 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of johnathasley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, why do men cheat? The five reasons why men cheat on women that they might love. All right, really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you'll be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I could be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian. So my advice goes contrary to both public opinion and a lot of the rhetoric you've heard out there. You decide if it makes sense for you. All right, let's talk about why men cheat, those five reasons why someone might cheat on a person that they love. Now, let's be real here for a moment. Cheating is a breaking of a promise. It's a breaking of a vow. It's a breaking of an agreement. Well, let me reframe that. Provided that you have an agreement that you're going to be monogamous and exclusive with one another because not necessarily everybody operates from that or have made those agreements to be monogamous and exclusive with one another. But when we think of cheating, we're thinking about those folks who have agreed to monogamy, they've agreed to exclusivity and they've broken that vow. And while we can judge the person for that, we can make them out to be wrong. We can make them out to be villains. We can say all kinds of negative things about them. The reality is is most human beings are flawed. Most human beings are flawed. I'm flawed, you're flawed, they're flawed, everybody is flawed. Now, I'm not making light of someone being flawed. I just wanna lean into what might be some of the causes so we can better prepare ourselves so this doesn't happen, I say we, but it doesn't happen to you in the future. And I'm gonna give you some tools and some research guides to help you avoid being cheated on in the future. Now, I wanna differentiate because the title says men who cheat on the women they love. Now, if we really think about it, oftentimes human beings are engaged in a relationship not necessarily based on love. In fact, in many cases, humans are in relationship with other human beings based on love attachment style, love attachment style. This basically means is we choose partners based on something that's familiar to us, like maybe one of our parents in our past life. That's actually called the Amago. And love attachment style is actually how we bonded with our parental upbringing and we can be one of three types of love attachment styles. We can be anxious, avoid it or secure. Now, why most people think that they're secure, the reality is is that even though in the book attached, it says 50% of people are secure, I don't actually believe that to be true. I believe the vast majority of people are either anxious or avoid it when it comes to their love attachment style or that's their default love attachment style. So coming back to the title about men cheating on the women they love, quite frankly, oftentimes men are in relationships just like women out of love attachment style or they might be experiencing the Amago, meaning that they've chosen someone similar to one of their parents and they're trying to heal a childhood wound or they feel a sense of responsibility in the relationship. So they're not necessarily out of love, they're out of obligation, okay? Because it's very rare that a man who genuinely loves his partner is going to cheat. And it's true for a woman as well. A woman who genuinely loves their partner is rarely going to cheat. So usually we associate a relationship with love and yet most people are in unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships. Let me repeat that, most people are in unhealthy or dysfunctional relationships and if you're not familiar with my chart called emotional maturity, I'm gonna show it here really quickly, emotional maturity and relationship skills. Roughly, and by the way, this is not a fact, this is my opinion, but I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. They're borderline, they're bipolar, they're narcissistic, they have clinical mental health issues. And then over here I say about 20% of the population is rather healthy. And when I say 20%, I'm being ridiculously generous. I don't even think it's close to 20%, but we're gonna use that for the chart. And I believe the vast majority of people are dysfunctional when it comes to their relationship skills. And this is one of the primary causes of why human beings are so chaotic, uncertain, erratic. What's the word? I'm dysfunctional in their relationship lives. And this is true for women as well as men. I'm sorry, I speak to women most of the time, but you're just as fucked up as guys are. And by the way, I'm gonna say this because I will own that I've got issues and I'm fucked up. So I'm not pointing the finger out at saying I'm not in the same category because we all have our shit. But what is the shit that causes someone to cheat on their partner? We're gonna talk about those five things right now. