 Is he the right man for you? Statistically speaking, no. There I said it, statistically speaking, no. This is because much of the frustration in the dating, mating, and relating marketplace is because we have wounded, unhealed people seeking companionship, connection, and sex without that capacity to commit to another human being. They're another person. I don't wanna say human being. So why is this? I think most humans don't really understand the difference between attraction and compatibility. That's right, attraction and compatibility. We've been indoctrinated to believe that if we have physical attraction for someone, if we have chemistry for someone, that is a recipe for relationship success. And yet, isn't it quite fascinating that we have roughly over a 50-plus percent divorce rate here in the United States, and it's something like 65 to 70% of a divorce rate for people who have been married a second or third time? These are people they've been attracted to. So what are they missing in this equation? Well, we're gonna dive into this, and we're gonna dive into a deeper understanding of why this happens. I think it's critically important to understand something I've shared for years called my relationship iceberg. And please forget the glare. I'm gonna post this on the screen here. Now you can see above the water line is attraction. The reason why it's above the water line, it's because it's the first thing we see is physical attraction, and chemistry is something we recognize fairly quickly. The thing is compatibility makes up a bigger percentage of this iceberg, and that is shared values, blendable lifestyles, and emotional maturity. And since the odds are against you, there I said it, the odds are against you, learning this will make a huge difference in your relationship endeavors. Now, given that for those of us in midlife, and I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement, okay? Roughly 90%, well, well over 75% of people that are in the dating marketplace are divorced, and I would probably say it's closer to 90%, but roughly there's some people that are widowers and some people who have been never married. But for the most part, you're gonna have a 70, 80, 90% chance of meeting a divorced person. The other thing is here in the dating marketplace, because of our devices, because of our devices, we are meeting more people that are geographically undesirable than ever before. And I wanna keen in on these two areas today, talking about what's the importance for understanding why statistically speaking, you have a very slim chance of actually connecting with someone. And thankfully the clients that work with me, we put the odds in their favor. In fact, I get calls all the time from clients, Jonathan, I met a great guy, Jonathan, I met a great guy, Jonathan, I met a great guy, and they know the difference. And that is because what I do is I help them put the odds in their favor. So the most common challenges today, when we think of divorced people, centers around their capacity to actually be in a position to date another human being, or not, let me reframe that, to commit to another human being. I think it's really important that you understand this. If someone is recently divorced, or they had a contentious relationship with their ex-spouse, or they even were betrayed by their ex-spouse, they go into the dating marketplace, one, with trust issues, with trust issues. And more importantly, there was obviously a reason why the relationship didn't work out. Now, most everybody does this in the dating marketplace. They do this. It was his fault. It was her fault. It was her fault. It was his fault. Like in other words, they point the finger and say, I wasn't the cause of it. So the other person's listening to this and go, oh my God, I'm nothing like his ex-wife. I can be his savior. That's what people do. You believe that when someone says it's the, when they throw the other person under the bus, I mean, when they really throw the other person under the bus, when they say things like they were unfaithful, when they say things like they were an alcoholic, when they say that, especially when men talk about their ex-spouse, you're thinking, well, that's not me. So I can be his hero, or heroine, I should say. But the reality is there's a deeper story behind why that didn't work out. And most likely he had terrible relationship skills. He had poor emotional maturity, poor relationship skills. That's probably a big part of why it didn't work out. So that's a 90% of the pool we're dealing with. Now let's talk about logistics. As I've learned in my own experience, how logistic played the part, to quite frankly, the ending of my long distance relationship. I move as in a long distance relationship, but why this long, this relationship didn't work out because lifestyle compatibility plays a factor in relationship success. And I want to lean into this for a second because there's a good chance you might be dating someone. And by the way, 10 miles here in Los Angeles, I live in Los Angeles, it can be an hour drive. Now that's something manageable. When it's two hours, three hours, it's a plane ride away. Someone's going to have to adjust their lifestyle. One person, by the way, if the two of you are going to succeed in a relationship, you're gonna have to adjust your lifestyles. Or one person is gonna have to adjust their lifestyle. And what they might find is once they've made the change that it's not really the right fit for them. They might be displaced from their family. They might be displaced from their friends. There might be some deeper challenges going on. So you have to recognize that that's one of the primary reasons why relationships don't work out in the long run, at least here in our current dating environment. So what's the antidote to all of this? Well, I want to lean into this conversation today because after going through the loss of my son, and most of you know who follow me, I lost my 19-year-old son five years ago. I began doing a deep dive into what it means to love. In fact, I wrote a book about it. What the heck is self-love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help, and spiritual work? By the way, there's a link below to get copies of my book. Also, there's links below if you want to schedule a discovery call with me, if you want to connect with me on Instagram, all in the description, you can find different ways to connect with me. What I learned in that experience is I had a choice. I could grieve with suffering or if I could grieve with love. Now, why is this relate to is the right man for you? I believe the biggest challenge today amongst the most important one being true compatibility is I believe most men and women's mindset in the dating marketplace is so polluted. It is so filled with garbage. It's so filled with judgments that it's no wonder that the odds are against you. I hear this from women and I hear this from men, particularly the judgment based on physical looks because when you're dealing with apps, like let's just look at Bumble right here. I'm not on the app, but if I clicked on Bumble right there, you'd see Bumble. I'm not a member. When you're just looking at pictures, humans can be fucking ridiculously judgmental. I've noticed so many women habitually complain about the quality of men on the dating apps. They complain about the looks. They complain about the fish. They complain about this. They complain about that. Do you know what? Complainers don't succeed. They don't. You can call it realism all