 We invite you to enjoy life, life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Psi Howard, and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Mash, with Alan Reed as the star. Let's go left Italy to start his new life in America. He promises mother that he would write and tell her about his adventure. So now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes to Mama Basko in Italy. Most wonderful thing about America is that the different schools that they got here. There is a day school, night school, a public school, a private school, secretary school, a business school. And yesterday I'm going to read about a school that's special for people with tiny fingers. Is it called a shorthand school? Well, Mama Mia is getting late and I'm going to go to my night school. The class is chipping in the money to buy Miss Spaulding a present and I'm not the one to miss a day. Even though I don't know my lesson because I'm a takin' what to buy her. America, I love you. You like a papa to me. I'm a drunk woman. Please, please, fine. Now I'll call the roll. Mr. Basko, Mr. Hawes, Mr. Olsen, Mr. Schultz, Mr. Schultz, did the cat get your tongue? You must have been in my delicate person today. That's so forgetful. I don't mind the tongue too much, but the cat got too thirsty. He was drinking beer all day. Mr. Schultz, that's ridiculous. How could the cat get into the beer? That's what killed me. All day long I was standing around opening a pan for it. All right, Mr. Schultz, such talk. Sometimes I wonder what a psychoanalyst would make out of all this. $25 to our arm. Please. Now, class, our first problem in algebra is very simple, and you should easily be able to figure it out. Now, listen, if John can dig a ditch in one day and it takes Mary two days to dig that ditch, how long would it take John and Mary digging together? Mr. Basko. John and the Mary? That's right. What's for the second limb? Could it be? Mr. Basko, that doesn't matter. Now, listen, if John can dig a ditch in one day and it takes Mary two days to dig it, how long would it take John and Mary digging together? Two days? No. Four days? No. Five days? After which it gives them the weekend off. Basko, you're not thinking today. Now, don't you remember what I talked to you yesterday about X? Let X be the unknown quantity. Now, Mr. Basko, in that problem, how much is X? 70 cents a dozen. I give up. That's folding. You have called on everyone here, but you didn't call on me. My feelings are hurt. Yeah, he goes again. Ooh, what a show-off. Einstein with a cool haircut. Mr. Olsen, I'm very sorry. You may give the class the answer. Thank you. Using algae, bro, with X, the unknown quantity. The answer is 16 hours. That's perfect, Mr. Olsen. Mr. Schultz, what do you think of that? A bulldozer could have done the job in 30 minutes. Now, I've been telling the class how I got the answer. I figured it out first with common sense. John digs the hole in one day. Mary digs it in two days. So I figured together, they must dig the hole in less than one day. Olsen, the next time, Charles and Mary digs that hole, I hope it's for you. You're just trying to be so funny. Why don't you try to show some interest and learn something about algebra? Well, frankly, Mr. Pauling, you're such a beautiful teacher as you. Mr. Schultz? You are so lovely, sometimes very hard to concentrate. Mr. Schultz? Such beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes. I've never... Mr. Schultz? Yes? Well... Finish what you were saying. My question can wait. Where was I starting to talk about the Mr. Pauling's presence? The best is not good enough for her. Right, and I am shipping in my quarter right now. Quarter? Olsen, what are you trying to do? Start inflation? The only thing you could buy with a quarter today is two dimes and a niggas. Boys, let's leave it up to each person now. I'm shipping in 10 dollars. Well, we want to give her a present, not a life pension. I'm agree with the Horowitz. I'm gonna get 10 dollars or two. How about you, Schultz? I give twice whatever Olsen gives. There's your billion and a half, my 10 dollar bill. And I give twice that, two fives. Well, all right, Mr. Schultz. Now we got a 40 dollars. I got a good idea what bit to buy. You don't know, you're a bachelor. We buy one of those things like my wife has got it. What's that, Schultz? Who knows what they call it? She wears it when she goes to sleep. It's made from pink satin or something. It's got two straps on top, it's there. And on the back it says World's Fair in New York, 1930. That's a better idea. It's