 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psy Howard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Caronash with Alan Reed as well as Polly. Luigi Vasco left Italy to start his new life in America. He promised his mother that he would rise and tell her about his adventure. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Vasco in Italy. America is a land with a very high standard of a living. Everybody is saving some money so you can buy a refrigerator, a washing machine, a dishwasher and a vacuum cleaner. Seems like everybody here has got these things. People who can afford, they buy. People who can't afford, they go on a quiz program. Another big American thing. Everybody has got a car. They've got all kinds of here. There's the sedans, the trailers, the trucks, and America is so rich they even have got a car for chicken. That's called a coupe. A car is a wonderful thing. You remember Mama Mia and the older country during the war, how American boy is it taking me for driving is a car? Well, it wasn't exactly a car. It was something like a cement mixer. And here's the color of the Jeep. Mama Mia, how that car is a shape. Remember once how we go for a ride, me and Uncle Pietro and his goat? And when we come back, I'm losing my watch. Uncle Pietro is losing his teeth. And the goat is refused to give a milker for three days. Since that time, I'm always the one to own my own car. And after one year, I must have a hundred dollars, and now I'm going to make my dream come true. Of course, with a hundred dollars, I'm not going to afford another 1949 car. I'm going to have to be satisfied with a 48. But right now is the time for my night school class, so I'm going to go and ask my teacher Miss Folding for advice about the buying a car. All right, class. All right, let's come to attention. I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko. Present. Mr. Harwin. Present. Mr. Olsen. Present. Mr. Schultz. Absent. Mr. Schultz, you're present. Why do you say absent? I just want to create a sensation. Oh, thank you, fellow boobers. Thank you. All right, Mr. Schultz, you can stop buying. Now, class, our lesson... Oh, yes, Mr. Basko, what is it? Well, Miss Folding, today's a bigger day in my life, and I'm like so much if the class is a health major. Well, certainly, Mr. Basko, what is it? Well, today I'm going to buy my own car. A car? Oh, no easy as a big shot. A big shot is an explosion! Class, please. Mr. Basko, why don't you wait until after the bill? I'm sure one of your classmates can help you in the selection of a car. Now, class, our lesson for today is spelling. We are going to study words which contain letters that we don't pronounce. Now, Mr. Basko, will you volunteer to spell the word knife? Knife. K-N-I-F-D is a silent. Not exactly. Mr. Schultz, will you try? I try, but I don't give a guarantee. Knife. B... Just a moment, Mr. Schultz. There is no B in knife. This is a boy-style knife. Class, I will spell the word K-N-I-F-E. K-N-I-F... That's Kniffy. No, the word is knife. K is the silent letter. K is always silent in front of N. Is that so? What about Knackburg? Now, will someone in the class give us an example of another word with a silent letter? Yes, Mr. Olsen. In the sentence, I'll nash my teeth. Nash is spelled G-N-A-F-A in the year the asylum preceding the end. Oh, what a showoff! If I was so smart, I'd shoot myself! Please, Mr. Schultz. Please, that was excellent, Mr. Olsen. Excuse me, Mr. Bolling. I'm always known that a nash has a silent letter, but this silent letter G is in the 49er model, too. Now, that's the kind of fellow I like. A dumbass. No, no, Mr. Basko. I can see you can't get your mind off cars. Can anyone here tell Mr. Basko where to get a car? Louis. How about Louis, the lunatic? That's right, Louis! You go right down to automobile row on Dearborn Street. Dearborn Street? Yeah, yeah, but you gotta be careful with these dealers. You know, they are all sharpshooters. On account of them, my brother Ludwig got the best buy in his life. In three years, he's never had a flat, never had to change a spark plug, never use of any oil. No, the rabble at all. What is he about? A horse and ragout. So, I'm getting a little tired of your... Oh, that's right! Sometimes they act like a lot of little school children to knock for. Excuse me, Mr. I'm a like to buy a car here. You're saying you've picked the right lot of just what you want. 2300, 2700, 3500, anything you like, drive it right out. How much do you want to spend? One hundred dollars. Well, come on over here around the back. We might find something for you. All right. Ah, now there we are. Here is a fine selection of cars around the hundred dollar class. Nice, eh? Looks just like a museum. Well, now let's see. Just what kind of a car do you have in mind? How about a convertible, eh? Do you like to drive with the top down? No, I'm always a wearer hat. Well, how about this car here? Do you like it? It's an old. No, that's a tool. Hey, Mr. Jumbo, drive a car before. Well, a long time ago in the older country. Oh, I see. You see, I'm not the longer from it. I see. Well, now, buddy, I got just the car for you. Yes, eh? Here it is, a stud. Hardly been used in the last 32 years. Well, look at the dashboard. Only 5000 miles. And I'm the original guy who pushed back the speedometer. Is it good, huh? Oh, it's sensational. Not like any ordinary car, you know. This car is different. No windshield, no bumpers, no radio, no heater, no spare tire, no fuel pump, no radiator. Just a good, honest set of used parts. Now, I'm not so sure that you've got the money. If you've got it, put up or shut up. That's the American way. But sure, sure, I've got the money here. Well, that's the ticket. 