you want. It is fucking complaining. It's judgment. It's not love. It's not compassion. There's so much judgment in both what the perception of what another human being is. And by the way, women, I gotta tell you something. You all think you're a seven, eight, nine or 10 and most men would look at you and say you were two, three, four or five. That's just the way, this is what's known as the sexual marketplace. Everybody thinks they're much more attractive. So they deserve someone more attractive. So it's no wonder, you're not meeting the man you want. I have women tell me all the time, oh my God, I get asked out all the time by not the right guys. I go, what does that mean, right guy? Well, they're all unattractive men. I'm like, how many attractive men are asking you out? None. So why is that? Everybody, I want you to sit with that. If you're not getting asked out by the men you want to be asked out, then what does that tell you? I don't know if there's an answer to that question, but I will tell you that most human, and by the way, men do this too. Men think, you know, men who are, you know, on a scale, if we call the scale one to 10, if they were fives, they all want a date of 10. This is human beings. You out, I don't even want to say value yourself, but there's almost this narcissistic approach to the dating process. And this is why you're not meeting the right person because as I learned when I was at the Hoffman process, really quickly, I want to talk about this for one second. If you're not familiar with the work of the Hoffman process, this is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. And I was at their event for eight days, 19 men, or excuse me, 20 men, 19 women. Now, you're not allowed to share your names. Give me a second to tell you this quick story, but you're not allowed to share who you are and what you do for a living until the end. And when I shared with everyone, I got up on stage for had one minute speech. I said, my name is Jonathan Asley. I'm a dating relationship coach. Well, that evening, all of the women surrounded me in the jacuzzi. All the guys were flipping me off. I mean, this is a true story. One of them came to me and said, Jonathan, when I got here, I scanned the room. And there were two men I was attracted to. You, another guy who looked like the Marlboro man, very rugged, I mean, good looking guy. She said, after spending a week with all these men, she goes, I would date every man in this room. See, what we don't do today in the swipe world is we don't really get a chance to get to know someone at a heart-centered level. And when you're in an environment like that, when people are actually in a heart-centered space, even though wounded people, even though challenged people, I mean, we're going there to heal our childhood wounds and traumas, we're on a healing path. We stop looking at a person from the physical sense and we start looking at a heart-centered space. So how do you attract that right man for you? Well, do your best to eliminate judgment and what I'd like to invite you all to do next. Because I said this before, if you're dating transactionally, I didn't say this transactionally, but most everybody dates from a transactional perspective and your statistics of if it being the right guy is about this much. Ah, let's give you a 1%, okay? First, you have to be willing to look at all your past relationships. Look at them and ask yourself, what positive things about myself did I learn in each relationship? As I'm going through this change of transition with my relationship, I'm asking, what have I learned? I've learned so much about myself. I learned, I shared this before, I learned I can be fully all in, I learned I can show up as a partner. I really was, I was in a place that I've never been before and I'm so grateful for that. And what did I heal? Would be the second question that I invite you all to ask yourself. I healed that little part of me that still doesn't think I'm worthy because I showed up fully present. I'm really grateful for that. And what was good about the relationship, that's the third thing. So the first is what positive things that did you learn about yourself? What did you heal within yourself? What was good? And we, I mean, I got to travel to have one third of the world, now one quarter of the world during our time together. And what I'm most grateful for is I got a chance to spend time with a really extraordinary human being. And while we weren't long-term suited for one another, that's okay. And when I could sit finally in this space, and this is what I want to key in on today. So everyone write this down. First, forgiveness. I forgive fallible human beings, including myself. You know, was there some potential red flags and things like that in the beginning? Yeah, there were a little bit, but you know what, there were a lot of good too. There was a reason why I was meant to go down this journey, but first and foremost, forgive myself and forgive the other person. That clears and opens the heart. Number two, as acceptance, accepting the experience for what it was, not the fantasy that most every one of you hold onto is such a fantasy. See, in Buddhist philosophy, one of the fundamentals is something called right thinking. Right thinking. What that means is that's really realistic logical thinking instead of the fantasy way most people, and certainly the love attachment way most people view relationships. Number, the third piece, gratitude. Oh my God, gratitude is a powerful force, a powerful force for becoming a magnetic attractor for what you want. All of that judgment I talked about earlier literally wipes away all the gratitude. When you're in a state of gratitude, you cannot be in a state of despair, you can't be in a state of judgment. When you're in a state of gratitude. And lastly, this is the most important piece because I've witnessed women, and I work with women, but this is true for men as well. You've been in the wrong relationship, but Jonathan, we had so much chemistry, but Jonathan, he was so handsome, but Jonathan, he was so successful, but Jonathan, we had great sex. But he wasn't capable of commitment. I don't care what he was, he wasn't your guy, and yet most of you hold so tight as if that's the only person on the planet that can make you feel good. I'm here to invite you to embrace abundance, abundance. And as I say in my videos habitually, it's raining great men, it's raining great men, it's raining great men. See, when you have an abundance mindset, if it doesn't work out, if he's not the right man for you, that's okay. Statistically speaking, he's not the right guy for you. The odds are against you. Thankfully, my clients have great success because we put the odds way more in their favor. Instead of a 1% success ratio, we amplify that 100 times, 200 times, 300 times because right thinking, holding space of forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude and abundance is a powerful, powerful vehicle for attracting the right person in your life. And if you're not experiencing it right now, statistically speaking, you're on the right track. But if you wanna shift that, I'm here to say mindset is everything. And first, throw away those judgments, those expectations, those silly rules because what's really most important is not what a person looks like and supposed, especially for those of us that are in midlife, especially those that are in late baby boomers, early Gen Xers, you know what? Balding, dad bods, wrinkles, saggy boobs, erectile dysfunction, menopause, estrogen supplements, all these things. That's just the reality of life whether you want to accept it or not. And most of you are delusional, you think you're the exception of the rule, you think you're a seven when everyone else looks at you and they think you're a four. And I know that sounds like a judgment, I'm just saying it's the way we think we're better than someone. And I am guilty of this. So let me just say this, I have to work on my shit too. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please post a comment below. If this did resonate with you, please hit that thumbs up. Please hit that like button. Please share this video with friends. Do me a favor, pay it forward, send it to 10 friends. And if you're brand new to my channel, hit the subscribe button and hit the notification bell. All right, well that covers our content portion. Now we are going to do our Q&A if you have a question for me. Write the word question in the chat box. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat just like Cecilia did earlier. Thank you for the $20 Super Sticker Super Chat. We really appreciate it. You can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's the one I talked to you about that passed away. And his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insights Seminars and Seeds of Love, okay? So if you have a question, write the word question so it's easy for me to find. And Susan is in the house. Most men are far away. We end up getting to know each other before we meet. Then when we meet, it's awful. They are never what they advertise. Okay, Susan, just so you know, that's not a question, that's a statement, okay? If you have a question for me, folks, this is an example of a statement. Now, what's the question? Well, that's your reality. If you wanna change this narrative, then you have to change your reality. I can't do that for you. You have to do that for yourself. But Jonathan, we're all the great guys. We're all the emotionally mature, good-looking guys that have six-figure incomes. They're everywhere. Do you know, by the way, there's 120 million singles in the United States. I ventured to say only 40 million of them are on dating apps. That means 80 million aren't in your purview, okay? That's just, I mean, that's it. If you wanna know the facts, I think 40 million are on dating apps and 80 million are not. 80 million people exist. Just gotta figure out a way to connect with them. And it starts with mindset, like I said in this broadcast. All right. Hey, I see Linda is in the house. We'll take your question in a second. Oh, I think here's the question that Susan was asking. You liked the man, but he did not tell you the whole truth is where he really lives. What he really does, do you forgive the imposter? Most wounded human beings lie to themselves, okay? They lie to themselves first and foremost. Forgiveness is always a good thing, okay? Unless you had to talk, unless you had to call a doctor, an attorney or a policeman, it wasn't that bad. Folks, oh my God, you guys act like the fucking world dropped upon you. Do I want you to think about this? Most of you watch my channel, you are blessed. You have access to electronics. You have clean water. You have a roof over your head. There are four billion people that don't have that. So we have a lot to be thankful for. If you actually started a list of every little thing you were thankful for, you could spend an entire day writing a list. And I guarantee you, gratitude is a magnetic attractor for attracting what you want. Does anyone agree with me? Give me an amen. All right, Linda's in the house. I think she's clapping. Are you clapping? I was just raising my thumb up because I agree with you about the gratitude so much. So how can I help you tonight? I just wanted to tell you that ever since I started watching you a few months ago, I wanted to thank you for all the the content that you get because it has helped me so much. And I've been so much from you. I also lost my daughter about a year ago. And then she was 21 and then now I've been married for 34 years and I just ended that. So everything has really been falling apart. It's been crazy. And then I was seeing a guy for six months. And then after listening to you, I finally got up the nerve to ask him the question, where do you see this relationship going? And I don't wanna keep sleeping with you if you're gonna sleep with other people. And he said, let me think about that. And I never heard a word from him again. That was too- Can I keep him in for a second? That was two weeks ago. So I think I got my answer. So you know what fascinates me? Why is it the woman has to ask the man where the relationship going? Why is it his job to know where it's going? Because I found out he slept with someone else. No, no, no, that's not it. Why does he, why do women give that responsibility to a man? Why? Why is it- Because, well, I know for one thing, for him he just wants to keep sleeping around. That's not the point. Why? Okay, let me reframe that. Why do you, Linda, give someone else your path, your destination? Why did you do that? Because I did not better. And now after I've listened to you, I'm going to try to change the way that I handle it. So what I've observed is women in particular, the minute you have to ask the question, where is the relationship going? That means he has all the power. See, this is the problem with this paradigm. You should know where you're going in the relationship. Well, it's just like you said, guys are the gatekeepers of commitment. Yeah, you guys gave me- I want to have a look at what's going on. You said, what about, what else is going on? They're like, okay, see ya. Yeah. So I recommend a minimum of 30 days of connecting before physically intimate. That's usually somewhere between six to 10 dates, give or take, gives you time. You know, most guys won't stick around that long if they're in it for the short run. It doesn't mean that they're not, listen, a person, two people can connect together, like each other, have sex, and still change their mind. But you can eliminate all the look you lose pretty early on. The next thing is once you're physically intimate, you establish the rules of engagement. If your penis is gonna go regularly inside my vagina, I need an agreement from you of monogamy, and I need an agreement of exclusivity. And what exclusivity means is, you're not gonna be actively looking for someone else. Now that might think is, I want commitment. No, I want these two agreements. You can decide what commitment looks like to you, but I need these two agreements before I'll let you regularly have sex with me. Yeah, and then the second I did that, I just got blown off, so I'm not gonna- You could have done that six months sooner. Yeah, because I should have, but I learned from you. Well, I'm grateful for that. I'll be stronger and know how to handle things better the next time, so I wanted to say thanks for all your advice. Oh, you're very welcome. I never would have been able to do that before. Well, can I send you off for the big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug? Thank you, and also I love your book. I got your book and listen to it on Audible. Oh, thank you. I appreciate that. I got the eight dates book too, which I'm getting ready to read. Because I learned this stuff about self-love was that I felt, what's so wrong with me? Why doesn't he want me? I was like putting it all off when there's something wrong with me. Why doesn't he want me instead of realizing he's just pretty dysfunctional on what he wants. