 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Reading by Nicodemus. David Copperfield by Charles Dickens. Chapter 33. Blissful. All this time I had gone on loving Dora, harder than ever. Her idea was my refuge in disappointment and distress, and made some amends to me even for the loss of my friend. The more I pitied myself, or pitied others, the more I sought for consolation in the image of Dora. The greater the accumulation of deceit and trouble in the world, the brighter and the purer shown the star of Dora high above the world. I don't think I had any definite idea where Dora came from, or in what degree she was related to a higher order of beings, but I am quite sure I should have scouted the notion of her being simply human, like any other young lady, with indignation and contempt. If I may so express it, I was steeped in Dora. I was not merely overhead in ears in love with her, but I was saturated through and through. Enough love might have been wrung out of me metaphorically speaking to drown anybody in, and yet there would have remained enough within me and all over me to pervade my entire existence. The first thing I did on my own account when I came back was to take a night walk to Norwood, and like the subject of a venerable riddle of my childhood, to go round and round the house without ever touching the house, thinking about Dora. I believe the theme of this incomprehensible conundrum was the moon. No matter what it was, I, the moon-struck slave of Dora, perambulated round and round the house and garden for two hours, looking through crevices in the palings, getting my chin by dint of violent exertion above the rusty nails on the top, blowing kisses at the lights in the windows and romantically calling on the night at intervals to shield my Dora. I don't know exactly what from, I suppose, from fire, perhaps from mice to which she had a great objection. My love was so much in my mind, and it was so natural to me to confide in Pagati when I found her again by my side of an evening with an old set of industrial implements busily making the tour of my wardrobe that I imparted to her in a sufficiently roundabout way my great secret. Pagati was strongly interested, but I could not get her into my view of the case at all. She was audaciously prejudiced in my favor and quite unable to understand why I should have any misgivings or be low-spirited about it. The lady might think herself well off, she observed, to have such a beau. And as to her paw, she said, what did the gentleman expect for gracious sake? I observed, however, that Mr. Spinlow's proctoral gown and stiff cravat took Pagati down a little and inspired her with a greater reverence for the man who was gradually becoming more and more etherealized in my eyes every day and about whom a reflected radiance seemed to me to beam that he sat erect in court among his papers like a little lighthouse in a sea of stationery. And by the by it used to be uncommonly strange to me to consider, I remember as I sat in court too, how those dim old judges and doctors wouldn't have cared for Dora if they had known her, how they wouldn't have gone out of their senses with rapture if marriage with Dora had been proposed to them, how Dora might have sung and played upon that glorified guitar until she led me to the verge of madness yet not yet not have tempted one of those slow-goers an inch out of his road. I despised them to a man, frozen out old gardeners in the flower beds of the heart. I took a personal fence against them all. The bench was nothing to me but an insensible blunderer. The bar had no more tenderness or poetry in it than the bar of a public house. Taking the management of Pagati's affairs into my own hands with no little pride, I proved the will and came to a settlement with the legacy duty office and took her to the bank and soon got everything into an orderly train. We varied the legal character of these proceedings by going to see some perspiring waxwork in Fleet Street melted I should hope these 20 years. And by visiting this Linwood's exhibition which I remember as a mausoleum of needlework favourable to self-examination and repentance and by inspecting the Tower of London and going to the top of St. Paul's. All these wonders afforded Pagati as much pleasure as she was able to enjoy under the existing circumstances. Except I think St. Paul's which from her long attachment to her work box became a rival of the picture on the lid and in some particulars vanquished she considered by that work of art. Pagati's business which was what we used to call common form business in the commons and very light and lucrative the common form business was being settled I took her down to the office one morning to pay her bill. Mr. Spinlow had stepped out old Tiffy said to get a gentleman sworn for a marriage license but as I knew he would be back directly our place lying close to the surrogates and to the vicar general's office too I told Pagati to wait. We were a little like undertakers in the commons as regarded probate transaction generally making it a rule to look more or less cut up when we had to deal with clients in mourning. In a similar feeling of delicacy we were always blithe and light-hearted with the license clients. Therefore I hinted to Pagati that she would find Mr. Spinlow much recovered from the shock of Mr. Barkas's disease and indeed he came in like a bridegroom. But neither Pagati nor I had eyes for him when we saw in company with him Mr. Murdston. He was very little changed his hair looked as thick and was certainly as black as ever and his glance was as little to be trusted as of old. Ah Copperfield said Mr. Spinlow you know this gentleman I believe. I made my gentleman a distant bow and Pagati barely recognized him. He was at first somewhat disconcerted to meet us two together but quickly decided what to do and came up to me. I hope he said that you are doing well. It can hardly be interesting to you said I. Yes if you wish to know. We looked at each other and he addressed himself to Pagati. And you he said I'm sorry to observe that you have lost your husband. It's not the first loss I have had in my life Mr. Murdston replied Pagati trembling from head to foot. I am glad to hope that there is nobody to blame for this one nobody to answer for it. Ha said he that's a comfortable reflection you have done your duty. I have not worn anybody's life away said Pagati. I am thankful to think no Mr. Murdston I have not warranted and frightened any sweet creature to an early grave. He eyed her gloomily remorsefully I thought for an instant and said turning his head towards me but looking at my feet instead of my face. We are not likely to encounter soon again a source of satisfaction to us both no doubt for such meetings as this can never be agreeable. I do not expect you who have always rebelled against my just authority exerted for your benefit and reformation should owe me any good will now. There is an antipathy between us an old one I believe said I interrupting him. He smiled and shot as evil a glance at me as could come from his dark eyes. It rankled in your baby breast he said it embittered the life of your poor mother you are right I hope you may do better yet I hope you may correct yourself. Here he ended the dialogue which had been carried in a low voice in a corner of the outer office by passing into Mr. Spenlow's room and saying aloud in his smoothest manner gentlemen of Mr. Spenlow's profession are accustomed to family differences and know how complicated and difficult they always are with that he paid the money for his license and receiving it neatly folded from Mr. Spenlow together with a shake of the hand and a polite wish for his happiness and the ladies went out of the office. I might have had more difficulty in constraining myself to be silent under his words if I had had less difficulty in impressing upon Pagati who was only angry on my account good creature that we were not in a place for recrimination and that I besought her to hold her peace. She was so unusually roused that I was glad to compound for an affectionate hug elicited by this revival in her mind of our old injuries and to make the best I could of it before Mr. Spenlow and the clerks. Mr. Spenlow did not appear to know what the connection between Mr. Murdston and myself was which I was glad of for I could not bear to acknowledge him even in my own breast remembering what I did of the history of my poor mother. Mr. Spenlow seemed to think if he thought anything about the matter that my aunt was the leader of the state party in our family and that there was a rebel party commanded by someone else. So I gathered at least from what he said why we were waiting for Mr. Tiffy to make out Pagati's bill of costs. Ms. Trotwood, he remarked is very firm no doubt and not likely to give way to opposition. I have an admiration for her character and I may congratulate you Copperfield on being on the right side. Differences between relations are much to be deplored but they are extremely general and the great thing is to be on the right side meaning I take it on the side of the moneyed interest. Rather a good marriage this I believe said Mr. Spenlow. I explained that I knew nothing about it. Indeed he said speaking from the few words Mr. Murdston dropped as a man frequently does on these occasions and from what Ms. Murdston let fall I should say it was rather a good marriage. Do you mean that there is money sir? I asked. Yes said Mr. Spenlow I understand there's money. Beauty too I am told. Indeed is his new wife young. Just of age said Mr. Spenlow so lately that I should think that they had been waiting for that. Lord deliver her said Pagati so very emphatically and unexpectedly that we were all three discomposed until Tiffy came in with the bill. Old Tiffy soon appeared however and handed it to Mr. Spenlow to look over. Mr. Spenlow sitting his chin in his cravat and rubbing it softly went over the items with the Tory air as if it were all Jorkens doing and handed it back to Tiffy with the bland sigh. Yes he said that's right quite right I should have been extremely happy Copperfield to have limited these charges to the actual expenditure out of pocket but it is an irksome incident in my professional life that I am not at liberty to consult my own wishes. I have a partner Mr. Jorkens. As he said this with the gentle melancholy the next thing to making no charge at all I expressed my acknowledgments on Pagati's behalf and paid Tiffy in banknotes. Pagati then retired to her lodging and Mr. Spenlow and I went into court where we had a divorce suit coming on under an ingenious little statute repealed now I believe but in virtue of which I have seen several marriages and old of which the marriage were these the husband whose name was Thomas Benjamin had taken out his marriage license as Thomas only suppressing the Benjamin in case he should not find himself as comfortable as he expected not finding himself as comfortable as he expected or being a little fatigued with his wife poor fellow he now came forward by a friend after being married a year or two and declared that his name was Thomas Benjamin and therefore he was not married at all which the court confirmed to his great satisfaction I must say I had my doubts about the strict justice of this and was not even frightened out of them by the bushel of wheat which reconciles all anomalies but Mr. Spenlow argued the matter with me he said look at the world there was good and evil in that look at the ecclesiastical law there was good and evil in that it was all part of a system very good there you were I had not the hardyhood to suggest to Dora's father that possibly we might even improve the world a little if we got up early in the morning and took off our coats to the work but I confessed that I thought we might improve the commons Mr. Spenlow replied that he would particularly advise me to dismiss that idea from my mind as not being worthy of my gentlemanly character but that he would be