 It's like doing Christopher Walken impressions you so sick of that that no, I'm not just like there's a lot more To say but I always like if I open with it. I disarm the audience and then I sort of Like give me back my bullets. I don't I just take their sort of ammo away because they get anxious Like when is he doing it? Why do you here's a question for you? I can't imitate anybody like that He's like an iconic figure Is there some level that there would be some part of me that if everybody asked me hey, can you Can you imitate Christopher Walken or can you imitate Barack Obama that it would get annoying because they're asking you not to Be you for a second and it's like that would just be really irritating Well, I brought it to the table and all fairness true I brought it out like here's what I can do ta-da the dance that we do to get attention Yeah, it's like mini narcissists and egomaniacs and before we harness it and to use our powers for good So but that's why they bought the ticket because they like that. So if they like that I can't penalize them Yeah, I just don't want that angst like is he doing impressions because this is he's talking about his mom's Alzheimer and Talking about blowing a kid when he was 10 years old and like this is a long comfortable But he lets us off the hook and we do laugh and then I'm way I just walk in So I could just walk out on stage and just say I did a movie with Christopher Walken and they applaud and then it's Then I can do Tracy. I can do the Chris Farley story. I can do Norm McDonald and but I don't know if you know the secret to that one, you know Jordan is We're really well clicked in for me You know is you have to touch your your lip Because I used to be a smoker, you know But if he touches his lip when he's on I realize all of the stand-up specials if he's a little bit uncomfortable And I'm projecting he touches his lip like he's smoking Interesting so when I started touching my lip it would get got better that was obviously not And a plus version like but you know, like there's a whole run of impressions So if I just put impressions on like bullet points, that's 20 minutes How are you noticing when he's uncomfortable and then he's like that's his tail. That's like a that's almost like a poker thing Oh, he's touching his lip. I just noticed he touches his I don't I'm projecting the uncomfortable Entirely. Yeah, but I noticed the lip gets touched Intermittently and I wasn't doing it and then when I did it I became more nor I'm I became a better impressionist So I don't I don't know if it's cuz he's uncomfortable. It's just projection on my part But you know, it's amazing like every impression has and Kevin Pollock and I spoke about this a lot Every impression has a phrase or a word That you can hang your hat on as lost as you get in the Winchester mystery house Huh, you can always circle back to the front entrance By like Kevin Pollock said Shatner He has to picture a Marion a marionette tall like whoo like that every time he talks It's cuz somebody's pulling the strings. Oh interesting and like with walking. It's yeah The word yeah, and I realized with all my impressions. It's yeah or yes or something affirmative Huh, and I did all of them in a row once at this theater and I was down to the shrine auditorium I go, here's all my impressions in a word I went through all of them and it was all like Tracy Morgan. Yeah Al Pacino. Oh, yeah Yeah, all right, and then like Norm like hey, yeah, yeah So I realized all of them were affirmative and yes, and I don't know if they say even say those in movies No, I don't know very odd To me you've been doing this for a long-ass time He started comedy when you were 16 that seems irresponsible on behalf on the part of many many adults who probably should have known better I like the the idea of many many adults keeping track on my whereabouts is If that was the case, I wouldn't be in show business at all probably so it's like my mom and dad were really passively supportive They never said don't go I would go not on a school night like on a Saturday the first open mic I did ever was Sunday at noon in the basement of this club called rascals in West Orange and it's like hey if you're a teenager between and then they put between the ages of I Remember the ad between the ages of 13 and 18. I'm like a 17. I'm like that is a teenager Well, that's copies like even then I'm like editing like that's got to go now Don't need that and then I went at noon and I did stand up. I didn't drive yet my friend James Barone Who I named the guy in the sketch. Good morning Brooklyn after He drove me and you doing stand-up for other Teenagers doing stand-up for the first time. So what's amazing about comedy and Buddy Hackett told me this The first time you do it. You're using point one percent of what you're able to do if you keep going But still somebody sees something and that point one percent where they go What are you doing Wednesday because there's an open mic and hack and sack and then Wednesday hack and sack You're like at point oh one percent because you suck and somebody goes, you know Saturday nights There's this place in Montclair and then you find your tribe and you realize that's why I never fit anywhere fit in anywhere I was a wrestler which is monastic life Living like just just a jumping rope in the shower trying to lose weight in the state Yeah, I mean there's not what are you gonna talk to like a potted about in history class If you're just going I got a pound and I have to go I know I can make it but what should I just eat that spinach that's in my locker or and this guy I'm wrestling pin me like it's just and so a comic and a wrestler you just keep putting yourself farther out on this island It's like probabilities you got to multiply them and they become smaller right like when you multiply one fourth by one eighth So you multiply wrestler times comic and you end up with this like weird sliver Reclusive personality type. Yeah, and then when you land there you're 100 percent fulfilled with the other one quarter versus one eighth That's that's your aggregate is people that are also way out of the eye It's like the land of like broken toys. Yeah, the island of yeah misfit toys exactly I read gasping for your time. By the way, I used to wear a Dracar noir as well The car noir means you got nice Camaro. Who's the driveway? Hopefully she got a big bush, right? Nobody nobody's perfect. I had I had friends that were African-american and they were like, yo, this is the shit You got to get through a car noir and it never occurred to me that I would wear this and teachers would be like What the hell is that? Because it's never you can ever put on a look like I'm wearing honey morey today because I realize I look like ass It's not good though. I but it's not like in your face. Yeah cologne fascinates me like the idea of I Want people like I can meet people at a party and I've been trying to do this somehow in a bit, but I'm not From for stand-up. I'm a horrible writer. I'm a great this happened Oh, really like you don't think you can write as well as you can just retell a story about something No, because one's the truth and the other one is something I'm trying to construct That's just a funny idea, right? and that's my mistake for the first was not a mistake, but the The fool's errand and I think for most comics comedy now like Louis CK Bill Burr When Cat Williams was like at like just clicking It's the truth like it's the truth what he's saying and So if you're gonna sit down and write material had this epiphany like there's no big break if you have a big break You're in a horrible vocation. You may as Dennis Miller would say you've made a horrible Vocational error somewhere along the line if you have a name tag and steel tip chukka boots You should have like 40 big breaks being born is a big break your great great great great grandparents have to meet and Fuck in another country, right? Another country that's so already statistically you're at negative negative negative numbers So I realized the the big big break for me was about I don't know three years ago I realized my entire show that hasn't been written yet already happened to me. So I got to just Buff the rear view mirror and stop going cologne. Why do we need to be smelled? It's funny though like at a party and then after we leave like it's like you have like this tail Like hey, he was the guy that I met him. He was fucking fascinating He was sharp and my wife had that that matters She he had an epi-pen when my wife got so he saved my wife's life And he smelled my legs, but that cologne was weird. Yeah, like why do we need to smell a certain way? Yeah, it's it is strange But smell does go from it goes directly to the memory part of your brain and I don't mean it goes there physically There's brain science behind this that I'm just blowing right now But it goes to the memory part of your brain so it triggers something and it has less to do with the cologne Right if it smells like your grandma, you might be like that guy was just such a grandfather Lee like figure No He just smelled like your grandma's house where your grandpa lived and so you feel comfortable Whereas another person goes actually he smelled like you know, he reminded me of Something really negative and it's like oh well Sizzling and hot garbage. Yeah, but you know you buried your dog and the kind of flower was nearby And so you felt sad, you know, it's fucking really make that cologne Yeah, if you've ever buried your dog near lilacs. Yes, you want to try dog lack It's daddy. It's all daddy. It's daddy issues daddy and granddaddy and yeah mom and dad Why am I sleeping in pajamas? Because I realized I look a lot more