 Sunday it's the Lord's Day. What a great day to be alive. Have you thanked Jesus for your life? I hope you have. I really hope you have. If do, you should do it right now. When I wake up each morning I've gotten in the habit of literally waking up and before my feet hit the floor I say thank you Lord for another chance to love you and to serve you. It's such a beautiful honor to be His and to claim His name right as Savior. So I am so happy to be with you this morning and to share with you a little bit about my life and how Christ has worked in it. It's one of my favorite things to share, not because it's about me which if you knew my old self you would think that, but because it's about Christ. And this is my first time here being here at this conference defending the faith and I was thinking about all of what you have been going through all weekend and the amazing talks, the inspiration, the adoration, all of these things that are coming forming this apostle within you right? And all the ways that we can learn our faith more, defend our faith in the world as well. And when I was thinking about that and thinking about this entire conference and your role in it, my role in it, our role in this bigger purpose of what God has in store, which we may or may not ever know at this point, I began thinking about the power and the need of testimony. Because more than likely, more than likely, your biggest challenges in life, your biggest challenges within the faith won't be centered around a Facebook comment box about somebody on the internet who's wrong about the faith. The biggest challenges sometimes in your faith won't come from a Thanksgiving dinner with family and friends who have fallen away from the faith or questioning what the church teaches. I believe that our biggest challenges in faith rely within our very selves, that the apologetics that we learn and how to defend the faith, how will they help you defend against the fear within your own heart, the doubt that you have, how to make sense of suffering that you've experienced. You see, the beauty of apologetics is that it does help us understand and explain our faith, which we need, but it will mean nothing if you cannot use all that God's given you to answer within you, within your conscience, the fears you have, the doubts you hold on to. And that's the beauty of what apologetics should do. It should do. In my life, I had a lot of fears and doubts. There was a lot of suffering as well. And it reminds me of this moment that happened actually just about a year ago. I'm at the circus with my first born Agnes. And Agnes and I are there and we're going through this little circus that they have. And outside of the tent, there is the elephant who's getting some exercise. You've probably seen it before, right? It's the big elephant. He's got the chain around his leg and it goes, chain carries it up to the center. And the elephant walks round and round, right? Round and round. And we're just looking at it. I don't even notice it. Don't make a mention of it. But Agnes, who is four, it looks at it and says, Mom, why doesn't he leave? I thought, it's a really good question. Why doesn't that elephant leave? So we go over to the elephant and I know that there's a trainer or someone there, and I ask him the question. Okay, so this is silly. I know my daughter's asking, would you mind to help me understand? He goes, oh yeah, it's no problem. We get that question all the time. So what happens is, is that when the elephant's really young, we take it away from its mama and then we put a chain on it and put the stake in the ground. And obviously, as you clearly know, this guy doesn't have kids because I'm like holding my daughter's ears. And I'm like, this is going to like break her heart, pull it away from its mom. Agnes is like holding onto my leg tighter and tighter. And so he tells us, and then we, you know, we get it to kind of go around in a circle so that it can still get some exercise while it's outside. And in the beginning, the baby elephant pulls and tries to get that stake out of the ground. And it's useless. It doesn't happen. And so the elephant learns, the baby elephant learns that it can't leave. So it just resigns itself to walking in circles. That's probably the best analogy for my life in the past. I kept walking in circles. I was walking and walking and walking. But the funny part is, I wasn't moving. I wasn't going anywhere. Just because you're walking doesn't mean you're really progressing, right? And so that's, that's how my life kind of began. I just kept going and going and doing the things that people thought I should do or doing the things that I thought I should do, but I wasn't even making any progress. For me in my life and my faith, this really began to take a turn when I was 15. When I was 15 things began to change. Things began to change from me in a very, very real way. My family moved from Oklahoma where I was born and raised to St. Louis, Missouri, where they still live today. And when I moved from Oklahoma to St. Louis, I got this new group of friends. And by the time I was 15, things began to change in my faith. And maybe you got kids just like me. But for me, it wasn't because I thought the church was wrong. It wasn't because I thought, you know, oh, this is like the worst ever praying the rosary every night. I didn't really mind it. My parents still had to drag us in. Don't let me make sure I'm very clear about that one. But we were all there. It was a very normal family. You know, my dad is leading the rosary. My brothers are like picking their nose and putting boogers on people. My mom's disciplining during the rosary and all my dad's doing is how he decides to handle it is just say the hell Mary louder and louder and louder. So by the end of it, it's like, hell Mary, you are begging Mary to come down from heaven and like put people in corners, you know. So that's my family rosary just to make you feel better about your own life. Like there are crazies out there just like you, right? We're all in it together. But but but my my drift from the