 So let me ask you, are you tired of dating advice all centered around what you must do to get a man to respect you? Let me repeat that, are you tired of advice of the things you must do to get a man to respect you? Well, today we're gonna talk about a man will respect your value when he has these five things. So we're gonna talk about what men need to be doing because oftentimes the conversation is all about how women must show up a certain way to get a man to respect them, to value them, to chase you, to get your ex back. You must be doing all these sorts of things. And what about the men? Are they just sit around doing nothing? Well, today we're gonna talk about what men should be doing or let me reframe that. What a man, the space a man must be into actually value you to respect you as another person. Now, let me be clear about something. There is one thing you do need to do, okay? There is one thing you need to do to feel value, respected, cherished, desired, chaste. And that is to love yourself. That's right, love yourself. Now that doesn't necessarily mean in a narcissistic kind of way and that doesn't necessarily mean in a self-care kind of way. I wrote a book called What the Heck Is Self Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Opening Spiritual Work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. But it's important to, self-love is about your self-worth, your self-esteem, your self-confidence, your self-reliance. It's all of those self-words and it includes self-care. Much like what the flight attendant says when you're getting on an airplane, if you're traveling with small children, put the oxygen mask on yourself first. What self-love does is it establishes that you do not give your power away to another human being. That's right, you do not give your power away. And I know women have traditionally been conditioned this way and there's so much conversation out there that men are the leaders and you must submit, you must submit to a man because men are the testosterone and they're the provider and protectors and they must leave because these men know what they're doing. Well, let me just be clear with everyone. Men are rather clueless when it comes to dating, mating and relating. And that's in the early stage of dating and let's just be real for a moment. Most men have weak emotional maturity and most men have poor relationship skills. Now, why does this happen for men? And we're gonna lean into these five things that must happen for men to be able to respect and value is because we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. We are swimming in a sea of emotionally wounded people. You know, it's interesting. I was just looking back. I got married in my mid-20s and I only had one relationship prior to getting married. Excuse me, I got married in my late 20s. Excuse me, I met my wife at 27, got married at 29 and I only had one relationship prior to that. I had no, and that was at age 19. I had little or no experience by the time I got married. And I didn't even know who I was as a person when I got married. In fact, I'll be candid with you. When I got married, I was rather selfish, very myopic, very self-centric. Not, I mean, mostly because I was programmed to go to college get a job, meet a girl, get married, buy a house, start a family. I followed all that protocol that was taught to me as a, and by the way, I'm a tail end baby boomer, right? Right before Gen X. And that was the programming I had. And because of that programming, I followed it, but I was very unconscious to who I was as a person. More importantly, all of my childhood wounds didn't really begin to surface until I began interacting with another human being that I lived with. See, this is the interesting part of the dating, mating or relating conversation is most of the dating conversation doesn't talk about the effects, the emotional effects that we experience as we age and how that can dramatically affect how we operate. And since my audience is midlife, and I say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement, many of us have gone through one divorce, possibly two, possibly three. Many of us have had multiple relationships. I was actually adding up how many relationships I had more than three months after my divorce. And I had one, two, three, four, five, six, seven relationships that were three months or greater. Now within, I had two that were over one and a half years, but the rest were all these short-term experiences. Why I'm sharing this with you is I don't think we really get to know who we are as people until we've experienced multiple interactions with other human beings. And so when I say a significant percentage are wounded, I'm gonna share with you in a moment why it's critically important to recognize these five things when you're dating in the early stages of dating, because if you miss these things in the early stages of dating, you might find yourself with a man who will not respect you, who will not value you. Now most likely, if a man doesn't respect you, a man doesn't value you, it's because most likely he doesn't respect or value himself. And while that isn't on the list, okay, that I'm about to share with you, it certainly makes sense, right? If that resonates with you, post a comment below, I'd like to hear your thoughts, okay? All right, so number one, he has to be in a good place in his life. He has to be in a good place. After my divorce, I was a train wreck. I was a mess. I was so deep, I mean, for a variety of different reasons, not only was I going through a divorce, I found myself the high-end corporate job I had. They took away my department and I found myself practically unemployed and eventually unemployed. And then the market crash of 2008, I was a train wreck, but I was out there dating. I was also going through a contentious divorce. And what was interesting is you women are beautiful human beings. You'll accept a guy in his total dysfunctionality, but if a man isn't in a good place, he can't commit, he can't respect you, he can't value, because he can't value and respect himself. So if he's going through a contentious divorce, are God forbiddy as a contentious ex? Oh my God, talk about those nightmares. Any of you experienced one of those men who have had a contentious ex? If you have, post a comment there. I'd like to read what you have to share. So maybe they have issues going on in their professional life. I was going through this emotional hell because I lost my identity and it took me almost 10 years before I dug my way out of the pit of despair. What's the biblical, Joseph was in the pit, I think it was Joseph in the pit of despair. I had to crawl my way out of pit of despair. It took me a decade. How many of you women will nurture a man in that space? And guess what he does? If he's not in a good place and you're in relationship with him, the minute he's in a good place, he's gonna trade you in because he wants to look like a bright shiny penny to someone new most likely. That's not always the case. Some men are noble and chivalrous and will stick by you because you stuck by them. But certainly I want you to recognize that a man will not value and respect you if he's not in a good place. Okay, number two, he is introspective and he's committed to his growth. It's important that they're not only introspective and what introspective means is they look inward and ask themselves, when