 Good morning everybody, one welcome to all of you to week three of our class, of our course on marriage and family. I hope all of you are doing well. It's good to see some of you in. Welcome to all our e-learning students also for making time to listen, to learn and to go alongside with us on the course. Let's just start with the word of prayer and then we'll move right in. Heavenly Father, we thank you God for your presence and for your guidance with us over the last one week. Thank you that your grace and mercy has led us so wonderfully, so marvelously. Lord, even as we look to you, we sit together Lord in this class of learning about Christian marriage and family. Father, we pray that you will align us to your word. We will align us to your truth. Give us the wisdom we need. Father, we pray that we will be guided by your spirit. Lord, in every decision that we take in marriage and outside of marriage. Father, I pray for every student here. Lord, I thank you for their homes, for their lives, wherever they are and right now. Thank you for the plan and purpose that you have for them. Lead them God in your guidance, in your strength, but even as we learn together, I pray this would be a time of enriching, of equipping and Holy Spirit also a time where you convict us Lord to live according to your ways. We ask all this in your precious name. Amen. Alright, thank you once again for coming in. I hope all of you can hear me and I hope I can hear you all as well. Just, it would be great just for someone to just unmute and say hello because I can sometimes there's a problem with my goobie mate. Just somebody just saying hello. Hello ma'am. Okay, hi Chira. Okay, I can hear you. Thank you. Thanks. Okay, so we looked at last week we were looking at how we prepare for marriage and we looked at seven areas of preparation. Would somebody like to quickly just take everybody through a refresher of those seven points that we spoke about last week? Quickly, seven points. You could just tell me the headings, just share the headings. That would be that would be like a refresher for all of us on this call. Any one person? Yes, Anand. Yeah, somebody? Shivakumar? Yes, Anand. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Yes. Becoming the best you, first one. The second one is about the emotional health you. Third one is about this management personally. Okay. And the fourth one is about finances, sorry, relationship skills. Okay. And the fifth one is it's about overcoming past abuses, trauma, what we've been through this in this childhood in our, about all these things what happened in our lives. And the sixth thing is the sexual purity. Okay. And the last one is about the maturity of calling for the ministry. Okay. Thank you so much, Anand. Thank you. Appreciate that. Yeah. So we looked at those seven areas of preparation. We looked at it looked at them in some detail. We will continue picking up from that and really building on it over our next few classes also. So today we are going to we're continuing the larger topic of how we build a strong foundation for marriage. And we're on chapter three right now today. And it's this entire chapter is deals with practical and biblical guidelines on how you can make a choice of a of a person you want to marry. Okay. So this is this is what do we do what kind of guidelines that we can we keep in mind as we are making that choice. Now, when we're looking through this entire chapter because we all come from probably different cultural contexts, we want to be aware that how we choose to marry or how we make a choice can vary in across cultures. It can vary, you know, especially in India, it can vary from state to state. It can vary from region to region. It can vary from country to country. So even as we look at this chapter, we are cognizant of the fact that everyone may not have the freedom or an opportunity to put into application all of that which is presented in this chapter, because there can be different factors that prevent one from really going with some of these guidelines. There could be parental factors that could be factors with regard to society, expectations maybe from from your family or from a society. So in case if there are some some situations like this, we we we stand and know that God is above all of that. He's above sovereign over over everything. So to be to come to a place of bringing it to the Lord, surrendering it to the Lord, yielding it to the Lord and looking at him to work on your behalf, even though there may be some of these constraints that you would find yourself in. So even if it if you're not able to completely apply it because of the kind of cultural background or a familial concern that you're coming from, remember to submit it to the Lord and allow him to work through the choices that you make. Okay. So we're going to initially look at when we are making the choice, what is something that we need to broadly understand? And I want to bring about the word here, which is compatibility. Okay, now the word compatibility. What does it mean? It's it's an ability of two people to be able to exist together to live together in agreement. That's that's it is it is a place of agreement compatibilities where you're coming together to be a place of agreement or in other words, an ability to be one together to be yoked together. Okay, it's also compatibility also comes from a place of understanding where two people in walking in marriage are able to come to a place of