 Bobby, the new thin girl home permanence for a casual wave, presents transcribe my friend Irma, treated by Fly Howard with Mary Shift as Kay, and starring Marie Wilson as Irma. Not far from the town of Marblehead. But now my home's in New York and I live with Irma Peterson. So here's the question. Why did I have to leave one Marblehead to come to another? You think I'm exaggerating? Listen to this. Irma, I'll just... That's simple. That's the man who comes to read the gas meter. Smooth hair, silky hair. This can be your hair if you use white rain shampoo. White rain is a gentle lotion shampoo, as gentle as softest rain water. White rain leaves your hair softer, smoother, silky or too, sparkling with natural highlights, brighter sunshine. Remember this promise. Use new white rain shampoo tonight, and tomorrow your hair will be sunshine bright. White rain. White rain. Miss Peterson, why are you late? Well, there was a big fire downtown and the taxi cab I was in couldn't get through. Taxi cab? You always take the bus to work. I know, but the bus wasn't going anywhere near the fire, so I had to take a taxi. Very interesting. Now would you please sit down and take some dictation? Oh, all right. Wait just a minute. Okay, I'm ready. This is to my gardener. These are instructions about cutting back my roses. Be especially careful about pruning the Cecil Bruner so we will not win a prize at the show. Have you got that? Yes, sir. I'll read it back to him. Oh, if you want to. Um, tell Rose to be especially careful about winning a prize, even if she has to put prunes in Cecil's bloomers. No, no, that's not quite right, Miss Peterson, but never mind. I'll do it myself. Yourself? Aren't you going to bar me out? No. The way I feel, I don't really care. I don't care about anything anymore. Why don't you take the rest of the day off? Oh, Mr. Clyde, you're crying. There are tears in your eyes. What's wrong? Oh, please, Miss Peterson, there's nothing you can do. It's strictly a personal affair. Well, you can tell me. I'm a person. My wife wants to divorce me. Divorce? Yes, and I can't understand it. I've tried so hard to measure up to our expectations. Let's no use. She thinks I have no depth. Why, that's ridiculous. If you put on another pound, you'd only look sloppier. Please, Miss Peterson, why don't you go home? No, Mr. Clyde, I'm not going to leave you alone, because I know how badly you feel, and I feel the same way. I think divorces are terribly sad. We would have been married 25 years next January. Congratulations. Thank you. Miss Peterson, if there was only something I could do to bring her back to her senses, I haven't done anything to deserve this. Of course you haven't. You're a nice man, Mr. Clyde. Thank you, Miss Peterson. It's comforting to hear you say so. Now, I've never forgotten a birthday or an anniversary. In May, I bought her a Picasso, but does she appreciate it? No. Well, maybe once she takes lessons and learns how to play it, she'll like it better. Picasso is a painting, Miss Peterson. I cater to her every whim. Only last week, I ran my legs off to get her a handsome Chippendale secretary. Well, don't you know the first rule of marriage is never leave another man on the house after you go to work? You'll be a favor, Miss Peterson. Go home. Oh, no. You need help, Mr. Clyde. I'm sure your marriage can still be saved. I don't see how. Well, I'll think of something. And I guarantee you that you and Mrs. Clyde will be back together again before you know it. Oh, if I could believe that, I'd never forget you. No, Mr. Clyde, I don't want anything. The only reward I want is that when you and Mrs. Clyde are together again next Christmas and are looking for things to hang on the tree, just think of me. Irma, what are you doing home so early? Don't tell us you lost your job again. Oh, no, worse than that. Mr. Clyde's wife is going to divorce him. When did this happen? Are you sure, Irma? Mr. Clyde told me so himself. Oh, the poor, lonely man. He's going to be saved again. But what did you say his telephone number was? This is all right. I don't start jumping for the boat before it reaches the pier. You can at least wait until the other passengers get off. Oh, now stop it, the two of you. How can you joke about a thing like this? Well, Irma, these things will happen. But you don't know what they're doing, Kay. They need each other. Man is meant for a woman. And they must go hand in hand down the highway, ever alert for the pitfalls and curves that lie ahead on the road of life. Who puts out this song, the