 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents, transcribe, the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Jeanine Ruse, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Some people can handle success gracefully, others become obnoxious, but Phil Harris has a way all his own. More about that later, but first a word from RCA Victor. Here's wonderful television news. Just in time for the election telecast, RCA Victor adds a great new set to its line of low-priced quality television. Now, RCA Victor introduces the Crandall. The new Crandall is big picture television. 21-inch RCA Victor television had a new low price. You can actually own the Crandall for as little as $259.95, slightly higher in the far west and south. And the Crandall will bring you clearer pictures on its huge 21-inch picture tube, because like all new RCA Victor television, it has the magic monitor circuit system. The magic monitor acts like an engineer inside your set. It screens out static automatically, steps up power automatically, and automatically ties the clearest picture to the best sound. Visit your dealer tomorrow. See the Crandall. It's brand new. It's RCA Victor's lowest price 21-inch television set. And while at your dealers, be sure to see the entire line of new RCA Victor television. Prices start at only $199.95. Remember, every year more people buy RCA Victor than any other television. And when you select RCA Victor television, buy an RCA Victor factory service contract for expert installation and service. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Phil made his television debut this year. He's appeared on a few shows and has been quite successful. However, NBC made the mistake of telling him so. This has gone to our big hero's little head, which has made him very difficult to live with. If you'd like to know just how difficult, let's look in on the Harris household. Alice is talking to her brother, William. Willie, I'm not going to take any more of this. Who does Phil think he is? Just because he's had a little success in television, it's gone to his head. He's nothing but a big conceited egotistical ham. Ain't it the truth? Unfortunately, he looked good on TV. He was very photogenic. Oh, I know. I know. But why did everybody have to tell him that? Now he goes around posing all over the place. Every time he passes a mirror, he blows himself a kiss. He's such a wonderful, so marvelous, so gorgeous, so divine. And I'm all mine. I am the love. Oh, good morning, Alice. Well, if it isn't Miss Rheingold of 1952... Don't laugh, my dear. I'm the first 90-proof man to be selected for that honor. Now, look, Phil, I want to... What are you wearing? Oh, this? Oh, that's my new leopard skin robe, paisley scarf, and indoor beret. You see, it's the newest television glamour boy outfit. I got the idea from Liberace. Philip, you've got to stop acting like this. Ever since you've been on television, you're full of affectations. What affectations? TV hasn't changed me at all. I'm the same guy I've always been and I don't want to hear no more about it. Alice. What? Have you seen my ballet slippers? Ballet slippers? Oh, Phil, I've heard enough. You're acting like a primadonna. Who do you think you are? Alice, I don't like to say this, but you're forcing me to. I'm the new sensation of TV. Now, this is just not my opinion, but I've received thousands of telephone calls, letters and telegrams raving about me. And I might add that most of them were from members of the opposite sex. You mean women? No, mud hands. Of course I mean women. I get letters from girls all over the country, and you should hear the way they rave about me. They like you? Like me? Let's face it, kid. I'm the greatest thing that's happened to the American working girls since the ten minute rest period. Now look, Phil, I don't want to say that. Look, enough of this talk, enough chatter. I'm ready to dine. Set the table up in front of the fireplace, and I'll dine by candlelight. I want chilled champagne, caviar, and pheasant under glass. Champagne, caviar, and pheasant? Phil, this is your breakfast. Oh. Well, in that case pour the champagne in a Wheaties bowl. Please come down to Earth and take off that silly leopard skin robe. I will not. This leopard skin robe is a beautiful garment, and I'll get that. Hiya, Curly. Oh, you poor man. You look awful. You ought to get right in bed, pull down the shades, and don't scratch. Look, don't tell me not to scratch. I'm a big man. If I want to scratch, I'll scratch. What do you mean I look awful? I think I look very attractive in my leopard skin robe. Is that what it is? I thought you had king-sized measles. How droll. Come on inside. Hey, Curly, what did you call me over for? You said you wanted to talk... Hello, Elliot. Hi, Alan. Did you see my last TV appearance? I sure did, and I got to admit one thing, Curly. You certainly look different on television. You look much younger. That's because