attractive You know home alone if I got the Fred McMurray pajamas with the piping Instead of my jet shorts and a t-shirt that says the more I drank the better you look does it Have like a little unbutton in her in the back so you can go to the bathroom No, that's the Michael Landon and I liked that you brought that up. That's very well done But I've noticed like everybody's like disconnect everybody's like The shaking of the bird cage that's screwing everybody up. It's all tied to Trauma and by trauma. It's any definition like car accident and I don't I would never get into it with somebody I just need them to know like when I say trauma I just that's all I mean because I don't want people to go like well Because I don't want to be back out because they were like raped or something horrible, right? Yeah, and it's it's either father or mother there's two pillars that you know and Rarely it's both because somebody had to be there and then it's it's fascinating like The daddy thing I do this thing on stand and stand up now. It's like when I first was single after the divorce I met this actress by chance at the comedy store and it was like four married couples and you if I said her name you would know her and They go this is so and so and I go hi nice to meet you. You need a daddy and I'm like Why did that just come out of my mouth right and I realized I have I never cheated I lived a monastic life like never cheated never looked the other way ten years and I'm like well, you know What sin bravely and she goes? Can you so I guess I'm we're swearing. Oh, no, I heard the one you guys did one of your many Mondays You guys were all thrown the F word around so possible. Yeah, she goes What the fuck did you just say to me and then I do it now on stage? I go that's where you guys would tap out But I don't back into my park and spot for no reason so I looked at her I go I said missy look at me. Hey look at me missy I said you need a daddy and that girl goes go on Yeah, continue. I was like my aunt you've got wow That's a bell. I can't on ring nothing happened because I just ducked out after that. I'm like People got issues Obviously, yeah, it's mother or father and then getting in your own way Over and over and over so when I realized my stand-up has already happened to me I that's one piece of my Pie chart where I went. Oh, I'm gonna completely get out of my own way and not spend my time going I mean, I really think the fact that there's Like glory holes are funny Like just the idea like in the restroom here at podcast one There's like toilet paper between the crack of the door like somebody really doesn't want you Watching them sitting down and taking a dump, but at the same time. I'm like Or or the parenthetical of that is I don't want another cock coming through this again. Like this is too much Like there has to they're not going to close this up. I got like I use this regularly. I'm sick of seeing sick I have my ear tickled What this thing up that's way funnier than the C word that I used a ear If another guy tussles my hair While I'm trying to grind one out. I've had it So you mentioned that the the truth element of comedy is important for you the the stuff that's already happened So does that mean when you're acting or doing commercials versus doing comedy? Do you feel like that's somehow less truthful? Do you like that less because it's it is constructed it is fake you are eating a burger Spinning it out into a bucket and then taking another bite of another burger and being like Carl's jr. And then spinning that out and doing it again because it's not quite right I mean do you it's a california burger you're referring to california burger. Yeah two patties grilled onions special sauce and I've forgotten the copy speaking of glory holds special sauce on the california burger Yeah, languishing boulevard. There's an adult bookstore where they make the secret sauce Not for Carl's jr. Because they're fantastic for the other groups. Um, I like it more selfishly because it's so much more money Like if you do a sitcom and you like gary and married if I have to be gary Everything i'm saying is made up by a group of writers that I haven't met until then but when acting's good is Is it cagney jimmy cagney Hit your mark look the other fellow in the eye and tell the truth So you just have to in that moment you are telling the truth or it doesn't work and so I think that's I mean any actor I think and I'm not putting myself in anybody's category. I'm Way and this isn't like what was me shit like I'm pretty well aware of the show business middle class and What neighborhood I'm like I'm not baltic on the monopoly board. I'm around like verne verner Verne verne. What are the purple ones? Yeah, like I'm all right Like yeah, I you make one right turn like I'm right around there another right turn You're looking at like, you know, you're a like Baldwin martin shorts and then the other right turn You're looking at guys with sir Before their names, but you got to tell the truth when you act I think and when you do a commercial You just in that moment have to be a great liar But so great of a liar that you're not lying Like I'm gary. This is my kid and this is my family and I don't want my daughter to take Chinese I wanted to be able to take a boxing and then the punchline is when I win the argument to Wow, the punchline was Sayonara Chinese to the wife like proving what an idiot I am Which is truthful So, um, yeah, I think it all has to be the truth I don't know what endeavor you can do great law. Well, negotiating is a lie Yeah, yeah subjective sort of in the moment based on a project of which is truthful and then you what you add Is the boundaries are still truthful in negotiation because you can't say we'll do this and then it's like crap We literally can't do that. That's that's contrary to the point of negotiation, right? It's always bordered by the truth, which is I think where a lot of lawyers go wrong I used to be one so I understand like it's really tempting to To stretch things, but you can't you're not supposed to and it doesn't work in the end I think if I was a lawyer, nobody would ever go to jail If I was a defense lawyer, you're a defense lawyer You know that like I'm playing into like john ronson's the psychopath test like I'm that's a psychopathic thing to say Maybe it's only really psycho if you do it though when you realize one juror That's all I got to get and I could just stand there and go cell phone towers. I just I Have you ever seen a cell phone tower? Yeah, because I I don't you know where they come cell phone towers. They cover now with like They don't even do like a full job. They just cover them with a few shrubs Right the fake tree. So why are they trying to hide cell phone towers? Why are they hidden? So this whole thing he's gonna go to jail for 40 years because of a cell phone tower that they hide from you Just figure by about that one guy the tin foil hat guy. That's it. Yeah And then like they're in the room going yeah, but the thing about the cell phone towers And you just hope there's not one guy in the jury room going that's not why we're here Yeah, right. Yeah, you just have you got alex jones and the jury. Oh my god edit that name out. Yeah, I know Yeah, yeah, tell me about it How dare you say scuru agnew When you're looking at different audiences when you're doing comedy or or anything live for that matter How do you read and adjust to the audience? Yeah, how do you handle because you got to be looking at one crowd at one point and going Uh-oh, these people aren't in the mood or they don't look like they're going to be in the mood for this or this crowd Looks like they're going to be fun. Let me try this this thing Is that is it based on the crowd or do you go up there and do whatever you're going to do? Regardless of whatever you see when you stand on stage you strike me as the guy that's tried stand up I haven't at all really no The idea of adjusting like this crowd looks like they want to have they're at a comedy club So they all want to have fun. I guess that's true. Yeah, and the job of comedy like I could talk about comedy like Well, maybe not as accurately but as Stephen Hawking talks about like space like I could never I would just keep going so They're there nobody sees a comic hoping they do poorly It's uncomfortable and they give you the benefit of the doubt the benefit of the doubt to give you the mercy like Like what's he doing? So No, I don't uh do that with the crowd um What I will do is I I can recognize really early if everyone is there to see me Or if everyone's there and there's a bunch of people there to see me too And that's the only like when you take a golf cart down a hill to go fast And it doesn't because there's that governor on the engine. Yeah, that's the governor on the engine is Oh, they're just at a show and they don't realize There's no show here like I'm talking about really uncomfortable things But the people that have vetted themselves in the last three years of my audience They are brave and trusting and I take them down Weird neighborhood I they go deep into the woods with me with the faith That there's gonna be a ripcord of hilarity. Sometimes there's not But I realized sincerity will trump I was gonna talk about my mom having Alzheimer's my dad didn't tell us He said she's getting forgetful and she came to visit me last april I opened the door to my house Very la i'm like i'm not gonna pick her up. I'll send a car service So I sent sal from aloha limousine. You're all set I opened the door and she goes is my car in the driveway I said no mommy and she goes. Why isn't my car in the driveway? Who's truck is that? That's my truck Where's my car? And I said