understanding. Compatibility also is where two people are able to see that they are different yet see these differences as one way or as a as a potential or as an opportunity where they can work together. So that's what we're looking at compatibility. So as we've been looking up in our different in our earlier chapters that marriage is coming together of two people right of two different individuals. And this coming together being one this union is in the body and the soul as well as the spirit and that's the place of agreement right that that you're looking. So it's an important place to look at to be compatible in these three realms the spirit, the soul and the body. And so we will look at each of them in a little bit of detail. Okay, so let's look the first is spiritual compact compatibility. Okay, so when we're looking at spiritual compatibility, we want to see and and share that it's just not enough for two people who are coming together in marriage to just be believers, right? Yes, being believers is a very important and a necessary thing to walk in agreement. It's important to move a little ahead of that in understanding what could be the commitment or the way the love, the attention, the compassion, the passion that they use, or they have in establishing that relationship with God. Or what are the disciplines that they carry out in their walk with God? What what do what do they see as their calling or as their destinies? So it's so as we said being believers is just not enough, but that both have similar commitments, similar passions and similar disciplines that will help them to grow together to work with work with one another. Okay, so why is this important is that let's say even in disciplines of marriage, maybe one person is disciplined every day to read scripture, to be at a time of prayer, to go in for maybe for Bible studies, spending a lot more time in devotion, whereas the other person may not be just to be a Sunday goer. So this difference in this kind of a spiritual passion can of course become a place of conflict, right? Now, even so, even as we've said this, if there are any of us over here who are married and realize that there is an incompatibility in this that that may exist in this area, this definitely is not an excuse that we can use to move away from one another. It is to be able to be aware, recognize that there is this difference and keep working on the marriage with the help of God and wisdom in this area. Okay, so that's that that's the first one, what we're looking at is spiritual compatibility. The second one that we're looking at is emotional and intellectual compatibility. Now we do see that the soul, the soul has the intellect, the mind, the will and the emotions. It is in that level that you connect with one another. Okay, so when you are making a choice of a person, one area to check of compatibility is how well you are able to relate with somebody else emotionally and also intellectually. Is there a is there a place where you can mutually understand one another? Are you able to respect each other? Are you able to understand what kind of emotions a person is going through? How, how best do you find yourself expressing your emotions together? Is there a place of comfort in being able to understand each other's emotions? Right? Now, it's true that, you know, marriage is a journey and it's not something that you may be able to determine in the initial probably weeks of your interaction with the person. Now, a very broad idea of the kind of compatibility that you also is intellectual compatibility. Are there areas where you can actually talk and share, relate, connect, create and join things together? So these are two specific areas. Again, we're going to understand for those of us on marriage, if you do find incompatibility in any of this, it is not a reason to move away, but it is to recognize the difference and keep together, taking the help of God through these areas, the emotional and the intellectual area. The third one is the physical compatibility. Now, physical compatibility is about being, finding and being attracted to you in a way that you appreciate or beauty that you see. So there's nothing wrong in being excited about that. However, it's not something that we take out of context. It has its right and that shouldn't be the primary reason for why you make a decision. The physical compatibility, the way someone looks or their beauty or their appearance shouldn't be the only reason why you want to marry someone, although it is important to feel physically attracted to the person that you're married. Okay. And the fourth one is compatibility in life's calling. So in this area, it is to understand what you want to do in life, if God is calling you, also completely, nevertheless, you get a good sense when you get in with them, right? In one is, does the person have a recognition that God's calling them to do something or something that they want that God is intending for them to pursue, right? Because why is this important is if there are two people who, when they come together in marriage, one may have a certain idea, the other may have a posing idea, and this in itself, again, can cause a lot of dissatisfaction and later, a sense of conflict that may come about. May have an understanding of getting ministry, whereas the other person may be able to work in a corporate aesthetic or maybe build a business. So to understand, to ensure that it doesn't lead to dissatisfaction and thereby having a conflict