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses, we're gonna pull up my notes right there. Why do men cheat? The five reasons why men cheat on women they love. Okay, number one, this is probably the most obvious of them all. They are in a sexless marriage or a sexless relationship. One of the primary reasons why someone cheats is because they want to feel physical connection with another human being. And interesting enough, a significant percentage of married couples haven't had sex in years, if not decades. Let me repeat that for years, if not decades. And a sexless marriage is considered any relationship where you're not having sex at least once a month. And I know lots of couples who haven't had sex that much. Now, and if you're having sex once a month, I don't think that's a cause to cheat. But certainly if you've gone years without being intimate with your partner, your partner rejects you and you're rejecting your partner, it's not uncommon for someone to go seek physical connection from another human being. And while I'm not suggesting it's right, I'm just giving you the reasons why it happens because they are typically in a sexless relationship. And this happens a lot. Okay, number two, now they are a sex addict. They are a sex addict. And let me just say this, I am by no means an expert in this area of what causes someone to be a sex addict. Usually I do believe it was caused by a childhood wound or trauma. I've met several, I actually was in a brief sex or I went to a workshop where there was people from sex of love addiction. And what was interesting is every single person that had sexual addictions oftentimes had sexual trauma in their childhood. They had sexual trauma in their childhood that caused them, I believe was the cause that caused them to seek out sexual pleasure from an addictive perspective. And well, again, I am no expert in this area. This is just what I've heard anecdotally. Okay, number three, this happens for women as well as men, but they are retaliating, they're angry, or they're trying to get revenge on their partner. They're retaliating, they're angry, or they're trying to get revenge on their partner. In other words, something happened in the relationship that caused humongous friction and as a way to get back at their partner, they go out and have sex with someone else. And while I am by no means suggesting this is a valid reason, I've heard this from men and I've heard this from women alike that they've actually chosen to go have sex with someone else based on retaliation. In other words, anger or revenge to their partner. Kind of sad, remember coming back to our emotional maturity and relationship skills, look at 80% of human beings are dysfunctional or clinical. So I'm not suggesting that these are excuses by any means, I'm just giving some validity or some understanding of why this might happen. Okay, number four, and this is actually for the person who's unhappy in their relationship, they sabotage the relationship by sleeping with someone else because they want to get caught because they're too afraid to end the relationship. I'm gonna repeat that they wanna get caught, they sabotage it by sleeping with someone else because they're not confident enough in themselves to end a relationship and quite frankly, if someone's unhappy in a relationship, actually for any of these reasons, if they're unhappy in the relationship, they should be ending the relationship. And yet many men, believe it or not, once they're in relationship, they nest, N-E-S-T, they nest in the relationship and it makes it very difficult for them to end a relationship. So they actually find external reasons to cause a catastrophe, if you will, a sabotage and then they want themselves to get caught because they really wanna end the relationship. And number five, and this is probably a huge unseen reason. It's not unseen, it's actually probably even on the surface, is actual low self-esteem. In other words, human beings do need constant validation from others. Oftentimes find themselves in the situation that if they have an opportunity cheat, they will. Now in some cases, cheating isn't necessarily sexual intercourse with someone. There can actually be also emotional cheating and we are seeing a proliferation of this emotional cheating out in the social media world because people are feeding off of the attention and the validation that they get through social media networks like Instagram and Facebook and all the other social media platforms out there, and this is causing many people to not just physically cheat, but emotionally cheat. In fact, I know so many women who are engaging in what's known as emotional sex, emotional sex. And if you're not familiar with Dr. Sherry's book, chatting or cheating, chatting or cheating, the subtitle is how to detect infidelity, rebuild love in a fair, proofier relationship. And by the way, for the record, this is my ex-girlfriend who wrote the book. Isn't she, oops, there she is, isn't she cute? She's gorgeous by the way. And I just want you to know, I'm gonna brag for a moment right there in the bottom. This was acknowledgement to me, Jonathan Asley, because I held her hand while she was writing this book, in fact, we were both writing books at the same time, and I was holding her hand both literally and figuratively when she was writing this book. Now, why I'm bringing up this book today, let me hold it up here, is because the last half of the book is called How to a Fair, Proofier Relationship and what I love about the content in this book, what I love about the content in this book is that it really has set up a foundation