 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribed the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show, written by Ray Singer and Dick Chevrolet, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and with Phil, Walter Sharp and his music, yours truly, Bill Foreman, and starring Alice Faye and Phil Harris. Folks, this is Phil, and here's a word from RCA Victor. It's better-looking in every way. RCA Victor's superb new television console, the Fairfield. Better-looking pictures, the brightest, clearest pictures ever. Pictures locked in place with RCA Victor's exclusive eye-witness picture synchronizer. The Fairfield's big-screen 17-inch television is RCA Victor million-proof television, quality-proven in more than 2 million homes. Yes, better-looking pictures and a better-looking cabinet, too. The Fairfield is perfectly beautiful. Its cabinet reflects the craftsmanship, the incomparable skill for which RCA Victor is famous. Every line, every detail of its classic design combine to form the best-looking television console of them all. Yes, the Fairfield is better-looking in every way. So stop in at your RCA Victor dealer. See and hear the exciting new Fairfield. You, too, will discover the RCA Victor Fairfield is better-looking in every way. Phil Harris is now making a movie at Republic Studios about the Air Force. In the picture, he plays the part of a flying sergeant. Right now, he's on the way home from the studio, accompanied by his stand-in, Frankie. Curly, something's bothering me about this picture you're making. Why'd they pick you for the part? It's obvious. They needed a romantic he-man for the part, and they had a choice between Gregory Peck and me. So naturally, they chose the better-looking one. Well, now that you laid your egg, tell me. Tell me, who did you have to pay to get the part? I didn't have to pay nobody. Why should they want Gregory Peck when they can have me? I happen to have a prepared answer for that. Gregory has appeal for the dames. I got an appeal for the dames. Gregory has deep, smoldering eyes. Nothing. He's just smolder. Mine are a couple of red-hot colds. Like some mornings, they look like a three-alarm fire. Now, what else has the Peck got? He's got a profile. So what? I got a whole face. Now, you just can't appreciate me because you're not a woman. They picked me for this picture because they needed a good-looking guy. Now, even you got to admit that I'm good-looking. All right, you're good-looking. You're handsome. You're a doll. But there's one thing I can't understand. Why? Why did they pick a homely guy like you? Curly, you don't belong in an Air Corp picture. You never like the airplanes and you're not accustomed to getting up high. What are you talking about? Getting high happens to be my bit. I'm talking about flying. Oh. So am I. Now, how about that scene we shot today with me at the controls of that B-29? There we were at 10,000 feet soaring through the blue. Hold it. Hold it. Tailspin, Tommy. Plane didn't even leave the ground. That was a trick shot and you know it. Well, it wasn't my fault. I begged him to let me go up and shoot that scene in the air. I was anxious to get up there. Height doesn't bother me at all. Doesn't, huh? No. What happened when they tried to make you look taller in the picture? Well, I don't remember nothing happening. Oh, of course you don't. When they put the elevator heels on you, you're blacked out. You've never been up in a plane and you're afraid to go up. I am not afraid. I'd go up in a plane in a minute if it wasn't for my back. What's wrong with your back? It's got a yellow streak running down my... Remli, here's my house. Let's go in. All right. And look, Remli, don't tell my kids I'm afraid to fly. They don't think I'm afraid of anything. And I don't want them to find out that their idol has feet of clay. All right, I won't tell them clay foot. Good. Now, stand back while I ring the doorbell. Why are you ringing the bell? Why don't you use your key? Well, I'll listen to kids have never seen me in this air-core uniform. That's why I wore it home today. I can't wait to see their reaction when they see me in this snazzy uniform. Hiya, Phyllis. Is your mother at home? Yes, sir. Oh, Mommy, there's an old boy scout here to see you. What do you mean, old boy scout? I'm your father. Hey, baby Alice, don't you recognize me? Gee, Daddy, where did you get that uniform? I wore it home from work. Mommy, come quick. Daddy's got a job as a Western Union messenger. What's going on in here? Why, Philip, you're wearing an air-core uniform. I'm glad somebody recognized it. How do I look in it? Splendid. Oh, Alice, I have wonderful news. Philip's been drafted. I haven't been drafted. I just happened to have this... Well, what are you talking about? Oh, Phil, you're in uniform. Yeah, and I ain't been drafted. I knew you wouldn't wait. You've enlisted. What a noble gesture for a man your age. Now, look, Alice, I have... I don't have time to talk now. I have to start knitting you a pair of socks. But, Alice... And I know you're anxious to return to your post and rejoin your comrades. Look, I... comrades. It ain't bad enough she got me in the army. She's