 How to look like a pro cyclist. If you're a casual cycling observer, you may think that cycling is all about who can ride their bike the fastest. But that is where you'd be wrong. Cycling is actually all about looking like you can ride your bike fast. So fast in fact that companies are willing to pay you to ride your bike fast. The reality of course is that you work a regular nine to five job and you only have a couple Strava KOMs on your race resume. But as long as you look like a professional cyclist, none of that matters. If you follow these specific tips that I'm about to lay out for you, people will think that you're a pro when you show up to the group ride. Now, let me specify here. When I say people, I'm talking about fellow cyclists. Everyone else will just think that you're a massive tool. If and when you get dropped from the group revealing your non-pro status, feel free to use any one of these excuses from this approved list of cycling excuses, including I drank too much last night, I didn't eat enough this morning, I ate too much this morning, my CTL's too high, my ATL's too low, my brakes are rubbing, et cetera. All right, let's go ahead and jump into the tips. Step one, ride a pro bike. You may have heard the phrase slam your stem, which means having your stem in the lowest position it can be on the steer tube. Why would you put your back through this kind of agony while riding? Because pros with far more time riding in that position and far more flexibility than you, slam their stems. Therefore, you need to suck it up and do it too. Every spacer that you put underneath your stem is a signal to the other riders in the group that you take the sport about as seriously as you take your finances, which is not at all after you blew half your savings on a top of the line carbon bike to look more like your favorite pro rider who rides the same bike. The only difference is they didn't pay a dime for their bike and in fact, they actually get paid to ride that bike. But that's beside the point. If you don't have the top of the line frame model, electronic shifting and carbon wheels, you're gonna be off the back. Not literally off the back because being off the back is dependent on how strong the rider you are, but metaphorically. Unsightly accessories like saddlebags, extra water bottle cages, reflectors, lights, fenders, et cetera are unacceptable. Now, I know what you're thinking. What if I get a flat or another mechanical or I get caught in the rain or I don't make it home before dark? That's what the team car is for. If you don't have a team car, then just use your riding buddy. Step two, have a pro kit. A pro kit needs two things. One to be completely matching with overly flashy colors and two to be aggressively tight fitting, both of which will make the barista at your mid ride coffee stop, question why they came into work today. A pro kit also needs to look like the side of a NASCAR in that it's riddled with sponsors. Having a sponsor is the telltale sign that you are a badass cyclist. If you're too slow to get a sponsor, then it's acceptable to wear the kit of a pro team that you're not affiliated with at all. This trick will have everyone at the group ride thinking that you do in fact ride for the US Postal Service and they'll be very impressed or suspicious. Step three, tan lines. Pros ride their bikes so much that they develop razor sharp tan lines, especially on the quads where the bib shorts stop. So what do you do if you ride your bike one tenth as much as a pro on a good week? You set aside tanning sessions. No, I didn't mean to say training sessions, tanning sessions where you lay out in the sun in your kit and you have to make sure that your bibs in jerseys line up perfectly every time. Make sure that you wear sunglasses that are way too big and your helmet so you can get that sunglasses and helmet strap tan going as well. Step four, socks. Cyclists take socks very seriously both in height and design. So much so that there's actually a UCI rule against having socks that are too high. That's right, it's actually illegal for pros to look, well, not pro. This is how ingrained this sock issue is in cycling culture. As a cyclist, you're also required to ruthlessly bash triathletes for not wearing socks. And with good reason too, can you imagine how bad their cycling shoes must smell? They probably stink worse than their ability to handle their bike in a corner. Honestly, this video could have been five seconds long and I would have just said, whatever a triathlete does, do the opposite. Anyways, back to socks. Socks need to come up to just below your calf. This completely arbitrary height is important to nail. Too low and you'll look like a runner and too high and you'll look like a runner. Your socks should also either match your kit perfectly or have an obnoxious design or both, preferably both. There's also a very heated debate about whether you should wear black shoes, black socks, white shoes, white socks, black shoes, white socks, or white shoes, black socks. Whatever your stance, be ready to argue your point with your riding mate because that's a good use of your time. Step five, talk like a pro. Pros talk about things like how high their FTP is, how many Strava KOMs they have, how many Zwift races they've crushed and how many Fred's they've dropped on the bike path. These are all appropriate topics to bring up at your next group ride. And when talking about these topics, be sure to list off some excuses to make whatever it is you're talking about sound more impressive. Yeah, man, I just broke 600 watts for my FTP. Not bad for someone who only rides three times a week. Not bad for a dude with eight kids. Not bad for someone who just started riding like two weeks ago. Not bad for a 73-year-old man. Not bad for someone who's fully keto. That's right, I haven't had a single carbohydrate in three weeks. That is, of course, unless you're counting beer. Now, to be fair, I've never actually talked to a pro cyclist, but I imagine that this is probably how their conversations go. Step six, ride like a pro. Yeah, you can just disregard this one. It's not important.