 Hello and welcome to Harsh Critique. Every single time I do one of these I feel like I want to pull my own hair out and I'm sure today won't be any different. Today we're doing a Patreon requested critique of an SCP article so let's dive into it. All right we got the item number, we got the object class oh I'm not yeah not optimistic already just from look at all the addendums one two three four five six seven eight addendums I can't possibly be good it there's eight addendums but the description is what three sentences long oh god all right well let's dive into it I guess. is to be contained within a humanoid containment cell with a lead lined form fitting box that's not what a bot no nope what you're meaning is a lead line box probably with foam on the inside to fit it yeah that's what's what you mean and it's what you should say if that's what you mean access to SCP xxx for any reason comma yeah that's a weird sentence structure you've got going on there access to SCP xxx for any reason pause is restricted to those with level three clearance and above it's only to be moved from its containment when reality anchors are set in place and turned on is required to be moved containment cells once a week under the supervision of the project lead I don't mind you having the project lead for this because instead of a named person which is what a lot of people do but you capitalized the project lead as though it's a proper title not to mention just basic grammar is required to be moved containment cells once a week I think you mean is required to be moved is is required to be moved is required to be transferred between containment cells probably oh god if project lead is unavailable at the time when begins to show signs of unrest emergency powers are to be given to the senior researcher on site emergency powers to do what it doesn't explain it just goes right into failed transportation what you can't just say emergency powers and what do you mean oh man any failed transportation is to be documented in any personnel present at the time of failure are to be quarantined and contained as instances of SCP xxx-1 uh that wasn't a laugh that was a cough that was a laugh these instances of SCP xxx-1 are to be held at site 88 nice uh site 88 is the site that I write a lot of my articles into my restless nature of SCP xxx is noted during test log three what don't tell me that in the special containment procedures that has nothing to do with the containment procedures the restless nature also that's super off tone your tone's kind of iffy to begin with but it wasn't enough to be pointed out but the restless nature is super bad clinical tone jesus note as any special containment procedures what you don't need to differentiate if there's a separate set of special containment procedures covers everything it doesn't just I mean and you've already got it covering the SCP xxx-1 in things I guess what you're trying to say is like maybe the dash two instances is sort of a new thing but even if like I wouldn't make a differentiated like a bold big bold title for the second set of containment procedures but if you're gonna just be like new stuff is going on that kind of thing not what you have when further yeah because it's when further information is after this will be updated to reflect such events just say that at the beginning like you don't even need to you don't need to preface it with a bold note description oh man I read it had a little bit in my head here scp is an oval shaped container resembling an egg with markings and engravings of unknown origin scp xxx is currently unknown scp the scp is currently known to only be active when touched by human skin living or otherwise come on you can it's only active when it's touched by human skin what does active mean you can't just skip that part this draft come on currently undergoing testing and research due to the circumstances of its discovery of course that means you must immediately go into an addendum covering the discovery which you don't even need an addendum for you just put in the description proper after you finish describing your anomaly what's anomalous about this it's just a it's just an oval it's just an egg it's another fxxk an egg and here we abandoned clinical tone entirely great the scp was found visited on the desk a high ranking member of the o5 council when the council member walked into her office at the beginning of the day it was simply waiting for her simply she immediately called an anomaly containment team to remove it from her desk when the team arrived on site they attempted to move clad with standard anomaly clad with mother fxxker anomaly removal gear standard anomaly every anomaly is different this is the problem with the idea of thinking there are standard things you can do that's the whole point of the scp document as a as a concept right is that there is no standard you can have a few little things but like uh let's put on our anomaly removal gear oh like that's an actual thing of course it's an o5 member a high ranking member of the o5 council by the way not just any member because the o5 council is literally the highest ranking members of the foundation like o5 4 is the same as o5 7 it's oh my god and if you're going to say a high ranking member the o5 council just name them but don't even use o5 there's no reason why why the council member was instructed to move office switch offices any other way to phrase that that makes sense rather than move office move office you move office you i caveman you move office now while scp xxx was present i have an o5 council member encounters an anomaly calls an anomaly