got me on the wrong side. Alice, this is a uniform I wear in the picture. I know it. Come in the house before somebody sees you. What's the idea of wearing that out in the street? Take it off, Phil. I will not. I'll have you know I'm proud to be wearing the uniform of the Grand Army of the Republic Studio. Some of the bravest men in history have worn this uniform. Men like John Wayne, Forrest Tucker, Ward Bond, Errol Flynn, Gabby Hayes. Daddy looks wonderful in his uniform. Me too. Tell us, Daddy. Did anything exciting happen to you at the studio today? Well, yeah, honey, now that you mentioned it, it really did, yeah. Today I went through a harrowing experience. Worse than what happened yesterday? What happened yesterday? Didn't Daddy tell you? He and his co-pilot were flying at 10,000 feet when suddenly his co-pilot fell out of the plane. And the fall killed him? No. Fortunately, he was wearing rubber heels. When he hit the ground, he kept bouncing up and down. And finally, Daddy had to shoot him to keep him from starving to death. Oh, Phil, how could you? That's an old joke. My father told it to me when I was a little girl. It's not that old. You may know it, but this generation hasn't heard it yet. What was the exciting experience you had this morning, Daddy? Yeah, what old joke happened to you today? Quiet stand in. Girls, I had a hair-raising adventure today. I was up 40,000 feet cruising around in my B-29 when suddenly my plane burst into flames. Gee, what happened? I bailed out. I fell about 5,000 feet and suddenly I remembered that I had left my parachute in the plane. What did you do? I went back and got it. It ain't safe to be out there without a parachute. Anyway, I strapped the parachute to my back and I jumped. I dropped 40,000 feet straight down with nothing to break my fall. Why didn't you open the parachute? Because when I hit the ground, I wanted something soft to land on. What kind of a stupid question is that? Weren't you hurt when you hit the ground, Daddy? I never reached the ground. What happened? Well, while I was still 200 feet in the air, the director yelled, Cut! That was the end of the scene for today. I don't come down until tomorrow. I get killed. I can't wait until tomorrow. I can't wait either because it just happens that tomorrow I do my big scene. Just before I die, I sing. What a horrible way to go out. It's not horrible. It's beautiful. Just picture this. After the crash, I'm lying there in the arms of my commanding officer. Francis? Yeah. And I sing this song to him. Music. Mama's on the war path. Mama's fighting mad. Mama's boiling. Yes, mama's on the war path. Papa, papa got in bad. He's in bad, very bad, awful bad. Mama's on that war path. Papa's leaving town. Cause he's learned that when mama's on the war path, it just ain't safe to be around. Get away, get away. So if he runs away, he may live to fight another day. Before she throws him out, you can hear for papa yell and shout, take to the hills whenever mama's on that war path. Papa's laying low, cause he knows that when mama's on the war path, for papa, papa better blow. Brother blow, better blow, brother blow. Mama's on the war path. Mama wears the pants, cause in our house when mama's on the war path. For papa, papa ain't got a chance, not a chance, not a prayer. He's got put mama's on the war path. Papa's in a jam, and he knows that if mama's on the war path, he'd better take it on the land, better scram on the land. For papa's got a hunch, mama's saving up her Sunday punch. She likes him black and blue, so there's only one thing papa can do, take to the hills whenever mama's on that war path. Give her lots of room, cause as papa says when mama's on the war path, she's really riding on a broom, boom, boom, boom. She's a witch on a broom, for papa's got a hunch, mama's saving up her Sunday punch. She likes him black and blue, so there's only one thing papa can do, take to the hills whenever mama's on the war path. Give her lots of room, cause as papa says when mama's on the war path, she's really riding on a broom. What song do you sing to your commanding officer? You must be the best pilot in the world to do all those flying stunts in the picture. Oh shut, it ain't nothing that Eddie Rickenbacker or Lindbergh couldn't do. I tell you something, though, kids, when it comes to flying, it ain't nothing that your old man can't do. I'm probably the bravest pilot that ever lived. Daddy, seniors are such a good flyer. Will you take us up in the plane sometime? Well, of course I'll take you up, because when it comes, was that the phone rang? And will you take us up on a plane? That's what I thought you said. You're not afraid to take us up, are you, daddy? Oh, me afraid? Boy, that's, I, well, we... You know what he's trying to say is yes. I am not afraid. If you kids want me to take you up, I'll take you up sometime. Good. We'll go up this afternoon. This afternoon? You mean today, this afternoon? Yeah, this afternoon, the one that comes after this morning and before this night. I know which one. Look, kids, I'd love to take you up, but you see, like most flyers, I have a silly little superstition. What superstition? It won't go up in any