to how to build an a fair proof relationship, how to actually have the tools to build an awesome relationship. In fact, folks, I know many of you are suckling on the nipple of many of the leaders of the relationship and all you have to do is sit back in your feminine energy and he will clang you. Listen, guys are terrible leaders out of a relationship. Do you know why I know this? Because the number one search term by you women is by you ladies is why do men ghost? Why do they disappear? Why are men commitment phobic? Why would you wanna give your relationship destiny to the weaker of the two potential partners? And what I mean by weaker in the area of relationship skills. Ladies, you purchase relationship books 10 fold greater than men. So I'm here to encourage you are the leaders of your destiny, not the guy. And this is why folks, if you follow my work, I continually say before the penis goes inside the vagina, you should be reading the book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman because this is the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship and then get Sherry's book to learn how to a fair proof your relationship and then read Barbara D'Angelo's book how to make love all the time. So you're constantly nurturing your relationship. In fact, Esther Perrell says one of the biggest challenges in relationships today is a lack of real erotic connection with one another. And folks, if you're not intimacy, not only is physical and sexual is also into me you see into my heart you see. And folks, ladies, I'm here to say the way to a man's heart is through a woman. I know many of you look up to me and think, gosh, how can I find a guy like Jonathan? Let me tell you, it is through my experiences with women opening up my heart was I able to be in a capacity to be vulnerable, authentic and transparent. Now it's also been a ton of personal development work and also cost me losing a child. And that's for those who know there's a picture of my son Connor. It's my son who passed away. He broke my heart open when he passed away and encouraged me to write my book for everyone called What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. By the way, there's a link below to all the books I recommend. It's taken a heroic amount of effort on my part to get to a place where I could be vulnerable, authentic and transparent. And that's not feminine energy. You know, I've heard people say, Jonathan, you're such a feminine guy. You know what? It takes true courage to lean into vulnerability, authenticity and transparency. And that isn't feminine or masculine. It's called being inner, it's finding your inner warrior or inner goddess inside of you. Your inner God or goddess inside of you. And I work every day on my shit because believe me, I got plenty of shit out there. And by the way, since someone asked why did the two of you end it, the one with Dr. Sherry? Because we weren't aligned for the longterm, but we had a great ride during our time together. So just to repeat, why do men shit? Listen, I'm not here to absolve anyone or their behavior. I'm just giving you reasons. What I invite you all to do is look beyond the surface of judging another because just as it says in the Bible, he without, they, those without sin can cast the first stone. I have yet to meet the person on this planet that is not lied once or twice, if not dozens of times, who is absolutely perfect. And I'm here to say, when we can have more compassion towards human beings and humanity, we actually find a sense of inner peace within ourselves. And that's my invitation for all of you is to find that inner peace within yourself. So even if they cheated, I want you to move forward boldly and read the books I recommend so you can a fair proof your relationship so you don't ever have to worry about it. And I invite you to co-create an amazing relationship with someone by being the leader of your relationship destiny. Are you with me? Can I get an amen? Woo-hoo! All right. Well, this impromptu live stream is because I was not feeling well and I missed my last two, so I decided I'm gonna do something in the middle of the day. And it means it's time for Q and A. So if you have a question, write the word question and then post the question there after, I got a itchy nose, or you can purchase a super sticker super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the funds from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor. Again, that's him right there. That's my son who passed away. And the monies in that scholarship go to defray the cost of personal development for those who are seeking it. So again, purchase a super sticker super chat as a way to say thank you to me as a way to say honoring my son Connor and you can post the question there. All right, we're gonna start taking questions now. So, Sadie just, and I've got an itchy nose. No, I'm not doing coke. All right, Sadie writes, question. Jonathan, what does it mean when you're chatting with, when you are chatting to a guy online and he seems keen, then he stops messaging, but months later wants to restart the dialogue. What does it mean? Okay, great question, Sadie. So here's the thing. I'm just gonna use me as a personal example. I've had plenty of, plenty of connections with people I've met through this little