containment team but the team is the one that has to be like oh by the way you shouldn't be in here while we're doing this scp asa has caused great alarm in the facility again with the clinical tone not just not being there with no other options no other options you haven't described anything about this is this dangerous or even weird it showed up in her office what someone could have left that this could be the word this could be a prank someone just like left an egg on her desk has great alarm in the facility with no other options they set up a makeshift testing chamber by lining the walls with lead and covering the windows they then why they then had d class go into the chamber and attempt to move it with different tools and items once d class one d classes are to pick up with their bare hands by doing so it was picked up with great ease anytime anytime in a clinical document that you feel a need to put quotes around something pick something else you don't have to quote the person involved your job is to rephrase it in a way that is going to be clearly understandable to the audience and in this but in in universe it's clearly understandable to anyone reading it that's the point of clinical tone if you give up on that and just go well joe said it was easy to pick up like there's no point in doing that sva also revealed some of its anomalous properties by lighting up I know what you mean now sort of like it's it's an egg that lit up which again still is an anomalous but when you say it revealed some of its anomalous properties by lighting up I'm just imagining an egg smoking something something advertiser friendly by the way when put in a containment box to be transported became immovable immobile I think maybe is the word you're looking for here and the boss was unable to be lifted confused they had the d-class who had put oh my god oh yeah you just completely abandon your clinical tone for this like you're not even trying anymore into the box to attempt to lift it once more he did so was then escorted to a containment cell where it would be hell all right all right let's keep going let's just subject the object procedure to d-class personnel send into the room d-class one is instructed to dawn the latex gloves placed on the plastic table next to the wooden table oh my god you don't need to go into this much detail come on this is just words for words sake this is just in look I know look I know when you were in school or you were in college and people were like write a 20 page essay on subject and you just had to fill things up with uh filler words and all this other stuff don't do that for this is instructed to don the latex gloves the latex gloves which we've already been introduced to latex gloves they've been a character they went to my brother's wedding the latex gloves placed on the plastic table next to the wooden table let's be very specific here this is just work like it's just words for words sake is given instructions to pick it up with an instructor to throw you could during the uh what is wrong with these people during the time it took d-class one to dawn the latex gloves it seemed to glow a red hue as if to indicate distaste you cannot be attributing emotional factors to an egg especially when up to this point nothing and I do mean nothing that you've described would indicate to me that this is an emotional egg the red hue then subsided and gave off a distinct blue and yellow glow the red hue gave off a blue and yellow glow kind of synastructure is that when d-class two through capitalize your t for no reason to d-class one wait that's just the whole sentence usually when you say when something did something there's like an after like a consequence in the same sentence so it'd be like when d-class two through s e p x x x to d-class one the whole world exploded you you have to have something that happens after that or else it doesn't make any sense when d-class one attempted to catch he was thrown to the floor from the weight uh to help was told to stop why after 36 is struggling and began to complain of a temperature 30 seconds of a temperature based discomfort in his hands that were under rhythm can glow red again after four minutes had reached an extreme brightness bathing the entire and no one's like oh let's just see what happens screams and cries of pain all at once the light receded cooling down to a blue and yellow glow as seen when being held by open hands was then instructed to put it back in the containment like i mean like all at once anytime anyone uses something like all at once i'm always reminded of that poem the end of the world by archmal mcleish like quite unexpectedly the top blew off yeah the problem with it is that it's not clinical obviously but at the same time not only is it non-clinical it's not descriptive enough it doesn't tell me what the f**k is going on all at once but it's just you don't even need the beginning of that sentence it could just be the light receded but what is cooling down to a blue and yellow you can't describe a light cooling down i know what you mean because a blue color is cooler than i want to say cooler i mean like literally in the sense of red being hot and blue being cold colors but of course when it comes to actual temperature blue is way hotter than red so just like yellow is very is hotter than red it's not way hotter but in actual temperatures like if you heat something up and it's red it's hot if it's yellow it's very hot if it's blue it is incredibly hot so when you say something cools down from red to blue i'm like what the f**k are you talking about you're using the wrong words for everything the