 Helen's Babies Part XII As I arose the next morning, I found a letter under my door. Disappointed that it was not addressed in Alice's writing, I was nevertheless glad to get a word from my sister, particularly as the letter ran as follows. July 1st, 1875. Dear old brother, I've been recalling a fortnight's experience we once had of courtship in a boarding-house, and I have determined to cut short our visit here, hurry home, and give you and Alice a chance or two to see each other in parlours, where there won't be a likelihood of the dozen or two interruptions you must suffer each evening now. Tom agrees with me, like the obedient old darling that he is, so please have the carriage at Hillcrest Station for us, 1140 Friday morning. Invite Alice and her mother for me to dine with us Sunday, we'll bring them home from church with us. Lovingly, your sister Helen. P. S., of course you'll have my darlings in the carriage to receive me. P. P. S., would it annoy you to move into the best guest chamber? I can't bear to sleep where I can't have them within reach. Friday morning they intended to arrive, blessings on their thoughtful hearts, and this was Friday. I hurried into the boy's room and shouted, Toddie, Budge, who do you think is coming to see you this morning? Who? asked Budge. Organ grinder? queried Toddie. No, your Papa and Mama. Budge looked like an angel in an instant, but Toddie's eyes twitched a little and he mournfully murmured. I thought it was an organ grinder. Oh, Uncle Harry, said Budge, springing out of bed in a perfect delirium of delight. I believe if my Papa and Mama had stayed away any longer I believe I would die. I've been so lonesome for them that I haven't known what to do. I've cried whole pillows full about it right here in the dark. Why, my poor old fellow, said I, picking him up and kissing him. Why didn't you come and tell Uncle Harry and let him try to comfort you? I couldn't, said Budge. When I get lonesome it feels as if my mouth was all tied up and a great big stone was right in here. And Budge put his hand on his chest. If a big tone was inside of me, said Toddie, I'd take it out and throw it at the chickens. Toddie, said I, aren't you glad Papa and Mama are coming? Yeah, said Toddie, I think it'll be awful nice. Mama always brings me candy when she goes away any fair. Toddie, you're a mercenary wretch. Ain't a myrnicary wretch is Toddie Yancy. Toddie made nonetheless haste in dressing than his brother, however. Candy was to him what some systems of theology are to their adherents. Not a very lofty motive of action, but sweet, and something he could fully understand. So the energy displayed in getting himself tangled up in his clothes was something wonderful. Stop, boys, said I, you must have on clean clothes today. You don't want your father and mother to see you all dirty, do you? Of course not, said Budge. Oh, is I going to be just up on Nicy, asked Toddie. Goodie, goodie, goodie. I always thought my sister Helen had an undue amount of vanity, and here it was reappearing in the second generation. And I want my shoes made all nigger, said Toddie. What? Want my shoes made all nigger with a bottle-bush, too, said Toddie. I looked appealingly at Budge, who answered, He means he wants his shoes blacked with the polish that's in a bottle, and you rub it on with a brush. And I want a theft on, continued Toddie. Sash, he means, said Budge. He's awful proud. And I don't wear my packer hat, said Toddie, and my wed jubbs. That's his tassel hat and his red gloves, continued the interpreter. Toddie, you can't wear gloves such hot days as these, said I. A look of inquiry was speedily followed by Toddie's own unmistakable preparations for weeping, and as I did not want his eyes dimmed when his mother looked into them, I hastily exclaimed, Put them on then. Put on the mantle of Rude Boreus, if you choose, but don't go to crying. Don't want no mantle of Rude Boreus's, declared Toddie, following me phonetically. Watch my own pity coges, and nobody esches. Oh, Uncle Harry, exclaimed Budge, I want to bring Mama home in my goat carriage. The goat isn't strong enough, Budge, to draw Mama and you. Well, then let me drive down to the depot just to show Papa and Mama I've got a goat carriage. I'm sure Mama would be very unhappy when she found out I had one, and she hadn't seen it first thing. Well, I guess you may follow me down, Budge, but you must drive very carefully. Oh, yes, I wouldn't get as hurt when Mama was coming for anything. Now, boys, said I, I want you to stay in the house and play this morning. If you go out of doors, you'll get yourselves dirty. I guess the sun will be disappointed if it don't have us to look at, suggested Budge. Never mind, said I, the sun's old enough to have learned to be patient. Breakfast over, the boys moved reluctantly away to the playroom, while I inspected the house and grounds pretty closely to see that everything should at least fail to do my management discredit. A dollar given to Mike and another to Maggie were of material assistance in this work, so I felt free to adorn the parlours and Helen's chamber with flowers. As I went into the latter room