 Book 6 Chapter 11 of The Heavenly Twins This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Heavenly Twins by Sarah G. Chapter 11 I went abroad that year for my holiday, but spent the last week of it in London on my way home. All the vapors of sentimentality had disappeared by that time. My nerves had been braced in the elves. My mind had been calmed and refreshed by the warm blue Mediterranean. My sense of comparison emphasized in Egypt, where I perceived new the law of mutability, the inevitable law, by the decree of which the human race is eternal. While we, its constituent atoms, have but a moment of intensity to blaze and burn out perishable life in permanent matter, are we with a limit that may be prolonged in idea by such circumstances as we can dwell on with delight, one loveless day being longer in the record than whole monotonous years? It is good to live and love, but if we possess the burden of life unrelieved by the blessing of love or the hope of it, well, why despair? Man is matter animated by a series of emotions, the majority of which are pleasurable. Disappointment ends like success, and the futile dust of nations offers itself in evidence of the vanity of all attributes except wisdom. The wisdom that teaches us to accept the inevitable silently and endure our moment with equally on demonstrative acquiescence, whether it comes full-frag with the luxury of living, or only brings us that which causes us to contemplative necessity and without shrinking the crowning dignity of death. I had come back for work, and could have cheerfully dispensed with that week's delay in London, but I had promised it to an old friend in failing health, whom I would not disappoint. The people at Morn, the Kilroy's, the Hamilton Welles's, the Cahoons, all my circle of intimate friends had fallen into the background of my recollection during my tour abroad, but now again, when I found myself so near them, the old habitual interests began to be dominant. I had sent notes to apologize for not wishing them good-bye before my sudden departure, but I had not written to any of them or heard from them during my absence, and did not know where they might all be at the moment. And I was just wondering one night as I walked toward Piccadilly from the direction of the Strand, I was just wondering if they were all as I had left them, if the Civil War, as Angelica called it, was being waged as actively as ever between herself and Avadne upon the all-important point, and that made me think of Avadne herself. I had banished her name from my mind for weeks, but now some inexplicable trick of the brain suddenly set her before me, as I often saw her, sitting at work in the wide west window overlooking the road, and glancing up brightly at the sound of my horse's hoofs or carriage wheels as I rode or drove past to salute me. A lady might wait and watch so at accustomed hours for her lover, but he would stop, and she would open the window and lean out with a flower in her hand for him, and perhaps she would kiss it before she tossed it to him, and he would catch it and go on his way rejoicing, a pretty political dream and easy fulfillment, if only one could find the lady, suitably, circumstance. I had arrived at Piccadilly Circus by this time, at the turn into Regent Street where the omnibus stopped, and was delayed for a moment or two by the casual crowd of loiterers and people struggling for places, and by those who were alighting from the various vehicles, not being in any hurry myself. It amused me to observe the turmoil, the play of human emotion which appeared distinctly on the faces of those who approached me, and were lost to sight again as soon as seen in the eddy and whirl of the crowd. There was temper here, and tenderness there. This person was steadily bent on business, that on pleasure, and one fussy little man escorting his family somewhere was making the former of the latter. There were two young lovers alone with their love so far as any outward consciousness of the crowd was concerned, and there was a young wife silent and sad, beside a neglectful elderly husband. It was the buses from the west end I was watching. One had just moved off toward the Strand, and another pulled up in its place, and the people began to alight. A fat man, first in a frenzy of haste, a sallow priest whose soul seemed to be sicken at the sight of the seething mass of humanity, amongst which he found himself, for he hesitated, perceptibly, on the step, like a child in a bathing machine who shrinks from the water before he descended and was engulfed in the crowd. A musician with his instrument in a case, two fat women talking to each other, a little cockney work girl, and her young man, and then a lady. There could be no mistake about her social status. The conductor, standing by the staff, recognized it at once, and held out his arm to assist her. The gaslight flared full upon her face, the expression of which was somewhat set. She bore no veil, and if she did not court observation, she certainly did not shun it. She was quietly but richly dressed, and had once seen her there on foot in the morning. One would have surmised that she was out shopping, and looked for the carriage which would probably have been following her, but a lady, striking in appearance and of distinguished bearing, alighting composately from an omnibus at Piccadilly Circus between nine and ten at night, and calmly taking her way alone up Regent Street, was a sight which would have struck one as being anomalous even if she had been a stranger. But this lady was no stranger to me. I should have recognized her figure and carriage had her countenance been concealed. I had turned hot and cold at the first foreshadowing of her presence, and would feign have found myself mistaken, but there was no possibility of a doubt. She passed me without haste, and so that I could have laid my hand upon her shoulder, but I let her go in sheer astonishment. What, in the name of all that is inexplicable, was Evadney doing there alone at that time of night? Such a proceeding was hardly decent. Whatever her excuse, and it was certainly not safe. This last reflection aroused me, and I started instantly to follow her, intending to overtake her, and impose my escort upon her. She was out of sight, because she had turned the corner, but she could not have gone far. And I hurried along after her, nearly upsetting a man who met me face to face as I doubled into Regent Street. It was Colonel Kahun himself, in a joyful mood evidently, and for once I could have blessed his blinding potations. He recognized me, but had apparently passed Evadney. Ah, me boy, you here? He exclaimed, with an assumption of facetious banhami, particularly distasteful to me. All the world lives in London, I think. It's where you'll always come across anyone you want. Sly dog, following a lady. I'll be bound by Job. I wouldn't have thought it of you, Galbraith, but you'll not find anything choice in Regent Street. Come with me, and I'll introduce you. Excuse me? I interrupted, and hurried away from the brute. How had he missed Evadney? Perhaps he was looking the other way. But what a position for her to be in. Supposing he had recognized her, my being so close would have made it none the better for her. And could I be sure that he had not seen her? I did not think he was the kind of man with all his faults, to lay a trap even for an enemy whom he suspected, but still one never knows. Evadney was far ahead by this time, but the places of amusement were still open, and therefore there were few people in Regent Street. It is not particularly well-lighted, but I was soon near enough to make her out by her graceful dignified carriage, which contrasted markedly with that of every other woman and girl I saw. In any other place, her bearing would have struck me as that of a person accustomed to consideration, even if I had not known her. But here, judging by the confident way she held her head up, I should have been inclined to set her down either as a most abandoned person or as one who was quite unconscious of anything peculiar in her present proceedings. In another respect, too, she was very unlike the women and girls who were loitering about the street, peering up anxiously into the face of every man they met. Evadney seemed to see no one and passed on her way, superbly indifferent to any attention she might be attracting. The distance between us had lessened considerably, and I could now have overtaken her easily, but I hesitated. I could not decide whether it would be better to join her or merely to keep her in sight for her own safety. I was inclined to blame her severely for her recklessness. She had already passed her husband and might meet half the depot or be recognized by heaven knows who, before she got to the top of the street and, as it was, she was attracting considerable attention. Scarcely a man met her who did not turn when he had passed and look after her, and any one of these might be an acquaintance. My impulse had been to insist upon her getting into a handsome and allowing me to see her safe home, but it had occurred to me upon reflection that I might compromise her more fatally by being seen with her under such circumstances than could happen if she went alone. While I hesitated, a tall thin man with a grey beard whom I thought I recognized from photographs seen in shop windows met her, stared hard as he passed, stood a minute looking