 Section 1 of Confessions, Volumes 1 and 2 This is a LibriVox recording or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. A LibriVox recording by Martin Giesen. Confessions, Volumes 1 and 2 by Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Anonymously translated, Section 1, Vol. 1 I have entered upon a performance, which is without example, whose accomplishment will have no imitator. I mean to present my fellow mortals with a man in all the integrity of nature, and this man shall be myself. I know my heart and have studied mankind. I am not made like any one I have been acquainted with, perhaps like no one in existence. If not better, I at least claim originality, and whether nature did wisely in breaking the mould with which she formed me can only be determined after having read this work. Whenever the last trumpet shall sound, I will present myself before the sovereign judge, with this book in my hand, and loudly proclaim, thus have I acted. These were my thoughts. Such was I. With equal freedom and veracity have I related what was laudable or wicked. I have concealed no crimes, added no virtues, and if I have sometimes introduced superfluous ornament, it was merely to occupy a void occasioned by defective memory. I may have supposed that certain, which I only knew to be probable, but have never asserted as truth a conscious falsehood. Such as I was, I have declared myself, sometimes vile and despicable, and others virtuous, generous and sublime. Even as thou hast read my inmost soul, power eternal, assemble round thy throne an innumerable throng of my fellow mortals. Let them listen to my confessions. Let them blush at my depravity. Let them tremble at my sufferings. Let each in his turn expose with equal sincerity the failings, the wanderings of his heart, and if he dare, aver, I was better than that man. I was born at Geneva in 1712, son of Isaac Rousseau and Suzanne Bernard, Citizens. My father's share of a moderate competency, which was divided among fifteen children, being very trivial, his business of a watchmaker, in which he had the reputation of great ingenuity, was his only dependence. My mother's circumstances were more affluent. She was daughter of a Monsieur Bernard minister, and possessed a considerable share of modesty and beauty. Indeed, my father found some difficulty in obtaining her hand. The affection they entertained for each other was almost as early as their existence. At eight or nine years old they walked together every evening on the banks of the Thay, and before they were ten could not support the idea of separation. A natural sympathy of soul confined those sentiments of predilection, which habit at first produced. Born with minds susceptible of the most exquisite sensibility and tenderness, it was only necessary to encounter similar dispositions. That moment fortunately presented itself, and each surrendered a willing heart. The obstacles that opposed served only to give a decree of vivacity to their affection, and the young lover not being able to obtain his mistress was overwhelmed with sorrow and despair. She advised him to travel, to forget her. He consented. He travelled, but returned more passionate than ever, and had the happiness to find her equally constant, equally tender. After this proof of mutual affection, what could they resolve, to dedicate their future lives to love? The resolution was ratified with a vow on which heaven shed its benediction. Fortunately, my mother's brother, Gabrielle Bernard, fell in love with one of my father's sisters. She had no objection to the match, but made the marriage of his sister with her brother an indispensable preliminary. Love soon removed every obstacle, and the two weddings were celebrated the same day. Thus my uncle became the husband of my aunt, and their children were doubly cousins German. Before a year was expired both had the happiness to become fathers, but were soon after obliged to submit to a separation. My uncle Bernard, who was an engineer, went to serve in the Empire and Hungary under Prince Eugene, and distinguished himself both at the siege and battle of Belgrade. My father, after the birth of my only brother, set off on recommendation for Constantinople, and was appointed watchmaker to the Suralio. During his absence, the beauty, wit, and accomplishments of my mother attracted a number of admirers, among whom Monsieur de la Closure, resident of France, was the most assiduous in his attentions. His passion must have been extremely violent. Since after a period of thirty years, I have seen him affected at the very mention of her name. My mother had a defence more powerful even than her virtue. She tenderly loved my father, and conjured him to return. His inclination seconding his request, he gave up every prospect of emolument, and hastened to Geneva. I was the unfortunate fruit of this return, being born ten months after, in a very weakly and infirm state. My birth cost my mother her life, and was the first of my misfortunes. I am ignorant how my father supported her loss at that time, and I know he was ever after inconsolable. In me, he still thought he saw her he so tenderly lamented, but could never forget I had been the innocent cause of his misfortune. Nor did he ever embrace me, but his size, the convulsive pressure of his arms, witnessed that a bitter regret mingled itself with his caresses. Though as may be supposed, they were not on this account less ardent. When he said to me, Jean-Jacques, let us talk of your mother. My usual reply was, Yes, father, but then you know we shall cry. And immediately the tears started from his eyes. Ah! exclaimed he, with agitation, give me back my wife. At least console me for her loss. Fill up, dear boy, the void she has left in my soul. Could I love thee thus, were thou only my son? Forty years after this loss, he expired in the arms of his second wife, but the name of the first still vibrated on his lips, still was her image engraved on his heart. Such were the authors of my being. Of all the gifts it had pleased heaven to bestow on them, a feeling heart was the only one that descended to me. This had been the source of their felicity. It was the foundation of all my misfortunes. I came into the world with so few signs of life that they entertained but little hope of preserving me, with the seeds of a disorder that has gathered strength with years, and from which I am now relieved at intervals, only to suffer a different, though more intolerable evil. I owed my preservation to one of my father's sisters, an amiable and virtuous girl, who took the most tender care of me. She is yet living, nursing at the age of four score a husband younger than herself, but worn out with excessive drinking. Dear Aunt, I freely forgive your having preserved my life, and only lament that it is not in my power to bestow on the decline of your days the tender solicitude and care you lavished on the first dawn of mine. My nurse, Jacqueline, is likewise living and in good health. The hands that opened my eyes to the light of this world may close them at my death. We suffer before we think. It is the common lot of humanity. I experienced more than my proportion of it. I have no knowledge of what passed prior to my fifth or sixth year. I recollect nothing of learning to read. I only remember what effect the first considerable exercise of it produced on my mind, and from that moment I date an uninterrupted knowledge of myself. Every night after supper we read some part of a small collection of romances which had been my mother's. My father's design was only to improve me in reading, and he thought these entertaining works were calculated to give me a fondness for it. But we soon found ourselves so interested in the adventures they contained that we alternately read whole nights together, and could not bear to give over until at the conclusion of a volume. Sometimes in a