 That's the theme from the Sears Radio Theater. Tonight's story is a comedy with Andy Griffith as your host. Here's a preview. This is Alan Sodden with Recipe Corner, and today's guest cook is Chef Henri Frommage, who will tell us about a special dish for the holiday. What do you call it, Chef? I call these dish, these brains, à la Chicago. The Sears Radio Theater will begin after this message from your local station. This is Andy Griffith. We have a special surprise coming along in a minute or two, and what I'm gonna do, I'm going over there and I'm gonna sit down beside the blonde lady in the green dress, and I'm just gonna listen, along with the rest of you, and have a generally good time, because the author and star of the program, just now about to begin, is someone that gives me a great deal of pleasure to introduce. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very happy to turn over the balance of this time period to Henry Morgan. Here's Morgan, that's interesting. Some real-life people applauded, human beings. Maybe a bit later on, some real-life people will laugh at something, and that'll be strange. It's been a long time since living people have laughed at anything. The laughter often comes from a tape. Now, this may be hard to believe, but the comedy shows on television, many of them, are written down on paper first. Writers are paid a lot of money to think of what funny thing Laverne's going to say next. Then when the camera's pointed at her, she reads the line off a piece of cardboard. This is followed by laughter. Now, on most TV programs, there's nobody there to do the laughing, even though the writer also wrote down laughter. So, they play a tape of people who once laughed some time years ago. We'll play a laugh tape and show you how it goes. Suppose the writer of the script wrote a line of dialogue, and after he wrote, small laugh. They play a small laugh. The next line the writer thought should have a bigger laugh. So, they play that way, and whistles. What bothers me is that these tapes were made so long ago that a lot of the people whose laughter is on them are dead. Dead people are laughing at welcome back collars. So, we won't use tapes. If we do a line and nobody laughs, you'll know that that silence comes from real life. Video listening. Five nights of exceptional entertainment every week brought to you in Elliott Lewis' production of the Sears Radio Theater. Tonight, here's Morgan, Henry Morgan, that is. The Sears Radio Theater is brought to you by Sears Robot and Company. Sears, where America shops for value. Little Buzz Kirk, nine years old, is brushing his teeth. His mommy's standing there watching him. When into the bathroom comes Grandma, a kindly, helpful woman. Grandma has an interesting suggestion to make, she says. Elfrida, with what is that boy brushing his teeth? With what? All right, what with? What with what? His teeth with, that's what. His teeth with, that's what? Stop that. Now, what kind of toothpaste is that kid using? Why, he's using flatter foam. The foaming toothpaste that flatters each and every tooth so that it will look its handsome best at all times. What? Don't you realize that he needs a paste with parasite in it? What's the matter with you? Have you lost your marbles? What are you, some kind of crazy lady? You should be examined this minute. You're a dangerous lunatic. Hold it. Hold it right there. Mother, what are you talking? About what? All this about parasite. It kills hateful germs, that's what. It gets all the rotten germs out of the kid's mouth and flushes them down the drain. This enables the little chap to achieve good checkups. Well, I'm here to tell you that he gets excellent checkups as such. What do you mean as such? All right, such as. Such as what? Stop, besides, this flatter foam junk has parasite in it. Well, why didn't you open your gap? In addition, Buzz Kirk here likes the taste, don't you kid? He likes the taste? Why is that? Got lots of sugar in it. To spend another hour with News Radio 22, your station for time, weather, news, traffic and wonderful features, 22 hours a day. Coming up in the next half hour, Kevin Kevin in the 22 helicopter, Roger Roger with Animal House, slanted. 