 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan as I have Jonathan as a comment I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today our topic How a fearful avoidant how a man over 40 turns into a four fearful avoidant and how you can love him how you can love him All right Really quickly if you're brand new to my youtube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos and if anytime during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the youtube algorithms really quickly. These are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony very similar to the videos. I shoot my private group called midlife love mastery This is a group. You can have direct access to me on a regular basis and based on the questions you post in the group I shoot personalized videos just for you So check out the link below to my VIP group and you can join for just seven dollars to get started All right, so we're going to talk about how a fearful avoidant might fall in love and why this might happen to a man in his as he gets older So I've been thinking a lot about A lot of the different conversations and the dating mating and relating realm and one in particular That I heard about recently or I was listening to one of my contemporaries talking about the benefits of dating older men Older men tend to be more secure in their life older men tend to be more Financially stable older men might even be better lovers and there's some advantages to dating older men and what I mean by older men I'm talking about people in midlife and midlife is after baby making years and before retirement Well, I should say midlife is that for women? And what I'm predominant when I say after baby making years It's 42 to 69 is my primary demographic of women The thing is a man I guess can make a baby up until 60 or 70 years old if I think that's possible so But there's this belief that older men and I've I've spoken to women about this They women in their late 30s early 40s how they actually prefer dating men 20 years older Because they have this belief that these men are more mature. They're more experienced And what's fascinating to me is that as we age We actually may become even more dysfunctional as we age I'm going to repeat that we may become more dysfunctional for a variety of different reasons And I'll talk about fearful avoid in a second And what's important to recognize is as we age we have we might have more life experience Which might give us more maturity and at the same time this life experience might affect us significantly Emotionally that causes us to kind of curl inside ourselves And be less likely to actually be open to love I repeat that as we age we might actually what I mean by curl inside We might become more and more afraid of love as we get older In fact, I think in our 20s We're probably at our prime state to actually open up to a really To a relationship maybe in our 20s and 30s and as a person has and by the way ladies you know this You've experienced this if you've had one I'll say I'm going to use the word bad experience But if you've had one bad experience after another after another you may be less likely to trust love And that's what I want to lean in today So I want to actually read to you what a fearful avoidant is and we're going to talk about this for a moment And here's my trusty notes by the way Individuals with fearful avoidant attachment are a combination of preoccupied and dismissive avoidant Styles of insecure attachment They believe that they are unlovable And they also don't trust other people to support and accept them I want to read that again They believe that they're unlovable and they don't trust other people to support and accept them Because they think others will eventually reject them And then then withdraw from the relationship They may fear getting hurt rejected or abandoned by other people This causes them to avoid getting close to a partner emotionally Now once you think about this for a moment, you know, it might be confusing because men Biologically speaking come on strong when we're attracted to someone you've heard the narrative men are hunters and you know men Love the chase. Okay And certainly that's true But there's this misconception that men are hunting and chasing a fully committed relationship This is why when I hear all my younger female contemporaries talk about talk about men I'm like, you don't get us. You think you do but you don't That's why I don't give advice about women. I give advice about men because I'm a man I have gone through the emotional experiences Of of what i'm about to share. I've been through divorce. I've been through alimony child support visitation rights family court I'm going through a rectile dysfunction I'm going through all of the emotional effects that begin to happen as we age Do you know what midlife crisis is? Is that awakening? Is that a period of time where our our blueprint of the way we thought our life would be collides with our reality This idea we had our own fantasies of where our lives might be like And predominantly i'm speaking to by the way if you're in your 40s 50s or 60s the predominant roughly 75% of singles in this age demographic are divorced And divorce has significant emotional effects on a person And so I want to lean into this for a moment because understanding the fearful avoidant from as we age versus when Okay, so look I have my t-shirt that has batman on it. Okay Now if you know the story of batman, you know, I believe bruce wane at age 12 10 11 or 12 Witness his parents being murdered witness his parents being murdered now. That's an extreme example But he's a perfect example of witnessing deep trauma And what did he eventually become a fearful avoidant when it came to relationships? I don't think the comic books really got into that But certainly some of the movies and the narratives afterwards certainly in the christian bail story There's a real significant understanding of where his mental his emotional mental where well his state of being was at So that's the childhood trauma what isn't