 presents Hollywood bring you the Lux Radio Theater starring Bob Hope and Marilyn Maxwell in The Lemon Drop Kid. Ladies and gentlemen your producer Mr. William Keely. Greetings from Hollywood ladies and gentlemen. Through my association with various writers I can verify the old adage to be a success right about people whom you really know and understand. An outstanding example is the author of tonight's comedy Damon Runyon. He spent a great deal of his time talking to strange people strangely named Moose, Harry the Horse, sorrowful Jones and he has immortalized them in stories such as Paramount Pictures, The Lemon Drop Kid. In their original roles tonight we have Bob Hope and Marilyn Maxwell. Coming through The Lemon Drop Kid is a business for our hero is what is vulgarly known as a tout. An alleged expert on picking winners. If a horse wins he gets a reward. If a horse doesn't well he gets lost. But The Lemon Drop Kid has an infallible system. He simply touts every horse in every race. I'll come with us to Florida where on this fine December afternoon the kid is about ready to lower the boom. I tell you yours the horse that we should bet on is mince pie. But honey mince pie couldn't possibly... But I'll have a hunch. Remember when you ate that mince pie and the next day you were sick and didn't go to work and the office was struck by lightning? But sweetie that horse won't run any faster just because I got mince pie. That's a mighty good three-year-old has a lot of experience. In fact he's the only three-year-old out there that's 12 years old. Been chasing Phillies longer than I already show. That's a mighty good horse. Gonna win a lot of races. That is if his leg ever gets well. You think something's wrong with his leg mister? Think sir. I'm the track vet. It's a procrastinary infection in the pedisorial area. That's an inflamed ligament. He got it from wearing elevator shoes in his back leg so he could be running downhill. Imagine allowing a horse to race with a sore foot. Well half these horses should be in wheelchairs. Would you believe it man? There's only one sound beast in the race. Well good day. No no wait doctor wait. Hmm? If there's only one horse that isn't sick. Please doc which one? Oh that information is confidence with you know between doctor and patient. But we wouldn't have a sound. And we'd share our winnings with you. Oh no please that would be unethical in our orthodox. Oh however if after the race you'd like to donate something to the clinic we're so overcrowded we have two horses in every bed. Oh sir. Which horse doctor which one feels well? Well if I were a betting man I'd consider S-I-X a very lucky number. S-I-X. Come on honey we'll sink it all on stick. Oh and thank you doctor you're a credit to your profession. I never take credit just cash. Oh hi you gloomy. Here have a lemon drop. Thanks. How you doing? Not so good kid. I guess people nowadays are getting brighter. Gloomy the only bright thing about a horse player is the seat of his pants. Oh you don't know right today huh? Gloomy how many horses are running in this race? Fifteen. Fifteen I've already given 14 different winners to 14 different and grateful suckers. How can I lose? Okay I'll tell you how for one thing the cops can grab you. Oh don't be ridiculous. Hey gloomy. Huh? Gloomy. What? Look. What? What's the matter kid, the lure? Do you see what I see? Huh? What? Oh yeah. Where the gorgeous maid is. Look at that gorgeous stuff in her hand. A cute little fistful of Truman turnips. This is where I cover that 15th horse. Yes. No no no. You don't know who she is. Next night kid, next night. I beg your pardon. Y'all are addressing me? Yeah yes. Ma'am did y'all just drop this $5 bill? Hmm. The urgent? It's easier to talk this way. All you have to do is gargle with a bowl of weevils. Oh I couldn't have dropped $5. You see my bills are all hundred. Oh neat mine too. I just cashed my relief check. Well you all must be as lucky today as y'all are beautiful. Y'all mean this little old bankroll? My gentlemen friend is betting all this on iron bar. I'm just buying the tickets for him. Iron bar? Well corn, marpone, and chip, not chitlins. I was going to drop a handsome figure in that animal myself until my uncle told me the race was fixed. Your uncle? That's old Judge Wilkinson. He's president of the turf club you know. He's been investigating of course. My my. But if the race is fixed for iron bar and lose, you all must know who's going to win. Yeah but I couldn't divulge information like that. I swore on a stack of black eyed peas and candied yams. It's messy but bindin. Cash money here. My gentlemen friend to take good care of you after the race. Well bless your heart honey child. Well you all bet number E-I-G-H-U-L-T. You mean dirt piles? None of the dirt piles really got a bloodline out of Hoover by vacuum clean. Well thank you sir. And after the race I meet you at the lettuce counter. We'll make a beautiful salad together. Did you all understand? Uh huh. We'll buy them. You didn't do it. You didn't tout her. Did you get a load