morning, on hearing the swallows at our window, my father, quite ashamed of this weakness, would cry, Come, come, let us go to bed. I am more a child than thou art. I soon acquired, by this dangerous custom, not only an extreme facility in reading and comprehending, but for my age a too intimate acquaintance with the passions. An infinity of sensations were familiar to me, without possessing any precise idea of the objects to which they related. I had conceived nothing. I had felt the whole. This confused succession of emotions did not retard the future efforts of my reason. Though they added an extravagant, romantic notion of human life, which experience and reflection have never been able to eradicate. My romance reading concluded with the summer of 1719. The following winter was differently employed. My mother's library, being quite exhausted, we had recourse to that part of her father's which had devolved to us. Here we happily found some valuable books, which was by no means extraordinary, having been selected by a minister that truly deserved that title, in whom learning, which was the rage of the times, was but a secondary commendation, his taste and good sense being most conspicuous. The History of the Church and Empire by Le Sueur, Bossier's discourses on universal history, Plutarch's Lives, The History of Venice by Nani, Ovid's Metamorphoses, La Breuillère, Fontenelle's World, his Dialogues of the Dead and a few volumes of Molière, were soon ranged in my father's closet, where during the hours he was employed in his business I daily read them, with an avidity and taste, uncommon, perhaps unprecedented, at my age. Plutarch presently became my greatest favourite. The satisfaction I derived from repeated readings I gave this author extinguished my passion for romances, and I shortly preferred Agisileus, Brutus and Aristides to Orondat, Artamen and Juba. These interesting studies, seconded by the conversations they frequently occasioned with my father, produced that republican spirit and love of liberty, that haughty and invincible turn of mind, which rendered me impatient of restraint or servitude, and became the torment of my life, as I continually found myself in situations incompatible with these sentiments. Incessantly occupied with Rome and Athens, conversing, if I may so express myself, with their illustrious heroes, born the citizen of a republic, of a father whose ruling passion was a love of his country, I was fired with these examples, could fancy myself a Greek or Roman, and readily give in to the character of the personage whose life I read, transported by the recital of any extraordinary instance of fortitude or intrepidity. Animation flashed from my eyes and gave my voice additional strength and energy. One day at table, while relating the fortitude of Skyvola, they were terrified at seeing me start from my seat and hold my hand over a hot chafing dish, to represent more forcibly the action of that determined Roman. My brother, who was seven years older than myself, was brought up to my father's profession. The extraordinary affection they lavished on me might be the reason he was too much neglected. This certainly was a fault which cannot be justified. His education and morals suffered by this neglect, and he acquired the habits of a libertine, before he arrived at an age to be really one. My father tried what effect placing him with a master would produce, but he still persisted in the same ill conduct. Though I saw him so seldom that it could hardly be said we were acquainted, I loved him tenderly, and believe he had a strong an affection for me as a youth of his dissipated turn of mind could be supposed capable of. One day, I remember, when my father was correcting him severely, I threw myself between them embracing my brother, whom I covered with my body, receiving the strokes designed for him. I persisted so obstinately in my protection that either softened by my cries and tears, or fearing to hurt me most, his anger subsided, and he pardoned his fault. In the end my brother's conduct became so bad that he suddenly disappeared, and we learned some time after that he was in Germany. But he never wrote to us, and from that day we heard no news of him. Thus I became an only son. If this poor lad was neglected, it was quite different with his brother, for the children of a king could not be treated with more attention and tenderness than were bestowed on my infancy, being the darling of the family. And what is rather uncommon, though treated as a beloved, never a spoiled child, was never permitted, while under paternal inspection, to play in the street with other children, never had any occasion to contradict or indulge those fantastical humours which are usually attributed to nature, but are in reality the effects of an injudicious education. I had the faults common to my age, was talkative, a glutton, and sometimes a liar, made no scruple of stealing sweetmeats, fruits, or indeed any kind of eatables, but never took delight in mischievous waste, in accusing others or tormenting harmless animals. I recollect indeed that one day while Madame Clue, a neighbour of ours, was gone to church, I made water in her kettle. The remembrance even now makes me smile, for Madame Clue, though if you please a good sort of creature, was one of the most tedious grumbling old women I ever knew. Thus have I given a brief but faithful history of my childish transgressions. Section 2. How could I become cruel or vicious, when I had before my eyes only examples of mildness, and was surrounded by some of the best people in the world? My father, my aunt, my nurse, my relations, our friends, our neighbours, all I had any connection with, did not obey me, it is true, but loved me tenderly, and I returned their affection. I found so little to excite my desires, and those I had were so seldom contradicted that I was hardly sensible of possessing any, and consolably avert, I was an absolute stranger to caprice, until after I had experienced the authority of a master. Those hours that were not employed in reading or writing with my father, or walking with my governess Chakleen, I spent with my aunt, and whether seeing her embroiderer, or hearing her sing, whether sitting or standing by her side, I was ever happy. Her tenderness and unaffected gaiety, the charms of her figure and countenance, have left such indelible impressions on my mind, that her manner, look and attitude are still before my eyes. I recollect a thousand little caressing questions, could describe her clothes, her headdress, nor have the two curls of fine black hair which hung on her temples, according to the mode of that time, escaped my memory. Though my taste, or rather passion, for music did not show itself until a considerable time after, I am fully persuaded it is to her I am indebted for it. She knew a great number of songs which she sung with great sweetness and melody. The serenity and cheerfulness which were conspicuous in this lovely girl banished melancholy, and made all round her happy. The charms of her voice had such an effect on me, that not only several of her songs have ever since remained on my memory, but some I have not thought of from my infancy. As I grow old, return upon my mind with a charm altogether inexpressible. Would any one believe that an old daughter like me, worn out with care and infirmity, should sometimes surprise himself weeping like a child, and in a voice querulous and broken by age muttering out one of those heirs which were the favourites of my infancy. There is one song in particular whose tune I perfectly recollect, but the words that compose the latter half of it constantly refuse every effort to recall them, though I have a confused idea of the rhymes. The beginning, with what I have been able to recollect of the remainder, is as follows. I have endeavoured to account for the invincible charm