automobile club? Irma, I don't like the look in your eye. Just what are you planning? Well, I'm going to get Mr. Clyde back together again. You? Yes. What makes you think you're in a position to tell two grown-up people what to do with their lives? Kay, do you know what the marriage ceremony says? Well, so far I haven't had the pleasure of hearing it, but I'm trying like man. It says, these two who have been joined in holy matrimony, let no man put a sonder. No. These two have been joined together in holy matrimony. Let no man put a sonder. Yeah, I understand you. What does a sonder mean? A sonder? Yeah. Is that noise you hear after lighting? Oh. The Clyde has run into a storm and it's up to me to clear the weather. Well, continue, my little smudge bot. Oh, Kay, you don't believe in anything. You're just a natural-born septic. Well, thank you. It's only me, Professor Kropotkin. Hello, Kay Irma and Mrs. O'Reilly, my three little natural beauties. You, Kay, as fresh as a cool mountain spring. Well, how sweet. And you, Irma, with the curves of a winding brook. Thank you. And you, Mrs. O'Reilly. Old mudbank. That's human pipe cleaner. Oh, my God, that's it. After I gave him an electric heater with a fan in it. Who asked you to? The fan blew a hole in the wall. The snow came in. The heater melted. The snow and I almost drowned. We love enough as it is. What's the better with her, Kay? Well, the Clyde's are getting a divorce. Divorce is a terrible thing. I don't believe in it. Well, I'm glad to hear that. Only because it lets a woman freeze so she can hook another victim. Now that's a jaded, selfish way to look at marriage. How else could a person look at it? Oh, like my late husband Clancy used to. To him, our whole romance was a glorious adventure. He was the hunter, and I was the beautiful bird of paradise. Looking from tree to tree until he finally trapped me. Well, I don't know what you looked like while he was hunting you, but by the looks of you now, he must have spent the rest of his life stuffing you. That's your wife's crack. Can't you see poor Irma's upset and worried? There must be some way to stop this divorce, and I'm going to do it. You can count me out, honey. You can play Cupid, but I want to be out of the way when you let loose with those arrows. But, oh, glory be look at that wind. I bet it gets me pretty cut off the line before it blows away. And I better go with you. If the wind ever gets that thing up in the sky, we won't see the sun for three days. Well, I don't know how successful Irma will be in changing Mr. Clyde's mind on this divorce business, but I have a young lady here whose mind is definitely made up when it comes to permanence, because she has a Bobby pin girl permanent. And what is your name? My name is Molly Gribkoff, and I live in Alhambra, California. Would you like to tell us about your Bobby? I've had several Bobby home permanence, and I like them very much. They are soft and casual, and so easy to do. That's the part I like. Well, of course, we say that if you can make a simple pin girl, you can give yourself a Bobby. It's fast, and you don't have to worry about the results. You're going to look good as soon as you brush your hair out. Yes, with a Bobby, you have soft, casual waves from the very first day. No kinkiness or fuzziness, because Bobby was created especially for today's popular casual hairstyle. Everyone who saw it, my family at the beginning and others as I went out, have had very favorable comment on the Bobby. They like it. So your mind is definitely made up in favor of Bobby? Many times as I need a permanent, it's going to be a Bobby permanent. Well, thank you very much, Ms. Grepkoff. And remember, if you want your hair to have Bobby, to be manageable, and if you want to have soft, casual waves, so important for today's casual hairstyles, make your next permanent a Bobby. Bobby pin curl permanent. For an easy-living casual permanent way, give yourself a Bobby, a pin curl way, and you'll go Bob, Bob, Bob and along with your Bobby, your Bobby, your Bobby. You haven't killed yourself. I sure did, and I've been moving with the speed of a pickpocket who's just lifted a cop's wallet. Oh, so how are you doing, Joe? Simple, beautiful. I got my friend, Mushi, trailing Mrs. Clyde. Oh, Joe, do you think that's nice? Surely hope, doll face, and she is suing Mr. Clyde. It's up to us to get something on her, which will make her afraid to open her mouth, you see? Now, you've been around, Ms. Clyde. Do you think she's promiscuous? Oh, no, she dresses very conservatively. Doll