faith wasn't really because of because of those things, of course. In fact, those are the things that kind of grounded me later on. I experienced though a little bit of the world and I began to experience a misunderstanding of what love was. At 15, I lost my virginity. It was an experience and a time in my life where I thought that the world was came crashing down. I made a free will choice. I made a free will choice at that point in time to do something that I obviously would regret immediately afterward. Because of that choice at 15, and because of my family and being raised Catholic, I mean my family was the one who had like the reserve pew in church, the front row, like those are where the daros sit don't sit there, you know. My mom and dad were active in the church. They were Eucharistic ministers. They led wedding preparations for couples. And I was the one that screwed up. I'm the oldest of six kids. So when this happened to me at 15, when I made this choice, it was really my fear that brought me away from my faith. I didn't think God would forgive me. I thought I have been given so much, so much. I have parents that love each other, that are still together. I have parents that love the faith. They talk about Jesus and I screwed up. And that voice from the devil began to get louder and louder. I can't believe that you did that. You should know better, Leah. And I began to listen to that voice, the voice of the world, the microphone the devil uses to bring as many people in as he can. I didn't think I could be forgiven. I didn't think there's any hope for me. And that's when things began to really fall apart when I began to lose hope. I began to lose hope in my life as what I thought it could be with Christ. And because I lost hope, it was pretty easy to lose faith. Because I didn't think I belonged. I'd look in church and I'd see all of you and I thought, God will forgive you. God loves you. But not me. Not me. There's no way. I screwed up so big and I'm so young and I screwed up this big. Nobody will ever love me. No man's gonna ever love me because he'll know my past. God will look at me and be like, you should know better. I've given you so much. And I listened to the devil call me up by my sins because that's what he does. He calls us by our sins even though he knows our name. But Christ calls us by our name. I did not embrace that truth enough. And I listened to those fears that were circling inside my head. And that really honestly began the turning point for me. Believe it or not, when people ask me, well, what happened? And when you lost your faith for 10 years, what do you think was the root of that? And there's a lot of answers. But this one experience and it granted, it wasn't necessarily the sin itself. It was me after that moment of not embracing Christ's mercy, of thinking that I was wasted talent, wasted goods, that I was unlovable by the world, by maybe a future husband and even God himself. I had those fears and I had that doubt and I couldn't even defend myself in that moment. That allowed me to turn towards the world. It's very easy to turn towards the world when you lose faith and you lose hope. And the world ended up reconstructing maybe even what love was. So then I had a disorder view of what love is. I didn't see it as doing the very best for the beloved. I saw it as doing the very best for me or maybe put it this way. I took Aquinas' understanding of love, of willing what's best for the beloved and I was the beloved. I will do what's ever best for me. And that was my definition of love. And I looked towards the world after that point and it became easier because I didn't think I belonged at church. I didn't think I belonged at the Catholic conference or anything like that, no way. Not because I didn't want to. I just didn't think I was... they would take a center like me if they really knew. And I turned towards the world with that and it made it really easy to look at the world and see what they were offering. And the world told me as a woman that I am my exterior, right? How I look is the utmost importance. And what I do with how I look will get me anywhere I want to go. So I went into and I pursued a profession of fashion and modeling. I made the big leap to audition for the TV show America's Next Top Model and I got on so I'm guilty of that. Has anybody here seen America's Next Top Model? There's just a few hands. It's awesome. All right now put your hands down. Now raise your hands if you have not. Raise your hands if you have not. Congratulations! Congratulations! You may have more brain cells than the rest of us. I don't know if science hasn't told us yet, but I'm just saying reality TV. Nothing close to reality, right? I mean reality TV is where fake news started, okay? Nothing real. Nothing real about it. Nothing real. I auditioned for Cycle 3 of America's Next Top Model. I got on that show. I was there and I'm telling you something. It even surprised me and I was on the show. I mean I willingly went on. Nobody twisted my arm. I knew I was going to be filmed. I just didn't realize the extent of it. And just really quickly so you understand how, give you examples of how fake it is. They film you 24 hours a day, seven days a week. No surprise it is a TV show. However I didn't realize, like I said, the extent of it. I remember when we got into the suite in New York where we were staying, the cameramen were all around. They were hitting cameras in pillows and in rugs in your beds. We found them. When we walked in, one of the things that I noticed, and I was one of the older contestants on the show. I was 23 at the time of being on the show and I think everybody else was like 11 or something. But I'm like, weren't you in school anyway. But maybe it's because, I don't know, maybe it was because I was older that I was aware of some of these things that the other girls just like completely were oblivious to. But I walked in and I realized into the bedroom there's no door. There's no door. It was taken off of the hinges. And then I walked a little bit further into the bedroom and I see the