glad to hear from me of what improvement I thought the commons susceptible taking that part of the commons which happened to be nearest to us for our man was unmarried by this time and we were out of court and strolling past the prerogative office I submitted that the prerogative office would rather a clearly managed institution Mr. Spenlow inquired in what respect I replied with all due deference to his experience but with more deference I am afraid to his being Dora's father that perhaps it was a little nonsensical that the registry of that court containing the original wills of all persons leaving effects within the immense province of Canterbury for three whole centuries should be an accidental building never designed for the purpose leased by the registrars with emoluments, unsafe not even ascertained to be fireproof choked with the important documents it held and positively from the roof to the basement a mercenary speculation of the registrars who took great fees from the public and crammed the public's wills away anyhow and anywhere having no other object than to get rid of them cheaply that perhaps it was a little unreasonable that these registrars in the receipt of profits amounting to eight or nine thousand pounds a year for the profits of the deputy registrars and clerks of seats should not be obliged to spend a little of that money in finding a reasonably safe place for the important documents which all classes of people were compelled to hand over to them whether they would or no that perhaps it was a little unjust that all the great offices in this great office should be magnificent sinecures while the unfortunate working clerks in the cold dark room upstairs were the worst rewarded in London that perhaps it was a little indecent that the principal registrar of all whose duty it was to find the public constantly restoring to this place all needful accommodation should be an enormous sinecurist in virtue of that post and might be besides a clergyman a pluralist, the holder of a staff in a cathedral and what not while the public was put to the inconvenience of which we had a specimen every afternoon when the office was busy and which we knew to be quite monstrous perhaps in short, this prerogative office of the diocese of Canterbury was altogether such a pestilent job and such a pernicious absurdity that but for its being squeezed away in a corner of St. Paul's churchyard which few people knew it must have been turned completely inside out and upside down long ago Mr. Spenlo smiled as I became modestly warm on the subject and then argued this question with me as he had argued the other he said what was it after all it was a question of feeling if the public felt that their wills were in safe keeping and took it for granted that the office was not to be made better who was the worse for it nobody who was the better for it all the sinecurists very well then the good predominated it might not be a perfect system nothing was perfect but what he objected to was the insertion of the wedge under the prerogative office the country had been glorious insert the wedge into the prerogative office and the country would cease to be glorious he considered it the principle of a gentleman to take things as he found them and he had no doubt the prerogative office would last our time I deferred to his opinion though I had great doubts of it myself I find he was right however for it has not only lasted to the present moment but has done so in the teeth of a great parliamentary report made not too willingly 18 years ago when all these objections of mine were set forth in detail the existing stowage for wills was described as equal to the accumulation of only two years and a half more what they have done with them since whether they have lost many or whether they sell any now and then to the buttershops I don't know I am glad mine is not there and I hope it may not go there yet a while I have set all this down in my present blissful chapter because here it comes into its natural place Mr. Spinlow and I falling into this conversation prolonged it and our saunter to and fro until we diverged into general topics and so it came about in the end that Mr. Spinlow told me this day week was Doher's birthday and he would be glad if I would come down and join a little picnic on the occasion I went out of my senses immediately became a mere driveler next day on receipt of a little lace edged sheet of note paper favoured by Papa to remind and pass the intervening period in a state of dodage I think I committed every possible absurdity in the way of preparation for this blessed event I turn hot when I remember the cravet I bought my boots might be placed in any collection of instruments of torture I provided and sent down by the Norwood coach the night before a delicate little hamper amounting in itself I thought almost to a declaration there were crackers in it with the tenderest mottos that could be got for money at six in the morning I was in Covent Garden Market buying a bouquet for Dora at ten I was on horseback I hired a gallant grey for the occasion with the bouquet in my hat to keep it fresh trotting down to Norwood I suppose that when I saw Dora in the garden and pretended not to see her and rode past the house pretending to be anxiously looking for it two small fulleries which other young gentlemen in my circumstances might have committed because they came so very natural to me but oh when I did find the house and did dismount at the garden gate and drag those stony hearted boots across the lawn to Dora sitting on a garden seat under a lilac tree what a spectacle she was upon that beautiful morning among the butterflies in a white chip bonnet in a dress of celestial blue there was a young lady with her comparatively stricken in years almost twenty I should say her name was Miss Mills and Dora called her Julia she was the bosom friend of Dora happy Miss Mills Jip was there and Jip would bark at me again when I presented my bouquet he gnashed his teeth with jealousy well he might if he had the least idea how I adored his mistress well he might well thank you Mr. Copperfield what dear flowers said Dora I had an intention of saying and had been studying the best form of words for three miles that I thought them beautiful before I saw them so near her but I couldn't manage it she was too bewildering to see her lay the flowers against her little dimple chin was to lose all presence of mind and power of language in a feeble ecstasy I wonder I didn't say kill me if you have a heart Miss Mills let me die here then Dora held my flowers to Jip to smell then Jip growled and wouldn't smell them then Dora laughed and held him a little closer to Jip to make him then Jip laid hold of a bit of geranium with his teeth and worried imaginary cats in it then Dora beat him and powdered and said my poor beautiful flowers as compassionately I thought as if Jip had laid hold of me I wished he had you'll be so glad to hear Mr. Copperfield said Dora that that cross Miss Murdston is not here she has gone to her brother's marriage and will be away at least three weeks isn't that delightful I said I was sure it must be delightful to her and all that was delightful to her was delightful to me Miss Mills with an air of superior wisdom and benevolence smiled upon us she is the most disagreeable thing I ever saw said Dora you can't believe how ill-tempered and shocking she is Julia yes I can my dear said Julia you can perhaps love return Dora with her hand on Julius forgive my not accepting you my dear at first I learnt from this that Miss Mills had had her trials in the course of a checkered existence and that to these perhaps I might refer that wise benignity of manner which I had already noticed I found in the course of the day that this was the case Miss Mills having been unhappy in a misplaced affection and being understood to have retired from the world on her awful stock of experience but still to take a calm interest in the unblighted hopes and loves of youth but now Mr. Spinlow came out of the house and Dora went to him saying look Papa what beautiful flowers and Miss Mills smiled thoughtfully as who should say may flies, enjoy your brief existence in the bright morning of life and we walked from the lawn towards the carriage which was getting ready I shall never have such a ride again I have never had such another there are only these three their hamper, my hamper and the guitar case in the faton and of course the faton was open and I rode behind it and Dora sat with her back to the horses looking towards me she kept the bouquet close to her on the cushion and wouldn't allow Jip to sit on that side of her at all for fear he should crush it she often carried it in her hand often refreshed herself with its fragrance our eyes at those times often met and my great astonishment is that I didn't go over the head of my gallant gray into the carriage there was dust I believe there was a good deal of dust I believe I have a faint impression that Mr. Spinlow remonstrated me for riding in it but I knew of none I was sensible of a mist of love and beauty about Dora but of nothing else he stood up sometimes and asked me what I thought of the prospect I said it was delightful and I dare say it was but it was all Dora to me the sun shone Dora and the birds sang Dora the south wind blew Dora and the wildflowers and the hedges my comfort is Miss Mills understood me Miss Mills alone could enter into my feelings thoroughly I don't know how long we were going and to this hour I know as little where we went perhaps it was near Guildford perhaps some Arabian night magician opened up the place for the day and shut it up forever when we came away it was a green spot on a hill carpeted with soft turf they were shady trees and heather and as far as the eye could see a rich landscape it was a trying thing to find people here waiting for us and my jealousy even of the ladies knew no bounds but all of my own sex especially one imposter three or four years my elder with a red whisker on which he established an amount of presumption not to be endured were my mortal foes we all unpacked our baskets and employed ourselves in getting dinner ready red whisker pretended he could make a salad which I don't believe and obtruded himself on public notice some of the young ladies washed the lettuces for him and sliced them under his directions Dora was among these I felt that fate had pitted me against this man and one of us must fall red whisker made his salad I wondered how they could eat it nothing should have induced me to touch it and voted himself into the charge of the wine cellar which he constructed being an ingenious beast in the hollow trunk of a tree by and by I saw him with the majority of a lobster on his plate eating his dinner at the feet of Dora I have but an indistinct idea of what happened for some time after this baleful object presented itself to my view I was very merry I know but it was hollow merriment I attached myself to a young creature in pink with little eyes and waited with her desperately she received my attentions with favor but whether on my account solely or because she had any designs on red whisker I can't say Dora's health was drunk when I drank it I affected to interrupt my conversation for that purpose and to resume it immediately afterwards I caught Dora's eye as I bowed to her and I thought it looked appealing but it looked at me over their head of red whisker and I was adamant the young creature in pink had a mother in green and I rather think the latter separated us from motives of policy how be it there was a general breaking up of the party while the remnants of the dinner were being put away and I strolled off by myself among the trees in a raging and remorseful state I was debating whether I should pretend that I was not well and fly I don't know where upon my gallant gray when Dora and Miss Mills met me Mr. Copperfield said Miss Mills you are dull I beg to pardon not at all and Dora said Miss Mills