 Hey, hey, thank you so much for joining me on another episode of talks with Tony got an email and this one is you know It's kind of lengthy. So, you know Brace yourself Say hey, Tony, I'm from Atlanta. I wanted to submit a question I will make it short and right to the point It says short and right to the point, but this looks a little long But I need some solution to my problem me and my children's dad has been officially Separated for almost a year now. I left last year in May Packed up all my things after being fed up and left to move back to Atlanta where we both used to live together We have three kids 12 year old 10 year old and a six year old We've been together since I was 15 years old. I'm 29. He's 30 the relationship has been rough He says we are too toxic for each other. I say he holds a grudge against me When he left me the first time he dated a co-worker at his job and they moved in together. I Choose I chose to move on and talking to another guy But he held that against me and told me I should have been woman enough to stay to myself while he did his thing Trying to figure things out Which I felt was very deceitful and naive of him. Anyway We got back together To try to work things out move back home to Florida For one year things still didn't feel right. We both weren't happy. I wanted my family together more than anything We were going to church and I didn't like the church and he wasn't listening to me But that was the same church his father attended for years So we split I packed up and left Florida. He wasn't treating me the way I felt a man should treat a woman at all no love or happiness I moved back to Atlanta. He stayed in Florida Anyway, fast forward three months after the split my kids go visit him and came back as normal One day my six-year-old son Blurted out of nowhere. My daddy has a girlfriend I didn't act out in front of him, but I did confront his dad and I asked him Was he in a new relationship? He couldn't give me a straightforward answer He came down for Christmas last year and kept telling me he needed to talk to me. It was very important I knew it was something about this new person in his life for him to confirm He was in a new relationship. We had our talk He tries to beat around the bush then he finally comes out and says he's getting married this year My heart physically dropped. I was heartbroken all over again. The pain didn't stop I was in a dark place then I found out my kids have been around this woman several occasions Without me knowing behind my back my kids have seen them kiss whole hands show public affection and he fell and He fell to tell them He was in a relationship and he failed to tell me he was in a relationship. My kids assumed that Was his friend which was untrue. Oh, he fell to tell them that he was in a relationship. I Confronted him about that as well. He told me they have nothing that that has nothing to do with me He has moved on Fine when I confronted him about it face-to-face about this woman Again because my kids kept telling me things that kept going on in front of them He told me that she is irrelevant to me, but you have our kids involved How would you feel if I did that to you with a man that you didn't know? Anything about in front of our kids then he put God in the mix saying God told him and confirmed that That was his wife Since then he has changed. He's been going to church and he's a new man now Better than he was with me. So he says although every time we talk he throws a scripture at me like I am not saved I found out through my oldest that she previously was married before and she has a son and she too is at This church, but he claimed he never knew her from the church Now here's the kicker. He told me since he changed his life over His new ways in the church that he didn't know this woman at all And she was a complete stranger that one day he was in his car and God says and God told him That she was his wife and to go inside the church Revival and introduce yourself to your wife To me I am shocked so he decided to do so Been dating her for only three months and about to make her his wife in April On his birthday a date. I will never forget Very mischievous. He's been hiding her this whole time Also, haven't been telling the whole truth to his family about how he came about this whole situation People in the family don't know the whole truth, which is my side and the truth He's trying to clear his conscience make himself look innocent instead of deceitful in front of everyone Before he says his I do's all this was a shame from the beginning of his new relationship fast forward That's what's going to happen and I caught him in his life before he did it I text him recently stating that you're going to get married next month And I don't know who this woman is my kids Met her on several occasions, but she's a complete stranger to me because every time I ask about her He will tell me that she's irrelevant The reason he says he does that because he wants me to heal He even requested for me to delete all of our pictures we had together for all those years and To me that was completely disrespectful So he is going to bring her up to Atlanta without me knowing I was going to pick up my kids and be blindsided not knowing she was going to be as be there as well He wants me to meet her with his family Mind you, I am extremely close with his family. They became my family as well even after the breakup I stopped him before he could have set me up because With everything built up There's no telling what my reaction would have been walking into a surprise without me knowing anything about her coming I asked him when was he when was he going to warn me? He never replied I just caught him in his little plan that failed Come to find out. I know who the woman is She knows of me very well She used to hug me in the church and used to have conversation with me and also Used to be behind me during prayer I feel so betrayed and he kept saying God chose this for him God said Not to restore your family and we are not evenly yoked because we're too toxic for each other All voices in his head because he's confident and God gave him clarity and not confusion Now they're still coming up here next week because my kids dad Chose to do all of this the wrong way with secrets and lies. I don't know how to meet this new woman I can't accept her. I don't know what to do if it's His fault since day one. Tony. I am at ends I am at my wit's ends with this situation My hands are tied and I am hurting angry. I am trying to heal I read your book. I watched the q&a daily. I watch lives and I listen and take notes I also am a part of patreon including your virtual counseling once a month My life is turned upside down I haven't put him on child support and I feel as if our kids shouldn't