 I'm the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. And I'm here to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Yes, boys and girls, it's comic weekly time. And here I come right into your house to bring a little fun and happiness. Right out of the pages, I've talked the comic weekly straight into your living room. Your friend, the comic weekly man, the jolly comic weekly man. Hello, little miss honey, how are you today? Oh, I'm just fine, thank you, how are you? I'm just fine too, thank you. That's fine, now the riddle. What riddle? All right, then here's a riddle. Why can't you have a nose 12 inches long? Nope. When you close the door? Nope. When you close the door? Nope. Because then it would be a foot. Funny, 12 inches. Well, I'm glad you like it. Now you tell me a riddle. I'd rather tell you a joke. All right, tell me a joke. All of them are so large they never get lost. So naturally you can't find them. I thought you would like it. Fuck the comic weekly. Very well, I'll read that in just a moment. But before I do, let's listen to this nice man. Now here we go with Fuck the Comic Weekly. And on the first page, under bringing up father, Beatle Bailey. Magic words for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Toot me a toot and tweet me a tweedle. Squeeze out music for Bailey the Beatle. Beatle is working in the kitchen helping the cook at the army camp today. When in comes the sergeant. He's carrying two little plants that are in old coffee cans. Hey, Beatle, the captain wants his colea's plants watered and put out in the sun. Well, you find the water over there. I'll set them here. And you water them for me, Beatle. The sergeant sets the plants on the table beside three cans of coffee. So there on the table are five cans marked coffee. Two of them filled with dirt in which two teeny-weeny plants are planted. Beatle walks over to fill a pitcher of water. When the cook yells, hey, Beatle, you open those coffee cans yet? You had to write beside you. Oh, yeah, I see them. The cook reaches down and starts to empty the contents of the coffee cans in a pot of boiling water on the stove. Oh, I love coffee. I hate tea. I hate the sergeant, but I love me. Last picture, top row, a few minutes later, the captain is showing the colonel through the camp. He comes into the kitchen, staying proudly. Our cook has one specialty, coffee. The colonel replies, oh, really? Well, I'm a coffee expert myself. I, um, I'd like to try a cup. First picture, bottom row, the cook says proudly, yes, sir, I just finished a fresh brew. And he pours the captain and the colonel a cup of coffee. At that moment, Beatle is out of the oven. Looking at the empty coffee can. Now, that's odd. What happened to the colonel? The colonel takes a sip of his coffee. I never knew GI coffee could taste so good. The captain sips his. He looks into his cup. Sees a little plant there. My colias! Last picture, the cook looking very unhappy now that he's a private again, is making a scene. And Beatle is leaning on the table. He says, well, back to the old grime and cookies. And the cook shakes his head and says sadly, I still don't understand what this is all about. Coffee. He's some expert. He drinks coffee with mud and plants in it and says he never knew coffee could taste so good. And there's nothing funny here. He certainly was. I just love that deal. Maybe the funniest things happen. Yes, they surely do. Well, now I know who you want to read. Yes, who? Donald Duck. How does he guess? Well, I think I'm beginning to know what you like. Yes, you do. Very well then. Let's turn over the page. Go past Prince Val, who is sailing to Ireland on a mission for his father. Turn over that page. Go past Little Iodine on page four. Turn over page five. And there on page six is Donald Duck. Yes, Donald Duck. And here we go with Donald Duckle. Say the magic words with me. Squay jump, squay jump, squilly chicka-chack. Let's set music to fit a quack-quack. Donald's nephews have been wondering about those flying saucers that have been appearing mysteriously in the skies for some time. So Huey asks Uncle Donald. Hey, Uncle Donald, do flying saucers come from Mars or Venus? Donald replies. Hey, look, boys, flying saucers are only