as a result. So these are four areas of compatibility that we can broadly look at even as we make a choice. Okay. Now, even as you're looking for these areas of compatibility, time that you need to look out for is to really check to see any signs of any warning sign, whether there are things or indication areas of difficulties that make. You do see such signs. If you do observe such signs, it's important to resolve these or address these before marriage. So to critically look at some of these areas, because, you know, with a lot of experience with working with people, a lot of times people get into marriage without really considering some of these because of the emotional space that they are in, right? They feel there's so much in connection with the other person, so much in love with them, that some of these signs that we're going to be talking about, some of these warning signs get overlooked, or they feel that they aren't too significant in that relationship. But these are definitely certain red flags that you need to consider, need to bring in conversations, need to get addressed before you make that choice. So we look at some of those, these red flags, some of these warning signs that are indicators that could be probably, that could be potential problem areas. Okay. So the first is the signs. Now, how does this, how does this span out? Or how do you see of this is in the way that how responsible are they in the things that surround them in the in their workplace, in the way that they have towards the people who are close to what kind of readiness are they showing for marriage and for family? Have they been able to an understanding of marriage, have they prepared themselves financially, in being able to take responsibility of standing in that role of marriage? And it's just not in one area, but in multiple areas, there's a sign that that is a red flag. The second one is signs of a lack of preparation. So how are they taking time to prepare themselves that we discussed earlier, right? How much of a preparation are they taking in the bride and the bride, weights on and issues within, within their for example, are they holding a job? Well, are there pitted jobs that they can choose emotional manage their own person? The next one is parental control, any signs of parental control? What do you notice about the relationship that the person have involved, even in the marriage, they become as the next spouse, who is there in the marital relationship? So any kind of so any control can can definitely be detrimental to the marriage. Yes, Anand, I think you have a question. Would you like to unmute and share? Are you able to hear me? Are you able to hear me? Am I, Anand, I think you raised your hand was it for a question or I okay, you all are able to hear me. Is there anything that you all want me to repeat? If you all have not heard anything, is there anything that you want me to repeat? Ma'am, can you unmute yourself? Can you unmute yourself? I'm unmuted, Anand, you can't hear me. Can you hear me now? Am I audible? Yes ma'am, you're audible now. Okay, so could you share with me till where you all heard? Is there, is there some parts that you all didn't hear? You missed a little bit. Could somebody tell me where, where you missed so that I could just repeat that? Which part of it is that you are missed? Yes ma'am, when you, when you start the warning signs from there, we got problem. Oh, okay. All right. Oh, okay. So I will, I will just go through that once again. Okay. So we were, we were looking at warning signs. We said what, how, what do we take? All right, the red flags weren't very clear. All right. So the warning signs are indicators that there can be problem areas in the, in the marriage. So what are the potential problem areas? So we will look, we will look at a few of them. The first one is the signs of immaturity. So when we look at this area, we're looking at to see how responsible the person is in his own life in being able to manage his own self in being able to manage things around him, maybe a job, maybe whatever he's been called, the person has been called to do any kind of inability or a lack or a slack of things over there could show that the person may be immature or even for preparation towards marriage, taking on the responsibility of marriage. So in order to take a responsibility of marriage, one needs to take care of multiple number of things before they can get into, into, into marriage. So if that is something that's not there, if they are a slack in doing so, if, if it is taken very, very fluently, these could express signs of immaturity. Okay. The second one is signs of lack of preparation. We looked through those seven areas last week. And if you find that the person is avoiding or not focusing on one or more areas, it shows that there isn't a that they aren't moving or aren't taking marriage or taking the preparation seriously. Now that becomes a red flag, because this is one of the most important decisions a person takes in their life. And if they aren't doing anything to get themselves equipped to get themselves in a better position for marriage, then you would see that as a lack of preparation. The third one is character weakness signs of character weakness. Now in this is any kind of issues or concerns in one's personality, in the way that in the way that they lead themselves in the way that they relate to people in the way that they able to hold a job in the way that they are able to deal with their