100 old dollar bills. We've been waiting for you. Here's the bill of sale signed right here. You got a driver's license? No, but I can drive. Okay, then drive right down the city hall. Get a learner's permit. Hop in. That's right. We stand behind every car we sell. Only way we can push him off the line. Get set. Goodbye. All right. Come on, my man, we're going to fight. Three, four to five of miles an hour. Pascuali, how about you to buy myself a car? What does it look like? How many guests is it you give me? You're just saying that because I didn't need any help from you. No help from me, eh? Hey, Luigi, why are you putting those two blocks under the front of the wheel? That's an invention emergency, Brex. Pascuali, I know he's not the best car, but at least he's all the money. Now I can drive down the street and everybody is the same. Look, Luigi, he's a look like a real American. Yeah, and this is a car you look like a real American. Buffalo Bill. Tell me something, Luigi. You got auto insurance. Auto insurance? What's that? Well, it's like a life insurance. You don't get a pay until the car dies. Looking on your car, I'm going to think somebody's already collected. Then I'm going to need the insurance. Oh, but there's insurance. You've got to have it so much more important. That's for accidents. There's a single indemnity, that's if you hit a one person. Then there's a double indemnity, that's if you hit a twiddle. Pascuali, I'm not going to hit anybody. What are you talking about? You've got a car, use it. Pascuali, I'm just spending all of my money on my car. I'm going to no kind of ford this insurance. Oh, Luigi, that's so bad. Bad? Horrible. Tell me, little man, you've got operators license? Pascuali, what for? I'm going to need operator license. I'm not going to work for the phone company. I have to show how stupid you are. Operator license is the meaning of when you hit somebody, you've got a license to operate on them right away. You ain't got that either. Pascuali, all I've got is a learner's permit and a book of rules of the study. What am I going to do? I should never have bought a car without asking you what advice first. Man, that's the first the smartest thing I've ever heard since we started talking. Luigi, when I'm going to see you look so sad, my heart is a mouthful like a parmesan cheese and a heart of spaghetti. You know what I'm going to do for you? What, Pascuali? I'm going to pay for your auto insurance. I'm going to see to it you get your operator license, your driver license, and instead of this old Jalopy, I'm going to buy you a brand new car. Pascuali, you're going to do all of this for me. But why? Because I'm a lovey you, you little pumpkin of hair. With eyes like a two pumpkin seeds and a nose like a banana? Oh, stop it, Pascuali. You're making me blush in the street. And now that I'm going to do you a little favor, maybe you'll do me a little favor. Favor, what the favor you want I should do for you? Well, the while you're down a city hall and getting your driver's license and your operator's license, maybe you go to the next window and get a one or more license. Well, sure, Pascuali. What the kind of license you want I should again? Marriage license for my daughter Rosa. You know Pascuali, I'm not going to marry Rosa. She's a two factor for me. No idea. It's a no fair to call a girl a factor just because she's happened the way two hundred and forty pounds. Two fifty. What do you say? I say two fifty. I say two forty. She's going to have her supper yet. She'll do me a favor. Just to marry Rosa for a little while, you'd be surprised to have my little flower. She's going to grow out of you. Pascuali, I'm a no flower factor. I'm going to tell you something. They're never going to give you a driver's license without all the wreck you bought. No? No, you're lucky if you stay out of jail. Jailer? Sure. When you start driving through the streets like a crazy man, chasing people down the stairs and up the roofs and running for their lives, you know what you're going to say in a newspaper headline? What? Chicago's a hit to buy a new atom bomb. Mamma Mia, I'm a just start out to buy a car and now I'm a lucky if America doesn't declare a war on me. And now for the second act of Luigi Vasco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page two of his letter to his mother in Evelyn. So Mamma Mia, although I'm realizing my big ambition to own a car like a real American, I'm