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with me. No. He does this to everybody, not just me. Hey, by the way, we are all fallible human beings. Oh yeah, we sure are. All right. All right, Rita, can I give you a big hug one more time? One to you too. Okay, thank you. All right, let's see who else we have in the house. We have Jane in the house with the following question. Is the right man someone who, someone has similar values, likes to laugh, but respects your pet peeves? So I love this question because this reminds me of the movie when Harry met Sally. Does anyone remember that movie? Or let's even talk about the TV show Friends, okay? Now, Sally was a peculiar woman, particularly when she ordered food and she was rather neurotic, okay? In fact, on Friends, does anyone remember Monica? Rather neurotic, okay? OCD, clean freak, that sort of thing. In fact, all of the characters on Friends had their own peculiarities. But you see, real love isn't loving their good qualities, just like what Harry said at the end of the movie. I love it that it takes you an hour and a half to order a ham sandwich. I love it that you think 71 degrees is cold. I love it that your nose crinkles up every time you get stressed out. I love it that you're the first person I think of when I wake up in the morning and the last person I think of when I go to bed. And when I realize I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, I came here to tell you. See, we don't fall in love with the good qualities. It's actually learning to appreciate those things that drove you nuts. Most of you know I was in relationship with someone. She did things that pissed me off. Well, that's not fair to say. She had ways of doing things that wasn't the way I do things. And vice versa, by the way. And yet I learned to appreciate and accept those differences because that's where real love lies. The juiciness of love lies in appreciating someone's peculiarities or as in the movie, Good Will Hunting, The Piccadillos. I love the way when Robin Williams talked about his wife's Piccadillos or how she accepted his Piccadillos. Anyways, great question, Jane. I hope I answered that for you. T.S. is in the house. Oh, by the way, T.S. before I asked a question, by the way, folks, you'll notice I'm wearing a jacket today. Some of you have been saying, oh, Jonathan, now that you've broken up, will you go back to your T-shirts? And I wanna say, I fucking like dressing up nicer. You know what? I appreciate that she encouraged me to be a little more polished, a little bit more professional. I appreciate that. So for those of you that have made comments or criticisms as if I'll go back to something you appreciate, let me just say something. I was the one who had thought about it ahead of time. She encouraged me. And so now I'm going, this is, I'm gonna wear college button-down shirts, that sort of thing, and a jacket. Although I'm gonna take it off in a moment because I'm getting a little hot. So let's take on T.S.'s question. I'm dating a guy for five months, but he hasn't kissed me for a month and haven't had sex for almost 14 days. What does that mean? You know, I'm sorry. The first thing that came to my mind is I wonder if he has an STD. I don't know if that's the case. It just popped in my head. Most likely something's going on with him possibly medically, could be one reason, or emotionally speaking. And he could possibly be distancing himself. I don't know, there's not enough information here to know, but I will say this. You know, the first 90 days of dating is that getting to know you period. And we're oftentimes on our best behavior. And oftentimes we're evaluating whether or not we really like this person, you know? And by the 90 day mark, give or take, and if you've seen each other at least, you know, at least a couple dozen times, well, that's a couple dozen. If we've seen each other a dozen or a couple dozen times in that three month period, you might be evaluating your emotions and you might need a couple more months to go, do I really like this person? Do I really want to move forward? I'm not really sure I like them, but I'm not sure. And somewhere around the five to six month mark for a lot of guys who are genuinely serious about a relationship, they exit out of a relationship with a woman they haven't fell in love with. And it's quite possible, TS, that might be happening or it could be what I said earlier. So that's possibly the reasons, okay? Hope that helped. Cecilia, who was generous with that $20 super sticker earlier has a question and she says, I've encountered, have you encountered any book or article that uses the term rabbit hole or metaphysics about one's love life? No, but I was just thinking about white rabbit, the Jefferson, I was just thinking about that song that was played in the matrix, rabbit hole. That one, I know I have not, well, there is a dream component possibly for spiritual people. No, I have to process that one, Cecilia. No, I haven't heard of that one. So thank you so much for asking. Okay, let's keep going here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Okay, Courtney's in the house with a question. By the way, if you wanna be on the hot seat, the link is right here. Why would a guy who says he does not want a relationship open up emotionally about his problems to say he appreciates me? In the end, he ghosted me, but I'm left wondering what did I do? You were his therapist. See, many men appreciate female energy for the capacity to talk about our emotional challenges in our life. We choose, we put women in the friend zone and then we use them as therapists. Now, this isn't an intentional using, it just happens to be a byproduct of what happens. And then at some point, he feels a level of shame and he has to ghost and disappear. So that's the why. You didn't, but I'm left wondering what I did. You were kind enough to be a therapist. Be grateful to be able to support someone on their journey and make better choices going forward. That's my invitation for you, okay? That's a quick nutshell. By the way, does anyone wanna get on the hot seat? John wants to ask, why don't men wear makeup? I don't know the answer to that. I had a scar here that I briefly put some cover up on. It was a scar after surgery. So I don't know the answer to that. Susan says, dress for success, it's good. Thank you so much, I appreciate. Cecilia says, I like wearing elegant clothes too. There you go. By the way, give me freedom, says Jonathan. Your jacket looks very handsome, but you should wear whatever makes you happy and comfortable. Amen. Okay, sunflowers in the house. Will you be taking a pause from dating after your breakup? If so, how much time do you think you'll need before getting back out there? Should there be a general rule for this topic? So I was candid with everybody in an earlier video where I had a knee-jerk reaction when we decided to transition our relationship. And I jumped on the dating app Bumble for a couple of days. And I recognized that it was kind of one of these. I was angry, I was feeling a little displaced, and I just wanted some attention. And I went on the app and I was swiping and swiping and swiping, and I just, and I with no intent of even swiping right, I was just curious what was out there. And there were some beautiful women, there were some, when I say beautiful women, there were some women I felt an attraction for and affinity for, but I still swiped left, and which means no. And I recognized that I was doing