stress, deal with emotions, also in the way how what kind of coping patterns do they have when there are struggles or difficulties that come? What do they turn to in order to experience a sense of equilibrium? What kind of what are what are some of the what are some addictions that you may see? All of this expresses how the person carries out oneself carries out himself or herself. So if there are any kind of weaknesses here, that becomes any weaknesses that they are not willing to work on, they're not willing to identify becomes again a red flag. The next one is parental control signs of parental control when the person's parents become overly controlling and become overly they're extremely dominant. And there is a lot of interference in in the way that the parents work alongside with the person, maybe all decisions are made by them. And there is a control over who they should marry, what they should do, where they should go, what they should wear all of that if that's if that if that's something that you see that again becomes a red flag. Also, if there is significant dependence, parental dependence, that is the person you're considering to marry is highly dependent and very, very strongly attached to the parents. And so what you would see is that they would probably even in marriage give a lot more of importance to the family to them to the parents more than establishing a relationship with the with the spouse. And lastly is to also discuss and see what parents or spiritual mentors say about the person one is considering, you know, what are their thoughts, what are they able to see? What are some warning signs that they may see that you may be blinded to? So all of these things are are things that become potential areas and to be able to consider this, you know, not keep a blind eye or keep a closed eye if some of these are seen out. Okay. Any questions up until now before we move on? We spoke about compatibility and we spoke about warning signs. Any questions? Okay, so we will move on. So here now we're just going to look at certain practical guidelines as you as you make our responsibilities when you're making a choice when you're making the decision to marry. Okay. If you look at James chapter one verse eight, a double minded man is is scripture talks about a double minded man who is unstable in all his all his ways. Okay. So when you make a decision or when you firm up a certain expectation, you will find that you will be able to find what you're looking for. So it is important not to just walk into marriage without an understanding or without an expectation because the responsibility lies with us, with us as people to make a choice. Okay. So God puts on us as a responsibility to make a choice keeping the larger guidelines in marriage. Okay. So God has given each of us the choice and the liberty and the freedom to make the choice of who to marry and so in order to do that, we must firmly make up our minds and understand or know what we want in marriage or what we want to see in the person we are marrying. So it is it's a good practice to be able to write down and put down areas of things that you expect, areas of expectation or things that you expect you would like to see in your partner or the person you want to marry because and it is important to be sure about it, to be firm about it so that there isn't any cause of a question at a later point of time. Okay. So be clear about the kind of person you would like to marry and and even as you are putting down those expectations, be realistic. You know, so many times when people come up with expectations, excuse me, people come up with expectations, they want the moon and all of that. So be realistic in the way that you are expecting or the way that you determine who you'd like to marry. So take time to really think about the qualities that are important to you or the traits that you would like to see in the person you want to marry. So bring about a list and make it an exhaustive list. It's important to know specific details about what you are looking for. Determine to see what is extremely critical for you and also determine to see what may be good to have, even though it may not be critical, what may be good to have. Write down what your expectations are of marriage, what is it that you would want to see? How do you visualize the home and the family coming up? What is it that you would like to see about your home and family? You know, build a picture of it, bring words to it, understand what is it that you'd like? Because when you have a clear picture in mind, then you're definitely seeking for someone who will be able to walk alongside with you to create a marriage like that. So again, what is important to remember is that even though it's not, marriage is not everything about what you can get from the other person, it is also what you can bring, how you can also add value into the marriage. So at the same time, take time to really understand and reflect what are some qualities or traits that you will bring into the marriage or you bring because of who you are or what kind of a person you are that you can bring in for the benefit of the person you're marrying. Okay, think about how you would like to build your home and your family alongside with your spouse. Okay, so even when you look at answering these questions, be practical, be authentic and be more specific, rather than being extremely vague because it can actually help you build a certain framework into marriage. Okay, now