face, promiscuous means, as the French say, chercher la femme, bewitched, bothered, and bewildered. Oh, I always get a confused with c'est la guerre, which means keep off the grass. Open the end. Hello, woman. Oh, there you are, Joe. Well, Mushi, how did you make out? Let's have your report. Can I give it to you like them private eyes do on the radio? Don't waste any time. Let's have it. Oh, it was like this, chief. It was a cold. As I sat in my office, I got a call to tell this day, Mrs. Clyde. I went immediately to her home and entered through the window. There was a shot. A shot? Yes, so I drank it. Then I sat down with the early time. Can you say that? No, the bottle, and I had another drink. Suddenly, I heard footsteps. Yeah? I quickly identified they was mine and decided not to follow them. Mushi, will you stop with the dribble and get to the point? Okay, chief. I looked around the room and suddenly saw a cigar. With lipstick on it. A cigar? Yeah. And I figured I had Mrs. Clyde dead to rights. All of a sudden, a hairy arm reached out through it. Yeah? It was the maid. She smoked cigars. Can I realize I was wasting my time? There's only one thing to do. I'm going over and see Mrs. Clyde myself. No, no, no, wait a minute, Alfase. Don't go getting yourself involved. But it's my duty. It's my duty, Joe. Unhappy people are like sick people. They need the care of a specialist. Goodbye, Joe. Beautiful. Where are you going? I'm wanted in surgery. I'm ready to call on Mrs. Clyde. She's putting on her best outfit. The red hat, a white dress, and a blue coat. Very effective. Besides, when she walked down the street, all the servicemen salute her. You know what she's taking with her? A statue of Cupid with a clock in its stomach. This is to show Mrs. Clyde there's still time for love. Of course, the clock doesn't work, but it's got its cuckoo along. I'm going to talk to that girl. Irma. Yes, Kate? You know, as long as you're determined to go to Mrs. Clyde, you might as well listen to a few facts so you don't make a fool of yourself. It's too late. I've already made up my mind. Now, Irma, listen to me. I imagine that Mrs. Clyde is just as upset about this thing as Mr. Clyde is, so you'll have to be discreet, huh? Well, your approach must be subtle and tactful, so I want you to remember my words carefully. Oh, all right, Kate. I'll try to remember everything you tell him. Good. Now, just remember this. Mrs. Clyde's husband knows she's a straight-laced woman who makes a point of bringing things to her head and getting them off her chest. Well, I'll remember that. And secondly, Mrs. Clyde is an old-fashioned model wife, but being a wife is the only trade she knows. So you must convince her that if she loses him, she loses everything. Oh, I won't forget it. Well, I'm off to the peace conference. Good luck, Mrs. Dallas. And I do mean, doll. I hope I can bring them together. Oh, Irma Peterson, come in. Thank you. This is rather an unexpected visit. Won't you sit down? Oh, thank you. My, here, a place looks lovely. Oh, I see you have wallpaper in the entrance hall. That's right. I think wallpaper makes a room look so smart. I've papered my bedroom and I did it all by myself. Yes, I saw it. And I knew you hung the paper yourself. How did you know? Well, a bumblebee generally sits on the rose. The rose doesn't sit on the bumblebee. Well, we all make mistakes. Gee, your living room is beautiful. And I see you have new pictures. Uh, is that general Grant? That's my mother in a blue hat. Oh, that vase of flowers in front made it look like a beard. Oh, gee, I'd better close this door. I didn't see that gentleman sitting in the corner without a shirt on. Any relation? That's a Chinese Buddha. Well, I'm so glad that you're telling me to what I owe the honor of this visit. Oh, certainly, Mrs. Clyde. I'm going to have to be a little personal with you. Well, go on out with it. Well, now let me see. What was it I was to remember? Mrs. Clyde is a lace-headed woman who would like to put a point in her husband's chest. No, no, no, that wasn't it. Oh, I remember. Oh, Mrs. Clyde, you're a straight-chested woman with a pointed head who likes to lace her husband. I beg your pardon? No, no, that's not it. Why can't I remember things? Well, this next thing is very important. Now, was it, um... When Mr. Clyde takes a model to his house for old fashioned, that is trade, and his wife should get lost. No, no, no, it doesn't go like that. Oh, Mrs. Clyde? Yes? I don't... And if Mr. Clyde trades you in, he won't lose a thing. I didn't