of her bankroll gloomy? Two grand. Must be a lady butcher. You ever hear of moose moran betting any less? Well who's talking about moose moran? You mean that doll's with moose moran? Yeah I tried to stop you. You better be sure you gave her the winner. Winner? I don't know one horse from another. I'll grab her fast and make her change to take the doll. Go like that. The race is gonna start. So am I. That's where we found him moose. The lemon drop kid is with the cops. The race try cops. Put me in jail he says. Please moose moran's gonna kill me. You know something is right. Bring a bomb in. Okay kid. The boss is ready to chat with you. Moose? No no not here. My corpus will ruin your car. Sit down. Huh? Oh now kid you're shaking something Marvel. No I'm not scared. My goose pimple just came out to see what's going on. Here have a drink. Gee you're a real solid citizen moose taking your loss like this. Why should I get high blood pressure about 10 grand? Yeah that's what I say. It's not worth 10 grand. I thought you only lost two grand. I sent the doll down to bet two grand on iron bar. You taught her off iron bar Wednesday would have paid me 10 grand. Oh well come on in Sam. Kid I'd like for you to meet Sam the surgeon. Sam the lemon drop kid. Pardon to rub a glove. I have just come from the operating room. You want I should now give him a treatment moose? I think that's entirely up to the kid. Oh I feel fine moose. Nice to have met you sir. I think I'll just run along. Sit down. Oops. Moose honest all I got is 15 cents in a box of lemon drops. Here have one. Oh well look I haven't got 10 grand. I'm still making the payments on these lemon drops. Why if I had 10 grand I can make a sucker can be very painful. Shall we prepare him for surgery boss? Look Sam why don't you run down to the blood bank and donate a pint of ice cubes huh. Oh now wait moose look I'll get 10 grand. Just give me a little Christmas moose and I would you'll get 10 grand. Well in New York I got a lot of friends on Broadway. Name one. Well there's the then there's uh no he's not out yet and there's uh I feel like a Democrat in Maine. Okay so they're not friends I tell you I can still raise the money. By totting two dollar horse players. Oh I'll find a way honest I will. It's all the same to you whether Sam kills me now or doesn't open me until Christmas. And if I get the money you're 10 grand ahead. Sure I've always wanted to be a man about town but not in little chunks. Besides. Shut up. What do you think Sam? It is moot boss very very moot. Dead I write 10 grand off my books alive. A possible asset. What if he runs away? Him? We'll find him. Yeah yeah I hear you find people so good that after you find him nobody else can find him. Now listen I just I got some property out on Long Island see a casino. Oh I know the place they close it down for repairs the roulette wheel started paying off. I'm coming north to pedal it see you have the money for me Christmas Eve or Christmas morning you'll find your head in your stocking. My head my stocking. Oh but that's not. Oh. The paper says I'm having a real cold spell in New York lots of snow blizzards but you won't mind you'll be sweating huh kid. Blizzards I don't even have an overcoat. Don't worry kid maybe Santa will bring you one. Hand tail it. Out of cement. I come in. Brainy you gorgeous doll you. You're late kid. Yeah but I came right over as soon as I hit town. Six months late you left with my fur coat you were going to pawn it for me. I waited for you to come back. Well it's like this I was on my way back with your money and all the once I heard about a big deal in Florida well I figured you won't need a fur coat in Florida. You went to Florida I stayed right here. Look I'm out at the racetrack with some wealthy friends and I get to thinking about the woman I love meaning you Brainy Baxter. Keep going kid. Actually I don't even wait to change my clothes I grabbed the first plane home my luggage is on the way. If Miami is fat how come you left in such a hurry. Well I just told you besides as a horse in the second race named wedding ceremony wedding ceremony what a hunch couldn't mean anybody but you and me. You went to Florida I stayed right here singing my heart out every night in Oxford Charlie's nightclub. Gee that's great all that dough rolling in every week huh. Now look kid I remember how you operate. No holds barred. Let's not talk about any wedding ceremony unless you're on the level. Why is it nobody trusts me just because I once had a transfusion from a used car dealer. But I'll do anything to be worthy of your Brainy I'd even get a job. That Florida son is stronger than I thought. A wedding ceremony and a job. That's the greatest long shot parlay of the year. Yeah I just wish I hadn't left my wallet my new cashmere slacks. Well you can't trust those moths as soon as my clothes arrive I'll take ten bucks and go right down and get a license that'll show you. I've got ten dollars see ten dollars and I'm calling your bluff kid we can get that license right now. Oh doll I'll go right