I'm triggered, what am I, okay, why am I triggered? If I'm unhappy, why am I unhappy? It's one thing to examine oneself, one's behavior, one's emotions, one's way of operating in life. But it's also, it's worthless if they don't do something to change it. See, we have a lot of human beings that are introspective, but they do no work to actually improve, to grow beyond it. Just going to one workshop is not enough. Sadly, if you're with somebody who's not committed to grow, it's going to be problematic. The minute there is friction in the relationship because let's face it, most humans don't know how to even resolve conflict. There's an interesting book I want you to check out. It's by Calvin Robertson. He's on the show, married at first sight. He wrote, marriage ain't for punks. And he talks about conflict resolution. Again, by the way, all the books I recommend is in the Jonathan recommend books. There's a PDF that'll send you to all the books I recommend. But if they're not committed to growing your relationship, your relationship will hit a brick wall and it will crumble. Healthy, okay. You have to recognize that most, if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, this is not a fact, it's merely an opinion. Please excuse the glare. I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical emotional health issues and weak emotional maturity and weak relationship skills. And while I say 20% is healthy, I'm being rather generous, most everybody is dysfunctional and let me be clear, I'm in that category of dysfunction too. I'd like to think I'm moving towards the healthy. I hope so, but believe me, I have my own stuff but the difference is I'm willing to own it. And secondly, I'm willing to work on. In other words, if a partner draws to my attention. So, and by the way, a lot of you think you're all in the healthy category. It fascinates me how every human thinks they're the exception but not the rule. The reason why I call myself out because folks I'm not gonna blow smoke up your ass. Emotional maturity takes herculean work and if a person isn't introspective and committed to growth, it's most likely going to be problematic. Hey, it's 1111 problematic in the dating environment. Okay, number three, he is intentional in the dating process. Intentional means he clearly knows what he wants. Folks, when people are uncertain, when people have no direction, they aimlessly walk around. I mean, imagine you're gonna walk from New York to Los Angeles, okay? Oh, well, make it easy. You're gonna drive, okay? But you have no GPS. You have no Thomas Brother guide. Does everyone remember Thomas Brothers guides? You have no ways, no maps, no nothing. And you're actually, and you can't even see the direction of the sun. You're gonna end up in all kinds of places and you might not never, you might never make it to your destination. Well, if you don't clearly know you want to be in a fully committed relationship with this man that you're speaking to, he's like, oh, let's just take it slow. Let's just have some fun. I'm okay with having sex with you, having fun, but I'm just not gonna invest anything emotional in this relationship because that's not where I wanna go. I just want casual. In fact, I'm not even gonna put a label on it. It's really gonna be a situation. In fact, in fact, actually unbeknownst to you, we are just gonna have a friends with benefits relationship, but you don't know about it because I'll disguise it in the form of monogamy. I'll say I'm monogamous and I'll say I'm an exclusive, but since you have no vows with one another, I can cheat, I can cheat on you whenever I want because a handshake is almost worthless without intentionality. In fact, I took a quote. I wanna share with you a quote. It's from Yogi Berra. Does anyone remember Yogi Berra? Not the cartoon, but the baseball player says, if you don't know where you're going, you'll end up someplace else. If you don't know where you're going, you'll end up someplace else. I'm here to advocate. If a guy isn't intentional, then how can he genuinely value and respect you? Because if he's acting aimless, he's just driving the car wherever direction, he might actually end up in circles because he doesn't even have the sun to follow. Number four. He's objective, objective. What objective is is looking at a situation and assessing if it's right for him. In other words, he isn't blindly following lust or limerence. He's not blindly following lust or limerence. He's being objective. In other words, it's not about, oh my God, we have the most amazing chemistry. Oh my God, you are unlike any other woman. I mean, I could see us getting married. I can see us going on trips together. Oh my God, you're gonna fit into my life perfectly. He's all being driven by the chemical reaction. In fact, I'm gonna talk about this tomorrow's video. I'm gonna talk about the difference between how a man feels, how he feels with you versus how he feels about you. There's a big difference, okay? But an objective person assesses you in the totality. And that's actually treating you with respect because if he doesn't feel like you'll fit into his life, he's gonna end the relationship. And when a man ends the relationship usually within the first 90 days, an honorable man, it's cause he doesn't really see you as a fit in his life. Except sadly, most men are honorable. So you're getting ghosted and getting, they got what they wanted. They had their, what's known as post-nut clarity, meaning they got to ejaculate inside you. And all of a sudden they're like, oh, I don't like this person anymore. Gee, I wished I thought of that. Well, they actually don't because all they care about is ejaculation. But that's for another conversation. He's objective, he assesses everything and he doesn't give in to lust and limerence. And number five, hey listen, a man can't respect and value you. If he isn't into you, he's got to be into you. I mean, the bottom line is you have to be into the person. You know, the tricky part, a healthy person approaches being into you from a healthy place. A wounded person is into you from an unhealthy place. What does that look like? Oh, they are constantly needing validation from you. Might be an unhealthy place. You pull away and they chase you. That might be another unhealthy place. Their control freaks. God forbid they're narcissists. They're gonna love bomb you and trick you into falling in love with them. They might seem like they're into you. They're sociopaths. They're bipolar, they're borderline personality. You know, God forbid you get stuck with one of those types. They have poor relationship history. They still have, they're still blaming their ex. They take no ownership in their life. They're not introspective. They're not committed to growth. They're not intentional. They're not objective. They're not in a good place. Wounded people might appear to be into you and don't forget, you got to differentiate the folks. You've heard the saying, men are the gas, women are the brakes. They are into you after sex, okay? Because there's the guys who just, you know, have to have that need, physical need met so it might seem they're into you. Okay, so now afterwards, but are they into you for healthy reasons or are they into you because they're really a train wreck? And believe me, I was there and it usually lasts about 90 days. Well, actually I was a train wreck and I'd give it 90 days and I would end it but I do my best to end it honorably but I was still a train wreck. And interesting enough, a lot of you women will accept train wrecks but that's a whole nother conversation and a train wreck can be into you but it doesn't mean. Again, they have to be in a good place. They have to be introspective and committed to growth. They have to be intentional. They have to be objective. And lastly, he's into you. Better than he's just not that into you. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I do my best to read them all within the first 24 hours. And as always, if you find value in this, please hit the like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And in the show notes are all different ways you can connect to me. You can schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. You can follow me on Instagram. You can join my group. You get all the books I recommend in the show notes, okay? All right, it's time for Q and A if you have a question. There's a little chat box there. If you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the super sticker super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with his brother, Colin. He's my son who passed away over five and a half years ago in his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman process, Insight Institute and scholarships to coaching as well. And again, you can, and our goal tonight is $50. So let's collect some money for Connor, okay? I'd like, I really appreciate the love. And again, if you have a question, write the word question and post the question there after. So while we're waiting for questions, oh, here's one, power achieve. Do you think a lot of people are just wandering around not knowing what they want? They're like window shoppers. They sample and the produce and try all on the clothing, but they never buy anything. Well, if you're not familiar with my chart, I call the three types of people actively dating, okay? Again, please forgive the glare. This is not a fact, it's merely an opinion. 20% of the population, this is men and women alike are users. These are people that have, they seek short-term game, love bombers, players, gold diggers and title women, selfish people, they only care about their own needs. Now over here, I say 20% are grower builders. Grower builders, they seek long-term. They're emotionally grown up. They have good relationship skills. They have their act together, okay? And then the vast majority of what I call spenders. The reason why I call them spenders, they spend time with you. They seek companionship. They seek connection. They seek sex, but no direction, uncertain, fearful, usually have a dysfunctional life, okay? So yeah, I would say 80% of people, and this is by the way, you ladies are no picnic either, okay? You know, it's funny how most humans think they're the exception, not the rule, okay? Most humans are rather dysfunctional. So yeah, I think there are a lot of window shoppers. I've talked to women who literally have openly admit they use men for just going out to dinners or they use, when I say use men, they just go out to dinners, but they have no intention of committing because they know they're deeply wounded, but they want company. I've heard this from women, okay? Now I know men do the same thing. You know, I'm a big proponent of know thyself, know thyself, and when you know yourself, maybe you operate from a sense of integrity instead of window shopping, and a lot of people find themselves in placeholder relationships, but that's another conversation. PowerG just said, thank you for the explanation, you're quite welcome. All right, Kimberly, what do you got here for us, young lady? Dating a gentleman, great connection, both lost our spouses, have a great time together. He has a 16-year-old daughter, so doesn't want to be serious until she graduates, advice us. Yeah, wait to have sex when, yeah, have sex when his daughter graduates. That's my advice, okay? Look it, that's bullshit. That's just an excuse. That also could mean he's just not that into you enough. I mean, believe me, if he thought you were the top of the tree, he wouldn't want to lose you. So I recognize that having a daughter in school and raising a child is quite important. Okay, let's not discount that. Now, what you have to be concerned with is what's called covert incest, or emotional incest. Oftentimes, to a man, his daughter becomes his emotional support person, especially after a divorce. It's quite possible he has that with his daughter, hence why he's pushing things out. He's happy to get girlfriend benefits, wife benefits at girlfriend prices, okay? I didn't quote, this isn't my quote, but someone said, wife benefit at girlfriend prices. So he's happy to have physical intimacy with you, but the fact that he has to, now it's one thing delaying moving in together. That I can understand. But getting serious, well then guess what? My vagina is off limits until you're serious. But then he could blow smoke up your ass and say that. I think he's already shot himself in the foot, but you're gonna be like most women, you'll forge ahead because Jonathan, we have the most amazing chemistry in our lives. Oh my God, it's unlike anything I've ever had. He fills the voids in me. I'm being a little bit dramatic for effect, but I'm here to say because I've heard this over and over and over again. Again, if he lacks intentionality, if he isn't introspective, if he isn't objective, he isn't in a good place, be careful of those guys. That's all I'm saying here. All right, Kimberly, I hope I helped. Come on, let's give some love. Donate to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund. Okay, Bonnie is in the house. What do you do if a man says he's in therapy now, seeing a doctor working on his stuff, wants me to wait around. I say, bless your work on, bless you work on, but do you have to wait or move on? If someone tells you to wait, just say, I'm not waiting for anybody. I'll be out in the dating marketplace, okay? I will not have sex with you. I will not even kiss you, okay? Ladies, you know, I'm here to say, I'm gonna go off on a rant here for a second, but I've been having these thoughts lately about the movie Pretty Woman. Has anyone remembered the movie Pretty Woman? So, Julia Roberts is a sex worker. Richard Gere is a rich, powerful man. He picks her up on the street in Sunset Boulevard, takes her to his place in Beverly Hills, his hotel. And during, right when they're about to have sex, he reaches to kiss her and he says, no mouth kissing. No mouth kissing, she says. It's too personal, it's too intimate. Do you realize now, we've that, we, like, like she'll give sex for a guy, you know, his penis can go inside her vagina, but kissing is too intimate. Do you realize how we've devalued kissing? So, a guy says, I'm not ready, wait, if you're kissing him, if you're having sex with him, he's getting all the wife benefits and he's not even paying girlfriend prices. And I'm here to say whom you kiss should be just as sacred as who you have sex with. Whom you kiss should be as equally sacred as whom you have sex with. That's a very powerful statement. I'm not, look, you don't have to follow my advice, but Jonathan, I'm a free woman, I can do whatever I want, I can be just like a man and have sex whenever I want. Yeah, we men don't get as attached as you women. And I think kissing can be as intimate, if