after her and then turned and followed her. If he were the man I took him to be, he would probably know her, and my first impression was that he did so and had recognized her. And then, like myself, too astonished to speak. If so, he quickly recovered himself and, as he evidently intended to address her now, I was half inclined to resign my responsibility to him. Then I thought that if I joined her also nothing could be said. Two men of known repute may escort a lady anywhere and at any time. I quickened my steps, but purposely let him speak first. Coming up with her from behind, he began in a tone which was more caressing than respectful. It is a fine night, he said. Evanny started visibly, looked at him, and shrank two steps away, but she answered. In a voice which I could hardly recognize as hers, it was so high and strident. I, she called it a chilly night, she said. Well, yes, perhaps, he answered. For the time of the year, are you going for a walk? I, I don't know, she replied, looking doubtfully on ahead. She was walking at a pretty rapid rate as it was, and her elderly interlocutor had some difficulty in keeping up with her. Perhaps if we turned down one of these side streets to the left, it would be quieter, and we could talk, he suggested. I don't think I want either to be quieter to talk, she said, suddenly recovering her natural voice and tone. Well, what do you want, then, he asked. She looked up at him and slackened her speed. Perhaps, since you are so good as to trouble yourself about me at all, she said. I may venture to ask if you will kindly tell me where in London I am. His manner instantly changed. You are in Regent Street, he answered. And that lighted place behind us, where the crowd is. What is that? You must meet in Piccadilly Circus. And if I walk on, what shall I come to? Oxford Street. You don't seem to know London, don't you live here? I do not live in London. You have lost your way, perhaps. Can I direct you anywhere? No, thank you, she answered. I can get into a handsome, you know, when I am tired of this. If I might venture to advise, I should say to do so at once, he rejoined. Slightly raising his hat as he spoke. And then he slipped behind her, and furtively hurried across the street. A considerably perplexed man, I fancied. And judging by the way he peered to right and left as he went, one who was suffering from some sudden dislike to being recognized. Evadney paid his little heed to his departure as she had done to his approach. A few steps farther brought her to a stand of handsome cabs. She hesitated a moment and then got into one. I took the next and directed the driver to follow her, being determined either to see her back to her friends or to interfere if I found that she meant to continue her ramble. Her driver struck into Piccadilly at the next turn and then drove steadily west for about half an hour. By that time we had come to a row of handsome houses at one of which he stopped. And my man stopped also at an intelligent distance behind. But Evadney never looked back. She got out and ascended the steps with the leisurely air peculiar to her. The door was opened as soon as she rang, and she entered. A moment later a footman came out onto the pavement and paid the driver, with whom he exchanged a remark or two. As he returned, the light from the hall streamed out upon him. And I saw, with a sense of relief which made me realize what the previous tension had been, that he wore the Hamilton Wells livery. And then I recognized the Hamilton Wells townhouse. The driver of the now empty, handsome, turned his horse and walked him slowly back in the direction from which he had come. The incident was over. But what did it all mean? The whole thing seemed so purposeless. What had taken her out at all? Was it some jealous freak? Women have confessed to me that they watched their husbands habitually. One said she did it for love of excitement. There was always a risk of being caught. And nothing else ever amused her half so much. Another declared she did it because she could not afford to employ a private detective. And she wanted to have evidence, always ready in case it should suit her to part from her husband at any time. Another said she loved her husband. And it hurt her less to know than to suspect. But I could not really believe that a bad name would do such a thing for any reason, whatever. She was fearlessly upright and honest about her actions. And her self-respect would have restrained her if ever an isolated impulse had impelled her to such a proceeding. But still, will you wait until the late night lady returns, sir? The driver asked at last, peeping down upon me through the trap in the roof. If he had not spoken, I might have sat there half the night puzzling out the problem. Now, however, that he had roused me, I determined to leave it for the present. I remembered my duty to the friend with whom I was staying and hurried back, resolving to go to Evadny herself next day and ask her point blank to explain I believe she would do so for, in all that concerned her own pursuits, the doings of the day. I had always found her almost curiously frank. After this wise determination, I ought to have been philosopher enough to sleep upon the matter, but her ladyships escapade cost me my night's rest and took me to her early next morning. In an angry and irritable mood, I sent up my card and Evadny received me at once in Lady Adeline's Boudoir. This is an unexpected pleasure. She said, How did you know I was in town? I saw you in Regent Street last night. I answered bluntly, What were you doing there yourself? She said, The question took me aback completely and the more so as it was asked with an unmistakable flash of merriment. Answer me my question first, I said. You could have no business out alone in London at that time of night, laying yourself open to insult. I don't recognize your right to question me at all, she answered unabashed. I have the right of any gentle man who does his duty when he sees a lady making a fool of herself. Thanks, she said, laughing. The privilege of protecting a woman, of saving her even in spite of herself from the effects of her own indiscretion, is one of which a man seldom avails himself and I did not understand you at first. Excuse me, but how do you know I could have no business out at that time of night? Do you imagine that you know all my duties in life? I was bewildered by her confidence, by her levity. I may say, but I persisted. I cannot believe that you had any business or duty which necessitated your being in a disreputable heart of London alone late at night, I said. But I hope you will allow me the right of an intimate friend to warn you if you run risks in your ignorance or to re-prove me if I do so with my eyes open. She suggested to ask for an explanation at all events if I do not understand what your motive could be. You are very kind, she said. You want me to excuse myself if I can, otherwise you will be forced to suspect something unjustifiable. That is the literal truth, I answered. She laughed. But you have not answered my question. She said, what were you doing there yourself? I had been dining at the Charing Cross Hotel with a friend who had just returned from India. I told her. And I was walking back to the house of the friend with whom I am staying. He lives in a street off Piccadilly. But what were you doing in Regent Street? Following you. She laughed again. Did you see that old man speak to me? She asked. Yes. Horrid old creature. Is he not? He gave me such a start. Did you recognize him? Yes. I waited for a little. Then she said, it did me good. What? I asked. That start, she replied. It quite rousted me. But now, tell me. I should never have supposed that you had no business anywhere at any time. Why are you not equally charitable? I was silent. Tell me what you think took me there. An unholy curiosity. I blurted out. It was only inspiration which has only just occurred to you. And you cannot entertain the suspicion for a moment. She said, this was true. But, after all, she pursued. What business have you to take me to task like this? It is not a professional matter. I don't know that. I answered, this was another inspiration. And it disconcerted her. For she changed countenance. You have a nice opinion of me. She exclaimed. I have the highest opinion of you. I answered. And nobody knows that better than yourself. But what am I to think when I find you acting without any discretion whatever? Think that I am at the mercy of every wayward impulse. But I know that you are not. I replied. And I am unhappy about you. Will you trust me? Will you explain? Will you let me help you if I can? I am in some trouble at the bottom of this business. Do tell me all about it. Well, I will explain. She said, still laughing. I was driving past and seeing you there. I thought I would horrify you. So I stopped the carriage. You got out of an omnibus. I exclaimed. Well, that was my carriage for the time being. She answered, in no way disconcerted. You did not expect me to own that I was in an omnibus. Do you? I wish you would be serious for a moment. I remonstrated. I wish you would tell me the truth. As I always do tell the truth if I tell anything. I think we had better let the subject drop. She said with a sigh. As if she were tired of it. You mean you cannot tell me? That is what I mean. I reflected for a moment. Does Lady Adeline know that you were out