device. You know, might be Bumble, might be Tinder, might be Facebook, might be Instagram, connected with people. And yet, shit is going on in my life. I mean, every day something happens that causes me to disconnect from something I might be doing. Now, we oftentimes prioritize the most important things in our life, our professional life, our children, maybe our health, maybe our friends, maybe our parents. And so all of those important things in our life, when you're chatting with somebody and they're basically a stranger, life is going to take over. And if there's any chaos going on in someone's life, a contentious divorce, maybe issues at work, maybe health issues, it can cause a person to disconnect from someone, okay? And this is a very common thing because the problem is folks, it takes roughly about 100 hours of face-to-face time, face-to-face time to build the first layer of trust. And so when you're communicating with someone online, you basically have built zero or almost zero trust with that person until you actually meet face-to-face. And then you got to meet face-to-face again, and again, and again, and again. And you start building the roots to trust. You start building the roots to trust. So then you're asking yourself, okay, well, this person was keen on me. It just means they fancy you. They might have a little crush on you. I have little crushes on lots of people I've connected with online. All that really means is when I say crush, it just means I'm physically attracted to them. Because until you actually spend time with someone, you don't know if you're really compatible with one another. So I'm here to say that it takes time to build that trust and the reason why that person came back, the reason why that person came back was because they did fancy you a little bit. And maybe they were going through a little bit of chaos and that chaos subsided and then they put you back in their consciousness or you came back in their consciousness. Here's the thing, ladies, I want to encourage you to be bold. I want you to be radical. If you fancy a guy and he fancies you, then tell him you fancy him. Tell him you're keen on him. Because here's the thing, men need to hear this too. Men are thirsty to be wanted. And it's such this traditional, stupid, rules-based way of dating is causing so much frustration that's no wonder people think that the dating process is so fucked up. Ladies, if you like a guy, tell him you like him. If it scares him away, good. He's a pussy, kick him to the curb. Okay, that was cruel, I'm just kidding. But if a person gets scared because you told him you like them, probably not a fit anyway. But to a guy like me, I'm a Leo. You tell a Leo you like them, we just keep going. We start moving forward and forward and forward. You need to, for guys like us, Leo's are at least this Leo anyway. The more you tell us you like us and if we're attracted to you, the more we keep coming after you, the more we invest in you. So that's my invitation, Sadie, is just to recognize that, hey, he's probably got some chaos going on in his life. He's got some issues going on in his life and he might like you, but until you actually gain that 100 hours of face-to-face time, it doesn't really mean much of anything. As a friend of mine says, it isn't real until it's real. And so I hope that answers your question, Sadie. Thank you so much for that one. I really appreciate it. So, wow, we got lots of questions in the Q&A board right now. There's your question again. Thank you so much. All right, let's see, let's go swim in. All right, question from Jackie. Will a man choose to marry a woman he didn't love because she has money and a career path, social status that he admires, but deeply loves someone else whose life path isn't aligned with them? You know, human being, okay, so can a man do that? Absolutely. By the way, women do this habitually. I mean, it's probably more common that women marry for money that they don't like, but certainly these days, now that women represent over 50% of the workforce and they actually, there's a significant percentage of women making over $1,000 to $300,000 a year, I wouldn't doubt that there are plenty of men who would choose a woman based on money and status and that they might love someone else. In fact, don't we all on some level have a torch for someone in our past that's not uncommon? The reality is is most human beings are riddly flawed. Just coming back to my emotional relationship skills chart is most human beings are flawed. So their behavior is going to look rather erratic. You know, there's no right or wrong here. I'm just saying that women choose men for money and men choose women for money as well. It's just more common women do it more so than men. So to answer your question, yes, men do that. All right, Jackie, thank you so much for your question. I really appreciate it. All right, Brisa says, I'm in a committed marriage that is loving. Well, it doesn't seem like a question but thank you for sharing it. All right, Sassy says, how do I work on fighting my urge to become jealous or dwell on the past? I want to rebuild trust. It's so hard to do when you both have broken trust. Okay, coming back to the book by Dr. Sherry. Highly recommend reading this book. Where's the chapters on trust? This is