probably at your house and she goes. How did I get here? Why isn't my car in the driveway? That's the first thing my mom said to me. Yeah, you must have been terrified at that point. I was heartbroken not I don't have different discussion fears not You don't have the fear thing. I I never had it's very divisive When you don't have fear and you don't have doubt. It's like a snow plow out in the real world But I didn't have fear. I like My father never told us this He downplayed it and my mom as I know her the woman of our dreams wants to know is there an upstairs to this building and then my son walks mine She goes virginia my sister's name and I went oh no Four days I stayed awake and I was eyeball to eyeball with my mom. I know more about Alzheimer's I'm guessing obviously then like okay I finished my first year of my medical school where I specialized and all because that's all textbook sure I had one patient. It was my mom and it was also my daughter and I never Unlocked eyes. I knew her tells I knew when she was making something up because she was embarrassed I knew went like she didn't sundown. It was down Like she like I put a note on the door. It's tuesday. You're at JJ's house in california You're safe call john Or it's in the afternoon. You already spoke to john. You're safe. You're at JJ's house in california He's in the living room like it got don't and do not go on the stairs there And I realized that'll make somebody go up the stairs. Sure. They're wet Was what I realized right because you don't want her to fall. Yeah, but they weren't wet I just realized nobody wants to go on wet stairs. Yeah, so and then um Like I wanted to talk about that on stage and there was a story in my book No wonder my parents drank about my 14 year old son and I renting a kayak. He didn't want to do it So I'm like great. He's like I'm raising my dad like an apathetic guy that doesn't want to hang out with me Yeah, and then I realized he doesn't know what kayak is or rental conceptually what I could have said you want a boat You wouldn't want yeah So there's a whole bit about that and I realized and when I said to my wife I go this kayak story isn't working because I'm saying it happened to mackey. It didn't happen to mackey It happened to jackson, but if I speak about jackson I have to tell the audience why he does not live with us Uh without throwing his mother under the bus because that's not fair And then I have to talk about my mom's visit when I realized she had Alzheimer's And she goes well, how are you gonna make all that funny and I went I know Like I was like, yeah, that's tricky. That's a tricky one, but it's that's the joy That's the joy and then I got to like eight minutes left in the set and I'd not start I wanted to like do the Alzheimer's mixed in I do this whole thing about having boys. I wish I had a girl I love the drama They you know They can god they know who's stealing cable. They know who's sneaking cigarettes after dinner They're like he's having an affair and his wife and he farts what he pees nobody likes them Like they know everything about your neighborhood and then I was gonna tie it to My mom asking me to read I was reading my son herald in the purple crayon And I was gonna talk she goes would you read that to me when you're done with him daddy my mom said this to me And instead of bursting into fucking tears I said Of course genie And then I went downstairs and I read I actually had to read herald in the purple crayon to my mom Before I went out to do a show which I was late for for great reason and uh So the whole thing was all I had in my mind was that the kayak story and that and I've always wanted a daughter. I didn't know it was going to be my mom And then if I put that in the middle of this hour and a half two hours I can I can just regenerate this engine and get going, but I have shared something I did it like four minutes left. I go. Oh, I didn't even bring this up I just smushed the entire thing I told you at the end And I learned something invaluable that night I'm like this isn't getting a laugh and I've kind of bummed everybody out. Is it getting a laugh? Yeah, no, there's no laugh. No, it's horrible. And I said, uh, so That's what happened to me Right before you saw me walk on stage and you applauded So I wanted to tell and it was all truth truth I'm a lot happier to see you than you know And just thanks for coming out and I just like got out of their seats and I'm like, oh my god Sincerity is so powerful. Yeah, of course. There's no job Yeah, even with the absence of the laugh like you said George carlin closes one of his specials and if they're like, how will the earth get rid of us? And it's basically aids Like, well, it seems susceptible to viruses and if they do when they procreate so they'll be reluctant to procreate and this and that and It's a dream and we're here for a little while. Anyway, thank you like holy smokes So everyone leaves kind of like looking at each other and clapping and then realizing that it's More profound than ever. I don't know. I can't speak profound for me for him. I would hope so but for me it was more It's sharing There's no show And if something doesn't work that happened to you You just move on to the next story because you you hand delivered a story like we used to ghost ride our bikes through this mental hospital that got uh Shut down ghost ride your bikes when you hop off the back of your bike And you just watch it go straight with nobody on it and then it goes into traffic and gets run over and you think it's funny That's terrible. Yeah, but it's people listening right now. We're like, oh my god Like we do it off the roof of the house You're most prized possession is your BMX bike. Sure. Sure. And you leave it on the front lawn in the next morning There'd be frost on it. You go, okay, didn't get stolen good Yeah, there's rust on it and you just ghost ride it and we'd skid through the hallways of this abandoned mental hospital and I realized There was a time where I went like, you know And I turned the corner and so I get the two girls from the shining were black In the same time they I turned the corner. They're there. I could I could see them pink dresses white polka dots pink bows in their hair We live in a crazy house, but we ain't crazy They said at the exact same time and I rode my bike down three flights First time I realized you can actually take a bike downstairs. It's kind of cool, right three flights And out the back towards the railroad tracks Which had been pulled up years ago to go back to the back end of my dead end street So down three flights of stairs out the back down the lawn and I looked back behind me Which means they had to go three flights in that time and get to a window and they're looking down I mean, we live in a crazy house. We ain't crazy. I still don't know if they're real No, I would have seen that they're not I had to stop saying it on stage because I didn't want that energy If they weren't real So I just if that didn't work on stage, I just go You know the bike when you're on your bike, I just move you just move on It's not like get a laugh whack a mole whack a mole It's bill evans piano on kind of blue. It's the pauses. It's how little you play You mentioned that you didn't have the fear thing Are you talking about in general or just with respect to that topic because in gasping for airtime in the book You mentioned that you had panic attacks that you had to deal with on saturday night live That sounds like fear. Was that something else? Yeah, I'm glad you said that man Panic is a neurological glitch your body releases endorphins and Adrenaline into your bloodstream At lifesaving levels for no reason That's the glitch. So it is different from fear fear stimulus response Modern fear now Is the absolute cause of every argument Everything that you don't do every life everything you've settled the life less lived fear fear fear fear that guy beeping at you That's making you crazy. Like what the fuck's with this guy fear. He's terrified of something But panic is a neurological glitch Where you have no control over it. So the fear that develops from having a panic disorder Is the anticipatory dread of where I might have a panic attack but that is That's not the fear that I'm I'm talking about. I'm I'm talking about like hey, you're next to go on state You're gonna meet the pope. I haven't yeah But are you like, oh my god like I'm crap Like yes, like I I can't where fear goes is where I can't I can't wait goes And if it's a negative like the dentist has to rip out 16 teeth I'm like, yeah, let's get this over with man. Forget it. Like let's go. Let's do it Flying like I've been on planes that have been struck by lightning three times and I just It's either is or isn't I had a Entirely divine experience on this one particular plane. That's maybe a little too long for this podcast, but Then the next time I was on a plane that got struck by lightning I thought it was kind of adorable because it was once and I knew we were gonna be okay. So no, I've never Going on stage fear. No. Well, I got afraid Before I did April foolishness for kevin and bean one year And I looked at my buddy charlie. I said I'm like fucking afraid And he goes what yeah, what are you talking about? And I realized after the fact there was so much pot smoke That the symptom of panic is shortness of breath and the pot smoke made me have a stuffy nose And you're talking to all these people that you're meeting backstage So you're not breathing properly and I got shortness of breath And that made me start to get that rumble Of uh, oh and had nothing to do with the show. So you just basically physiologically tricked your body into having a panic