last night? I asked. No, she replied. She was out herself and I returned before she did. Then you have not told her either. She shook her head. I would really rather you confided in her than in me if you can. Thank you, she answered dryly. Can you? I persisted. No, I cannot. Was the positive rejoiner. With my officiousness I said. I venture to hope you would make use of me. But I am afraid I have been forcing my services upon you too persistently. She rose impulsively and held out both hands to me. I wish I could thank you. She said, looking up at me frankly and affectionately. I wish I could tell you how much I appreciate your goodness to me. And all your disinterestedness. I wish I deserved it. She clasped my hands warmly as she spoke. Then dropped them. And instantly I became conscious of an indescribable sense of relief. And prepared to depart at once. But she stopped me again with a word as I opened the door. Dr. Galbraith. She began with another flash of merriment. Tell me, you were horrified now. Were you not? I jammed my head on my head and left her. I did not mean to slam the door, but her levity had annoyed me. I fancied her laughing as I descended the stairs and wondered at her mood. And yet I was reassured by it. She would not have been so merry if there had been anything really wrong. And it was just possible that the half explanation she had given me and withdrawn was the true one. She might have been in an omnibus for once for some quite legitimate reason. And while it waited at Piccadilly Circus, she might have seen me as she had described it and got out in a moment of mischief to astonish me. If that were her object, she had certainly succeeded. And it seemed to me more likely than that she should just have gone and returned for the sake of doing an unusual thing. Which was the only other explanation that occurred to me. I saw Lady Adeline before I left the house and found that Colonel Kahoon was not staying with him. Nor did she seem to know that he had been in town. End of Book 6, Chapter 11 Book 6, Chapter 12 of The Heavenly Twins This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. The Heavenly Twins by Sarah G. Chapter 12 A cruel misfortune robbed me of a near relation at this time and added the rank of Barnett with a considerable increase of fortune to my other responsibilities. The increase of fortune was welcome in one way as it enabled me to enlarge a small private hospital which I had established on my Fountain Towers estate for the benefit of poor patients. Attending to these and to the buildings which were at once put in progress was the one absorbing interest of my life at that time. During the next three months, I only called once on a Vadni and that was a mere formal visit which I felt in duty bound to pay her. I did not drive past the house either oftener than I could help but when I was obliged to go that way I saw her sitting, sewing in her accustomed place and she would smile and bow to me brightly at first but after a time with a wistful, weary expression or I fancied so it was of necessity a hurried glimpse that I had although my horse would slacken his feet of his own accord as we approached the holly hedge that bounded her bower but I began to be uneasily aware of a change in her appearance I might be mistaken but I certainly thought her eyes looked unnaturally large as if her cheeks had fallen away and the little patient face was paler in the early summer when she was well she had been want to flush upon the least occasion but now her color did not vary and I suspected that she was again shedding herself up so much Mrs. Orton Bay was at Frelingay Diabolo was keeping his grandfather company at Morn the Kilroy's were in town the Hamilton Welles' had gone to Egypt and Colonel Kahoon had taken two months leave and gone abroad also so that she had no one near her for whom she had any special regard Colonel Kahoon had called on me before he left and told me he was sure that he would not see a good deal of me during his absence and he wished I would look after her professionally I inferred and of course I was always prepared to do so but so far she had not required my services happily and for the rest well my time was fully occupied and I found it did not suit me to go to as you like it when I noticed the change in her appearance however I began to think I would look in some day just to see how she really was but before I could carry out the half informed intention she came to me it was during my consulting hours and I was sitting at my writing table seeing my patience in rotation when her name was announced she sauntered in her usual leisurely way shook hands with me and then subsided into the EG chair on my right which was placed facing the window for my patience to occupy I have a cold she said and a pain under my right clavicle and the posterior lobe of my brain oh dear I have forgotten it all she broke off laughing how shall I make you understand you are an excellent spirits I observed oh believe me she answered the pleasure of seeing you again enlivened me for a moment but I am really rather down I had been considering her attentively from a professional point of view while she was speaking and saw that this was true the brightness which animated her when she entered faded immediately and then I saw that her face was thin and pale and anxious in expression her eyes wandered somewhat restlessly her attitude betoken weakness she had a little worrying cough and her pulse was unequal what have you been doing with yourself lately I asked turning to my writing table and taking up a pin when I had ascertained this last fact dreaming she said the answer struck me dreaming I repeated to myself she was right dreaming I said what about for example oh the arabian knights the whole thousand and one of them would not be long enough to tell you she replied I think my dreams have lasted longer already are you speaking of daydreams I asked yes you imagine things as you sit at work perhaps whether to my questions or her own answers which was what I wished yes that is my best time while I work I live in a world of my own creating in a beautiful happy dream at least it was so once she added with a sigh I have heard you say you did not care to read fiction you prefer to make your own stories is that the reason I suppose so she said oh no that would be impossible it is in the tones of voices as I hear them in the expression of faces as I see them in the subtle indescribable perception of the significance of events and their intimate relation to each other and influence on the lives of my dream friends that the whole charm lies such impressions are too delicate for reproduction even if I had the mind to try describing them would be as coarse a proceeding as eating a flower after inhaling its perfume did I understand you to say that this is the habit of yours has your inner life been composed of dreams ever since you were a child no she replied I don't think as a child I was at all imaginative I liked to learn and when I was not learning then you have acquired the habit since you grew up yes it came on by degrees I used to think of how things might be different that was the way it began I tried to work out schemes of life in my head as I would do a game of chess not schemes of life for myself you know but such as should save other people from being very miserable I wanted to do some good in the world she paused here to choose her words and that kind of thought naturally resolves itself into action but before the impulse to act came upon me I had made it impossible for myself to do anything so that when it came I was obliged to resist it and then instead of reading and reflecting I took to sewing for a sedative and turned the trick of thinking how things might be different into another channel she was unconsciously telling me a lonely woman gradually losing her mental health from one of active occupation and a wholesome share of the work of the world to take her out of herself to a certain extent then I had been right in my judgment of her character her disposition was practical not contemplative but she had been forced into the latter attitude and the consequence was perhaps well but that I had yet to ascertain and are you happy in your dreams I inquired I was she said but my dreams are not what they used to be how I asked at first they were pleasant she answered when I sat alone at work it was my happiest time I was master of my dreams then and let none but pleasant shapes present themselves intoxicated my imagination ran away with me instead of indulging in a daydream now and then when I liked all my life became absorbed in delicious imaginings whether I would or not working walking driving in church anywhere and at any time when I could be alone a moment I lived in my world apart if people spoke to me real life was a dull thing to offer and the daylight very dim compared with the movement and brightness of the land I lived in while I was master of my dreams then you did not remain master of them always no by degrees they mastered me and now I am their puppet and they are demons that torment me when I awake in the morning I wonder what the haunting thought for the day will be and before I have finished dressing as a rule at first it was not incessant but now the trouble in my head is awful I thought so but she had said enough for the present the confession was ingeniously made and evidently without intention I