you are dull oh dear no not in the least Mr. Copperfield and Dora said Miss Mills with an almost venerable air enough of this do not allow a trivial misunderstanding to weather the blossoms of spring which once put forth and blighted cannot be renewed I speak said Miss Mills from experience of the past the remote irrevocable past the gushing fountains which sparkle in the sun must not be stopped in mere caprice the oasis in the desert of Sahara must not be plucked up idly I hardly knew what I did I was burning all over to that extraordinary extent but I took Dora's little hand and kissed it and she let me I kissed Miss Mills's hand and we all seemed to my thinking to go straight up to the seventh heaven we did not come down again we stayed up there all the evening at first we strayed to and fro among the trees I with Dora's shy arm drawn through mine and heaven knows folly as it all was it would have been a happy fate to have been struck immortal with those foolish feelings and have stayed among the trees forever but much too soon we heard the others laughing and talking where's Dora? so we went back and they wanted Dora to sing Red Whisker would have got the guitar case out of the carriage but Dora told him nobody knew where it was but I so Red Whisker was done for her in a moment and I got it and I unlocked it and I took the guitar out and I sat by her and I held her handkerchief in gloves and I drank in every note of her dear voice and she sang to me who loved her and I was applauded as much as they liked but they had nothing to do with it I was intoxicated with joy I was afraid it was too happy to be real and that I should wake in Buckingham Street presently and hear Miss Crump clinking the tea cups and getting breakfast ready but Dora sang and other sang and Miss Mills sang about the slumbering echoes and the caverns of memory as if she were a hundred years old and the evening came on with the kettle boiling gypsy fashion and I was still as happy as ever I was happier than ever when the party broke up and the other people defeated Red Whisker and all went their several ways and we went ours through the still evening and the dying light with sweet scents rising up around us Mr. Spinlow being a little drowsy after the champagne honored to the soil that grew the grape to the grape that made the wine to the sun that ripened it adulterated it and being fast asleep in a corner of the carriage I rode by the side and talked to Dora she admired my horse and patted him oh what a dear little hand it looked upon a horse and her shawl would not keep right and now and then I drew it round her with my arm and I even fancied that Chip began to see how it was and to understand that he must make up his mind to be friends with me that sagacious Miss Mills too that amiable though quite used up recluse that little patriarch of something less than twenty who had done with the world and mustn't on any account have the slumbering echoes in the caverns of memory awakened what a kind thing she did Mr. Copperfield said Miss Mills come to this side of the carriage a moment if you can spare a moment I want to speak to you behold me on my gallant gray bending at the side of Miss Mills with my hand upon the carriage door Dora is coming to stay with me she is coming home with me the day after tomorrow if you would like to call I am sure Papa would be happy to see you what could I do but invoke a silent blessing on Miss Mills' head and store Mrs. Mills' address in the securest corner of my memory what could I do but tell Miss Mills with grateful looks and fervent words how much I appreciated her good offices and what an inestimable value I set upon her friendship then Miss Mills benignly dismissed me saying go back to Dora and I went and Dora leaned out of the carriage to talk to me and we talked all the rest of the way and I rode my gallant gray so close to the wheel that I grazed his foreleg against it and took the bark off as his owner told me to the tune of Three Puns Ziven which I paid and though extremely cheap for so much joy what time Miss Mills sat looking at the moon murmuring verses and recalling I suppose the ancient days when she and the earth had anything in common Norwood was many miles too near and we reached it many hours too soon but Mr. Spinlow came to himself a little short of it and said you must come in Copperfield and rest and I consenting we had sandwiches and wine and water in the light room Dora blushing looked so lovely that I could not tear myself away but sat there staring in a dream until the snoring of Mr. Spinlow inspired me with sufficient consciousness to take my leave so we parted I riding all the way to London with the farewell touch of Dora's hand still light on mine recalling every incident and word ten thousand times lying down in my own bed at last as enraptured a young noodle as ever was carried out of his five wits by love when I awoke next morning I was resolute to declare my passion to Dora and know my fate happiness or misery was now the question there was no other question that I knew of in the world and only Dora could give the answer to it I passed three days in a luxury of wretchedness torturing myself by putting every conceivable variety of discouraging construction all that ever had taken place between Dora and me I'd last arrayed for the purpose at a vast expense I went to Mrs. Mills fraught with the declaration how many times I went up and down the street and round the square painfully aware of being a much better answer to the old griddle than the original one before I could persuade myself to go up the steps and knock is no matter now even when at last I had knocked and was waiting at the door thinking if that were Mr. Black Boys an imitation of Port Barkas begging pardon and retreating but I kept my ground Mr. Mills was not at home I did not expect he would be nobody wanted him Ms. Mills was at home Ms. Mills would do I was shown into a room upstairs where Ms. Mills and Dora were Jip was there Ms. Mills was copying music I recollect it was a new song called Affection's Durge and Dora was painting flowers what were my feelings when I recognized my own flowers the identical Covent Garden market purchase I cannot say that they were very like or that they particularly resembled any flowers that have ever come under my observation but I knew from the paper around them which was accurately copied what the composition was Ms. Mills was very glad to see me and very sorry her papa was not at home though I thought we all bore that with fortitude Ms. Mills was conversational for a few minutes and then laying down her pen upon Affection's Durge got up and left the room I began to think I would put it off until tomorrow I hope your poor horse was not tired when he got home at night said Dora lifting up her beautiful eyes it was a long way for him I began to think I would do it today it was a long way for him said I for he had nothing to uphold him on the journey wasn't he fed poor thing asked Dora I began to think I would put it off until tomorrow yes I said he was well taken care of I mean he had not the unutterable happiness that I had in being so near you Dora bent her head over the drawing and said after a little while I had sat in the interval in a burning fever and with my legs in a state you don't seem to be sensible of that happiness yourself at one time of the day I saw now that I was in for it and it must be done on the spot you didn't care for that happiness in the least said Dora slightly raising her eyebrows and shaking her head when you were sitting by Ms. Kitt Kitt I should observe was the name of the creature in pink with the little eyes though certainly I don't know why you said Dora or why you should call it a happiness at all but of course you don't mean what you say and I am sure no one doubts you're being at liberty to do whatever you like Jip you naughty boy come here I don't know how I did it I did it in a moment I intercepted Jip I had Dora in my arms I was full of eloquence I never stopped for a word I told her how I loved her I told her I should die without her I told her that I idolized and worshipped her Jip barked madly all the time when Dora hung her head and cried and trembled my eloquence increased so much the more if she would like me to die for her she had but to say the word and I was ready life without Dora's love was not a thing to have on any terms I couldn't bear it and I wouldn't I loved her every minute day and night since I first saw her I loved her at that minute to distraction I should always love her every minute to distraction lovers have loved before and lovers would love again but no lover had loved might, could, would or should ever love as I love Dora the more I raved the more Jip barked each of us in his own way well well Dora and I were sitting on the sofa by and by quiet enough and Jip was lying in her lap winking peacefully at me it was off my mind I was in a state of perfect rapture Dora and I were engaged I suppose we had some notion that this was to end in marriage we must have had some because Dora stipulated that we were never to be married without her papa's consent but in our youthful ecstasy I don't think that we really looked before us or behind us or had any aspiration beyond the ignorant present we were to keep our secret from Mr. Spinlow but I am sure the idea never entered my head then that there was anything dishonorable in that Miss Mills was more than usually pensive when Dora going to find her brought her back I apprehend because there was a tendency in what had passed to awaken the slumbering echoes in the caverns of memory but she gave us her blessing and the assurance of her lasting friendship and spoke to us generally as became a voice from the cloister what an idle time it was what insubstantial happy foolish time it was when I measured Dora's finger for a ring that was to be made of forget-me-nots and when the jeweler to whom I took the measure found me out and laughed over his order book and charged me anything he liked for the pretty little toy with its blue stones in my remembrance with Dora's hand that yesterday when I saw such another by chance on the finger of my own daughter there was a momentary stirring in my heart like pain when I walked about exalted with my secret and full of my own interest and felt the dignity of loving Dora and of being beloved so much that if I had walked the air I could not have been more above the people not so situated who were creeping on the earth in the garden of the square and sat within the dingy summer house so happy that I loved the London Sparrows to this hour for nothing else and see the plumage of the tropics in their smoky feathers when we had our first great quarrel within a week of our betrothal and when Dora sent me back the ring and closed in a despairing cocked hat note wherein she used the terrible expression that our love had begun in folly and ended in madness which dreadful words occasioned me that all was over when undercover of the night I flew to Miss Mills whom I saw by stealth in a back kitchen where there was a mangle and implored Miss Mills to interpose between us and avert insanity when Miss Mills undertook the office and returned with Dora exhorting us from the pulpit of her own bitter youth to mutual concession and the avoidance of the desert of Sahara when we cried and made it up and were so blessed again mangle and all changed to Love's own temple where we arranged a plan of correspondence through Miss Mills always to comprehend at least one letter on each side every day what an idle time what an insubstantial happy foolish time of all the times of mine the time has in his grip there is none that in one retrospect I can smile at half so much and think of half so tenderly End of Chapter 33 of David Copperfield by Charles Dickens reading by Nicodemus Chapter 34 of David Copperfield this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org this reading by Deborah Lynn David Copperfield by Charles Dickens Chapter 34 my