my heart feels on the recollection of this fragment, but it is altogether inexplicable. I only know that before I get to the end of it I always find my voice interrupted by tenderness, and my eyes suffused with tears. I have a hundred times formed the resolution of writing to Paris for the remainder of these words if any one should chance to know them, but I am almost certain the pleasure I take in the recollection would be greatly diminished, was I assured any one but my poor aunt Suzanne had sung them. Such were my affections on entering this life. Thus began to form and demonstrate itself a heart at once haughty and tender, a character effeminate yet invincible, which fluctuating between weakness and courage, luxury and virtue has ever set me in contradiction to myself, causing abstinence and enjoyment, pleasure and prudence equally to shun me. This course of education was interrupted by an accident whose consequences influenced the rest of my life. My father had a quarrel with Monsieur G., who had a captain's commission in France, and was related to several of the council. This G., who was an insolent, ungenerous man, happening to bleed at the nose, in order to be avenged, accused my father of having drawn his sword on him in the city, and in consequence of this charge they were about to conduct him to prison. He insisted, according to the law of this republic, that the accuser should be confined at the same time, and not being able to obtain this preferred a voluntary banishment for the remainder of his life to giving up a point by which he must sacrifice his honour and liberty. I remained under the tuition of my uncle Bernard, who was at that time employed in the fortifications of Geneva. He had lost his eldest daughter, but had a son about my own age, and we were sent together to Bosse to board with the minister Lambertier. Here we were to learn Latin, with all the insignificant trash that has obtained the name of education. Two years spent in this village softened in some degree my Roman fierceness, and again reduced me to a state of childhood. At Geneva, when nothing was exacted, I loved reading, which was indeed my principal amusement. But at Bosse, where application was expected, I was fond of play as a relaxation. The country was so new, so charming in my idea, that it seemed impossible to find satiety in its enjoyments, and I conceived a passion for rural life, which time has not been able to extinguish. Nor have I ever ceased to regret the pure and tranquil pleasures I enjoyed at this place in my childhood. The remembrance having followed me through every age, even to that in which I am hastening again towards it. Monsieur Lambertier was a worthy, sensible man, who, without neglecting our instruction, never made our acquisitions burdensome, or tasks tedious. What convinces me of the rectitude of his method is that notwithstanding my extreme aversion to restraint, the recollection of my studies is never attended with disgust, and if my improvement was trivial, it was obtained with ease, and has never escaped memory. The simplicity of this rural life was of infinite advantage in opening my heart to the reception of true friendship. The sentiments I had hitherto formed on this subject were extremely elevated, but altogether imaginary. The habit of living in this peaceful manner soon united me tenderly to my cousin Bernard. My affection was more ardent than that I had felt for my brother, nor has time ever been able to efface it. He was a tall, lank, weakly boy, with a mind as mild as his body was feeble, and who did not long the good opinion they were disposed to entertain but the son of my guardian. Our studies, amusements, and tasks were the same. We were alone. Each wanted a playmate to separate would, in some measure, have been to annihilate us. Though we had not many opportunities of demonstrating our attachment to each other, it was certainly extreme, and so far from enduring the thought of separation we could not even form an idea that we should ever be able to submit to it. Each of a disposition to be won by kindness, and complacent, when not soured by contradiction, we agreed in every particular. If, by the favour of those who governed us, he had the ascendant while in their presence, I was sure to acquire it when we were alone, and this preserved the equilibrium so necessary in friendship. If he hesitated in repeating his task, I prompted him. When my exercises were finished, I helped to write his, and in our amusements my disposition being most active ever had the lead. In a word our characters accorded so well, and the friendship that subsisted between us was so cordial, that during the five years we were at Bosse and Geneva we were inseparable. We often thought it is true, but there was never any occasion to separate us. No one of our quarrels lasted more than a quarter of an hour, and never in our lives did we make any complaint of each other. It may be said these remarks are frivolous, but perhaps a similar example among children can hardly be produced. The manner in which I passed my time at Bosse was so agreeable to my disposition that it only required a longer duration absolutely to have fixed my character, which would have had only peaceable, affectionate, benevolent sentiments for its basis. I believe no individual of our kind ever possessed less natural vanity than myself. At intervals, by an extraordinary effort, I arrived at sublime ideas, but presently sunk again into my original languor. To be loved by everyone who knew me was my most ardent wish. I was naturally mild, my cousin was equally so, and those who had the care of us were of similar dispositions. Everything contributed to strengthen those propensities which nature had implanted in my breast, and during the two years I was neither the victim nor witness of any violent emotions. I knew nothing so delightful as to see everyone content, not only with me, but all that concerned them. When repeating our catechism at church, nothing could give me greater vexation on being obliged to hesitate, and to see mademoiselle Lambertier's countenance express disapprobation and uneasiness. This alone was more afflicting to me than the shame of faltering before so many witnesses, which notwithstanding was sufficiently painful, for though not over solicitous of praise, I was feelingly alive to shame. Yet I can truly affirm the dread of being reprimanded by mademoiselle Lambertier alarmed me less than the thought of making her uneasy. Neither she nor her brother were deficient in a reasonable severity, but as this was scarce ever exerted without just cause, I was more afflicted at their disapprobation than the punishment. Certainly the method of treating youth would be altered if the distant effect this indiscriminate and frequently indiscreet method produces were more conspicuous. I would willingly excuse myself from a further explanation, did not the lesson this example conveys, which points out an evil as frequent as it is pernicious, forbid my silence. As mademoiselle Lambertier felt a mother's affection, she sometimes exerted a mother's authority, even to inflicting on us when we deserved it the punishment of infants. She had often threatened it, and this threat of a treatment entirely new appeared to me extremely dreadful, but I found the reality much less terrible than the idea. And what is still more unaccountable, this punishment increased my affection for the person who had inflicted it. All this affection, aided by my natural mildness, was scarcely sufficient to prevent my seeking, by fresh offences, a return of the same chastisement. For a degree of sensuality had mingled with the smart and shame, which left more desire than fear of a repetition. I was well convinced the same discipline from her brother would have produced a quite contrary effect, but from a man of his disposition this was not probable, and if