go to this wedding I don't want him forcing her on our kids. I am a single mom I do my best, but I just can't take any more hurt or get another slap in the face Lastly, I don't know how to meet her and how to act on both of them coming to visit Especially when the wedding is happening next month Whoo Thank you to everyone who listen to listen listen listen now This is from one of my patrons. So thank you so much for being a supporter Thank you so much for you know investing in yourself the way you do Thank you for reading make it work. You're getting the knowledge. That's that's Half of the bottom half of the battle you're getting the knowledge You know you got up and you left when he wasn't treating you right you move back You know you moved away You you walked away You you've been with him since you were 15 um You're 29 years old so You got with him. Um, he's 30 so he was 16 Y'all were kids now. See here's the lesson y'all have three kids your oldest is 12 The next is 10 the next is six so There's a lot of history here 15 years of history He is about to be 31, but see here's what you have to understand You have to wash your hands with it You've got to wash your hands with it and I know that it's easier said than done But this is what you have to understand and this is what you have to teach your kids Don't start dating as a teenager Don't start dating don't let your kids date at 15 16 years old because the same thing that's happening to you Can happen to them. You know why because a man really doesn't fully begin to know himself an average man until about the age of 25 a man who knows himself and knows what he wants and knows who he is And wants to be in a relationship and be 100 faithful before the age of 25 is very very Very rare is very rare. Look what I'm doing today with my life and my purpose and you know Trying to touch other lives with a level of maturity and consistency And I didn't figure it out until 25 years old So if you don't see me as an average man, which I know I'm not an average man because if I was average Then every man would be doing what I'm doing or a whole lot more at least thousands You know, but you when you probably doing what I'm doing you probably know as far as speaking on loving relationships But also living it out in the public eye. You probably know Five or less men like on a pup as a public figure Maybe in your community you see some But I know that what I'm doing is not average And I didn't figure it out until 25 So I say that to say a lot of men today really don't start to figure it out till 30 35 You got with this guy when he was 15 years old. He didn't know anything. I mean he was 16 years Oh, he didn't know anything. So who he was at 16. He's a totally different man at 31 You know, it's like at 16 Tastes is totally different like Women I thought Were the bomb Dot com and when I was 15 now They can't hold a candle to my wife You know or or and yours could be the other way he could have been really Into you and you could of AIDS like fine wine and you could be amazing right now But he's ran his course with you He used and abused you you say he didn't treat you right He didn't treat you like you felt a woman should treat a man Y'all were in a church and you didn't want to be in that church. He didn't listen to you So he did not value you. He did not respect you and the reason why is because it's too much history See, what do they say familiarity breeds contempt? So the more he got to know you the more the closer he got to you the more comfortable He felt so the more complacent he became so he started to take you for granted and he kept you barefoot and pregnant So you got three kids from this man So now he knows he has you up a creek without a paddle because he understands that It's not easy for a man to love a woman and her kids It's not easy for a man to love a woman and one child You have three children. So he knows that it's going to be a special man But he also knows that special men are not growing on trees So he knows it could be some, you know some time Or he knows that If you don't heal You could stay single And broken and he won't have to deal with his kids calling another man dad But he doesn't care about you enough To not make his kids deal with another woman calling her mom Or stepmom or loving her like a mom and them having to choose who's better my mom or my stepmom Who do I appreciate the most for you know being with my dad or loving my dad? So he's not thinking about that and you said in here you left him at one point and Or y'all broke up The relationship was toxic When he left you he left you the first time and he dated a co-worker at his job And they moved in together And then you chose to move on and talk to another guy And he held that against you and told you that you should have been woman enough to stay to yourself While he did his thing trying to figure things out now. He needs to be slapped With no baby powder He needs to be slapped front hand and back hand How are you going to leave a woman and then tell her she should have stayed still while you go out With the dirty D Figuring things out and then you come back to this woman But you expect her to sit there like a bump on a log waiting on you Man if you don't shut that mess up and the fact that you did that the fact that you did that you're sorry And the fact that you got three kids with this woman and you're not trying to make it work You're sorry. So yes, sister He probably has grown. He probably has changed, but he's still sorry And I and I don't appreciate that because when you lay down and you do what it takes to bring kids into the world It's not about you. It's not about you. It's about them kids and providing a happy healthy household So when you bring that many kids into the world, if your woman is willing to try to make this thing work You need to make it work not a thing about it now Sister is you said that you left, you know, you said it's not going to work. It's too toxic You leaving he's saying it's too toxic. So it's over. So what you have to realize now is that he's going to move on He's going to move on and it's going to hurt you. You say your heart dropped You put it in all you said my heart physically dropped and I could see it in email easy even though this email 50 million minutes long because you wrote that in all caps And I know it hurts because you got a soul tie. You got multiple soul ties You got three kids with him. You're tied to him for life every time you look at them You got to think about him and you got you're going to deal with your kids your entire life So when you're dealing with your kids, you're dealing with him Whether he's there or not And then you know that they got to go be up under this woman And then you know the woman the woman saw you the woman saw your