not more intimate than sex. This is my rant, I'm just going, does anyone, okay, what's your thoughts, post a comment on my thoughts about kissing in relationship to, you know, treating it kind of cavalier, just putting it out there. All right, Julie Freckel is in the house. If you were a placeholder now, could you eventually become a girlfriend? A broken clock is right twice a day. So yeah, a broken clock is right twice a day. It's always the exception, it is not the rule. Once you're a placeholder, you know, he's usually, let's come back to our list. He's not in a good place, he's not introspective and committed to growth. He's not intentional, he's not objective. And he's just not that into you. So come back to these five things I just shared and that will answer your question, okay? All right, let's keep going. Sharon's in the house. I've been seeing a man for six months. He's been great, respectful, kind, loving. We have been intentionally dating but a week before Christmas, his father committed suicide, now he's very distant. What do I do? Oh man, that's gotta be a tough one. What do you do? I mean, I guess, you know, all you can be doing is loving and supporting. I mean, you haven't said that he's changed but he's probably going through a lot of emotional chaos in his life right now. He may not be able to give the kind of attention to your relationship. I guess you have to decide or you gotta ask yourself, how established was your relationship up until this point? Because depending on what his actions are, I mean, certainly he's gonna need a little bit of time to grieve, you know, certainly the first couple of weeks or what you said before Christmas. So it's been over a month now but where is he at emotionally? And you can be supportive but I don't think you should have to wait forever for somebody if they're going to use that as an excuse to become distant, you know? I'm gonna be candid with you. You all know I lost a child, okay? I actually, for several years, use that as my excuse to keep distance from someone. I could be into someone and go, oh, you know what? I'm feeling all these emotional effects of my son who passed away, yada, yada, yada. I feel abandoned, blah, blah, blah. You know, so I'm not suggesting that's what he's gonna do, Sharon but I certainly, it's a possibility that he might now use this as a crutch depending on how well established your relationship had become before this circumstance that happened. But I'm sending you off with the big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. By the way, if anyone wants to join the hot seat and look, I'm gonna be candid. I've been a dick, okay? I can be a dick to people on the hot seat. I just wanna own that and look at, you know, to the extent that I'm an expert, I just wanna be clear. I'm saying this out loud to the public. I am simply a man who studies relationships. I observe human behavior and I share my opinion. I am by no means the authority on this stuff. Why do you think I recommend book after book after book after book after book? Because I'm here to inspire and encourage education and I merely share what the direction I've had and I offer perspective based on that. So anyways, I just wanna say that. But I'm putting the link to join the hot seat. If you wanna join the hot seat with me and just remember I can be a dick at times so I'm sorry about that. Ava said, Joe, Jonathan, you can explain it so clearly. You're absolutely right. Wish I found you sooner. Oh, thank you. Oh, Julie says that part where you say, but Jonathan, I know. Well, because I hear your butts all the time, you always have a way to justify your bad behavior. It just fascinates me and I'm guilty of it too. I'm guilty of it too. It's amazing how we can gaslight ourselves as human beings. I wanna say that again, how we can gaslight ourselves as human beings. It fascinates me how we humans can do that to one another. Okay, beach lover is in the house. Question, if you had voids to fill in your life, should you date to fill them or should you heal yourself and complete before dating? You know, I want you to imagine this, beach lover. You met a man. He's not in a good place in his life, but he's dating and he act, he pretends like he's in a good place and he pretends that he's healing and you spend time with him. And then he ends the relationship in three months and he goes and does it again. And he says he's not ready for a relationship but you see him on the dating apps and he does it again and again and again and again. Do you have respect for that man? So my question is, if that's you, if you can't respect him, can you respect yourself for the same behavior? That's all I'm gonna say. Okay, she is in the house. What should I say to my ex who opened up communication again after two months of no contact? I don't wanna lose our relationship over bad communication. Well, then you have to examine what was the reason for the ending a relationship and just recognize that men do what's called the rubber band effect. The minute their dick hasn't been getting wet for a while and the minute they start getting lonely, they go, oh, well, she was a nice piece of ass. And by the way, please forgive me, she I'm being rather crass here. She was a nice piece of ass. Let me reach out to her because she's probably stupid enough to accept me back. Okay, I was intentionally a dick right there, okay? But I'm gonna tell you, that could actually be his subconscious script. He just might not be aware of it because it's subconscious, but that's effectively what he could be doing. He hasn't got his dick wet for a while. He's lonely and he reaches out to you. And you're thinking going, oh, but he loves me. He loves me back. You gotta examine the quality of the relationship you had with him and really ask yourself what improvement is going to be made before his penis ever goes inside your vagina again. You might wanna read the book. Seven principles for making a marriage work. Can you check out the word marriage and say relationship? Read the work by John Gottman. Go to the Gottman Institute. Read, follow their YouTube channel. Follow the Gottman's YouTube channel. That's my recommendation. All right, we've got someone brave in the house and give me a freedom says, I agree, kissing should be more special not to do with every guy you date. I agree. Okay, bear with me. Hey, I wanna give KP some love. Thank you for the $5 super sticker. That means we are $45 away from our goal tonight. So thank you so much. All right. Hey, good art. Hey, can you hear me? Oh yeah, can you hear me or no? Yeah, yeah, you're on. You're on. What's your question? Great. Well, I didn't have a question per se, but I did wanna say a few things. Thanks for letting me back on again. Thanks for the book. I finished it today. Which book? What the heck is self love anyway? Let's give a pitch to everyone. She's talking about my book, What That Could Self Love Anyway, Journey of Personal Development, Self-Open Sportswork, link below. Okay. So I have the paper back, but I listened to it because I do better with that. Okay. Anyway, it was fantastic and thank you. And it also lines up with a lot of teachings that I study, you know, I really appreciate it. Anyway, all right. I don't have a question. Except I could tell you where I'm at in my life now. Okay. Well, first off, since I may use this video, why don't you give everyone the backstory? By the