I abstained from meriting correction it was merely from a fear of offending mademoiselle Lambertier. For benevolence aided by the passions has ever maintained an empire over me which has given law to my heart. This event which, though desirable, I had not endeavoured to accelerate, arrived without my fault, I should say without my seeking, and I profited by it with a safe conscience. But this second was also the last time, for mademoiselle Lambertier, who doubtless had some reason to imagine this chastisement did not produce the desired effect, declared it was too fatiguing, and that she renounced it for the future. Till now we had slept in her chamber, and during the winter, even in her bed, but two days after another room was prepared for us, and from that moment I had the honour, which I could very well have dispensed with, of being treated by her as a great boy. Who would believe this childish discipline, received at eight years old from the hands of a woman of thirty, should influence my propensity, my desires, my passions, for the rest of my life, and that in quite a contrary sense from what might naturally have been expected. The very incident that inflamed my senses gave my desires such an extraordinary turn that, confined to what I had already experienced, I sought no further, and with blood boiling with sensuality, foremost from my birth, preserved my purity beyond the age when the coldest constitutions lose their insensibility. Long tormented, without knowing by what, I gazed on every handsome woman with delight. Imagination incessantly brought their charms to my remembrance. Only to transform them into so many Mademoiselles l'embersieuse. End of Section 2 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmeyer Surrey. Section 3 of Confessions Vol. 1 and 2 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Confessions Vol. 1 and 2 by Jean-Jacques Rousseau. Anonymously translated. Section 3 If ever education was perfectly chased, it was certainly that I received. My three aunts were not only of exemplary prudence, but maintained a degree of modest reserve which women have long since thought unnecessary. My father, it is true, loved pleasure, but his gallantry was rather of the last than the present century, and he never expressed his affection for any woman he regarded in terms of virgin could have blushed at. Indeed, it was impossible more attention should be paid to that regard we owe the morals of children than was uniformly observed by every one I had any concern with. An equal degree of reserve in this particular was observed at Monsieur l'embersieuse, where a good maid servant was discharged for having once made use of an expression before us, which was thought to contain some degree of indelicacy. I had no precise idea of the ultimate effect of the passions, but the conception I had formed was extremely disgusting. I entertained a particular aversion for courtesans, nor could I look on a rake without a degree of disdain mingled with terror. These prejudices of education proper in themselves to retard the first explosions of a combustible constitution were strengthened, as I have already hinted, by the effect the first moments of sensuality produced in me. For notwithstanding the troublesome ebullition of my blood, I was satisfied with the species of voluptuousness I had already been acquainted with, and sought no further. Thus I passed the age of puberty with a constitution extremely ardent, without knowing or even wishing for any other gratification of the passions than what mademoiselle l'embersieuse had innocently given me an idea of. And when I became a man, that childish taste, instead of vanishing, only associated with the other. This folly joined to a natural timidity, as always prevented my being very enterprising with women, so that I have passed my days in languishing in silence for those I most admired, without daring to disclose my wishes. To fall at the feet of an imperious mistress, obey her mandates, or implore pardon, where for me the most exquisite enjoyments, and the more my blood was inflamed by the efforts of a lively imagination, the more I acquired the appearance of a whining lover. It will be readily conceived that this mode of making love is not attended with a rapid progress, or imminent danger to the virtue of its object. Yet, though I have few favours to boast of, I have not been excluded from enjoyment, however imaginary. Thus the senses, in concurrence with the mind equally timid and romantic, have preserved my moral chaste and feelings uncorrupted, with precisely the same inclinations, which, seconded with a moderate portion of effrontery, might have plunged me into the most unwarrantable excesses. I have made the first most difficult step in the obscure and painful maze of my confessions. We never feel so great a degree of repugnance in divulging what is really criminal as what is merely ridiculous. I am now assured of my resolution, for after what I have dared disclose, nothing can have power to deter me. The difficulty attending these acknowledgments will be readily conceived when I declare that during the whole of my life, though frequently laboring under the most violent agitation, being hurried away with the impetuosity of a passion which, when in company with those I loved, deprived me of the faculty of sight and hearing, I could never, in the course of the most unbounded familiarity, acquire sufficient resolution to declare my folly, and implore the only favour that remained to bestow. In thus investigating the first traces of my sensible existence, I find elements which, though seemingly incompatible, have united to produce a simple and uniform effect, while others, apparently the same, have by the concurrence of certain circumstances, formed such different combinations, that it would never be imagined they had any affinity. Who would believe, for example, that one of the most vigorous springs of my soul was tempered in the identical source from whence luxury and ease mingled with my constitution and circulated in my veins? Before I quit this subject, I will add a striking instance of the different effects they produced. One day, while I was studying in a chamber contiguous to the kitchen, the maid set some of mademoiselle embersier's combs to dry by the fire, and on coming to fetch them some time after, was surprised to find the teeth of one of them broken off. Who could be suspected of this mischief? No one but myself had entered the room. I was questioned, but denied having any knowledge of it. Monsieur and mademoiselle embersier consult, exhort, threaten, but all to no purpose. I obstinately persist in the denial, and though this was the first time I had been detected in a confirmed falsehood, appearances were so strong that they overthrew all my protestations. This affair was thought serious. The mischief, the lie, the obstinacy were considered equally deserving of punishment, which was not now to be administered by mademoiselle embersier. My uncle Bernard was written to. He arrived, and my poor cousin being charged with a crime no less serious, we were conducted to the same execution, which was inflicted with great severity. If finding a remedy in the evil itself they had sought ever to allay my depraved desires, they could not have chosen a shorter method to accomplish their designs, and I can assure my readers I was for a long time freed from the dominion of them. As this severity could not draw from me the expected acknowledgement, which obstinacy brought on several repetitions and reduced me to a deplorable situation, yet I was immovable, and resolutely determined to suffer death rather than submit. Force at length was obliged to yield to the diabolical infatuation of a child, for no better name was bestowed on my constancy. And I came out of this dreadful trial torn. It is true, but triumphant. Fifty years have expired since