I've been taking care of myself. You have to look good in this new medium. You certainly do. It's amazing. You look better in person, too. You can't see the wrinkles in your face anymore. Let me look closer. Don't touch it. You'll crack the putty. It ain't putty. He's right, Alice. It ain't putty. He filled the cracks in with strips of bacon rind. Matches his complexion much better. All right. Don't get comical, you two. My wrinkles are gone because I've been taking care of myself. Now, do you notice anything else that's different about my face? Well, let me see. Yeah. Your double chin. It's gone. How'd you get rid of that? That's a trade secret. Let me see if there's anything else different about you. What? Wait a minute. What's this lump in back of your neck? Well, as long as you've seen it, it's my other chin. I had it pushed back there out of camera range. That's clever. Makes you look a little round-shouldered, but hey, your figure looks better, too. You used to have a little pot tummy. Where is it? Sit around, Phil, and show him your bustle. All right. Why don't you people stop? There's nothing wrong with a man trying to improve his appearance. After all, with millions of people watching me every... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look, Curly, you called me and you told me you wanted to see me. What did you call me over here for? I'll tell you in due time. I have an announcement to make to you, Willie, Alice, and Julius. Soon as Julius gets here, I'll tell you. Well, what kind of announcement? I said you'll find out. All I can say is I'm going to do something that will make you all very happy. You're moving back to the Indian reservation? No. You're going to cut your vocal cords? No. I'll tell you when Julius gets here. In the meantime, I shall keep you entertained. Oh, he's going to do his ballet, Dad. He's going to do his ballet. I'm going to sing. And I hope you appreciate a big TV star like me singing for you. Or nothing. Oh, we wouldn't expect you to do that. I'll tell you what, you start singing and we'll all throw pennies at you. Let's aim for his mouth. Maybe that'll slow him down. Possibilities. Possibilities. We're living in a world that's full of possibilities. Ain't no miracle too impossible for anyone that sees the possibilities. If you recall your history, then you will find that all its famous men turned out to be the kind of men who never stopped to look behind. They looked ahead to see what they could see and they saw possibilities. Possibilities. They never overlooked a single possibility. Prove it naturally. Opportunity is for the one who sees the possibilities. Each time you try to solve a new phenomenon, the skeptics say it's just a dream I know. But after you're a hero and the job is done, then you can tell them all I told you so. Yes, there are possibilities. Possibilities. If you will only make the most of your facilities, folks will idolize. Even eulogize the little guy that sees the possibilities. When Christopher Columbus proved the world was round, he called Queen Isabelle on his return. She said, now tell me, Chris, about this place you found. He said, well, Belle, as far as I'm concerned, it sure got possibilities. Possibilities. I tell you, Queen, I've never seen such possibilities. And I really feel we should make a deal before somebody sees its possibilities. When little Abe was growing up in Illinois, to be a big success was his intent. He studied so much harder than the other boys, till one day he became our president. He saw the possibilities. Possibilities. He never overlooked a single possibility, proven naturally. Opportunity is for the one who sees the possibilities. I guess by now there ain't no doubt about the point I'm bringing out. So if you'll open up your eyes, you are bound to recognize the possibilities. Possibilities. We're living in a world that's full of possibilities. Ain't no miracle too impossible for anyone who sees the possibilities. You can understand why I'm such a hit on television. Oh, yes, darling. Seeing you as well as hearing you is an experience that can't be matched. Isn't it, Elliot? Heavens, yes. This is the most thrilling thing that's happened to me since my gallstone attack. Of course, that was more exciting, but this was more painful. What do you know? Being a man, you wouldn't appreciate my particular type of charm. You see, I appeal to the girls. The lovely sex. They're running after me already, and I guarantee the two more television appearances, and every woman in the country will be leaving her husband. And I'll be the first. Forget all these other women. Remember, you're married to me. Oh, that. I'm glad you mentioned that. Look, Alice, being a matinee idol, it shouldn't be known that I'm married. So you and the children will have to go underground. Not for long, just a year or two. Look, honey, I can't help it if women find me irresistible. I don't know what I've got. Perhaps it's the