it out of spite, I was doing it out of anger, I wasn't really in a good place. And so I stopped it, okay? And as I'm sitting with it right now, and it's been approximately a little over a month, five or six weeks, and as we go through some of the logistic changes between the two of us, I feel as though for me, at a minimum taking a three month break from dating. But I also recognize I'm not gonna be dating anymore. I am not going to meet people for the sake of meeting people. I have really, I've put together my affirmations, my intentions, my mantra, all these things I teach in my private coaching, and I'm really holding space that the right person is gonna find me. In fact, my human design suggests that I most likely a woman would find me and invite me into her life, okay? If anyone is familiar with human design, I highly recommend Googling that and putting in your birth date to see what your human design is. It feels, I mean, I'm just be candid with you. What I've read about mine, I'm a projector, it feels true for me. But then I probably read all of them and it feels true for me, so like anything, you know? But you know what, I'm a Leo. I really feel like I am a Leo. I don't know if it's, what's the term, you know? When's, you know, like the biased, when you become biased with something, it just becomes part of your personality, if you will. But I think at a minimum, I would say a minimum of three months and, or really, it's not about the time. It's about what I shared in this lesson. I've been in an absolute state of forgiveness. Now forgiveness simply means forgiving love, okay? Forgiving love, okay? I accept that this is the best course of action for us. I fully do. Even though, listen, I care a lot about her. I think there's a lot of qualities that I'm gonna genuinely miss. She's a good person. This isn't one of those, you know, we did something wrong to each other. It's just not the right time. And given where each of us is at in our lives. That's okay. I accept that. Number three, I am in such gratitude over this experience. I am exuding gratitude. And when I'm ready to put myself out there, at least when I decide, okay, my heart chakra is open, I'm in a state of abundance. It is raining great women. It is raining great women. It is raining great women. So when your heart is open, you're forgiven, you've accepted, you're in gratitude and you operate from a place of abundance. When you can do that, sunshine, sunflower, that's when you're ready, okay? All right, looks like we have Lisa in the house. Hi, forgive me. I played tennis today. I'm a mess. Oh, you are forgiven. I just bumped into your- You're a hot mess. Yeah, that's what they say. I've been following you for probably the last two years. Learned so much. The relationship that I'm in now, and I'm just gonna lead up to the question. Relationship that I'm in now, we met when I was four and he was nine. We lived in the same neighborhood across the street, grew up, married other people, divorced, found each other again three years ago. I'm in Florida. He's in Pennsylvania. I'm out of New York. Probably the best I could ever imagine. He retired early from running a hedge fund. Wait, wait, wait, first off, first off, let me be clear. Are the two of you dating? Oh, yes. Have you physically seen each other in the last 30 days? No. Okay, when was the last time you were physically in front of each other? 1975. Okay. So this has all been, just so I'm clear, this has all been through the telephone, am I right? Yes, and I know that you're an advocate for being forewarned about situations such as this. Okay. And I appreciate that and I respect that position because you're right. But Jonathan, we're so different. Okay, go ahead. Okay, no, I get you. Anyway, he retired early. His mother died of breast cancer three years ago. Wait, Lisa, I'm gonna ask you do me a favor. Yeah. What's your question first? My question is due to our geography. He takes care of his 90-year-old father. I would think he should come down. Wait, wait, stop, I'm gonna stop you. Ask me a question. Ladies, I'm talking to all of you right now. This is a perfect example of the difference between men and women. With men, you are talking to a male right now, guy who has a penis. He wants to hear the question first. Tell me the question. I am going up there in two weeks. Is it wrong that I'm going up there instead of him coming down here? Okay, all right. There is a circumstance. There's no such thing as wrong or right. However, you've made it very easy for him to be lazy. Number one, okay? Okay. Because you're making it easy for him. It's like he's making no effort. Number two, there is going to be about a 99% chance that you two will have sex together. So he basically, you guys are gonna have sex together, okay? Then somewhere down the road, he's gonna say, I really don't wanna do a long distance relationship. But that's most, this is the most likely thing that's gonna happen. We talked about that. So is it wrong that you're going there? There's no such thing as right or wrong. Is it effective? You know what? Men should make more effort than women because women gives, listen, you're the gatekeepers of sex but he's gatekeeper of commitment. He should work harder to get laid. He's put the commitment out there. No, he hasn't. He's put the assertion out there, but he has not put commitment out there. Well, then you know what? He should give you a wedding ring on the day you see each other. I think, and I'll tell you what, I agree with you and you're right. And if he doesn't do it in those five days, I might have to cut it all off. But I think he's going to, he's already reached out to my bed. So here's your, here's your assignment. I said two weeks. Okay, when I do a live stream three weeks from now, you have to jump on and tell us what happens. Okay. And you're going to, I'm going to look better than this. So you're going to have to remember me. You look beautiful, sweetheart. All right. Well, good luck. Big gigantic Johnson bear hug. Love you, bye. All right, love you back by now. All right, Rachel's in the house. What does she want to say? Are you ready for some pain? Yes, I'm in the hot seat. So I anticipate that. Well, you know, a lot of women were, were like wanting to encourage you last time you were on to suggest that you were giving your power away. I know. Well, just to cut to the chase, first off, I want to have some, like to be grateful, just say I'm really grateful for you and your channel. I really am. I'm learning and growing in the whole nine yards. So thank you, thank you, thank you. My question is, because I know that you oftentimes talk about vetting and just knowing the right questions. And I want to cut to the chase. I want to try to weed through all of that before I even get to the first date because I'm on the dating circuit now. And I thought this was just so arrogant and so rude and just, just down and outright, like ignorant. On a first date, we, we did some, you know, several back and forth texting, hang on, I'm going on and on. But to get to the point, who filed first? I mean, what question is that when you're sitting who filed first on a dinner date? That's supposed to be light. And you want to enjoy the time that you have with somebody, right? No, it's a fucking interview. You guys are all so stupid. Okay, by the way, I'm kidding, Rachel. So hear me out. So I'm saying to everybody when I say this, look, dating is a vetting process. But Jonathan, all the other dating coaches say, just have a good time. It's about having a