Seinfeld India





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Published on Nov 4, 2009

KRAMER: Well, you gotta give me something! Come on, how was the wedding? Was the bride radiant?

ELAINE: She.. was.

JERRY: 'Till she found out Elaine slept with the groom.

KRAMER: (Interested) Ooohh.. That sounds juicy. Listen, I gotta go to the bathroom, but I want to hear all about it. (Gets up and heads for the bathroom)

GEORGE: (While skimming a Monk's menu) You know, I didn't go to the bathroom the entire time we were in India.

JERRY: I can't believe we went all the way to India for a wedding!

(Scene ends)

[Setting: India]

(Notice: "ONE DAY EARLIER" People storm out of a building. All are dressed in wedding apparel)

SUE ELLEN: That's it! The wedding's off.

PINTER: What? But, Sue Ellen-

SUE ELLEN: (Cutting him off. To Elaine) Elaine, you were my maid of honor and you slept with MY Pinter?!

ELAINE: No, no, no! It was years ago - before you met him. And, and I got to tell you.. it was very mechanical.

SUE ELLEN: I have never been so humiliated!

ELAINE: (To Jerry and George) Idiots! This is all yoru fault!

GEORGE: (While pointing at Jerry) Not me! Him! His fault! He betrayed me!

JERRY: (Pleading) George, I'm sorry..

GEORGE: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, Mister!

JERRY: (Confused) I don't know what that means.

GEORGE: (To his girlfriend) Alright, Nina, you have to decide right now. Jerry or me?

NINA: (Casually) Alright.. Neither.

GEORGE: What?! Well, what are you doing here?

NINA: A free trip to India. And by the way, you can take off those boots. Everyone knows you're five' six.

GEORGE: Five' eight! Five' seven!

ELAINE: (To Sue Ellen) See? See the way they are?! We're - we're still best friends, right?

SUE ELLEN: No. (Grabbing at the stud in Elaine's nose) And take that stupid thing out of your nose!

(Elaine screams in pain as Sue Ellen pulls the stud out)

JERRY: That's got to hurt, I don't care where you're from!

GEORGE: (Whispering to Jerry) What time is our flight back? I got to go to the bathroom.

(Scene ends)

[Setting: A building in India]

(Notice: "FIFTEEN MINUTES EARLIER" The bride, Sue Ellen, and the Groom, Pinter, are walking down the aisle. Elaine is scattering flowers behind them. Jerry

walks in and takes a seat)

ELAINE: (Whispering to Jerry) Hey.


ELAINE: What happened last night?

JERRY: Oh, you were pretty loaded.

ELAINE: (Gesturing to her nose stud) I know. I woke up with this.

JERRY: Oh. Hello, Tetanus.

(Scene cuts to Nina and George entering the wedding hall)

NINA: George, I've used the bathroom. It's fine.

GEORGE: (Struggling) No, no, no, no. I can walk it off. It's a hundred and twenty degrees in here.. I'll sweat it out.

ELAINE: (Seeing George, she walks over to greet him) Hey. (Looking at his shoes) Are those Timberlands painted black?

GEORGE: (Looking at her nose) Is your nose pierced?

ELAINE: (Embarrassed) I should.. (Walks tward the bride and groom)

GEORGE: Yeah. (Points to two open seats in front of Jerry's. To Nina) Sit down there. (Sees Jerry in the crowd) Hello, Jerry. (Obviously angered at Jerry) I

believe you know Nina.

JERRY: (As George sits down) George, we need to talk.

GEORGE: (Trying to keep his voice down) I think you've done a lot more than talk! You betrayed me!

JERRY: Alright, I admit it. I slept with Nina, but that's all.

GEORGE: (Outraged) "That's all"?! That's everything! I don't know what all the rest of it is for anyway!

JERRY: (Pleading) I'm really sorry.

GEORGE: You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister!

JERRY: (Confused) Where'd you get that one?

GEORGE: It's an expression.

ELAINE: (From the front of the room, she can hear George and Jerry's heated discussion) Hey! Shhhhh! (Crosses herself, then shakes her head - apologizing)

GEORGE: (Trying to whisper to Jerry) Look, we are gonna settle this right now! I demand reparations! I should get to sleep with Elaine. That's the only way to

punish you!

JERRY: That doesn't punish me. It punishes Elaine! And cruelly, I might add.

GEORGE: (Losing it) Funny guy!

(Elaine casually makes her way to Jerry and George)

ELAINE: Hey! Monkeys! Knock it off. My best friend is trying to get married up here!

GEORGE: Elaine, you have to sleep with me.

ELAINE: (Definite) I'm not gonna sleep with you.

GEORGE: Reparations!

ELAINE: Would you grow up, George?! What is the difference? Nina slept with (Points to Jerry) him, he slept with me, I slept with Pinter. Nobody cares! It's all

ancient history.

GEORGE: (Loud, so everyone at the wedding can hear) You slept with the groom?!

(Everyone goes silent. George and Elaine both look sheepishly. All eyes on them, expecially Sue Ellen)

(Scene ends)


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