 Lieber Brothers Company makers of swan the soap with the exclusive super creamed blend presents swan with my friend Irma Starring Marie Wilson is Irma and Kathy Lois is Jane See I'm like everyone else just recovering from the mad Excitement of the holiday season The excitement part is something we all go through but the madness comes in only when you live with my friend Irma Now please understand me Irma Peterson is a wonderful girl and without her our little apartment on West 73rd Street would be Well, it wouldn't be the same Princess the other night I started to take down our Christmas tree and Irma said oh, please don't take the Christmas tree down Jane I've been watering it all day Oh Maybe it'll grow See what I mean Well right now Irma is sitting at the table doing her homework now by homework I mean that Irma is a stenographer and every night she has to come home and try to decipher the dictation She took during the day Now there are two known systems of shorthand Pittman and Greg to this has been added the unknown That's the Irma Peterson system Such markings have never been found on the inside of an Egyptian tomb So I'm trying to help her Irma. Yes Jane now honey. We figured out one page now What's this you've written here? Dear sir as your attorney. I wish to advise you that you must pay X Regret twelve missing bottles. Oh It's simple Jane. What's the X for expenses? Oh, yeah That's pretty close. What is regret twelve bottles missing? I don't know shorthand for we lost the case. Oh I think you better take it from here, honey. All right Jane Gee sometimes it gets so fed up with being a stenographer. Oh, honey, that's perfectly normal Most people would like to change jobs You must remember the grass always looks greener in the other fellow's yard. That's silly I wouldn't give up stenography to become a gardener. I Beg your pardon. Oh Jane. What's the use there's no escape? Well, there's always marriage I'm sorry. I forgot if you marry Al. You'll just be working under a different name I Know something honey, you take the wrong approach to work. Oh, it's all the same. I've tried the fifth Avenue bus the sixth Avenue bus No, no, no That's not what I mean. Now listen Irma You you see you're just an average girl just just like millions of other girls in New York and and you're lucky You've got a good job. I don't have delusions of grandeur, honey, but Jane are you satisfied with being a secretary? Well, I happen to know that a working girl's only escape is marriage So I'm content to work sit and wait and wait and wait If you get tired of waiting, what do you do Jane? You pull your hair and then you wait and wait and wait. Well Jane, I'm not going to wait I'm going to quit my job. The first chance I get now listen, sweetie. Come in It's only me, Professor Kropatkin Hello, Jane and Irma my two little electric currents one a live wire the other a short circuit Excuse me a little joke. I picked up in the electric store Girls I just came down to borrow some smelling salts. Why who fainted Mrs. O'Reilly. I gave her the rent That's wonderful professor. Did you get a raise? No, I got a better job. I quit the gypsy theorem I am now playing force fiddle at the Bijou theater. Oh Professor, that's wonderful. What's so wonderful about it a broken down theater a bunch of hula-hula girls is running around wearing Practically nothing and I am sitting behind the bass drummer. I can't see anything Only from the expression on the saxophone players face do I know what's going on But in a real theater, it's so glamorous you call this glamour Irma in the old country Kropatkin was considered an artist I remember as a little boy people from miles around would come through snow and slush and stand there shivering waiting To hear you play. No, my father sold firewood But even then I loved music and I kept on and what is the result today. I'm at the Bijou Cheap professor. I envy you having a glamorous job while I'm just a stenographer You know, I'm thinking of changing my job. Oh professor Irma refuses to listen to me Would you give her a little advice gladly Irma my pigeon listen to me be? Satisfied all the glitters is not gold. I know that professor. How do you know I had to watch y'all gave me a praise No darling listen what I mean is there is a very old saying look before you leap But what does that got to do with it? Nothing. This is a saying for broad jumpers Goodbye and good luck. I'm on my way to the Bijou You see Jane the professor's changing his job. Why can't I well now honey? The professor happens to be a talented musician What besides the secretary could you be? Well, I could be a model Elsa's I have nice legs. Oh, I know you have honey. You know I got them for my mother. What? Oh They're not my mother's legs. They're mine mother has her own Yes, yes naturally honey, I think you better stay just where you are and count your blessings Come in. Oh, Jane. Hi chicken. Oh Hello, Al, honey. Oh, are those new shoes? Yeah made a restaurant buy them for me. They ruin my old ones Stupid waiters stumbled and dropped soup on them You couldn't wear the old ones because soup fell on them. Yeah, it shrank all the newspapers in my soul How do I look chicken? Oh, awfully cute. I feel good to write in the mood to swing the big deal. I'm working on Oh, no, not another deal. What is it this time out putting stilts on mushrooms and selling them for end tables? I Nothing so wild this one can't miss putting Mexican jumping beans and pancake