down to the license bureau all right wait here while I change. Oh my purse I'd better take it with me if you don't mind. Brainy listen I got a great idea no need of you going alone you stay here and fix up the place. Remember this apartment's our honeymoon cottage get a lot of champagne and confetti huh and just stand there just like that beautiful all the way downtown I want to remember you smiling. But we both have to appear for license my ten dollars well he did it again. Sweet little rackets you've got. Just a Santa Claus suit a pot and a bell thanks a lot dad you just gave me a great idea. Policeman John perhaps you'd like a little sample out of the pot sir and a private police officer huh stuff like Santa Claus whiskers and everything who'd you think I was Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer Ho Ho Ho Merry Christmas Merry Merry Christmas save a life kid you're under arrest oh you can't take me who am I in the store oh now wait a minute I'm innocent I'm just a small businessman I'm in the Santa Claus business you coming peaceful or do I phone for the reindeer no I'll take a cab and meet you at the station one more crack out of you and what does that mean let's go Sidney Milburn Sidney Milburn see imagine anybody with a name like Sidney hey that's me present your honor Sidney Milburn alias the lemon drop kid have a lemon drop sir out collecting money for charity without a license how do you please I plead poverty but your honor I was standing in the corner with my bell and kettle like hundreds of other every day average American Santa Claus is when this button that's all Milburn ten days or fifty dollars well if you don't mind taking it in small change I think there's enough in the pot to beat the rap this money is going to the children's home ten days yeah but I haven't gotten the other cash judge and I can't spare ten days to put such a hole in the week oh I rather think that can be arranged yeah but you don't understand sir moose Moran is what's that who oh nothing nothing your honor take him away oh but yeah can I make one phone call no I suppose oh get your fish hooks out of that pot with my call it's a long distance this way Sidney or that judge didn't look honest to me there's the phone go make your call let's wait until my lawyers get through with you here hold my beard but lawyers Duncan Munkin Schmunkin and Brainy you'll be wearing your brass buttons at half mass you'll be hello Brainy oh baby am I glad to hear your voice baby yeah lady lawyer gee honey what do you think I am now don't tell cozy no no no now look baby I started for the license bureau but on the way down I stopped in my old room at the Y to get your photograph I like to look at it when I'm not with you well a doorman wouldn't let me in to get us so one thing led to another and he poked me and I poked him and what do you think I am in the pokey so honey in the jug I want you to come down and pull the cork out Brainy baby you got to listen to me listen and remember if I don't get in touch with you she can't do this to me he's got a hidden every place in just a moment we'll bring you act two of the lemon drop kid of the lemon drop kid starting Bob Hope in the title role and Madeleine Maxwell as Brainy he owes ten thousand dollars to a very unfriendly gangster and any chance he had of raising the money has been shattered by his arrest for impersonating Santa Claus in jail the kid has a visitor Moose Moran special secretary Sam the surgeon well Sam the surgeon pull up a trustee and sit down you come to do your Christmas chopping early I have just come to remind Sandy Claus what Moose Moran wants for Christmas I remember I remember you can put your knife in moth balls I've got an idea I know I can come up with a 10 grand oh that is fine kid because some of the smart boys are starting to give Moose the laugh and Moose does not enjoy that hey you know that gambling casino Moose used to have out on Long Island with that joint the cops closed the weeks ago I know I know so all we have to do is open it up until Christmas Moose cannot open it up for high class gambling you cannot even open it up for a bingo parlor Sam my scheme is strictly legal but I think Moose will like it anyway you know an old doll named Nelly Thursday oh who does not know Nelly Thursday I ran into her yesterday she's selling papers selling papers that is awful that nice old tomato yeah she's broke she hasn't even got a place to sleep you know it gets pretty uncomfortable in those roller towels I know now here's my idea I borrow Moose's casino I pretend it's an old folks home see I put up a sign on a picture of Bernard McFadden then I stick Nelly in there and a bunch of old dolls with them in it I can tout the city and they give me a license to collect for charity good thing you kid I further figure I can get every mug on Broadway to help to do the collecting they all love Nelly and by Christmas Eve I'll have enough donations to pay off Moose what happens to the old dolls after you'll type well can I help it if suddenly the collection money just happens