illusions. You mean there are no saucers? Or no little green men? Right. Logical people like me don't see them. Do I? And if I did, I'd know that it was just a halosapapu- a halosan- Halosanation, Uncle Donald. Yeah, a halosanation, yeah. And I certainly wouldn't get excited. The boys look at Donald for a second, then turn around and walk out of the house. Last picture-top row, Huey says. He sure thinks he knows everything. Yeah. Let's fix him for once. First picture-bottom row, the boys are lined up before the schoolteacher. First shown, may we borrow our costumes for the school play? We want to practice. Why, of course, boys, how nice. Short time later, Donald is sitting at home reading a book. When? He goes to the door and opens it. And there, standing in the door, are three frogs, three feet high. And one says, Here's your phone. Our saucer broke down and... And there lies Donald on the floor in a dead faint. Ah, he said he wouldn't get excited. And he didn't. No, he fainted too fast. And last picture, Donald is in bed with a bandage over the bump on the back of his head where he hit the floor. And is that bump aching? His nephews, Louie, Huey, and Dewey, are bringing him a snack. And Dewey says, Ah, here's your tea, Uncle Donald. I didn't think you'd want it on a pregnant expression saucer. Wasn't that funny? No, and when the boys played the trick on him by dressing up in their school costumes, Donald takes one look and falls to the ground in a face. Oh, that girl. Yeah, and a funny one to say. He certainly is funny. Well, now look across the page. That's Peter Pan. Oh, and I'm anxious to read that because you remember by that fierce pirate Captain Hooks. That's right, and he had told the children that if they didn't join his pirate crew, they'd have to walk the plank. That's right, and you remember the children refused to join Captain Hook's pirate crew. And you remember, last week, Wendy walked the plank, and when he fell over, there wasn't any sign. I was not sure if the ship was the witch. Wonder what really happened. Let's go and find out. Here we go with Peter Pan. Say the magic words with me. Pirates clock it out. Peter Pan. Whisk up music for Never Never Land. The pirates stand at the edge of the ship's rail, trembling for fear their ship is bewitched. They haven't seen Peter Pan, who can fly, and had come flying fast as a bullet and unseen by the pirates. Peter had skimmed over the water and caught Wendy just as she fell. He whisks her up to the crow's nest to the top of the ship's mast, where Peter from above shouts, Captain Hook, you're a codfish. The pirates look up and Hook exclaims, Oh no, it can't be. And the children look up and exclaim with joy, Hey, look at Peter Pan. Yeah, Peter Pan and Wendy. And then Peter is joined by Tinkerbell. Hey Tink, you untie the boys while I take care of Hook. And Tinker flies down as Peter draws his dagger. And Peter dives for Captain Hook last picture top row. Peter Pan, I'll have your dessert. Yeah, well let's see if you can get it, Captain Hook. And the duel is on. By this time Tinkerbell has cut the rope that ties the children. And John says, All right boys, to the top of the mast. And the children clamor into the rigging. After the main weapon. As Peter and Captain Hook duels, the boys scamper up the rigging to the crow's nest with the pirates hot after them. First picture bottom row, the boys swat the pirates over the head with umbrellas and plums and the toys they brought with them. Let them have it, men. The pirates pop over backwards and fall to the deck. Now Captain Hook is really exhausted and Peter has him pinned against the mast. His hat is pulled down over his nose and he gasps. You wouldn't finish old Hook when you land. I'll go away forever. I'll do anything you say. Well, all right. If you say you're a codfish. Oh, I'm a fish. Last picture, the children cheer Peter's victory over Captain Hook. Captain Hook is a codfish, a codfish, a codfish, a codfish. He has, especially when you consider that Peter had only a dagger but Captain Hook had a long sword. You bet he is. And the other boys, and Wendy, wasn't it thrilling how they beat off the pirates when they came up after them on the rigging? Yes, that was you. And he was a codfish. You