attack or no You have the best. I love your podcast. I subscribe. It's always in front of me I've tweeted at you about like the narcissistic continuum and uh everything you do quick that guy was fascinating Oh jim quick. There's no way that's his real name. It is. It's Japanese, right? I that's a great question I'm not sure. Hey, it's like somebody in my family. I'll tell you one thing. He ain't white. Okay Yeah, we can ask him. I'll tell him. Yes He was brilliant like uh the story about him and the uh the friend's dad Right the friend's dad who took him for a walk like what do you want to do? What do you want to do? Why would you let school get in the way of this? I was like wow So the fear the panic you get symptoms of panic And it takes a while to train yourself These are symptoms of panic if you stay up 24 hours because you're working so hard Then all of a sudden your spatial relations are really out of whack And you start getting that nervousness Because that's one of the symptoms of panic and you just slow it down and identify Oh, I was up for 24 hours. I'm seeing stars and um I have a stuffy nose. These are symptoms of panic I have colon up and in my bloodstream One milligram a day every day. So it's actually impossible for me to have a panic attack, right? So you can logic yourself back down to and then you don't have to anymore Then then yes, and then you don't then you don't have to anymore because you just it's it's just Yeah, when you drive your car and back out of your driveway like today you didn't go okay 10 and 2 Hand on this foot on the brake Look over my because that's how you learn to drive right so now it just becomes this Yeah, it's become this one thing and not these 44 steps It just seems like such a strange and uh, maybe unfortunate Set up that you you're on saturday night live. You're in front of I don't know millions anyway of people That's the worst time other than when you're operating heavy machinery that you could have a panic attack Oh, no, I I I put it way above heavy machinery because heavy machinery you could take out the guy you've never liked Yeah, right, right if i'm freaking out by jerry Uh, yeah, that was bad and you really did read the book and i'm thank you it's Martin Lawrence was hosting And there was a Motivated sort of a motive. Yeah, no it was a motivational speaker sketch in a band down by the river But it was in jail and they tied it to a scared straight Uh, right program. Sure where they came out to scare us And it was brilliant and I got in it and I was like I can't believe I'm in this sketch with a sentence And it's chris like being around chris was Like having a yeah chris farley. It's like having the son on your back Like it was just the he was the most beautiful man I ever met ever It's like my grandfather my my paternal my uh maternal grandfather read morris ferguson and chris are the two people That that's they have they have eternal life. They're never going anywhere. I'm getting choked up talking about him and so I remember i'm so excited to be in the sketch Stuffing those angst because of the sketch and like I don't I'm so new i'm so lost on this show and I go to my dressing room to put my wardrobe on and they gave me these like hipster jeans This is 1992 wow 1992 and there was no pockets Because I used to take those colognopin pills and put them in that little tiny pocket above your right pocket That's the colognopin pocket right the pocket that's not good for anything else But yeah and few handcuff keys and any officers of the law and anybody out there listening uh when you pat people down Just check the little pocket. I'm pretty sure they know about that way. No, they don't I know from experience They do not He tsa doesn't either uh There is it So I'm like, where am I going to put my colognopin? What the anticipatory dread? What if I have a panic attack on live tv? So I got four or five of them and I held them in my hand Because there's no place else to put them And during that sketch like I'm you know, I'm getting all sweaty You're under the lights and you're a little nervous And my hands are getting sweaty and I had to hold these pills in my hand In a way where there was enough cracks and space between my fingers But it but they wouldn't fall on the floor and on front of millions of people like oh my god That guy's a drug addict. He's bringing pills But I also couldn't hold them too tightly because they'd get wet and dissolve Oh, man, and I was trying to do like what a magician does like palm it with my thumb You know like pin three of them, but then that's getting them wet and then the sketch was over That's all you thought about the whole time. I was never there But when chris came through the doors in rehearsal, you know, it gets rehearsed about four times He's wearing a prison gray shirt And uh, there's always something there's always something he's gonna come out with That's gonna knock you on your ass in the best possible way and between dress rehearsal and air and when it was live he came out He was just soaking wet It was never it was just a prisoner in an outfit and then then he comes out He's like dripping wet from his hair. He's got the most giant pit stains of water He's got water. It's like he just took a bucket And he's just drenched like the crack of his ass has wet and his crotch is wet like that's how bad he sweats in jail And the moment he comes through the door You're powerless. You are power like the sun you can't stare at it And uh, there is a mistake in that sketch where they're selling us back and forth for cigarettes martin Lawrence and chris and he goes well, I will sell your uh Punk ass for a packet of cigarettes and he chris wants to speak so the the exchange is like the conch on the island is two cigarettes And then chris takes the two Gives the two cigarettes goes to the mic and he's supposed to say sold seven bitches to the homie in the corn rows And he goes sold seven bitches to the corn me in the home row. Oops Just oops into camera before he finishes the sentence And it's badlum and we had worked out when we go through the breakaway wall and we all fall on top of chris Let's all stay on top of chris so he can't come back out and say live from new york It's saturday night Seven tim meadows me sandler spade schneider granted to have those guys weigh 85 pounds But he picked us up like leaf bags in your front yard and just removed us Because he had to deliver He's the most fascinating man on earth He would know when the camera wasn't on him and he would cross his eyes while he was talking to you So it's like a two-shot two-shot and he would know when the camera was over his shoulder. Go. How about you young With these big cross out and you're laughing And then between dress and air lauren would go and can we please not laugh in the motivational speaker sketch j Like I won't sure My wig is sliding down the side of my head because they tussled my hair And I don't know whether or not it could it's you know what it is. It's it's madness It's it's the space shuttle reentering. We see a fireball, right? Like panels and shit are flying off and the guys in the inside are going all right houston looks like we're uh 14 minutes from the Indian Ocean Like that's what it's like that that fireball but somewhere in there. There's a calm because you realize what's happening is right Did you always feel like you belong there? Well, let me rephrase that I know that that's not the case because in gasping for airtime You mentioned something that we hear about a lot from everyone from navy seals to Other high performers, which is that you you felt like you didn't belong there. Who am I kidding? They're going to find out I'm not the real deal. It's only matter of time. We call it imposter syndrome. That was a great episode by the way Thank you And um, you've had a bunch of navy seals on You may well talk to your spy your spy slash 1,000 seal missions Uh, he was on he was on the more stories podcast. I go. So what's your job title to pete? He goes I fill gaps And then I go all right half hour later. I go so real quick like what's your actual job title? He goes I work in a frenetic space A frenetic space. I'm like, all right Because I watch the people that watch us I go that sounds like a comic book thing. I go. What's the longest you've ever watched a guy? I will get to your question obviously and he goes I had to keep an eye on this afghan Uh chief for four days because he was like behind this row of bushes It was about a thousand yards from our forward operating base And then eventually I just went up and spoke with him. I go and did you after four days? What if you just realized he's just jerking off? And he goes that has happened Really? Oh pizza amazing Uh, so I'm being too blue. I think for this. I I respect it. I this is my favorite podcast Really? I would never like yeah when I discovered you guys And when my gal came in with narcissists, uh, narcissists continuum I went to carol. Yeah, she's in my home You can always tell who the enabler is in the relationship. They're the ones in the self-help aisle in the bookstore And I just looked up at my bookshelf and I went oh deos mu And then we get better and then the narcissist marginalizes further further away or they turn it but So, uh, I did not belong there the odds of you belonging there are zero because they only hire two people Who belongs as a navy seal like what they put you through so Navy seal there's an actual test and test and test and they try to break you and I didn't break I belong here So I'm surprised that the navy seals say I didn't feel like I belonged Because they did what every other navy seal before them did to belong Saturday night live I did stand-up comedy twice