to get lost Moose will have his dough and I'll be in the clear see this sounds crazy but that is not my department I only start operating if you do not pay off where'd you intern at the finance company oh before you go there's a little matter of the $50 fine you advance it now Moose a nice round figure 10,000 and 50 no thanks kid we like having you in the deep freeze we can toy out in time for the holiday season Merry Christmas in just 15 days keep using those blue blades Christmas 15 days I'm a goner I can see my life passing before my eyes I only had some popcorn I could enjoy it I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here say something Santa Claus yeah please let me out of here please I should have said please a long time ago there's a young lady waiting for you out there she just now paid you a fine paid my oh yeah well it's about time gee brainy I knew you'd come couldn't fight it huh I know I'm the world's biggest dolphin or maybe you've learned a lesson oh I missed you too brainy yes I'll bet incidentally is this how they dress you in jail now oh I guess you're wondering about the Santa Claus outfit oh I know sport you always were a flashy dresser I'll take off that phony beard will you that's not phony I've been using Sam's razor free for about five minutes because we're heading downtown for a marriage license together brainy you're making me the happiest man in the world and there be no more singing for a few measly dollars a week anymore not when you're my wife we'll make Oxford Charlie give you a raise reasonable one of us has to and just think in only a few short weeks we'll be mr and mrs lemondrop kid a few short weeks what's the stall this time come on honey let's walk just wait till you hear what I got to tell you you see brainy it's all for her it's all for nely Thursday oh Sydney that that's wonderful and to think that this was all your idea a home for poor old ladies well somebody's got to help them I got to apologize Sydney you know at first I well at first I thought you were working on some sort of an angle well I didn't explain it very well but I'm not used to this sort of thing it's honest I'm sorry kid I can't let nely down I still got a heart you know only because you couldn't figure out a way to hawk it now the first thing I've got to do is round up all of nely's friends I'll tell him what I've got in mind okay if we meet at your apartment tonight well well sure I'll be working but I gee brainy I'll bet you're proud of me well I am yeah me too playing just to give us this pitch about nely Thursday great flesh is dubious me likewise is like nely Thursday old owls who can't get into homes because maybe they rolled a lusher had a little homemade beer in the old days maybe even your own mother they never hung no wrap one of you citizens of nely Thursday hasn't helped okay then so everybody go home and get a good night's sleep we're all getting up at noon tomorrow maybe now you believe this huh yeah we told you had a new home in the country nely and here it is we even put up a sign the nely Thursday home for easy on those tears now this is a cheap suit if it gets wet it turns into rompers don't take it too large this is just a two-bit boarding house in long island nely polo field for a backyard hot and cold running petunias and we brought you a few things from center park now just in case you was to get loads look nely they're on the lawn why boys general sherman statue this was in the next row I would have brought the lake but the ducks put up a fight well it it is an old folks home isn't it the best we're gonna get the cream of the serotonin and any broken down old dollars welcome and you did all this for me every chisel on broadways knocking himself out for and you're sure moose maran turn this place over to us oh sure he did now you let me do all the work with you well it's just that moose never struck me as being well generous can't tell about people nely I guess you're right greeny some of the bad ones are good inside and some of the good ones are bad inside kid look there's someone here already I'll say there is okay ladies you can open up the front door to play peanut with her maybe a game of softball we loaded up on old dollars see that nely meets the rest of sorority with your brain well you remember mrs bomb garden and singing sapphire's mother-in-law singing sapphire donated there break out the beer professor we got this is the house one not only that they'll be happy when they wake up tomorrow I'm proud of you oh it was darling now can we go back to broadway we're all going back just one thing now we meet tomorrow at 12 o'clock that's when you all get fitted out in a santa claus soup oh and bring your own pot let's go brainy happy hogan's riding us back in his truck haven't you forgotten something hmm aren't you gonna kiss me sydney oh wait till I swallow my lemon drop you know this way young dolls become old dolls fine I'll order a rocking chair make it a two-seater huh honking during smooching just one more for the road just the lower lip brisk wrangle it's