a great book just for your own edification to really lean into how to heal oneself, how to heal oneself. And I would highly recommend, highly recommend reading the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. Oftentimes trust issues stem from childhood wounds and traumas and this is a great book to heal your childhood wounds and traumas that cause the negative patterns and limiting beliefs in your life. So I highly recommend this book as well as the book chatting or cheating because it can give you some great insight into healing oneself. All right, hey, by the way, I had a question come in that I wanna share with the group. So I'm gonna add this in here. So bear with me. It says, bump, bump, bump, Jonathan. How can I protect myself from getting hurt by another guy? How can I protect myself from getting hurt by another guy? First off, I wanna thank the person who wrote that into me because this is an important topic that I wanna lean into today. Because here's what, listen, most everybody who's experienced at least a couple, three or four decades of life or more has had one, if not several relationship experiences that didn't go well, okay? That's pretty much standard norm. In fact, it could be more than one or two. It could be multiple people. And what happens for so many people, they actually feel a level of hurt and that hurt can turn into bitterness and jadedness. Let me repeat that hurt can turn into bitterness or jadedness. And I want you to imagine this. You desperately want a life partner. Let's not even say desperately. You desire a life partner. You would like to have someone in your life to go to the balance of your life in partnership with them, okay? But I want you to imagine that you're going out on a first date with a guy. And you're sitting across from one another chatting and he literally can see every person, I'm gonna do this, he can literally see every person who's ever sitting behind you or has hurt you sitting right behind you because what's happened is, if you're trying to protect your heart, if you're trying to protect your heart, you're blocking yourself from actually opening your heart to another human being. Let me repeat that. If you're trying to protect yourself, you're blocking your heart to open to another human being. And what happens is all they see right behind you is all the hurt you've ever experienced. And let me just tell you something, ladies. I'm not making this up when I say, I've sat across from women at dinner, at drinks, and I can literally energetically feel everyone that's hurt them. It's in their language, it's in their communication. It's in their fear, it's in their judgment. And that is no way to approach a relationship with a wall trying to protect yourself. In fact, it's quite the opposite because the most important thing if you genuinely want to experience a healthy, happy relationship, it requires happening an open heart, an open heart so you can actually receive the love of someone else. And yet many of you are suckling on the nipple of, the man must climb to the highest room to the tallest tower. Ladies, it is not our job to break down your walls. It is not our job to tear down your defenses. It's not our job. Our job is to show up with honesty, integrity, and trust. I mean, to show up with a level of integrity. That's our job. And your job is to do the same and each person's job is to have an open heart. Now here's the real challenge. If you've been hurt in the past, the most important thing to do going forward is to heal, to heal those past hurts, to look at those past relationships and ask yourself, what positive things did I learn about myself in each one of these relationships? What positive things did I learn about myself in each one of these relationships? Number one, number two, what was good about each relationship? What was good? When you can lean into the good, then you're not hyper-focused on what was wrong. And lastly, what are you most grateful for from each relationship? What are you most grateful for? And I'm talking about those relationships you feel hurt. Now, I understand many of you are so deeply entrenched in your hurt, you're actually operating from a place of victim consciousness, a victim consciousness. And I'm here to say, if you're operating from a place of victim consciousness, you will only attract more and more bad experiences because God, universe or spirit wants you to love on yourself. God, universe, spirit wants you to love on yourself because it is through self-love, it is through healing, it is through forgiveness, both of yourself and everyone else that you can actually begin to invite a great relationship in your life. And there is nothing easy about leaning into forgiveness. And if you're not familiar with the Hawaiian forgiveness prayer, I'm gonna share this with you. It's called the hapono, ponopono, ponopono. And it goes like this, I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you. Like giving yourself a shot of B12, it's actually L12. What love does is give our self-love. It starts forgiveness means forgiving love, giving yourself love. And when you can operate from an open heart, you actually have a greater opportunity to invite love into your heart because if you're hyper focused on trying to protect yourself, folks, I'm sorry to say