weakness. He used you but guess what? He used you to look like a committed faithful man And to make him look like a good man to this woman this woman probably most likely got a good job I don't know if she a lawyer. I don't know if she owned her own company Or you know, she most likely got a good job And look like she could bring something to his life some form of stability or some form of increase And so it's something here because most men you got three kids with a woman You're going to try to make that thing work out for the sake of your kids You know it at the least and so It's something this woman bring into the table that he values over what you bring to the table And that's why he's moving so fast with her. He's been with her three months and he's talking about mariner He's playing her. He's playing her. He's using her. She does not know it She's desperate dumb and naive Because she watched him be with you in church and she and she prayed with you stood behind you in prayer Hugged you know, y'all got three kids and now she's getting with him. You got an email. You got a phone number center this episode Uh sister that you about to get the rebound man. You acting like a fool You acting like a slap fool this man ain't worth The donkey he rolled in on this man ain't worth the linen in his pocket This man finna lead this woman. He's been with for 15 years stringing her along He done left for one time moved in with his co-worker He got the happy D. He got the dirty D and now he putting this dirty D in you And y'all going to the church all up in church praying and living in all this sin If god go to striking people y'all gonna be on the top of the list Because you prayed with this woman and now you finna be with a man Is you crazy? Are you crazy? Have you fell and bump your head? It's too many men out here for you to be getting with a man who got a woman He drove for 15 years and got and gave her three kids And then you meet the man in church after you done prayed with his ex and now you finna be with a woman You slap crazy And man, you slap dumb and you are a low life You if you talking about god and you didn't change your life Then let god renew your heart to become a real man to make it work with the woman you Put three kids in How you put three kids in a woman and talk about she's not the one for you y'all too toxic You know why she too toxic because you cheat on her because you cheat on her and you dog are out What how you think somebody going to be healthy if you cheating on them and dogging them out? Of course, it's gonna be toxic But if you heal if you ask for forgiveness if you try to help heal her heart, then she wouldn't be toxic So sister who wrote this in listen I done talked to his new wife. I done talked to Him the date you put in here. I didn't say the day. I just didn't want to be too specific But we coming up on or that dating already passed by the time this posted. So if they went through with it, uh, they married and uh so You only have one choice and that's to move on that's to move on with your life to heal To forgive you say he throws scripture at you like you're not saved. Well, if you save then talk to god Talk to god really build a relationship a prayer life ask for strength Ask for wisdom ask for clarity ask for A healed heart ask for the strength to forgive him And to forget him And then when it comes to your kids You don't want her to be forced on your kids But it don't sound like your kids complaining about her. They're not saying mama. She pinching my ear Mama. She's slapping me when daddy ain't looking mama. She won't feed me mama. She won't let me eat Your kids not in harm. They're not in danger The the woman although she naive She in chirp. She trying to do right although, you know, she she desperate right now If she ain't dogging your kids out and your oldest is 12 Your next is 10 your youngest is six All of them can express themselves So if anything any funny business go to happen, you just keep an open line of communication You just let them know like look, is she nice? Do you like her if she ever cursed at you if she ever yell at you if she ever Won't give you any food or what have you let me know If your kids are not in danger And he has a right to those kids Then it's nothing you can do you have to You can try to keep them away if if just You know out of your bitterness and your anger But then you hurting them if he's a good father to them He's setting a bad example for them, but he has to answer For that bad example When they are of age, maybe even 13 15 definitely 18 he gonna have some questions that he has to answer So he's going to reap What he has sown You got to pray for mercy that it don't kill them So that your children can have their father on the face of this earth And you got to heal and you got to forgive and you got to move forward You got to heal your heart and you will attract real love and you will be able to start over and you will be able to build Whether it's now or whether it is 12 years from now 12 years from now, you will be 42 years old. You still will be a baby. You still will be young You'll have plenty of time 12 years from now your youngest will be on his way or her way to college So focus on your children and be the absolute best mama don't worry about dating And if you do date definitely keep your legs closed. So you don't work on the number four child And focus on your children love them and be the best you can be so that when they look at you And they look at step mama It she can't hold a candle to you that she like a candle in the sunshine When they compare the two of y'all because you so focused you so committed you so all in But if you bitter and you spiteful and you hateful You're going to be half of a woman for your children and that woman she trying to replace you She's going to be putting 150 percent her best foot forward And your kids will end up thinking the step mama better than you So heal and operate from love God bless you. I'm praying for you. You definitely Will need it, but I know you're strong enough God bless you. We'll talk soon. Hey, if you have a question for me, please send it in to inbox at tonygaskins.com inbox at tonygaskins.com That was from another one of my patrons. Make sure on youtube you check it out patreon dot com forward slash tony gaskins patreon. That's p a t r e o n Provide exclusive content monthly calls Um, and I really appreciate your support because it's helping me create this content. This content is not free I got a very great audio engineering video in editor Renaissance utility man who Charges a pretty penny and he has worked everything and I want to be able to even elevate it with him So I appreciate your support on patreon because you Are making this happen. So thank you so much. God bless you. We'll talk soon