way, a concise backstory, because you know what a dick I can be when you guys ramble and you guys have this, you ladies have this incessant way of just talking gibberish and we have no fucking clue where you're going. And then we're like trying to make sense of it all because it's like noodle soup, you know? So anyway, so give us the backstory. All right, there is no, the backstory is very little. I recently had a home disaster, my house flooded and I'm in a condo association. So in the process of mitigation and whatnot, a maintenance person has come by a couple of times and I'm like, man, he's so nice and so pleasant. Man, those handymen get laid a lot. Okay. I'm just telling you, I mean, I gotta tell you, I'm a coach, I talked to hundreds of women. I would say hundreds of clients a year work with me and I gotta think at least 5% they're doing it with the handyman or contractor. Okay, so keep going. That's all, okay. All right, good info though. He's ex-military, probably not even interested in me. I just think he's really cool. And we only met a couple of times. So I found him online because I have really good sleuth skills and friend requested him and he accepted my friend request and we went on a hike together. And I was like, thanks so much for, you know, putting up with my creepiness because I did look you up and, excuse me. Anyway, I guess my question is, he's been single for a decade or better. Okay. And probably happily single, but we have a lot of stuff in common and I don't want to scare him away but I don't want to lose contact with him. Okay. I keep checking in and being like, hey, like you say, how's your day? Blah, blah, blah. I don't want to do that but I don't have interesting things to say every single day but I do want like his interests and my interests are very similar and he's super pleasant. Okay. So I guess the question is how do you take this from an acquaintance to something romantic? Is that kind of the question? Ish over, yeah, a period of time. Okay. So, okay. Why a period of time? Well, because I'm in no rush and I don't want to scare anyone away. I, plus- How old are you? I'm 40, almost 43. And I've been on here before. I have a couple of teenage daughters. I've rushed to- No, I just wanted to know. I mean, for all I know you were a 60 year old that looks good. So I said, for all I know you're 60 years old and you look really good. That was a compliment. You look really good. Okay, that was the compliment part. Okay. Okay, so here's my belief system. I don't, I believe, you know what? There's no time like the present. Okay, so if you're simply looking to build a friendship with him. Yes. Then simply do things like go for walks or go for hikes together. Go out to coffee together. Go have a meal together. Go to a museum together. Do things, you know, you can offer to take him out. He can offer to take you out, you know? You know, it doesn't have to be, you know, you could simply say it. Would you be interested in a platonic friendship? To spend time with each other. I enjoy your company. You enjoy my company. If you're waiting for the man to do that, you know, you're gonna become a skeleton, you know? Because some men are just shy that way. Some men are uncertain. Some men don't want to make false promises. So if this is something you want, then initiate it. There's no cost to you. Now I know you might be afraid of losing this tiny little sliver of a relationship that you do have. Okay, you have this sliver of a relationship. You're like, oh my God, I have to hold on to this little string and let it just keep going like this. But it just keeps getting thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner. I'm like, fucking just be bold, you know? Be bold, you know? I will. You know, it's because what's the point? No, I appreciate that. I should be upfront. Because that is what I want in the short term is platonic. Well, but now, but if you have a long-term agenda, you know, with this guy, you're like, well, I want him, I want to be friends, but I want him to become the one, then you're gonna create stories in your head that's most likely going to be what's known as unrequited love. Okay, I want you to Google that later, unrequited love. You're gonna create all these fantasies and you've already created fantasies already. You've probably masturbated to them already, you know? Pulled out your vibrator and shit and gone off on him. Hey, I told folks, I'm here to call it the way I see it, okay? So... I've been a fan of yours for a few years. I know that this is not my... Okay, so this is the pen that you pay for being on. So, but my point is, my point is, you know what? Here's the thing. Doing the hard thing, let's face it, it's not easy doing the hard things. But when we do something hard, it's way more rewarding and maybe sometimes we get smacked in the face. In fact, I wrote a quote that's kind of apropos for this. It says, some people come into your life to test you. Some to teach you, some to use you and some to bring out the very best in you. I don't know whose quote that is, I'm gonna repeat that. Some people come into your life to test you, some to teach you, some to use you and some to bring out the very best in you. There's no accident we're having this conversation right now. There's no accident that you were brave enough to put yourself out there at this moment. So why not, you know, you don't have to do it tomorrow but when are you expected to see him again? I don't know, within the next week, I suppose. And in what circumstances will you see him? Probably one of us will say we're gonna go hike and do you wanna join? Okay, now why do you say probably? So you've built enough rapport that this has happened. Well, because the only thing we have in common in this season is we both like to hike. Otherwise, I work from home sometimes and I work in the office sometimes and he is a retired army vet and he's- Wait, you told me we had all these things in common. Now you're saying we only have one thing in common? Well, I'm saying like calendar-wise. Okay, got it, got it, got it. Yeah, personality-wise we have a lot in common. Calendar-wise, you know, the only reason we got- Why don't you just kiss him and take it to the next level? Oh, wait a minute, I said kissing is sacred but it's not like he's a stranger but kiss him on the cheek. Give him a long hug, give him a long hug. Got to about that too. Actually, I thought about him giving me a long hug. But okay. Well, how about you giving him a long hug and then watch him squirm and freak out? And then he'll get a little roused and he'll get a little chubby. All right, my dear, well, did I help? Absolutely, always. Okay, we'll come back next week and let us know how it went, okay? Did I give you a big hug? Yes. Okay, thanks a bunch. All right, so Jonathan's fan has been on and she shared her story. You know, it's interesting. So to wrap up this conversation, she and I just had, I recognize that there is a value into building a bit of familiarity with someone. And it'd be great, you build up that friendship. I mean, kind of Harry Met Sally, so to speak. What I'm concerned about is she probably already has a preconceived idea of what she wants this to turn into. And if that's the case, I would much rather you approach it sooner rather than later because what can happen is, as I said to her, a lot of stories can be made up in her head about him knowing