conclusion come to by researchers again your tone everything that says is as follows sb is activated by touch but big caps around but could you imagine getting an official report with big caps around a butt like that we'll just start italicizing things like but can only be safely held by bare skin i mean come on after some other similar tests why would you like the idea that something like okay all right all right all right this was a really interesting test lots of interesting things happen let's do the exact same thing over and over again after some other similar tests the researchers have which you don't show and you've got a test log too right beneath this i can see it but you don't do anything about it after some other similar tests the researchers have concluded the researchers no one specific have concluded that it was touched by bear if touched by human but through some means of thin protection will increase its external temperature to the melting point of that object in order to in an attempt okay you're again you're ascribing human motives to this thing it is it is trying to a touch your skin no it's not it is doing things that may lead to that but it doesn't have a motivation it's just an object at least so far you haven't given me that this is a human being like object you haven't given me that this is got a personality or emotions i mean you keep describing it in the narrative as though it has emotions like it got angry and turned red you know or in this case it's trying to touch people's skin but you haven't described the object in your three sentence description in a way that tells me that this is a sentient or sapient or any kind of intelligent object like whatever test log two okay here we go tendy class version now we're sending into its containment cell number of them work i get this because it's still a draft it's fine they were closed in a full body lead shield during previous says it's covered they gave off a very faint amount of radio wait hold on this is this literally is test two so you said there were similar tests done after test one so this isn't test two that they're internal consistency is not here during previous says it was discovered that it gave off a very faint amount of radiation while active it was thought to it was thought of to test a diverse group i'm not even gonna talk about the tonal problems anymore because like it's obvious it's pervasive we're just gonna we're just gonna move on it was thought of to detest a diverse group of personnel to see if oh no oh no to see if a specific racial group or gender caused it to give off more radiation we had the d-class pass the object from one to another in a circle oh dear the 3d class with the lead line suits are not to what are they there for then also apparently the number was three as the test took place it was passed between a Caucasian male and female an Asian male and female and an African male and female and a Caucasian male with red hair the results are as follows normal radiation why would anyone think of this as a test like what indication did this thing give that this was a possibility this is why you need another test in between if you're gonna do it this way like there needs to be some sort of lead up to this it just comes out of nowhere hey let's see if the angry red egg is racist Caucasian male normal radiation output Caucasian female in spite of abnormal but not unsafe levels Asian male normal same thing for Asian female is the Caucasian female African female a spike but very small hike you probably meant spike there i'm just gonna say compared unless you just compared to the even the Caucasian female spike red haired Caucasian male the radiation spikes need to match that of the African female okay what's wrong with these people all right and it's just pretty inconclusive i can't tell if it's racist or not let's do a lot more tests i want to see if this egg is racist oh this makes no fucking sense at all none what inclusion really reaches that it seems to output radiation at random so they've discovered it's not racist although they've decided to this the wider pool of satellites before they come to a conclusion like it's probably not racist but let's check again with more people also by the way nothing about the above indicates that it's random because every female had a radiation spike that's not random that's not how any of those words work during the exits from the containment cell the Caucasian female fell unconscious i'm not no no i got a racist egg is what we got here i'm forgoing all clinical tone because she is coming with what clinical tone the end of this top secret is not to be seen here without a level four clearance an incident noted at the end of tesla 2 following as an audio log taken from a terminal outside an elevator in wing h start of audio log i am forgoing all clinical tone because she is coming first of all this is the writer telling you that they're not going to use clinical tone in this because they don't want to have to use it because it's you know a normal person talking or whatever but second of all there never was any clinical tone in this article and don't do that you don't have to say it just give it the context alone should say it you're telling me a context when you're not showing me a context my name is dr. Emma twiss i am a researcher at site 64 many containers human owners she you're calling it she she doesn't seem to be interested in other anomalous human oids located down here she she just wants us an explosion can be heard in the background where are you mommy miss twinkle wants to have tea a grown woman can be heard saying this in a