all a sin come on give out with your pitch just work your own neighborhood this is a legitimate business we got a license to collect I get out there in the street and put your heart in it just like you would if it was a shady deal hey kid kid what about all the mother-santies yeah you can't go putting the slug on other sandals even if they're in season I keep your pots open and your trap shut we gotta get 10 grand tension men go out and load your pots I'll be leaving the show tonight you see the kids appointed me had sheepdog to watch over the nally thursday home tell me brainy what does that guy got that makes everybody jump through a hook and the crazier his schemes the higher they jump a lot of people who love nally thursday don't think it's so crazy smart girl like you gives up a job every penny any character on the street blows his top hustling donations man you're all wacky maybe wacky charlie but not panty andy why in four days we've raised two thousand dollars what those baggy pants and has raised two grand uh-huh and it's all due to the kid just think yeah yeah I am thinking hey uh look uh you better get out on the floor honey I just thought of something I gotta do thanks a lot charlie yeah it's got a big idea bigger than us wearing the monkey suits and ringing them little bells all I said was we're muscling in on the lemon's wrapped chip if that lame brain can raise two grand in four days we can raise 20 but charlie the kid gets a city license the nally thursday home it says okay I got a home up in nyac don't I you mean we're gonna snatch a hospital of old dolls that said exactly now shut up and listen the first thing we're gonna do is get bless your kind sir bless you another day another dollar less active please help folks anything at all anything to help the nally thursday home I've got five dollars here if a little lady will sing another christmas song five dollars oh that's the one chorus treatment now for ten dollars she'll sing mockingbird hill while I lay an egg in this cup I'm afraid santa gets carried away sir of course I'll sing just ring those bells will you santa claus windy corner I hope brainy's waiting to defrost me have to piss me I thought you were holding out some loot oh yeah watch that bulge in your pockets chesterfield I got my own santa claus now come on in the house hey what goes on huh the house look the sign's gone the lights route the front door is open the joints deserted hey the door collecting I hid it here in general sherman's head I hid it I thought nobody knew about it but me maybe it's still there maybe it's empty huh nobody knew about it but me huh gloomy you see those footprints in the snow ox foot charlie who else wears a custom made 14 quadruple a come on gloomy we're gonna find oxford charlie we'll bring you act three of the lemon drop kid the curtain rises on act three of the lemon drop kid well it's nice to see your lemon drop hi boys how about a drink just pour out our old ladies and make it snappy hey straight flush you used to work for moose maran I'm gonna crawl moose long distance he's still in florida and you ask moose why the lemon drop kid is trying to raise 10 grand yeah but but that's so silly I mean you know how moose hates being disturbed okay pocky get moose maran on a floor yeah talk to him straight flush and this is straight flush oxford charlie is trying to tell us the lemon drop kid is uh something less than on the level don't say he did yeah you suck as an old day and thing in my little book you look to the back gate but why bother to open it just crawl under now look brainy I can explain everything you've been explaining dirty tricks since the first time I met you well I have to raise 10 grand did you want to see me rubbed out on Christmas Eve moose maran is going to mark me paid in full I'll be gift wrapped for the dead letter office that's not for three days yet what do you expect me to do steal the money back from a hoodlum like oxford charlie why not then at least somebody around Broadway might shed a tear for you that's more than I'll ever do again I'm sure glad to see you you got away from oxford charlie what about the others they're still there in nyak as if you cared one way or another yeah I guess they all think I'm an awful heel huh that'll do for a starter now look Nellie a bunch of swell guys collected a lot of dough for you I'm not going to let a cheat a chiseler and a crumb gum up the works I'll listen to your autobiography some other time I'm talking about oxford charlie how'd you get out and what about brainy the others are still there like I said I waited for my chance and I sneak down yeah well if you can sneak out I can sneak in we sound like president Truman and senator tass well if you're going to do any sneaking it better be out of the country huh I hear moose maran is coming back from Florida tomorrow moose maran back this is the bravest page I've had so far to sell the casino I also hear he's got another matter to take care of yeah well I'm still going to get that money from oxford charlie it's launched to you in