things is the fact that the vast majority of the population gets stuck in stage one, they're either in lust mode, or they're in my needs being met mode. That's where the vast majority of the population, I know ladies, you tend to think you're in all three. But I can tell you as a man single looking for love as well, I can see women are caught up in stage one, mostly and don't ever lean into stage two, even in the early stages of dating. So it's not a one way street here. It is both genders that do this. The reason why people get stuck is because they most likely haven't healed their childhood wounds and traumas or their adult traumas, and they're reliving patterns over and over and again. This is one of the reasons why I'm a big proponent of personal development, self help and spiritual work. In fact, if I haven't talked about this book before, I want to definitely have you check out the Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, the Untethered Soul, because this book leans into how to heal from the inside out. So you can be that person that can actually go, I want to not only give my partner their needs, but their needs become my own. And by doing the inner work, and certainly my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway, is I mean, this is a must buy. I'm sorry. This is the beginning stage of every guy you date should be reading my book. Probably won't like it, but I think he should be doing it anyway. Because this is how we lean into a fully committed relationship. This is how we lean into it by recognizing the mechanics of a relationship. This is a demonstration. When I talk about the mechanics of a relationship, this is a demonstration to understand these stages. And the vast majority of people are unaware. So take this video and go, this is part of the road or the roadmap to creating it. I'm a big proponent. If you want to have a juicy, delicious relationship, then you check in with each other on a regular basis and say, what do we need to do to make this relationship work? Because as I say repeatedly, ladies, if you want to let a penis into a vagina on a regular basis, then the work should be it's not the work of liking each other. The work is, are you preparing to be in a good healthy relationship? And that is my invitation for you. Hope you found value in this video. Now, if you did, and you would like to, as I said before, schedule a call with me, check out the link below. I'm here to help. I'm here to teach you those deeper roots that help you sustain a healthy, happy relationship. And I'm honored to be your coach. Oh, by the way, pay us to comment, ask a question, anything I read, I read them all. So please go for it. All right, we're going to wrap up this video as I always do, I'm going to give myself a big, gigantic hug of self love, and I'm going to invite you to give yourself a big, gigantic hug of self love and then find someone else and give them a big hug of love, because we all need hugs, we all need love, because love is the antidote to all our inner antidote to inner suffering, but it's our antidote to peace. All right, gonna run. Take care. Have a great day.