background a grown woman oh god save me we were running somebody after she woke up and mommy i don't know no one much closer now than i heard i'm making the voice of a child help me dr. twiss pleads into the panel for us in yes baby do you want me to play with miss riss twinkle the woman continues yes sweetie would you like to go pick your room to play no i want to play here a loud stomp is heard over the mic ding the sounds of an elevator of ding you actually wrote ding the sounds of an elevator doors opening can be heard every switch apps sounds of gun cocking who are you i didn't invite you did you invite them miss riss twinkle miss riss twinkle didn't invite you either after this the sound of wind gushing when gushing and then gunshots fills the microphone the sound of three bodies hitting the floor can be heard afterwards that was a close one sarge a male voice is heard wrong dr. twiss can be heard you dispatched an instance of scp xx xx xx one with the mental faculties of a child which turned out to be which turns out to be very dangerous you are constantly introducing random elements that have no narrative through thread like there's nothing that connects this to the thing that came before there's nothing that connects the thing that came before the thing that came before none of this makes any sense you just throw a bunch of random together and be like all right that's an scp for you you don't understand what's going on well you're not supposed to understand what's going on fucking hell subject the object procedure wait now you've gone the opposite direction from going from way too much information to way too little information wait the result is simply waiting simply waiting i know i said i wasn't gonna talk about tone but come on come on for three and a half days they can't seem uneasy rocking from side to side again you're ascribing motives to this object which up until now this i still don't understand what the fuck was going on in the previous log so up till now i don't understand why you're ascribing any human motives to this egg after seven days the restlessness increased it threw itself off the table shattering the containment box it was held it it was held it yep that's thing it began to roll from side to side build speed as it went i think you're accidentally to word there eventually gained enough speed to shatter the bulletproof glass between itself and the research team having thought of this outcome project lead jim cas caught in his open palm as he had expected nothing happened came to a complete stop in his palm and there was no way adversely affected and walked with it under his arm back to the famous cell side on the table it would seem that during long times of no contact with human skin the object begins to grow restless and do anything and will do anything i'm imagining what you mean to say to meet with human skin once more it seems very similar to scp and then it will do anything to reach its goal mother you know i was thinking of scp 093 as it was going along and now i realized it's probably just how you uh inspired yourself to write that single test log which again has no narrative connection to anything that came before subject the objects it's a collective test of four through 30 no a collective log of tests four through 36 i think it's what you mean to say here for brevity's sake these were all replications of test two as it was through at least now finally finally a narrative thread that actually connects to something that happened before as it was through a larger pool of test subjects was wait what okay let's try this sentence again these were all replications of test two as it was though a larger pool of test subjects was needed for testing thought that's the word that's missing it or not missing but that's the word that's misspelled in such a way as thought it was thought a larger pool listen it still doesn't work really but it explains why my brain was like what the hell's going on here although due to the events described in redacted we have taken extra repercussions precautions i'm pretty sure what you mean we've taken extra repercussions all declass personal work garbed oh wow not clad this time with radiation hazard suits and only their hands are to be uncovered then they're not protected from radiation that's not really how a radiation hazard suit works like ah yes the rest of your body is fine but your hands we're going to expose that to massive amounts of radiation therefore you will only lose your hands because that's how radiation works right of course these 32 tests we had a group of more than 200 unique individuals participate you have a numbers right here the results are as follows okay those aren't results that's a listing of the numbers of people involved which you don't need because you already said more than 200 unique individuals although you could have given an exact number and then directly below it you show some 15 Caucasian males sent the radiation upwards that's half of them non-reached dangerous levels 12 Caucasian females caused the radiation to spike four of these are each dangerous levels that's less than half 16 in one of these mid-race scanners go haywire and the room was filled with flash of light the d-class who this happened to immediately fell unconscious he was removed from the testing continuum 16 Asian females caused the radiation to spike none of which reached deadly levels 20 of these reached unsafe levels there were a total of five bright flashes and unconscious d-class and i tell you that your whole is the egg racist thing probably needs to go like there's nothing about this is interesting and