flour so they'll turn over by themselves I know he's going to come out on top. Yeah, well, I better leave before I blow mine Goodbye all Super-sensitive Dave Gee, I'm so glad you came over. I've been feeling so depressed. Oh, what's depressing you chicken? Work the word depresses me too Something wrong. I'm so tired of my job. It's it's so monotonous. Well, it's just temporary After we're married. We'll go on our honeymoon. Then when we come back, you can look for something else No Alice getting on my nerves typing for hours and then forgetting to put the paper in The envelopes and having to mail a postcard saying letter will follow. Oh Well, I'm a nervous wreck Anything wrong. Oh, that's too bad. Oh, I certainly will right away. Goodbye. What's up chicken? Well, the professor broke his bow at rehearsal And he wants me to pick up another bow in his room and bring it backstage at the theater Oh anything for the professor chicken. Shall we take a trolley? Wait, I'll toss a coin. All right Al Where's the coin a Chicken I think we'll have to walk Okay Alice only 35 blocks Okay chicken, here's the stage entrance yeah, this is the first time I've ever been backstage Yeah, I'm so excited What a life it must be and I have to be stuck with an old stenography job Well, that's life chicken forget it now go in and give the professor his bow. I'll wait out here Where do you think you're going sister? I'm looking for professor group hot can I want to give him his bow? Not so loud the shows on Yeah, the great Cardone the magician is doing his act. Oh, do you mind if I watch? No, no come over here and peek out of the wings. He's not very talented. Huh? What are you talking about? He's thrown 15 knives at the girl he hasn't hit her once Quiet sister. They're coming off. I've got to bring up the house lights Now listen here Paulie and how many times must I tell you not to scratch your back on my knives in the middle of the Act it don't look classy I'm sick and tired of you griping and I don't like the whole routine Well, what are you gonna do about it? You ain't quitting your fire get out of here Hey, Cardone. What are you gonna do for tomorrow night? Who needs her? I'm the act Yeah, but who you gonna saw in half tomorrow night ain't important who I saw in half anybody can do it Just as long as she thinks fast pardon me But would you give this boat of professor Kapotka? Oh, hello girlie. Who you with? Oh, I'm not with an act I'm a stenographer, but I hate it. Well say how would you like to be in show business? Oh, I'd love it But I don't sing or dance. Oh, you don't have to sing or dance. I just want you to let me saw you in half Saw me in half and no, thank you. What's wrong? I'd like something more permanent I Listen girlie, I don't really saw you in half. It's a trick you get 50 bucks a week in expenses Think of the glamour think of the lights ain't every day I'm there can be so it in half by the great Cardone. Well, I don't look why don't you come tomorrow night and see how you like it All right. Yeah, you think the kid will be all right. Oh, sure pop. I'll break her inch will be great See you tomorrow at seven sister. Oh, I'm so excited. I hear will you give this boat of professor Kapotkin? I want to tell my boyfriend. I'm in show business What's the matter chicken? Oh a wonderful thing has happened. What is it? Al? Do you love me? Well, of course I do. Would you still love me if there were two of me? What are you talking about? I'm in show business tomorrow. I'm going to be sawed in half What do you mean chicken? Well, I just got a job with a great Cardone. Is this on the level? Yes, I get $50 a week in expenses. That's a pretty high level. Oh, do you prove Al? Approve? I certainly I approve. I never wanted you to keep that stenography job working for that lawyer Clyde From now on chicken, you're on your own. You're gonna work for me. I'm gonna be your manager My manager? Right chicken and believe me, this is only the start first They saw you in half then if you show any ability they throw knives at you And then if you really got the stuff they shoot you out of a cannon and a star is born And now Susie swan sings to us listen My advice says Susie when you are buying soap for dishes, please be choosy Swan gives a brand new kind of suds you see your dishes wash so easily Swan's gentle too. I swan do you says Susie Yes, ladies, it's true Swan's exclusive super cream blend really does give you a wonderful new kind of suds for dishes a new kind of suds That save you hours in the kitchen you see swan's new kind of suds whip up faster in the dish pan Then rinse away in a twinkling all you need is one quick hot rinse and even glasses sparkle without drying and Swan's new kind of suds are mild as well as fast Swan super cream blend protects your lovely hands leaves them soft and smooth as ever So now you can do a quick dishwashing job without strong soaps or strong soap powders that make your hands all red and unattractive Remember you get both speed and mildness with swan soap because only swan has this exclusive super cream blend Well, I don't know what happened last night, but Irma is certainly acting strange this morning She's standing in front of the mirror making faces. She's laughing Now she's crying Now she's singing give my regards to Broadway Now she's trying to jump over one leg She didn't make it Irma what in the world are you doing? Oh, please Jane don't interfere with my career with your career Oh wait till Al gets