discussed in many of the books And the teachings is the adult traumas and while there's a fantastic book Folks if you haven't read the book attached by amir levine and rachel heller This will help you understand what happens from their childhood perspective Of love attachment style and it's important to understand the differences anxious attachment style avoidant attachment style secure attachment style And all the different variations within this what isn't discussed And by the way, I am by no means an expert here folks. Let me be clear about something I am talking about a topic that I am not an expert Like a therapist is on the actual topic. I'm just giving you my perspective As I see it and what I I believe happens to so many men and women as we get into our 40s 50s and 60s Is we can actually become more and more fearful of love The trauma of divorce The trauma of when I use the word trauma. I don't mean, you know this, you know Like what bruce wane experienced. I'm not talking about that kind of trauma I'm talking about just going through a nasty divorce is a traumatic event Or god forbid someone experiences like what I had most, you know, I lost a child I lost my 19 year old son Talk about what think of the emotional effects that has has happened in my life And I can't even begin to understand You know, really the complexities of how this affects me in my daily life And maybe that's the primary reason why I'm single right now. Maybe I'm afraid to put myself out there Because there's a feeling of abandonment a feeling of rejection and not that he meant to do that I cognitively understand that but imagine you loving someone so much and then they're gone And many of you know what I'm talking about when you've actually given your heart to a man And they break up or disappear or whatnot It can be it could think of the emotional effects on every human being right now and you know, what's not discussed Yes, thankfully there's more discussions on therapy than ever before And certainly there's workshops like the Hoffman process and insight seminars that are great institutions For helping individuals love on themselves But I'm here to be a champion of something more important and that's you loving on yourself By the way, in a moment, I'll talk about how to love a fearful avoidant But what I want to talk to you right now is about you loving yourself when I lost my son I felt so compelled to write a book about loving oneself. If you're not familiar with my book I'm going to pitch it right now My book is what the heck is self love anyway? It's a very simple journey of personal development self help and spiritual work To actually become More of a complete human being because you don't need a man Or a woman to make yourself complete and yet here in the united states We are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself Folks, I'm here to invite you all to love on yourself and then Share from that overflow and let me be clear I do this work daily. It's a daily practice and I'm still just partially feeling my cup up of love Better to start with a cup that is got some love in it than no love at all and One of the primary reasons why many of you women choose fearful avoidant men It's because it's actually familiar to you And most likely one of your parents was a avoidant personality and if you're not or attachment style, excuse me And if you're not familiar with the book getting the love you want by Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt By the way, there's a link below to uh, jonathan recommends books This is talks about what's known as the amago why we oftentimes choose people Like one or both of our parents And what frustrates me about dating advice in particular a lot of the Pseudo crappy dating advice you folks, you know how much I can't stand feminine energy just leaning back and that's all going to be the magic That's going to be the magic to make the guy lean in. Well, when we are dealing with a predominantly emotionally dysfunctional world We have a predominantly emotionally dysfunctional at least here in the united states. I can't speak for other I said the world But quite frankly a big chunk of the world is in poverty You know here in the united states, we should be thankful For what's what I believe is a lot of abundance. We get the benefit We have the luxury to actually work on our emotions. Imagine you're in a country We're literally just getting food and water and shelter for the day is the primary goal of just getting by We don't have those constraints at least most of us here We have the luxury to work on our emotions And yet we but and by the way, we are on we are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness here in the united states I mean it is just riddled with victim consciousness It's always blaming someone else for a lot of light instead of looking within Complaining frequently I made a friend of mine and I made a commitment Yesterday that we are going to now spend our goal is to Be accountable to each other if we're acting in a complaining fashion And we have to continually say five positive things every day to any complaint And we made a commitment to each other to hold each other accountable because our words matter The words we say out of our mouth and the words in our head matter And the poison that we are feeding ourselves matters And this is true of the dating advice out there This is why I'm I I I criticize a lot of I don't even want to call them contemporaries And a lot of pseudo people offering advice because they're not thinking of it from a genuine human behavior It's a lot of just talking about men or provider protectors And you should just pay for dates and that's just going to be all the magic fairy dust to make the relationship work Do you realize most couples don't even know how to make a relationship work? Most couples don't know true intimacy true intimacy This is why I want you to check out the book emotional intimacy by Robert Masters Where you can actually get to know someone at a heart-centered level This is this is important