aunt astonishes me I wrote to Agnes as soon as Dora and I were engaged I wrote her a long letter in which I tried to make her comprehend how blessed I was and what a darling Dora was I entreated Agnes not to regard this as a thoughtless passion which could ever yield to any other or had the least resemblance to the boyish fancies that we used to joke about I assured her that its profundity was quite unfathomable and expressed my belief that nothing like had ever been known somehow as I wrote to Agnes on a fine evening by my open window and the remembrance of her clear calm eyes and gentle face came stealing over me it shed such a peaceful influence upon the hurry and agitation in which I had been living lately and of which my very happiness partook in some degree that it soothed me into tears I remember that I sat resting my head upon my hand when the letter was half done cherishing a general fancy as if Agnes were one of the elements of my natural home as if in the retirement of the house made almost sacred to me by her presence Dora and I must be happier than anywhere as if in love, joy, sorrow, hope or disappointment in all emotions my heart turned naturally there and found its refuge in best friend of steerforth I said nothing I only told her there had been sad grief at Yarmouth an account of Emily's flight and that on me it made a double wound by reason of the circumstances attending it I knew how quick she always was to divine the truth and that she would never be the first to breathe his name to this letter I received an answer by return of post as I read it I seemed to hear Agnes speaking to me it was like her cordial voice in my ears what can I say more while I had been away from home lately Trattles had called twice or thrice finding Peggity within and being informed by Peggity who always volunteered that information to whosoever would receive it that she was my old nurse he had established a good humor acquaintance with her and had stayed to have a little chat with her about me so Peggity said but I am afraid the chat was all on her own side and of immoderate length as she was very difficult indeed to stop God bless her when she had the opportunity for her theme this reminds me not only that I expected Trattles on a certain afternoon of his own appointing which was now come but that Mrs. Krupp had resigned to everything appertaining to her office the salary accepted until Peggity should cease to present herself Mrs. Krupp after holding diverse conversations respecting Peggity in a very high pitched voice on the staircase with some invisible familiar for corporeally speaking she was quite alone at those times addressed a letter to me developing her views beginning it with that statement of universal application which fitted every occurrence of her life namely that she was a mother herself she went on to inform me that she had once seen very different days but that at all periods of her existence she had had a constitutional objection to spies, intruders and informers she named no names she said let them the cap fitted wear it but spies, intruders and informers especially in winter's weeds this clause was underlined she had ever accustomed herself to look down upon if a gentleman was the victim of spies intruders and informers but still naming no names that was his own pleasure he had a right to please himself so let him do all that she Mrs. Krupp stipulated for was that she should not be brought in contract with such persons therefore she begged to be excused from any further attendance on the top set until things were as they formerly was and as they could be wished to be and further mentioned that her little book would be found upon the breakfast table every Saturday morning when she requested an immediate settlement of the same with the benevolent view of saving trouble and an ill convenience to all parties after this Mrs. Krupp confined herself to making pitfalls on the stairs principally with pitchers and endeavoring to delude Peggity into breaking her legs I found it rather harassing to live in this state of siege but was too much afraid of Mrs. Krupp to see any way out of it my dear Copperfield cried Traddles punctually appearing at my door in spite of all these obstacles how do you do my dear Traddles said I I am delighted to see you at last and very sorry I have not been at home before but I have been so much engaged yes yes I know said Traddles of course yours lives in London I think what did you say she excuse me Miss D you know said Traddles coloring in his great delicacy lives in London I believe oh yes near London mine perhaps you recollect said Traddles with a serious look lives down in Devonshire one of ten consequently I am not so much engaged as you in that sense I wonder you can bear I returned to see her so seldom ha said Traddles thoughtfully it does seem a wonder I suppose it is Copperfield because there is no help for it I suppose so I replied with a smile and not without a blush and because you have so much constancy and patience Traddles dear me said Traddles considering about it do I strike you in that way Copperfield really I didn't know that I had but she is such an extraordinarily dear girl herself that it's possible she may have imparted something of those virtues to me now you mention it Copperfield I shouldn't wonder at all I assure you she is always forgetting herself and taking care of the other nine is she the eldest I inquired oh dear no said Traddles the eldest is a beauty he saw I suppose that I could not help smiling at the simplicity of this reply with a smile upon his own ingenuous face not of course but that my Sophie pretty name Copperfield I always think very pretty said I not of course but that Sophie is beautiful too in my eyes and would be one of the dearest girls that ever was in anybody's eyes I should think but when I say the eldest is a beauty I mean she really is a he seemed to be describing clouds about himself with both hands splendid you know Traddles energetically indeed said I oh I assure you said Traddles something very uncommon indeed then you know being formed for society and admiration and not being able to enjoy much of it in consequence of their limited means she naturally gets a little irritable and exacting sometimes Sophie puts her in good humor is Sophie the youngest I hazarded oh dear no said Traddles stroking his chin only nine and ten Sophie educates him the second daughter perhaps I hazarded no said Traddles Sarah is the second Sarah has something to matter with her spine poor girl the melody will wear out by and by the doctors say but in the meantime she has to lie down for a twelve month Sophie nurses her Sophie's the fourth is the mother living I inquired oh yes said Traddles she is alive she is a very superior woman indeed but the damp country is not adapted to her constitution and in fact she has lost the use of her limbs hear me said I very sad is it not return Traddles but in a merely domestic view it is not so bad as it might be because Sophie takes her place she is quite as much a mother to her mother as she is to the other nine I felt the greatest admiration for the views of this young lady and honestly with the view of doing my best to prevent the good nature of Traddles from being imposed upon to the detriment of their joint prospects in life inquired how Mr. McCauber was he is quite well Copperfield thank you said Traddles I am not living with him at present no no you see the truth is said Traddles in a whisper he had changed his name to Mortimer in consequence of his temporary embarrassments and he don't come out till after dark and then in spectacles there was an execution put into our house for rent Mrs. McCauber was in such a dreadful state that I really couldn't resist giving my name to that second bill we spoke of here you may imagine how delightful it was to my feelings Copperfield to see the matter settled with it and Mrs. McCauber recovered her spirits home said I not that her happiness was of long duration pursued Traddles for unfortunately within a week another execution came in it broke up the establishment I have been living in a furnished apartment since then and the Mortimer's have been very private indeed I hope you won't think it selfish Copperfield if I mention that the broker carried off my little round table with the marble top and Sophie's flowerpot and stand what a hard thing I exclaimed indignantly it was a it was a pull said Traddles as usual wins at that expression I don't mention it reproachfully however but with a motive the fact is Copperfield I was unable to repurchase them at the time of their seizure in the first place because the broker having an idea that I wanted them ran the price up to an extravagant extent and in the second place because I hadn't any money now I have kept my eyes since upon the broker's shop said Traddles with a great enjoyment of his mystery which is up on the top of Tottenham Court Road and at last today I find them put out for sale I have only noticed them from over the way because if the broker saw me bless you he'd ask any price for them what has occurred to me having now the money is that perhaps you wouldn't object to ask that good nurse of yours to come with me to the shop I can show it her from around the corner of the next street and make the best bargain for them as if they were for herself that she can with which Traddles propounded this plan to me and the sense he had of its uncommon artfulness are among the freshest things in my remembrance I told him that my old nurse would be delighted to assist him and that we would all three take the field together but on one condition that condition was that he should make a solemn resolution to grant no more loans of his name or anything else to Mr. McCauber my dear Copperfield said Traddles I have already done so because I begin to feel that I have not only been inconsiderate but that I have been positively unjust to Sophie my word being passed to myself there is no longer any apprehension but I pledge it to you too with the greatest readiness that first unlucky obligation I have paid I have no doubt Mr. McCauber would have paid it if he could but he could not one thing I ought to mention which I like very much in Mr. McCauber which is not yet due he don't tell me that it is provided for but he says it will be now I think there is something very fair and honest about that I was unwilling to damp my good friend's confidence and therefore assented after a little further conversation we went round to the Chandler shop to enlist Pegadie Traddles declining to pass the evening with me both because he endured the liveliest apprehensions that before he could repurchase it and because it was the evening he always devoted to writing to the dearest girl in the world I never shall forget him peeping round the corner of the street in Tottenham Court Road while Pegadie was bargaining for the precious articles or his agitation when she came slowly towards us after vainly offering a price and was hailed by the relenting broker and went back again the end of the negotiation was that she bought the property on tolerably easy terms and Traddles was transported with pleasure I am very much obliged to you indeed said Traddles on hearing it was to be sent to where he lived that night if I might ask one other favor I hope you would not think it absurd Copperfield I said beforehand certainly not then if you would be good enough said Traddles to Pegadie to get the flowerpot now I think I should like it being Sophie's Copperfield to carry it home myself Pegadie was glad to get it for him and he overwhelmed her with thanks and went his way up Tottenham Court Road carrying the flowerpot affectionately in his arms with one of the most delighted expressions of countenance I ever saw we then turned back towards my chambers as the shops had charms for Pegadie which I never knew them possess in the same degree for anybody else I sauntered easily along amused by her staring in at the windows and waiting for