bathroom. There's no door to the bathroom. You walk into the bathroom, walk even further to the shower and you see that there's no shower curtain. Let me just remind you all the cameramen are cameramen, not women. They film you about an arms length distance away the entire time. We had to hold up towels over ourself as we used the restroom for privacy. Other girls we would team up and be like, okay, who wants to take a shower first? Who's in line? Okay. And then we would hold a towel up while the cameraman is back filming the entire thing. What do you think that they do with that footage? I don't know. Your guess is as good as mine. The reality is that in reality TV what it is based on how it gets ratings is two words based on two words. Human brokenness. Reality TV is one of those things that reminds me. I was just in Rome a week ago and I'm sitting there looking at the Colosseum. I'm looking at this Colosseum and I'm thinking about all of all of the people, all of the Christians that were murdered, martyred right there in the center of that Colosseum. And then I think about everybody who was in the stands, everybody who was sitting, watching, cheering, jeering over who they wanted to win, who they wanted to die, who they wanted to survive. And I'm thinking today, today's Colosseum, how different is it? We're all sitting there in front of our TVs. We're watching certain shows, we're watching reality TV and we're watching human brokenness and we're voting of who we like better, who we want to win, who we want to make it to this way. See the problem with reality TV, one of the many problems and the problem with most of social media today is that we are entertained by human brokenness and that my friends is wrong. It is evil. It is pure evil to be entertained and to be okay and to consume human brokenness so that we can be entertained by it. My brokenness should not entertain you. Your brokenness should not be entertaining me. You see back then I didn't understand all these things and what was going on. I just saw it once again because of my bad definition of love that I'm going to do whatever I'm going to do for me to get myself moving forward in the world. Because I had lost faith, hope and love really within my self around 15. I turned towards the world and the world said, hey, listen, you're fine. It's no problem. Just try harder, right? Keep going. Hustle, hustle, hustle. So I went towards that. On America's Next Top Model after I was eliminated on the show, I decided to live in New York and continue my modeling career there, which I did professionally for a few years. I was working for major fashion labels, did the New York runway shows, all of it. My paycheck had a comma in it and I was very excited as a college grad. There's a comma. I was so happy. Never happened to me before. So things were moving. I was making more money than I could spend. I was making more money that I could even possibly even attempt to be happy with. My bank account was full. I had zero real friends and I was miserable. But my picture was in Times Square. My picture was on the side of taxicabs, on the side of subways. And for some crazy reason, I thought that mattered. I began to have my identity and my worth wrapped up in it and I forgot who I was. I forgot who I was made to be. And so I took this version that the world offered that they said I should be of what I should look like, what I should wear, how much I should weigh, what color my hair should be, even all of it. All the exterior things, what type of career I should have, how I should act, the types of people that I should look forward in my little squad, all of it. And I took their advice, the world's advice, and it was clearly leading me down a path that I didn't want to be. I was incredibly unhappy. I'll admit it to you completely. I was miserable. But I had to pretend that I'm tough. I had to pretend. No, I'm fine. I'm fine. I remember walking down. I've been working down one of the streets in New York. One of the most intense moments for me and I firmly believe God placed this man in my life and he has no idea the impact of what he did at this one moment. But I'm walking down New York and it was a long, you know, sidewalk and it was early in the morning. There wasn't a lot of people out yet. And I was using the sidewalk to practice my runway walk. I know. I'm that vain. Okay? It's disgusting, but at least I'm honest about it. You know, my past self, God help me. So I'm walking down the sidewalk. And of course, as you probably are aware of models who are on the runway, they walk with that face that's so stern. It looks like we're so hungry, you know, like feed me now. Is that angry look? True. I mean, we are totally hungry. Anyway, so I'm walking down. I've got the look down and everything. And I see this businessman in a suit. Normal walking towards me, walking on the sidewalk as well. He's on my left. I keep walking and he just keeps making eye contact with me. I'm trying not to make eye contact with him. I'm like, listen, we live in New York. We don't do eye contact. It's just like, yeah, I see another human being there and moving on, you know? But he keeps looking at me. He keeps looking at me. And I'm kind of slowly looking at him and then looking down again and trying to like avoid it. It gets to be awkward. As he gets closer to me, this small smile creeps on his face and he gets a little bit closer to me as he's walking towards me and I'm trying to like move over to the sidewalk like to get away. And he gets up close and he has his hand out and he reaches and as he, as I walk by him, he grabs my arm gently and he looks at me and he goes, smile. It's not that bad. It's the simplest phrase and it still tears me up to just share it. I remember looking at him and being so mad, like, get off me. And I remember just like being, and he, you know, he, he was so polite and he just kept walking. That was it. That was the interaction. I started crying immediately, just crying. I'm walking down Fifth Avenue, just crying, being like, why am I crying? What was it about that another