merely asked a few more questions about her general health and then sent her home to nurse her cold promising to call and see how it was the next day when I opened my case book to make a note of her visit of the symptoms she had described and betrayed I hesitated a moment about the diagnosis and finally decided to write provisionally for my guidance or rather by way of prognosis the one word hysteria end of book 6 chapter 12 book 6 chapter 13 of the heavenly twins this is a Libra Fox recording while Libra Fox recordings are in the public domain please visit LibraBucks.org the heavenly twins by Sarah G chapter 13 next day I found that a bad news cold was decidedly worse and as the weather was severe I ordered her to stay in her own rooms am I going to be ill she asked no I answered she said I am always happy when I am ill such a relief I had heard her use the phrase twice before but it was only now that I saw her meaning physical suffering was evidently a relief from the mental misery and this proved that the trouble was of longer standing than I had at first suspected she had used the same expression I remembered when I first attended her during that severe attack of pneumonia Colonel Cahoon had returned she told me I could not see him that day as he was out next morning however I came earlier on purpose and encountered him in the hall he was not in uniform I was thankful to see for he was very apt to assume his orderly room manners therewith and they were decidedly objectionable to the average civilian whatever military men might think of them as being honors thrust upon you well I congratulate you I am sure sincerely and so far as they are a pleasure to you but I can duel with you from the bottom of my heart for your loss I am afraid Mrs. Cahoon is giving you more trouble now don't say the trouble is a pleasure for I'll not believe a word of it with all you have to occupy you it is no pleasure to see her ill I answered to tell you because I haven't seen her I haven't the entree to her private apartments but come and see my new horse he broke off he was in an exceedingly good humor I got him in Ireland and I'm inclined to think him a beauty but I'd like to have your opinion it's worth having the horse was like Colonel Cahoon himself showy one of those high steppers that put their feet down and over no ground at all to speak of having occupied without compunction in inspecting this animal half an hour of the time he considered too precious to be wasted on his wife Colonel Cahoon summoned Evadne's maid to show me upstairs and cheerfully went his way but that remark of his about the entree to his wife's apartments had made an impression I was in duty bound to follow up any clue present state of mind and here was perhaps a morbid symptom why have you quarreled with your husband I asked him my most of course tone as soon as I was seated and had heard about her cold I have not quarreled with my husband she answered evidently surprised then what does he mean by saying that he hasn't the entree to your private apartments I am sure he may know this was true he had merely mentioned the fact casually and not as a thing that affected his comfort or happiness in any way Colonel Cahoon and I are better friends now if anything then we have ever been she added of her own accord with inquiry in her eyes as if she wanted to know what could have made me think otherwise I should have said myself that they were excellent friends but what precisely did friends mean I sent it something anomalous here however it was not a point that I considered it advisable to pursue I had ascertained that there was no morbid feeling in the matter and that was all that I required to know I only paid her a short visit that morning and did not return for two days but I had been thinking seriously about her case in the interval and carefully prepared to inquire into it particularly and an evident increase of languor and depression gave me a good opening tell me how you are today I began any trouble the worry in my head is awful she exclaimed let me go downstairs I am better there she was essentially a child of light and air and movement requiring sunshine indoors as well as out to keep her in health an Italian proverb says where the sun does not come the doctor does and the medical instinct which had made the west window of the drying room her favorite place nature, animal and vegetable is under an imperative law to seek the sun and she had unconsciously obeyed it for her own good but she required more than that transient gleam in the western window a sun bath daily when it could be had is what I should have prescribed for her and from her next remark I judged that she had discovered which the deprivation of light was doing her I can see the sun all day long beyond the shadow of the house she continued but I want to feel it too I would like it to shine on me in the early morning and wake me up and warm me there is no heat so grateful and I only feel half alive in these dark, damp rooms I never had bronchitis or was delicate at all in any way until we came here and she said well, as your cold is so much better you may go downstairs if you like but you mustn't go out I answered how are you going to amuse yourself oh, she looked around the room as if in search of something I don't know exactly work, I suppose you don't read much? no, not now she answered leaning forward with her hands clasped on her lap dude, you have plenty of books here she looked toward the well-filled cases yes, she said old friends I seldom open any of them now do you never feel that they reproach you for losing interest in them she smiled I think perhaps they are relieved because I have ceased from troubling them from requiring more of them then they could give me she answered smothering a sigh I asked anticipating her permission by rising and going toward them yes, certainly she answered rising herself and following me languidly the books were arranged in groups science, history, biography, travels poetry, fiction with bound volumes of such periodicals as the contemporary review the 19th century and the Westminster I read the titles of the volumes in the science divisions with surprise for she had never betrayed nor had I ever suspected that she had added the incident of learning to the accident of brains but if she knew the contents of but half of these books well she must be a highly educated woman I took out several to see how they had been read and found them all carefully annotated with marginal notes very clearly written and containing apposite quotations from and references to the best authorities on the various subjects this was especially the case with books on the natural sciences the physical ones having apparently interested her less these are not very elegant books for a ladies bourgeois she said referring to the plain dark bindings I dislike gorgeously bound books and could never make a pet of one they are like overdressed people all one's care is concentrated upon their appearance and their real worth of character if they have any escapes one were you ever an omnivorous reader I asked no I'm thankful to say she answered her natural aptitude for intellectual pursuits overcoming her artificial objection to them as she looked at her books and became interested in them in spite of herself for I noticed that the average reader much remembers little and is absurdly inaccurate it is as bad to read everything as to eat everything the mind, when it is gorged with a surfeit of subjects retains none of them she had a fairly representative collection of French, Italian German books all equally well read and annotated each in its own language the French and Italian being excellent but the German imperfect although as she told me she liked both the language and the literature very much the best of the three German suggested ideas to me she said and that is why I paid less attention to the construction of the language I think but I am afraid you will find no elegancies in any tongue I use for language has always been to me a vehicle of thought and not a part of art to be employed with striking effect now here is Carlisle who admired him more than I loved him but his books are excellent for intellectual exercise he forced those phrases from his brain with infinite pains and when you take them collectively you find yourself obliged to force them into yours in like manner she had become all interest in animation by this time and I had never known her so delightful as she was that morning while showing me her books she had no objection to lending me although I told her that I only wanted them to read her notes I took a variety but found no morbid tendency in any remark she had made upon them I paid my visit late in the afternoon next day and found a bad knee in the drawing room she was standing in the window when I entered but came down the room to greet me I have been watching for you she said I hoped you would come early and I have also been watching come and see them I believe they belong to us they must have escaped from the yard but aren't they enjoying the ramble that old Drake is quite puffed up with excitement and importance he goes along nodding his head and saying again and again to the ducks now didn't I tell you so and aren't you glad you took my advice and came and all the ducks are smiling and complimenting him upon his wisdom and back but I haven't the heart to spoil their pleasure just yet by