I heard someone at the wash stand, which was in the alcove, and on looking I saw Toddy drinking the last of the contents of a goblet, which contained a dark-coloured mixture. I've taken black medicine, said Toddy. I likes black medicine awful much. What do you make it of? I asked, with some sympathy, and tracing parental influence again. When Helen and I were children we spent hours in soaking licorice in water and administering it as medicine. Make shit out of soda mixture, said Toddy. This was another medicine of our childhood days, but one prepared according to physician's prescription, and not beneficial when taken ad libitum. As I took the vial, a two-ounce one, I asked, How much did you take, Toddy? Took whole bottleful, it was nice, said he. Suddenly the label caught my eye. It read, Paragoric. In a second I had snatched a shawl, wrapped Toddy in it, tucked him under my arm, and was on my way to the barn. In a moment more I was on one of the horses and galloping furiously to the village, with Toddy under one arm, his yellow curls streaming in the breeze. People came out and stared as they did at John Gilpin, while one old farmer whom I met turned his team about, whipped up furiously, and followed me, shouting, Stop Thief. I afterward learned that he took me to be one of the abductors of Charlie Ross, with the lost child under my arm, and that visions of the $20,000 reward floated before his eyes. In front of an apothecary I brought the horse suddenly upon his haunches, and dashed in, exclaiming, Give this child a strong emetic, quick! He swallowed poison. The apothecary hurried to his prescription desk, while a motherly-looking Irish woman upon whom he had been waiting exclaimed, Holy Mother, I'll run and fetch Father O'Kelly, and hurried out. Meanwhile Toddy, upon whom the medicine had not commenced to take effect, had seized the apothecary's cat by the tail, which operation resulted in a considerable vocal protest from that animal. The experiences of the next few moments were more pronounced and revolutionary than pleasing to relate in detail. It is sufficient to say that Toddy's weight was materially diminished, and that his complexion was temporarily pallid. Father O'Kelly arrived at a brisk run, and was honestly glad to find that his services were not required, although I assured him that if Catholic baptism and a sprinkling of holy water would improve Toddy's character, I thought there was excuse for several applications. We rode quietly back to the house, and while I was asking Maggie to try to coax Toddy into taking a nap, I heard the patient remark to his brother, Buggie, down to the village, I was a whale. I didn't throw up Jonah, but I frode up a whole floor full of other things. During the hour which passed before it was time to start for the depot, my sole attention was devoted to keeping the children from soiling their clothes. But my success was so little that I lost my temper entirely. First they insisted upon playing on a part of the lawn which the son had not yet reached. Then, while I had gone into the house for a match to light my cigar, Toddy had gone with his damp shoes into the middle of the road, where the dust was ankle deep. Then they got upon their hands and knees on the piazza and played bare. Each one wanted to pick a bouquet for his mother, and Toddy took the precaution to smell every flower he approached, an operation which caused him to get his nose covered with lily pollen so that he looked like a badly used price fighter. In one of their spasms of inaction, Budge asked, What makes some of the men in church have no hair on the tops of their heads, Uncle Harry? Because, said I, pausing long enough to shake Toddy for trying to get my watch out of my pocket, because they have bad little boys to bother them all the time so their hair drops out. I guess my hairs is a going to drop out pretty soon then, remarked Toddy with an injured air. Harness the horses, Mike, I shouted. And the goat, too, added Budge. Five minutes later, I was seated in the carriage, or rather in Tom's two-seated open wagon. Mike, I shouted, I forgot to tell Maggie to have some lunch ready for the folks when they get here. Run, tell her quick, won't you? Aye, aye, sir, said Mike, and off he went. Are you all ready, boys, I asked. In a minute, said Budge, as soon as I fixed this. Now, he continued, getting into his seat, and taking the reins and whip. Go ahead. Wait a moment, Budge. Put down that whip, and don't touch the goat with it once on the way. I'm going to drive very slowly. There's plenty of time, and all you need to do is to hold your reins. All right, said Budge. But I like to look like mans when I drive. You may do that when somebody can run beside you. Now, the horses started at a gentle trot. And the goat followed very closely. When within a minute of the depot, however, the train swept in. I had intended to be on the platform to meet Tom and Helen, but my watch was evidently slow. I gave the horses the whip, looked behind, and saw the boys were close upon me. And I was so near the platform when I turned my head that nothing but the sharpest of turns saved me from a severe accident. The