 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Bill Harris Alice Fay show. The enjoyment here is the Bill Harris Alice Fay show, transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First a word from RCA Victor. The greatest orchestra can sound like this, if a tube in your radio is weak or worn out. The most accomplished singer can sound like this, if a tube in your radio is weak or worn out. The most brilliant instrumentalist can sound like this, if a tube in your radio is weak or worn out. Distortion, fluctuating volume, hum. If your radio has any of these common symptoms, the trouble may be no more than a weak or worn out tube. So let your local service technician give your radio a complete checkup. If he finds your radio tubes are at fault, he'll be glad to install new RCA radio tubes. Most experts will tell you that RCA radio tubes are the finest you can buy. They're better made, yet they cost no more than ordinary tubes. Remember, the performance of your radio depends a lot on the quality of the tubes inside it. So always ask for RCA radio tubes in the familiar red, white and black cartons. Now the stars of the RCA victim program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. All great feats of history have been accomplished by men of courage and daring. And as our story opens today, we are privileged to witness one of these rare displays of bravery that is above and beyond the call of duty. Okay, Elliot, looks like we're ready. Let's check our equipment, okay? Pressurized suit, pressurized suit, spiked shoes, spiked shoes, hot-buttered cocoa, hot-buttered cocoa, hot-buttered cocoa, crash helmet, crash helmet, first aid kit, first aid kit. That's it, Curly. Okay, now take the safety rope that I've got tied around my waist and tied around yours. Roger. You know, Curly, I can't help feeling that we're overdoing this just to put up a television aerial. I don't like to take no chances. The other time when we were up on the roof, it was a good thing we were tied together when we slipped. Yeah, but what an ordeal. You were hanging over the front yard and I was dangling over the back yard. Yeah, how long did we hang there? All I know is that I missed two unemployment checks. What are you complaining about? I was hanging upside down. Well, come on, Curly. We've got to get on the roof. You go first. Go on up the ladder. Okay, I'm going. Take it easy. I'm going. Well, keep moving. Wait a minute. Stop shoving. There. Now I feel better. Now you're like that. He's only on the third rung and he has to have oxygen. Man, it's really high up on this roof. Yeah, that's quite a view. Yeah, I could see right down the street in the Roy Rogers backyard. Must be Wash Day. Hey, Elliot, hand me them binoculars. I want to see something. Here you are. Thanks. Wow. Wait till I tell Jean Autry about this. What do you mean? Roy Rogers wears Hopalong Cassidy shorts. Well, okay, Elliot, let's get busy. Now, we've got to get this TV area anchored down. Hey, I was just watching that pigeon, Curly. Look at him. He keeps walking toward you. Yeah. How about that? Hippogy. Hippogy. Hey, how do you like that, Elliot? Hey, wait a minute. He's got one of them little tubes tied to his legs. Elliot, this pigeon's carrying a message. Hold still, Bertie. Hold still now while I get it out. What's the message saying? It says, help. They're closing in on me. Help. Gee, who's it from? General Custer. I thought that pigeon was a little gray around the temple. Yeah, I was wondering why he was flying with a limp. Well, that's his problem. Elliot, hand me that wrench. Hey, Curly, why are you putting up this new television area? Don't you set work anymore? Oh, oh, I forgot to tell you, Elliot. I set away for a new television set. I thought I should have a more modern set. Oh, that's too bad. I was just getting used to that three-inch screen. Well, it was only three inches wide, but it was 24 inches tall. You just had to get used to it. It was like watching a movie through the slats of a chicken coop. Uh, it used to be a lot of fun on Saturday night. Yeah, watching the north end of Jackie Gleason. You know, for a long time, I thought it was the south end of Groucho Mark. Yeah, good. Look, look, I got to get all those bolts tightened. There. That's it now. That ought to hold this area up for a long time. Have you got the new set already to hook up, Curly? No, no, but I got a notice from the post office that it arrived. Let's go pick it up. All righty. Curly, I