mean it like that. I was just using somebody else's word. But I'd like to tell you what I feel in my heart. Thank you, Mrs. Peterson. But I must say you're intruding on something that's very personal and of no concern to you. But I... I don't see why we can't speak as woman to woman. After all, I... I have a man here. His name is Joanne. He's a gentleman from head to tail. But I told... I've met the man. You needn't have corrected yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me, Mrs. Peterson, I have some things that I'm scared about. Oh, but, but, Mrs. Clyde, you must listen to me. Mr. Clyde loves you. How would you know? Well, a secretary often knows more than the wife. Oh? Oh, indeed. Well, you see, Mr. Clyde talks in his sleep. I mean, you know, when he takes his nap in the office. Well, don't tell me you eavesdropped. Oh, no, that would be vulgar. I just turn on the dictaphone and go out. Mrs. Peterson, if you don't mind... No, no, you must hear me because I know what's wrong with your marriage. Something is missing. You have no children, nothing to link you and Mr. Clyde together. So? So I want you to think of me as your daughter, the missing link. Much if it, but I'll try. Now, if you'll please go, I'd be very much obliged. All right, I'll go, but I'm... I'm very sad because I know what's going to happen. What's going to happen? Well, you and Mr. Clyde will separate, and then some man will come and steal you away. What about it? Well, then it will be too late for Mr. Clyde to do anything because there's no point in closing the barn door after the horse has been stolen. And now a word from Tony Gilden. May I tell you about a new cream deodorant that actually vanishes when you rub it on your skin? You rub it in, you rub odor out. You rub it in, you rub perspiration out. It's the new arid with non-staining chlorophyll. Just try this amazing test. Take an onion, slice it open, and rub it on the back of your hand. Now take arid with chlorophyll and rub into the same spot. When the light green color vanishes, all odor is gone. And that's exactly what happens to perspiration odor and perspiration, too, when you use arid with chlorophyll daily. No other deodorant can give you arid's exclusive rubbed-in protection. Arid has a vanishing cream texture, which gives you one and a half times the protection of any leading deodorant. Safe for normal skin and fabrics, non-staining, washable. Don't be half-safe. Be completely safe. Rub in arid with chlorophyll to be sure. Only 43 cents per pack. Milton J. Clyde, attorney-at-law. Hello? Yes, Martha? No. No, your attorney hasn't spoken to me yet. Martha, don't you think you're being a little rash about this whole thing? What? No, I promise you, I did not put her up. Oh, here she is now. I'll talk to you later. Oh, uh, who was that on the phone, Mr. Clyde? A pointy-headed woman that you said I was trading in for a new model. Sorry about that. I got all mixed up. Has she changed her mind? Changed her mind? Her attorney's on her way over here to discuss a separate maintenance. You mean like alimony? Yes, it's something like alimony. Oh gee, that's too bad. Mrs. O'Lily always says that alimony is like laying a wreath on the grave of a departing soul. Not Mrs. Clyde, I know her. She won't be satisfied with a wreath. She'll want the whole flower shop. Look, when her attorney gets here, will you help me out? How? Mrs. Clyde is claiming I'm a spendthrift, so I want you to tell her attorney that I'm extremely conservative. Yes, I know. Cheap. You just tell him that I shined my own shoes, bring my lunch to the office, and never spend the nickel on entertainment. Do you understand? Oh, you couldn't find a more dependable person. Yes, I know. Imagine that wife of mine claiming I'm extravagant, well, I've just arranged a $25,000 trust fund for her she doesn't even know about. Oh, well, what's the difference? Take this box of cigars down the hall to Sam Brooks. His wife just had a baby girl. Do you think she should smoke so soon? Well, I can only remember where she put that dictation. Are you Mr. Milton Jay Clyde? Yes, yes. What can I do for you? My name is Drake. I'm from the Department of Internal Revenue. Oh, fine. That's all I need to complete the day. What's on your mind? We're just making a routine checkup on your returns for last year. There's some pretty large deductions that we'd like to have you verify. Well, I'm sure that everything's in order. I'll be glad to cooperate in any way I... excuse me. Hello? Oh, Martha dear, I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to