we move on to the next part, is even while we are thinking about these questions to bring about the clarity about what we are looking for and who we would like to marry, we just want to address a certain framework or a certain question, even as you're making this decision. Okay, and the question here is, is there an appointed one and only? Is there this one person that is kept somewhere in the world for me to marry? Is there that specific appointed one and only person? So, we'd like to take some learnings from one of the, you know, a good love story that's there in the Bible and I'd like someone to read it out. It's from Genesis chapter 24 verses 1 to 15. Genesis 24, 1 to 15, it's a fairly long chapter, long passage, but it's okay, I think we can read it because just to get some insights into this question, is there this one and only person for me to marry? So, is there someone who can read out Genesis 24, 1 to 15? Abraham was now very old and the Lord had blessed him in everything he did. He said to his older servant who was in charge of all that he had, place your hand between my thighs and make a vow. I want you to make a vow in the name of the Lord, that the God of heaven and earth, that you will not choose a wife for my son from the people here in Canaan. You must go back to the country where I was born and get a wife for my son Isaac, from among my relatives. But the servant asked, what if a young woman will not leave home to come with me to this land? Should I send your son back to the land you came from? Abraham answered, make sure that you don't send my son back there. The Lord, the God of heaven, brought me from the home of my father and from the land of my relatives and he suddenly promised me that he would give this land to my descendants. He will send his angel before you so that you can get a wife there for my son. If the young woman is not willing to come with you, you will be free from this promise. But you must not under any circumstances take my son back there. So the servant put his hand between the thighs of Abraham's master and made a vow to do what Abraham had asked. The servant who was in charge of Abraham's property took 10 of his master's camels and went to the city where Nahor had lived in northern Mesopotamia. When he arrived, he made the camels kneel down at the well outside the city. It was late afternoon, the time when women came out to get water. He prayed, Lord, God of my master, Abraham, give me success today and keep your promise to my master. Here I am at the well where the young women of the city will be coming to get water. I will say to one of them, please lower your jar and let me have a drink. If she says, drink and I will also bring water for your camels. May she be the one that you have chosen for your servant Isaac. If this happens, I will know that you have kept your promise to my master. Before he had finished praying, Rebekah arrived with a water jar on his shoulder. She was the daughter of Bekuah, who was the son of Abraham's brother Nahor and his wife Milka. Ma'am, can you please unmute? So sorry, I'm so sorry. Okay, so this is a story of how Abraham sends his servant to send a bride for Isaac. And we're looking at this passage basically to understand this one question. Is there that one and only person that we have to find to be married? Okay, so we're just going to look at certain insights. So if we look at verse 8, it says, if the young woman is not willing to come with you, you will be free from this promise. Abraham is telling his servant this, right? If the young woman is not willing to come with you. So what does Abraham recognize? He recognizes that there can be a possibility that whoever this young woman is, she can make the decision to not come along. Even though there may be some signs or certain things that he's saying, there is a possibility that this woman that is being considered or that is being sent may not agree or may not come about. So what we are seeing over here is that Abraham did go, Abraham's servant, did go in search of a bride and was depending on the Lord for that guidance. And one of the ways that he had to discern that guidance is what you will see. Later on in that chapter, you will see that once Rebekah comes, the servant is actually watching her to see if it was the right person, if she was the right person. So I think it's verse 20, 21. It says, the man kept watching her in silence, watching her in silence to see if the Lord had given him success. So although he went with that understanding that God is guiding him into, he also had the possibility of knowing that this woman could have, would have or could have said no to the person. So when you look at the way that Abraham's servant went about this, he did not just stay back and think that somehow somebody would come into his house and ask for a groom to be married. But what you see that Abraham's servant did is he actually stepped out in faith. He went out to search for a bride. And he also had a practical way of recognizing what God was guiding him to do. So although he went with a guidance, went with the wisdom God had given him, went with some way of recognizing that God was guiding, he was also aware of the fact that the woman or the girl could say no. Now, when we are depending on God's guidance, remember, we as New Testament believers, we have the Holy Spirit to guide us in our spirit. And as Romans 12 2 says that we have been called to make use of our renewed minds to prove what is good, what