22 different points of view slanted by 22 different people. This is Canute Acne. I've been wondering about the president's so-called energy program. As we all know, we are going to need more energy in 1985 or in 1990 or in 2000 or anyway pretty soon. And we all know that the more we spend for oil in foreign countries, the more money they have in dollars and the more dollars they have, the less those dollars will buy. For some reason, if we kept those dollars here, they would buy more. The minute they get out of the country, they buy less. As a matter of fact, they buy less here too, but that's for some other reason. Or maybe it's because if you have a dollar in Paris and they give you only two francs for it and then when you have to buy it back, well, you wouldn't want to do that. Why would you be in Paris to buy dollars? You'd have to have the francs first, naturally. It would be a lot better if you bought the franc with Swiss money or maybe Japanese money. Well, in order to get Japanese money, you have to sell them something and you can't sell them televisions. That's for damn sure. Maybe if we all send back our toyotas and our dachshunds, it would help. Tell them you got the wrong color or something. Anyway, that's my opinion. I'm Canute Acne. Expressed on slanted aren't necessarily those of this station, this network, or this country. As a matter of fact, we don't listen. Well, it's 11.02 at News Radio 22. Time for the traffic report with Kevin. Kevin, come in, Kevin. Thank you, Leonard Leonard. We're now flying over greater metropolitan downtown Elmersville and although things are pretty good right now, there is a tie up over on 11th Street. And now, now wait a minute, there's something wrong. Yes, something's wrong. Oh, I've got it, that's not 11th Street. That's, well, now there's the church. It's in the clouds now, and oh, I see. This is Elmersville, folks. It's Collest and East Collest, and that's what it is. Sure, you can tell by the bridge. Well, that's all from here, and I'll back to the studio. Thank you, Kevin. Kevin will be back in a minute. Wait a minute, am I still on? Listen, I... Hey, Kevin will be back with us. No, no, wait, I'm cutting you off, Kevin. Do you hear me? Yes, I hear you, but you seem to be getting famous. You're going the wrong way, you dummy. But as our regular listeners know, there's nothing we can do about the dummy, it's his chopper. This is Alan Sodden with Recipe Corner, and today's guest cook is Chef Henri Frommage, who will tell us about a special dish for the holiday. What do you call it, Chef? I call these dish fish brains à la Chicago. Dish brains à la Chicago. What do we do, Chef? You take one number two can of fish brains, or you can get frozen fish brains, two pounds, or you can use dried fish brains, a pound and a half. Now, you take the fish... Pardon me, Chef, but you haven't mentioned fresh fish brain. You wouldn't like it. Take the fish brains and soak in cold water, meanwhile. Chef, how long do you soak? One week. Oh, less, meanwhile. Pardon me, Chef, I hate to interrupt, but you haven't mentioned what kind of fish brains to use. Do you have any particular fish in mind? Oh, it makes no difference, all fish are stupid. So, I say, you take two potatoes, medium, or one potato, large, or half of one potato, very large. Or if you have a giant potato, you take one quarter. Now, of course, it is possible that you have a potato that is truly remarkable, and potato stupendous, gigantic. Chef, Chef, if you find one of those real terrors, what do you do? You take a photograph and send it to Guinness. I see. But how about your recipe? You keep interrupting. Take the potatoes and cut them into cubes, one at the right inch on each side. One eighth inch cubes, right? Some people get careless and cut the potatoes into 16th cubes, or three sixteenths. This is wrong. One eighth is two sixteenths. You do it the way I say. One eighth inch, right? You cut them up in one sixteenth or three sixteenths. You make a mess. You take the heart out of the dish. You make the whole thing fake. Hard to make it your way. What do you think are coming in front, talking this stupid microphone? You think I have nothing better to do? Don't bother me. Go out and eat faster. Recipe is wester than you. You don't know how to eat. Soon in tomorrow when our guest cook will be a little... From Sodom's recipe corner, it's 11.24 here at News Radio 22, and coming up, Roger Roger with Animal House. This is Roger Roger with Animal House. Today, as we do every once in a while, we play our little game of letting you listen to the sounds of various animals and birds to see if you can identify them. Here they are. His name is Shleppenwoe. He hangs around supermarket parking lots and begs for Twinkies. Next, asking for more money this year. Station wagon by mistake. Garter snake, recognizable by the snapping of his garter. A typical stove pigeon. That's all for today. This is Roger Roger. Mother, what are you giving your children for breakfast? Is it something with a lot of S-U-G-A-R in it? Are you giving the little darling sugar grains? Sweetie, sweetie, pumpkin, eaties? Candy coated rice happies? Fudgies flakies? Naughty, very, very naughty. Oh, mommy, you are a bad girl. Well, excuse me. Oh, I didn't see you standing