twinkle in my eye. Or the dimple in my cheek. Or the cleft in my chin. Or the soft spot in your head. Oh, it's you. How'd you get in here, Julius? I didn't hear you come in. I was very quiet. I was bringing the eggs you ordered, and when I entered, you were in the middle of your song, so I took off my shoes and tippy-toed in, so as not to miss one glorious note. Julius, you've been very sweet to me. Why? What's come over you? You're not fresh today. Neither are the eggs. You'd better be nice to the customer. Look, you'd better be nice to Mr. Harris from now on. You're a big television personality. Yeah, I know. My whole family saw me on that big show for the opening of the NBC television studio. Oh, how'd they like me, kid? Well, we watched you for a few minutes, and then Mom and Pop got into a big argument. About me? No, no, no. About the set. They'd often pop one of the toilet in. I don't have to take that from a rotten egg deliverer. Maybe you don't like my performance, but how'd you like the way I look? Damn, I must say you surprised me. My face came on the screen. The set seemed to light up. Then I started to smoke, then the tube blew out. I'm sorry, I ask you to come over here, Julius. I have some good news for everybody, but I've got a good mind not to enclose you. What is this good news you have for all of us? I'm coming to that. I have a little speech prepared. Now hear this. Now hear this. My friends, as you all know, I am now one of the greatest stars in the history of the entertainment field. But, even though I'm a big man, I want you to know that I have not forgotten you, the little people. No man is so great that he can do without the little people. I want you to know that as I climb higher and higher, I am taking you little people with me. What do you say to that? On behalf of my fellow pygmies, I thank you. I knew you would appreciate it. Oh, Wonga, you're so good to us jungle people. All hail to Phantom, ghost who walks. Now that I'm a big man, I'm giving each and every one of you a good job. Willie will be my bookkeeper. Alice, you'll be my social secretary. Elliot, you'll be my valet. And Julius, I want you to be at my side wherever I go. What for? In case I come to a mud puddle, I want you to lie down so I can walk over you. Oh, God! You want us to be your slaves? Oh, you've got a lot of... Don't try to thank me, miss. You've earned it. Just keep your pencils sharpened and we'll get along splendidly. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must go upstairs and call the artist. He's got to come over tomorrow. Artist? Curly, you're not going to have your portrait done in oil, are you? Of course not. I'm going to have my profile tattooed on each of your stomachs. And now everyone to your posts. All right, snap to it. Look alive, everybody. Let's get with it. Let's go. I'll see you later. Oh, no! That guy's right for the squirrel squad. I think the conceded jerk ought to be taken down a peg or two. Yeah, just because he's being seen on television, he thinks every woman in the country's crazy about him. Hey, wait a minute. Suppose his being seen by these women got him in the trouble? What do you mean? Suppose some of his ex-wives were to show up. What ex-wives? The ones we're going to hire. Oh. We're going to hire a couple of women who'll pretend he was married to him years ago and deserted them. And they didn't know where he was until they saw him on television. That'll never wake. Why not? We're enough to admit she's married to him. I know where we can get a couple of old crows. They'll be glad to come in and make believe they're his ex-wives. I'll call them now. Now, fellas, please, fellas, please. This is a dirty trick you're playing on, Phil. And I won't stand here and listen to it. So I'll go upstairs while you call the old crows. Elliot, when will those women be here? They'll be here any minute. I briefed them and told them just what to say. This should bring Phil back to normal. I was hoping for something better than that. I am so wonderful. Oh, I did that. Well, here I am. I just had a very refreshing nap. And how have things been going with you little people? Have you been busy at your appointed tasks? Oh, yes, master. While you were sleeping, the doorbell's been ringing every minute. Oh, women, no doubt. Have they been very persistent? Yes, Your Majesty. One in particular wouldn't go away. She insisted on seeing you, but I knew you didn't want to be disturbed, so I took care of it. What'd you do? I had her beheaded. Look, Julius... Phil, I'm a little frightened. With all these women throwing themselves at you, I'm afraid you're going to forget little old me. He won't have any time for me. Nonsense, darling. I'll make time for you. Shall we say every other Thursday between three and three thousand? Tennative, of course. If it's raining, I shall go duck hunting instead. Can I go along as a decoy? That depends. Let me hear you honk. If you've got the right