human being looked at me in the eyes and smiled at me and told me to smile that made it so difficult for me to believe that it's not that bad. And it was a realization that I looked at my life and I thought, you know what? It feels that bad though. It feels that bad in my life. I'm supposed to be at this place where everybody thinks that, you know, I should be happy, but I'm not. I've hit success points, but I don't feel successful. I feel lost. I feel forsaken. That man in his words was one of the best things that could have ever happened to me, because it awakened in me this desire of like, of truth, of I'm not happy. Why am I not happy? Well, Leah, that's a long story. And I had to go back and begin to uncover all the things that maybe I was doing in my life that I was choosing that were making me unhappy. I was living a very unhealthy lifestyle to say the least. And this isn't to make the story sound better or anything, but I was within inches of my life multiple times due to my own choosing. My parents were absolutely scared to death when they would see a New York number come up on the caller ID. This is before like names were attached to it and everything else. And you would just say a New York number. And they were scared because they were scared it was going to be a police officer, an ER doctor, somebody to say that they've found me overdosed or a million other varieties of way that I could die back then. And they were right to be scared. They had every right to be afraid of that New York number on their caller ID because my life was not definitely wasn't pointing due north. I was trying to fill all of the emptiness with anything I could with men, with relationships, with drinking, with alcohol, with drugs, you name it, anything. And when you try to cover vice with vice, it doesn't get you any closer to virtue. I kept in that lifestyle for a while and then at one point I thought things might be changing. I got a phone call from an international magazine and they said, hey listen, we saw you on top model. We think you're great. You're really cute. And of course right then and there I'm listening because they're flattering me. Tell me more. Tell me more. And they're like, well, we think you've got more to offer. So why don't you come with us and do this shoot? We're an international magazine. It's going to go all over the world. It'll be great. And I ate it up. There one thing that hooked me, I said yes, even before they finished the sentence was, we think you have more to offer. What? Like yes, yes, yes, that is exactly what I want to hear and I believe it too. And I knew it. I knew I had something more to offer. I had no clue what it was, but it was something and I wanted to do that. And that's actually what I see today in every single young adult that I meet in my work. They are thirsty, starving to be told you have more to offer. You have more to offer than this. They want someone to believe in them. They want someone to say, you can do this. It is hard, but you can do this. I wanted that same thing too. So I listened and I said yes to their entire proposal, which was, okay, so you have this great girl next door look. Very, very nice. But we think you've got more to offer. We think you can be sexy and soul tree. So we're going to do this great photo shoot, you know, makeup, outfit, everything so we can achieve this look. And it's going to be wonderful. You're going to go all over the world with our magazine because it's international and it's going to bump up your career. And I'm like, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I said yes to this without even thinking, even if I thought I probably would still said yes, kept with it. Now when I look back on that conversation, I think that I hear something different. It's kind of like learning to have the ears of heaven in our life, right? You have to have ears of heaven because everything that you get offered in the world, everything that you hear isn't always for your benefit, right? And the reality is it's because they don't love you. They don't love me. The world doesn't. Wasn't meant to. It's not like it's a surprise. Jesus said that very clearly. Did not meant any words. Oh yeah, by the way, world's going to hate you. Oh, okay, Jesus. But now when I think back at that conversation, I think the translation in terms of what heaven heard was more like this. Hey, Leah, we think you've got something more to offer. We have this extra ticket to hell. Do you want to come? And I'm like, thank you. I hate me. Let's go. You know, I mean, I think in reality, that's really the conversation that heaven was hearing. And you have to realize that there are very clear decisions. Some lead to the path of righteousness and some don't. They don't. And we shouldn't be scared to say that or to meant any words. So what was my decision? Oh yeah, I was like, yes, I'll take that ticket. Round trip. Here we go. Or maybe it was one way. I took I took the job. I got into hair and makeup on the day of the shoot. Everything seemed to be pretty normal. They're fixing me up. It's all great. And they will in this rack of clothes. They will in this rack of clothes. And I was very uncomfortable with this with the choices that they had there for me. And I find that interesting because my life that I was the life that I was leading was very immodest. It was very immodest, all of it altogether. The beautiful virtue of modesty is not just about clothes. It's your whole life that you're thinking. It's what you hear. It's everything that you take in. And then how you portray it outward as well. And yet the clothing options that were given to me matched my lifestyle. But I did not want to put them on. I felt uncomfortable because clothing is an interesting little thing. Fashion is interesting. Our clothing, our fashions, they speak. They communicate. They communicate to the world something about us. I know when I see a woman in a beautiful ensemble, beautiful black dress that happens to have a veil with it as well. Maybe there's a little white peeking out. I know something about her. I don't