 What up peeps welcome back to the anxious truth. This is episode number 172 172 I am Drew lince a lot a creator and host of this fine program welcome back to the show Today we're gonna talk about Something that might make you feel a little bit like personally attacked or called out and by the way you guys always Cracked me up when you say that I feel I feel called out. I feel personally attacked You always make me laugh with that stuff But today is one of those topics where you might you might have that feeling he's calling me out Man, I feel a personally attacked. We are gonna talk about a very common obstacle to recovery a very common Mistake that comes up along the way for most people right most people. I had this mistake, too I did this we're gonna talk about refusing to take the lessons that the universe is giving us that reality is giving us Along the way to recovery right there are lessons that have to be learned The reason why we do these hard and scary things on purpose is to learn lessons from them And the lessons are presented to us by reality by by the reality of the world But often we refuse to take those lessons. We don't see them We we remain blind to them and we don't want to take them. So we refuse to learn the lessons Let me explain what that means. I know that sounds a little weird, but but let's get into it The first thing I want to do is point out again Because I've talked about this before the irrational nature of anxiety It is irrational by nature and by design Disordered anxiety the kind of anxiety that you're probably dealing with if you're listening to this podcast or reading my books and that sort of stuff is irrational by nature Irrational because the threat response the fear that you feel the anxiety the fear the dread the need to run Those are all real. Those are not in your head. Those are real that fear is very real Just that the danger underneath it is not It's either not Existent or the danger has been blown up magnified distorted twisted so far out of shape For example, your finger tingles for two seconds and you go into a blind panic because you think that that means you are having a stroke So that is real fear that panic that dread that worry. That's real But the danger underneath it you're having a stroke because your finger was tingly for two seconds is not real Or it is so Microscopically real that it but your brain your anxiety that overactive lizard brain and overactive oversensitive threat response has magnified it Twisted it distorted way out of control. So a little thing, you know tingling your finger becomes. Oh my god I'm having a stroke call 911 That's the irrational part of anxiety and it's irrational because it doesn't understand logic you've been trying to logic your way out of this and Think your way out of this for a long time probably and it doesn't listen Right. I've done podcast episodes on this I thought one of them was the most popular one was called how to talk to your anxiety And I talked at length in that episode about how you cannot use logic You can't convince your amygdala your lizard brain to stop doing what it's doing. It's not doesn't doesn't listen So it's irrational It doesn't understand reason and logic and it twists and magnifies and distorts and even makes stuff up out of the thin air Right out of the blue. It'll totally make stuff up. That doesn't even exist. It is irrational by nature It is also very selfish and self-centered. I did a podcast episode a while ago About the selfish nature of anxiety not that you are selfish and self-centered, but your anxiety is and It's you know, it's not sentient But we sometimes anthropomorphize and we attach like human characteristics or anxiety to help us explain and understand it And that's fine. So we can think of anxiety the type of anxiety you're dealing with as very selfish and self-centered It will always bring everything back to itself. How does this going to make me feel? So when you were suddenly jolted at a bed at 3 o'clock in the morning because there are fire trucks and ambulances two doors down and The sirens and the lights and you get woken up You may think oh boy, I hope my neighbor is okay, but then your anxiety will slide right in Slide right in like both guns blazing. How's this gonna make me feel? Right, so everything automatically gets brought back to it How is this gonna trigger us is this gonna trigger the anxiety is gonna make me worse Am I gonna panic and we're gonna feel bad? What if I don't go back to sleep? What about tomorrow? I'm gonna be tired Then I'll be anxious. I don't like that. I'm gonna be I can't cope. It's gonna be too much That's what anxiety does that's what this kind of anxiety does it is a rational and it will insert itself as the Primary player as the most important thing in every situation. It always wants to be the most important thing in your life All the time give me give me give me You've given me a whole lot of attention says anxiety, but give me some more. I need more more more So it is irrational and it is selfish and self-centered and this plays into what we're talking about today Which is sometimes the refusal or inability or unwillingness to receive the lessons of recovery that the universe in reality Is giving you so let's use the example of an agoraphobic person We will have an imaginary friend who is battling agoraphobia. She's been agoraphobic for years And she hasn't left her house without herself a safe person in months and she has decided I need to fix this So, okay, I need to start actually doing the things that trigger my anxiety and my fear I have to do them I to do them incrementally systematically consistently. We know the drill, right? And she's going to start with very small exposure. She's been sitting out on her front step now She's been wandering out into a garden and today Her exposure our gork for agoraphobic friend her expo her planned exposures to sit in her garden for 15 minutes And so she gets ready and she does that and predictably because she is afraid to do that when she steps out into her garden and Attempts to sit there for 15 minutes. She