that, not knowing whether or not he's dating other people, whether he's sleeping with someone else. And then all of a sudden it's a more gigantic letdown. And so in that particular case, I'd rather someone act sooner rather than later. That's my suggestion to her. So big hugs for you for being on, thanks a bunch. All right, Rose is in the house. What do you do when you feel like you're not good enough for anyone? You know, I've been in that space of not feeling good enough. I think, you know, the number one emotional health issue for most everybody is I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable and I'm not likable. That's our deep down core. That's one of the most common emotional health wounds we're all faced with. And dating and relationships trigger that like nobody's business. That's why I would recommend reading the book The Hoffman process. The Hoffman process. Do a deep dive into healing your childhood wounds and traumas to help build up your emotional architecture of your life. You know, create, this is the blueprint. You know, now you can build a better house for yourself. This would be my recommendation, Rose, okay? All right, thanks so much for that. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Sandra said, thank you for being so transparent and honest. I was a dick too, a doc too. Okay, not a dick, but I wasn't forthright. Thanks for your great advice. Yeah, I've been sharing. Hey, listen, I'm owning my shit. All right, oh, CB is in the house. A man I know wants a romantic relationship, but I only want a friendship. Should I end the relationship or can men and women be friends only? Well, okay, first off, how would you feel if it's in the reverse? You want a romantic relationship with a man. He's put you in the friend zone and he's just dangling a carrot. You know, look at, you can be upfront. You know, I'd like to be friends, but let me ask you a question. If you meet the love of your life, will this man still be in your life? Just a question I invite you to explore for yourself. Okay? Okay. Leslie says, oh my God, I had the same thought about my maintenance guy this week and I'm telling you about 5% of my clients are doing it with the contractor or handyman. Maybe I should go do that part-time. Great way to get laid. Ah, no, I'm not doing that anymore. Howard Chee says the handyman always knocks twice. That's funny. It's funny and cruel that the men that want us, we don't want and the ones we want are distant. Yeah, it's kind of a fucked up scenario. Nothing sexier than a man with a tool belt. I began it with you all those who remember my relationship with Marie. She had a pink tool belt. I love the fact that she could fix shit. Her father was an upholsterer so she went into the shop with him and she learned how to fix shit. I loved it. I mean, I am completely all thumbs when it comes to stuff like that. I'm grateful. I'm good at the emotional end of the relationship. I guess I'm part-checked. Hey, we just got a new member in the group. You can join my membership by hitting that join button and follow Jonathan and get props like Rosario just did right now. Okay, let's keep going. Oh, holy hell, Jonathan talking about vibrators. You are really deep today. Well, how deep do vibrators go? By the way, who wants to be brave enough to join the hot seat right now? Click that link right there. Hey, listen, we need some more love. How about donating to the Conor Asley Scholarship Fund? All right, let's keep going. Oh, here Barbara's in the house. We haven't seen you in a while. What do you do if you feel you're too good, you're too, wait, too good enough and can't find anyone on your level? So this is just a perception I have. The minute we put ourselves up on a pedestal, that's our ego talking or at least our unhealthy ego talking. And the minute we put someone below our level, that's our ego talking. See, I don't believe in levels. I believe in watermarks. In other words, someone who's aligned to me, but I don't consider myself better than someone else. Okay, I'm just sharing with you from my perspective. I believe all people have value and I do my best to treat everyone with respect, okay? So with that said, I don't necessarily, I no longer, listen, I've had a propensity of putting women up on a pedestal and that's a gigantic mistake, okay? So it's not about finding someone at your level and I invite you to look in too good enough is again, I think that's a little bit of ego talking. I would rather you reframe that too. I have not yet met someone who's aligned to who I am and where I'm at. And someone write that down. I have yet to meet someone who is aligned to who I am and where I'm at in my life, okay? Okay, put that in a box for a second. Because if it's at coming from ego, you're never gonna find someone at your level because you've just literally made yourself and you believe or not, you've created such a high level for yourself on a subconscious level and this is merely my perception that it's a subconscious thing. So I've yet to meet someone aligned. So what I would do is get crystal clear on who you are. There's a saying, know thyself, get crystal clear on who you are and learn how to look for the clues of who is aligned with you, okay? Who's aligned with you and start doing affirmations and intentions. God, universe, spirit. I seek a partner who is aligned to who I am and where I'm at my life where we have amazing chemistry with one another and we have amazing communication skills with one another and we can talk about the tough stuff and go deeper and we can resolve conflicts with ease together and our lifestyles are compatible with one another and we share the same values so we can easily build the deep roots of trust through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together, getting married, God, universe, spirit, I invite that into my life. Set that intention, Barbara. And you might see that someone might magically appear in your life when you shift from levels to alignment. That's my invitation for you, okay? Kitya, did I pronounce that properly? Kitya? Yes. Okay, I'll butcher it again. Hey, what's up? What's you, are you ready for the hot seat? I think so. Okay. So what's your question? I am in a relationship with someone. I met him a month. I met him. Have you had sex yet? Yes. Okay, I just need to get context, so keep going. Yes. I met him about four months ago on a boat on vacation. And, no, no. We texted, I matched his energy, and then at some point he moved it to the phone. And at one point, about two weeks in, saying, I really like you, and I wanna have a relationship with you. I never had a man do that before, so that was really fun. Yay. A lot of what you just said sounds like him. He sounds like he's in alignment, but he's not the best with honoring his phone call times, and so it kind of freaks me out. Okay. I kind of need someone that is more reliable with phone times. If you tell me you're gonna call it to, don't text me, hey, I can't talk. I'll call you in three hours. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Let's jump to that on that for a second. So he says he's gonna call you too, and then he says, hey, I'm tied up. I can't call you for a few hours later. Well, that's at least honoring the commitment of reaching. So obviously something has come up that requires that attention. So is it during the day we're talking about, or at four in the morning? He's a six-hour time difference, so that brings a whole other time thing too. So what, he might be calling. Wait, so when you say you've been dating for a month. In a relationship for a month. Okay, so let's be clear about this, okay? So you met him on a boat, you communicated for four months, and then did he fly out to you, or did you fly out to him? I came out to him. You came out to him, and how much time did you spend with him? A week, and then I'm supposed to be going back in March. Okay. So I ended a few days ago. You ended the relationship a few days ago. Yeah. Okay, so where do you want to take this conversation? So my issue is that my brain goes into freak out mode. When he, you are right. When, if it's like, hey, I'll call you. Do you have another country? Yes. Okay, when you now donned on me six hours, I'm like, wait a minute, my math says, okay, so I'm just curious. I know. What country is he at? Paris. Okay, and where are you? United States. Where in United States? East Coast. Pennsylvania? Okay, so relatively East Coast. Okay. All right, so he's in Paris. You flew out to him, you had a rockin' time. You came back, he wasn't communicating at the level that you would appreciate, and you ended it. Correct. Yeah, so this past Saturday, he acted shady a few times, and I was just like, okay, this is too much. My brain goes straight into... By the way, let's clarify what shady is for everybody. What is shady? So, oh, sorry, God, I gotta remember this. So at first it was, he called me and my headphones picked up, and when my headphones picked up, I didn't get to it, but then I called him back, he didn't answer, and then I texted and I was like, hey, my phone went to the headphones, sorry, can you call me back? And then I call again, he doesn't answer, and my texts never went to read or never went to like it acknowledged on the phone for like two hours. Okay. So you either one, do airplane mode, or two shut off your phone. Or it could be, you've got an internet issues, you've got other stuff that could be happening. So your brain makes up a story of what happened. So either you call it shady, but it's really a story that you made in your head. So then what happened when you guys too did finally communicate with one another? And then what else happened? Oh, then he said he would call me at five at night. And then he never did. So five at night, your time is what time his time? Oh, what? 11? It's probably four in the morning, three in the morning. 11. No, if it's five p.m. your time. Right, six hours ahead. It's a nine hour time difference. Six hours, six hours. Oh, six hours, excuse me, that's right. I'm thinking from Los Angeles, okay. Yeah. He might have fallen asleep. He said, and then I called him at like nine and he was like, oh, well. By the way, can we just let Melanie know? Sure, he's really living in Paris. By the way, I just want to let Melanie know that you actually physically went to him in Paris, so you didn't know where he's at. Okay, so keep going. So he was shady and what was the trigger that ended the relationship? Those two things happened. I like text, it seemed like he shot his phone. Okay, so how did you end the relationship? Was it text? He called at two times at three a.m., which is nine o'clock his time, and then he saw. I'm gonna interrupt for a second. He called you, your headphones picked up. So he, you were telling me? At two o'clock, yes, at two o'clock. So there could have been a glitch that happened, okay? I'm just saying, at least he called you. It wasn't like you called him and then it was shady. He called you and then your phone picked up and maybe he was thinking that you're sleeping with someone else. Just for the record, I just want, he could have been making up his own thoughts. Okay, get to the ending now. So he called at three, I didn't answer my call. He didn't, my phone was on do not disturb. And then he saw that I was on Facebook at four a.m. and he called and I answered it. I just said, like, what the hell were you doing all day? He stood me up and I'm done. I don't want to do this anymore and I hung up the phone. How did he respond to that? I don't know, I uninstalled WhatsApp. So I have no clue what he's done or said. But today on Facebook, he sent a message saying, could you please unblock me from WhatsApp? Okay, so now why don't you ask me the question that caused you to come on? I just, I don't, is this stuff in my head normal? Like, you know, the stories that our head creates of just like every time, like I can't get ahold of him or every time he doesn't answer his phone or every time he calls me. Do you remember when I show this chart of emotional maturity and relationship skills? No, I've never seen that before. I show this all the time. So which category are you in? Fudge if I know. I said fudge if I know. Do you have clinical issues? Are you emotionally healthy or are you dysfunctional? I don't know. Let's ask everyone in the audience. Is she clinical, dysfunctional or healthy? Everyone, what is your, let's do a poll right here. I know my therapist tells me that I should read emotional intelligence and I've not done it in three years. Oh, emotional intimacy. I'm sorry, the emotional intelligence. Yeah, I got it somewhere in the background of me. So, okay, here's the thing. You are normal. You are a normal, red-blooded human being and to make matters worse, you're a female. No, I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Just being kind of, because women are more emotional because you guys have periods of shit like that. All right, I'm being completely intentionally kidding here. Your feelings are very normal. Okay. They're not healthy for you, but they're normal, okay? I suspect you have some childhood wounds and adult traumas in your past that have gone unhealed, that causes you to make up stories in your head and you're not living in a present moment. You're living in a future tense, particularly making up stories or you're living in the past, okay? That's a very common thing human beings do, okay? And because of this, and you chose a long-distance relationship, which means on some spiritual level, you chose a dysfunctional dynamic because it wasn't going to be a regular dynamic. On a spiritual level, you create an opportunity to sabotage something, okay? What I mean by spiritual level, your subconscious, I do believe everything from a spiritual point of view, but I think your subconscious chose a dynamic that allowed you to create a story in your head that allows you to stay stuck. If you truly want to make changes in your life, I invite you to do a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and adult traumas and date in a traditional fashion of meeting someone locally, going out once or twice, building up rapport, not be a telephone because everything over the telephone creates what's known as artificial intimacy, artificial intimacy. It is not real intimacy. Intimacy is built through the experiences you have with a person, genuine intimacy versus virtual intimacy. So it is through multiple different types of experiences of social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends through all of these types of experiences that you build a stronger bond with another human being. But my invitation for you is to go back and work on yourself before you put yourself in an environment because most likely, what's the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. So