afraid it's going to bring me a lot of trouble. Pascuali doesn't say my car is a look so terrible I'm never going to get drive as a license so I'm going to try to fix it up. I'm going to shine up at the car nice and clean with the two cans of his shoe polish. Hold still, I'm going to put the wall of paper on the inner side. And to make it a car look more expensive, I'm going to paint a spare tire on the back. But still I'm having a lot of trouble with a car. Three times a day the street cleaning department has tried to take it away. The biggest trouble I'm having is a reading the ruler book and trying to learn the traffic rules for my driving test. Mamma Mia, what the rules? Put a hand out to for left to turn, a hand out to for right to turn, a hand out to for stop, a hand out to for a go. Mamma Mia, this is a book that must be for a man with a forehand. So I'm sitting here studying when it suddenly has opened up for my door. Luigi, my friend, I was just passing by and I had to stop in, I just saw your car outside and I congratulate you on making such a wonderful deal. All right, thank you, Schultz. How much did the man pay you for taking it off his lap? Schultz, please, I paid a man of $100 for this car. $100? Schultz, do you think I was stuck? Stuck? Luigi, you was harpooned. Mr. Carl, I bet I got only one piece of advice for you. What's with that? Keep moving, because if you ever stop, people will think you are in an accident. Well, I got the gold now. Goodbye, Luigi. Goodbye, Schultz. Goodbye, Luigi. She are a bishmah. Nothing in this world is worth crying about. For a Schultz, I'm spending my life down on a basic car and I gotta go today for a drive and a test. I'm a knock and understand the rules and all that's left for me is to marry my best fellow, your daughter, Oscar. If you were in a my place, what were you, though? Himmel, what are you? Let out a scream. Luigi, I really got to go now. Now come on, Luigi, be like me. Always happy. Smile, smile. My rheumatism is killing me. Mama, me and other I gotta take my drive and a test. Well, I better look in this traffic or roll a book and study some more rules. To make the left hand turn, turn into the lane to the right of the center, turning into the road the way, but to do not turn. Mama, me and other I gotta take my last to turn. Well, I read this some more. To make the left the interest. Hello, Luigi, my little friend and my countryman, what's new with you? That's quite the answer. You're mad at me no more? Me, I'm mad at you. Why, Luigi, shame on you. You should have known me better than that. You know there's two sides to my face. If one side is mad at you, the other side is glad at you. You know that. You're so right, Pusqually. That's the way everybody is the color you two face. That's the funny thing, and when I'm saying it, it's to come out of difference. Hey, Luigi, what's with that the pamphlet you're reading? Well, Pusqually, I gotta go for a drive and a test in an hour, and I'm studying the rules so I should apply. Luigi, I'm gonna help you out. Nobody's know more about a drive as a test than me. I'm gonna take it a ten times. Then maybe you can tell me, Pusqually, all through this book is this word, V-E-H-I-C-E. Ooh, Luigi, you're lucky you've got me to explain to you. That's the vehicle. That's the mean of car, what's a drunk. That's what they call auto intoxication. Here's the lots I can teach you. See, you drive in a car, you hit a man inside his home. What's it called? What? Home inside. Make a punishment if you go for that. Very big. They stamp on your license, you must wear glasses. Pusqually, thank you. Maybe now I have a chance to pass. What I mean by zone? That's a simple, driving a car is like a game, it's a trick kind of zone. T zone, free zone and an end zone. If you hit a man in the T zone, he's not gonna smoke no more. And if you hit him in the end zone, they push your car back in five yards. What's the the free zone? That's the mean of you can park for nothing. Now taking a traffic light, is the green light that's for gold, is the red light that's for star? What's the yellow light for? That's for women to drive, they can do whatever they want. Pusqually, thanks so much for your help. Don't mention it, Luigi. You just to give these answers like I'ma tell you, and you're gonna be fixed up for good. Okay, mister. You've been waiting here for two hours. What are you waiting for? Well, you're gonna call in for people who's the one to applicant. I'm waiting till you call the people who's the one to driver's license. Oh, I see. Well, take your learn this permit to boot seven over there, and the inspector will give you your test. Thank you very much. What's that? Oh, that it is. Mama, me, I'm gonna drive on my car and that's the little boat. Oh, excuse me, mister. Have a seat. You got your car outside? Yes. All right, now I'll ask you a few routine questions. First, explain your hand signal. Sure. To make a signal, you gotta stick out to your left hand. First, you gotta let the window down. Left hand is to signal right to turn, left to turn, and a