feels all the feels Her heart begins to race and she begins to breathe heavy She starts to get hot and coal flashes her vision gets a little bit wonky and she starts to have all those terrible What if scary thoughts? What if I pass out? What if I lose control? What if my DPD are my my dissociation gets so bad that it's permanent? What if I never get back from this? What if I can never calm down? What if I snap? What if this kills me? What if I have a stroke all the horrible catastrophic thinking and the physical sensations those uncomfortable sensations They all happen Predictably she knew that was going to happen and she's chosen to do that intentionally because she wants to get better and And she sits with those feelings in her garden for 15 minutes And she's doing her very best to relax into them and maintain her focus and pay attention to what she wants to But the thoughts are loud and scary and she hears them all because that's the way this works And she feels all those terrible sensations But she does it she does it 15 minutes are up her timer is up and she goes back in her house And here's where things get dicey. This is where refusal or inability to to learn the lesson presented Pops up. This is where the mistake happens When she gets back into the house because the exposure is over and this is where the learning happens is after the exposure is over Consider that she is now in a classroom. She's now sitting in a classroom in front of that classroom with a giant megaphone Really worked up in a lather is her anxiety and it is pacing back and forth and screaming into that megaphone that bullhorn That was terrible Did you feel that oh my god? I thought my heart was gonna explode. Did you feel how hard our heart was pounding? Oh my god. I felt like I couldn't get a deep breath. That was terrible. We should never repeat that We were so close to losing control. I thought I was gonna lose control Did you feel that did you feel how terrible that was an anxiety will take over that classroom and Pace back and forth and be very demonstrative and pound its fist on the desk in the front of the room and scream into that bullhorn and Tell you that the lesson of that exposure was that you should not do that exposure again because it was awful and Disaster was narrowly averted Only by some dumb luck some some divine Providence did our friend the agoraphobic managed to escape the worst Permanent dissociation insanity loss of control death permanent incapacitation passing out vomiting having to be brought to a hospital Never coming out of the panic state only by some stroke of luck. Did those things not happen? Says anxiety in the front of the classroom trying to teach her that lesson That is the lesson that creates the agoraphobia and drives Her avoidance and her escape and has for many years and has kept her restricted and homebound for the most for the most part sitting in the back of the room Very timidly eating its lunch and speaking in a very quiet voice is reality Is the universe and every once in a while it whispers, but none of those things really happened It's trying to deliver the lesson of the exposure the most important lesson of the exposure. I Know you felt really bad, but nothing really happened says reality sitting in the back of the classroom in the corner Afraid to speak up because anxiety is a bully and it is run in that room right now And so that lesson the most important lesson the lesson that says you felt really terrible but all of those Sensations and thoughts were explainable and predictable and measurable and repeatable again and again and again And they never harm you and none of what it predicted came true You handled it you tolerated it you coped Nothing happened the 15 minutes were up you went back inside everything was fine had you stayed outside for another 15 minutes You still would have been fine You would have been okay. I won't say fine. You would no harm would have come to you That is the lesson of the exposure. That's always the lesson of the exposure. You may panic You may not you may have anxiety you may not but no matter what you are going to be okay. You're always okay And even when those sensations and those thoughts are triggered Which is your body and your nervous system acting exactly the way it's designed to act in the face of a threat Even when those things are triggered those are not dangerous. They do not indicate an actual threat. It's a mistake and The lesson of the exposure the recovery lesson that is critical For progress is that yes, that was really scary and that was terrible, but nothing happened That is the most important thing to take away from the experience be it a planned exposure and unplanned challenge Whatever it happens to be anytime you go through an anxiety spike or a panic attack or feeling really uncomfortable Or all you want to do is Google your symptoms because your health anxiety is raging All you want to do is engage in your compulsion because your OCD is raging, but you don't The most important thing is oh man. I didn't do what I wanted to do and I was still okay. I'm alright. I Didn't engage in my compulsion, but nothing bad happened. It's okay. I Sat outside in my garden. I drove to the supermarket. I walked around the block I picked my kids up from school and I felt terrible and I was afraid and my body was in high gear and reacting like it It was danger, but there wasn't I was okay and That post experience classroom where you have to take that lesson on that's where the learning happens That's where the change happens. That's where the magic happens Anxiety will want to act as the teacher it will turn on the microphone crank up the volume and paste demonstratively and aggressively Up and down in the front of the classroom Drunk diagrams on the blackboard of how terrible that was and how awful it was and how you should never do that again and Reality sits quietly and timidly in the background Trying to get a word and edge-wise and And many of us make the mistake of paying very close attention to the anxiety in the front of the room It is loud. It is big. It is