this adventure. The fear of punishment is no more. Well then, I aver in the face of heaven I was absolutely innocent, and so far from breaking or even touching the comb never came near the fire. It will be asked, how did this mischief happen? I can form no conception of it. I only know my own innocence. Let any one figure to himself a character whose leading trays were docility and timidity, but haughty, ardent and invincible in its passions. A child hitherto governed by the voice of reason, treated with mildness, equity and complacence, who could not even support the idea of injustice, experiencing for the first time so violent an instance of it, inflicted by those he most loved and respected. What perversion of ideas? What confusion in the heart, the brain, in all my little being, intelligent and moral? Let any one, I say, if possible imagine all this, for I am incapable of giving the least idea of what passed in my mind at that period. My reason was not sufficiently established to enable me to put myself in the place of others, and judge how much appearances condemned me. I only beheld the rigor of a dreadful chastisement, inflicted for a crime I had not committed. Yet I can truly affirm the smart I suffered, though violent, was inconsiderable compared to what I felt from indignation, rage and despair. My cousin, who was almost in similar circumstances, having been punished for an involuntary fault, as guilty of a premeditated crime, became furious by my example. Both in the same bed, we embraced each other with convulsive transport. We were almost suffocated, and when our young hearts found sufficient relief to breathe out our indignation, we sat up in the bed, and with all our force repeated a hundred times. Carnifex, carnifex, carnifex, executioner tormenta! Even while I write this, I feel my pulse quicken, and should I live a hundred thousand years, the agitation of that moment would still be fresh in my memory. The first instance of violence and oppression is so deeply engraved on my soul that every relative idea renews my emotion. The sentiment of indignation, which in its origin had reference only to myself, has acquired such strength, and is at present so completely detached from personal motives that my heart is as much inflamed at the sight or relation of any act of injustice. Whatever may be the object, or wheresoever it may be perpetrated, as if I was the immediate sufferer. When I read the history of a merciless tyrant, or the dark and the subtle machination of a navish designing priest, I could on the instant set off to stab the miscreants, though I was certain to perish in the attempt. I have frequently fatigued myself by running after and stoning a cock, a cow, a dog, or any animal I saw tormenting another, only because it was conscious of possessing superior strength. This may be natural to me, and I am inclined to believe it is, though the lively impression of the first injustice I became the victim of was too long and too powerfully remembered not to have added considerable force to it. This occurrence terminated my infantile serenity. From that moment I ceased to enjoy a pure unadulterated happiness, and on a retrospection of the pleasures of my childhood I yet feel they ended here. We continued at Bosse some months after this event, but were like our first parents in the Garden of Eden after they had lost their innocence. In appearance our situation was the same. In effect it was totally different. Affection, respect, intimacy, confidence no longer attached the pupils to their guides. We beheld them no longer as divinities who could read the secrets of our hearts. We were less ashamed of committing faults, more afraid of being accused of them. We learned to dissemble, to rebel, to lie. All the vices common to our years began to corrupt our happy innocence, mingle with our sports, and embitter our amusements. The country itself, losing those sweet and simple charms which captivate the heart, appeared a gloomy desert, or covered with a veil that concealed its beauties. We cultivated our little gardens no more. Our flowers were neglected. We no longer scratched away the mould and broke out into exclamations of delight on discovering that the grain we had sown began to shoot. We were disgusted with our situation. Our preceptors were weary of us. In a word my uncle wrote for our return, and we left Monsieur and Mademoiselle l'enversier without feeling any regret at the separation. End of Section 3 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmeyer Surrey Section 4 of Confessions Vol. 1 & 2 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain. Recording by Martin Giesen Confessions Vol. 1 & 2 by Jean-Jacques Rousseau Anonymously translated. Section 4 Near thirty years passed away from my leaving bossée, without once recalling the place to my mind with any degree of satisfaction. But after having passed the prime of life, as I decline into old age, while more recent occurrences are wearing out at pace, I feel these remembrances revive and imprint themselves on my heart, with a force and charm that every day acquires fresh strength, as if feeling life fleet from me. I endeavour to catch it again by its commencement. The most trifling incidents of those happy days delight me, for no other reason than being of those days. I recall every circumstance of time, place and persons. I see the maid or footman busy in the chamber, a swallow entering the window, a fly settling on my hand while repeating my lessons. I see the whole economy of the apartment, on the right hand Monsieur L'Ambertier's closet, with a print representing all the popes, a barometer, a large almanac, the windows of the house, which stood in a hollow at the bottom of the garden, shaded by raspberry shrubs, whose chutes sometimes found entrance. I am sensible the reader has no occasion to know all this, but I feel a kind of necessity for relating it. Why am I not permitted to recount all the little anecdotes of that thrice-happy age, at the recollection of whose joys I ever tremble with delight? Five or six particularly. Let us compromise the matter. I will give up five, but then I must have one, and only one, provided I may draw it out to its utmost length, in order to prolong my satisfaction. If I only sought yours, I should choose that of mademoiselle L'Ambertier's backside, which by an unlucky fall at the bottom of the meadow was exposed to the view of the king of Sardinia, who happened to be passing by. But that of the walnut-tree on the terrace is more amusing to me, since here I was an actor, whereas in the above-mentioned scene I was only a spectator, and I must confess, I see nothing that should occasion visibility in an accident which, however laughable in itself, alarmed me for a person I loved as a mother, or perhaps something more. Ye curious readers, whose expectations are already on the stretch for the noble history of the terrace, listen to the tragedy, and abstain from trembling, if you can, at the horrible catastrophe. At the outside of the courtyard door, on the left hand was a terrace. Here they often sat after dinner, but it was subject to one inconvenience, being too much exposed to the rays of the sun. To obviate this defect, Monsieur Lambertier had a walnut-tree set there, the planting of which was attended with great solemnity. The two borders were godfathers, and while the earth was replacing round the root, each held the tree with one hand, singing songs of triumph. In order to water it with more effect, they formed a kind of luson, reader's note, hollow, around its foot. Myself and cousin, who were everyday ardent spectators of this watering, confirmed each other in the very natural idea that it was nobler to plant trees on the terrace than colours on a breach, and this glory we were resolved to procure without dividing it with any one. In pursuance of this resolution, we cut a slip