 RCA Victor, world leader at radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. The enjoyment here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First, a word from RCA Victor. Ladies, how would you like a permanent vacation from cooking drudgery? Now I can't promise you a full-time kitchen maid, but I can promise you years of easier cooking with a new RCA Estate Space King range. Whether you choose a gas or electric space king, RCA brings you features never before found in a range so compact. It's only 30 inches wide, yet the enormous oven is two feet across. Insulizer walls keep your kitchen really cool, and the RCA Estate Space King is so gracefully styled with a one-piece top, lovely to look at, easy to clean. Electric models have a radiant high broiler, four fast, seven heat units, and automatic clock control with minute alarm. Oh, I could go on and on, but it's so much easier to simply invite you to see the new RCA Estate Space King ranges, priced as low as $149.95. They're at your dealers now. Now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Well, the Harris household is pretty quiet today. As a matter of fact, Phil is still sleeping, but the RCA clock radio beside his bed is slowly approaching the hour when he will be awakened to the soft soothing strains of beautiful music. Wait a minute, what happened? What was that? Oh, Phil, it's just the clock radio. Alice, how many times have I told you not to wake me up with Herbert Clark and his silver corn at Long Beach Municipal Park Band? Yesterday, before I knew what I was doing, I marched halfway to Vine Street in my pajamas. Hey, wait a minute, Alice, what are you doing all dressed? Well, I've got to go to the beauty shop, and I'm late now. I'll see you a little later. Wait a minute, honey. Alice, well, she really wasn't a hurry. Well, I guess I'll just stay in bed a little while and read. That's what I'll do. I'll just whistle out the wind and tell my dog to bring in the morning paper. Go get the paper, Herman. That's right, get the morning paper. Yeah, yeah, the morning paper. Then bring it to me here at the window. Herman, this is a quart of milk. Now go back and get the paper. That's right. That's right. The morning paper. Now go ahead and bring it to me. Herman, that's a quart of... It's too early, Herman. It's too early, Herman. Now think. Just watch me and think, Herman. I want the morning paper, not the milk or not the too early. Just the paper. That's right. Now you understand. The morning paper. So go get it. Now what have you brought me, Herman? I'm the milkman and tell him to put me down. Hey, never mind, Herman. Never mind the paper. I'll just... Hey, Curling. Hey, Elliot, where'd you come from? I've been waiting in the front room till you woke up. I didn't want to come in too early because I know how foggy and mixed up and confused you are in the morning. Now what's the idea coming in here and making a crack like that? I'm as wide awake in the morning as anybody else. Can't you see I'm dressed? I've got on my bathrobe and my bedroom slippers. Bathrobe and bedroom slippers? Curly, you're wearing Alice's mink coat and two waste paper baskets. Well, they feel so good I may leave them on all day. Hey, if you want to help me, though, you may draw my bath for me. Curly, I didn't mean to upset you. Do you want your bath fixed the usual way? Of course. Okay. Now let me see. Some oil of pine. Now some essence of hyacinth. Some lavender baby breath. And now hold it. Another jigger of that baby breath. And now to add some taboo. Now let me see. Hey, Curly, where'd I leave out? Water. Oh, yeah. That's enough. Now turn your back. Why? Just turn your back, that's all. Why, Curly, I've seen you in your saucy Susie sleeping sack before. Curly, it's not that. It's just that I want to add my secret beauty ingredient to the bathwater. What is it? Well, would you promise not to tell anybody? Yeah. What's your secret beauty ingredient? Adolph's meat tenderizer. Can I think you're wise to try and stay as young as you can for as long as you can? What do you mean? Well, before you got up, I have an answer in the phone and... Oh, Curly, I hate to be the one to tell you. Funny how the husband is always the last one to know. What? Wait a minute. What is this? No, no. I don't want to snitch on Alice. Look, Elliot, don't be cute. Alice and I have no secrets from each other. And besides, everything that Alice does is aces with me. Everything she does is all right. You understand? Everything. Well, some guy just called up and said to tell Alice he was free for the date tonight. Everything but fat. Look, this early in the morning, you ain't gonna start kidding me about no guy calling up. Of course not. Gee, now that I see how upset you got, I'm sure glad I didn't mention those other five guys who called... Curly, no. No, Curly. I'm too young to die. Too young, I tell you, Curly. I still got 10,000 words left in my paper mate's hand. Look, Elliot, I don't want you to get the idea that I'm jealous. It's just that a thing like this never happened before. No, no, no, Herman. No. No. I want the morning paper. Now take that thing back. Get out of here with that. Well, wonder how he got that fire hydrant unscrewed. Hey, Curly, he's quite a dog, isn't he? Yeah, but I gotta get him a doghouse. Keeps bringing home telephone booths. But look, Elliot, getting back to you. Now, it's my honest opinion that... Well, them phone calls, they're... Well, it's merely a coincidence. Maybe even wrong numbers. Yeah, that's it, Curly. Wrong number. Hi, Julius. Julius, what's a grocery boy doing delivering flowers? He asked me to deliver this basket of flowers to Miss Faith. Baskets of flowers to Miss Faith? These flowers must have cost at least $35. Mr. Harris, whoever spent them on at least 40 percent. My Uncle HCO's got his own flower shop. Well, you should see some Uncle HCO's flowers. Who wants roses with 12-foot stems? Culture isn't... Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can imagine. He's the one... My head in the sling, but I'm gonna ask anyway. Julius, your Uncle crossed the parrot with a ball constrictor? Yeah. What things I ever heard of... Listen to this. To Alice, you will always be my angel eyes. Yours truly, your little lamb chop. Curly, your little lamb chop? Yeah, that's right. Your little lamb chop. If I can get my hands on him, I'll ruin his paper panties. Lamb chops. Look, this thing is getting too big for me. Where you going, Curly? My dad, when a man's home is being broken up, a boy needs his father. If you're young and hard to be narrow of mind If you're young and impossible schemes You can laugh when your dreams fall apart at the same And life gets more exciting with each passing day And love is either in your heart or on the way Don't you know that it's worth every treasure on earth To be young at heart As you are, it's much better by far To be young at heart And if you should survive to 105 Look at all you'll derive If you are among the very young at heart To be young to 105 Look at all you'll derive If you are among the very young The best place to find dad is out in his hobby shop. That's where he spends most of his time. Hey, Dad! Dad, are you in there? No, no, son. Come on in. Watch it. Just step right over that stuffed alligator. He isn't dead yet. Dad, you ought to tidy up this hobby shop. You've got more darn junk around here. No, no, it's not junk, son. Everything here has a purpose. Well, look, Dad, I'd like to talk to you about something very important. Everything here has a purpose. Now, you take these things here. They're shrunken heads from Africa. They're real shrunken human heads. I put all those little holes in the top of them and make wonderful salt and pepper shakers. Easy to tell the pepper from the salt. He's the one that's smiling. But, Dad, I wanted to talk... Yes. Look, Dad, I don't want to bother you about this thing, but, well, something terrible has happened. Dad, something that's liable to break me and Alice up. Well, son, marriage is your proposition of giving a little and taking a little. Whatever you do, don't be stubborn. Like your Uncle Purvis. Uncle Purvis? There was a stubborn man, son. When he found out the freeway was going through his property, he said he wasn't going to let him. In fact, when those steam rollers came, he went out and told him he wasn't budging. Uncle Purvis did that. Those steam rollers started for him, but Uncle Purvis didn't move. They came closer and closer, but he stood his ground. Like I say, son, in marriage you shouldn't be too stubborn. But, Dad, what happened to Uncle Purvis? You know that long flat carpet we have in the hallway? Well, thanks for the advice, Dad. You're welcome, son, anytime. Alice, did Alice call while I was gone? No, no sign of her yet. I wonder where she could be. Well, if you want a clue, why don't you go out in the kitchen and see if there's a bottle of ketchup missing? A bottle of ketchup? What for? Well, she might be out with lamb chop. That's pretty funny, huh, girlie? No, no. No, it was not funny. Well, take out my backbone and I'll sag to them. Can't imagine who could have sent Alice that great big basket of flowers. It couldn't have been Marlon Brand, though. He's too young for Alice. It couldn't have been Mickey Rooney. He's too old for her. Maybe by a process of elimination. All right, wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it a minute. What's the matter with you? What are you doing? What's that for? Well, I figure while you were planning where you'd go to get your divorce, I'd practice my kazoo. Oh, fine, fine. I'm in the depths of despair and you're thinking about your career. It's your career, too. What about Curly's kazoo five? What? Curly's kazoo five. Didn't we just organize them? And we're going to play our first job next week? Oh, yeah, yeah. You know, Curly, I've been thinking as the feature of that engagement, I could play a kazoo solo combined with a recitation. It would be very effective. Something like this. I think that I shall never see. Will you stop it? I'm lovely as a tree. Look, Alice, I don't want to hear nothing about no trees or nothing about no poems or no trees. Now, if you want to know something, I don't like trees. You don't like trees? How can you say that? If we didn't have trees, where would we get the wood for doors? Who cares? Where would we get the wood for furniture? Television sets, station wagons. Who cares? Where would we get the lumber to build cocktail bars? Who? I'll get my ax. I'll go with you. Hey, Curly, don't be so brought down. Even if Alice has met some other man, it's probably all very innocent. Innocent? Innocent. Sure, yeah. Well, I'm getting so stings up about it. So, so silly. Sure. You've got to expect little things like this. Yeah. That blonde hair of Alice's is very beautiful. It would attract any young handsome South American millionaire. I certainly am. A guy that'd be nuts, not how'd he get in there? Well, it's just that there's a convention of South American millionaires from Brazil in town, and if Alice just happened to smile at one of those romantic Latin caballeros, it would be Vox Pastore and Silica Semper Tyrannus Absolutum. What do you mean by that? You may be writing to Alice and care of a banana boat. Curly, you don't want her going to Brazil, do you? No, no, I should say not. Okay, she's coming up the front walk right now. If she were my wife, I'd know what to do. So do I. I'll put a stop to this in a hurry. Hello, Phil. Hello, Phil. Now, don't