controlling It grabs our attention and we make the mistake of okay, but listen because that's the biggest thing It's the look how loud he is look how aggressive anxiety is I'm going to follow it I'm gonna I'm gonna let it take me in and yeah. Yeah, that was terrible. I was awful I don't want to do that again. I'm dreading tomorrow's exposure but in reality The exposure itself is certainly important but afterwards in that classroom Where anxiety the bully what the bullhorn is in the front of the room trying to get you to listen to its lesson The secret is to turn your back swivel your chair Listen to reality sitting timidly and quietly and well-behaved in the corner of the room when it is telling you You were okay. You did it. You did it You did your 15 minutes in the garden and you were afraid but you were brave and you got through it And none of those things happened again. It lied to you again That is the lesson that you have to take on and so many people and I was one of them Often fall into that trap where they refuse to take on that lesson. I'm doing the things But but it's not getting any better. I don't understand. It's terrible every single time Yes, in many instances because you are not willing for it to be terrible You're not willing for that terrible scary uncomfortable, you know difficult experience to teach you something You're just trying to make it go away, and it won't go away when you try to make it go away All I want to do is sit in the garden and not panic Okay, but in order to sit in the garden and not panic you must first sit in the garden and panic and Then take the lesson that reality teaches you not the lesson that your panic will try to teach you That's what I'm talking about here You have to be willing to learn the lesson that reality hands us because if you are listening to me right now You are upright. You are breathing. You are alive, and you are able to understand my words It means that none of the things that you fear were going to happen happened And you may say well my fear is that panic will happen or anxiety itself will happen. Yes, correct. That is what defines the disorder That's okay The panic happened the anxiety happened the uncomfortable happened the scary thoughts happened the negative thoughts happened the intrusive thoughts happened But but there was no consequence to them The important part is that there was no consequence. That's the lesson that has to be learned Now let's back up for just a second and insert sort of this like Self-compassion thing into this you do have to acknowledge like yeah, that was really brave of me. That was really hard I don't like that that scares me It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel alone. It makes me feel all of those things. I Get that we have to acknowledge that that's true. This is never suck it up buttercup. I'm never gonna tell you that But in the end you have to acknowledge I'm doing a really hard and difficult thing and sometimes you will stumble and sometimes you will fail here and there that's okay That's that's okay. We all have that happen to us But in the end Choosing to follow the words of the anxiety itself choosing to learn that lesson Because you're in the habit of like I must never feel I must never feel or if I feel a thing I must follow it. It's my thoughts and my feelings and my emotions and my sensations So I better follow that stuff as Opposed to oh, I should probably turn my back on that and actually follow the lesson of reality Reality is handing me a lesson that nothing bad happened even though I felt like it would My feelings lied to me So you have to be willing to understand that hey, this is really difficult and this requires it I really change my mindset to a certain extent. I'm in the habit of following my body because I think my body is always right I'm in the habit of following my emotions because I think my emotions must be right. They are sacred my thoughts are mine They are important. They matter. They're true. They're real So some of this involves like understanding like well, this is gonna be uncomfortable. It's gonna be difficult and I'm going to have to really change my paradigm to a certain extent. Oh my god. I have to learn to not follow my thoughts That's hard. So give yourself a little bit of grace there in a little space I understand why sometimes you are refusing inadvertently to take on the lessons of recovery. I'm not blaming you I'm not blaming anybody. It's not your fault. If it's not going well It's a hard thing doesn't go well for most of us. It takes a long time to change course and really get on board with this That's why we talk about being consistent and repetitive with this stuff. It ain't easy None of it is easy So don't ever let anybody tell you that like well if you're not getting better It's because you're doing it wrong and you're not following the program. You're not listening to me That's not it at all Sometimes it's just a matter of understanding like oh, I really do have to break some habits behaviorally cognitively emotionally Those are hard habits to break, but we have to break them We have to be willing to drop those old things on the floor and pick up the lesson that Reality hands us along the way to recovery Because what we're trying to do is inject reality back into this to bring our anxiety and our fear and our anxious response Back into a place of reality We cannot let it's a rationality and it's selfishness rule the roost forever And when we turn our back on it and accept those lessons that was really hard. It was different. It's new to me I'm struggling with it. It was uncomfortable. I was really afraid, but I did it. I did it Like the biggest I want to shake you all like the biggest lesson you need to learn after every exposure is I did it I did it. You hear me say all the time. It's not how you felt. It's what you did I did it never I made it like you guys some of you know Like you guys some of you know that when you've said like I made it and I'll always say you didn't make it You're always gonna make it you did it Right, so though that's the lesson that changes