off a willow, and planted it on the terrace at about eight or ten feet distance from the august walnut-tree. We did not forget to make a hollow round it, but the difficulty was how to procure a supply of water, which was brought from a considerable distance, and we not permitted to fetch it. But water was absolutely necessary for our willow, and we made use of every stratagem to obtain it. For a few days everything succeeded so well that it began to bud, and throw out small leaves, which we hourly measured, convinced, though now scarce a fort from the ground, it would soon afford us a refreshing shade. This unfortunate willow, by engrossing our whole time, rendered us incapable of application to any other study, and the cause of our inattention not being known. We were kept closer than before. The fatal moment approached when water must fail, and we were already afflicted with the idea that our tree must perish with drought. At length necessity, the parent of industry, suggested an invention, by which we might save our tree from death and ourselves from despair. It was to make a furrow underground, which would privately conduct a part of the water from the walnut tree to our willow. This undertaking was executed with ardour, but did not immediately succeed. Our descent was not skillfully planned. The water did not run, the earth falling in and stopping up the furrow. Yet, though all went contrary, nothing discouraged us. Omnia winkit labor improbus. We made the basin deeper to give the water a more sensible descent. We cut the bottom of a box into narrow planks, increased the channel from the walnut tree to our willow, and laying a row flat at the bottom, set two others inclining towards each other so as to form a triangular channel. We formed a kind of grating with small sticks at the end next to the walnut tree to prevent the earth and stones from stopping it up, and having carefully covered our work with well-trodden earth in a transport of hope and fear we attended the hour of watering. After an interval which seemed an age of expectation, this hour arrived. Monsieur Lambertier, as usual, assisted at the operation. We contrived to get between him and our tree towards which he fortunately turned his back. They no sooner began to pour the first pail of water than we perceived it running to the willow. This sight was too much for our prudence, and we involuntarily expressed our transport by a shout of joy. The sudden exclamation made Monsieur Lambertier turn about, though at that instant he was delighted to observe how greedily the earth which surrounded the root of his walnut tree imbibed the water. Surprised at seeing two trenches partake of it, he shouted in his turn, examines, perceives the roguery, and sending instantly for a pickaxe at one fatal blow makes two or three of our planks fly, crying out meantime with all his strength, an aqueduct, an aqueduct. His strokes redoubled every one of which made an impression on our hearts. In a moment the planks, the channel, the basin, even our favourite willow, all were plowed up, nor was one word pronounced during this terrible transaction, except the above-mentioned exclamation, an aqueduct, repeated he, while destroying all our hopes, an aqueduct, an aqueduct. It may be supposed this adventure had a still more melancholy end for the young architects. This, however, was not the case. The affair ended here. Monsieur Lambertier never reproached us on this account, nor was his countenance clouded with a frown. We even heard him mention the circumstance to his sister with loud bursts of laughter. The laugh of Monsieur Lambertier might be heard to a considerable distance, but what is still more surprising after the first transport of sorrow had subsided, we did not find ourselves violently afflicted. We planted a tree in another spot and frequently recollected the catastrophe of the former, repeating with a significant emphasis, an aqueduct, an aqueduct. Till then, at intervals, I had fits of ambition and could fancy myself Brutus or Aristides, but this was the first visible effect of my vanity. To have constructed an aqueduct with our own hands, to have set a slip of willow in competition with a flourishing tree, appeared to me a supreme degree of glory. I had a juster conception of it at ten than Caesar entertained at thirty. The idea of this walnut tree, with the little anecdotes it gave rise to, have so well continued or returned to my memory that the design which conveyed the most pleasing sensations during my journey to Geneva in the year 1754 was visiting Bosse and reviewing the monuments of my infantine amusement, above all the beloved walnut tree, whose age at that time must have been verging on a third of a century. But I was so beset with company that I could not find a moment to accomplish my design. There is little appearance now of the occasion being renewed. But should I ever return to that charming spot and find my favourite walnut tree still existing, I am convinced I should water it with my tears. On my return to Geneva I passed two or three years at my uncles expecting the determination of my friends respecting my future establishment. His own son being devoted to genius was taught drawing and instructed by his father in the elements of Euclid. I partook of these instructions but was principally fond of drawing. Meantime they were irresolute whether to make me a watchmaker, a lawyer or a minister. I should have preferred being a minister as I thought it must be a charming thing to preach but the trifling income which had been my mother's and was to be divided between my brother and myself was too inconsiderable to defray the expense attending the prosecution of my studies. As my age did not render the choice very pressing I remained with my uncle passing my time with very little improvement and paying pretty dear though not unreasonably for my board. My uncle like my father was a man of pleasure but had not learned like him to abridge his amusements for the sake of instructing his family. Consequently our education was neglected. My aunt was a devotee who loved singing psalms better than thinking of our improvement so that we were left entirely to ourselves which liberty we never abused. Ever inseparable we were all the world to each other and feeling no inclination to frequent the company of a number of disorderly lads of our own age we learned none of those habits of liberty-nism to which our idle life exposed us. Perhaps I am wrong in charging myself and cousin with idleness at this time for in our lives we were nevertheless so and what was extremely fortunate so incessantly occupied with our amusements that we found no temptation to spend any part of our time in the streets. We made cages, pipes, kites, drums, houses, ships, and bows. Spoiled the tools of my good old grandfather by endeavouring to make watches in imitation of him but our favourite amusement was wasting paper in drawing, washing, colouring, etc. There came an Italian mountain-bank to Geneva called Gambercorta who had an exhibition of puppets that he made play a kind of comedy. We went once to see them but could not spare time to go again being busily employed in making puppets of our own and inventing comedies which we immediately set about making them perform mimicking to the best of our abilities the uncouth voice of punch. And to complete the business my good aunt and uncle Bernard had the patience to see and listen to our imitations but my uncle having one day read an elaborate discourse to his family we instantly gave up our comedies and began composing sermons. These details I confess are not very amusing but they serve to demonstrate that the former part of our education was well directed since being at such an early age the absolute masters of our time we found no inclination to abuse it and so little in want of other companions that we constantly neglected