informing against them I was standing beside her in the window now and she looked up at me smiling as she spoke she was brighter under the immediate influence even of the watery winter sun now a red ball glowing behind the brown branches of the leafless trees then she had been in her gloomy north room and I took this lively interest in the adventurous ducks with a healthy mind seeing character in all things animate and gifted with sympathy as well as insight which must naturally have been hers when am I to go out she asked I begin to long for a sight of my fellow creatures I don't want to speak to them I only want to see them but I am sociable to that extent when I am in my right mind tell me about this mental malady I begged she began but with a touch of bitterness I interest you now I am a case you do not flatter me but I mean to give you every help in my power if only you could cure me she clasped her hands and held them out to me the gesture of an instant but full of earnest entreaty come from the window I said it is chilly here yes come to the fire she rejoined leading the way and be cozy you want me to talk about myself and I will if I can I was happy just now but you see I am depressed in a moment it is misery to me to be so variable and I constantly feel as if I wanted something to be somewhere or to have something I don't know where or what it is a sort of general dissatisfaction but it is all the worst for not being positive if I knew what I wanted I should be cured by the effort she rang the bell and began to make up the fire and I sat down and watched her because she liked to do those things in her own house strangers wait upon me she said but my friends allow me to wait upon them when the servant had brought tea and retired she began again now question me she said I am sure you will tell me the truth I asserted I am sure I shall try she replied if you provoke me I shall fence with you if you confuse me I shall unwittingly say yes when I mean no in fact I am surprised to find myself confiding this trouble to you at all it has come about by accident but I am very glad it is such a relief to speak but how has it come about she broke off did you suspect suspect what that I am insane she left my words or manner amused her I remember now she said I complained of the worry in my head and then you questioned me it is not an uncommon complaint I rejoined is it not she answered well I don't know whether to be sorry for the other sufferers or relieved to think that I am not the only one which is what you intend I believe but doctor the misery is terrible it drives me fills my mind with such dreadful ideas I have actually meditated murder lately murder in the abstract I suppose no, murder actually murder for my own benefit or what I fancy in that mood would be for my benefit the murder of one poor miserable creature whom I pity with all my heart and really care for when I am in my right mind my heart sank it was not necessary for me to know the inclination to ask who the one poor miserable creature was and when the impulse is on you what do you do I said it is not an impulse exactly she answered at least it is nothing which I have ever had the slightest inclination to act upon I am just possessed by the idea whatever it may be and then I cannot sit still I have to rush out I suggested her last remark having thrown a sudden sidelight upon that occurrence yes she said but I didn't know I was going to Regent Street I had read of Dickens prowling about the streets of London late at night when he was suffering from the effects of overwork and recovering his tranquility and power in that way and I thought I would try the experiment so I went out and just walked on and then I got into an omni bus so as to be with the people and when it stopped and they all got out I got out too and walked on again and then that horrid old man spoke to me it was a great shock but it had the happiest effect I woke up as it were the moment I got rid of him and felt quite myself again and then I hurried back well in one way perhaps you are right but still it did me good she stopped and looked into the fire thoughtfully and then she smiled forgive me do she said I know I behaved badly next day I could not help it the sudden relief to my mind had sent my spirits up inordinately for one thing and then your face your consternation was really comical probably in your estimation of the value of your own opinion of people you could not have cared more but I am sorry very very sorry she added with feeling that you should have lost your respect for me what could make you think that I had lost my respect for you I asked in surprise because you know you have never come to see me since as you used to do she looked at me a moment wistfully and I knew she half expected me to explain or make some excuse but I could not unfortunately do either without making bad words I could assure her however honestly that I had not lost my respect for her and I came to see you when you required me I added but she was not satisfied I know your philanthropy she said but I would rather have you come like and respect me I value your friendship and it pains me to find that you can only treat me now like any other suffering sinner is it going to be so always will the child kill me with her innocent talk she had not alluded to the discontinuance of my visits before I thought she had not missed me and being in a double mood had been somewhat hurt by the seeming indifference although I would not have had I could not come now however I was greatly distressed to find the construction she had put upon my absence and all the more so because I could not explain do not say that I exclaimed you have always had you always will have my most sincere respect it is part of an unhealthy state of mind which makes you doubt the attachment of your friends she was glad to accept this assertion I know the symptoms but I had forgotten for the moment thank you I am so glad to see you again she sighed leaned back in her chair folded her hands on her lap and looked at me if only as a doctor she added slowly you have some mysterious power over my mind all great doctors have the power I mean I wonder what it is you dispel the worry in my head without a word by just being here however bad it is I used to long for you so on those days when you never came and I used to watch for you and be disappointed when you drove past but then I always said he will come tomorrow and that was something to look forward to I used to think at first you would get over my escapade or learn to take another view of it but then I got tired and hope and that is how it was I broke down I think this guileless confidence affected me painfully but I want to discover the secret of a great doctor's success she pursued what is your charm there is something mesmeric about you I think something inimical to disease at all events there is healing in your touch knowledge I suppose has nothing to do with it I suggested smiling no nothing she answered emphatically I have carried out directions of yours successfully which had been previously given to me by another doctor and tried by me without effect you altered the attitude of one's mind somehow that is how you do it I believe well I hope to alter the present attitude of your mind and to resume I want you to tell me how you feel when one of those tormenting thoughts has passed do you suffer remorse for having entertained it only an occasional pain she said I do not allow myself to sorrow or suffer for thoughts which I cannot control I am suffering from a morbid state of mind and it is my duty to fight against the impulses which it engenders but my responsibility begins and ends with the struggle and I am quite sure that it is wiser to try and forget that such ideas ever were than to encourage them to haunt me by recollecting them even for purposes of an attentional remorse and when it is not a criminal impulse that affects you criminal she ejaculated a gas at the word I had used it on purpose to see its effect upon her and was satisfied the moral consciousness was still intact yes I persisted but when it is not an impulse of that kind what is it that disturbs your mind thoughts of the suffering the awful needless suffering that there is in the world the perception of it is a spur which goads me at times so that I feel as if I could do almost anything to lessen the sum of it but then you see my hands are tied so that all I can do is think think think we must change that to work work work I said it is too late she answered despondently body and mind have suffered mind and body all that is not wrong in me is weak I would have it otherwise yes but give me some anodyne what can you do for me now I will give you no anodyne either actual or figurative I answered rising to go if you had no recuperative force left in you there would be less energy in your despair it rests with yourself now entirely to be as healthy minded as ever again if you like I never could remember whether I said goodbye to her that day or just walked out of the room with the forgetful bore I sometimes am with the words on my lips end of book 6 end of book 6 chapter 13 book 6 chapter 14 of the heavenly twins this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org the heavenly twins by Sarah G chapter 14 a medical man who does not keep his moral responsibility before him in the consideration of a case must be a very indifferent practitioner and with