bet he did. I wonder what will happen next. Well, we'll find out next week. Now let's turn over the page. And here on the last page of the first section is Dick's adventure. Oh, yes. And so Dick must be going to begin a new adventure today. Well, let's read and find out. Here we go with Dick's adventures. Say the magic words with me. Riggedy pack-a-zack-a-zack. Let's set music for adventure to stick. Dick has been talking in his sleep. His mother and father have come into the room and his father is saying, well, listen, dear, Dick's mumbling a Hudson River dragon in his sleep. What's he dreaming about anyway? Hudson River dragon. Hudson River. Back, back, back we go. And in Dick's dreams, we're back in the castle. And in Dick's dreams, we're back of the year 1807. Dick is sitting in a buggy, which is standing in front of the gate of a beautiful home. A pretty girl comes to the gate, last picture top row. It's his cousin, Sarah Fulton. Dick exclaims gaily, Hey, get to your party dress, Sarah. We've both been invited to the engagement party of Uncle Robert to Harriet Livingston at Clermont. A short time later, Dick and Sarah are riding along the road, which is laid out along the Hudson River. In these far off years, transportation is pleasantly leisurely. Over the majestic Hudson, the sun starts sinking in the blaze of glory. Dick reigns in the buggy at a particularly charming spot to look at a sailboat in the river. Oh, boy, whoa. Last picture, second row, Dick remarks, You know, Uncle Bob Fulton says he's got a new invention that's going to make all sailboats useless. It is dusk as Dick and Sarah approach Clermont when suddenly, last picture, the horse boats in terror come around the bend of the river, comes a frightful monster shooting fire and smoke. It's a paddle wheeler steamer with smoke and fire pouring from the smokestack. Faster and faster runs the horse as Sarah throws her arms around Dick in terror. Because back in those days, they only had sailboats and this is the first time that that horse has seen a steamship belching fire and smoke. Yeah, that's why. Oh, you've read about that in school, have you? Yes, I did. Well, I think that might be it. Well, that's something to worry about and we'll find out about that next week. But now look below Dick's adventures. There's Rusty Riley. Oh, yes. And I'll read it in just a moment. But first, here's that nice man again with something interesting to say. Now, here we go again with Puck for Comic Weekly. And on the last page of the first section at the bottom of the page, Rusty Riley. Magic wits for the music, please. Very well, my lady. Get up and run till the road is dusty. Give us music for his horse and Rusty. The two crooks who had held Miss Dooley prisoner in her own home have been captured by the sheriff. And Miss Dooley has been taken to town and put under a doctor's care. Rusty has been left alone on the farm to take care of the horses. When he came out to the barn, he met a strange man who tells Rusty Riley who tells Rusty, third picture, top row. Now, look, son, my name's Clinton. I'm a private investigator. Here's my police car. I am looking for a horse named Silver Lad. A detective? Gee, Mr. Clinton, we got two horses, but I don't think that's the name of either one. Last picture, top row, Rusty goes on. Collie, I never heard of a private eye looking for a horse. Was it stolen or something? No, no, nothing like that. See, my client is a rich horse breeder. It seems that this nag is the last of a certain bloodline. He wants him bad, so he hired me to find him. Now, let me take a look at your horses. First picture, bottom row, they walk over to the pasture. Clinton looks at the horses and explains, holy smoke, I must be wrong again. Nobody would pay a guy 50 bucks a day at expenses to find those. Well, they're fine horses, Mr. Clinton. They just need to be cared for. Oh, see, here comes the sheriff. He might help you. The car pulls up and the sheriff gets out. Well, Rusty, we landed a couple of big fish. Mel and Trixie were wanted by the FBI for forgery and check peasants. Got their jobs here with forage references. Oh, who's this, Jen? Oh, this is Mr. Clinton, sheriff. He's a private eye. He's looking for a certain horse. Uh, yeah, a