even know her name, but I know who she believes in. I know how she spends her day, probably. Now, and if this wasn't Halloween, I think more than likely I would be right, correct? See, our fashions speak to the world. They say something about us. They may not immediately say, I follow Jesus. But there are definitely some outfits out there that we can put on that say we don't. Even if it's incorrect, the fashion speaks something else. And I was concerned about these pieces of fashion that I was putting on. I'm like, no, if I put that on, it'll be obvious that no, I don't align myself to Christian morals. And I was uncomfortable. The stylist could sense my hesitation and she's like, are you all right? And I'm like, you know what? Could you just bring out some more clothing options for me? And she's like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. If you don't want to wear these things, you don't have to. I'm like, great. And she's like, yeah, but you got to go. Like what? She goes, yes, you have to leave. We're here to feature this designer. You're just the hanger. It's true. I talk about this a lot in my book. I'm just the hanger. That profession in and of itself does nothing to help humanity. I don't care how you spend it. We're looked at as hangers. I realized then, I don't like what you said, but you're right. You're right. I'm the puppet. You're pulling the strings. Of course, for me at that point, I wasn't brave. I didn't have courage like you have. So I put on an outfit. Oh, no, no, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I didn't want to make waves. And we kept going. I began to model and we got into the shoot picture after picture was taken. And I began that uncomfortableness, that hesitation, reminding me of that moment when that guy was approaching me saying, it's not that bad. All of it started to be welling up within me. I kept literally like shaking it, like shaking it out of my head, like thinking if I just shook my head enough, like all these ideas would just get away from me. And I remember the survey, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I got into another position. They took a Polaroid of me to test the lighting of where I was, which is pretty typical. They showed me the Polaroid picture of myself so I could see what my pose was if I needed to adapt anything or change. I said, it was good. I gave it back to them. We got going. I remember this one last moment. I'm in my pose. I'm ready. I'm looking at the photographer straight ahead. I hit my pose and I made the rookie move. I looked straight into the flash. Flash hit and I was like, ugh. And so I have to hold up my finger like this so I can regain my focus. They give me some time and I'm blinking really quickly. I'm getting very nervous trying to like not waste their time. Trying to get my focus back. And inside my head though, I see something inside my head. I see like this little movie is playing and I see myself wearing the outfit that I was modeling. Didn't alarm me at all because I just saw the Polaroid of myself. No big deal. But I noticed that I had my hands cut together in my waist like this. And then I raised them all the way up. And then I saw out and up above me, just the profile of a man's face. Just a profile, a shadowy profile of a man's face. Nothing more. I raised my hands up to him to give him what was in them. And then I saw his head just bow and hang in disappointment. I pulled my hands right back down to see what was inside of them, what was so disappointing. And I looked down and I look into them and I see it. I saw nothing. There's nothing. At that moment, I heard five words on my heart. Five words that changed my life then. That's still due to this day. I heard five words slow and strong. I made you for more. I thought, what? I kept blinking a little bit more thinking, what's going on? I heard it again. I made you for more. I wanted to deny it. And I heard it again. I made you for more. At that point, the photographer snapping his fingers. Leah, focus. Get back into it. And I couldn't. I couldn't. To be honest with you, I really had no idea what was going on. It was a very real possibility. I thought that I was actually mentally losing it. I thought that maybe I need to go see somebody. I'm hearing voices. I just saw something like what? But there was also this sense of deep peace. And then with that came some supernatural courage that I know is not from me. I stood up and I looked at the photographer and I said, I have to go. He said, what? I said, no. I have to go. I have to leave. He began to nicely beg me to stay. I went straight into the dressing room, took off their clothes, put on mine, grabbed my bags, and I began walking this long distance to the door. I walked all the way. And the voices that I heard from everybody there in the beginning sounded like it's no problem. Listen, everybody feels this way in the beginning. You're going to be okay. It's great. You're beautiful. Come on. Let's keep going. When they realized that I was not changing my mind and that I was walking out of the photo shoot, mid-shoot, their voices began to change. And the things that I heard began to be those ugly, terrible things you would never want to read in the comment section on Facebook. I began to hear things like, you're pathetic. We're doing tire banks a favor to have you on the shoot. You're ugly. You're not thin enough. You have cellulite. A million different things they had talked to me in every possible way. I heard everything that you would not want to hear. I heard it all and I remember just at that time it was like a wall. Normally that would penetrate and just pierced me. It was a wall and everything was bouncing off of it. I get to the door. I have my hand on the door and I remember hearing this like screeching voice from the photographer saying, Leah, if you leave, if you leave right now, you're going to be a nobody. You're going to be a nobody. Do you hear me? You'll be a nobody. I'll make sure of it. I turned and I looked at him and I just said, do you promise? Do you promise I'll be a nobody