For 11 minutes 15 minutes at a time And then I just got the job, but I was also a writer And I never wrote a sketch in my life So I never felt I belonged because how could I I have no discernible skill as a sketch writer I've never done sketch comedy before in my life I don't know where anything is when I write a sketch. I'll need a pencil and paper Where were they should I go to the store and get those myself? Like no everything it's like conversations on the freeway. No you you want to just everything You know like just nobody it's the office that sat in our life. Yeah, and it wasn't malevolent There wasn't like this back stabbing cutthroat just everyone's surviving and they will help you eventually if you meet the person that helps you But like everyone's on computers. I'm writing it out long hand. Where do I hand this in? Oh, you gotta give it to claire Oh, thanks. Who's claire? Yeah, it's running the entire 17th floor and it's three in the morning if she's still here Oh, no, no, she'll be in tomorrow. What time what and they're gone. Oh, god. So I knew I belonged Once I was in the door. I just knew I needed somebody to go Oh, when you're right, like do I put phil hartman or do I put dad? Like I didn't know that if you write a sketch like motivational speaker dad speaks to his kids son Uh, david spade daughter christine applegate Matt foley Do I put chris? Do I put phil? Do I put do I put all like I didn't know any of it? How long is this because I've never like read one aloud so but once I was there I read the reeves biography of uh, jfk And like he when he first ran for senate. He just looked at bobby and goes I just refused to wait my turn And I went wow Yeah, like there's this pecking order and especially stand up like why'd he get that? Why is he on the tonight show? He's he I've been doing it so long. Well, maybe you suck Oh, maybe that guy had the balls to jump to the front of the line because sometimes if you just You go to the front that's give a hotel and go you'll take uh You take my wi-fi off for me and they go why and you go I just because I asked they go sure sometimes. Yeah, yeah, sure half 50 50 10 percent You're not really gonna charge me for parking. Are you like no, I'll take that off. Yeah Yeah, uh and delete and no consequences. What so I just knew there was a process where you have to be the bailiff with no lines for a year second year You get a bunch of a couple sketches that you wrote, you know, christopher walk-in psychic friends network. Good morning, brooklyn some update pieces and Then the third fourth year, but I'm I wasn't willing To do it because it was hurting me It was hurting my I was leaking oil and I think any performer And any athlete that you're graded you must have this In your on a cellular level, you must know when you're being lapped on the racetrack You have to know it Otherwise you suck in perpetuity. So when I'm sitting there and I'm the bailiff Or if I yell all rise and that's what I did that week On the show that was my contribution a comic who I think is what I have always thought highly of myself Uh That's what I did on seven eight live that becomes embarrassing And I know I'm lucky to be there But I also know there's a guy that wrote his own pilot and he's in la And he's gonna shoot that pilot for 25 000 and if he gets picked up he's gonna make 50 a week and perfect so I wasn't I'm being lapped. I gotta go So the new they made the decision easy for me because after my second year They wanted two weeks to decide whether or not they were gonna pick me up for a third year Then they asked for another two weeks then when they asked for the third two weeks My agent said My experience people know if they want to work with you or not and I went well, then I'm I'm all set. Yeah Lauren said to us once He didn't he wasn't happy with us. I I love lauren. He said I want him So I have no bad lauren stories. He said uh If you don't like the way it is You could always there's the door You could be the third lead on a sitcom next week and I remember going. Oh my god. That's awesome. What am I doing here? Yeah Do I want to be the great snl guy for seven grand a week or do I want to go out to la and just change a change So after I left Saturday night live Two weeks later. I'm on the jeff foxworthy show as his kooky brother He was right. Yeah, there's the door You could be the third lead on a sitcom so I I knew I belonged. I also knew this is not how you drive this car And I knew the no wrong lever. No like I like the expression don't spook the thoroughbred But you got to let me run. Yeah, I'm getting spook sitting around It's very it was very surprising to me to read in gasping for airtime that you suffered from stage fright as a performer Especially in Saturday on Saturday night life. It's the worst place to have any kind of stage fright And it just seems so counterintuitive and your vulnerability in there is very admirable And almost surprising. In fact, you tell a story And forgive me for bringing this up. I'm sure it's not your favorite story It's in the book You stole right in the library of congress and I was speaking this as you were talking by the way What you're about to say I'm about to say you're gonna talk about rick Shapiro I don't I was bartender Oh, yeah, I was bartender. I knew what you were gonna say when you started this. Well, we're the only ones here. Yeah, so yeah Incorrect me if I'm I'm wrong here, but uh You I guess you stole an act for a sketch from somebody that you'd seen it before yeah, and then snl gets sued How do you shake having a reputation as a I haven't a thief of material? I haven't you haven't I haven't and I was being honest There was an apology written in a best-selling book. I thought yeah, but let's not shit each other I in the moment go. Oh, wow. Like I'll be lauded if I cop to this I'm gonna yeah. Well. Yeah, like if you're because nobody ever does well if you're a narcissist like There's a big difference as you pointed out in the artichoke podcast, which well, sorry I've been recording a lot. I realize I am on it It's not mine. It's yours on your podcast You guys really do a great job of differentiating and separating Being a narcissist and having a the disorder Of narcissism and narcissistic the narcissistic continuum narcissistic personality disorder You have to have narcissism to get straight a's you have to have narcissism because you want to be a You want to please them so much That you're going to work overtime so Like for me like I'm in uh I'm in uh AA right and when I go through my steps and I realize my resentments and stuff It all comes back to ego. It all comes back to me Like, why aren't you looking at me the right way? How could somebody talks as much as me feel like they're not being heard marriage job job job relationship? Like it's it doesn't make sense. No, but that's in my childhood I wasn't because I was a child of an alcoholic parent my sister's rate nine years older than me There was nobody hanging around with so if I wanted attention I had to like Jump my bike like evil can evil over 18 fucking school bosses and learn some show tunes sing out louise to get everybody to look my way so the What you have to understand this jordan If I wrong you somehow and I come to you as soon as I can and go I gotta tell you something That was that was horrible what I did to you and I'm sorry and I just You are gonna say to me. I appreciate you telling me that no I'm being filled now with pleasure Because I'm being you know validated in a perverse way in a very subversive way You're telling me great job But it's because I did something awful Like bro. He just you know you whatever like you were a little handsy with my bride. I go, you know what? I was really like manic. I thought it was being funny. I'm sorry. I'm really that actually happened Uh, but hold on one second. Okay on the era advice at my council. I cannot confirm or deny or answer that question. No You better not be answering seriously Monastic life never why do I keep hitting Bert's nose? I don't know. I'm gonna move her back a little bit Who's your favorite Muppet? Oh, great question actually It's very telling the answer, you know Everyone's it's like you're supposed to say animal. No, no No, you're not but and I thought somebody say prawn Who's that? Well, I'm gonna I'm gonna say it's a prawn That one little shrimp I would have said animal up until just now now I feel like that's just a thing I was felt like I was supposed to say fear Why are you second guessing who you're like let's I'm trying to think of other Muppets though. Why? Why on an elemental level? Why are you renegotiating who your favorite Muppet is Fear like we're talking about fear every day fear. I know you're I think I just try more interested in being honest Rather than giving an answer that I think people expect Which is animal who's your favorite Muppet like who is it? I don't know all the I don't know who they are All of these I'm not dodging this stealing question. I'll circle back. No, no It is it does all track if you see me do stand up for two hours. You're like, what uh, who are The any Jim Henson person that the Muppet show That could be the Muppet show that could be Sesame Street. Let's come back like a Bunsen beaker the science guys, but they never said anything Professor Bunsen honeydew was Reggie Watts's answer That's the those are the science guys. They never saw a guy. No, he talks all the time He's got to give beaker instructions, but he has glasses with no eyes Scooter has glasses with eyes in them Is this do you know this because you have kids or do you just remember this? I remember it and you know peripherally. I guess with kids too Do you like fozzy because he's a stand-up? I