here. You'll find out now. Please don't interrupt To be or not to be That is the answer Look honey, I've asked you a hundred times. What is this all about? Well, I can't tell you Jane you'll find out when Al gets here. What's Al got to do with it? Come in. Oh Jane Chicken Jane did you hear the news? Just break it to me gently Jane chicken is going on the stage. Oh The two of you are crazy. Don't be a skeptic Jane. I tell you this girl is a natural There's no telling where the two of us can go. I've got an idea What is this all about Irma don't talk to me Jane talk to my manager your manager Yes, Al let me sign a contract with him last night a contract with Al Yes, Jane is perfectly legal. It's one of those regular contracts that show people have I get 10% of everything I make Just a minute just a minute kids. Let me get this straight you mean that Irma is really going on the stage That's right. Yeah, but what about her job? She's quitting it. Yes, Jane. You know how I hate that job Now Irma Peterson you'll do no such thing listen here Al Irma is not going to leave her job until she has one to take its place Well, she's got another job. I told you she's on the stage doing what? Oh, you'll see. Well Irma What can you do? Can you sing? No, can you dance? No talk? No Al I demand to know what she's going to do. I She's gonna do bit parts Yes in two bits No as your manager I refuse and as Irma's roommate I insist on knowing now look here Jane Irma is making her debut tonight if you want to see you will tell you the time and place but not until we're ready Now if you promise not to interrupt chicken and I have business to discuss By all means mr. Siegfield Now first of all chicken Irma Peterson is not a stage name. You got to have something catchy glamorous. I Always like bubbles No something with more class now. Let's see. There was Sarah Bernhardt. Maybe we could switch it around Yeah, yeah make it Irma Hartburn very descriptive Never mind the cracks Jane would like to get something continental Parisian you got a French dictionary chicken. Oh, I have as a bottle of perfume. Yeah, well, let me see it here manager Hmm. Oh the cologne Hey, that's kind of classy. Yeah, sure and then no one could say the act smells Why don't you call yourself or derv's or derv's? Yeah, and then they couldn't say you're from hunger. Oh I just can't be a part of this any longer. I'm going out to meet Richard Jane are you coming to my debut look honey? I don't know what you and your your so-called manager are up to But if you want to make a spectacle of yourself now, don't ask me to have any part of it Goodbye kids Boy what an envious day. Yeah, I think we should have told her what I'm doing. Oh chicken She'd only laugh at you. She wouldn't see that. This is just a stepping stone to bigger things It's me again, Professor Kropatkin Irma darling, I hear you've got the job with the great Cardone. He's going to sore you in half Oh professor, I'm so excited. I know it's only the beginning as Al says but I think the main thing is just to get well Getting started in show business. Well Irma if you've got theatrical ambitions. All I can say is good luck to you my darling I hope you kill them at both ends On behalf of my protege, thanks professor, maybe you can help us We're trying to find a theatrical name for Irma. Well, there are millions, but my favorite is Tamara Tamara don't sound bad. It's got great exploitation possibilities Can't you just hear them saying ladies and gentlemen today we bring you tomorrow Yes, but what will we do the next day No professor ink at enough sock sock I got it. Take an actor with a lot of punch Pat O'Brien Then we take a great dramatic actress Margaret Sullivan. We got it Margaret O'Brien No didn't come out right Look chicken, we can find a name later The main thing is for you to make a big hit tonight. Well, I'll try it just a second got to make sure we get applause Only one man who can help it. Well, who else but hello Joe Al Got a problem Look Joe Irma is going into show business Well, no not a sideshow regular show Want you to bring the boys to the Bijou theater and applaud for her, huh? You can't get out tonight Well, you got a letter from your most trusted son. Well, yeah, I remember they made him a trustee here What do you mean it's a rank-and-file letter? Oh the food is ranked and he wants you to send him a file. I See Joe will try another angle. Goodbye Joe can't be there to see you Irma. He has to stay home and bake a cake Al I'm so nervous. I don't be nervous honey. Come on. We'll start for the theater. I'm hitching my wagon to you chicken I'm too tired. Let's just take a trolley Well Jane I thought you'd never get here the traffic was terrible Richard did you get the theater tickets? Well, that's what I wanted to ask you about now We have a choice of three this Finneans rainbow a streetcar named desire and Brigadona, which would you prefer Jane? Well Jane, what's the matter honey? Oh, it's ridiculous. It's just too silly to talk about Richard. I see what about Irma You guessed it. She's appearing on the stage somewhere tonight Al wouldn't tell me where on the stage Does Irma have talent talent Richard all I can tell you about Irma's talent is that I once heard her sing There's an awful lot of coffee in Brazil and it kept me awake for nights Then what's she doing on the stage? I don't know Richard and that that's what frightens me and you know, I kind of feel a sense of guilt You know, I've always been