the other old hour don't try it kid charlie's got gods all over the place yeah well who's going to know me I mean if I go up there dressed up like an old doll you dressed up like a woman well just give me a wig and a pair of glasses and well I got by a Santa Claus didn't I besides I got a great angle now listen to me now just this once more I want you to round up all the boys take them to the courthouse get a hold of them I warned you before to stay in line or the boys are going to listen to me charlie now he's gone she disappeared don't worry we'll find it and I may as well tell you I'm going to get out of here guys we can't ever go into the car okay mrs. Beasley this here's mrs. hoivett beasley boys welcome to the home mrs. beasley all you need you'll accept me as a guest so I did clumsy me yeah that briefcase is full of money it's all for you forgive me yeah you know I've seen that snow shovel man with the club ladies shake hands with mrs. beasley all right so tonight we can all get together and match mustard plastered you're off take your knitting bag oh thank you oh isn't it lovely here we hate to dissolution your mrs. beasley but this is nothing but a great big horrid old jail a jail oh dear me but the warden he seemed like such a nice one that man he gets ox for charlie the racket here harris he's as big a hodlum as the lemon drop kid yes yeah I'm dear and may I look in your knitting bag everybody thinks I'm terribly inquisitive but I just oh look a gun oh I can explain that ladies after general custody with massacre and mr. beasley insisted that I carry this pistol at all times Indians you know those pesky redskins but what in the world are you knitting this oh it's just a mop it'll go well with my argyle scrub bucket it's hot isn't it oh it is warm in here but don't you think a larger size girdle would be much more sensible at your age oh I take a small always has dear mr. beasley was so proud of my hourglass figure you still have your hourglass figure dear thank you but most of the sand has gone to the box for Charlie the better my private office mrs. beasley you've got to stay upstairs oh I've interrupted you you're counting your money did someone leave all that to you or are you saving up for a pot roast now be a nice old darling scram out of here oh but I brought you a present it's here in my knitting bag see ah you shouldn't have hey hey hey mrs. beasley that's a gun yeah boy what a performance I hate to stop it lemon drop why you entertain the lady surgeon tells me that you bring glad tidings yeah it's right here in this briefcase moose I got it all counted out for you there you are 10 000 even paid in full let's never see each other again as often as possible shall we and believe me it's going to be fun not knowing you the gators I just don't believe it say moose it's almost Christmas just 15 minutes more wouldn't you like to settle for 5 000 just to show your Christmas spirit hand it over huh well what about 7500 I said hand it over no spirit huh well you can forget my present you don't even have to okay okay 10 000 even paid in full well come on in yeah come on in where's my 16 grand oh it's all here Charlie now moose here's holding 10 now let's see I paid you didn't I moose and here's 16 grand for Charlie yeah but you took my 10 grand I just got a hold of that donout score I know it works like the new taxes it's paid and everybody's happy let's shake hands and wish everybody a merry Christmas just a minute that's my 10 grand oh yeah you're the one this part is Charlie now you'll just have to work it out between yourselves I've certainly done more in my share are you chiseling little hey what's going on they should they come here again well trauma we can't have gambling in here they've got to go on a table hey this thing's a primer how'd you guess and according to my schedule here come the police it I'll make you a captain I am a captain I'll chrome your whistle we're under arrest moose we're running the gambling joint again get a moise come on in judge this is ox but Charlie and moose moran get out of here your honor the cops can't pin nothing on me no but I can I've been watching your charity racket Charlie this money was collected for the Nellie Thursday home and that's exactly where it's going take him away captain and I'm going to keep an eye on you mr milburn oh you won't have to judge I'm turned over a new leaf I'll never be caught again and thanks for everything if you ever want a winner judge call me well I guess that's that huh kids gee you were great Nellie and you were on the level that's all that matters hey Nellie Nellie have you seen brainy I'm here Sydney gee brainy and everything's swell again huh what are you up to now kid you've got that fixed race look in your eyes well don't you see that's love life come into my arms honey this is a payoff kid I've been chasing you for 10 years trying to get a yes or a no trying to get any answer at all first you don't know and then you're too busy to talk and then you won't say anything at all well this is it what do you say keep trying