good time. Just have a good time. No, you want to interrogate someone before you ever physically meet them. These are questions you should have answered. Like when I work with a client, they've got a list of 20 questions before they ever physically meet someone. Then you can have fun. Before you, yeah, exactly. So we did all this like fun and cute, you know, texting back and forth. All right, so he asked you a question because he was curious. But it was worth it. It just, it got progressively worse. And then it, it got onto topics of like religion and politics and like it just, it was overwhelming. And he was actually the first person I had dated in over 17 years. So you have a problem with him trying to ascertain compatibility. Why is that a problem for you? I just thought that it was really rude. Like I don't, I didn't expect to go on a date on a first night and- Why is it rude? Why is that rude? Who filed first? You don't think to ask that question, who filed first? I would ask that question. Really? Fuck yeah. By the way, women file 80% of the time. So it's not that hard to assess, you know, in your case. But if he filed, by the way, that's a very interesting question. When a man asks a woman who filed first, if it was the man, there's a different story going on than when the woman files first. So there's a real, there's a real value in knowing that, particularly for us men, because we, because 80% of women file for divorce. So when it's the man doing it, what's his good reason for doing it? Because there's a good reason why somebody initial, excuse my burp, initially files for divorce. I like that question. I actually never asked that question before, because I know women do it most of the time, but I actually would, matter of fact, I'll be one of the questions I ask whomever I need in the future. I just don't think it should be on a first date. There's like a, there's a time and a place for everything and- Okay. When we should, we should. There's no such thing as should. People, by the way, your reaction to it is because you desire something light, okay? But you just, you did something light a few weeks ago with somebody and look how that turned out. Thanks for the reminder. Well, by the way, by the way, a lot of women were trying to wake, you know, try to encourage you to not, I mean, giving your power away to someone. I just, I hate the whole process. I have all these- Okay, by the way, right there, did you listen to this broadcast before? I hate the process. Do you know what that means? You are going to be bombarded with more frustration, more and more frustration until you can shift to a state of gratitude, when you can shift that mindset to abundance, when you can go, you can swipe at someone's picture instead of going, oh my God, look at that fish. You go, wow, I wish them well. Send them love. I wish them well. Send them love. I wish them well. I'm doing that. I'm doing that. I'm a very empathetic person and I'm not just saying that to make myself out- Well, you seem to be selective empathetic. I mean, you have to be- But you hate the process, then you're not empathetic because the empathy is for yourself. See, self-love, empathy isn't just about feeling someone else's feelings. Empathy is being in a state of forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude and abundance. That is the crux of empathy. When you can be empathetic for yourself, this is why I wrote a book about this. By the way, I only yell because I'm passionate, okay? Well, so am I. So I can relate. But anyhow, yeah, I just wanted to know if there's any books that you can recommend on just some questions to ask before you even initially meet that person face to face. Questions to ask. Here's a great book. Write this down. It's in the link. By the way, when you log off, go to my description. It's all Jonathan recommends book. This is Barbara DeAngelis. Are you the one for me knowing who's right and avoiding who's wrong? It's a thick-ass book. How many, look at how many yellow marks. Oh, this is my other copy. This is highlighted like you can't believe. By the way, sometimes I don't even listen to my own advice. So believe me, I'm not perfect here, okay? You there? I'm here. Okay, so the book is, Are You the One for Me by Barbara DeAngelis, okay? Best amazing book, amazing book. I like that. I just want to know what questions to ask before I even meet somebody on a first date, because- You got to come up with those questions for yourself. So hire me. I'm ridiculously expensive and we can do some work together. Or you can get this book, okay? Sounds like a plan. All right, Rachel. Send you off to the Big Gigantic Jog the Barrog. Good luck and thanks for being on the hot seat again. All right, Minnesota girl is in the house. Is it okay to date a man 10 years younger? It's not an issue for him. How do you get, how do you get quickly to the chase of real motives? Just making them wait three months. Susan, how old are you? By the way, I don't think 10 years is that big of a deal. If you said 20 years, maybe, but 10 years, I don't think that's a big deal. Do you make them, it's okay. I don't like the idea of making someone wait. I hate that. Well, listen, I just want you to know upfront, we're not gonna have sex for three months. Most guys will say, well, then you know what? I'll move on. Not because they can't wait, is we don't like being told what to do. What you can do is avoid sex for three months. That's different. But making them wait, guys really resent that. Ladies, you really need to listen to this. It's not, and by the way, or you can simply say, I wait to have sex with someone who I'm boyfriend and girlfriend with, or we built trust, not wait. I only have sex with someone who is my boyfriend and we have built trust. That's when I have sex. Don't ever say I'm gonna make you wait a period of time. That's just a total turn off, okay? Okay, Susan's in the house. Oh, we already did that. Oh, wait, Minnesota girl. Question, is it thinking I will meet someone doing the activities I love? The wrong approach, actively dating in pursuit of that seems forced. No, you should always do the things you love, but not with the intent of meeting someone. I had a client of mine who went to the Hoffman process after hearing what I experienced and she went there with the intent of meeting someone and then she was disappointed. If you, okay, a friend of mine once said, everyone, someone write this in the chat box. Expectations is the mother of disaster. I'm gonna repeat that. Expectations is the mother of disaster and desperation is her twin sister. Expectations is the mother of disaster. Desperation is her twin sister. Expecting and desperate is not a way to approach things, Minnesota girl. I hope that helps. All right. Who wants to be on the hot seat? June says, love this. Jonathan, maybe call it the red hot seat. So it reminds me of cinnamon and there's nothing wrong with what you said about the interactions with ladies at slightly, slightly softer. Wait, nothing wrong with what you, by the way, folks, I'm sometimes tough love. So I hope that doesn't bother any of you. All right. Hey, by the way, thanks for the compliments on my outfit. I really appreciate it. For Susan, how much do I charge for one-on-one coaching? By the way, if you wanna schedule a discovery call with me, just simply go to the link below to schedule a call and you can learn all about my coaching. Okay, it's different. It's a variety of different prices, ranging from millions of dollars all the way down to a couple