things like oh, I did it. I did it. I can do this. Look, I can do it I did it. I can do it again. I don't like it, but I can do it again and The more we do that and you turn your back on those old lessons and you refuse to take the old lessons and begin To take the new ones difficult that though that may be But what we're really doing is we're we're stripping away the irrational nature of anxiety We're stripping away the selfish nature of it. Sorry, dude You don't get to be the most important thing in the room all the time anymore And anxiety will still be part of your life your amygdala is there for a reason threat detection and response is there for a reason One of the things we're gonna talk about down the road a little bit is You know sometimes the misguided effort to literally turn that off When people get into this state where they're dealing with anxiety and it's kind of crippling and it's it's ruling their lives They spent a lot of time trying to find ways to turn it off But anxiety is like a like a radio that has no off switch It only has a volume switch and right now it's cranked all the way up to 10 You can't turn it off. You shouldn't ever turn it off Like a life without that mechanism would be a bad life We're just trying to turn the volume back down to a normal listening level and When we decide to accept willingly accept the lessons that recovery teachers that's that reality hands us as we do our recovery work We are slowly but surely turning the volume back down Not turning it off because you can never turn it off But you're stripping away the irrational Distortion magnification of anxiety and you're stripping away the selfish Self-centered nature of anxiety and you're putting that part of you back into its normal place But first you have to be willing to learn those lessons And that starts with the realization that like if I'm going to continue to follow my body down the rabbit hole and Follow my my thoughts down the rabbit hole and follow my emotions down the rabbit hole It felt like it felt like it felt like it's too much. It's too much. I can't handle it can't handle Then you're not going to take those lessons on and it will continue to have a grip on you And it will continue to be irrational and distorted and magnified and selfish and self-centered and it will continue to rule your life So that's why I wanted to talk about this today The refusal or the the unwillingness or the mistake of not learning the lessons of recovery and progress Very common. I had the same problem. Everybody goes through this has the same problem I have yet to meet somebody and I've had the privilege of literally contact with tens of thousands of people over the last ten years doing this podcast wait 2014 so no the podcast is not ten years old the podcast is is seven years old But over the last ten plus years of doing this sort of stuff online even before I started podcasting But many many people and I have yet to meet the person who instantaneously gets it never makes a mistake never fails Never makes the mistake of following the anxiety instead of reality. We all do it man. We all do it It's okay to make those mistakes But you just have to be willing to start to do it a different way and if you stumble here and there especially in the beginning That's okay. That's okay. It's all right. Everybody stumbles especially in the beginning. It's new stuff It is new it is counter counter-intuitive. It doesn't make any sense Especially to the anxiety that you're trying to sort of turn your back on it's like what are you doing man? Pay attention to me. Of course, of course, it's difficult So there you go. That's the deal quick one 21 minutes And I'm pretty much done with this but I think it's an important topic It's one that I've been meaning to address for a while and hopefully it will be meaningful to you and maybe help you see Some things that you might be able to adjust a little bit Like this is hard stuff But we got to be willing to take on the lessons of exposure and recovery and this new way that you're approaching your anxiety You're building a new relationship with fear. You're not ending fear You're learning a new way to relate to to tolerate to pass through to surrender to anxiety irrational anxiety and fear You're not trying to turn it all the way off and stop it out and make it stop it from happening That's a that's a weird way to do it. That's not that's not Intuitive in any way, but that's the way so I get it. It's hard You're gonna make mistakes, but be willing to take on the new lessons because that's where the magic is All right peeps. I think we're good to go on this one So I'm gonna wrap it up here I'm gonna leave you as usual with afterglow by my buddy Ben Drake You can find Ben online at Ben Drake music commies a great musician a good dude. Check him out And I'm gonna ask you as always if you're listening on iTunes or Spotify or any platform that lets you rate and review the podcast Leave a rating five stars would be great and then take a minute or two to review the podcast because it helps other people find it That's how the algorithms work and we want other people to find it I do this to try and help as many people as I can of course if you are not aware of all my Various things. I have a free one-hour training and like the basics of recovery I have hopefully by the time you're listening to this three books out seven percent slowers coming out of September 15 Check everything is there all my social media links all of my presents are there at the anxious truth comm So if you're not sure what to find more information books social media links free seminars, whatever It's all there go there and check it out good on my mailing list. That's there, too starting to use that a little bit more and Thank you as always for hanging out for another 20 something minutes of your life every week I appreciate your support and your attention and your enthusiasm and all of that stuff You guys are awesome, and I will Final words what they usually are since they became obsessed with the Mandalorian last year keep going because this is the way