plane that leaves the ground. That's not it at all. What is your superstition? We refuse to fly during any week that has a Friday in it. Daddy, we want to go for an airplane ride with you this afternoon. Can we flee? Please, daddy, will you take us up? Well, I... Of course, you will, kids. Now, you girls go up and put your coats on and your daddy will take you flying. Oh, thank you, daddy. I knew you'd say yes. I didn't say nothing. The liverlips lefties them doing all that. Oh, boy, our daddy's going to take us flying. Don't go away, daddy. We'll be back before you can say Jack Robinson. Jack Robinson's too late to fly it off. You can't back out now. I promised the kids. You're going to take them flying. You can't make a liar out of me. Remly. You've got to match. Why? I'm going to set you on fire. Plastic seersucker suit you're wearing should burn pretty good. I've got the idea of telling my kids I'm going to take them flying. I don't know how to fly a plane. You don't have to. I know a guy who runs a flying school. He'll take you on a flight over the city for $10. But the kids expect me to fly it. I got that figured out too. The pilot will let you sit next to him and the kids will think you're flying a plane. Yeah, that might work. But the kids don't notice I'm unconscious. What do you mean unconscious? That's the only way you're going to get me in that plane. Don't be such a sissy. Flying is perfectly safe as long as you have a good plane and a good pilot. I'm not afraid of the pilot or the plane. Then what are you afraid of? Nothing. The nothing that's between the plane and the ground. Why don't you try flying? You might learn to love it. It's not happening to thrashing machine too, but I ain't going to try. I fell in the still once when I was a kid. Nobody to blame but yourself. You started bragging and you'll have to go through with it. Besides, it'll teach you to conquer your fear. Do you think so? Oh, Phil, I think you should go up once. There's nothing to be afraid of. Tell you what, I'll go up with you. Would you, Mrs. Meshersmith? Of course, I'm not afraid. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll put on my blue dress with the built-in parachute and I'll be right back. So that's what's wrong with that blue dress. I thought she was starting to spread her mind. Hey, Curly, you're going to love flying. You get up about 10,000 feet and you look down and you see the earth. Looks like a small little golf ball and there's nothing between you. Please, Remly, will you please? Well, I get scared just thinking about it. It gives me the shakes all over. Now, look, Remly, what you've gone and done, just look at my hands. They're shaking like crazy. Hi, Mr. Harris, I brought... Oh, you've got a moily today, haven't you? Ah, Julius, leave him alone. Mr. Harris is shaking because he's afraid. Oh, I once bought her an old jelly spine today. Julius, please, I have a good reason for being afraid. Mr. Harris, I've been studying psychology and fear is all in the mind. So stop shaking. Usually it can be traced to a lack of security. Just because you're a broken down old man with no talent, no ability, and... keep shaking. Hey, the kid's right, Curly. It's all psychological. Sure. Don't you notice an underlying reason for everything a bison does? For example, Mr. Harris, on a surface you appear to be stooping, but underneath there's a very good reason for it. There is? Well, my kids want me to take them up in a plane, and, well, I've never been up in one, and I'm afraid. You're big sissy. There's nothing to fly in. It's just a question of getting used to it. Like eating olives. When you first ate olives, you didn't like them, but you developed a taste for them, didn't you? True. Same thing applies to planes. All right, get me a plane that'll float in the martini and I'll try. For example, my uncle was always afraid of planes, so he decided to conquer his fear the hard way. He went up in a plane with an open cockpit, and they didn't wear a safety belt or nothing. Well, did that conquer his fear? I don't know. We haven't been able to get through to the seance yet. Are you sure? Positive. This flight, uh-uh, there's one thing you can do for me. What? Are you ready to go? Let's go to the airport, huh? Look, Alice, I've been thinking there really isn't any reason why I should go up. Curly, please set your mind at ease. My friend is a good flyer and he's got great planes, so let's get out to the airport. Hey, Alice, you and the kids wait in the car while Frankie and I make the arrangements for a flight. Well, you'd better check on the planes and pilots and be sure they're safe. Now, you got nothing to worry about, Alice. Man, I'll wait a minute, Remly. Alice is right. Are you sure this is a good flying school? It's the best. It's run by an old friend of mine, Ace Berger. He's a famous flyer. What's he famous for? He's the one who plotted the course for Wrong Way Corrigan. Oh, I can see we're incapable. Oh, Curly, he don't fly himself anymore. He has very skilled pilots and his planes are the best. What kinds do you use? PBYXTs. Oh, Pibdics. Great aircraft. That's fine. Now, look, Frankie, I'm going up to the first time and I want