 I think it would be cool to talk about the, kind of like the red flags, like what red flags do you find in relationships when you just start them? And how do you go about identifying those? I think, yeah, I think a big red flag like we mentioned is when they use your autism and your differences against you. Like their attitude might change really quickly and they will switch back to being nice with no effort. If they think it will control you in a way that gets them what they want, like they'll be mean to control you to get what they want, but they will switch on the nice the moment they think you you're like threatening to leave or they think that they're going to lose control of you. And if you leave, they lose control of you. So they will switch on the charm and they will love bomb you until you're back in their arms metaphorically or physically. And yeah, but they will use that your autism against you. So they could, yeah, they could put you in situations of like loud noises, even though they know that you're really struggling with sensory issues and then they might blame you for the fallout or they might invalidate it or shame you. If you ever made a little mistake or misunderstanding in a social situation, they will never let you forget it. It will be brought up time and time again until fraternity. And it will just, if you needed help with something, and you know, they're really great and they're really helpful, but they are now holding it over your head. And it's now sort of not a word, not a scapegoat. They're using it as a reason to coerce you into something else. Like I did this really helpful thing for you. You should do this for me. And that's not how consent works. And it's also not very respectful of boundaries. So that's a big red flag too. I'd say that if I could add something that perhaps, you know, kind of one of the big red flags that has come up with any relationships that I've had that I haven't been too good is that they kind of give, give an air of understanding about what autism is and what you experience without actually knowing or asking what you like and what you experience. It's kind of like they feel like they've already understood the whole autism thing. They don't need to ask any questions. And it can often come across as quite like nice. You're like, Oh, hey, this person understands me. I don't have to make any effort to help them understand. But it tends to be very like stereotypical. And it tends to be very like, yeah, it's, they're not necessarily listening to, to who you are and what you experience. They understand autism in general, but they're not making any effort to understand you as an individual. And that is also a red flag. Yeah, 100%. But even, even just in general, I think, you know, if they're working like social care, if they're like a teacher or they're working with charities or they work for parents and they kind of, they feel like they've got it all sussed out. And they just, they just don't have that kind of natural curiosity in who you are. I think that's, that's definitely a red flag. So you are a risk of kind of being stereotyped by them. I think also a red flag could be when they sort of, they put you on a pedestal. And they think you're so wonderful and you're perfect in every way. And there can't be any conflicts. There can't be any, you know, they've rushed you off your feet and it's a worldwide robot. So everything's perfect and we should get married next week and all of that silly stuff. But it's, you know, I think that's a red flag because, well, there's many reasons, actually, if you put on a pedestal, very much similar to what you were just saying, they have an idea of you. And they're not willing to change it in favour of what their ego needs and what their wounded inner child needs from their past. They need to believe that you are the perfect person because they can't handle it if you're not. And that means that they're not actually listening to you. They're not understanding you. They're not, they're not willing to admit that anything is wrong. And that also means that there's no conflict either. And I know that sounds strange, but every healthy relationship has conflict. There's always arguments. The difference is how we learn how to healthy argue and communicate in a healthy way. So like if you're pretending there's no issues and that person's on a pedestal, you're just sweeping everything under the rug, you're, you're not listening to their needs. It's not, it's not particularly healthy. And sometimes it's a defence mode. Like we're so traumatised, maybe from past experiences that we don't want to be hurt and we avoid the conflict. I mean, it makes sense. It's understandable. And some of these red flags can even be just shameless. Like some people have red flags because they don't, they haven't been taught how to handle their, their emotions and their trauma and communicating a healthy way. And that's not necessarily their fault. So I think there's red flags for unhealthy relationships, but there's also toxic, toxic red flags. So this one has hope the red flags where people actively they want to try and improve, they want and they're aware that there's a learning journey. And they need to try and listen and communicate and health, healthily learn how to improve. But this one, it's all about the