would I would slit his throat If we're on a lifeboat and we are getting a little low on water I'd go I want to you fish see what you can catch and I would hold his head under water Until the as John Lee Hooker says to the bubble stop coming up I I do like Kermit. I know it's a lame answer, but I like Kermit Because he's the lead role both of your answers you negotiated backwards. Yeah, I negotiated backwards from what you like This is what um like because I want to pick the best choice But it's your choice I like fucking Rolf the piano playing dog because he wasn't used as much and his fur looked really soft And I needed a hug as a kid. I'm like, he's probably like really huggable. But then I realized it's Burt I love Burt and on your iphone is Burt He's never having a good time. It's hilarious. He's cranky. He's like a cranky But he doesn't start that way like Ernie. Look at this, you know, I did this and that and then Ernie goes I can't hear you. I got a banana in my ear. He goes. No, I that's that's what I also want to tell you You got a banana in your ear. It goes. Sorry Burt like we won the lottery. You can't hear you get a banana in my ear And it's the slow burn. That's right. I forgot about and on your iphone. There are way Too many and not enough Burt memes where they do like a CSI in Miami like Sesame Street actually did slope hands Towards him. He's reading a book. He looks up like he read something offensive He's got a dead arm. He's lifting a weight and he falls over like there's I encourage all your listeners Next time they're sitting down on a toilet To just type in Burt under those memes and hopefully there's some toilet paper in the crack there So nobody can spy on you. So rick Shapiro was a comic and he is still and he's a Genius Such a genius. There's like a danger to him when you watch him. There's an uncomfortability His mind is The next level of mind that has not been hornest yet. He's brilliant And he had this sketch of this biddy did about an irish bartender. Oh, you like starries. Do you? Here's a star right? You're fired to get out and say well, I don't work here. All right Well, how'd you like a job that pays five million dollars a week? Yeah. All right now you're fired And it was like two months where I had my second season. I had nothing Get on the air and I went this is bad So I wrote that as a sketch which is The sin There's nothing murder rape mayhem Pestulence Just stealing is it. I still have people hashtag me from You know fan bases from like other podcasts like men's men see him more like who'd you steal that from? And uh, it takes a very long time to realize social media is a bathroom stall and people are just writing shit on it Of course So I put it on paper Because the odds of that going through because everything I wrote didn't go through I see mike mayer's write things every week that don't get through that week. It was the golden ticket It was just had a halo around it and it just kept advancing and advancing and advancing and i'm going I'm well aware of the cosmic joke that this is just moving forward Right like you're scared now that it's actually going to get picked even though you wrote it because you Right and I wrote it poorly because rick Shapiro is a genius like I wrote it kind of sloppily And it got picked to go on the air, but it can still get cut in dress It can still get cut in the second dress for her the live dress Nope, so for the first time in your career, you're like, please cut this one. Yes. Get rid of it I made a mistake and the chapter prior I believe ends with I did the most unthinkable thing I the worst act I the worst crime to sin I stole And I went if I'm gonna write this book I'm gonna write all of it and The narcissist and the ego goes he's gonna get a lot of credit like, you know, he was really honest We're talking about it now Was it part that was it was there a part of you that's just doing the m&m Eight mile thing where you're like, let me take all the bullets out of the other guy's gun first Remember that scene where he's doing the rat battle and he's like you banged my girlfriend And I went to a shitty school and I'm an idiot and I make spelling mistakes And I barfed all over myself and then the other guy goes up and he's like Shit, I got nothing to say now Because that was all my ammo. How's that track though? Help me? I actually don't remember it was just in the movie eight mile. How's it tracked to me? Oh, how does it track to so you wrote about this in the book? Because in my hypothesis here was maybe well, I have to put this in there Otherwise all the reviews are going to be well He left out the part about when he stole that act from that nobody ever would have known Non-disclosure is all around Really nobody ever would have known non-disclosure. Rick Shapiro knew Yeah, and that would have been word of mouth A part of the country that I never would have heard about And so no it was it was just gonna be inside baseball and then you just blasted it out to everybody He's on the team. He's on the it happened. He I launched a fucking three-run home run I knew what the pitch was like it's it's a part of it It's the history of what it was and if I was gonna be honest I had to be honest and it's when I discovered while writing the book. I'm the villain I'm the guy that I'm the I'm the monkey wrench Farley's the hero Um, and I'm the villain did it affect your career though. No, it affected my heart. It affected my My heart that's worse because when people reach out and they go like Like well, yeah, but he fucking like I did marines podcast and he just kept pinning me against this wall Like but you steal like, you know, I've known mark my whole life And he fucking knows I don't if you come see my stand-up It's impossible That a syllable is lifted because like my mom's Alzheimer's my son's name is Meredith, right? It's all about you. Yeah My son's name is Meredith. Is that really my father-in-law is a Meredith means lord of the sea in scotland didn't know that I had you want to know, you know, that's what happens on stage too. It's interesting So like the idea that I steal if you come see a show pick a night It's laughable. I stole And I admitted to it thinking, you know what that'll be a nice like we'll put this to bed but Not in today's age of instagram snapchat now Minute minute rice in a fucking microwave like now now now like there's too many bees in the hive and they don't do Shit Some thugs and they just want to remind you that you ain't shit But you are because that's why they're reaching out to you Sure But at some point you got to go Greg proofs told me if you look up anything about you on the internet You are and deserve to receive whatever is written about you. That's funny. He's coming out tomorrow actually He's the smartest man in the world. That's what that's what it says on his cover art You will have the best time cover So, uh, I did it because I wanted to be honest and I thought when in life does a human being get a platform Where they're gonna ship books to different cities I didn't I never left my house and I get to Make it like making amends and then like feedback 15 years later was I heard rick shapiro on somebody's podcast go. Well, you never apologized to me like well, I don't have your number Now I need it. Yeah, because now for 15 years You're still so angry with me and that breaks my heart that this guy Like as an empath, I guess it's I don't like this guy can't I did the unthinkable. It's unthinkable. I'll go Like I'm not gonna have on my deathbed worry about it and think about it cosmically But I will never have not stolen Again, like when you cheat on your wife one time That you might as well keep going because you're not going to go to your deathbed as a great husband. You cheated That's why I never cheated like because the one time it's over test takes once So it was very cathartic to get it out and I didn't realize the blowback would be 15 20 22 years later. Who'd you get that from? Who'd you get that not never at a live show because again, it's it's impossible So it wasn't like taking the bullets out of this. I just need to be truthful and tell every single thing that I have I mean, I tell you what color the carpets are. They're blue. Everything was blue including me so Meredith I will do so many stories about my boys And then I uh say Jackie a lot and I go so then I it'll be about an hour into the show I go so I say to my son Meredith. I'm about to do Like a four minute chunk here. If that's what you're I mean literally right now. This is about it. I'm gonna because Meredith you were like, are you being serious? Yeah, which is the normal reaction call him Mackie That makes on stage. I do like my son. They're idiots, you know Get out of the tub put on your pajamas and then I forgot to tell him to dry his body He'll figure it out too late wet carcass pajama two legs in one leg hole. How boy boys are dumb But without it being like have you ever noticed guys and girls are different But I don't know how my son doesn't drown when it's raining. It's just We're playing a game who can run closest to the moving cars and like girls don't play games like that They play games. How old is he? He's 24 24. Yeah, he just graduated Syracuse with honors, but not uh, no, he's he just turned six So then after like an hour of Talking sharing speaking and a lot of kid stuff. I go so My son Meredith and somebody will do exactly what you did and to the whether there's a nervous laughter Or like they think it's a bit right and I will just pause And say you guys you guys want to talk about that right now? And they're like, yeah So they think The next I'll give you a very truncated version. They think the next like 11 minutes I'm