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JAP Battle (EXPLICIT) - "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend"

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Published on Feb 29, 2016

BUY THE SONG: https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/jap...

Written by Zach Sherwin
Additional writers: Adam Schlesinger and Rachel Bloom
Starring Rachel Bloom and Rachel Grate

"JAP Battle" Explicit

Audra Levine:
This is real deep beef from way
Back in the past. Deeper than I'll
Put a foot up in the crack of your
Ass.

Come on, let's do this. Your
Little pals can witness how
Vicious this Westchester alpha
Bitch is. I'm straight up malicious.
A verbal curb stomper. Since we
Were toddlers, I've studied every
Chink in your armor, and between
Your folks' divorce and that haircut
On ya I'm really not sure which one's
The Bigger Shondeh.

Rebecca:
That means "disgrace." I'm translating
For the Goys. Our life lines have
Been parallel like corduroys.
But no we'll see whose bars will
Prevail in this beef of two hard-as-nails
Shebrews from Scarsdale!

Audra Levine:
We've got a conflict of interest.

Rebecca:
I'm about to give Levine the
Business.

Audra Levine:
Spttin' venomous hate --

Rebecca:
Penetratin' her defenses --

Audra Levin & Rebecca:
It's a JAP Battle.

Darryl:
A what?

New York Lawyers:
A Jewish American Princess...

Audra Levine:
Rap battle.

Darryl, Paula, & Josh:
Daughters of privilege...

Audra Levine:
Spittin' mad flow.

New York Lawyers:
Find that term offensive?

Audra Levine:
Too bad, yo!

Audra Levine & Rebecca:
Oh snap, it's a JAP battle rap.

Rebecca:
Look: academically, you could
Never catch me. You were close,
But no match scholastically. No
How no way. I put the "O.G" in
"5.0 GPA."

Audra Levine:
Well speaking of which, are
You AP graded? 'Cause these days,
You look a bit heavily weighted.
And all your book-crackin' don't
Make up for the fact that I'm
Strapped with that killer instinct
That you lack. Sweetheart, here's
What you're not understanding:
I'm street smart.

Rebecca:
You mean 'cause you minored
In urban planning? Bitch, I know
You, that tough act's a bluff.
So sheket bevaka shut the fuck
Up!

Audra Levine:
Your temper! You lost it! Aw!
Cute! Like you're gonna lose
This lawsuit. But here's one
Category where you no rival:
Blowing frat guys with your
A.E. Pi-Hole!

Rebecca:
And I banged your hedge-fund
Manager Fiance! Back in college
Over Winter holidays. Bathroom
Stall at the Matzo Ball and Honestly?
I gotta say: Really not hot all. Small dick,
Rotten lay.

Darryl, Paula, & Josh:
This is...

Rebecca:
A JAP battle.

New York Lawyers:
Bane of my existence...

Rebecca:
You're an asshole!

Audra Levine:
From Golden's Bridge...

Rebecca:
To North Castle.

Audra Levin & Rebecca:
Wipe you off the map in this
JAP battle rap.

Audra Levine:
Bunch, you're a curse, you're a
Blight, we were frenemies at first
Spite. Think your verse is tight?
Then you're trippin' like birthright.
I'll wipe the mirth right off your
Fugly mug and fill you full of slugs
Like a straight up thug!

Rebecca:
Uh, that word is racist. Someone
Oughta tell you. Like me! I belong
To the ACLU.

Audra Levine:
Spare me. I'm a card-carrying
Member. Plus I spent a semester
In Kenya, remember?

Rebecca:
Well, I volunteered in Ghana.

Audra Levine:
Well I guess that makes us equal.

Rebecca:
Well it's settled then:

Audra Levine & Rebecca:
We're both cool with black people.

Audra Levine:
'Cause we're liberals.

Rebecca:
Duh! Progressive as hell.

Audra Levine & Rebecca:
Though of course I support
Israel.

Rebecca:
Audra. Wait. We share so many
Traits. Should we shake hands
And erase the hate created by
Our mothers pitting us against
Each other for accolades and
Grades? We were egged on like
Seder plates!

Audra Levine:
Nah. In summation, you left
New York for this fuckin' shtetl.
And now you're like "oh Audra,
Let's settle." You wanna get salty
Like the dead sea? Word. But call off
This suit, or you're dead see, word.

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