to make sure that this flying school has the best planes and the best pilots. You have come to the right place, Harris. Schultz! My name ain't Schultz. I know, but I'm tired of saying Grogan. Grogan, what are you doing here? What happened to Ace? He isn't here anymore. I bought him out. If Ace wouldn't sell this place, he's making a lot of money here. Yeah, I know. I had a little trouble with him. I made him a good offer and he refused to sell me. So I did the next best thing. Why? I bought it from his widow. Now, tell me, which one of you guys wants to take the flying lessons? No, we don't want any flying lessons. You see, we wanted to go up for a flight, but now I don't think I will. What's the matter? Are you chicken or something? I'm not chicken, but I'm a little afraid and I just want to make sure I get a good pilot. Well, I'll tell you what, Harris. If that is what's bothering you, your worries are over because I will take you up personally. Now, what do you say? Let's try drop dead, Versailles. Look, I ain't going up with you. All right, all right. I'll let you go with my best pilot. Bail out Branigan. Bail out? Yeah, yeah. He never learned how to land the plane. That's the only way to come down. See what I'm telling you, Curly? You got nothing to worry about. No, of course not. Our plane's all foolproof. They had the latest thing. Now, you take this plane right here. Now, this is a masterpiece of aeronautical engineering. See, I built this myself. It has got a streamlined fuselage. It has got four motors and three wings. Three wings? Yeah. In case one falls off, you're going to have a stick. Why should a wing fall off? You can't depend on the glue they make these days. Brogan, I don't like to ask stupid questions, but why you got your laundry hanging on them wings? That ain't laundry. It's a special safety gadget I installed. I put a suit of long underwear on each wing. Do you mind if I figure this one out for myself? Oh, I got it. Hey, in the winter, the long underwear keeps the wings from icing off. Very good. That is only one of their functions. They aren't really there to slow the plane down. The long underwear slows the plane down? Sure. When you come in for a landing, you just let down the flaps. So if you'll excuse me, I think I'll flap at home. Come back here. I am going to prove to you that this is a great plane. Now, look, kid, the most important part of a plane is a motor, and this is the best motor that is made. Now, I just want you to listen to this. Why don't I turn the switch on? You go ahead, you start turning the propeller there. OK. Switch on? Switch on. Contact? Contact. And a boy, Harris, you're doing great. Oh, just listen to that motor home. What home? Nothing's happening. How long do I have to keep turning this propeller? Until the rubber band winds up. Well, it's been nice visiting with you, Grogan. You've been a splendid host, and if you ever happen to go past my house, I'll appreciate it. Now, come on. Hey, Saint. Look, Remli, that's don't lose any more time around here. I know just a place to go to take the kids up. Come with me. Well, kids, I told you I'd take you up, and I did. But gee wizards, kind of good to be back on the old solid ground again. Were you kids scared when you were up there? No. Were you daddy? Of course not. Hey pilot, help me unfasten my safety belt and parachute, will you? OK. You know something, bud? What? You're the first person who ever asked for a parachute when he went up on my ferris wheel. And Phil will be back in just a moment. It's the latest, the greatest star-studded collection of music ever brought together under one title. It's RCA Victor's 50 all-time greats. Here's your choice of any or all of the outstanding hits past and present, popular and classical, the greatest selling titles of them all, sung, played and conducted by some of the world's finest artists. And only RCA Victor could bring you such a superb collection of music. Here's a sample of RCA Victor's 50 all-time greats. Fats Waller's inimitable rendition of, I'm gonna sit right down and write myself a letter. Leopold Stikovsky conducting his symphony orchestra in the Blue Danube walls. Hiturby playing Claire DeLune and Bon Monroe singing, there I've said it again. Yes, this is the collection for you, 50 all-time greats, recorded at 78 and 45 RPM on RCA Victor Red Seal and popular single records. 50 all-time greats, RCA Victor's collection of songs and stars. Buy these recordings singly or better still, buy them all. Buy them at your RCA Victor dealers. This is Phil again. I wanna say congratulations to a great guy, Walter O'Keefe of Double or Nothing, who celebrates his 21st anniversary on radio starting this week. So make it a date for a lot of fun and tune in. Walter O'Keefe and Double or Nothing starting Friday, May the 25th for a full week. Good night everybody. Good night everybody. This program was produced transcribed by Paul Phillips. Remember whether you're buying a television set, a radio, a victory phonograph or record, put your faith in the cornerstone of American home entertainment for three generations. RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music, first in television.