just like you want to know what they don't know. I've done it before So it's fucking silent Uh, I had full custody of my older boy Jackie. I just started dating my wife nick and uh, I went to court and I fought for what was right And judges love moms. We know this. Yeah, I'm not gonna say anything negative about anybody else It's not fair. They're not a part of the show not a part of our shared experience right now But a judge said pothead comic and hot new girlfriend full custody You get in touch with the state for when you can see him with somebody else watching and that's filling your own backstory Yeah, that's it. That's all I say So my girlfriend wife went to work and for the first time after the dust had settled I was entirely alone with the two year old And he was having a meltdown and I'm like, let's just count the five and just relax and he's like one lefty 50 five one two I go stop. No, no, just count the five. Listen to me count and he kept going 40 abc five l and I'm like, this is not a joke. I thought maybe he's autistic and this is it He's comfortable. Yeah And then he just kept going and going I'm like just count the five and I realized I'm yelling at a two year old And it scared the shit out of me Then I was alone And when I'm alone with my son, I'm going just count to like that's my childhood. No way So I got down and I prayed I said, I need patience I need patience. I'm begging you for patience. I'll serve forever but ding dong My girlfriend's father Who's a rocket scientist was coming from jet propulsion laboratories in the valley Just happened to stop by the house. Never gave him the address. Just hop happened Stopped by the house to say hi. His name is Meredith I prayed for patience that rang my doorbell. That's so amazing. I named my and on stage I go I named my son After oh, he gets down on the ground. He goes count the five for me the beautiful gentleman And he goes count the five scooter count the five for me and he goes lefty 50 one 25 40 50 and he goes that's right It was like Slap my four like that's another way to parent Yeah, like he's not going to walk through high school hallways like lefty 55 He'll get it eventually, right? You'll get nothing And so I on stage I go so I I named my son after I answered prayer and I look over in the corner I go so fuck you And I get the big laugh because they're a lot off the hook, you know So yeah, having a son is Twice I've went for full custody Here's what I've noticed historically with me and that's And you'll notice this you didn't ask me this but it's I listen to the podcast enough to know No one is ambivalent about me Nobody is like, yeah It's either. Oh my god. Like I love that guy man or Oh, I fucking I hate that guy and if you ask why I I don't know it just And I don't know why and it's been maybe in the last two years I've been actually able to take the sandbags off the hot air balloon and just realize That's that's that that's me I don't maybe it's no fear. Maybe it's no Maybe it's because I have joy Maybe I don't know what it is because I've never never rick Shapiro I crossed and left tracks At a so I wouldn't drown Um, I've never crossed anybody. I I only want to be helpful my my intent is my worst enemy I can't tell when I speak the difference between my monarchs and my viceroy's Like I'll send out like a nice caring message and somebody brings back this poisonous butterfly like why why And then I exhaust my I'm a reaction addict. I exhaust my was I re I exhaust myself trying to make it that right And it took me far too long to realize They're picking up the wrong shit My heart's my heart and that's that and um it's Once you have a kid you really just have to Knuckle down knuckle down sounds kind of homo-arotic Buckle down maybe hey, why don't you and me later go to crunch fitness and steam room We can knuckle down that does that now now it definitely sounds and fight for what's right And then when you're going for full custody of a child That's not ripple effects. That's tsunami after tsunami after tsunami after tsunami, but if you know you're right You just like having a house on the ocean like you just got to weather that you just there's gonna be damaged There's gonna shingles are gonna fly off. There's gonna be sand in your stereo You said that the in in uh in gasping for airtime. You said this is this snl You know saturday night live. It's the hardest year of my life Now you've got a small kid full custody of the small kid and you just got divorced or you're going through the divorce Does it still stand that snl was the hardest year of your life or have we graduated to this year? Yes, because there was such ambiguity and confusion with every moment of my waking hours and I was drunk And I wasn't well With my son and with the divorce when when you make a decision like a divorce People say well, hey leave no stone unturned But what I got from the divorce was I is certainty. I left my wife certainly Because there's no stones left They disintegrated. I've held them so long and this is could have been done two years ago But out of respect to the institution and I want to be Married to this person for the rest of my life and I'm going to keep giving them an opportunity to show up so With my son and the wife and the thing and like that was That made me go back to a a to get well without drinking or drugging. I was fired from a job because I thought I was on drugs I did a boys and girls club benefit And in my mind, that's what I would put with like absolute in court penalty of perjury That's the show. That's me And the feedback was is he on something really and I realized Apparently I'm behaving in a way that people that don't know me are calling people that represent me And wondering aloud if I'm on drugs because I'm acting like a dry drunk because when I got sober in 1998 may 5th Lancashire Boulevard in Riverside I said the word powerless and I went uh-oh I never got a sponsor and I never did the steps. I'm not advocating. It's not Do your thing But 19 years later after going through when you're going through a divorce Houses I don't care I can't convince the other side Take it I will live in the rectory at st. Monica's church. I'll jog with father tim. I'll play chess with monsignor to I don't care But this guy is coming with me Because he's never going to be as confused as I was and he's four at the time And then the only response to that when you're dealing with fact is personal attacks because desperation is a very distinct scent And now I'm going to say I'm not necessarily talking about My situation but any business anything Desperation is a very distinct scent And you pick it up like when phil jackson said posse Right, do you remember this at all? No when he said lebron james and his posse the coach the president of the nicks phil jackson Okay, I did not know about that 11 championship rings phil jackson. Yeah, I know who that is. Yeah He said well then the lebron and his posse and all of a sudden in the american consciousness posse Like lebron wasn't happy about it because you can't say that about a black guy. It became this racist Really? It's a cowboy term for one thing. But okay, that's what you and I think and will continue to think But the black community as a whole got together and unbeknownst to you and I jordan It's not okay But we didn't know it. Yeah phil jackson was in the news for a year Nobody thinks phil jackson is a racist But desperation has a very distinct scent the nicks fucking are a hot bag of shit terrible Since he's gotten there So they just went And they just never stopped asking him questions nobody asked him questions because I thought he might be a racist They asked him questions because that scent that wafting thing so you can find yourself in a situation Or that you can smell the desperation and separate yourself from it and continue. Let me I'm Yes, snl hardest year of my life Because the divorce I knew Facts that were not okay and not sustainable I presented these facts to somebody who may or may not have been the person we're speaking about And I said these need to be addressed Because this is not sustainable That person's responses led me to believe they lacked empathy and compassion And we're a little disconnected or a lot disconnected So I would bring it up again and again and again and I went insane Because I was never looking out for me. So march 14th. I went back to AA To just get my shit together because I was sick And it was in redondo beach. I took a 90 day trip last night. I was like wow Thank you, but it's like To not drink And need that I didn't need that much help on may 5th 1998 and I'm more sick now Getting better than I was on may 6 may 7th may 8th may 9th And it's because you people like me who go to the extreme Chemically and biologically That pro like what are my faults? What are my defects of character? That's why I love Living in liminal space like everybody freaks out with liminal time in space as a comic. It's all we know You sit in a hotel room for all day in Albany Somebody goes you're ready. I'm downstairs. You get in their car. You don't know them. It's weird Yeah, that's like pre-uber. What would you say? Whoa, the guy's like smoking a joint rocking like it's the acoustic version and he's just like wow Then you get dropped off at a theater you walk in and you go on stage and that hour and a half Is now now now now like the hyperspace button in star wars. I it's real You walk off stage back to the hotel room Airplane is the most liminal space in time. There is because you're nowhere You're on your way and you just left and then you land and you know work for a month. That's all we know But being a comic and having liminal time in space as my life Liminal space is the