getting hot weather. Miss Paulding goes to the beach. So let's get her something modern, a Catalina swim suit. What's the Horowitz, that's no good. She's an olivar, a Catalina. Oh, you little dumb cop. You think if you go on a Pan American Clipper, you gotta take a haircut? Why don't we get her a smoking jacket? I told you, Luigi, what do you know? Well, how about the cosmetics? Like a red lawn nail polish? That's good, but it's only 60 cents a bottle. But she's got a tennis finger, that's a 60 dollars. For 60 dollars, we can send her out and get her diamond eyes. I'm gonna get a better idea. So, Luigi, will you stop? Sure, give Luigi a chance to talk. What's your idea, Luigi? Well, I was to think of something where we're gonna have to worry about a size or anything else. We get a pocket of book, and you know the thing with the powder, the compact, that's nice to present, and if it costs about a 40 dollars. Wonderful idea, Luigi, if you had such a good idea, why didn't you open your mouth before instead of waiting for it? Excuse me, I'm in a big hurry now. Wait a second, a little pump in the head. It wasn't a present. Well, how am I gonna buy a present for somebody? That's a nice, it's about the time that you bought us something for my rosa. First of all, this present is not for rosa. It's for a girl. Oh, it's a wedding. You've got enough money to buy a present for somebody. Well, it's for my school to teach you, Miss Spaulding, who we ought to put in a 40 dollars. I got a 20 dollars to buy her nice pocket of book, and sure, she's got a 20 dollars to buy her compact. Now, wait, wait, don't rush it so fast. You know, Luigi, they got a sale in the barber shop, but a fool and his money is soon apart in the middle. What would have happened if you lose this money? Oh, Pascuali, that would have been terrible. That's what I thought. Luigi, you better watch out. Why? They got a fellas walking around to give you a belt and a hair to take away your money. That's what they call a money belt. Money belt, for Pascuali, that's what in America they call them a robber. Who's to live in America longer, you or me? Robbers is a what they wear on a rainy day. If I had a money, you would do anything if they get it back, wouldn't you? You might even marry Rosia. I wouldn't allow you the money. Don't be so sure. Luigi, I'm a little worried. Look, I'm a very busy man, but I tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to hide you out of you all day and a bodyguard of your money. You were thirsty for me, Pascuali. Why? Because I'm a lover, you little coward. Would you push? Come on. And we go to the store for you teachers and presidents. All right. Oh, wait, wait. I'm just going to remember something. Now is the 12 o'clock. It's a bad time to go shopping. Department stores are full of pickpockets. What? The time to go is between 5.30 and 6. That's a bargain of time. Bargain of time? Sure. By that time, all of the pockets is a pick. Customers can afford to buy the can anymore. Prices to go down. When you walk in, you get twice as much of your money. But Pascuali, what are we going to do until 5.30 and 6.00? Well, don't worry. There's lots of things. Luigi, have you ever been a link in a field? No, what's it like? It's like a Santa Anita. You get up at the stands, you get a nice sun at the tan. Enjoy yourself. It sounds a good of Pascuali. Oh, you're going to love it. Let's go. You're watching the horses that run around. Horses? Yes, it's like a zoo. Oh, it's wonderful in there. By the time you get it true, look at the green grass and the blue sky and smell of the fresh air. It's like you went into the clean air. Second act of Luigi Vasco's adventures in Chicago, we turn to page 2 of his letter to his mother in Italy. Remember me. In a minute to my good friend Pascuali and to me, we're going to link in a field. Right now, Pascuali is a rundown to the corner for a minute. I think he must have bad itch, because he's telling me he's a run out to buy a scratcher sheet. I think it was a very nice to Pascuali to offer to help me watch him espalding the present money. Hey, Luigi, come on. Oh, he's calling me now. I'm going to finish this a letter late. He's a funny kind of parker, Pascuali. No trees and no flowers and no mamas. No, with a baby carriage. Only lots of people are running around looking to worry. You know, I think they are looking for jobs because they are checking off the things in a newspaper. Let me explain to you. Besides, if this should be in a park, in a zoo, over here is also a racetrack. Sooner the horses are going to