is acceptable and what is pleasing to him. So we as believers do have the presence of the Holy Spirit to bring us to a place of guidance. God has called us to renew our minds so that we can understand and prove what is pleasing to the Lord. Okay, as you keep going on in that story, you will also see in verses 49 to 51, we see that Abraham's servant did not override the choice and will of the family of Rebecca. He did not say, okay, I came from here and this is what I had asked the Lord and the Lord showed me all of this, it matches up exactly well. There isn't a mistake to it, so this is what it should be. But if you look at Genesis 24 49 to 51, I'll read that out. Now, if you intend to fulfill your responsibility towards my Master and treat him fairly, please tell me, if not, say so and I will decide what to do. Laban and Betuel answered, since this matter comes from the Lord, it is not for us to make a decision. Here is Rebecca, take her and go, let her become the wife of your Master's son as the Lord himself has said. So what do you see here? Abraham did recognize God's guidance through that entire process of the well and the water and the camels and he saw Rebecca but he went and met Rebecca's family. He did not use any kind of force or spiritual understanding to make them do what he felt was right or he saw as God guiding him but he goes them and lets them make that decision to see if they were willing. And it says he was still willing to take no for an answer, it says in verse 49, please tell me if not say so and I will decide what to do. So he was also willing to take no for an answer and decide to do what they had chosen to do. So we also find later on in that chapter verses 54 to 59, ultimately even though all of this happened it was Rebecca's decision. We'll just read through that, that's Genesis 24 verses 54 to 59, can somebody else read that please, Genesis 54, 24 verses 54 to 59, could somebody read that, somebody, could somebody read that please, Genesis 24, 54 to 59, Genesis 24, 52 to 59 and he and the men who were there with him ate and drank and stayed all night, then they arose in the morning and he said send me away to my master but her brother and her mother said let the young women stay with us a few days, at least 10 after that she may go and he said to them do not hinder me since the Lord has prospered my way, send me away so that I may go to my master. So they said we will call the young woman and ask her personally, then they called Rebecca and said to her will you go with this man and she said I will go. So they sent away Rebecca and their sister and her nurse and Abraham's servant, his men. Okay, thank you. So if you see this, we see that the family called Rebecca and finally asked her and she was the one who made that choice, she made the choice to decide to go or to not go. So she could have said no but she decided to say yes. So it's possibly right that she may have had the peace to say yes and in a way that God probably would have prepared her heart to do that. Nevertheless, she was the one, she had to recognize that and then say or respond. She needed to recognize the guidance that God was giving her personally in order to go ahead. So when we look at guidance on who, what are we looking at? We're looking at there are certain factors that we're looking at. One, it should be in the Lord, it should be a teaching of the scripture, it should be an inner witness of the Holy Spirit. It's a decision that a person needs to make, you're not overriding the family's decision and you're taking the words of the person in check over there, ultimately knowing that it is their decision to be married. So from what we have read through, we believe that there is just not this one person but there can be many people who can potentially become a spouse or become a partner in someone's life. But it is with the guidance, with God's guidance, with wisdom, with the understanding that he gives you, you need to make a choice of marrying one person. And that's why we mean to say that there isn't just this one person and that in case you miss that person, then you have missed the chance of being married forever. But what we understand and what we believe through this account is that once you have made the choice of marrying a person, you think that the Lord is guiding you to and who you understand and find through your measures of expectations that they are the most suitable for you, then with that, two people work together in building a great marriage. So it is a responsibility of two people to work with that marriage. So while you are looking out or while you are seeking, you're not focused or looking for finding that one person, that very one, only one and only person for your life. But the person you recognize as the one God is guiding you to and you determine would be the right person for you. So someone who you feel God is guiding you to, you recognize God is guiding you to and you sense and you know or through the expectations you've put up is that you determine as the person that is most suitable for you. So the one that you choose with his guidance, with the knowledge he's given you, with the wisdom he's given you, finally becomes the one for you, becomes the one person as the very one person for your life who you would like to marry. All right, we're at 10.50 right now. Let's break for a 10 minute break and come back. So at 11 o'clock, we shall resume class. You could just have a cup of coffee and come back at 11.