 2020's Artemis Fowl should have been titled Artemis Fowl. Just realized that Joe doesn't really translate out loud, F-O-U-L instead of F-O-W-L, because it stinks. The family and myself were looking for something fun to watch, but instead opted to try out the Artemis Fowl film. We left the couch feeling perplexed, bewildered, puzzled, other words that all kind of mean the same thing. I don't even know what we watched, honestly. The first 20 minutes is a complete slog. It's a snorefest, nothing of real consequence takes place. We learned that there's this boy named Artemis Fowl, whose father's gone missing. We learned that Josh Gad still continues to just be the worst. His voice is now gravely. And Judy Dench is in this too, also with a very gravely voice. That's kind of the theme going into this film. They both really embody Marge Simpson's sisters with the smoker's lungs. Not to get too far ahead of myself, the basic plot from what I could tell was Artemis' father has been kidnapped by a mysterious character. We don't ever really get revealed in this film because this is set up for multiple, multiple movies. I can't wait for more of them. And it's up to boy genius Artemis, criminal mastermind, to solve the mystery of where his father is and how to get him back. That's where we learned that fairies and all sorts of other magical creatures do in fact exist. Some of them are, I guess, convoluted than others. Leprechauns and fairies are apparently the same thing. I learned that today. It took me like half the film to realize that they were in fact fairies. I was just, everything about this movie is extra confusing. It reeks of a film series where the books are clearly far superior. Now I haven't read the books, although this movie has inclined me to go get them for my kids. I do think that there's probably some really good story here that if it wasn't condensed into this two hour film and had a chance to breathe and grow organically, it could be actually very compelling stuff. As it stands though, we just have a hodgepodge of characters thrown at you with almost no backstory. They're incredibly rushed. And I have no clue what's happening. Nothing in this world makes any sort of sense. I don't actually know if Artemis Fowler is a good guy or a bad guy here. The fairies are kind of dicks. Like the fairies just suck through the worst. There's this one cute little fairy who goes on a mission to stop a giant troll at a wedding. I don't know what this had to do with the rest of the film at all. And she just kind of sucks at her job. She doesn't really do a good job of handling the case. So she botches the job, whatever it even was. And then a centaur that works with the fairies we can just throw a time bubble around everything, men in black the situation and be about our merry way. Like why even send her in to begin with? Why not start with the time bubble? It's like the easiest play. So we have kind of three stories. The fairy world storyline where there's a little bit of politics and intrigue going on behind the scenes. It's not fleshed out at all. We just know there's some bad apples in the bunch. Then we have the Artemis Fowler storyline where he's just kind of rummaging around the mansion for the majority of the film. Actually I pretty much all the film just kind of like doing stuff at his computer, walking around talking to his butler whose last name is Butler, I think. Butler's got a daughter, mandatory cute black girl who is in the film for all of maybe eight minutes. Doesn't do anything of consequence. I have no idea why she was in the film outside of filling some sort of a quota that Disney has. It's just a shame. It's such a waste of a character. And then of course we can't forget Josh Gad as Mulch Digums. That name is about as on the nose as it could possibly get as he is a giant dwarf. You heard me, right? It's kind of an oxymoron who chews up mulch and dirt to bury underground, to dig tunnels, and he also steals stuff. That's his thing. The whole film comes to a head when Artemis captures one of the fairies. Like he doesn't even talk nice to her. She's kind of mean to him. There's no like sort of negotiation that takes place. He's just like straight up steals her stuff. He's like, shut up. You're my prisoner now. And she's like, I'm gonna kill you. You're gonna die. This is how fairies talk in this world. It's really quite remarkable. The fairies come in. They freeze portal the area around his mansion which doesn't for some reason freeze him. I'm not clear as to why. Maybe there was a one-off explanation, but the four of us that watched were all scratching our heads. Although at that point my brain was basically mush because I didn't understand how anything was really happening. They're going after this magical device that's like the holy trinity, the holy grail of devices in the fairy world. And once that power is unleashed, question mark, once again, question mark. Because what they use it for makes absolutely no sense. I don't get how it works or what it even really can do. But that's just this whole film in general. It's just there. Production wise, this thing is polished as all hell. It has that Disney stank all over it. It has a little bit of a Santa Claus vibe to it, but Santa Claus, those movies are charming and good and fun, whereas this is just a complete another mess. There is that sort of kind of weird Disney, I don't even know how lighting, the clothes, everything reeks of Santa Claus. It's all kind of plasticky looking, kind of cheap looking. Judy Dench is just on a roll lately with her. I mean, she's done enough good roles to kind of be done acting, but here she is just kind of cashing paychecks. Between this and cats, I don't know what your performance is worse. Colin Farrell's sleepwalking through this movie. He's a fantastic actor who's insanely underrated by Hollywood. He doesn't get his props. He's a great actor. It's just a shame that once again, he's underutilized in such a embarrassing way. Top to bottom, didn't like this movie. The freezing effects where stuff's kind of warping in and out and you know, I still eat that up. I like the whole, you know, bullet time, slow motion stuff, but you know what, that's not gonna keep me in theaters. It's certainly not gonna keep me on my couch even. This was a Disney plus exclusive. I believe it was held for a year or two while they finished doing reshoots and restructuring of the script. I don't know what was changed, what was shuffled around, but I bet good money that that Josh Gad stuff where he's at this prison out in the middle of the ocean was added in later. It felt very out of place. His voice is grating and having him constantly pop in, especially earlier on to explain things that they clearly could have showcased through visuals was really a hindrance to my experience. I read the Percy Jackson books and that movie is better than whatever this was supposed to be. And I hated that too. Hopefully it makes its way out the door like so many other movies that got too big for their britches and enticed further installments that would never be such as the Super Mario Brothers movie or more recently, The Mummy with Tom Cruise. Artemis Fowle can jump into that category. Thanks for watching the video. I try to put out new stuff on a weekly basis, so make sure to subscribe if you haven't already. 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