pass. Absolutely to palm down. To palm down? When do you stick your hand out with a palm up? Only when you want to see if it's a random. Are you sure you can drive a car? Sure, I'm assure. Well, let's go on outside to the road test. All right. How dare? There isn't my car over there. Is that your car? Uh-huh. I think we have a law covering that. Let me look in my book under the seas. Condemned. They must have overlooked this model. Well, let's get it. Does this car always sag like this? Oh, no. Only one of people has a sit in it. Okay, start it up. Choke it. Choke it the way I'm going to grab it. Who would choke out there? Oh! All right, it's out, then. I wish you'd have put it. Step on the gas. Time's gone. You see it's a lot. If it's too windy for you, I must stop and put in the windshield. Never mind. This is like going through D-Day again. All right, there's a sign. It says no U-turn. What does that mean? Perhaps it's a symbol. It says no U-turn. That's to mean it's a my turn. You want me to stop? I dare you. Stop right on the corner of First Street. All right. Well, I was a close. It's not so good, huh? Well, watch me on a signal. You see that car behind you? Where's your rear vision mirror? What's the thought I need to rear mirror? If I'm going to want to see who's behind me, I'm going to look back like a... Hey, look! Stop with the inspectors and keep on going. So why? I'm happy to drive you back into my car. What are you, assaided? It's a nice day. The sun is shining. I got a wife and four kids. I'll walk. All right, after you walk, I'm a driver. When you get there, wait for me. It's too bad. And he was doing so well. Well, I... I'm adjusting to take on my driver's attention. Luigi, look at you. Hair is all of my stuff. The clothes are dirty. And the porn face all of banged up. You're walking with a limp. You don't look like a driver. You look like a pedestrian. What's happened? Here's all of my stuff. All I know is that when I was driving back to the licensee bureau myself, a car is a comatomy. I'm a signal for a stop. I'm going to put out the boat to my hand. But it's a big crash. Here's all of my stuff. I put the my left hand out over the left window. But to my right hand, it wasn't long enough to reach the other window. Did you get your driver's license? Pascuali, not only am I not to get him my license, but they take away my learners' permits. They say I'm a nook and drive for at least one a year. And I'm not allowed to walk in the streets for two days. How could one man get himself into so much trouble? Believe me, Pascuali, it's not easy. What am I going to do? The man who's got on my head is to say he's going to sue me for everything I'm about. Worse than that, Luigi, man has probably got a twenty years of life on his shoulders. I don't mean he can get you twenty years of the life. Pascuali, save me, please. Luigi, don't beg. I'm going to help you out of everything. I'm even going to buy you a new car so you still can be proud like an American. Just do me one favor. All right, Pascuali, I'm married to your daughter. Well, say it like you mean it. Go ahead, she's awake. Call her yourself. All right. All right. Other than calling her himself, it was just a terrible auto accident. What do you say to him? I'm going to give you my blessing and we're going to tell everybody about it. I'm so glad I found you in. It doesn't matter who the car is. You're a fixed average thing, mister. Oh, are you his attorney? Well, look, I admit everything. It was all my fault. I'm willing to make amends. I had no right to be driving that car. I had no driver's license, no permit, nothing. This has taught me a terrible lesson. Mr. Baskill, I'm prepared to pay for my mistake. Could you promise not to press suit? I'm not the press suit. Oh, thank you. I'm one of the senator of Taylor. Now, Mr. Baskill, let's settle this whole thing right here. You see, whatever that car is worth, say, uh, five hundred dollars. Oh, no. A thousand dollars? No, no, no. Okay, you got me against the wall. How much do you want for the car? One hundred dollars. But, uh... Hundred dollars? Well, here, take it, and thank you very much. Wait, I'm not as fast as you're something else. What's the matter? Were you hurt? I got a hold of my pension from the accident. It's going to cost you forty cents for the pack. Thank you. And good night. Well, Nipersqually, thank you for teaching me about a traffic arouse. You're a sister. But, Luigi, what a fool you're sticking out of your hand now. I'm making a right to turn the backer to my star. But, what about a rose, a bus to Luigi? A bus to buy a bus. Luigi Baskill writes another letter to his mama Baskill, describing his adventures in America. Life with Luigi is a sign of our production that is written by Mack Menoff and Lou Demond and directed by Mack Menoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Baskill with Alan Reed as the swan. Bob Connery, the Shultz from Maryship, fires Miss Fawkes. Music is under the direction of Lynn Murray. Bob Stevens is speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting Center.