there. Seriously, mom, do you realize that you are doing irreparable damage to your children's teeth? S-U-G-A-R makes big, jagged, gaping holes in them. Says who? Why, uh, more dentists say that. More dentists than what? Well, more dentists than others. Others what? Well, more dentists than don't say it. Yes. Anyway, mother, the thing for you to do is to switch to a breakfast cereal that is not sweet. Something that will be good for growing boys and girls, like roast toasties. Roast toasties? Roast toasties with a full, rich flavor of roast beef. Or try golly wafers. Golly wafers have that wonderful sharp taste of garlic. You know garlic, but it's for kids, garlic. You want my kids to have garlic on their breath? I'll have them chew a little parsley. And then we have delicious, exciting pizza pasties. Pizza pasties have all the subtle aroma of pizza combined with hamburger. Hamburger? Plastuna. That sounds awful. Not when you add milk or cream and some fresh fruit. And then for your youngest child, we have Becca's Puddy. Becca's Puddy? For little kids? What does it taste like? Never mud. Kids love it. Listen, Buster, to me the whole thing tastes like mud and smells even worse. And then we have french-fried tater tatters. Never mud. And we have bacon bite them. Oh, shut up. I've got my own special breakfast for my kids. What's that? I'm giving each of them a big bowl of sugar. If their little teeth get big holes in them and fall out, I'll send them to you. To me? You can string them together like a necklace and wear them in your nose, you turkey. Well, excuse me. We would like to demonstrate the difference between old-time radio and the way things are today, or should be. To do this, we've asked the ready-for-prime-time players to pretend that they are actors in a mystery program on radio, say, 30 years ago. First, may we present the ready-for-prime-time players? In order of their appearance, first, Elvia Ullman as Lady Fonstock. Next, Shep Menken as Anatole the Butler. I blast you. Henry Morgan as Inspector Woodlark. Hold. Or else I shall feel obligated to discharge my pistol. And Frank Nelson as Sergeant Dorn. A Sergeant Dorn mother. And now, the fracking, spine-tingling, overpowering, mind-boggling, unloveliness to set your teeth on edge, the creaking door. Swept English lures. In the cold dismal castle known as Drummond's Folly, the electric power has failed. A storm is rising as Lady Fonstock speaks to her butler, Anatole. More candles, Anatole. More candles. Why, you blit only three. That's all there's left, Milady. What you see is what you get. You spoke, Milady. They're at the window. A face. I don't see no face, Milady. But it was there. Oh, those eyes and those terrible, pointy teeth. That wild black hair. Throw some champagne into her face. I think she's coming round. Right here, safe in your own wealthy castle, Milady. I am Inspector Woodlock and this brave lad is Sergeant Dorn. How do, Mum? Dan, that was all been so horrible. Well, you see, Mum, farmer Atkins, who lives just beyond her, seeing that the power had failed, sent his boy, Jasper, to see if all was well with you. He arrived just in time to see your man here. Anatole, you call him? Yes, yes, Anatole. Why, Anatole, you're bleeding. I think you're round beeswax. As I was saying, young Jasper saw this man making his getaway with the fond-stocked jewels. Jasper promptly rode to town to notify us, and here we are. Anatole, Anatole? What that face at the window? One of Anatole's tricks, Mum. A painted balloon arranged to appear as soon as the wind broke the restraining cords. But, but the rock through the window. Ah, you see, Mum, the rock was thrown from inside. Probably when your back was turned. And I've never told this to a living soul. Anatole is my, is my son. He would have inherited all of this after my, after, I mean, oh, Anatole, how could you? Shut your face. Lady Farnstock, I'm afraid I have a bit of a shock for you. Anatole is not your son. Not my son. No, ma'am, he's not. You could look it up. Boy, blasts you. Yes, ma'am. Your son was exchanged in his cradle for a gypsy boy whom you know as Anatole. Your own true son is right here. Sergeant Doe. The rightful heir to the Farnstock duet. That's me, Mum. Now, what is there? I could chill some white wine, sir. Shut your face. What happened? Oh, I remember. Wait. My son had a peculiar mark on the back of his left heel. Anatole, take off your left shoe. Hold, hold, hold, hold on, sir. I shall be obliged to discharge my pistol. No, it's Anatole as a fraud. Obviously, your assistant, this greedy, I mean, this splendid young man is my own true son. What do you call yourself? His Sergeant Doe's mother. Yes. Well, I shall call my solicitor in the morning. You are now the heir to the Farnstock