hundred. Okay? All right. Elizabeth wants to write down, expectations is the mother of disaster and desperation is her twin sister, exactly. I would have nothing in common with a 21-year-old. You know, I think of someone like my son. There's a picture of Colin there. He comes by and sees me a couple of times a week. He's a 27-year-old man. I mean, he's wise beyond his years. I've met women who are in their 20s and they are wise beyond their years. I've met people in their 60s that couldn't put a coherent sentence together. Age is not, you know, I mean, yes, you might not have a lot of history in that sense related, but wisdom doesn't have an age in my opinion. All right. Let's see what else we have here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Come on, if you have a question. Hey, listen, let's make some money tonight. I'd like to donate $50 tonight to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund. All right, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. Hit that little dollar sign and donate some money to the Conor Asley Fund along with a question or if you just want to say thanks, I'd like to raise $50 for the last 10 minutes of this broadcast. I'd really be appreciative of that. Let's keep going here. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Tonsy says, I appreciate the videos. It's nice to hear the feedback in the voice from men. The stories we tell ourselves as humans and women can be a narrative that is counterproductive. Thank you, Jonathan. Yes, human beings, by the way, human beings are fascinating. The stories that we make up in our heads to either validate our bad choices or to shrink our own sovereignty. It's fascinating that we do this. So I just find humans fascinating. Myself included, I crack myself up every day for my delusional thinking at times. I am, by the way, I am not here to suggest I'm enlightened or I'm above anyone or I'm more awakened. I just have fun exploring this stuff. And because of that, I tend to be a good communicator. So Lynn is in the house. What do you have to say, Lynn? Hi, Jonathan. I'll have a bit of a question. And I really appreciate the lens that you bring in respects to the men's version of things. I think a lot of times, as a woman, we talk to each other and we don't always give each other the best advice. And yeah. Wait, let me hear that one more time. You women don't give each other the best advice. Yeah. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum! Yeah, you guys don't. And well, because a lot of times we're triggering each other from our own bad experiences, you know? So I guess- Women have a Cinderella complex and what I mean to say, a Prince Charming complex. For whatever reason, all the advice you give about men is the idea of the perfect guy. You guys do not contemplate how fucked up we men are. Or have hurt. We all have triggers. And I, by the way, did some amalgam with my partner actually seven months into the relationship because we were triggering each other. And I will tell you, it opened my eyes to vulnerability that men have that too. I would say- By the way, really quickly, I want to stop you, Lynn. Everybody, she just talked about the Amago, which is from the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt. I highly recommend checking out the book, Getting the Love You Want, A Guide for Couples. I believe this is what you worked on, correct? Yep. Okay. So everyone, there's a link below to get that book. Okay, so what's your question? I guess what is in dating? What are the kind of pet peeves when you start out dating? Like we've kind of, I don't know if I've missed some of those points, but starting out like I have a list now. I never used to. And I've been dating the same person now for two and a half years. But when we started dating, I felt really bad for him because I had my lists and we went through the almost like, I want to call it an interview process, but we were back and forth to make sure that we were on the same page. And it's hard and it's vulnerable too. And so I'm wondering from the lens of a guy, just maybe what are the things, the turn offs that you can speak to in regards to women and how- So let's dive into this for a second. The man you're with, you interviewed him. And you two are, huh? Well, we had a list. Like we, I couldn't list- Okay, you had a list. Time out, time out, time out. Let me just say it my way. You interviewed him. You had a list and he's still here. Yeah. Okay. So obviously that didn't turn him off. What did that list do? That allowed the two of you to connect with deeper conversations because of the most people today. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Yeah. Deeper questions lead to intimacy. So yes, you did the right thing by going deeper than the surface. Number one, what are most men's pet peeves? Okay. Let's differentiate between men who are transactional and men who are intentional. Men are intact transactional, meaning there's a transaction involved. I want something from you and you want something from me. That's about 99% of people, 90% of people dating. It's a transaction. They're not gonna be interested in your laundry list of questions because they just wanna get to the chase. How quickly can I get into your pants and then hang out with you for a period of time until I'm no longer interested? Those guys are gone quickly, but you don't care about those guys. You want to interrogate everybody because you are in charge of your relationship destiny, not him. So with that said, why do you need the answer to that question? You're in a relationship. Just because I think I have, I think I know, but I appreciate that you've been coaching women for a long time and you're seeing a lot of pattern behavior. And by no means do I think that I have all the answers and that I'm special in the sense that I don't trip up myself by getting in my own way on things too. We've been together for two and a half years. I'm grateful for the relationship. When are you guys getting married? I don't know yet. I kind of, I got married. Why a ring and ask him to marry you? Part of me? Why am a ring and ask him to marry you? That may happen. That may happen next, but I- By the way, I'm going to share with everybody why I said that. Okay, traditionally that's not the way it works. I get that. But what that does is it forces a real conversation. And you really know at that point whether or not this is going to go the distance. Because with each day and year and which each day, months and years, the two of you together, if it's not going to go the distance, you're going to be right back out there again. Yeah. So two years, two and a half years is plenty enough time to know if the two of you are partnership compatible. Yeah. I think this is partly on me too, because my first relationships, it was ring on finger in three months and both of those marriages happened within the first year. And I didn't even know how to qualify people. And now I'm in my, now I just hit my fifties. I'm like, I want to do things differently. And I want to qualify people, but then I want to enjoy the process of dating and getting to know them. And also- By the way, okay, I got to stop here for a second. Okay. You know what? To get to know a person doesn't take that long. Okay, you know, when you've gone through four seasons, you know, summer, fall, winter, spring, when you've gone through four seasons, you know whether or not, you know this person. Yeah. Now you really don't know a person until you live with them. That's when you really know them. I'm