regard to Abadney I felt mine to such an extent that before the interview was over I had decided that I was not the proper person to treat her I doubted my judgment for one thing which showed that for once my nerve was at fault and I had other reasons which it is not necessary to give I therefore determined to run up to town to consult Sir Shadwell Rock about her he was a distinguished colleague and personal friend of mine a man of vast experience and many years my senior and I knew that if he would treat her she could not be in better hands when I left as you like it I found that I had just time to drive to Morning Quest and catch the last train to town it was a four hours journey but fortunately there was a train in the early morning which would bring me back in time for my own work I knew Sir Shadwell was in town and telegraphed to him to beg him to see me that night at half past eleven if he possibly could and on arriving I found him at home very much at home indeed in a smoking jacket and slippers over a big fire in his own private sanctum enjoying his bachelor ease with a cigarette and the last shilling shocker I apologize for my untimely visit but he put me at my ease at once by cordially assuring me that I had done him a favor I was going to a boring big dinner this evening when your telegram arrived and your coming in this way suggested something sufficiently important to detain me so I sent an excuse and have had a wholesome chop and a real good time he added confidentially tapping the novel at extraordinary production this really most entertaining I can't guess who did it you know I can't indeed but my dear boy to what do I owe the pleasure what can I do for you first of all give me a wholesome chop if you have another in the house for I am famishing oh a thousand pardons for my remissness he exclaimed ringing the bell vehemently of course you haven't dined I ought to have thought of that something very important I suppose a most interesting case mental? yes a lady well not another word until something to eat suitable surroundings play an important part in the discussion of such cases and suitable times and seasons also just before dinner one isn't sanguine and just after one is too much so when you have eaten take time to reflect and a cigarette if you are a smoker he had been holding his book in his hand all the time but now he pottered to a side table with an old man's stiffness peeped at the paragraph he had been reading marked his place with a paper cutter and muttered very strange for if she didn't steal the jewels who did mustn't dip though spoils it he put the book down and returned to me taking off his spectacles as he came and smoothing his thick white hair now don't say a word if you've read it he cautioned me with a grudge who tells me the plot of a story I'm interested in but let me see what was I saying oh take time that was it there is nothing like letting yourself settle if you are at all perplexed when the memory is crowded with details the mind becomes muddy and you must let it clear itself that is the secret of my own success in any difficulty I have always waited don't try to think much better dismiss the matter from your mind altogether make yourself comfortable in the easiest chair in the room get a rousing book the subject is of no importance so long as it interests you and in half an hour if the physical well-being is satisfactory you will find the mental tension gradually relax your ideas begin to flow your judgment becomes clear and you suddenly see for yourself in a way that astonishes you then pray oblige me by resuming your seat and cigarette I answered and let me transfer my difficulty to you while the moment lasts your moment when you have dined he said good humoredly I won't hear a word while you are famishing tell me how you are yourself and what you are doing my dear boy it is really a pleasure to see you why aren't you married now really do you expect me to answer such an important question is that with my mind in its present muddy condition I retorted upon him my many reasons are all rioting in my recollection and I can't see one clearly the old gentleman smiled and set patting the arms of his chair for a little you are looking fagged he remarked presently work won't hurt you dinner was brought to me on a tray at this instant and the dear old man got up to see that it was properly served he tried the champagne himself to be sure it was right and gave careful directions about the coffee his interest in everything was as fresh as a boy's and nothing he could do in the way of kindness was ever a trouble to him you have been coming out strong in defensive morality lately I remarked when I had dined and what startled the proprieties startled the pruderies you mean he answered bridely the proprieties face any necessity for discussion with modest discretion however painful it may be well you've done some good at all events I answered I did not tell him but only that very day I had heard it said that his was a name he said the clergy have had a long innings they have been hard added for the last 1800 years and society is still rotten at the core it is our turn now but come draw up your chair to the fire and be comfortable well yes he went on rubbing his hands I suppose eventually morality will be taught by medical men and when it is much misery will be saved to the suffering sex my own idea is that a woman is a human being but the clerical theory is that she is a dangerous beast to be kept in subjection and used for domestic purposes only married life is made up to a great extent of the most heartless abuse of a woman's love and unselfishness submission you know when I had given him the details when I had gone into it he asked me what my own theory was I feel sure it is the old story of these cases in women I answered the natural bent has been thwarted to begin with yes he commented that is a fruitful source of mischief even in these days when women so often listen to the voice of the Lord himself speaking in their own hearts and do what he directs in spite of the church imposed upon women of ability warp their minds and the rising generation suffers but how has the natural bent been thwarted in this case I have not ascertained I said she is a woman of remarkable general intelligence but she makes no use of it and she does not seem to have anyone decided talent that she cares to cultivate and consequently she has no purpose to occupy her mind no purpose for which to live and make the most of her abilities she attends punctually to her social duties but they do not suffice and she has of necessity many spare hours of every day on her hands during which she sits and sows alone I suppose a woman's embroidery answers much the same purpose as a man's cigarette it quiets her nerves and helps her to think she is satisfied and happy in her surroundings her reflections will probably be tranquil and healthy but if her outward circumstances are not congenial she will banish all thoughts of them in her hours of ease and her mind will gradually become a prey to vain imagings pleasant enough to begin with doubtless but likely to take a morbid tone at any time if her health suffers this has been the case I have been very well interrupted with my patient I stammered I have been accustomed to hear her spoken of by her Christian name the old gentleman grunted enigmatically she has one of those minds which should be occupied by a succession of lively events all helping on some desirable object I proceeded the mind of a naturally active woman well he answered it is not an uncommon case so far as the mental symptoms go how does she get on with her husband does she contradict him no never I answered she is always courteous and considerate ah now I thought so he chuckled a happily married woman contradicts her husband flatly whenever she thinks proper she knows she is saved from wrangling and bitterness I think you will find that the domestic position is the difficulty here you don't seem to have inquired into that very carefully I made no answer and he looked at me sharply for a moment then asked me how old my patient was 25 I told him 25 now have you ever had any reason to doubt her honesty her verbal honesty of course I mean quite the contrary I answered I have always found her almost peculiarly frank a woman may be accurate you know in all she says of other people he observed but that is no proof that she will be so concerning herself I know was my reply and during the time that you have known her she now confesses that she has suffered more or less yes she mentioned one interval during which she said a new interest in life took her completely out of herself what was the interest I did not ask her she fell in love I suppose and you happened to know the fact I neither know nor suspected such a thing but then Sadwell decided when a young and attractive woman who speaks to her husband with marked courtesy and consideration instead of treating him familiarly talks of having an interest in life which takes her completely out of herself you may take it for granted almost always that the new interest is love it is more likely to have been the smallpox epidemic I rejoined ah well perhaps he said we are evidently dealing with a nature full of surprises he pursed up his mouth and eyed me attentively my dear boy he said at last I think I see your difficulty you had better turn this case over to me altogether thank you I