village. You're a very rich, very rich and powerful young man. And you may begin immediately. You ready, Mothlet? Good. First clean up this mess. Then you may serve tea, Anatole. That was Old Style Radio. We now present the same story you've just heard, but all new, all different, as up to date, as the 7 o'clock news we present. He but charming old raincoat, with a dirty but charming old dog, with a dirty old wife, a but charming maiden. Beverly Hills, California. We're in the sumptuous mansion of Cher Farnstock, so star. A storm is rising as Cher speaks with her butler, Orlando. Orlando. The lights just went out. What's the matter? The lights just went out. Well, you voted for Proposition 13, I guess. Don't just stand there, turn on the auxiliary. What's an auxiliary? I don't know. Maybe some kind of candle. We got any candles? What candles? Well, I'll go down to sell them. Look around. Ma'am. What are you calling me ma'am for? You were supposed to... Oh, wait a minute. Somebody just came in the room with a flashlight. Pardon me, ma'am. Well, that's more like it. Oh, yes, ma'am. Let me introduce myself. Lieutenant Polombo, Los Angeles PD. PD? Police department? No, private detective. You're a cop? Sort of an auxiliary... Well, what are you doing here? I used to have to be driving by, ma'am. And I saw your light school. By the way, I remembered about your butler, Orlando. What about Orlando? Orlando's got a record as long as your leg, ma'am. And pretty. I don't think he's a fraud. Orlando, a fraud? Why? Did you ever hear him sing? Just a minute, ma'am. I almost forgot. Just one more question. May I see your latest platinum record? Sure. It's right here. Why, it's gone. Yes, ma'am. And so is Orlando. And so is your collection of money. And so is the diamond you wear when you belly button. Crime on this, please. So it is. Well, don't worry, ma'am. I left Sergeant Dorne outside as a backup. By now, Dorne has picked him up and here they are now. Right. And here we are, Miss Orlando and Dorne. Genuine voodoo celebrity dolls of people who have to be eliminated. These are lifelike little figures made of cloth and stuffed with old rags. To use one of these genuine voodoo celebrity dolls, all you do is stick pins in it, weed out loud the curse that comes with it in a handy package, and wait, just wait, you'll see. Yes, friends. Well, they last. Genuine voodoo celebrity dolls complete with pins, handy curses, and complete directions for use are available at one low, low price. They are merely 6.95 each when bought in sets of 900. We are now offering four of your old-time favorites. Lawrence Welk, Tony Orlando, Laverne and Shirley, and at no extra cost, Howard Cosell. The genuine voodoo celebrity Howard Cosell doll is worth all the others put together. Just think, friends, right there in the privacy of your own home, you can stick pins in your Howard Cosell doll and read aloud the authentic curse. Then all you have to do is sit back and wait. But hurry, the supply is limited. Send your check for $28 plus $3 for gentle handling, plus state tax, plus $2 postage, too. Grimnitz, Box Arnold, Tallahassee, Maine. I'll repeat that. Send your check for $34 plus the pluses, to Fan Shriver, Box Bird, Wink, Peoria, New Mexico. But hurry, we have bills too, you know. Popular features, stars from the New Guinea Book of Records, in their chosen fields of endeavor, and those records have been immortalized in the New Guinea Book. We have spared every possible expense in bringing some of these wonderful people here this evening. First, please say hello to the man who holds the new record for playing a pinball machine. Eight days, 11 hours, and 23 minutes, Mr. Al Plunge. Welcome, Mr. Plunge. Good evening, Mr. Morgan. Did I say your name right? P-L-U-N-G-E Plunge. Plunge. That's where we say in my family, plunge. I'm sorry. Well, Mr. Plunge, I have to ask you something. I've always wanted to ask somebody who does things that take a number of days. You were on your feet for hour after hour. Didn't you ever have to, uh, have to, uh... Have to what? Well, you know, the call of nature. What call is that? Well, when you just can't, uh, you have to go to the... Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, how has that arranged? I mean, what do you do? Uh, I got somebody to, uh, go for me. You got somebody to go for you? Yeah. Uh, I got a friend. He's my buddy. Uh, do anything for me. Mr. Plunge, there are certain things that one has to do for one's self. Like what? Are you some kind of moron or what? I don't know. Uh, are there different kinds? Plunge, don't you ever go to the bathroom? Yeah. Look, you were on your feet for over eight days. Didn't you ever sit down? Yeah, no. Well, if you sit down, you see, you can't give it the old body English. You gotta use the hips. You gotta wiggle the machine to get the ball into the hose. All right, all right. Okay, just one more question. What made you do it? Do what? What made you stay on your feet for eight days, eleven hours, and twenty-three minutes? My wife. Your wife made you do it? I don't understand. You got a wife? Yes. Well, you know, they say, get out of here and do something. Well, for the purpose of this discussion, I'll say yes, although in point of actual fact, we, that is, my wife and I, we don't have interchanges of that nature. You married? Yes, I told you that. What was the rest of what you said? Look, I'm afraid our time is up. I want to thank you very much. You're one of the greatest examples of vapidity we've ever had on our show. Yeah, thank you, Mr. Morgan. Little Journeys to the Homes of Famous People. Today's Little Journey takes us to the home of Melvin Presby and Boondock, Alabama. Melvin Presby is no longer with us, of course. His guitar has become a harp, but millions of his fans come here to Boondock every year to honor the memory of the one who gave them joy. Now, there on the left, you can see the huge marble mansion Melvin built for himself. Two marble swimming pools, one hot and one cold. The hot one was for his Japanese fans. And as we walk along the marble driveway, we come to the charming Marble Souvenir Shop built by Melvin's manager. We're now going to open the marble door to the shop. And here we find the manager, General Bayou. Good afternoon to you, sir. Good afternoon. You all coming by a little remembrance? Well, here's a popular item. We sold thousands of days. Only $8 a piece. It doesn't look like much. It looks like a tiny piece of an old rag. Yes, sir. You got it. You sure have got a keen eye on you. Now, that there is a snippet. It's a genuine snippet of Melvin's very own wash rag. $8. You want it wrapped. Just a minute. Didn't you just tell me that you sold thousands of days? You couldn't get thousands out of just one wash rag? Melvin had hundreds of wash rags. The cleanest boy he ever saw took 5, 10 showers a day. 365 days a year. Now, here's one. You see that little monogram M.P. in the corner? Melvin Presby? He used that one on the birthday of Robert E. Lee. $75. Well, you see. Yes, step this way. Now, over here. I have a genuine stuffed hound dog. A perfect, authentic copy of the original hound dog. Now, wait a minute. This is ridiculous. There never was an original. This there is. And right here, we have his leaves. His little old food dishes. His very own blanket and his Betty by. Betty by? Now, look there. With this monogram on to it. Right here in the corner says HD. HD? Hound dog. How can you say that? I say what I'm going to do. Listing. Listing for him. I'm listening. I said listing. Oh, by the way. Things is a little slow here today. So you can have hound dog. Now, that's normally $75. With all the fiction sold in for just $118. Sir, I just don't want to. You can have hound dog by his cell for $60. You can have the dish for $17. Or you can have the dish, the blanket, the Betty by, and the least for $42. No, no, no, no, no. I see. Well, you just take the dish for $11, and I will throw in a wash rag on me. No, no. I see. No. I see. No. I see. I understand you now, buddy. You want to make me an author for my little shop here. Son, that has got to cost you. Why, the sacred memories alone have been assessed at over $2 million. Now, hold it. Hold it. I didn't come in here to buy anything. You didn't what to not what? I just came here for an interview. Oh. You see, I represent little journeys. You see this pocket tape recorder here? Uh-huh. I was taping your remarks for that great radio audience. Well, I didn't know that. Well, no, that's a boy with a different color. Now, we have five kind of interviews playing with no pencil or not. That is $500. You use a pencil, $600. If you ask personal questions. Last week's show will have an interesting group. We'll have Johnny Carson, Merv Griffin, Dinah Shore, Mike Douglas, Dick Cavett, and Sophia Lorenz. If not, we'll find somebody. Don't worry. This assumes that we'll be back, which we will, probably not next week, but one week. Here's Robuck and Company, where our policy is, satisfaction guaranteed for your money back. Sears, where America shops for value, was written by and starred Henry Morgan, produced and directed by Fletcher Markle. Your host was Andy Griffin. Members of the company were Elvia Allman, Bill Baldwin, Dawes Butler, Mary Jane Croft, Elliot Lewis, Shepard Menken, and Frank Nelson. Before Sears Radio Theater was composed and conducted by Nelson Riddle. This is Art Gilmore speaking. The Elliot Lewis production of Sears Radio Theater is a presentation of CVI.