call you back. I was... no. No, your attorney hasn't gotten here yet. What? Tell him to forget the whole thing? You've changed your mind about going through with the divorce? Oh, darling, well, you know I love you. What's that? Do you think the world of me is attractive? Do you think I'm cute? Well, I am a little pudgy. So what? Do you think I'm sweet and adorable? And you found the receipt for the trespart? Oh, Martha darling. Look, why don't you meet me downstairs at Tony's? We'll toast to our reunion and go out to dinner. I'll run right down and order champagne. Goodbye, my angel. Uh, what about me, Mr. Clyde? No, no, haven't got time, son. I just made up with the biggest tax deduction a man ever had. Mrs. Community Property. Goodbye, Secretary. I'll tell you everything you want to know. Just remember, I'm a businessman. I have large expenses. Goodbye. Ms. Peterson, tell this man everything he wants to know. Goodbye. Who, when you're dancing and you're dangerously near me... Well, Miss, are you ready for me now? Oh, yes, we were expecting you, sir. You were? Well, good. Now, we get the general impression of the office that Mr. Clyde is a very extravagant man. Person you can meet. You don't say so. Yeah. Well, there's no point in going through this list. Just give this to Mr. Clyde when he returns. Oh, I will. I think this should clarify matters. You have no idea. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, it's the, um, $14,000 payable to the government. Gosh, where's Mrs. Clyde going to live in a White House? Who, when you're dancing and... Oh, oh, Mr. Clyde. I forgot my overcoat. Congratulations, Mrs. Peterson. Mrs. Clyde and I are very bahatchy. Isn't that wonderful? Yes, but why does her lawyer want all this money, especially after I told him how cheap you were? Her lawyer? Yes. Let me see that. $14,000. You idiot, that man was from the income tax department. You didn't tell me. Well, why didn't you ask? But I thought, oh, you must want to shoot me. I bet you want to throw me out of the window. You probably want to murder me. No, but keep talking until you come to something legal. I heard it out, Patras, by proving the expenditures he listed on his income tax returns were authentic. As for Irma, this whole thing has made a profound impression on her. Kate, yes, what is it? After Joe and I get married, there'll never be a divorce in our family. Well, I'm glad to hear that. Yep, I think marriage is a 50-50 proposition. If I do anything wrong, I'll apologize. And if he does anything wrong, I'll ask him to forgive me. This girl hasn't got any divorce problem at all. Why? Well, because most divorces are based on mental cruelty. And there isn't a person in the world who can prove there's anything mental about my friend Irma. Here's a scene that could happen in your doctor's office. A doctor speaks to Mrs. Smith. You're in perfect health, but there's no need for you to take laxatives three and four times a week. No need, doctor? None. Five New York doctors now have proved you can break the laxative habit and regain that wonderful feeling that goes with natural regularity. 83% of the cases tested did it. So can you. I'd love to, doctor, but how? Stop taking whatever you take now. Instead, every night for one week, take two Carter's little liver pills. Second week, one each night. Third week, one every other night. Then, nothing. Every day, drink plenty of liquids. Put yourself on schedule. But how can Carter's help break the laxative habit, doctor? Because Carter's little liver pills not only relieve irregularity, they also improve the flow of liver bile that is needed for natural regularity. When worry, overeating, overwork make you irregular temporarily, take Carter's temporarily, and don't get the laxative habit. Get Carter's little liver pills. Only 43 cents. Break your laxative habit. Restore your natural powers of regularity. My friend Irma is transcribed and directed by Park Levy. Marie Wilson is starred as Irma with Mary Ship as Kay. Benny Rubin as Professor Kropotkin. Gloria Gordon as Mrs. O'Reilly. Alan Reed as Mr. Clyde. And Hal March as Joe. Also included in the cast for Bonnie Phillips, Virginia Gregg and Luke Rubin. Script was by Park Levy, Stanley Adams and Roland McClain. This is John Heason speaking. My friend Irma has been brought to you by Carter's little liver pills, proved by five New York doctors to improve the flow of liver bile and break the laxative habit. Be sure to tune in next week at the same time to My Friend Irma. This is the CBS Radio Network.