stuff if you want to be in a at least a functional relationship Let alone a juicy delicious relationship. I talk about the juicy delicious relationship It's going to require some Herculean work on both people's part and everything I'm saying here is true for men and women alike There is just as many I don't know statistically speaking. There are fearful avoidant women and there's fearful avoidant men So how to date a fearful avoidant person? I think it's important to recognize and by the way, I created some notes here. So let me pull up my notes And by the way, I'm not suggesting you should stay with a fearful avoidant I mean if A point basically some of the characteristics of fearful appointment. They come close. They pull away. They come close They pull away And fearful avoidants aren't bad people It's just harder for them to love This is why and by the way oftentimes fearful avoidants are characterized as Narcissist and this is then what happens is a person who can't love is then labeled a narcissist and then there's a narrative by the Oftentimes the woman complaining about the guy that he's a narcissist And then that feeds in a loop for yourself and you are doing yourself. No good By by watching video after video after video about narcissism It's not healthy. What you should be watching is uplifting videos of how to How to genuinely love on yourself And I know there's some smudging links of that in some of these videos Turn your attention to videos that actually uplift you And not bring you down because you're going to attract more of that in your life And what I mean is you're going to start seeing more and more and more of it Which effectively is attracting it and then you've shot yourself in the foot Because if you really want to shift a narrative of love, I'm going to recommend a book right now I haven't recommended this in a while The mastery of love by Don Miguel Ruiz the mastery of love by Don Miguel Ruiz I highly recommend checking this book out for yourself Because ultimately if you want to change the narrative of the person you with They're going to have to do work and you're going to have to do work and it starts by this I have my notes Communicate with your words not tantrums. Okay. It's about building trust in a relationship It's about building trust and I highly recommend these three books where I'm going to talk about first off is non-violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg Okay, I want you to check out these two short books how to build trust In a relationship and couples communication guide and lastly, this is an amazing book I hear you the surprisingly simple skills behind extraordinary relationships Why do you want to read these books? And by the way ladies if you're with this man Who's a fearful avoidant you're both going to have to do this together If he wants to have a relationship with you, then you both should join hands and say let's and you don't have to go to couples counseling Therapy you can actually go to workshops and say let's hold hand and build this relationship together And if he's not willing to do that, do you really want to invest years of your life? Holding out for somebody it's going to require them to do the work as well I'm speaking to you women that are fearful avoidants because communication is key and not tantrums anger or combative communication Next it's going to take practice and patience When he pulls away from you Because that's the toughest part because we're feeling our own rejection number three Look at his intentions. This is key. Does he does he genuinely seem like he wants to fully commit a relationship with you? Or is he just using you at his back and call if that's the case then move on Number four support and not fix again. This isn't about fixing him This is about being a team together to to co-create something together And let me just say this avoidance Need and want love just as much as you do they do And if they if you two genuinely genuinely love each other And you genuinely want to make a relationship work instead of just spend there's people that want to spend time with you And there's people that want to grow with you. I'm only suggesting Choosing the men who want to grow with you versus the ones who want to spend time with you Because ultimately why does this happen at midlife? because the older we get The more trauma emotional trauma we experience and that makes human beings more and more fearful of love And yes, there are anxious people out there But the reality is is the vast majority of people are becoming I mean more and more closed off to love and it's time to break free And I want to recommend one more book before I wrap up on this Barbara de angeles wrote an amazing book how to make love all the time these have great suggestions of how to build that Juicy delicious relationship together So I invite you guys and I invite the men that you're in relationship with to watch this video and to the guys who are Out there watching this. Look at if you have a really great woman in your life Hold her hand and say I want to grow with you And we're going to get through this And I'm going to do my part. I'm going to do my work And I invite you to hold space and do your work and together we can hold hands We can hold hands together and get make through and really work on this relationship And so we can experience true joy true love True partnership with one another. Are you willing to do that? I hope so All right folks, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this Please post a comment below if this resonated with you not please share this to your with your friends If you'd like some support check out the link to a discovery call with me if you'd like to talk to me directly Check out my link to my group midlife love mastery. Join me. I'm on instagram Follow my podcast all those juicy delicious things. I'd really love your support. All right. I'm going to wrap up this video As I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic John the bear of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now