her as often as she chose we were thus a good while in getting to the Adelphi on our way upstairs I called her attention to the sudden disappearance of Mrs. Crump's pitfalls and also to the prints of recent footsteps we were both very much surprised coming higher up to find my outer door standing open which I had shut and to hear voices inside we looked at one another without knowing what to make of this into the sitting room what was my amazement to find of all people upon earth my aunt there and Mr. Dick my aunt sitting on a quantity of luggage with her two birds before her and her cat on her knee like a female Robinson Crusoe drinking tea Mr. Dick leaning thoughtfully on a great kite such as we had often been out together to fly with more luggage piled about him my dear aunt cried I why what an unexpected pleasure we cordially embraced and Mr. Dick and I cordially shook hands and Mrs. Crump who was busy making tea and could not be too attentive cordially said she had known well as Mr. Copperful would have his heart in his mouth when he see his dear relations hello said my aunt to Peggy who quailed before her awful presence how are you you remember my aunt Peggy said I for the love of goodness child my aunt don't call the woman by that South Sea Island name if she married and got rid of it which was the best thing she could do why don't you give her the benefit of the change what's your name now P said my aunt as a compromise for the obnoxious appellation Barkas ma'am said Peggy with a curtsy well that's human said my aunt it sounds less as if you wanted a missionary how do you do Barkas I hope you're well encouraged by these gracious words and by my aunts extending her hand Barkas came forward and took the hand and curtsy her acknowledgments we are older than we were I see said my aunt we have only met each other once before you know a nice business we made of it then trot my dear another cup I handed it dutifully to my aunt who was in her usual inflexible state of figure and ventured a remonstrance with her on the subject of her sitting on a box I can't draw the sofa here or the easy chair aunt said I why should you be so uncomfortable thank you trot replied my aunt I prefer to sit upon my property here my aunt looked hard at Mrs. Krupp and observed we needn't trouble you to wait ma'am shall I put a little more tea in the pot before I go ma'am said Mrs. Krupp no I thank you ma'am replied my aunt would you let me fetch another would you be persuaded to try a new laid egg or should I braille a rasher ain't there nothing I could do for your dear aunt Mr. Copperful nothing ma'am returned my aunt I shall do very well I thank you Mrs. Krupp who had been incessantly smiling to express sweet temper and incessantly holding her head on one side to express a general feebleness of constitution and incessantly rubbing her hands to express a desire to be of service to all deserving objects gradually smiled herself one sided herself and rubbed herself out of the room Dick said my aunt you know what I told you about time-servers and wealth-worshipers Mr. Dick was rather a scared look as if he had forgotten it returned a hasty answer in the affirmative Mrs. Krupp is one of them said my aunt Barkas I'll trouble you to look after the tea and let me have another cup for I don't fancy that woman's pouring out I knew my aunt sufficiently well to know that she had something of importance on her mind and that there was far more matter in this arrival than a stranger might have supposed I noticed how her eye lighted on me when she thought my attention otherwise occupied and what a curious process of hesitation appeared to be going on within her while she preserved her outward stiffness and composure I began to reflect whether I had done anything to offend her and my conscience whispered me I had not yet told her about Dora could it by any means be that I wondered as I knew she would only speak in her own good time I sat down near her and spoke to the birds and played with the cat and was as easy as I could be but I was very far from being really easy and I should still have been so even if Mr. Dick leaning over the great kite behind my aunt had not taken every secret opportunity of shaking his head darkly at me and pointing at her Trot, said my aunt at last when she had finished her tea and carefully smoothed down her dress and wiped her lips You needn't go, Barkas Trot, have you got to be firm and self-reliant? I hope so, aunt What do you think? inquired Miss Betsy I think so, aunt Then why, my love said my aunt looking earnestly at me, why do you think I prefer to sit upon this property tonight? I shook my head unable to guess Because, said my aunt it's all I have because I'm ruined, my dear if the house and every one of us had tumbled out into the river together I could hardly have received a greater shock Dick knows it, said my aunt laying her hand calmly on my shoulder I am ruined, my dear Trot all I have in the world is in this room except the cottage and that I have left Janet to let Barkas, I want to get a bed for this gentleman tonight to save expense perhaps you can make up something here for myself Anything will do, it's only for tonight We'll talk about this more tomorrow I was roused from my amazement and concerned for her I am sure for her by her falling on my neck for a moment and crying that she only grieved for me In another moment she suppressed this emotion and said with an aspect more triumphant than dejected we must meet reverses boldly and not suffer them to frighten us my dear, we must learn to act the play out we must live misfortune down Trot End of Chapter 34 Chapter 35 of David Copperfield This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org David Copperfield by Charles Dickens Chapter 35 Depression As soon as I could recover my presence of mind which quite deserted me in the first overpowering shock of my aunt's intelligence I proposed to Mr. Dick to come around to the Chandler's shop and take possession of the bed which Mr. Pegatey had lately vacated The Chandler's shop being in Hungerford Market being a very different place in those days there was a low wooden colonnade door, not very unlike that before the house where the little man and woman used to live in the old weather glass which pleased Mr. Dick mightily The glory of lodging over this structure would have compensated him, I daresay for many inconveniences but as there were really few to bear beyond the compound of flavors I have already mentioned and perhaps the want of a little more elbow room he was perfectly charmed with his accommodation his crop had indignantly assured him that there wasn't room to swing a cat there but as Mr. Dick justly observed to me sitting down on the foot of the bed nursing his leg you know Trotwood, I don't want to swing a cat I never do swing a cat therefore what does that signify to me? I tried to ascertain whether Mr. Dick had any understanding of the causes of this sudden and great change in my aunt's affairs as I might have expected he had none at all the only account he could give of it was that my aunt had said to him the day before yesterday now Dick are you really and truly the philosopher I take you for that then he had said yes he hoped so that then my aunt had said Dick I am ruined that then he had said oh indeed that then my aunt had praised him highly which he was glad of and that then they had come to me and had had bottled porter and sandwiches on the road Mr. Dick was so very complacent sitting on the foot of the bed nursing his leg and telling me this with his eyes wide open and a surprising smile that I am sorry to say I was provoked into explaining to him that ruin meant distress want and starvation but I was soon bitterly reproved for this harshness by seeing his face turn pale and tears course down his length and cheeks while he fixed upon me a look of such unutterable woe that it might have softened a far harder heart than mine I took infinitely greater pains to cheer him up again than I had taken to depress him and I soon understood as I ought to have known at first that he had been so confident merely because of his faith in the wisest and most wonderful of women and his unbounded reliance on my intellectual resources the latter I believe he considered a match for any kind of disaster not absolutely mortal what can we do Trotwood Mr. Dick there's the memorial to be sure there is that I but all we can do just now Mr. Dick is to keep a cheerful countenance and not let my aunt see that we are thinking about it he assented to this in the most earnest manner and implored me if I should see him wandering an inch out of the right course to recall him by some of those superior methods which were always at my command but I regret to state that the fright given him proved too much for his best attempts at concealment all the evening his eyes wandered to my aunt's face with an expression of the most jismal apprehension as if he saw her growing thin on the spot he was conscious of this and put a constraint upon his head but his keeping that immovable and sitting rolling his eyes like a piece of machinery did not mend the matter at all I saw him look at the low foot supper which happened to be a small one but nothing else stood between us and famine and when my aunt insisted on his making his customary repast I detected him in the act of pocketing fragments of his bread and cheese I have no doubt for the purpose of reviving us with those savings when we should have reached an advanced stage of attenuation my aunt on the other hand was in a composed frame of mind which was a lesson to all of us to me I am sure she was extremely gracious to Pegady except when I inadvertently called her by that name and strange as I knew she felt in London appeared quite at home she was to have my bed and I was to lie in the sitting room to keep guard over her she made a great point of being so near the river in case of a conflagration and I suppose really did find some satisfaction in that circumstance trot my dear said my aunt when she saw me making preparations for compounding her usual night draft nothing aunt not wine my dear ale but there is wine here aunt and you always have it made of wine keep that in case of sickness said my aunt we mustn't use it carelessly trot ale for me half a pint I thought Mr. Dick would have fallen insensible my aunt being resolute I went out and got the ale myself as it was growing late Mr. Dick took that opportunity of repairing to the Chandler shop together I parted from him poor fellow at the corner of the street with his great kite at his back a very monument of human misery my aunt was walking up and down the room when I returned crimping the borders of her nightcap with her fingers I warmed the ale and made the toast on the usual infallible principles when it was ready for her she was ready for it and turned back on her knees my dear said my aunt after taking a spoonful of it it's a great deal better than wine not half so bilious I suppose I looked doubtful before she added if nothing worse than ale happens to us we are well off I should think so myself aunt I am sure said I well then why don't you think so said my aunt because you and I are very different people I returned stuff and nonsense trot replied my aunt my aunt went on with a quiet enjoyment in which there was very little affectation if any drinking the warm ale with a teaspoon and soaking your strips of toast in it trot said she I don't care for strange faces in general but I rather like that bark of yours do you know it's better than a hundred pounds to hear you say so said I it's the most extraordinary world observed my aunt rubbing her nose how that woman ever got into it with that name is unaccountable to me it would be much more easy to be born a jackson or something of that sort one would think perhaps she thinks so too it's not her fault said I I suppose not returned my aunt rather grudging the admission but it's very aggravating however she's bark is now that's some