intention. This one, the toxic traits. They have no intention of improving. They are literally just there to manipulate you and control you and to feeding their own ego so they can feel better about themselves. And I think it's really important to establish which one is which. I kind of feel like to a certain degree, saying that autistic people like perfect and these kind of angelic, benevolent creatures, like, I think to some degree, like, I understand that it's like a reactionary kind of approach to the ideas that that people have put up put out in the past about us being an empathic and being, you know, perhaps not understanding in social situations and stuff. But it still is to a certain degree, infantilizing. And as you said, you know, if people have this kind of pedestalized idea about what you're like, and they don't really, I guess, take on board what you what you say or aspects to your personality that are true to you. Then at some point, they're going to become like, or how do you say, annoyed at you that you don't meet this, this pedestalized expectation, it's impossible to realistically meet it. And no matter what you do, because it's real. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But also, I think what you said about sort of the pedestal thing, a lot of people put autistic people on a pedestal in terms of like our savant abilities or whatever. And I think, and I think that's got plays a part in it too. Because for so long, autistic people treated really badly. Hey, YouTube, hope you have enjoyed this podcast clip so far. If you want to check out the full episode, you can find it here on my YouTube channel under the podcast section, or you can go to Spotify, Apple, Google, to check it out on different podcasting streaming services. If you have enjoyed this video this far, please make sure to like, perhaps drop me subscribe if you want to see some more content from me, and drop a comment down below, even if it's something simple like an emoji or a heart. It really does help satisfy those big YouTube algorithm gods in the sky. Anyway, I'll let you go back to it. And, you know, we were dehumanized and we were invalidated. We were seen as worthless and barely even human. And that's horrific, horrific. And advocates like us in the past to be like, Hey, autistic people are just like you. But they have gifts and they have quirks and they're savants and they have all of these wonderful good things about them. So humanize them. You know, they're real, they're human. And I think that has held on to a lot of people today, like they, and it's not their fault, it's just all society has taught them. But like, people also put autistic people on a pedestal, like if they're not that savant, they're not real, and they're not worthy of respect. And I think that's partly I'm going on from a bit of a tangent here, sorry. But it's partly why I see my disability as a gift. Like I'm autistic, but I don't have any of these seven abilities. I'm not the person that autistic advocates of the past would point to be like, Hey, this is, you know, I was diagnosed at two, like I didn't learn to speak until I was eight and all of this other stuff. Like I'm definitely autistic. And my disability impacts me so severely. Like I can't always walk or talk and you know, all these things. So then while that's really hard, that's the real reality. It doesn't take away my humanity. And it doesn't take away my quirks. It doesn't take away my me being a worthwhile, like a worthy person of good things. And I think we need to remove that pedestal because of that. Because we can still be like there's no reason aside from ableism why, in my eyes, why autism can't also be a disability and a gift. And I think people in order to learn to understand autism and autistic people better, especially in romantic relationships from school, we do need to learn to understand those hidden depths and those hardships to be like, to humanize us and validate every part of what makes us tick so that we can be like, yes, we understand how to help them without intentionally gaslighting them. And yeah, a bit of a tangent. I think the train sort of went whoa. Sorry. Sorry. I don't know if that was relevant. I think also a big big red flag is probably aspects around expectations. Because if someone does something for you, and then they expect you to be sort of amenable to what they want you to do, or they expect you to repay the favor, like every single time. And you know that I feel like that's a red flag because in in, you know, life and in relationships, you know, as you were talking about having 16 of the 106 life skills or something, I can't remember. Like there's going to be undoubtedly some things that my partner will have to do in order to help help me with with my need what my needs are. And I can I can help in in different other situations. But I think when people have done things and then expected a specific way of behaving around them or a specific outcome, that it's become difficult. In that sense, like it's almost like expected of me like I help you with this stuff. So you do what I say or you do these things. You help me with this, you know, not necessarily something that comes from me. It's very manipulative. And it's also yeah, it pushes the boundaries to some of it sort of coerces your consent, because that