every occasion of seeking them. When taking our walks together we observed their diversions without feeling any inclination to partake of them. Friendship so entirely occupied our hearts that pleased with each other's company the simplest pastimes were sufficient to delight us. We were soon remarked for being thus inseparable and what rendered us more conspicuous my cousin was very tall myself extremely short so that we exhibited a very whimsical contrast this meager figure this small, sallow countenance heavy air and supine gait excited the ridicule of the children who in the gibberish of the country nicknamed him Barnabredanna readers note, ass in a bridle and we know sooner got out of doors that our ears were assailed with a repetition of Barnabredanna He bore this indignity with tolerable patience but I was instantly for fighting this was what the young rogues aimed at I engaged accordingly and was beat my poor cousin did all in his power to assist me but he was weak and a single stroke brought him to the ground I then became furious and received several smart blows some of which were aimed at Barnabredanna this quarrel so far increased the evil that to avoid their insults we could only show ourselves in the streets while they were employed at school End of Section 4 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmeyer Surrey Section 5 of Confessions Volumes 1 & 2 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Recording by Martin Giesen Confessions Volumes 1 & 2 by Jean-Jacques Rousseau Anonymously translated Section 5 I had already become a redresser of grievances there only wanted a lady in the way to be a nighterrant in form this defect was soon supplied I presently had two I frequently went to see my father at Nyon a small city in the Vaudois country where he was now settled being universally respected the affection entertained for him extended to me and during my visit the question seemed to be who should show me most kindness a Madame de Vuleson in particular loaded me with caresses and to complete all her daughter made me her gallant I need not explain what kind of gallant a boy of eleven must be to a girl of two and twenty the artful hussies know how to set these puppets up in front to conceal more serious engagements on my part I saw no inequality between myself and Mademoiselle Vuleson was flattered by the circumstance and went into it with my whole heart or rather my whole head for this passion certainly reached no further though it transported me almost to madness and frequently produced scenes sufficient to make even a cynic expire with laughter I have experienced two kinds of love equally real which have scarce any affinity yet differing materially from tender friendship my whole life has been divided between these affections and I have frequently felt the power of both at the same instant for example at the very time I so publicly and tyrannically claimed Mademoiselle Vuleson that I could not suffer any other of my sex to approach her I had short but passionate assignations with the Mademoiselle Gauton who thought proper to act the school mistress with me our meetings though absolutely childish afforded me the height of happiness I felt the whole charm of mystery and repaid Mademoiselle Vuleson in kind when she least expected it the use she made of me in concealing her amours to my great mortification this secret was soon discovered and I presently lost my young school mistress Mademoiselle Gauton was in fact a singular personage she was not handsome yet there was a certain something in her figure which could not easily be forgotten and this for an old fool I am too often convinced of her eyes in particular neither corresponded with her age her height nor her manner she had a lofty imposing air which agreed extremely well with the character she assumed but the most extraordinary part of her composition was the mixture of forwardness and reserve difficult to be conceived and while she took the greatest liberties with me would never permit any to be taken with her in return treating me precisely like a child this makes me suppose she had either ceased herself to be one or was yet sufficiently so to behold us play the danger to which this folly exposed her I was so absolutely in the power of both these mistresses that when in the presence of either I never thought of her who was absent in other respects the effects they produced on me bore no affinity I could have passed my whole life with Mademoiselle Vulcan without forming a wish to quit her but then my satisfaction was attended with a pleasing serenity and in numerous companies I was particularly charmed with her the sprightly sallies of her wit the arch glance of her eye even jealousy itself strengthened my attachment and I triumphed in the preference she seemed to bestow on me while addressed by more powerful rivals applause, encouragement and smiles gave animation to my happiness surrounded by a throng of observers I felt the whole force of love I was passionate, transported in a tetatet I should have been constrained, thoughtful, perhaps unhappy if Mademoiselle Vulcan was ill I suffered with her would willingly have given up my own health to establish hers and observe I knew the want of it from experience if absent she employed my thoughts I felt the want of her when present her caresses came with warmth and rapture to my heart though my senses were unaffected the familiarities she bestowed on me I could not have supported the idea of her granting to another I loved her with a brother's affection only but experienced all the jealousy of a lover with Mademoiselle Gautin this passion might have acquired a degree of fury I should have been a Turk, a tiger had I once imagined she bestowed her favours on any but myself the pleasure I felt on approaching Mademoiselle Vulcan was sufficiently ardent though unattended with uneasy sensations but at sight of Mademoiselle Gautin I felt myself bewildered every sense was absorbed in ecstasy I believe it would have been impossible to have remained long with her I must have been suffocated with the violence of my palpitations I equally dreaded giving either of them displeasure with one I was more complacent with the other more submissive I would not have offended Mademoiselle Vulcan for the world but if Mademoiselle Gautin had commanded me to throw myself into the flames I think I should have instantly obeyed her happily both for her and myself our amours or rather rendezvous were not of long duration and though my connection with Mademoiselle Vulcan was less dangerous after a continuance of some greater length that likewise had its catastrophe indeed the termination of a love affair is good for nothing unless it partakes of the romantic and can furnish out at least an exclamation though my correspondence with Mademoiselle Vulcan was less animated it was perhaps more endearing we never separated without tears and it can hardly be conceived what a void I felt in my heart I could neither think nor speak of anything but her these romantic sorrows were not affected though I am inclined to believe they did not absolutely centre in her for I am persuaded though I did not perceive it at that time being deprived of amusement for a considerable share in them to soften the rigor of absence we agreed to correspond with each other and the pathetic expressions these letters contained were sufficient to have split a rock in a word I had the honour of her not being able to endure the pain of separation she came to see me at Geneva my head was now completely turned and during the two days she remained here I was intoxicated with delight at her departure I would have thrown myself into the water after her and absolutely rent the air with my cries the week following she sent me sweet-meats, gloves etc this certainly would have appeared extremely gallant had I not been informed of her marriage