only time you can really look at you And work on you. Why did I lose that job of 20 years? And how do I get another job so that never happens again? So during the marriage you go all right, hold on a second So I had all liminal space to self fearless moral inventory And excavate until I came out the other end and there was light coming up my ass and out my mouth And you realize I can't possibly be wrong here So it wasn't the hardest Because There was data And I could put the I could put a mail in a mail slot I could write down data and it's appropriate place And I could do the math problem and go that equals divorce And I'll just do it again a different way And that was oddly logical SNL was not logical because I didn't know what to do It seems like this seems like there's so much pressure. There's constant rejection. There's constant you're competing in this weird way um for on saturday night live and off saturday night live Doing something cooperative like improv Cooperative like marriage While also making sure that you get enough screen time for your job I didn't mean to parallel a marriage with saturday night live, but it almost seems to naturally fit. It does. It's very good Yeah, no, it's a perfect coupling. It's strange. You got to do this competitive. Nobody knows how to be you've been married What six months? Yeah, not even one month. Who taught you how to be married? Nobody gonna teach you how to be a father Oh god, I'm terrified. Yeah, I don't know. You can't be terrified. It's life. You're gonna be great You are going to be great because it's yours and it's all you care about And whatever you lacked as a kid You're gonna overflow this child to the point of annoyance with great, which is gonna teach you Whatever things you have with your dad. He's given a hundred and it's gonna be more How is that a hundred? Because it's like we're all waiting for our dads or our moms to like come around To give us what we need That's you and a onesie with anchors on it. I have a son I'm in the barber shop yelling. I got a son. That's how he feels about you. That's how she feels about like we're all waiting for that That's a hundred So then you have to like switch it and go And have compassion and realize This person's father my grandfather must have been a son of a bitch If this is 100 and I feel this way and not seen and undervalued And my way is right. I know it's right, but nobody's asking me my opinion Then his father must have been oh, wow So you almost like you have to look at your parents like they're wearing like like an oxygen mask Like they're not well. They're sad. They were but then it never reached you that sad. That's that's what they did So you being a dad You can't have fear and faith at the same time if you've met the gal of your dreams and you want to have a baby Go Like fear you want to know what fear is? All right I don't know if it's fear, but it's as close as I've come Both my sons were in in the neonatal intensive care unit. They were just very they were just young They're just tiny premature. They weren't sick. Okay, but there's babies that die. There's babies That aren't there when you go the next day My son's heart would stop and bing bong the alarms go bing bong It's because you can't have like Because it's just You have to have quiet alarms and uh, my son's just goes bing bong and I see he's flat lining I look over at a nurse and she goes grab his big toe Just you know, you whisper through a window even though the person can't hear you. Sure. That's when we should be yelling Like if your friends on the inside of the subway store, you're like, no, are you gonna go around the back? Are you going around the back? Like we whisper she's whispering from 30 feet Just grab his toe just wiggle his big toe and I grabbed my son's big toe He weighs three pounds and I wiggle it His heart starts And I'm like what the and she goes it's brady cardia. It's really weird We just the neonatal intensive care unit nurses at cedar sinai and probably many many in every hospital now Realized if you wiggle the big toe and squeeze it and wiggle it It restarts the heart of an infant who knew you could pull start a baby It like a lawnmower. Yeah Yeah, but like the fear is when you have that baby and take him home now all of a sudden this truck you drive Is a fucking fabricé egg, right? Yeah, and there are far too many people around right and you're just driving And there's this like car seat behind you facing the other direction He's got his own mirror so you can look at himself even though he can't focus yet You got your rear view mirror synced up with his rear view mirror So you guys can kind of communicate in this alternate reality you've created in these mirrors And then you're like red lights. Whoa What if nobody goes and respects the law? Yeah, like that's terror Getting the baby from the hospital to the home And realizing I don't know how to have a baby It was two the first time I was like alone alone with them That's a long time and that to then wake up one day and go Oh, wait, I don't have an instruction manual for this. Your parents come out to visit There's a grandparent. You have the girlfriend. You got, you know, you know a nanny. You want some help if you can afford it You get somebody to hang out. Yeah coming five in the morning so I can wake up at seven I live near her parents. That's definitely gonna happen. We live 10 15 minutes away from her parents So that's why I pay California taxes so that grandma and grandpa can come over and You know give us a much needed rest at some point. Yes, but in the coupling of a marriage with Saturday Night Live I think is really brilliant Because you don't know how to do it and they go well, you got it. Here's the ring. I do She's just kick ass Be be funny be married Well, where do I hand in the sketches? What do I do? When this nobody tells you And what people don't realize before a marriage is like people get married because they think it'll improve something If you have tennis elbow before you get married, you're gonna have tennis elbow on your tenure anniversary It it solves nothing having both elbows at that point because like rob bell the zimzum of love It's a great book in a relationship There has to be a death to be a marriage because You have to accommodate somebody's life from dna All the baggage all the harm all the trauma all the tears all the love all the laughs That there's not enough space so something has to die and for me it was the Snarky like my way or the highway like i'm not even sure what all died burt christier said There's no doubt nicky killed the two pock that lived inside of you And I went yeah, because there's a circle that zimzum is that space between two lovers something has to die And that's that's brave But you didn't realize getting married was probably the scariest thing you've ever done you have to be brave to get married You had to be so brave if brave people get married Hell hell to the lucky ones that refer to those in love for better But that you weren't scared because you knew so On snl. I knew I was scared because I had a medical problem But both are very and there's hopefully not a shelf life to either but Life, uh, what is it john lennon life is life life happens when you're busy making other plans. Yeah so So just make sure your next show is hotter Jay, thank you so much man. This has been amazing. Well, I can't end on a joke. You can't end. Okay, show All right, take that out then. Yeah. No, just let us be more profound Let's just plow through that then and what what do you want to leave us with? What are you feeling? Uh, well, first of all, I'm I'm really happy to be on the podcast I would love to come on again and speak anything specifically you want to talk about The fact that you knew so much about the book thrills me um We do things and we only like the fact that you're just this whole thing was the book And You tied it to modern day. So you like time traveled with me Like I had to go back in these scenarios and I had to go back and reconnect these dots in this linear time I didn't expect that so thank you for doing that, but also Just your your pot. This is what this is important Your podcast is important There are podcasts where guys get together with their bodies and they talk about weed and hockey and like hey, man Who likes teas like there's a podcast for anything? Yours when I discovered it I it's the only it's there's not one episode where I don't go. Holy shit That lady said the exact same sentence 14 times and sounded different 14 different ways because it were her hands were Do you know what I mean? Like it's a really important podcast. So a thank you b The universe that I discovered it. Oh, I was gonna be on a while ago and I'm like, let me take a listen, right and your guests like Roy woods father figure junior. Yeah, I never would have thought I was gonna glean something from another comic Like that depth of it and you're I feel like I've uh Not gotten to the depths of the ones I'm listening to but I will say this. I'm just thrilled that I got to talk to you and just Don't stop No plan to stop man. You know comedy teams become the greatest comedy team of all time by not breaking up No one's pulled it off Nobody has died a comedy team So this podcast if you just keep going, I'm telling you you're it's You're helping you've helped me a lot. Well, I'm glad to hear that. I'm glad to hear that I'm glad to help you real like the narcissistic continuum like that I sent that to 14 different people. Maybe I'm like maybe three I like to exaggerate to clarify. That's fine. That's it's part of the game. Thank you for having me on for the 14th time You're welcome. Thanks for coming on brother. But you're the best