expectation is that you've got to do the thing that they're asking you off you to do because they were like, oh, I was so helpful and they use it against you. And that can that sort of thing, it can also like drive a wedge between like actual healthy members, good people that you know, like it can drive a wedge because they can see this, these red flags, and they try to communicate it with you. And I suppose another red flag is that the person who's toxic will try to drive that wedge and they will make it bigger between you and the healthy people. They will try to cut you off from your support network and gaslight you so that you believe that they're right, the toxic person's right and the healthy people who are trying to help you like genuinely trying to help you. They're wrong and they don't understand you and only only the toxic person understands you and that wedge gets even bigger. And especially when it's so obvious that all these red flags are happening and they're trying to help you, the wedge looks like a little ocean you can't jump. Swim back. Definitely. Now, I understand that. I think it's something that I've experienced as well. You know, I would, I'd say that perhaps another aspect to it is if the person is very over willing, almost to a point, which it's crossing your boundaries to help you with life and things like, you know, perhaps coming around and supporting you when you haven't asked it or doing certain things for you when you when you haven't asked them to. And, you know, like, over time, sort of diminishing your ability to look after yourself because of, you know, they've filled in certain aspects to your life and independent living that you feel okay with managing yourself. But they've kind of taken over everything. And, you know, there's that kind of element of control on their part. And if you if you say that it's not something that you want, and something that it makes you feel bad, and you actually really want to do it yourself, it's like, Oh, well, I've been helping you out. That's ungrateful. And, you know, relating a lot. Sorry. Yeah. There's a certain amount of it's not quite but nearly learnt helplessness because they are doing everything for you all the time, like they and they're controlling all the aspects that you think you could probably do. But they're like, like, I'm gonna do it all for you. And I guess they do something that you didn't want them to do. Yes, they then tell you to do something that you don't want to do. Yeah, it's really weird. And you kind of just go with it because it's just, you know, all you I guess they did help me with this certain thing, I probably should do that. Do I want to know? Did I want them to help me in the first place? No, not really. And it seems very innocent. And that's the problem with red flags, because a lot of it can seem really innocent. And I suppose it's then delving into the psychological sort of the intention behind their behaviors, and sort of understanding that actions speak louder than words, like apologizing. That's not it's so difficult. But yeah, like so when you're a direct communicator, it breaks your heart, doesn't it? Just realize that people are lying to you. It's like straight to your face. Yeah. Yeah. Yay. What is it? Don't think of this. There's anything else. I think I think those those are definitely the the ones that I would put forward, because I know you can you can think of like any we can think of loads and loads of different things that are probably not good ideas and relationships. And, you know, probably could be considered not a positive sign. But I think just by the nature of our relationships, how it can always be very difficult to give those kind of definitive ideas. Because working out the intentions behind all of these little things, like it's a constant guessing game, isn't it? Like it's and it takes so long to process. Well, life's very complicated in itself. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed of like a million things going on, like, I don't know my disability or my illness or like work or like just like with everyone, like there's so much going on like the processing of healthy relationships and what's actually going on. It's sometimes it goes on the back burner because we're just trying to survive the day, which is trying to get through all of the stress and strain of general adult living because being an adult is difficult. It's never like, honestly, I wouldn't change it. But maybe that's part of it too. Because like, if you feel like you want to change your partner, maybe that's a red flag too, in the sense that maybe they're not treating you right. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? No, I do. I like get them to understand you better or take you seriously. I think that could be something. I think I think a lot of the things that we said that I think they're very applicable to kind of the like of the autistic experience of these red flags, because I feel, you know, as I said, we could talk about a lot of the different red flags and situations like, you know, someone who just lets you monologue and lets you tell them all of your intimate details about your life, and then doesn't provide any of theirs, you know, doesn't put a boundary and say like, you know, this is not, you know, this is too much for me or, you know.