if we, as a therapist, would look at your past relationship experience to see how that mimics or parents the type of love you received as a child and you would begin to do some healing around that space and also look at your adult relationships and your experiences and why you choose certain things and get to the root of what's going on and this will help you. Oh, there's another great book to learn how to talk to the voices in your head. I can't begin to stress this enough, this book. Yeah, I've always wanted to read that. Okay, here's my instructions. You only read one chapter at a time, one chapter at a time. It's 19 chapters, it'll take you 19 days. This will teach you how to learn to talk to the voices in your head. How do you feel about the advice I've just given you? Good, I guess it's two questions. Are you essentially saying that it's very possible of what I thought happened may not have happened? Absolutely, we all often make up the wrong story than the right story. He did say the day before that this long distance thing was being hard on him and he said, what happens if I was to involve someone else? Okay, I just literally opened the door for you to, I just want to be upfront with everyone listening right now. I just literally opened the door for you to continue to choose this relationship which is going to most likely implode anyway, okay? So, I mean, I'm just being upfront. It is most likely you are making up stories in your head. Now, that doesn't mean your intuition might not be right either, but the same time, you will most likely sabotage this in some way, shape, or form. He's coming out to see you in March? No, I'm coming back. Okay, so is it on your dime or does he pick up any of this cost? Mine, he's currently like doing stuff and he's in between work and stuff, so. Okay, so he's going to come out for you to come out and have sex with him. And by the way, French men are notorious. We're having sex with everybody, so that's just what I've heard. I can't own that one. I've just heard that. Kydia, did I help? Yeah, I think it's helpful about the childhood trauma and it's kind of like what you're saying that you're not saying it, but essentially what you're saying is that until I work through this stuff that I'm going to keep self-sabotaging relationships thinking in my head. Yep. By the way, very common, we human beings are dysfunctional. Can I reach in and give you a big, gigantic, Jonathan Bear hug of appreciation for being on? Thank you. I appreciate it. The what, I guess. You're saying goodbye, but what? Okay, well, I guess my question is, I forget what it is now. Maybe I'm not supposed to ask some. I guess it's good. Go ahead and ask. So what do I do for March? And when I see him, like the hotel is bad. Do you have the ticket? Yeah. Well, I mean, when can you cancel it? I really can't. I would lose all my money. Well, then you're going to end up going anyway. I mean, I'm just going to, I'm just going to predict that you guys will figure it out. You'll play this game. You'll block them for a while. He'll try to get in touch with you. You get back in, you'll see each other, and then you'll repeat this all over again. But guess what? The lessons we learned sometimes are big financial costs too. Yeah. You're treating it as a vacation relationship. That's what happens when you do long distance, especially when it's another country. I mean, the reality of the two of you ever living in the same space is like a hundred to one. Yeah. Yeah, he's graduating college, which he's an older person graduating college. And he's, we talked about him moving here in June, but I pretty much self-sacrifice. Oh my God, this is a 90 day fiance story. What's the TV show? Oh my God, you guys are like 90 day fiance. It cracks me up. No, I'm not doing that. By the way, you played a game by blocking him, by the way. So just so you know, you're just getting back. But you watch on these videos of like walk away and like to me, it was just like he had sex, so I'm walking away. Like I'm just walking away. You had no idea what he did. He may have. I have no idea. Okay, listen, I gotta let you go, okay? Yeah, thank you so much for everything. I appreciate it. Big hugs. Have a great day. You too, thanks. So folks, I just have to say, okay, here's the deal. Obviously she owned, well, I think she's owning her part, or at least I think, I hope she takes my advice and does some deep healing childhood wounds and adult traumas that will most likely continue to sabotage. This is one of the challenges we'd have when we go into long distance dynamics, especially in another country. And there's already some interesting factors here involved. He's got professional issues. He's talking, you're talking about moving here. He's gonna be then dependent upon her, then that's gonna create all kinds of problems. It could be that he's seeking just a green card. If you watch 90 Day Fiancé, watch what happened with, oh God, what was the couple from the Dominic Republic and she lived in New Jersey. Oh my God, that was a shit show. But nonetheless, I hope she heats my advice and does some work on herself. Because again, if you haven't healed your shit, you're just gonna find another dynamic that's going to put you in a situation of unhappiness. And I'm here to promote happiness for everyone instead of sadness. So thanks for that question. I really appreciate it. Thanks so much. Hey folks, did you get value out of this conversation today? If you did, I want you to post a comment below. I'd like to hear all your thoughts. If you found value in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. Also, check out the links in my show notes. Schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Join me on Instagram. Follow my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Check out all the books I recommend. If you'd like to purchase a super stick or super chat, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box for that Amy for him. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. Hit that and you can purchase a super stick or super chat. Okay? All right. Folks, from the bottom of my heart, thank you so much for allowing me to enter in your life. A man will respect and value. When he has these five things, let's repeat that before we wrap up tonight. He's in a good place in his life. Sounds like this guy isn't in a good place that we just heard about. Number two, he's introspective and committed to his own growth. Number three, he is intentional. He clearly knows what he wants. Number four, he's objective. Another meaning, his penis doesn't rule. His penis doesn't rule his actions. And lastly, he's into you from a healthy place versus an emotionally wounded pace where most people are at. Folks, I hope you found value in this. If you did, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic John the Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. A hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Leslie and Cassandra and Sarah and Elena and Beach Lover and Fox and the Garden and Julie and she and Cassandra and Sandy and Amy Fram and Blondie and Marianne and Dee Dee and Evie. Sheryl Ann, oh God, I'm butchering names. She, Fox and the Garden, give me freedom. Riley, Riley, Johica, Suzanne, Power of Chee and also our two guests, big hugs for you for being on tonight. Wishing you a super duper, wonderful, fabulous evening. Be well, bye now.