lie to me, Alice. You've been out chasing around with a tall, good-looking South American plantation owner from Brazil. What? Don't deny it. I can smell the coffee on your breath. You did have a cup of coffee this afternoon. Uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh. And where did you go after that? Well, to a jewelry store. Uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh. Went to a store and picked out some lingerie. Uh-huh. Wait for me, Clyde. Alice, how could you do this to me? How could you do this to our marriage? What? Well, our tender love has been like a seed. We nursed it with the warm sunshine of our hearts. We kept it alive through the seasons together. We protected it, sheltered it until it grew. And it grew and it grew. Stop that, will you, Elliot? Wait a minute, Curly. I wouldn't hit a guy with a nest of robins in his hair. Would you please explain what's going on here? Oh, no, no, no. You're the one that has a little explaining to do. Curly thinks you've been running around with another man. Another man? How could I meet another man? Feel the way you watch me. You should have gotten one of those look awards. I'm a little jealous. But look, if you don't want to steam me, baby, just answer a few questions. Just a few questions. What do you want to know, green eyes? Just why did you go to the beauty shop today instead of your regular day? And another thing, why did you go so early? Because I had to take the bus. Why didn't you take your car? Because your car was blocking the driveway. Why didn't you move it? Because it was upside down. You were parked upside down? Well, it looked like rain and it was easier than putting the top up. Now, several men called right here and asked for you. Now, who were they? Well, if you're so snoopy, why didn't you find out what they wanted? Yeah, it would have been easy, Curly. You could have told them you were Alice with a sinus condition. That would be funny. Look, Alice, I want to know who those men were and who was the knucklehead you were getting so pretty for in that beauty shop. All right, Bad 714, I'll tell you. The men who called me this afternoon were Ralph, Bobby, Tommy, Red, Alvino, Pete, Sam, Joe, Marvin, Jack, Bill and Ed. All members of your band. The reason they called was to tell me they were accepting my invitation for a little surprise gathering here at the house tonight in your honor. And the knucklehead I was getting so pretty for at the beauty shop was you. Now what have you got to say? I'll go put a couple more knuckles in the parking way. Now, that explains pardon. But there's just one more little item. You see that gigantic basket of flowers over there? Who sent those to you? Curly, I don't know, Phil. Maybe one of the fellas in the band. Oh, no, no. There ain't a hole in no water. I'm going to call Joe the Force right now and find out who sent them flowers. One of my guys, son. I got some real bird brains in that band, but there ain't none of them that's a big enough idiot to sign his name lamb chop. I know. Oh, hello, Joe. Hey, Joe, this Phil Hare. Yeah, Phil Hare, yeah. Who sent that big basket of flowers to Alice Faye today? Who? Thanks, Joe. Alice, honey, why didn't you tell me that it was our anniversary? I thought you knew, Ralph. David, you're the greatest. Who sent the flowers, Ralph? Well, I'm so afraid I'd forget our anniversary again that, well, I ordered them a year ago. Hey, Ralph, you're a metal case. How about the card, Ralph, huh? Well, I know. It was Saturday night, and maybe that's the way I felt when I wrote it. Well, you're nuts, Ralph. You mean? Yeah. Shake hands with a lamb chop. Elliott, what's the best investment a fella can make? That's cinch, Curly. Marry a rich widow. No, no. I mean where you get the most return for your money. Once I thought the answer was Santa Anita, but the... I'm talking about television, Elliott, and the answer is RCA Victor. All right, Mr. Interlocketer, why? All right, you asked me, so I'll tell you. According to independently published reports, RCA Victor 21-inch table model TV outperformed nine other leading makes. Sounds good. You bet it's good. This set rated higher in both distance and nearby reception than all other 21-inch table models tested. I see what you mean. And in the new Master 21 model, you can get this famous 21-inch RCA Victor chassis with the same great picture for as little as $199.95. Well, that makes it the best buy in all television. Is that right, Bill? You said it, Elliott. You can't match the Master 21 for value. Costs only $199.95, yet it gives you all these famous RCA Victor advances. Automatic tuning, golden throat fidelity sound, the automatic magic monitor circuit system. See the new Master 21 at your RCA Victor dealers now. And remember, a factory service contract for expert installation and maintenance is available in almost all TV areas, only to RCA Victor television owners. We're a little late. Thanks and good night, folks. Good night, everybody. In this program transcribed were Dick Regrand, Pinto Colvigg, and Jack Frusson. Part of Julius is played by Walter Teckley. This has been an NBC radio network presentation. What are the secrets of success and happiness? Dr. Norman Vincent Peale tells you on RCA Victor records. In this remarkable record album called The Power of Positive Thinking, Dr. Peale, world-famous minister, writer, psychologist, and broadcaster, narrates his step-by-step formula for your personal and your business success, a formula followed by thousands. Ask your dealer tomorrow for Dr. Norman Vincent Peale's extraordinarily inspiring RCA Victor album, The Power of Positive Thinking. Hear the DuPont radio awards following John Cameron Swayze and the news on the NBC radio network.