to you? Thank you. There comes a time in all of our lives where we'll have to answer that same thing. The world will say, if you don't do it my way, you'll be a nobody. I know Christ gave me a supernatural courage to even respond that way and he'll give it to you as well to be able to say, yep, I'll take it. Do you promise? I walked out of that photo shoot, walked down Fifth Avenue, crying like crazy, mascara all dripping down my face. I look like a crazy New Yorker or maybe normal. New Yorker depends on your definition of New York. Lovely people, little wild and loud but lovely. I walked all the way down Fifth Avenue and went back to my apartment. I got into my apartment and I did the only thing a girl could do. I called my dad. I called home and my dad answered and at first I couldn't even speak and he says a second time, hello? And I was able to slowly utter out of my mouth, very shaky, crying. I just said dad, dad if you don't come and get me, I'm going to lose my soul and there was this very long pause and I just waited. I waited and then dad finally spoke and he said okay baby, I'm coming to get you. My dad packed up and drove 2,000 miles to come get me. 2,000 miles to come pick up his selfish, vain, prideful, messed up little girl. I remember waiting for that time and it just felt like eternity. My mom tells me later that when my dad got the phone call and he hung up my mom rushed up the stairs because she saw the New York number and she was so scared and she said Patrick, Patrick what is it? Is Leah okay? Is Leah okay? And my dad sat on the edge of the bed with a tear coming down his face and he just said we got her back. We got her back. I don't think I realized, I know I didn't realize as a child how much I could affect my parents. We're pretty selfish like that as kids. I didn't realize that my mom tells me that after he said that he just got up and immediately went to the bed, went underneath the bed and pulled out a duffel bag. And he began just packing and stuffing socks and underwear, socks and underwear into the bag. Just packing up. Mom said he was just going so fast, so fast like he was emptying the drawer for this trip. And my mom is screaming from across the bed, Patrick pack pants. Pack pants. You know guys are funny. It's like the bare necessities like you know keep your feet clean and keep your drawers clean and then you're good you know. It's anything else. It's just whatever. My dad packs up that bag he gets in the car and he drives 2,000 miles to New York City to come pick me up. 2,000 miles. I now know as a new parent the number does not matter. The miles don't matter. We will go to the links of the universe for our children. If we would travel the globe, if we would somehow raise money to get a rocket to the moon, if that's where our kid was, what do you think God the Father will do for you? If we would just go to the moon, just one planet away. God is the creator of the universe. What will he do for you? I'll give you the answer. Jesus. Jesus is the answer. The one word that contains all is Jesus. That is what happens. My dad gets to the door of my apartment and he knocks. I know it's my dad. I don't even have to look out the window to see if it's my dad, because my dad's got the knuckles of a grizzly bear. And when he knocks on a door, you know Patrick Darrow's knocking on your door, you know. There ain't nobody else who's got a knock like my dad. I go to the door. I'm a mess. I am a hot mess. Crying, snot. Just everything is just blech. And I'm also prepared to handle what he's going to dish out to me. I was 25 years old at this point. It had been 10 years. I'd been away from the church for 10 years. I wouldn't even pray because I didn't think that I should. I didn't receive the sacraments. 10 years. And I was waiting for my dad to tell me anything and it would have been just. It would have been just. You've been a bad example to your five younger bows and sisters. You've wasted opportunity, talents, money, blah, blah, blah. All of it. I was like, okay, fine. You know what? I deserve it. I'm going to take it. So I opened up the door in that space. I opened up the door and this is what I see. I see my father. He's a pretty big dude. He's tall and wide. He's got one foot in front of the other. His knees are bent. His arms are out like this. I opened up the door to this. I opened up the door and then he lunges at me and he says, I am so happy to see you. Right? Good for dad. Of course, you know, as a selfish child, I'm like, you know, like why would you answer the door like that? I've got neighbors. I live in New York. Someone's going to hurt you if you answer the door like that. And I'm like, hi. And I'm thinking you've had way too much coffee. You should not be happy to see me. I'm the worst of the worst. The worst kid on the planet. And you know that. I remember hearing at Thanksgiving dinners with extended family that Leah was the black sheep. That Leah would never come back to that faith. She is so lost. She is so into herself. Did you see what she does? I heard those things. I heard them and I began to believe them and own them and just keep that little chip on my shoulder. Fine. Fine. Then I'll just be that girl. So I'm thinking, how could you possibly be happy to see me? But dad doesn't even give me time to think. He just keeps talking. You wonder where I get it from, right? Dad says he's happy to see me. And he's like, hey, listen, listen, I've never been to New York. So before we leave, I want to see Central Park. And I want to go to Carnegie Deli and eat this big Rubin sandwich I saw on the food network because I got to have it. That's my dad. My dad actually has a list that he keeps by his lazy boy of all the places he must eat before he dies. It's true. It's true. Some people want to travel the world. My dad wants to eat the world. So I'm just thinking, you want to go to the park and you want to go to Carnegie. And he's come all these different places. I'm thinking, I'm only at the point of spiritual despair. But yeah, the park and food sound like a good idea. Let's make sure