tone, I might be able to... Hark! The doorbell! We'll soon see. I will answer it, Master. Ah, there goes a wonderful man servant. Best doorbell answer I ever had. I may pension him a... Fire? This lady wishes to see you. Come in, my dear. How do you do? I'm big! I'm big! Who's she talking to? I'm talking to you, dear. You're mistaken, lady. My name is Phil Harris. Oh, that's just the name you took for the stage. When I first met you, you were just plain, abing, finkled for it. Wait a minute, the Irving I'll take, but I ain't gonna go for no finkled for it. Look, lady, I don't know who you are. I never saw you before. What wife? I've never been married to you. I couldn't have... Some of them nights were kind of hazy. Ah, lady, I drank that much. How could you do this to me? You never told me you were married before. But, honey... I'm his present wife, Alice Finkelford. Now, take no attention to that thing. Leave her alone. I'm not married to her. Lady, tell her I'm not your husband. Go on, tell her I'm not your husband. All right. You're not my husband. Morrison Seymour. He looks just like you. I don't care what he... He does? Lucky little devil. Look, lady, what are you trying to do to me? 18 years ago. And if I hadn't seen you on television... Fully for television. Look, I don't know who that what this is all about. Believe me, I never come in. You know, there's only one woman I love. Only one woman I'm married to. That's Teller Waldo. Some other time, lady. I'm busy. I'm waiting for you anyway. Well, I'm your wife, Sadie. I'd know Waldo sits bath anyplace. I'd love to hear you say that with her teeth. It'd be like getting hit with a 12-gauge shotgun. Those sits bath an orgy fickle foot. What are you getting them hunky name? Oh, Waldo, we were so happy together. Why did you ever leave me? Why? I don't know. Just lucky, I guess. I'm mad to leave a doll like old, okay? I'm not your husband. I don't blame you for trying it, but I'm not Waldo. I mean, I'm feeling it. Who me with that dyed job? Dye job. You had the whites of your eyes dyed red. I'm a natural red eye. Waldo, it's so good to see you. And to think if I hadn't been watching that television show, I never would have found you. Does everybody watch television? Don't nobody play canasta anymore? Come on, Waldo, I'll take you home with me. He does not. Waldo belongs to me. I don't belong to neither one of you, and I'm not leaving here. Well, who you for desertion? Wait a minute, you can't drag me into court. How am I going to explain this to my wife? Well, Alice, I suppose you're going to leave me now, too, huh? Of course not, Phil. I wouldn't think of leaving you until I find out who gets you, Zelda or Sadie. Cut it out, will you? Why do those dames pick on me? They probably couldn't help themselves, dear. You're so irresistible on television. There'll be a lot more women coming around from now on. Oh, no, there won't. Because I ain't going to be irresistible anymore. I'll find some way to lose my attraction for the opposite sex. It ain't going to be easy, but I'll find... From now on, I'm not going to pretty myself up. I'm just going to be normal. Well, you'll have to prove it to me. I will, and I'll do it right now. Get in back of me and start pushing. Pushin' what? My stomach. I'm going to push it back and front where it belongs. Back in just a moment. On November 4th, you'll be able to see the most complete election coverage offered in the history of television. Now, that's something you don't want to miss. So visit your RCA Victor dealer tomorrow and buy a new RCA Victor television set. You'll see clearer, stronger pictures thanks to RCA Victor's exclusive magic monitor circuit system. The magic monitor screens out static automatically, steps up power automatically, and automatically ties the clearest picture to the best sound. And it's built into every new RCA Victor set, into the Lindale, for example. The Lindale is a handsome console with half doors that open on big 21-inch television. Yes, for a clearer picture of the election, select RCA Victor's 21-inch Lindale console. And remember, for the ultimate in television reception, city or country, ask about RCA Victor television deluxe at your dealers tomorrow. We're a little late, so thanks and good night, everyone. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribe were Olivia Aulman and Margie List. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. RCA Victor's new 6-in-1 children's albums are six times as much fun for the youngsters. They get a 45 or 278 record with adventures of their favorites, like Donald Duck and Captain Video. They get the story to read, pictures to color, punch out puppets of the story's characters so they can act out the show, and membership in the Little Nipper Club. Surprise your youngsters with an RCA Victor 6-in-1 children's album, only a dollar and five cents, at your dealers now. Tonight, Theatre Guild on the Air presents Seagull Cry on NBC.