answered that is what I should like to have suggested lady up to town and I will do my best for her end of book 6 chapter 14 book 6 chapter 15 of the heavenly twins this is a labor box recording all labor box recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit laborbox.org the heavenly twins the labor box was exactly the kind of man Evadni had had in her mind I felt sure when she spoke of the peculiar influence which distinguished men of my profession exercise upon their patience he was a man of taking manners to begin with sympathetic cultivated humane and I need hardly add scrupulously, conscientious would confide her to his care with the most perfect reliance upon his kindness as well as upon his discretion and skill if she would consent to consult him at all but that was a little difficulty which had still to be got over I anticipated some opposition because I felt sure she had not realized that there was anything threatening to be serious in her case and would therefore see no necessity for further advice this made the arrangement difficult it would not do to arouse any apprehension about her own state of mind but how to induce her to go to London to consult an imminent specialist without doing so was the question had Lady Adeline been at home the suggestion would have come best from her but in her absence there was nobody to make it except that impossible Colonel Kahoon if he chose to order Evadni to consult Sir Shadwell Rock I knew she would do so at once for she never opposed him and he was so apt to be unreasonable and capricious that she would probably not think that the order signified much but the further question was would he give it after I had finished my morning's work I drove to the depot to see the men were on parade when I entered the barracks square they were drawn up in line and the first thing I saw was Colonel Kahoon himself prancing about on his charger and not in the most amiable mood possible I imagined from the way he was black guarding the men he set his horse well and was a fine soldier like man in uniform and a handsome man too of the marshal order when his bald head was hidden by his cocked hat and his blind mustache had a chance the sort of man to take a woman's fancy if not the kind of character to keep her regard an unhappy old mounted major had got into trouble just as I came up his paw free was an easy embler but he was the sort of old gentle man who would not have been safe in a rocking chair with his sword drawn and his chief complimenting him you ride like a damn tailor, sir Colonel Kahoon was thundering at him just as I drove up an officer in undress uniform Captain Bartlett and brigade surgeon James who was in Mufti were standing at an open window in the anti-room and I joined them there and looked out at the parade I don't know how you fellows stand that kind of thing and before the men too I remarked our propose of a fresh volley of abuse from Colonel Kahoon oh by Jove we've got to stand it many of us for weighty considerations quite apart from our personal dignity Captain Bartlett rejoined a man with a wife and five children depending upon him will swallow a lot for their sake and will answer him but self-interest keeps us quiet a deuced sight oftener than discipline by the way however he added cheerfully all COs are not so bad as that brute out there nor the half of them for the matter of that but still it's a wonder what you stand you combatants Dr. James observed shut up doctor and joined good naturely don't presume upon your superior position your promotion doesn't depend upon the colonels confidential report nor your peace and life upon his fancy for you you can disagree with him in your own line but we can't in ours is Colonel Kahoon often so I asked he had just been assuring that unfortunate major that a billet in the commissariat department with a pound of beef on one spur and a loaf of bread on the other to prevent accidents was the thing for him more or less was the answer he is notorious all through the service he brought his own regiment up to a high state of efficiency I must say that for him and let it into action like a man but between ourselves I expect there's never been a time since he got his company a bullet ready for him you remember James in India of course it was an accident the doctor nodded the men call him bully Kahoon he supplemented but surely his character is known at the horse guards I said ah you see he's a smart officer Captain Bartlett rejoined and what are officers for to knock about and to be knocked about just look at him now that's how he's bucketing those men about he was a militia man and that's a militia man all over a man who's been through sandhurst has carried a rifle for a year himself and he knows what it is and gives his men their stand easy but a militia man has no more feeling for them than a block well I can't see why you seniors don't remonstrate I rejoined the war office is bound to support you if you show good cause yes and cashier you too for very little if you make yourself obnoxious by giving them trouble Bartlett replied Roy Lance was the only fellow that ever really stood up to Kahoon he was a young subaltern that had just joined but an awful devil when he was roused and he swore in the anti-room that if the colonel ever black guarded him before the men or anywhere else or presumed upon his position to address him in terms which one gentle man is not permitted to use to another he'd give him as much as he got well the very next day on parade Roy Lance got the men into a muddle Kahoon's a good soldier you know and nothing riles him like inefficiency and by Jove he was down on the lad like a shot he poured his whole vocabulary on him and then for one of a worse word he called him a damned dissipated subaltern well Roy Lance just stepped back so as to make himself heard and shouted coolly dissipated that comes well from you sir considering the reason for the singular arrangement of your own with which he handed his sword to the agitant and walked off to his quarters you should have seen Kahoon's face he went on leave immediately afterward and of course the matter was hushed up Roy Lance exchanged he'd lots of money it's the men without means that have to stand that kind of thing my voice was husky and I could scarcely control it but I managed to ask what was the insinuation what about Roy Lance just a lie the lad's life was as clean as a lady's I meant about the marriage oh don't you know Kahoon himself told us all about it in his cups one night just as they were starting on their wedding trip she got a letter containing certain allegations against him and she gave him the slip at the station and went off by herself to make inquiries and in consequence of what she learned she declined to live with him at all at first but he has a great horror of being made the subject of gossip you know and her people were also anxious to save scandal and so between them they managed to persuade her just to consent to live in the house he having given his word of honor as a gentle man not to molester and the arrangement ever since funny isn't it truth stranger than fiction you know and that kind of thing yet it seems to answer they're excellent friends the parade had been dismissed by this time but I had changed my mind and did not wait to see Colonel Kahoon I had to hurry back to make arrangements with regard to my patients in the hospital and then I returned to town and midnight saw me closeted and had to wait and went back but I said I don't know I wasn't getting enough sleep I have help I answered Chapter 16 The revolting story I had heard in the barracks haunted me. I had thought incessantly of my poor little lady taken out of the school room to face a position which would be horrifying, even in idea, to a right-minded woman of the world. What the girls' mental sufferings must have been, only a girl can tell, and ever since, the incubus of that elderly man of unclean antecedence. All that had been incomprehensible about Avadne was obvious now, and also the mistake she had made, during the most important part of the time when a woman is right for her best experiences, when she should be laying in a store of happy memories to fall back upon, when memory becomes her principal pleasure in life. Avadne had lived alone, shut up in herself, her large intelligence idle or misapplied, and her hungry heart seeking such satisfaction as it could find, in pleasant imaginings. As she went about, punctually performing her ineffectual duties, or sat silently sowing, she had been to all outward seeming an example to be revered of graceful waifood and womanliness, but when one came to know what her inner life had become, in consequence of the fatal repression of the best powers of her mind, it was evident that she was in reality a miserable type of a woman wasted. The natural bent of the average woman is devotion to home and husband and children, but there are many women to whom domestic duties are distasteful, and these are now making life tolerable for themselves by finding more congenial spheres of action. There are many women, however, above the average, who are quite capable of equating themselves creditably both in domestic and public life, and Avadne was one of these. Had she been happily married, she would undoubtedly have been one of the first to distinguish herself, one of the foremost in the battle which women are waging against iniquity of every kind. Her