you get that sandwich, dad. And frankly, I don't even care. I found that late, which you already know, that sin is exhausting. It's exhausting. And it's even more exhausting when you carry it. Sin after sin after sin. You're exhausted. You're exhausted by your past. It's like that chain with the elephant. We keep walking round and round and round. You keep walking, but you ain't going anywhere. I was exhausted. I was like, you know what, I don't even care. You want to go to the park, you want to get a sandwich, dad? That's fine. I grabbed my keys. My dad does not move from the door frame of my apartment. He's never entered in. He's just standing right there. I grabbed my keys and I'm like, okay, do you want to go? Let's get that sandwich, dad. And he just doesn't move and he gets real serious. And he looks at me directly in my eyes and he looks at me and he says, yes, but first, first we go to confession. And I have got the deer in headlights look and I'm like, oh, you said confession. I think I'll take the Ruben over. Confession. And he doesn't hesitate. Leah, you called and you said you wanted to come home. I'm here to take you home and Jesus is home. The Catholic church is home. Amen. Amen. My dad was right. You all know it. I found out late. My dad was right. Jesus is home. The church is home. I am so thankful that I had someone in my life who is brave, brave enough to speak truth to me, brave enough to tell me where to go when I needed help. And we all have that opportunity. I can imagine there's someone in your life who needs truth. I imagine there's someone in your life who is suffering, who is hurting, who is broken. Are you brave enough to tell them that you know a man who can help? Are you brave enough to do that? I pray to God that you are because people are counting on it. People are counting on it. It was hard to hear. It was hard to do, but I know that my dad was right. He was giving me a kick in the pants that I needed. Dad saw me broken. He saw me suffering and he's like, I know who can help you and it's not me. And it's not a different zip code. It's not moving home or a different job. The problem is, is that you have got broken pieces in your heart and the only one who could put it back together is the one who made it go back to him. My dad was right. And right then and there we got in the car and we circled around and we found a church, which I don't know why that was hard. It is New York. There's one on almost every single corner that I avoided for years, but I found one. I walked in. No phone call, no appointment. This wasn't a Saturday at four o'clock. This is like a Tuesday at two. I walk into this church and I'm, you know, of course, but I'm going to be honest with you. I walk in all the lights are off. I'm like, perfect. I'll just do it once over. I'll walk through the church, you know, because my dad told me that I should do and then I'll come back up like dad, you know, nobody there. So let's just go back to St. Louis and I'll just, I'll go to confession in St. Louis and I'll take the time during the drive to think about things. Yeah, right. I was just trying to postpone, you know, the inevitable. So I walk in the lights are off. I'm so excited. I'm like, okay, this is good. So I walk around and I'm walking towards the back of the church and I'm like looking at the church too because I've been, you know, almost a decade since I've been in one and I realized nothing has changed. The 2,000 years, the church, still the same. Walk through and I walk towards the back almost to the exit and I walk by this door that's slightly open. I honestly didn't notice it that much, but I walk by it and as I'm walking by it, I hear a voice of a man and all he says is, are you there? And I, if I wasn't in heels, I would, I would demonstrate for you. I literally fell down to my knees screaming, no. This guttural no, right? I can imagine what this priest was thinking. Are you there? No. He had been like, oh my gosh, where's my address his book? Like the devil is here, you know? Oh man, I couldn't believe it. And I turn around and I obviously see that was a confessional and I'm like, you got to be kidding me. Oh, and I remember just being like, oh my gosh. I mean, I just walked in, you know? It's like being in college and you walk to the test that you didn't study for and you know you're going to flunk it, but some, for some reason on free will, you still walk to the test to take the test you're going to flunk. That's not you. That was just me. Okay, well that was me. I'm walking into the confessional being like, this is going to be bad. I'm walking in. I know it's going to happen. You know, I walk in. There's the beautiful screen, you know? And I kneel down in front of the screen. I know some of you love the chair and you go to the chair to the face to face. And let me tell you something good for you. You're my heroes. I love you. Not me. I like my screen. If the screen's not there, I'm holding up the purse. Father, can you hear me through the leather? Scared to death that I'll be recognized, you know? Or that he might recognize like, you know, whatever it is, how I look or even my shoes. I'm so scared if he like even recognizes my shoes, I'll like go up to communion right after the confession and then I'll go up and he'll be like, uh, body. Oh, you're that sinner. Get back in line. You haven't done that penance yet? I know that's crazy. Like that's not at all what happens, but my mind is a little, you know, my imagination is a little too wild and so I'm so scared. So the point is I love my screen. All right. I love my screen. I'm in front of the screen and I tell the priest, okay, Father, it's been about 10 years and he is so patient with me. All right. I tell him how scared I am. I start breaking down. I'm crying. I'm like, I don't even know what to say. The things that I've done have been so dark and twisted. I'm embarrassed to admit them out loud. And he says, you know what? Why don't we do this? Why don't you say the worst thing you got first? Maybe get that one out of the way. And I thought, okay, okay, sure, sure, sure. Sounds