i'm i'm just not sure what it's trying to get at and conclusion the third level is at 3 for deadly encounters 19 for unsafe encounters and 47 chance of increasing radiation after incident audio log was reviewed it was determined that any future in order to be moved to site 88 for better security measures providing provided that there are provided there that we here are okay every time i run into one of these weird center structures my brain wants to try and fix it and then eventually just get lost so let's try this again for better security measures provided there that we here at site 64 he's changed he's been acting the special container procedures and is to be and are are plural changes be strictly followed with no exceptions after the prisoner break incident also prisoner break incident what oh it's because in the audio i guess in the audio log it's considered a prisoner break incident i love your quotations those make things way easier for me to understand what's going on can you tell that i'm being sarcastic if not i'm being sarcastic i also get a visitor remain on high alert when near it or any of its sub anomalies the fuck discoveries have been made recently addendum new discoveries discoveries nice opening good to know it was found in the plains of southern england during an archaeological dig near stone hinge an ancient worship center was unearthed this center contain many corridors and objects much of which were non anomalous that's a senate structure was unearthed period this center it's where you need a period right after between unearthed and this contain many corridors and objects most of which were non anomalous and what is in this what is believed to be a worship center there is a room stands in the midst of the corridors and hallways being big enough to approximately hold 200 humanoids this is believed to be the main hall wow your senate structure fell apart you went from at least mostly coherent to completely incoherent in the space of one lock wow foundation was called in a deal with an anomalous object in the center of this main room the object is egg shaped and has engraving and markings of unknown origins being similar in look and in look and properties wow to sv xxx the foundation has classified this as an instance of sv xxx too this instance will be held at site 64 for further study and experimentation all right listen up motherfucker the solution to your problems here is simple you have created a boring object and because it's boring to begin with three sentences long in the description are you out of your fucking mind you cannot have eight addendums for an article with a three sentence description at least you can't do so if nothing in the description explains anything about why it's why is this why should this why should i read more what about that first what about this draws you in that you can think of like come on think about it you're looking at this article you're reading it you read the first you read the special containment procedures which are very seldomly the part that's going to hook people it's it's where a lot of people find their hooks but more often than not it's not what's going to hook them what's going to hook somebody is a sentence in the description something that makes them go away what and then continue to read nothing about this an oval shaped container resembling an egg with markings engravings of an unknown origin it's currently known to only be active when touched by human skin it's undergoing testing that's it that's your description i mean and it's been a while around for a little while because the test logs indicate at least several months worth of testing so they should know more about it and of course they do know more about it because what what are they the description has to cover everything it should cover the xxx-1 instances it should cover the xxx-2 instances everything in the description should describe the object why is it anomalous and then you go into your test logs and the first test log is pretty simple and in fact okay the first test log gives you something to go off of although the test is incredibly strangely constructed they're like all right let's let it let's let it just kill this guy as far as i know it doesn't kill him but like they just let it the sags sit on him it's like ah i'm dying i'm dying it's and then they just they're just like mm-hmm mm-hmm yep you just imagine like they're behind the glass screen like stroking their beers going yes yes take write that down yes he's screaming he's screaming in pain yes yes let's write that down it just whatever it's for some people that's what the foundation is weirdly enough that that's their view of what the foundation is it's three guys standing behind glass one two d class die in a room going yes that's quite interesting scribble scribble scribble scribble scribble uh yes there's blood everywhere and you see how far over winter there yes it's uh let's write that down that's some people for some people that's what the foundation is like there's not an interesting story it's not interesting people just yes death destruction it's so normal which i get i get the draw that it's just all right let's keep going here the problem is your test line you then and then you just i don't know where you're just like i wonder if this egg is racist yeah let's take that yeah let's check it out i'm like that's your thought that's your that's your like oh and where does that come from it doesn't come from anywhere like i do not suggest you follow this light of inquiry but if you do your first test log could have been between two people of various whatever's and like