run around the track and people are going to bet on who's to come in at first, and everybody wins lots of money. Everybody's a win? That's right. Explain to me more about the disarray. Ah, it's getting me to your blood, eh? Well, at the beginning, there's all kinds of races, you see? There's a maiden that races, the steeple chases, and a daily double. He has so much to learn. Five minutes to post time. Well, Luigi, I'm going to make my first bet and start the winnings of the money. You want to come along with me? Not that I would have let you bet. No, no, no, thanks, Pascuali. What is a good place to sit in at the sun? I've got a wonderful spotter for you. Come on, right by the $2 index, come on. Is it five o'clock? How long is it to take it to get to the part of the store from here? Don't worry. You've got plenty of time to buy and have a present for your teacher. How you can sit around for six races without making the one best I'm a no-can understand. But Pascuali, I've been telling you, isn't that my money? I'm a no-can attached. Luigi, if it wasn't for me, I'm a no-can, so you'll never make a bet. But a fellow who's owned this, the racer tracker. Here's a no-liker, slackers. Luigi, Batman is the hollering of the you. Pascuali, Pascuali, what's to happen if I'm losing the Spalding's money? Luigi, in this race, it's impossible, Luigi. I can't lose it. Yeah, and look, Luigi, if you bet on this, the horse, the rose, the gal, that's a 200 to one shot. If you're $20, you get $4,000 a back after the race. $4,000, remember me. Rose is the gal, what a hunch. My rose says she's your gal. And she's aware as much as of the horse. Oh, all right, all right, well, I go, Pascuali. Yeah, well, it's a $20 window. Hurry up, all right. Max, number three, two times. Max, number five, Dr. Klein to place. Max, I'm all right to put in $20 dollar payment on my $4,000. Mr. What's a horse you want to bet on? The rose is a gal. What's the number? You mean a horse that's got a telephone? Mr. Let's get moving. You want to bet Rose's gal, that's number five. All right, here's my $20. You're going to know it's a mine. He's got a rubber band around and it's a written in my name, a Luigi Bosco. He's right on the Lincoln as a beard. All right, now look, you want to bet that $20 win place to show. You want the horse to come in first, second, or third? The horse that does it whatever I want to. No, no, just how do you want to bet? I'm expecting my horse to win. 20 to win. When they'll close, that's all I've got. First one is 20 dollars and the rose is a gal. Come on, if we go to the front, the wheels can watch the race. It's a Leon's boy, Dr. Klein, and easy twist. It's a Dr. Klein, and where's the rest of the gal? And now Rose's gal, she comes out of her study. Well, it just means I'm a loser to $20. Yes, it looks alike. Luigi, how could you be such a terrible man to bet your own teachers a price to buy it? But if I was in your advice, but if you was a real honest person, you wouldn't have listened to me. Go away, because anything I hate, it's a gambler. I'm going to do anything you ask me. Only promise me, you're never going to tell anybody how I'm a better teacher than money on the race. Sure, Luigi, I promise. Wait a minute, wait a minute. That is a Schultz. Schultz? Yeah, I think he was a follower to me. Oh, he's running away, eh? Schultz, come here. Oh, you catch me. Luigi, forgive me. I did a terrible thing. I bet me Spalding's $20 on the race. Forgive me, Luigi. Forgive me, Schultz. Schultz, you know something? I'm going to say the same thing. You're treating me on the lowest things in the world. What are we going to tell Olsen and Harowitz? What is there to tell? I'm a little at the money. You lost. You don't come. I won. Well, certainly, you have a dope life for Spalding. If you advise, I got some red-hot tips from a Schwarzfeller, where Harvey White, a fellow from the racing team, Harvey meets my friend, Luigi. Hello, Luigi. So, Mamma Mia, with the money, Schultz is a winner who had bought the Miss Spalding with some wonderful presents, a beautiful pocketbook, and a two gloves, one for each hand. At first, she says, no, she can't accept such expensive presents, but the whole class will make her take it. She can use it, and besides, in a few days, she's going to mark our final examination of papers and every little bit to help. We're having a final, Luigi, by the little immigrant. J. Carol Nash's start is Luigi Vasco with Alan Reed as Spaswalé, Hans Conrad Schultz, and Maryship is Miss Spalding. Music is under the direction of Ben Murray.