like a great idea. So I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I'm thinking. I take some time. I guess I took a little bit too much time because the priest leans into the screen. He's like, are you still there? I lean into the screen and I'm like, patience is still a virtue, right? I really said that. This is a true story. This is my life. Can you imagine? Like, you know it's bad. You know it's bad when you're sitting in the confessional. You've reached a new low, people. Welcome to my life. So I'm there. And of course, I'm sure he's backing away thinking, I am so sorry. I was just making sure you're still there. So I get everything ready. I think, okay, Father, I think I'm ready. And boom, I give Christ the worst than I thought I had. He peacefully just says, okay, you're talking to Jesus. Give him the next one. Boom, I gave him the next one. The priest leans in one more time. He's like, okay, so maybe you should have said the second one first. And I was like, oh, okay, okay. And then the next thing is, you know what, forget the list. Forget, just say whatever comes to mind. I think the priest is like, I don't even know what I'm working with here, you know. I have found that God works in my life a lot of times through humor and it did actually relieve me a little bit in that moment of being like, oh, okay, sorry. But the point is, the point is I gave everything to Christ. I gave him everything. I didn't pretend to be a better person or better Catholic, try to impress the priest. It doesn't matter. I said, you know what, here's the truth. I am broken and I'm hurting and I don't want to hurt anymore and I want to be put back together. And I only Christ can do that for me. So you know what, Christ, I'm going to show all my cards. This is all I got. This is all I got. And I gave Christ everything. I admitted every single sin I could that I could possibly remember. I gave everything to him in that one confessional. As a priest, absolved me from my sins, he asked me if he could come around and shake my hand. I was nervous and scared because I liked that screen, you know? I said, okay. He walked around. He shook my hand and I just started crying and then he just put his arms around me and he just let me cry. Thank you priest for being such good fathers. Thank you. It was a beautiful, a beautiful and a very healing moment for me. I've never, I never got his name. I don't need to, but I'm so thankful for the priesthood and for fathers who are real fathers who take care of their flock. I walked out of that confessional, as you can imagine, with a peace that I had not experienced in a long time and with a commitment to not laws, not points that I can defend my faith. I had a commitment to a person, to Jesus and I knew at that point it would take a while, but I wanted everything to kind of fall back into place so that my life could be an authentic expression of Jesus Christ as best as I could because the reality is, and it still was then it is today, that I am broken, but I am redeemed. We are broken, but we are redeemed. You see testimonies, witness stories, they're not just good stories. Your story, my story is not just some good story to tell on a day as he gets inspired. No, this is the living person of Jesus Christ working through another living person. You see the reality is that you may be the only copy of the gospel people will read. Your life, your testimony of Christ is like a walking living gospel in the world. What will we share? What will we do with our life? Are we open to surrendering our whole life to Christ and not just that part that's convenient, but will you surrender the pain? Will you surrender your doubt and your fear to Christ so he can make you new? One of my favorite passages in the gospel of Matthew is Matthew 1112. It fires me up every single time I read it and it says in there, from the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven has suffered violence and men of violence take it by force. What does that mean? It means that heaven is not full of couch potatoes. It means that heaven is not full of people who just happened upon heaven. Well, this is a nice place. I think I'll stay here. The other place is very hot. Now, what Christ is telling us is that there is a certain type of violence we must do of rooting out sin of asking Christ to come in and redeem us in those ways that transformative power that he has because we have to fight for it. You fight for what you believe and we love a challenge. We don't want things that are easy. It's in our nature to be saints. Christ has called us to that. He has made us for more, but do you believe it? Do you own it? Do you accept it and will you live it out in the world? Those are the questions that you must answer, and you can only answer them for yourself. No one else will do it for you. As John Paul II said, you are unique and you are unrepeatable. Your life is a unique, unrepeatable expression of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Your life is a unique and unrepeatable expression of Jesus Christ. There is nothing else that matters than that. Nothing. You can learn as much as you want. Last year, I graduated with my Master's in Theology. I studied and I read amazing books and wonderful things, but at the end of the day, at the end of it, I remember one of my professors saying, it does not matter unless you know him. Do you know him? Do you accept him? Do you love him? Do you experience that? Because it means nothing unless you know the person you preach about. It means nothing if you don't love the person you preach about. You see, witness is so important. Your testimony is so important in the world because Jesus is. Jesus is the very first witness. He is the testimony of God's love for us. Jesus is our witness. Jesus is our testimony and is called upon us as duties, as a duty, as a follower of Christ to accept him into our life as that powerful witness and let him work in us in our hands and our feet and in our hearts to share his love and his mercy to all. Amen. Amen. God love you. Thank you so much.