horse named Silver Lance, sheriff. Sold as a yearling in Lexington. Supposed to have been bought later by Denver Dooley while his carnival was playing there. Well, let's go see Dooley's sister in the hospital. Like it's not she can settle it. Short time later, Clinton has returned to the Dooley farm. He comes to the barn where Rusty is working. Well, I hit the jackpot, Rusty. One of the horses is Silverland, all right? I phone my client and he'll be here tomorrow. Yes, sir. I'll look after him till he comes. Gee, if he buys Silverland, maybe he'll give me a job. Is it the other man? Yes, it would, because you remember Rusty thought he'd have to leave the Dooley farm before his Dooley was sick. Yes. Oh, I hope that'll work out so that Rusty can have that job, because, you know, ever since he ran away from the milestone farm, I've been really worried about him. Well, maybe one of these days, Tex will find Rusty and bring him back to home where he belongs. I hope so. Meanwhile, we'll have to wait until next week to find out about what happens. But now it's time for Dagwit and Blondie. And here's the section. Yes, the first page of the second section of Puck the Comic Weekly. And here we go with Dagwit and Blondie. I'm a food, I'm a fums, I'm a zombie. And you'll be music for Dagwit and Blondie. Blondie is very displeased with her son Alexander today. Just wait till your father comes home. I'll have him take care of you. At that moment, the door opens, and in comes Dagwit. Dagwit, you'll have to punish Alexander. He was careless and disobedient. Alexander's standing a corner. Last picture top row, Blondie says. Dagwit, he's too old to have to stand in the corner for punishment. Well, what shall I do to him then? Blondie thinks. First picture, second row, an idea pops into her mind. Oh, no, no, no, that won't work. He's already collected his allowance for three weeks in advance. Yeah, and I'm too young to go to jail. Let's send him up to his room without supper. No, no, that's no good. He's dieting anyway. And he has books and magazines up there he can read. Blondie thinks again. Last picture, second row, out comes another idea. Fashion spanky. Nothing doing, he's too big. I'd rather wrestle a wildcat. By this time, Alexander, first picture, third row, is smiling. He sits in a chair and calmly listens to his mother and father try to figure out a way to punish him. There must be some way to discipline a boy his age. Yes, sir, father's duty. Well, if you'd just tell me what he did, I could make the punishment fit the crime. He left our new lawnmower out for a while. New lawnmower outdoors last night in the rain, and it got all rusty. Last picture, third row, Dagwood's face falls. What's the matter, Dagwood? I... I have a confession. First picture, bottom row, Dagwood says sheepishly. I'm the guilty one. I left the lawnmower out last night. Oh, goody. Oh, that makes it so much easier. And she grabs Dagwood by the ear. Oh! And pulls him to the kitchen. There are a thousand ways to punish a husband. Last picture, Dagwood is in the kitchen washing dishes. Very unhappily. Alexander says, Gee, I'm sorry, Pop. I tried to take the wrap for you. Thanks. I'm going to eat on paper plates. I wasn't happy about that. Dagwood was the careless one. Yeah, they certainly had quite a problem trying to figure out how to punish Alexander before they found out Dagwood was to blame. Yes, didn't they? Oh, those bumps did. There's some family. Yeah, so do they. Well, now let's turn over the page, go past the Lone Ranger, and there on page three of the second section is Roy Rogers. Oh, yes, he is. And while he was helping her out of it, two crooks who had been following the balloon saw what was happening, and they'd stopped in a bluff overlooking the valley where Roy had stopped the balloon. And the crook told her something. Yes, and one of the crooks is aiming his gun at Roy's back. Well, I hope he doesn't shoot Roy. Well, let's read and see what happens next. Here we go with Roy Rogers, King of the Cowboys. Ah, yippie-yo. Now here we go with Roy and Trigger. Ah, yippie-yo. The man named Ham is about to pull the trigger. His pal, Smiley, suddenly exclaims, Hey, wait, Ham, don't plug the strangers. I see riders on the