comfort the bark is as uncommonly fond of you trot there is nothing she would leave undone to prove it said I nothing I believe returned to my aunt here the poor fool has been begging and praying about handing over some of her money because she's got too much of it a simpleton my aunt's tears of pleasure were positively trickling down into the warm ale she's the most ridiculous creature that ever was born said my aunt I knew from the first moment when I saw her with that poor dear blessed baby of a mother of yours that she was the most ridiculous of mortals there are good points and bark is affecting to laugh she got an opportunity of putting her hand to her eyes having availed herself of it she resumed her toast and her discourse together mercy upon us said my aunt I know all about it trot bark is in myself had quite a gossip I know all about it I don't know where these wretched girls expect to go for my part I wonder they don't knock out their brains against mantel pieces said my aunt an idea which was probably suggested to her by her contemplation of mine poor Emily said I oh don't talk to me about poor returned my aunt she should have thought of that before she caused so much misery give me a kiss trot I am sorry for your early experience as I bent forward she put her tumbler on my knee to detain me and said trot trot and so you fancy yourself in love do you fancy aunt I exclaimed as red as I could be I adore her with my whole soul Dora indeed returned my aunt and you mean to say the little thing is very fascinating I suppose my dear aunt I replied no one can form the least idea what she is ah and not silly said my aunt silly aunt I seriously believe it had never once entered my head for a single moment to consider whether she was or not I resented the idea of course but I was in a manner struck by it as a new one altogether not lightheaded said my aunt lightheaded aunt I could only repeat this daring speculation with the same kind of feeling with which I had repeated the preceding question well well said my aunt I only ask I don't depreciate her poor little couple and so you think you were formed for one another and are to go through a party supper table kind of life like two pretty pieces of confectionary do you trot she asked me this so kindly and with such a gentle air half playful and half sorrowful that I was quite touched we are young and inexperienced aunt I know I replied and I dare say we say and think a good deal that is rather foolish but we love one another truly I am sure if I thought Dora could ever love anybody else or cease to love me or that I could ever love anybody else or cease to love her I don't know what I should do go out of my mind I think I trot said my aunt shaking her head and smiling gravely blind blind blind someone that I know trot my aunt pursued after a pause though of a very pliant disposition has an earnestness of affection in him that reminds me of poor baby earnestness is what that somebody must look for to sustain him and improve him trot deep downright faithful earnestness if you only knew the earnestness of Dora aunt I cried oh trot she said again blind blind and without knowing why I felt a vague unhappy loss or want of something overshadow me like a cloud however said my aunt I don't want to put two young creatures out of conceit with themselves or to make them unhappy so though it is a girl and boy attachment and girl and boy attachments very often mind I don't say always come to nothing still will be serious about it and hope for a prosperous issue one of these days there's time enough for it to come to anything this was not upon the whole very comforting to a rapturous lover I was glad to have my aunt in my confidence and I was mindful of her being fatigued so I thanked her ardently for this mark of her affection and for all her other kindnesses towards me and after a tender good night she took her nightcap into my bedroom how miserable I was when I lay down how I thought and thought about my being poor and Mr. Spenlos eyes about my not being what I thought I was when I proposed to Dora about the chivalrous necessity of telling Dora what my worldly condition was and releasing her from her engagement if she thought fit about how I should contrive to live during the long term of my articles when I was earning nothing about doing something to assist my aunt and seeing no way of doing anything about coming down to have no money in my pocket and to wear a shabby coat and to be able to carry Dora no little presents and to ride no gallant grays and to show myself in no agreeable light as selfish as I knew it was and as I tortured myself by knowing that it was to let my mind run on my own distress so much I was so devoted to Dora that I could not help it I knew that it was base in me not to think more of my aunt and less of myself but so far selfishness was inseparable from Dora and I could not put Dora on one side for any mortal creature how exceedingly miserable I was that night as to sleep I had dreams of poverty and all sorts of shapes but I seemed to dream without the previous ceremony of going to sleep now I was ragged wanting to sell Dora matches six bundles for a half penny now I was at the office in a nightgown and boots remonstrated with by Mr. Spenlow on appearing before the clients in that airy attire now I was hungrily picking up the crumbs that fell from old Tiffy's daily biscuit regularly eaten when St. Paul struck one now I was hopelessly endeavoring to get a license to marry Dora having nothing but one of Uriah Heap's gloves to offer an exchange which the whole commons rejected and still more or less conscious of my own room I was always tossing about like a distressed ship in a sea of bedclothes my aunt was restless too for I frequently heard her walking to and fro two or three times in the course of the night a tired and a long flannel wrapper in which she looked feet high she appeared like a disturbed ghost in my room and came to the side of the sofa on which I lay on the first occasion I started up an alarm to learn that she inferred from a particular light in the sky that Westminster Abbey was on fire and to be consulted in reference to the probability of its igniting Buckingham Street in case the wind changed lying still after that I found that she sat down near me whispering to herself poor boy and then it made me twenty times more wretched to know how unselfishly mindful she was of me and how selfishly mindful I was of myself it was difficult to believe that a night so long to me could be short to anybody else this consideration set me thinking and thinking of an imaginary party where people were dancing the hours away until that became a dream too and I heard the music incessantly playing one tune and saw Dora me dancing one dance without taking the least notice of me the man who had been playing the harp all night was trying in vain to cover it with an ordinary sized nightcap when I awoke or I should rather say when I left off trying to go to sleep and saw the sun shining in through the window at last there was an old Roman bath in those days at the bottom of one of the streets out of the strand it may be there still in which I have had many a cold plunge dressing myself as quietly as I could and leaving Pegatee to look after my aunt I tumbled head foremost into it and then went for a walk to Hampstead I had a hope that this brisk treatment might freshen my wits a little and I think it did them good for I soon came to the conclusion that the first step I ought to take was to try if my articles could be cancelled and the premium recovered I got some breakfast on the heath and walked back to Doctor's Commons on the watered roads and through a pleasant smell of summer flowers growing in gardens and carried into town on Huckster's heads intent on this first effort to meet our altered circumstances I arrived at the office so soon after all that I had half an hour's loitering about the Commons before old Tiffy who was always first appeared with his key then I sat down in my shady corner looking up at the sunlight on the opposite chimney pots and thinking about Dora until Mr. Spenlo came in, crisp and curly how are you Copperfield said he fine morning beautiful morning sir said I could I say a word to you before you go into court by all means said he come into my room I followed him into his room and he began putting on his gown and touching himself up before a little glass he had hanging inside a closet door I'm sorry to say said I that I have some rather disheartening intelligence from my aunt no said he dear me not paralysis I hope it has no reference to her health sir I replied she has met with some large losses in fact she has very little left indeed you us down we Copperfield cried Mr. Spenlo I shook my head indeed sir said I her affairs are so changed that I wish to ask you whether it would be possible at a sacrifice on our part of some portion of the premium of course I put in this on the spur of the moment warned by the blank expression of his face to cancel my articles what it cost me to make this proposal nobody knows it was like asking as a favor to be sentenced to transportation from Dora to cancel your articles Copperfield cancel I explained with tolerable firmness that I really did not know where my means of substance were to come from unless I could earn them for myself I had no fear for the future I said and I laid great emphasis on that as if to imply that I should still be decidedly eligible for a sudden law one of these days but for the present I was thrown upon my own resources I am extremely sorry to hear this Copperfield said Mr. Spenlo I am extremely sorry it is not usual to cancel articles for any such reason it is not a professional course of proceeding it is not a convenient precedent at all far from it at the same time you are very good sir I murmured anticipating a concession not at all don't mention it said Mr. Spenlo at the same time I was going to say if it had been my lot to have my hands unfettered if I had not a partner Mr. Jorkins my hopes were dashed in a moment but I made another effort do you think sir said I if I were to mention it to Mr. Jorkins Mr. Spenlo shook his head discouragingly heaven forbid Copperfield he replied that I should do any man in injustice still less Mr. Jorkins but I know my partner Copperfield Mr. Jorkins is not a man to respond to a proposition of this peculiar nature Mr. Jorkins is very difficult to move you know what he is I am sure I knew nothing about him except that he had originally been alone in the business and now lived by himself in a house near Montague Square which was fearfully in want of painting that he came very late of the day and went away very early that he never appeared to be consulted about anything and that he had a dingy little black hole of his own upstairs where no business was ever done and where there was a yellow old cartridge unsoiled by ink and reported to be twenty years of age would you object to my mentioning it to him sir I asked by no means said Mr. Spenlo but I have some experience of Mr. Jorkins Copperfield I wish it were otherwise for I should be happy to meet your views in any respect I cannot have the objection to your mentioning to Mr. Jorkins Copperfield if you think it worthwhile availing myself of this permission which was given with a warm shake of the hand I sat thinking about Dora and looking at the sunlight stealing from the chimney pots down the wall of the opposite house until Mr. Jorkins came I then went up to Mr. Jorkins room and evidently astonished Mr. Jorkins very much by making my appearance there come in Mr. Copperfield said Mr. Jorkins come in I went in and sat down and stated my case to Mr. Jorkins pretty much as I had stated it to Mr. Spenlo Mr. Jorkins was not by any means the awful creature one might have expected but a large, mild, smooth-faced man of sixty who took so much snuff that there was a tradition in the commons that he lived principally on that stimulant having little room in his