this, you'll be single for a very, very, very, very, very, very, very long time. And I don't want you to do that. I want you to invite a great relationship in your life. And so if you need some love and support on this, then check out a link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you because I'm here to say, when you learn how to ask better questions right from the get-go, and that's my area of expertise, how to pre-qualify your prospect, you're going to have a greater chance of attracting a more quality guy in your life instead of focusing on trying to protect your heart. Are you with me on this? Will you do this for me? Please let me know. Give me a thumbs up or hit amen because protecting your heart is just going to block you from attracting a great guy in your life. Okay, I want to thank that person for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, let's see. We're going to take one or two more questions right now. Anna says, question, when will the Hoffman process be available? Tried to purchase, but Amazon doesn't have it. I would Google Hoffman process and contact them directly. They are in Southern, they're in Northern California, they're in Connecticut, they're all over the world. Type in Hoffman process and you can find them directly. So that's a great question. Pamela says, why do some men enjoy being chased? Or Palms, excuse me, Palma. For the same reason why women enjoy being chased? Why, it feels good when someone is interested in us. By the way, I'm not a big proponent of chasing, I'm a big proponent of investing. So why do men enjoy a woman invest in them? For the same reason a woman enjoys when a man invests in them. So when you can answer that, Pamela, I think you'll have the answer to your question. Talia says, question, I went on dates with a guy who was in a distance relationship. He said they broke up. Now they are back together. Why did he initiate flirt and date with me? That's because a vast majority of human beings are known as co-dependent, co-dependent. Here in the United States, we are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me and to feel good about myself. So when something ends, they immediately have to go somewhere else to get that supply of love from someone else because a significant percentage of people do not actually know how to love themselves. And so we here in the United States are suckling on the nipple of needing validation from other people. I'm not saying it's right. I'm just telling you why it happens. And this is one of the primary reasons why people go outside of their relationships because they have a distressing lack of self-love. A distressing lack of self-love. In fact, let me just say this. Dating triggers the number one emotional health issue facing most everyone. That's right, dating triggers the number one emotional health issue facing most everyone. Dating in relationships, I should say. That is the emotional health issue is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. Repeat that, the vast majority of human beings are suffering on the inside. I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading all the books I recommend over and over. I recommend this book frequently how to be an adult in relationship because folks ultimately it's not about finding a life partner. It's about finding the life partner within yourself. As Esther Perrell says, the quality of your life depends on the quality of your relationships and it starts with the relationship with self. And I'm here to say just like when the flight attendant says if you're traveling with small in the case of cabin pressure change if you're traveling small children oxygen mass will drop and put it on yourself first. Folks what love does is give our self love first the oxygen of love our self first because it's not about whether or not you're mated with someone else. What happens what's more important is are you mated to your heart? Because when you're mated to your heart you don't have to protect yourself from anyone else. You're so open to every single experience. And again when you can actually learn what positive things you've learned about yourself and what was good and what you're most grateful for in every relationship you will start to see that you'll have an amazing life in your life. And that's my invitation for all of you. All right did I have value to today? If I did please hit that like button, hit that purchase a super sticker super chat to say thank you to me. I'd really appreciate it because we're gonna wrap up in a few minutes. So I wanna thank everyone who was on today and if you're listening to the recording you won't be able to see the chat box but I wanna thank everyone and we're gonna wrap up today's live stream about the five reasons why guys cheat. And let me just say that repeat this. Most men are good people. They just have issues. Just like most women are good people. They have issues. You can't be human and not be flawed. All right we're gonna wrap up this live stream as I always do. First off give myself a big gigantic Jotha Merrick of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Jackie and Holly and Teresa and Faith and Kate and Kelly for being on today. Thank you so much. Wishing you a fab day. Thanks, bye bye now. Please share this video. Thanks, bye now.