a big proponent that each person spends one month in each other's homes as part of the dating process. Yeah. And if you logistically can't do that, you got to figure a way around that because until you actually live with someone, you don't know who they are. Good, good feedback. I appreciate that. All right, Lynn. Thank you so much for being in the hot seat. We appreciate you. And I give you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug. Absolutely. And hugs back to you too as well. All right, thanks a bunch. Take care. All right, thank you. I want to give props to Sharon for the $5 super sticker. And she said, how long should I wait till I tell a man I have hearing aids? He wants to talk on the phone. That can be difficult. I think you should be upfront. I mean, if by the way, communication is the key to relationship success. So I think it's important to share that with this person. And then you find a way to work around it. I think, when I work around it, he might say that this won't work for me. And he has every right to have that choice because communication, so just because I suspect you probably, oh, I don't know if you said hearing aids. So maybe doing a FaceTime would be better because then they can visually, you can visually see him and read his lips and that sort of thing. I would do a FaceTime call sooner rather than later and I would be upfront about that because that's an important factor of making a decision. So listen, we can play the game and not say it and then tell someone later. But as we said earlier, it takes 90 days to fall in love with someone. They're not gonna fall in love with you on the first, second, or third date. So be upfront sooner rather than later. Hey, Christian. Christian, thank you for the $10 super sticker. We really appreciate it. We're almost there. Look, folks, we need $20 more to get to our goal of 50 bucks. 20 more, no, $30 more to get to our $50 goal. Lynn says, question, you said you and Marie unpacked all your history at the beginning of your relationship. Do you feel it wasn't enough to keep the relationship going or do you still feel it's important to do so? Well, first off, I think it was incredibly valuable that we unpacked a lot of stuff early on. But just keep in mind in the first 100 days that we saw each other, we spent 45 days together. That's literally almost every other day if people were dating locally. Because she was in relationship with a relationship coach, I am fascinated with human behavior and we spent, and because of my work and talking about my, talking about the YouTube videos, talking about client experiences and such, she began to recognize that her wounds that she thought she had healed. And this happened after going back to a funeral. She went to a funeral in Chicago was at April or May and she got hugely triggered there. And she came to realize, and by the way, we do spiritual journeys together. We did camps together with other groups. We did what's it's like camp is a group therapy meets pajama party meets cocktail party kind of environment. I'm just giving a cliff note version of it. And in those experiences, it uncovered deeper wounds for her that have gone unhealed. And so while the initial unpacking gave us a sense of trust for one another, which was really important. We had to establish, we had to really do a deep dive into each other's lives so we could build trust so we can make this decision to move in together. And you know what? I have no regrets on everything that happened. Some people think it was fast. I don't care what other people think. It was a beautifully curated experience for me. I have no regrets. So many blessings. I am so much, so many blessings from this experience. I can't begin to tell you the benefit, but at the end of the day, she came to the conclusion that she couldn't do this work while in relationship with me. She needs to be in the support of her family in particular. And she has some other goals in life that were contrary to some of my goals in life. And I think, could this have been predicted earlier? Yeah, but you know what? I would have missed out on a great ride. I really would have. I have no, she has brought so much joy. I'm a better man now for having this experience. I really am. I have grown so much through this experience. So to Lee to answer your question. Yes, I do believe it's very important to do that. Hey, Jill is in the house. Thank you so much. All right. Hey, I wanna give Michelle, thank you for the $5 Super Sticker. We really appreciate it. $25 more to go for tonight to get to our $50 goal. Oh, we got another $5. So now we've got only $20 to go. Thank you, oops, sorry from Sharon. Thank you so much. Cecilia says, love just doesn't happen. It takes wanting to have fun. Well, no, I think love happens when you want to love. And by the way, I don't mean to disagree with you, Cecilia. I think love happens when you want to be a giver. But more importantly, you have to be able to receive. You have to be able to receive. God, universe, spirit, I open my heart to be a giver and a receiver of love, to operate from a place of abundance, to always be in a state of gratitude, to accept every experience has been molding me to where I'm at and to forgive both myself and others for any judgments, any criticisms, any contempt, any righteousness, because I am a fallible human being and God, universe, spirit, I open my heart to be a giver and a receiver of love. Can I get an amen? Kim Ann says, Jonathan, you look better in the polish. Thank you so much. Elizabeth's in the house. Is it better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all? First off, there is no such thing as lost or lost. I didn't lose, you know, Marie, I didn't lose Marie. We have simply transitioned our relationships. She's still gonna be in my life, so there's nothing lost. And yes, love is the best game in town, even if it doesn't work out, even if it doesn't go to the distance. I, folks, I gotta tell you something. The reason why many of you are stuck is because you haven't forgiven, you haven't accepted, you haven't stepped into gratitude and your mindset is so, sadly, many of you bitter and jaded and wounded that it's no wonder you keep attracting the mirror. Many of you attract mirrors because you are mirroring what you want unconsciously. Do the work. It takes herculean effort to do the work, but I guarantee at the other end, no matter what happens, if I never meet my true love from Princess Bride, if I don't meet her, it's okay too, because it's also life, when you live an abundance life, abundance finds its way into your nooks and crannies. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. If it is, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell. And if you wanna connect with me, there's all these links below to schedule a discovery call with me to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagram, get my book, get my dating vows. Great ways to connect with me. All right, everyone. We were 20 bucks short from our goal tonight, but I thank you for the love. I thank you for the support. You guys are wonderful. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic, Jotha Merrick of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, teddy bear or pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank True Morris and John and Mary and Cecilia and Flowers and Elizabeth and Gigi and Jane and Carol and Kay Prince and Sharon and Ronnie and Kim Ann and Jess and Michelle, everybody. Thank you for the love. Be well. Have a great evening. Bye now.