system for any other article of diet you have mentioned this to Mr. Spenlo I suppose said Mr. Jorkins when he had heard me very restlessly to an end I answered yes and told him I had introduced his name he said I should object asked Mr. Jorkins I was obliged to admit that Mr. Spenlo had considered it probable I am sorry to say Mr. Copperfield I can't advance your object said Mr. Jorkins nervously the fact is but I have an appointment at the bank if you'll have the goodness to excuse me with that he rose in a great hurry and was going out of the room when I made bold to say that I feared then there was no way of arranging the matter no said Mr. Jorkins stopping at the door to shake his head oh no I object you know which he said very rapidly and went out you must be aware Mr. Copperfield he added looking restlessly in at the door again if Mr. Spenlo objects personally he does not object sir said I oh personally repeated Mr. Jorkins in an impatient manner I assure you there is an objection Mr. Copperfield hopeless what you wish to be done can't be done I really have gotten appointment at the bank with that he fairly ran away and to the best of my knowledge it was three days before he showed himself in the commons again being very anxious to leave no stone unturned I waited until Mr. Spenlo came in and then described what had passed giving him to understand that I was not hopeless of his being able to soften the adamantine Jorkins if he would undertake the task Copperfield returned Mr. Spenlo with a gracious smile you have not known my partner Mr. Jorkins as long as I have nothing is farther from my thoughts than to attribute any degree of artifice to Mr. Jorkins but Mr. Jorkins has a way of stating his objections which often deceives people no Copperfield shaking his head Mr. Jorkins is not to be moved believe me I was completely bewildered between Mr. Spenlo and Mr. Jorkins as to which of them really was the objecting partner but I saw with sufficient clearness that there was obduracy somewhere in the firm and that the recovery of my aunt's thousand pounds was out of the question in a state of despondency which I remember with anything but satisfaction for I know it still had too much reference to myself though always in connection with Dora I left the office and went homeward I was trying to familiarize my mind with the worst but to myself the arrangements we should have to make for the future in their sternest aspect when a hackney chariot coming after me and stopping at my very feet occasioned me to look up a fair hand was stretched forth to me from the window and the face I had never seen without a feeling of serenity and happiness from the moment when it first turned back on the old oak staircase with the great broad balustrade and when I associated its softened beauty with the stained glass window the church was smiling on me Agnes I joyfully exclaimed oh my dear Agnes of all people in the world what a pleasure to see you is it indeed she said in her cordial voice I want to talk to you so much said I it's such a lightening of my heart only to look at you if I had had a conjurer's cap there was no one I should have wished for but you what returned Agnes well perhaps Dora first I admitted with a blush certainly Dora first I hope said Agnes laughing but you next said I where are you going she was going to my rooms to see my aunt the day being very fine she was glad to come out of the chariot which smelled I had my head in it all this time like a stable put under a cucumber frame I dismissed the coachman and she took my arm and we walked on together she was like hope embodied to me how different I felt in one short minute having Agnes at my side my aunt had written her one of the odd abrupt notes very little longer than a bank note to which her epistolary efforts were usually limited she had stated therein that she had fallen into adversity and was leaving Dover for good but had quite made up her mind to it and was so well that nobody need be uncomfortable about her Agnes had come to London to see my aunt between whom and herself there had been a mutual liking these many years indeed it dated from the time of my taking up my residence in Mr. Wickfield's house she was not alone she said her papa was with her and Uriah Heap and now they are partners said I confound him yes said Agnes they have some business here and I took advantage of their coming to come to I do not think my visit all friendly and disinterested Trotwood for I am afraid I may be cruelly prejudiced I do not like to let papa go away alone with him does he exercise the same influence over Mr. Wickfield's still Agnes Agnes shook her head there was such a change at home said she that you would scarcely know that your old house they live with us now they said I Mr. Heap and his mother in your old room said Agnes looking up into my face I wish I had the ordering of his dreams said I he wouldn't sleep there long I keep my own little room said Agnes where I used to learn my lessons how the time goes you remember the little paneled room that opens from the drawing room remember Agnes when I saw you for the first time coming out at the door with your quaint little basket of keys hanging at your side it is just the same said Agnes smiling I am glad you think of it so pleasantly we were very happy we were indeed said I I keep that room to myself still but I cannot always desert Mrs. Heap you know and so said Agnes quietly I feel obliged to bear her company when I might prefer to be alone but I have no other reason to complain of her if she tires me sometimes it is only natural and a mother he is a very good son to her I looked at Agnes when she said these words without detecting in her any consciousness of Uriah's design her mild but earnest eyes met mine with their own beautiful frankness and there was no change in her gentle face the chief evil of their presence in the house said Agnes is that I cannot be as near papa as I could wish Uriah Heap being so much between us and cannot watch over him if that is not too bold a thing to say as closely as I would but if any fraud or treachery is practicing against him I hope that simple love and truth will be strong in the end I hope that real love and truth are stronger in the end than any evil or misfortune in the world a certain bright smile which I never saw on any other face died away even while I thought how good it was and how familiar it had once been to me and asked me with a quick change of expression we were drawing very near my street if I knew how the reverse in my aunt's circumstances had been brought about on my replying no she had not told me yet Agnes became thoughtful and I fancied I felt her arm tremble in mine we found my aunt alone in a state of some excitement a difference of opinion had arisen between herself and Mrs. Krupp on an abstract question the lady of chambers being inhabited by the gentler sex and my aunt, utterly indifferent to spasms on the part of Mrs. Krupp had cut the dispute short by informing that lady that she smelt of my brandy and that she would trouble her to walk out both of these expressions Mrs. Krupp considered actionable and had expressed her intention of bringing before a British duty meaning it was supposed the bullock of our national liberties my aunt, however she had time to cool while pegged he was out showing Mr. Dick the soldiers at the horse guards and being besides greatly pleased to see Agnes rather poomed herself on the affair than otherwise and received us with unimpaired good humor when Agnes laid her bonnet on the table and sat down beside her I could not but think looking on her mild eyes and her radiant forehead how natural it seemed to have her there how trustfully although she was so young and inexperienced my aunt confided in her how strong she was indeed in simple love and truth we began to talk about my aunt's losses and I told them what I had tried to do that morning which was injudicious trot said my aunt but well meant you are a generous boy I suppose I must say young man now and I am proud of you my dear so far so good now trot and Agnes let us look the case of Betsy Trotwood in the face of Agnes I observed Agnes turned pale as she looked very attentively at my aunt my aunt patting her cat looked very attentively at Agnes Betsy Trotwood said my aunt who had always kept her money matters to herself I don't mean your sister trot my dear but myself had a certain property it don't matter how much enough to live on more for she had saved a little and added to it a property for some time and then by the advice of her man of business laid it out on landed security that did very well and returned very good interest till Betsy was paid off I am talking of Betsy as if she was a man of war well then Betsy had to look about her for a new investment she thought she was wiser now than her man of business who was not such a good man of business by this time as he used to be I am alluding to your father Agnes and she took it into her head to lay it out for herself so she took her pigs said my aunt to a foreign market and a very bad market it turned out to be first she lost in the mining way and then she lost in the diving way fishing up treasure some such Tom Tiddler nonsense explained to my aunt rubbing her nose and then she lost in the mining way again and last of all to set the thing entirely to rights she lost in the banking way I don't know what the bank shares were worse for a little while said my aunt percent was the lowest of it I believe but the bank was at the other end of the world and tumbled into space for what I know anyhow it fell to pieces and never will and never can pay six pence and Betsy's six pences were all there and there's an end of them least said soonest mended my aunt concluded this philosophical summary by fixing her eyes with a kind of triumph on Agnes whose color was gradually returning dear Miss Trotwood is that all the history said Agnes I hope it's enough child said my aunt if there had been more money to lose it wouldn't have been all I daresay Betsy would have contrived to throw that after the rest and make another chapter I have little doubt but there was no more money and there's no more story Agnes had listened at first with suspended breath her mother still came and went but she breathed more freely I thought I knew why I thought she had had some fear that her unhappy father might be in some way to blame for what had happened my aunt took her hand in hers and laughed is that all repeated my aunt why yes that's all except and she lived happily ever afterwards perhaps I may add that of Betsy yet one of these days now Agnes you have a wise head in some things though I can't compliment you always and here my aunt shook her own at me with an energy peculiar to herself what's to be done here's the cottage taking one time with another will produce say 70 pounds a year I think we may safely put it down at that well that's all we've got said my aunt was whom it was an idiosyncrasy as it is with some horses to stop very short when she appeared to be in a fair way of going on for a long while then said my aunt after a rest there's dick he's good for a hundred a year but of course that must be expended on himself I would sooner send him away though I know I am the only person who appreciates him than have him and not spend his money on himself how can Trot and I do best upon our means what do you say Agnes I say aunt I interpose that I must do something go for a soldier do you mean return to my aunt alarmed or go to sea I won't hear of it you are to be a proctor we're not going to have any knockings on the head in this family if you please sir I was about to explain that I was not desirous of introducing that mode of provision into the family when Agnes inquired if my rooms were held for any long term you come to the point my dear said my aunt they are not to be got rid of for six months at least unless they could be under let I don't believe the last man died here five people out of six would