don't understand why they should send you a television set by Parcel Post. Elliott, Elliott, will you let them run their own business? Hey, this is the window we want right here, right here. Hello. Well, what can I do for you? You big, blue-eyed, handsome brute. Special delivery staff, air mail, envelopes. What can I do for you? Just slap me with your wet sponge. Say, I haven't seen you in here before. Well, you have to start someplace. Someday I hope to have a post office of my own. You know, Curly, she's got the foundation for it. Please, will you... Say, Miss, you're quite an improvement for the post office department. Have you been in Hollywood long? Oh, only a few days. But I like everything about Hollywood. It's so glamorous. I know the town pretty well. I could show you around some night. How about a date? Are you a movie star? No. Are you a producer? No. Are you a director? No. Next window, please. Now, look, Miss, I got a notice in the mail that there was something here for me. Is there something here for me? Are you a movie star? Look, Miss. All I know is I got a notice in the mail. I want to see our Mr. Jensen. He's in charge of that department. Mr. Jensen, will you take care of this gentleman? Uh, Mr. Jensen, my name is Harris, and I have post office box number 824. Oh, you have. I've been waiting to meet you, Mr. Harris. Meet me? Why? Well, normal people belong to things like the Book of the Month Club or the Fruit of the Month Club. Your box is full of candied yams and harmony grids. Also, two buckets of Aunt Hattie's hog fat. Now, just a minute, Yankee. Don't knock Aunt Hattie's hog fat. She melts her own hogs. And it ain't easy to hold a stubborn hog in a hot skillet. If something else came the other day, here it is right here. What do you call this slop? That is Dad's old-fashioned buzzard towel. I wouldn't put in a California winter without it. It's good for chest coals, chill blanes. It cures warts quicker than a dead cat, and it's delicious on mashed potatoes. Look, buddy, that ain't what I came in here for. Now, is there something else that arrived here for me? Yes, there is. We set a trap, but we haven't caught it yet. Look, mister, I happen to know that I have a shipment here. Oh, yes, I remember it now. It's an assemble it yourself television set with instructions for assembly. Assemble it yourself. That's what it says. Here you are. One, two, three, four, five, six Manila envelopes. These are the parts. And here's the Lord's packing case. Well, if the parts are in the envelopes, what's in the packing case? The instruction. Hey, Curly, you don't know how to put a television set together. Oh, don't, oh, don't. That's a cinch. Mechanical things come easy to me. All you need for a job like this is some mechanical ability, a screwdriver, and some brains. I'm not worried about the mechanical ability and the screwdriver, but the rest of it is going to be uphill all the way. But that's all. Listen, Elliott, let me ask you something. Who fixed the refrigerator when it was broken, huh? In fact, I rewired the entire kitchen, and it turned out real good. Yeah, but you got the only refrigerator I ever saw that eats tomatoes. It does not. It does too. And not only that, the stove spits out the seeds. And how about that electric toaster you fixed? It just has a little too much power, that's all. The toast flies out a little faster than the average toaster. But it doesn't bother us at all now that we're eating breakfast behind the net. Come on, pick up some of that stuff, Elliott, and let's get home and start putting this TV set together. Yeah. I wonder what Alice is doing. She better be singing. Life is just a bowl of cherries. Don't take it serious. Life's too mysterious. You work, you slave, you worry so. But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go. Keep repeating it to the very end. The strongest oak must fall. The sweet things in life, too, were just loaned. So how can you lose what you never own? Life is just a bowl of cherries. Don't live and laugh at it all. You work, you slave, you worry so. But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go. The berries, the strongest oak must fall. In life, too, were just loaned. So how can you lose what you never own? Life is just a bowl of cherries. Don't live and laugh at it all. Looks like a machine shop. Okay, Alice. Okay. The place is a little messy. But don't forget, after we're through, we'll have a brand-new television set. We got it half finished already. Now, let's see. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a second. Hey, look at this. I wonder why this dial don't catch. It just keeps spinning around. Hey, Elliot. Yeah, Curly, what do you want? Did you put that lock washer on the other side of this bowl like I told you? I couldn't find a lock washer, so I used two sticky lifesavers. Alice, will you read that next instruction there? Once you have connected the negative filaments to the positive terminals, test for isotronic refraction. Well? We hurry, Curly. We can get into the palladium before the price is changed. Look, Elliot, wait a minute. Now, look, we're ready to put this rivet in the corner of the frame. Now, give me a hand, will you? I can't, Curly. I'm holding this other corner. I can't let go. Well, Alice, then you're going to have to help. All right. Now, look, I'll hold the rivet, and you take the hammer there and give it a tap. Now, remember, this is a delicate mechanism, so just give it a real light tap. What happened, honey? Just what I've always wanted, one big thumb. Let me see, let me see. Hey, that's a pretty bad thumb, ain't it? But don't you worry about it. I know where you can get a bowling ball with a handle on it. Well, it's a good thing we're almost finished. Hey, look here. We've got some tubes left over. Yeah, that'll work out all right. We can always poke holes in them and use them for salt shakers. It's kind of lopsided. Are you sure that when you read the instructions, you got the whole... I didn't really know how I... What do you think of it? Look, kid, will you leave me along this television set? Well, it's lopsided. It is not lopsided. The house slants. No, no. He's right. The floor used to be straight till Curly installed the garbage disposal and nobody told me who's supposed to connect it to the sewer pipe. So? Julius, those used vitamins have no place to go. Every time he turns it on, it pushes the house up another three inches. Like who? Like my cousin, Giuseppe Abruzio. Now, there's a guy that knows all about electronics and that stuff. You should see where he lives. The one near the bathtub has a patch on it. Why don't you go back to the store and count the broken cookies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Make a joke out of everything. You have to get it yourself. Write them $10. Now, Julius, just one minute. I ain't got... I'm not to blame. Dude. Your uncle has an invention? Yeah. It's dehydrated champagne. Gee, that sounds terrific. How's it work? You put the capsule in the glass. Julius, lad. Come here. Just a little closer. The packing case has got a Yale lock on it. Hey, what'll we do with it? Stamp Shanghai on the top of it and call the American Express. Okay, some of that kids got me to the point. Curly, curly, curly. Just forget it. We got work to do. Come on, let's get this set together. Okay. That does it. Now she's all finished, huh? Oh, what a pretty-looking thing it is. Now we'll see whether I know enough to put a television set together myself or not. Now, Alice. Yes, Phil? You sit here in front of the screen. Elliot and I'll stand in the back and we'll make a few minor adjustments until the picture's perfect, huh? Okay. All right. Turn the set on. Okay. Hold it, hold it, hold it. What's happening, Alice? I don't know. There's something wrong with the picture, honey. It looks like a pool cue in a rainstorm. Let me see that. Alice, that's Mr. Peepers taking a shower. Now, wait a minute. I'll turn some more of these knobs and look, you keep telling me what happens. Uh-huh. Oh, oh, you did something just right, then, Phil. The picture is clear, but I think everything is backwards. Backwards? What do you mean? Well, Frank Parker is standing on his head and the teapot is making off of Godfrey. Wait a minute, Curly. I'll pull a lever that turns the aerial around. What that do? Ooh, that's a big improvement. Now, we got two pictures at once. What is it? Now, Sid Caesar's in the shower with Mr. Peepers. Ooh, and Imogen Koka's handing them the soap. Phil, this is the artist-looking television set I ever saw. Are you sure you've got it together right? Don't worry about a thing, honey. Now, don't worry. I know what's the matter. The set needs grounding. Now, I'll just take this wire and this wire over here. Wait a minute, Curly. I wouldn't touch them two wires. Oh, really, Marconi? Yeah. You see, if you got a hold of a positive electrode and you juxtapose a counter-intrafrequency, it could