horizon. They might hear the shot. Oh, okay, Smiley. We'll sneak up on them then. You grab the sandbag, we want off the basket car. Come on, hurry. Quickly, the two outlaws tie handkerchiefs over their faces, and they sneak up behind Roy and Wildwood, last picture, top row. Holding his gun on Roy, Ham snarls, Reach, cowboy. Crawl under that balloon cloth and stay there. Roy exclaims, Well, road agents interested in balloons is a new twist. Come on, Wildwood, don't argue with a rifle. By this time, Roy had let the air out of the balloon, and it lies flat on the ground. Roy notices that the two outlaws are standing on the balloon. First picture, bottom row, as Roy bends down to crawl under the balloon, he gives it a sudden jerk. Ham's feet are pulled out from under him. Roy leaps at him. As they struggle, Smiley steps up behind Roy. A small bag is in his hand. He swings. There's more than sand in this bag, cowboy. Some time later, two riders approach. They rain in beside the deflated balloon. One of the men is J. Lucian Dangerfield, manager of the Carnival, whom we met some time ago on Roy's adventures. Dangerfield exclaims, There's the errant balloon, Jimmy. Our search is over. Another of J. Lucian Dangerfield's colossal presentations has come to an unhappy end, alas. Hey, look at those lumps. There's something under it, J. L. The man dismounts and walk over to the balloon and lifts it up and look underneath last picture. Hey, holy cow, look. Oh, the pity of it all. News of this tragedy will ruin my carnival. I wonder too. I wonder what. Well, maybe we'll find out more about that next week. Now, let's turn over to the very last page. All right. Yes, that's right. I wonder if he gets back safely. Well, let's read now and find out. Here we go with Flash Gordon. Regga-de-ga-doon-doons, has-com-a-tage. Let's have music for heroic Flash. Closer and closer to Earth speeds Flash's rocket ship. And then Flash exclaims, Dale, Earth! A moment later, they're over the airport. Carefully, Flash lands his ship. He opens the hatch. We're back home again, Dale. The news of Flash's arrival gets around quickly. At last picture top row, he's mobbed by newsmen. Hey, the Air Force will want to see you. How about talking to us newsmen first, huh? Yeah, how about that? Hey, hey, hey. The first thing we want to do is to have a good old Earth meal. So first stop, gentlemen, is the dining room. It's some time later. First picture bottom row, Flash and Dale are out for the evening, having dinner at a famous night spot. Dale is happy to be back home. And she's suggesting to Flash that maybe they can stay home this time and settle down. Flash smiles. Yes, Dale, I'm tired of wondering. I wish we could. Oh, Flash! It's Flash's friend, Zarkov, with another man. They join Flash and Dale at the table. Zarkov says, Flash, I'm glad you're still here. The Colonel has something extraordinary to tell you. Gordon, it's fate that brought you back at this time. We've discovered another satellite behind the moon. A habitable satellite. For a long time, the Colonel talks, explaining his plans to Flash. Flash picture as they're leaving the club. The Colonel is saying, we want you to take an expedition there and explore it. We're particularly anxious to claim it for our country. Will you lead such an expedition for us? Think it over, you needn't answer now. Dale turns to Flash and says, Oh, Flash, no. Flash would have to go away on another long trip, doesn't he? Yes, it does. Would it be dangerous? Oh, I think it would be. Another adventure, wouldn't it? Oh, I'm sure it'd be an adventure. I know this lovey's adventure. You think he will? Well, we'll find out about that next week. Now, that's all the time I have. But before I go, here's that nice fellow with some more interesting information. See you in all your boys and girls. I've got to go now. All right. OK, that's a date. And the date with all your boys and girls. Be sure to meet me with our little friend Miss Honey next week when I read Puck the Comic Weekly. For I'm the Comic Weekly Man, the Jolly Comic Weekly Man. I'll be back to read the funnies to you happy boys and honeys. Don't forget, boys and girls, see you all next week. Your friend the Comic Weekly Man, the Jolly Comic Weekly Man.