near her when she needed me and I got a feeling tonight It's gonna be double in spades But Jane if you don't know where she's appearing you can't do anything about it Well, I could call Professor Kropotkin. He'd know but why should I do you think I'm full enough to waste an evening in some broken-down Theater, do you think I'm gonna sit by and watch Irma Peterson make a fool out of herself? Do you think I'd do a thing like that why I'd be out of my mind? Well, here I am out of my mind at the Riju Theater. Oh How can I describe this place? You know they say that vaudeville is dead That's true. This must be the graveyard Richard and I feel kind of silly but Richard blesses hard He thinks it's an opening night and he insisted upon being chivalrous. He has a bouquet of flowers in his hand In this respect, he's a little different from the rest of the audience. They're all carrying vegetables. I Still don't know what Irma's going to do tonight and the last act is now going on Ladies and gentlemen the great count only For my first trick I will saw this beautiful blonde woman In half. Oh mother. It's Irma Take it easy Jane. You're biting my flowers Ladies and gentlemen your attention, please Many people think that in doing my famous sawing trick. I do not use a real live person I give you my word that this young lady is not a dummy How to saw this lady in half well If I ever become a grandmother, this is one story I must never tell my grandchildren Because they think their old granny is hitting the bottle So help me it's happening right before my unbelieving eyes Irma is stretched out in a big black box Her head is sticking out of one end her feet out of the other Now the great cardoni is sawing her Irma is blowing kisses at the audience with her head Now she's looking at her feet She wants to see how the other half lives Manager that he is is standing proudly in the wings with two bath robes for Irma One regular length in the other short Just in case the trick doesn't work Irma probably doesn't want her to catch a cold Cardoni saws on Now Irma is giggling Saw must be tickling her Cardoni is glaring at her and I have a strange feeling that if she doesn't stop giggling Cardoni is going to forget his artistic integrity and really go to work on her Now the trick is finished Irma is in two parts The great cardoni is standing center stage with the saw poised over his head He speaks ladies and gentlemen for all practical purposes this woman is sawed in half She cannot breathe. She cannot move. She cannot speak. That's right folks And if that isn't enough to ruin cardoni's act Irma has stepped out of the box to take a bow Although I have never seen cardoni's act before I'm sure this is a new finish tonight Because he has completely forgotten the audience and is chasing Irma around the stage with the saw Come on Richard. Come on one Irma Peterson is enough two would be a little tough to take Here Jane we can get backstage this way. All right. Just a second lady. Get out of my way Get out. Get out. We're friends of the of the star Could you do this? Don't yell at me Jane. I'm so unhappy I was fired Oh, I didn't think that guy was chasing you with a saw to give you a raise Oh, I know what you're thinking Jane, but I was so tired of my job And this looked like such a good way to start and I'll thought now listen to me Irma Peterson You are going home and you are going to write in your book. I am going to remain a stenographer 500 times In shorthand. Yes. Oh Jane. What's the good of that? You know, I won't be able to read it back I'll wrap a bar of swan soap and lay it in the tub and then she turned the water on and walked away Well, naturally I was curious and I said honey. Why are you wasting our swan soap and Irma said I'm not wasting it A swan like to shower as well as we do Well, confidentially Irma, there's nothing that a cake of swan likes better than to wash your dishes shining bright And ladies float a cake of swan in your dish pan next time quick as a flash You can whip up billows of swan's famous new kind of suds extra thick extra rich suds that whisk away grease and dirt fast And thanks to swan's exclusive supercream blend swan's new kind of suds rents away so completely with one quick hot rinse That you don't need to dry your dishes. Yes swans wonderful new kind of suds get you out of the kitchen quicker But that's not all your hands are left smooth lovely as ever because swan's supercream blend protects them all through your dishwashing job Yes, swan's exclusive supercream blend gives you a new kind of suds for the two things you like best for dishwashing speed and mildness My friend Irma presented by swan another fine product of lever brother's company was produced and directed by sci-howard Tonight's script was written by sci-howard and park levy Ladies listen the shortage of fats and oils is still very serious and it's worldwide So please keep on saving every single drop of used kitchen fat. Your butcher will pay you for every pound frank bingman speaking You bet there's a reason why spry is the cake making wonder spry has an amazing cake Improver secret try the sure spry one bowl way and be certain of lighter finer richer cakes every time No other type of shortening has spry's cake improver secret for new cake making success rely on spry Pure all vegetable spry with cake improver Reliance fry spry Tune in again to my friend Irma next monday evening at this same time. This is cbs the columbia broadcasting system