radiation could have done and then you do another test and the opposite way and no radiation comes off of it and you go huh why did one of them cause radiation one of them not cause radiation and then you do your radiation test and maybe you check to see if it's male or female and maybe you check to see if it's Caucasian or Asian or African or red hair or red hair like look how red hair to separate it out like it's its own ethnicity that's that's just fantastic i don't understand this whole aside by the way this whole side is strange and needs to go let's just move on i'm not even gonna worry about it and it doesn't connect anything like the urgent top secret addendum there's a person walking around you don't tell us what the bash two instances are just for the stupid audio log that still doesn't tell you anything i love the idea though that they do just say what happens if we don't do nothing then it just starts going i want to touch people and then shoots through the window oh man and then they're like no but really is it racist with the next logs we're gonna test this 32 more times to check yeah but is it racist you have no strong narrative through line you have no characters that stick around ah you've got nothing like you yeah nothing at all all right the first thing i will always suggest when i tell people how to fix a thing is pick especially in flash fiction pick one character and focus on how the object affects them and that is always your best bet for a flash fiction piece like this especially since you do introduce a doctor Emma twist he's a researcher at site 64 use her tell her story how is she affected by the weird possibly racist egg oh my god i am just out of my you know what i feel sometimes like you people are not even trying i feel like you're wiping your ass with a draft and tossing it to me like i'm the f*** and told it to flush it down and the weird part is i know that's not true it feels like it every time i read one of these things because it doesn't feel like they're trying but i know they are not only are they trying they're tossing it to me not to throw it away not to get rid of it but to try and make it better but there's nothing here three sentence description you can't do that you give me a draft with a three sentence description what the f*** am i supposed to do with that you don't describe your scp object there's nothing here but a set of eight logs with completely random things going on in it there's nearly no narrative structure at all and by the way your clinical tone throughout the piece is bad and all of the ways that i've explained it to you i can't help you people until you learn to help yourself are you not listening to me are you listening at all to the previous things i've said in previous videos i honest to god want my viewers and subscribers and this isn't everybody by the way but i want all of you to get better at this but if you're not going to listen i don't understand what the f*** i'm doing here so come on please for the sake of my sanity f***ing stop doing this and this isn't just about harsh critique by the way i choose to do this because i find it particularly entertaining for my audience and i think you guys enjoy it mostly is it just about your drafts in general like okay get out of your own head that's the best bet here you know why this description is three sentences long because the writer knows exactly what the f*** is going on and rather than communicate that to the audience they assumed that the audience understood what was already in their head and then they wrote their article that's why this article has a three sentence description and that's you can't teach that i guess you can't teach people to stay out of their own heads you can't teach people that what's you know and what the other person you're talking to that's just basic empathy understand that other people have thoughts different than your own okay i don't know what the f*** this article is about i know for a fact that the writer knows what the f*** is going on and wants to communicate it to the audience and this is what they came up with and it is incredibly disheartening so anyway that's me taking down something that paid me twenty dollars to review their article oh my god what do you people do this to yourselves and me i don't know i don't know oh my god all right i'm gonna i'm gonna calm down i'm gonna settle myself and then i am going to thank people from my patreon and and i'll do my outro just give me a second all right if you like the video please hit the subscribe button hit the notification bell out next to that so you get notified when a new video comes out and i'd like to thank two new patreon backers one the twenty dollar pledge of logan peterson and the five dollar pledge of salvator lodado thank you guys very much for helping support me it's the kind of thing that makes videos like today sting a little bit less i appreciate all my patrons quite a lot and everyone else in the audience as well even if sometimes i don't sound like it i love you guys you're the guys helping me get closer and closer to doing this for a living and that is an amazing feeling regardless of how i feel right now i'm going to pin a comment in this video and i will give you guys an opportunity to submit new drafts to me for the next harsh critique don't worry it doesn't hurt me physically to do these just emotionally and mentally that's all so and plus people like them if you want to join my patreon like everybody else on the screen right now you can head on over to patreon.com forward slash d samarian thank you very much for watching and i will see you on tuesday