at the same instant and that the journey I had thought proper to give myself the honour of was only to buy her wedding suit my indignation may easily be conceived I shall not attempt to describe it in this heroic fury I swore never more to see the perfidious girl supposing it's the greatest punishment that could be inflicted on her this however did not occasion her death for twenty years after while on a visit to my father being on the lake I asked who those ladies were in a boat not far from ours what said my father smiling does not your heart inform you it is your former flame it is Madame Christin or if you please mademoiselle Vulcan I started at the almost forgotten name and instantly ordered the waterman to turn off not judging it worthwhile to be perjured however favourable the opportunity for revenge in renewing a dispute of twenty years past with a woman of forty End of Section 5 Recording by Martin Geeson in Hazelmere Surrey Section 6 of Confessions Volumes 1 & 2 This LibriVox recording is in the public domain Recording by Martin Geeson Confessions Volumes 1 & 2 by Jean-Jacques Rousseau Anonymously translated Section 6 Thus before my future destination was determined did I fool away the most precious moments of my youth after deliberating a long time on the bent of my natural inclinations they resolved to dispose of me in a manner the most repugnant to them I was sent to Monsieur Masseron, the city register to learn according to the expression of my Uncle Bernard the thriving occupation of a scraper this nickname was inconceivably displeasing to me and I promised myself but little satisfaction in the prospect of heaping up money by a mean employment the aciduity and subjection required completed my disgust and I never set foot in the office without feeling a kind of horror which every day gained fresh strength Monsieur Masseron, who was not better pleased with my abilities than I was with the employment, treated me with disdain incessantly upbraiding me with being a fool and blockhead not forgetting to repeat that my Uncle had assured him I was a knowing one though he could not find that I knew anything that he had promised to furnish him with a sprightly boy but had in truth sent him an ass to conclude I was turned out of the registry with the additional ignominy of being pronounced a fool by all Monsieur Masseron's clerks and fit only to handle a file my vocation thus determined I was bound apprentice not however to a watchmaker but to an engraver and I had been so completely humiliated by the contempt of the register that I submitted without a murmur my master whose name was Monsieur Ducommon was a young man of a very violent and boorish character who contrived in a short time to tarnish all the amiable qualities of my childhood to stupify a disposition naturally sprightly and reduce my feelings as well as my condition to an absolute state of servitude I forgot my Latin history and antiquities I could hardly recollect whether such people as Romans ever existed when I visited my father he no longer beheld his idol nor could the ladies recognize the gallant Jean Jacques nay, I was so well convinced that Monsieur and Mademoiselle L'embersier would scarce receive me as their pupil that I endeavored to avoid their company and from that time have never seen them the vilest inclinations, the basest actions succeeded my amiable amusements and even obliterated the very remembrance of them I must have had, in spite of my good education a great propensity to degenerate else the declension could not have followed with such ease and rapidity for never did so promising a Caesar so quickly become a ladon the art itself did not displease me I had a lively taste for drawing there was nothing displeasing in the exercise of the graver and as it required no very extraordinary abilities to attain perfection as a watch case engraver I hoped to arrive at it perhaps I should have accomplished my design if unreasonable restraint added to the brutality of my master had not rendered my business disgusting I wasted his time and employed myself in engraving medals which served me and my companions as a kind of insignia for a new invented order of chivalry and though this differed very little from my usual employ I considered it as a relaxation unfortunately my master caught me at this contraband labour and a severe beating was the consequence he reproached me at the same time with attempting to make counterfeit money because our medals bore the arms of the Republic though I can truly avert I had no conception of false money and very little of the true knowing better how to make a Roman ass than one of our thropony pieces my master's tyranny rendered insupportable that labour I should otherwise have loved and drove me to vices I naturally despised such as falsehood, idleness and theft nothing ever gave me a clearer demonstration of the difference between filial dependence and abject slavery than the remembrance of the change produced in me at that period hitherto I had enjoyed a reasonable liberty this I had suddenly lost I was enterprising at my father's free at Monsieur l'enversis discreet at my uncle's but with my master I became fearful and from that moment my mind was visciated accustomed to live on terms of perfect equality to be witness of no pleasures I could not command to see no dish I was not to partake of or be sensible of a desire I might not express to be able to bring every wish of my heart to my lips water transition at my master's I was scarce allowed to speak was forced to quit the table without tasting what I most longed for and the room when I had nothing particular to do there was incessantly confined to my work while the liberty my master and his journeymen enjoyed served only to increase the weight of my subjection when disputes happened to arise though conscious that I understood the subject better than any of them I dared not offer my opinion in a word everything I saw became an object of desire for no other reason than because I was not permitted to enjoy anything farewell gaiety ease those happy turns of expression which formerly even made my faults escape correction I recollect with pleasure a circumstance which happened at my father's which even now makes me smile being for some fault ordered to bed without my supper as I was passing through the kitchen with my poor morsel of bread in my hand I saw the meat turning on the spit my father and the rest were round the fire I must bow to everyone as I passed when I had gone through this ceremony leering with a wistful eye at the roast meat which looked so inviting and smelt so savoury I could not abstain from making that a bow likewise adding in a pitiful tone goodbye roast meal this unpremeditated pleasantry put them in such good humour that I was permitted to stay and partake of it perhaps the same thing might have produced a similar effect at my master's but such a thought could never have occurred to me or if it had I should not have had courage to express it thus I learned to covet, disemble, lie and at length to steal a propensity I never felt the least idea of before though since that time I have never been able entirely to divest myself of it desire and inability united naturally led to this vice which is the reason pilfering is so common among footmen and apprentices the latter as they grow up and find themselves in a situation where everything is at their command lose this shameful propensity as I never experienced the advantage I never enjoyed the benefit good sentiments, ill directed frequently lead children into vice not withstanding my continual wants and temptations it was more than a year before I could resolve to take even eatables my first theft was occasioned by complacence but it was productive of others which had not so plausible an excuse End of section 6 Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmere, Surrey