very easily manifest a cyclitic metamorphosis causing a regrettable catastrophic consequence. What does that mean? Don't do it unless Alice looks good and black. Now, wait a minute. Don't tell me nothing about electricity. I've been through the Los Angeles power plant. I've watched them assemble dynamoes and I've owned and operated an electric train for 15 years. And not once did the light in the caboose go out. Now, I'm going to ground this set. Like I said, I'm going to take this wire here and you reach over and take this other wire like... Hey! Pull out the cord! Pull out the cord! Bill, Bill, are you all right? Yes, I'm all right, but it melted my watch, Bob. Hello. Yeah, okay, all right. Who is that? Boulder Dam. They want to know what you're doing. Hey, look, I don't think you're ever going to get this television. Why don't you stop? Why don't you stop with that? Have I ever failed to do something that I started out to do? Yes. What? How about the time you fixed the vacuum cleaner? I don't know what you did to it, but the suction was 10 times too strong. It didn't hurt nothing. It didn't. It took us three hours to get the carpets out of the dust bag. And we never did find your mother. Look, honey, this time I know what I'm doing. Now, look at that beauty. I've got it 90% finished. Boy, that's a monster, ain't it? That's the biggest television set I've ever seen. Certainly. This is the super console model. Now, all I have to do is to put this steel panel on the back, and it'll be finished. Elliot, you hold that side of the panel, and I'll rivet it into place. Okay. Alice. Yes, honey? Come on in, honey. We're all ready for the premiere of the first television show of the new set. Oh, wonderful. There, now I'll just turn the dial to channel four. There, that's it. Well, the picture's awfully darned. Well, it just needs adjusting. I'll tune it in a little better. Now, then it's better. You see, it's a close-up of a man. You see his eyes, and his nose, his mouth? Hey, look, it's Captain Video. Captain Video, my foot, it's me. Oh, my goodness. Hey, don't worry, pal. I'll get a crowbar and get you out of there. No, no. Don't bother about it, Curly. What? I said, don't bother about getting me out. This suits me fine. Are you serious? I've never been more serious in my life. Hey, I'm a jean. Hand me the soap. Alison Phil will be back in just a moment. You can preserve your favorite memories for a day or forever with a new RCA push-button tape recorder. You can use it as a family album to capture on tape all the happy moments that will be doubly precious years from now. The fun of birthday parties. The voices of your youngsters as they are today. And you'll discover that RCA's new tape recorder is the best family album you can own. It's a wonderful investment, too. It has dozens of practical uses. You can use it to practice speeches, to make a complete record of important meetings. And the RCA tape recorder is so easy to use, anyone can do it. Just push a button to record. Push another button to play back the tape. Ask your dealer to demonstrate the low-cost RCA push-button tape recorder tomorrow. Hi, this is Phil again. You see, folks, the mistake I made was not to have ordered an RCA Victor television set in the first place. Because believe me, when it arrives at your home, it's all ready to go. And I think it's the best set that money can buy. But I'll know better next time. I want to say hello to all of my friends in Phoenix, Arizona, the Thunderbirds, and all of those nice people that I had the pleasure of being with last week. I also went out to the Veterans Hospital and spent the afternoon. And thanks, fellas, for having me out there. And remember, any time you want a number from Alice and I on our program, just drop me a line at NBC Hollywood, and it's done. Good night, everybody. Good night. Included in this program transcribed were Frank Nelson and Julie Bennett. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC radio network presentation. There's music to satisfy every mood in four exciting new RCA Victor albums. In RCA Victor's I Believe album, Perry Como sings songs of all faiths. In May I Sing to You, Eddie Fisher sings songs that made the stars famous. The Aims Brothers' new album has eight timeless favorites. And in that Bad Eartha album, Eartha Kitt sings in her best come hither manner. Listen to these four wonderful new RCA Victor albums now. Now, here are Merrill Muller on the news on the NBC radio network.