die of course of that woman in Nankine with a flannel petticoat I have a little ready money and I agree with you the best thing we can do is to live the term out here and get a bedroom hard by I thought at my duty to hint at the discomfort my aunt would sustain from living in a continual state of guerrilla warfare with Mrs. Krupp but she disposed of that objection summarily by declaring this demonstration of hostilities she was prepared to astonish Mrs. Krupp for the whole remainder of her natural life I have been thinking Trotwood said Agnes diffidently that if you had time I have a good deal of time Agnes I am always disengaged after four or five o'clock and I have time early in the morning in one way and another said I conscious of reddening a little as I thought of the hours and hours I had devoted to fagging about town and fro upon the Norwood Road I have abundance of time I know you would not mind said Agnes coming to me and speaking in a low voice so full of sweet and hopeful consideration that I hear it now the duties of a secretary mind my dear Agnes because continued Agnes Dr. Strong has acted on his intention of retiring and has come to live in London and he asked Papa I know he would recommend him one don't you think he would rather have his favorite old pupil near him than anybody else dear Agnes said I what should I do without you you are always my good angel I told you so I never think of you in any other light Agnes answered with her pleasant laugh that one good angel meaning Dora was enough and went on to remind me that the doctor had been used to occupy himself in his study early in the morning and in the evening and that probably my leisure would suit his requirements very well I was scarcely more delighted with the prospect of earning my own bread than with the hope of earning it under my old master in short acting on the advice of Agnes I sat down and wrote a letter to the doctor stating my object and appointing to call on him next day at ten in the four noon this I addressed to Highgate for in that place so memorable to me he lived and went and posted myself without losing a minute wherever Agnes was some agreeable token of her noiseless presence seemed inseparable from the place when I came back I found my aunt's birds hanging just as they had hung so long in the parlor window of the cottage and my easy chair imitating my aunt's much easier chair in its position at the open window and even the round green fan which my aunt had brought away with her screwed on to the window sill I knew who had done all this by it seeming to have quietly done itself and I should have known in a moment who had arranged my neglected books in the old order of my school days even if I had supposed Agnes to be miles away instead of seeing her busy with them and smiling at the disorder into which they had fallen my aunt was quite gracious on the subject of the Thames it really did look very well with the sun upon it though not like the sea before the cottage but she could not relent towards the London smoke which she said and peppered everything a complete revolution in which Pegatee bore a prominent part was being affected in every corner of my rooms in regard of this pepper and I was looking on thinking how little even Pegatee seemed to do with a good deal of bustle and how much Agnes did without any bustle at all when a knot came at the door I think said Agnes turning pale it's Papa he promised me that he would come I opened the door and admitted not only Mr. Wickfield but Uriah Heep I had not seen Mr. Wickfield for some time I was prepared for a great change in him after what I had heard from Agnes but his appearance shocked me it was not that he looked many years older though still dressed with the old scrupulous cleanliness or that there was an unwholesome ruddiness upon his face or that his eyes were full and bloodshot or that there was a nervous trembling of the cause of which I knew and had for some years seen at work it was not that he had lost his good looks or his old bearing of a gentleman for that he had not but the thing that struck me most was that with the evidences of his native superiority still upon him he should submit himself to that crawling impersonation of meanness Uriah Heep the reversal of the two natures and their relative positions Uriah's of power and Mr. Wickfield's dependence was a sight more painful to me than I can express if I had seen an ape taking command of a man I should hardly have thought of a more degrading spectacle He appeared to be only too conscious of it himself when he came in he stood still and with his head bowed as if he felt it this was only for a moment for Agnes softly said to him Papa here is Miss Trotwood and Trotwood whom you have not seen for a long while he approached and constrainedly gave my aunt his hand and shook hands more cordially with me in the moments pause I speak of I saw Uriah's countenance form itself into a most ill-favored smile Agnes saw it too I think for she shrank from him what my aunt saw or did not see I defy the science of physiognomy to have made out without her own consent I believe there never was anybody with such an imperturbable countenance her face might have been a dead wall on the occasion in question for any light it threw upon her thoughts until she broke silence with her usual abruptness well Wickfield said my aunt and he looked up at her for the first time I have been telling your daughter how well I have been disposing of my money for myself because I couldn't trust it to you as you were growing rusty in business matters we have been taking counsel together and getting on very well all things considered Agnes is worth the whole firm if I may only make the remark said Uriah Heap with a ride I fully agree with Miss Betsy Trotwood and should be only too happy if Miss Agnes was a partner you're a partner yourself you know returned my aunt and that's about enough for you I expect how do you find yourself sir an acknowledgement of this question addressed to him was extraordinary curtness Mr. Heap uncomfortably clutching the blue bag he carried replied that he was pretty well he thanked my aunt and hoped she was the same and you master I should say Mr. Copperfield pursued Uriah I hope I see you well I am rejoiced to see you Mr. Copperfield even under present circumstances I believed that for he seemed to relish them very much present circumstances is not what your friends would wish for you Mr. Copperfield but it isn't money makes demand I am really unequal with my humble powers to express what it is said Uriah I'm not a fawning jerk but it isn't money here he shook hands with me not in the common way but standing at a good distance from me and lifting my hand up and down like a pump handle that he was a little afraid of and how do you think we are looking Master Copperfield I should say Mr. Fonduraya don't you find Mr. Wickfield blooming sir yours don't tell much in our firm Master Copperfield except in raising up the umbil namely mother and self and in developing he added as an afterthought the beautiful namely Miss Agnes he jerked himself about after this compliment in such an intolerable manner that my aunt who had sat looking straight at him lost all patience do take the man said my aunt sternly what's he about don't be galvanic sir I ask you pardon Miss Trotwood returned Uriah I'm aware you're nervous go along with you sir said my aunt anything but appeased don't presume to say so I am nothing of the sort if you're an eel sir conduct yourself like one if you're a man control your limbs sir good God said my aunt with great indignation I am not going to be serpentine and corkscrewed out of my senses Mr. Heap was rather abashed as most people might have been by this explosion which derived great additional force from the indignant manner in which my aunt afterwards moved in her chair and shook her head as if she were making snaps or bounces at him but he said to me aside in a meek voice I am well aware master copperfield at Miss Trotwood though an excellent lady has a quick temper indeed I think I had the pleasure of knowing her when I was a number clerk before you did master copperfield and it's only natural I am sure that it should be made quicker by present circumstances the wonder is that it isn't much worse I only called to say that if there was anything we could do in present circumstances mother or self or wickfield and he we should be really glad I may go so far said Uriah with a sickly smile at his partner Uriah Heap said Mr. Wickfield in a monotonous forced way is active in the business Trotwood what he says I quite concur in you know I had an old interest in you apart from that what Uriah says I quite concur in what a rewarded is said Uriah drawing up one leg at the risk of bringing down upon himself another visitation from my aunt to be so trusted in but I hope I am able to do something to relieve him from the fatigues of business master copperfield Uriah Heap is a great relief to me said Mr. Wickfield in the same dull voice that's a load off my mind Trotwood to have such a partner the red fox made him say all this I knew to exhibit him to me in the light he had indicated on the night when he poisoned my rest I saw the same ill-favored smile upon his face again and saw how he watched me You are not going Papa said Agnes anxiously will you not walk back with Trotwood in me he would have looked to Uriah I believe before replying if that worthy had not anticipated him I am bespoke myself said Uriah on business otherwise I should have been happy to have kept with my friends but I leave my partner to represent the firm this Agnes ever yours I wish you good day master copperfield and leave my humble respects for Miss Betsy Trotwood with those words he retired kissing his great hand and leering at us like a mask we sat there talking about our pleasant old canterbury days an hour or two Mr. Wickfield left to Agnes soon became more like his former self though there was a subtle depression upon him which he never shook off for all that he brightened and had an evident pleasure in hearing us recall the little incidents of our old life many of which he remembered very well he said it was like those times to be alone with Agnes and me again and he wished to heaven they had never changed I am sure there was an influence in the placid face of Agnes and in the very touch of her hand upon his arm that did wonders for him my aunt who was busy nearly all this while with Pegatee in the inner room would not accompany us to the place where they were staying but insisted we went we dined together after dinner Agnes sat beside him as of old and poured out his wine he took what she gave him and no more like a child and we all three sat together at a window as the evening gathered in when it was almost dark he lay down on a sofa Agnes pillowing his head and bending over him a little while and when she came back to the window it was not so dark but I could see tears I pray heaven that I never may forget the dear girl in her love and truth at that time of my life for if I should I must be drawing near the end and then I would desire to remember her best she filled my heart with such good resolutions strengthened to my weakness so by her example so directed I know not how she was too modest and gentle to advise me in many words the wandering ardor and unsettled purpose within me that all the harm I have done and all the harm I have for born I solemnly believe I may refer to her and how she spoke to me of Dora sitting at the window in the dark listened to my praises of her praised again and round the little fairy figure shed some glimpses of her own pure light that made it yet more precious and more innocent to me oh Agnes sister of my boyhood if I had known then what I knew long afterwards there was a beggar in the street down and as I turned my head towards the window thinking of her calm seraphic eyes he made me start by muttering as if he were an echo of the morning blind blind blind end of chapter 35