noble animals saw the danger as quickly as I did, however, and turned in marvelously small space. As they did so, I heard two hard thumps upon the wooden wall of the little depot, heard also two frightful howls, saw both my nephews considerably mixed up on the platform, while the driver of the Bloom Park stage growled in my ear. What in thunder did you let them hitch that goat to your axle-tree for? I looked, and saw the man spoke with just cause how the goat's head and shoulders had maintained their normal connection during the last minute of my drive. I leave for naturalists to explain. I had no time to meditate on the matter just then, for the train had stopped. Fortunately, the children had struck on their heads, and the Lawrence Burton skull is a marvel of solidity. I set them upon their feet, brushed them off with my hands, promised them all the candy they could eat for a week, wiped their eyes, and hurried them to the other side of the depot. Budge rushed at Tom, exclaiming, See my goat, Papa? Helen opened her arms, and Toddy threw himself into them, sobbing, Mom, shink Toddy one boy day. How uncomfortable a man can feel in the society of a dearly loved sister, and an incomparable brother-in-law I never imagined until that short drive. Helen was somewhat concerned about the children, but she found time to look at me with so much sympathy, humor, affection, and condescension that I really felt relieved when we reached the house. I hastily retired to my own room. But before I had shut the door, Helen was with me, and her arms were about my neck. Before the dear old girl removed them, we had grown far nearer to each other than we had ever been before. And how gloriously the rest of the day passed off. We had a delightful little lunch, and Tom brought up a bottle of Rudderer, and Helen didn't remonstrate when he insisted on its being drank from her finest glasses. And there were toasts drank to her and her mother, and to the Benedict that was to be. And then Helen proposed the makers of the match, Budge and Toddy, which was honored with bumpers. The gentlemen toasted did not respond, but they stared so curiously that I sprang from my chair and kissed them soundly, upon which Tom and Helen exchanged significant glances. Then Helen walked down to Mrs. Clarkson's boarding house, all for the purpose of showing a lady there with a skirt to make over, just how she had seen a similar garment rearranged exquisitely. And Alice strolled down to the gate with her to say goodbye, and they had so much to talk about that Helen walked Alice nearly to our house, and then insisted on her coming the rest of the way so she might be driven home. And then Mike was sent back with a note to say to Mrs. Maitan that her daughter had been prevailed upon to stay to evening dinner, but would be sent home under capable escort. And after dinner was over and the children put to bed, Tom groaned that he must attend a road board meeting, and Helen begged us to excuse her just a minute while she ran into the doctors to ask how poor Mrs. Brown had been doing, and she consumed three hours and twenty-five minutes in asking, bless her sympathetic soul. The dreaded ending of my vacation did not cause me as many pangs as I had expected. Helen wanted to know one evening why, if her poor dear Tom could go back and forth to the city to business every day, her lazy big brother couldn't go back and forth to Hillcrest daily if she were to want him as a border for the remainder of the season. Although I had for years invaded against the folly of cultivated people leaving the city to find residences, Helen's argument was unanswerable, and I submitted. I did even more. I purchased a lovely bit of ground, though the deed stands in Tom's name for the present, and Tom has brought up several plans of cottage houses, and every evening they are spread on the dining room table, and there gather round them four people, among whom are a white goods salesman, and a young lady with the brightest of eyes and cheeks full of roses and lilies. This latter named personage has her own opinions of the merits of all plans suggested, and insisted that whatever plan is adopted must have a lovely room to be set apart as the exclusive property of Helen's boys. Young as these gentlemen are, I find frequent occasions to be frightfully jealous of them, but they are unmoved by either my frowns or persuasions. Artifice alone is able to prevent their monopolizing the time of an adorable being of whose society I cannot possibly have too much. She insists that when the ceremony takes place in December, they shall officiate as groomsmen, and I have not the slightest doubt that she will carry her point. In fact I confess to frequent affectionate advances toward them myself, and when I retire without first seeking their room and putting a grateful kiss upon their unconscious lips, my conscience upbraids me with base in gratitude. To think I might yet be a hopeless bachelor, had it not been for them, is to overflow with thankfulness to the giver of Helen's babies. The End. End of Helen's Babies by John Haberton, read by Kara Schellenberg, www.kray.org, in San Diego, California.