keen insight would have kept her sympathies actively alive, and her disinterestedness would have made her careless of criticism. That was her nature, but nature thwarted diseases to be beneficent. She places us here fully equipped for the part she has designed us to play in the world, and if we, men or women, neglect to exercise the powers she has bestowed upon us, the consequences are serious. I did not understand at the time what Avadne meant when she said that she had made it impossible for herself to act. I thought she had deliberately shirked her duty under the mistaken idea that she would make life pleasant her for herself by doing so, but I learned eventually how the impulse to act had been curbed before it quickened by her promise to Colonel Kahun, which had, in effect, forced her into the disastrous attitude which we had all such good reason to deplore. It seemed cruel that all the most beautiful instincts of her being, her affection, her unselfishness, even her modest reserve and womanly self-restraint should have been used to injure her. But that is exactly what had happened. And now the difficulty was how to help her, how to rouse her from the unwholesome form of self-repression which had brought about her present morbid state of mind. I was sitting up late the night after my second visit to Sir Shadwell Rock. Considering the matter, Sir Shadwell's advice was still the same. Send her to me. But the initial difficulty, how to get her to go, remained. How to draw her from the dreary seclusion of her home in the woman's sphere, and persuade her that hours of ease are only to be earned in action. I thought again of Lady Adeline, and sat down to write to her. The household had retired, and the night was oppressively silent. I felt overcome with fatigue, but was painfully wide awake. As happens very often, when I am anxious about a bad case. But this was the third night since I had been in bed. And I thought now I would go when I had finished my letter to Lady Adeline, and do my best to sleep. As I crossed the hall, which was in darkness, save for the candle I carried in my hand. I fancied I heard an unaccountable sound, a dull thud, thud, coming from I could not tell whence for the moment. The senses are singularly acute in certain stages of fatigue. And mine were all alive that night to any impression. My hearing especially so. And there was no mistake. I had stopped short to listen, and impossible as I knew it would have been at any other time. I was sure that I could distinctly hear a horse galloping on the turf of the common more than a mile away. A mounted horse with a rider who was urging him to his utmost speed. And in some inexplicable manner, I also became conscious of the fact that the horseman was a messenger sent in all haste for me. Mechanically, I put my candle down and opened the hall door. It was a bright night. The fresh invigorating frosty air seemed to clear my mental vision still more strongly as it blew in upon me. Diabolo in mess-dress, his cap gone, his fair hair blown back by the wind, breathless with excitement and speed, with thought suspended. But dry lips uttering incessantly a cry for help, gallbraith, gallbraith, gallbraith. My pulses kept tying to the thud of the horse's hoofs on the common. I waited. I had not the shadow of a doubt that I was wanted. But I did not ask myself by whom. The sound only ceased for a perceptible second or so at the lodge gates. Were they open? Had he cleared them? What a chump! Thud! He must be well mounted. On the drive now, the gravel is flying across the lawn. Diabolo. Good speed indeed. Scarcely five minutes since I heard him first till he stopped at the steps in the starlight. Horsely panting, gallbraith, gallbraith. I am here, my boy. What is it? Come, come to her at once. Colonel Kahoon is dead. The mind, quickened by the shock of a startling piece of intelligence, suddenly sums up our suspicions for us sometimes in one crisp homely phrase. This is what mine did. The murder is out, I thought. The moment Diabolo spoke, Evadny, was this the end of it? Such a state of mind as hers had been lately might continue for the rest of her life to her torment without influencing her actions. But on the other hand, an active face might supervene at any moment. Diabolo had dismounted and sat down on one of the steps. Utterly exhausted. Here, take the reins, he said, and mount. I'm done. I'll look after myself. Don't waste a moment. I needed no urging. I have actually meditated murder lately. Murder. Murder for my own benefit. The horrible phrases in regular succession kept time to the rhythmical ring of the iron shoes on the frozen ground as the horse returned with me, still at a steady gallop, to as you like it. I had recognized the animal. It was the same fine charger which Colonel Kahoon himself had been riding so admirably on parade the last time I saw him. Only yesterday morning, murder actually. Murder for my own benefit. No, no stumble. Hold up, only a stone. Shall we ever be there? Suspense. Murder actually. No, it shall not be that. Hope is the word I want. Beaded out of the hardened earth. Hope. Hope. Hope. Hope. Nothing. Nothing but hope. We had arrived at last. No one about. Doors open, lights glaring, and a strange silence, leaving the horse to do as he liked. I walked straight upstairs, and on the first landing I met Evadny's maid. I hoped it was you, sir. Come this way, she whispered, and pushed open a door which stood already ajar, gently, as if afraid of disturbing some sleeper. It was Colonel Kahoon's bedroom, large and luxurious. Like the man himself, he was stretched upon the bed. In evening dress, his gray face upward, one glance at that, sufficed. But almost before I had crossed the threshold, I was conscious of an indescribable sense of relief. There were four persons in the room. That poor old, begad, major, who could not ride. And Captain Bartlett, both hastily summoned from the depot, evidently, and still in mess dress. Dr. James, in ordinary morning costume, with a covert codon, and Evadny, herself in a black evening dress, open at the throat. It was her attitude that relieved my mind the moment I saw her. She was seated beside the bed, crying heartily and healthily. The three gentlemen stood just behind her, gravely concerned, silent, sympathetic, helpless, waiting for me. No one spoke. For the dead, reverence. I stood by the bed looking down on the splendid frame, prone now and inert. And again, I thought of the last time I had seen him, a fine figure of a man, finally mounted and exercising his authority arrogantly. I looked into the blank countenance. No other man on earth had ever called forth curses from my inmost soul such as I had uttered to my shame in one great burst of rage that had surprised me and shaken my fortitude the night before as I journeyed back alone without the slightest prospect that I could see of saving her the blank face. decently composed, his right hand, palm upward, was stretched out toward me as if he were offering it to me. And thankful I was to feel that I could clasp it honestly. I had not a word or look on my conscience for which I deserved a reproach from the dead man lying there. I took his hand, a doctor doing a perfunctory duty. No, a last natural right, an act of reconciliation. In that solemn moment, still holding his hand and gazing down into his face, I rejoiced to feel that the trouble had passed from my soul, that the rage and bitterness were no more, and that only the touching thought of his kindly hospitality and perfect confidence in my own integrity, a confidence impossible in a man who has not himself, the same grace of a better nature, would remain with me from that time forth forever. I laid my hand on Evadney's shoulder, and she looked up, Ah, have you come? She cried, her voice broken with sobs that shook her. Is it really true? Can nothing be done? Oh, poor, poor man, what a life, what a death, a miserable, miserable, misspent life, and such an end, in a moment without a word of warning, and all these years when I have been beside him, silent and helpless, if only I could have done something to help him, said something. Surely, surely there was something I might have done. She held her clasped hands out toward me, the familiar gesture, appealing to me to blame her. Thank heaven, I inwardly ejaculated. This is as it should be. In the presence of eternal death, her own transient sufferings were forgotten, and healthy human pity destroyed any sense of personal injury she might have cherished. We four men stood awkwardly, patiently by for several minutes, listening to her innocent self upbratings, knowing her story, and touched beyond expression by the utter absence of all selfish sentiment. In any word, she said, when she was quite exhausted, I drew her hand through my arm, and took her to her own room. cardiac syncope was the cause of death. Colonel Kahoon had been out that evening, and had, through some mistake of the coachman's, missed his carriage and walked home in a towering rage. The exertion and excitement, acting together on a heart already affected, had brought on the attack. He was storming violently in the hall with his face flushed crimson. So the servants told us when all at once he stopped and called evadenate twice, as if in alarm. And Mrs. Kahoon ran down from the drawing room, but before she could reach him, he fell on the floor and never spoke again. End of book six, chapter 16